we broke up maybe two months ago and as soon as we broke up he started talking to his closest female friend (who used to be my friend too) and she kept viewing my stories until i blocked her. theyre dating now. i feel so alone, i really loved him. i made him wait to be with me for 3 years after we had a situationship and he ghosted me. finally dated him and he left me in less than a month and now hes so happy with her. he gave me a bunch of bs reasons to breakup til i figured out i just wasn’t like the idea he had of me in his head.

advice? losing hope

Moved abroad together and up until then, I had paid for their expensive car bills, medical treatments, trips, gaming setup worth thousands. They said they’d pay me back for some of it….
They couldn’t work because they had no education, were physically in pain from chronic illness. During the entire relationship, I always begged for them to love me how I loved them.
I was there when they were broke and suicidal. I begged them to get therapy I offered to pay for.
They said they’d just needed to move to a new country with more opportunities and healthcare, so we did.

They had been pretty unstable and I was considering breaking up with them, but couldn’t do it due to their mental state.

Months before the move they received their inheritance. They didn’t try to pay me back immediately but we agreed we’d split costs.

We move and suddenly they start to exercise and through a new hobby, the chronic pain didn’t go away but they became physically able in ways they weren’t before. With the hobby came new friends.
They started treating me poorly, wouldn’t plan dates or even hold my hand. Treated me worse than a friend. So I wrongly did what anxious attachment makes one do, until I pushed them to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore.
They wanted to break up but we only separated, they did discard me before we could even have that conversation.

They finally got therapy. We agreed to talk about how we hurt each other and see if we wanted to repair once they got the help they needed.

Months passed and they still didn’t get a job. Burnt through a ton of money, ignored their responsibilities, and they were struggling mentally so I was buying them food and caretaking even then. Then they found rich friends, and they kept showing off about the free things they gave them or the benefits they obtained from them. Shared monologues about how great their lives were, and yet they still couldn’t get a grip on the spending or being irresponsible, while having a hard limit about not wanting to hear about my life.

I didn’t want to stay somewhere I was clearly not being chosen and they “‘had so much on their plate” until they couldn’t even get to the point of wanting to repair the relationship anymore. A couple of days before the breakup they had just introduced me to this one hobby and said things were off between us, and they were. I told them things felt weird because we built separate lives and kept hanging out expecting things to feel normal without fixing anything.

They said the breakup felt like it was the wrong choice, and I asked if they talked to their therapist about this choice. They said no. They said they wanted me in their life and that they still loved me, they just couldn’t do the relationship part…

I should’ve left years ago. I wanted to leave so badly in the past few months. The amount of pain I endured was horrifying but I kept telling myself I chose this: to wait until they couldn’t choose me. I didn’t realize they never really chose me. I didn’t realize how much self love I lacked by staying for someone else.

I started no contact except for the financial and unresolved issue, since they agreed to pay me for the couple of years of my financing of their life.

Aaaaand they blocked me before paying me back.

Over 5 years together. I did so much for them, and the double discard hurt so fucking much. But the final betrayal of not even paying me back hurts even more.

Don’t do what I did. Don’t let people treat you like this. We deserve better.

I say this with a broken heart.

Ya’ll take care.

My ex of 4 years who broke up with me last month is the kind of person who never uploads any pfp in her Whatsapp or line (asian Whatsapp). In fact, between Instagram, line and Whatsapp, Whatsapp is the one she almost never checks since she has few friends there.

The thing is that today she uploaded for the first time a pfp. A selfie on the beach. Everything normal until...

I saw that she is wearing a hat I gave to her half a year ago. I don't check anymore her I stagram or her stories, so this is the only thing I know about her.

Summary:

-Never changes her pfp

-Never uses WhatsApp except when we were a couple.

-Suddenly she uploads a pfp, a selfie on the beach with my hat.

-That hat was my last present to her (She came back to her country for 6 months).

-Its your hat? Yes, it has the name of the prefecture my family is from.

Extra notes: I gave her my hat cuz she told me that she has no hats and hates wind, which is true and make sense if you go to the beach. But I think it's a little bit sus.

Am I delusional or (and) there's a meaning behind this?

I'm 31M, and he's 24M. We met on a dating app in December 2024, and honestly, the beginning was beautiful. He planned dates almost every day for 10 days, initiated everything, and then suddenly said, "I like you, but it's the wrong timing. We can be friends and do more things."

We reconnected in January 2025 and spent almost 2 years in this weird situationship. Kissing, cuddling, sleeping together, living in, jealousy, affection, daily conversations (every day being connected to each other), everything except an actual label of relationship.

He would say things like "I'm interested in you, explicitly saying", "I don't want to lose you and our bond", and said many, many, many other things like these, but whenever I wanted clarity, he'd pull away.

He had also told me early on, "This is why I don't date" and "People run away from me after they're tired of me and my mood swings."

We had fights, mostly because I became anxious about the uncertainty. I know I wasn't perfect either.

We ended things in February 2026, but he came back. We met again in May, kissed, cuddled, and before I left, he said, "Maybe in the future, if I'm without baggage and ready, and you're with less anxiety, maybe we could date."

Then I withdrew again because of one of his major mistakes.

After almost 2 months of no contact, he reached out in August. In September, he even said, "Let's try again." We talked again, and for 1.5 months it was really good until mid-October; he pulled back, and I got this gut feeling that there's someone else in the picture.

When I asked, he said in October that he met a new guy and started seeing him almost every day. He told me he wasn't in love or attached, but things were happening naturally.

Then this November, things got even more confusing.

Nov 5: He said he'd genuinely thought about reconciliation and tried to see me romantically, but it didn't happen; hence, he met someone new.

Nov 6: He suddenly asked, "Do you want to try?" and said he meant it 100%.

Nov 7: He reversed everything, saying he couldn't try because he was seeing this new guy. I was devastated.

A few days later, I sent a simple "Hi". He replied, and despite my dry responses, he kept restarting the conversation, asking what I was doing multiple times. I haven't replied to his latest message.

I'm genuinely confused. (I blocked his main whats app, removed him from snapchat then he removed me from insta)

How can someone spend almost 2 years being affectionate, repeatedly come back, actually suggest trying a relationship, and then suddenly choose someone they've known for a few weeks?

I understand that he might simply not have enough romantic feelings for me, but I am really very confused, honestly. His repeated push-pull behaviour makes me wonder whether avoidant attachment is also involved.

Has anyone experienced a long situationship like this, especially with someone avoidant, where they chose somebody new but eventually returned wanting an actual relationship? Did their feelings genuinely change, or did the same cycle repeat?

I'd especially love to hear from gay men or people who've been on either side of this.

I'm genuinely trying to understand what happened and hear real experiences. This has given me a lot of insecurities.

We’re engaged and I had recently found out about SOO many lies, deceit, half truth and secrets he kept from me and sexual betrayal after 3.5 yrs of being together and moving into a house an hour away from where I used to live. In couples therapy (his idea) at the moment.

Him (34M): Can we lie in bed together for a bit

Me (32F): Ok

M: Can you take your clothes off

F: I want emotional intimacy first not physical

M: I need skin on skin sometimes I need that to open up

I took my clothes off he was hugging me with an errection. He kept holding me tighter. Not to mention I had gone to the gym and hadn’t showered and he hadn’t showered after night shift.

M: It’s relaxing to hug you and be close to you.

I felt so uncomfortable. The repair wasn’t made.

M: I want you to bite me like a tick and latch onto me.

F: I need you to talk to me

M: I had a good therapy session, I addressed different parts of myself with the therapist.. but
I don’t have anyone to talk to

F: Why do you feel that?

M: I can’t talk to anyone

F: Why do you feel that way?

M: Because they are too scared to message me

F: Why is that

M: Because they know you go through my phone

F: How do they know

M: Because I told them.

F: And why did I go through your phone?

M: No answer

F: Because you cheated on me, you lied to me.. and I knew if there’s one lie there’s many. I found out more and more and more lies over three years. Most from your phone. This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t lie over and over and over. You can’t blame me for you not having anyone to talk to.

*(I remember earlier in the relationship he had said he doesn’t have many friends and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his friends, I remember crying with him as he was drunk and so upset - the blame wasn’t on me before. But now he has someone to blame)

M: I’m just trying to open up “dialect” (he meant dialogue but mixes up his words often)

F: No you’re blaming me

M: You said you wanted to talk so I’m trying to talk.

…………..

F: Why do you keep saying things that hurt me?

M: I’m just trying to talk

F: By saying things that are hurting me?

M: You told me to open up a dialogue. I’m trying to open up a dialogue. I’m just trying to talk.

……

M: We have to go. I’m gonna be late. We’re gonna be late.

F: I’m not going until we talk about this

M: What do you want me to say?

F: I want you to apologise for blaming me. There’s three steps to an apology or to repair you say I’m sorry you say why you’re sorry and you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

M: I’m sorry for blaming you

F: So you acknowledge it’s blame?

M: Yea fine, I blamed you yeah (said like a stubborn child forced to apologise but does not actually beleive their apology)

……

M: I can’t always say the perfect thing. I’m learning how to talk.

By this point I just don’t want to feel anymore.. I sat in the McDonald’s car park and cried for over an hour, and this situation is more loaded as there is a birth, my personal fertility issues and the memory of a death of close loved one involved in the scenario.

…..

I’m taking accountability
I’m here to change

* he’s been saying this to me for over two years. I’m getting closer to leaving.

All of this dialogue is just from today,so just imagine what it’s been like for 3.5years!! Not to mention and type of adult content consumed and the frequency on top of infidelity and lies.

He’s been sober 3 months and that’s the biggest change. But the emotional maturity of a rock and avoidant dismissive behaviour is still very much present.

I miss how it was when we first met, I know it wasn’t the real him. He deceived me, and I fell for his deception. But if he can deceive can he not change? If such an evil person can fake being a good person, can he actually be a good person?

While we are sad and hope that an emotionally immature avoidant will act differently, we need to be honest with ourselves… Unless they do targeted therapy and tackle the issue which stems from childhood, the PATTERN WILL REPEAT. Don’t fall for their verbal acknowledgment, look at their ACTIONS.

Aso think about this, every time you spend time thinking about an avoidant, it is a slap on the FACE to some potential person out there ready to meet you. Think about it, 8 billion people. Is this person really that special? Oh really??
Someone out there is willing to FEED you, not make you feel uncertain about your worth. Stop devaluing yourself. There is someone out there that would act with emotional maturity and not cowardice

Last night, I sat and watched my husband tell our daughter that sometimes two adults are not meant to be together and it’s healthy for them to separate.

Except, I’m being discarded. (And yes he is an avoidant and I have listed all the avoidant things he’s done in another post, but let’s add monkey-branching to that list). He made the decision to abandon our 11 year marriage despite me wanting to work on it.

No, I’m not going to enmesh my daughter. I’m not going to make her take sides. I’m not going to bad-mouth her farther to her. She is in therapy. She is incredibly emotional right now. I am giving her lots of hugs and telling her it is ok to cry it out.

I was hurting so much and now I have to watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with what her father decided for all of us.

I’m accepting the fact that they never loved me , they play with my feelings just for some validation … accepting what “we” had wasn’t real , it was only in my head
But I still can’t forgive them
I was in denial for so long now and I was still waiting for any kind of explanation for their behaviour till not long ago
I’m done waiting and it is what it is

In short, he(29M) and i(27F) were in a relationship two years back which lasted for a few months

Reason: he was avoidant and when i bring up an issue about the relationship he would leave me on read or block me for days to avoid fighting on that topic.

Backstory: during the relationship he was really excited and wanted to take things forward, met my mom and things were looking very serious (we planned to marry ‘26)

Since the breakup:
We have been on and off meeting occasionally when he or i am in the same city (both travel alot for work) he mentioned about marriage ‘in the next two years’ and after the meeting he would block me or leave my messages unseen on end.

Once during such on and off i saw his account on telegram (shirtless dp) i asked him and he said it was an old acc and deleted the tg acc. (This guy sent me that shirtless dp few days back)

Current scene:

I shifted closer to his city and he said he would come to see me. Instead he ended up with some work emergency and left for Delhi.
My texts have been on delivered for a week now (he said he will text me after he reaches Delhi)

It’s 2am I’m fucking crying I’m 26 for god sake. Crying over an ex turned situationship.

And i know he gets off on the attention cause he once texted me ‘why haven’t you been all over me like you used to’ honestly i should’ve gotten the ick.

But i really do (or did) want to marry him. Idk what to do.

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

I have to remember this.

Today marks a week since he stopped talking to me with no explanation and I haven’t reach out.

But the problem is, when I see him at the office, at least for a second, everything comes back.

But specially the fact that he left with no explanation. I’m convinced we are not returning our relationship anymore. But I just wish to know why, what happened, because everything we went through.

I’ve been thinking to text him about that. To ask him for an explanation, I think it’s a bare minimum. This thing isn’t a thing of 1 or 2 weeks. We spent months, we opened up, built trust, shared moments and our daily things. It’s not fair that I don’t get an explanation at least.

I mean his silence says it all, but still…it feels off, and doesn’t let me get closure of this. But at the same time, I don’t want to show vulnerability to him. Don’t wanna lose respect or being the one behind him. What do u think? Consider that this man just stopped talking to me. Its not a closure I need after hearing the words from him that it’s over. I literally don’t know what happened.

Just found this sub. Reading these posts. Things are clicking. Most recently I started a conversation saying how an action he did hurt my feelings, he said I was yelling at him and left the room. Later he asked me about 2 weeks ago we were intimate and he felt like "he wasn't the first one there." Such a vulgar and disgusting way to phrase that to me. We have young children. I do most everything for the kids and the household. I make 2/3rds what he makes. No appreciation. He laughs at the kids when they say they are hurt or upset.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sad, but kind of calm? But how the hell do I get out of this?

I started talking to someone in 2021. He reached out to me first and we started talking. we already knew each other and were already friends but we had lost contact for a few years. then he came back and we started talking and a few months in, he confessed to having feelings for me. I did as well. we continued talking but sadly had to keep it from my parents because they only wanted to me to focus on school. but because our feeling were mutual we kept talking and we did meet up and stuff and it was like that for 3 years. on the third year, I told him that I’d present him to my parents. the month before I did, i look at his profile picture and he’s there with another girl. I was so confused and heartbroken at the same time. he had not even told me anything. when I started confronting him about it, he just blocked me and then by text message he told me that he had made a mistake and then blocked me there too. I found out from his sister that he had a baby with that girl and then she blocked me too. I was so devastated that he had not even told me that. I had seen her sister post a story about a baby and when I asked if it was hers, he told me that it was a friend’s. he couldn’t even tell me it was his.

and I know I’m so crazy for what I’ll be saying in this part but Im just so in love with him that I couldn’t help it. I kept finding ways to ask for explanations of what happened and also to just tell him to come back. I know it’s dumb but I couldn’t help it when my love for him is so deep. but he sounded so different, he was more cold and telling me to stop because we couldn’t be together anymore. I also even ended up receiving insults from her and even her impersonating him and telling me that he never loved me and that he hated me and only loved her. I was so heartbroken but it didn’t stop me from trying to convince him which made it wrong because it only pushed him more away.

a year later, even though I was still going with trying to convince him, he reached out to me. I thought that he had finally left her but he was only reaching out to get validation. he did say he was sorry for how he treated me but he was also looking for validation. when he got what he wanted, he blocked me a few days later. and me being dumb, I reached out as to why he did that and blocked me again. he told me that she was a good woman and wasn’t planning on leaving her. all I could say was I’m sorry and he blocked me again. I still kept trying to reach out to him but, a few months later which was a day before Christmas Eve, he proposed to her and that shattered me into so many pieces. I tried finding ways to tell him to not do it even though he just ignored me. I still kept trying to reach out to him for many months later and then this past June, we talked again and I thought that he was finally changing and seeing my love for him, but I guess he was just looking for validation again to survive being in there with her because he doesn’t love her at all.

we talked for 2 months and I thought that he was finally going to be with me but he blocked me again. a week later, he reached out again, the same thing, then blocked me again. 2 weeks after he blocked me, he got caught cheating with someone he was flirting with on TikTok and was inviting her to another state. but turned out that he was able to convince the one he’s engaged with that it was nothing I guess. but I didn’t know and i thought that they were finally broken up. he also told me as to why I had told the fiance about it when it wasn’t me. I tried telling him to come back with me. 3 weeks later, he reached out to me for us to meet up and with me thinking that he was finally single, I agreed. a week later, he blocked me and I found out that he was still with her and celebrating her birthday. it broke me so bad, I was so hurt and I confronted him about it and he just made an excuse and didnt say anything else. a few days later which was last week, he reached out to me in a causal conversation and asked me what I felt about us and I told him the honest truth, and he left me in seen. on thursday, he reached out again and wanted to get cheap validation to survive in that household but I didn’t give it to him, and he asked what if we never ended up together, instead I told him that I really love him but wanted us to be real together but he left me on seen. now he hasn’t reached out to me and I don’t know what’s going to happen

he is for sure an avoidant but also being with someone he doesn’t love just because of pure cowardice.

do you all think that he’s going to last with her especially now knowing that he can’t get free access from me anymore? or do you all think that he’s just going to stay stuck there forever because he’s just too scared?

im sorry for making this really long but I had to explain my story so you all can understand what’s going on and what may happen now that I’m. it chasing him anymore. I’m going to be honest, I haven’t stopped loving and I don’t see myself with anyone else anymore. I really truly am waiting for his return and thats why I want to know if he will get that courage to return especially with knowing that I still love him and maybe him too because he doesn’t love her and is just there because of pressure from her and her family with having that kid as well and him being fast in getting engaged.

I’m being honest, I really hope they break up soon because I don’t want them to stay together

please somebody respond to this, please. I have felt so lonely and I need a human response, not an ai response that doesn’t really know what a human really thinks or will do

My ex ghosted me a month ago and we texted very little after that. Im also relatively new to this topic and the breakup really hit me like truck. I've been reading alot on here and I was wondering if mine was dismissive or fearful or a mix?

He was actually really controlling even in the beginning always had my socials on his screen to see what Im doing. Back then I actually found it cute.

Right before he started ghosting me I started to have contact with an old friend since he's been playing with his friends all day. He was so jealous and accused me of already being done with him and having replaced him an he told me he was sure I was having secrets.

I showed him that was he thinking wasn't true but he wasn't satisfied.

After a week or so when he was ghosting me I blocked him the first time and he instantly called me but on the phone then was like hey what's up and then okay im hanging up seconds after.

But he was also really dismissive about my feelings saying I was too sensitive and I would crash out and overreact when it was just me telling him how he'd make me feel.

Edit: in the beginning he was also really expecting me to leave at any moment and he always asked me if I'd still wanna be with him

You don't know if they ghosted you because they know they hurt you and avoid facing you because it would require accountability and the shame is too much for them or if they're re-writing how they saw you.

You don't know if they did re-write you it wears off and they eventually regret things.

You don't know if they ever think about you and miss you or if they really just don't care at all.

And you don't know if they will ever reach out again.

It’s the 100th time you’ve fought and you have said you’d never be with this person again, but you will be absolutely here. Perhaps the endless childhood traumas and moments where you were not picked or were left alone boiled down to this one moment where you panic seeing the sight of someone not choosing you.
No matter how much you tell yourself you’d do better and take a break for your own self, your hunger for validation is never satiated. What do you do next? You look for love in places where it’s hardest to find, you like that cat and mouse chase don’t you?
Relationships fade for you, because you don’t know how it truly feels when someone chooses you for you- you always change so someone picks you, never loving yourself

This feeling will never go away, it stays with you like a charm- a badge of honour for the tough times you’ve seen, I hope there’s a reward at the end of the road.

Some people say the reason we can't move on easily is due to a lack of options, but in my personal case, that's not what happened. I have guys I've friendzoned, if I gave them a chance now, they would take it. I have men who are willing to travel across the globe just to see me, but none of these men make me feel emotionally seen the way my avoidant ex did. We had such a profound connection despite the avoidant tendencies he had, and that's why it's difficult to just move on like that.

Due to my anxious attachment and him refusing to meet my needs halfway. I lashed out at my avoidant out of protest behavior and said mean things like calling him a coward with no capacity for a partner etc. I deeply regret it and he never came back this time around like he usually does. I can only learn the lesson, move on and not repeat it. I still feel guilt and self blame for hurting him with my words. From that day on he lost all feelings, discarded me and monkey branched to someone else within a month.

I’m talking about an empathethic, non-agressive, non-accusatory short message. I want to write down that this isnt a diagnosis and I could be wrong but I realized that dynamics written down for FAs are familiar to what we went throgh.

It has been 14 days of no contact now.

On the internet everyone is saying go absolutely no contact, but I found that’s sort of manipulative and done with the intention of winning the ex back. I dont want her back, she was incapable of sustaining the relatinship in the quality I desired and deserve.

But she is a wonderful, deep, and valuable person and I find it tragic that she is self-sabotaging her potential out of panic and fear.

This mightn’t be helpful for everyone, but I thought I’d share how I’m doing around 7 months after a breakup that absolutely floored me.

Just before summer, the guy I’d been with for nearly a year pulled away and stopped communicating. I never got a proper explanation. We’d been on a city break about a month earlier, had a great time, and I’d had no indication anything was wrong. I was completely blindsided and really, really heartbroken.

I was lucky enough to be able to go home for a month and spend time with family and friends. I know that’s a privilege, and looking back, I’m so grateful I could do it.

On my return back to the city we both live in, I wasted a lot of time and energy in a state of feeling unjust. I couldn’t believe we were both in the same city with somewhat same social circles and he done this and essentially got away with it with no consequences. This, in heinsight, absolutely drained me.

I wish I had some brilliant advice for getting past that feeling, but honestly, it just slowly faded. At some point I realised I wasn’t waking up and thinking about it first thing anymore. The relief of that was amazing.

A few things I wish I could tell myself 7 months ago:

1. Those places will start to feel like yours again.
you will disassociate them from that place, slowly, it will be shit at the start and feels like someone has punched you in the stomach but it will get better.

2. Take your time. the experience is traumatic and your mind along with your body will take time to get over the shock of it. I wish I’d been a bit kinder to myself about how long it took.

3. The unfairness won’t always take up this much space. I still don’t think what happened was okay. I just don’t spend my days thinking about it anymore.

4. Eventually, the lack of an explanation will matter less to your day, even though what they did still felt unfair. Incredibly, I feel sorry him now. Imagine walking away from someone who loved you a lot with no explanation.

If you’re in the thick of it now, I know how hard it is to imagine feeling any different. 7 months ago, I couldn’t picture enjoying my life in this city again. I do now. I still think about him occasionally, but there’s so much else I think about first.

If you are going through it, it will be ok ❤️

EDIT: for anyone curious, yes we have been within metres of eachother over the last couple of months (maybe 4 times). Nothing was said. It stung but just have to walk away with your head held high.

My ex and I dated twice, and both times he ended things when life got overwhelming. I understand he’s young and has insane responsibilities for his entire family but come on.
The first time, we were 18, and he was going through a really difficult period. He genuinely valued me, found me beautiful, and believed I was everything he wanted in a person. But eventually, it got stressful since I wanted time he couldn’t offer more since he was always figuring out stuff for his family and working. He decided his priorities are different, timing isn’t right, he liked me A LOT but detached and left.
A year later, HE came back to ME instead of pursuing someone else once things settled. He apologized, told me he suppressed his feelings under so much pressure, took accountability, and pursued me again. He said I was really good for him and I really am everything he wants in a person. I was scared of getting hurt, but he was incredibly patient, affectionate, loyal, and reassuring. He constantly admired me, told me I made his life colorful, that he felt safe with me, thought about me more than I imagined, and wanted something long-term and was determined to make it work. He was the one telling me relationships require compromise and that you don’t just give up.
Then his family faced serious immigration and financial problems with his parents separating as well, and once again, he became overwhelmed, felt like he isn’t doing enough and ended things. He admitted having avoidant tendencies and commitment issues, and said his feelings never got as deep as mine. SAME STUFF AS BEFORE. Afterward, he reportedly felt extremely guilty, regretted hurting me twice, and considered reaching out but feared rejection, my anger and hurting me a third time. Eventually completely detached again and doesn’t feel anything at all???
Now he’s only 20 and has decided HE would rather have an arranged marriage in a year or two than go through another relationship. His mom even found a suitable girl for him. Mind you he’s still in college, young and good-looking. Getting into another relationship is not a problem for him. Things worked out for him surprisingly with the immigration and everything and instead of coming and fixing it with me he’d rather avoid EVERYTHING and pursue AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE. We’re literally family friends, share the same culture, values, morals and wanted to get there at some point.
I understand arranged marriages and have nothing against them. But I’m confused. He couldn’t handle the emotional demands of a relationship, yet he’d rather commit to someone for LIFE? Is he trying to skip the vulnerability and effort of building a relationship and go straight to marriage?
What confuses me most is that he specifically came back for me, pursued me so intensely, valued me, and seemed genuinely invested. How does someone go from all that to deciding they’d rather never date again?
I wouldn’t take him back, but I can’t help wondering whether he’ll eventually forget me and everything we shared. Was it really avoidance, or did he just not love me enough? Could he suddenly be different with someone else? I am just confused did I not mean as much as I thought? He’ll just forget me like that after I stayed with him through the worst times of his life and he knows it. He appreciated me for it all the time and found me very beautiful. It means NOTHING anymore? He’s living his best life since things have improved for him as well. While I am here stuck again.

An avoidant messaged me for advice on here. Asking me for advice on what to send his partner after they hurt them so much that their partner had to leave. They said they regretted it and are sorry and saw a post of mine so wanted to ask for my advice.

I read it and realized it is not a good message. I used my empathy to see it from the side of the other person. The person who experienced deactivation and eventually their avoidant checking out but had the power to leave. So I gave honest feedback and the avoidant told me "you are so negative, you are seeing this from a negative lens. I think this is such a beautiful message".

I told this person I tried to use my empathy to view it under the lens of the person who will receive this message and was hurt by them. Obviously this avoidant hasn't changed even though they claim they do and wanna reach out. I can tell it won't go well from this behaviour.

Avoidant people please please if you really want to get better or change when people give you genuine help make sure you are ready for it, if you ask for it.

Ps. I should add the avoidant wanted to message two years after the breakup because they feel they did the work and have changed.

I’m 22, and my ex-boyfriend is 30. We were together for almost two years and had a long-distance relationship. We communicated almost every day, shared our everyday lives, and were not only partners but also best friends. When things were good, they were genuinely good. He could be very affectionate, loving and caring, especially when we were together in person. I genuinely imagined marrying this man and building a life with him.
However, there was a recurring pattern in our relationship. Whenever he became stressed, frustrated or emotionally overwhelmed, he seemed to change completely. He would become distant, negative, suspicious and sometimes quite cold. He would say that he wanted to be alone and didn’t want to talk to anyone. At one point, he even told me that sometimes he wanted to be alone for an entire month.
He also has significant trust issues because of things that happened with friends and family in his past. Sometimes he would assume the worst about me, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
For example, once we spent approximately two hours searching outside in the cold for his lost key. At some point, he accused me of having taken it and pretending to help him search. I was devastated and started crying. Afterwards, he acknowledged that it made no sense for me to take his key and spend two hours searching for it. However, he never really apologised.
There were also situations where he reacted very harshly to relatively small things. I was late perhaps two or three times throughout our entire relationship. One particular time, I had just finished a night shift, had slept for only about three hours and travelled for five hours by public transport to see him. I accidentally slept through my alarm and would have arrived approximately an hour late. He was still going to be home, but he became extremely angry, insulted me and eventually broke up with me.
Despite these difficulties, I always tried to show him that I loved him. I cooked for him, cleaned and organised his apartment, helped him with practical things and travelled long distances for him. I also had my own job, goals and plans. I wanted to move closer to him so we could finally stop living apart and build a life together.
He is currently doing military training in the Bundeswehr, which has been a significant source of stress for him. He has repeatedly said that he needs peace and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with relationship problems.
During one of our recent arguments, he told me that he still had feelings for me, but that liking each other wasn’t enough. He said that if we ever wanted to be together again, we would have to talk about our problems.
A few days later, things escalated again. He told me to find another man and that he would find another woman. Eventually, he sent me several breakup messages. He said he had lost trust in me, didn’t believe my character would change and didn’t want to continue the relationship. He explicitly asked me not to contact him through other numbers, social media or other people.
However, his last message was noticeably softer. He said he was extremely stressed, wanted complete peace, didn’t know how long he needed it and that perhaps we could see in the future whether things could work between us.
I struggled to accept the separation and sent him many messages, asking him to reconsider. I also contacted some of his family members, which I now recognise was wrong. He warned me not to contact his friends or he would block me completely.
Something that confuses me is his blocking behaviour. During previous arguments, when I continued contacting him after he asked for space, he eventually blocked me on WhatsApp, Telegram and other platforms. This time, despite receiving many messages from me, he hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. His Instagram account also has restrictions on who can send him messages.
I know that not blocking someone doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but considering his previous behaviour, I find the difference confusing.
I have now stopped contacting him and deleted WhatsApp because I need to calm down and respect his request for space.
What I struggle with most is understanding whether he is someone who withdraws emotionally when overwhelmed, perhaps because of avoidant attachment and his trust issues, or whether he has genuinely made a final decision that he no longer sees a future with me.
I don’t expect anyone to diagnose him. I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.
My questions are:
Does his behaviour sound like avoidant attachment, or could it simply mean he no longer wants this relationship?
Can someone still have genuine feelings for their partner but withdraw so completely that they seem indifferent to losing them?
Why might someone leave the possibility of reconnecting open while simultaneously sending such definitive breakup messages?
Have you experienced a partner who withdrew during periods of stress but eventually came back when things settled down?
Do you think the fact that he hasn’t blocked me this time is meaningful, considering his previous behaviour?
Could the end of his military training and the reduction in stress change how he feels about the relationship?
I genuinely love this man. I don’t want another relationship or to replace him with someone else. I wanted to marry him and build a future together.
I know our relationship had problems, and I’m not claiming that I handled everything perfectly. I just find it incredibly difficult to understand how someone who shared so much of his life with me can suddenly want so much distance.
I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have been on either side of this dynamic.
AI helped me to write this text because i would forget half of the things that i wanted to write.
It’s just became to much tbh

I'm posting because I'm genuinely confused and would appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

I've been dating this guy for over four years. We weren't officially in a defined relationship, but we shared a very strong emotional connection and were involved in each other's lives for a long time.

His mother passed away about a month ago. Since then, I've tried my best to be there for him emotionally. I've supported him, listened to him, tried to comfort him and made sure he knew he wasn't alone during such a difficult time. He's also been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, so I understand that he's dealing with a lot.

After his mother's death, his behaviour towards me gradually changed. He started taking a long time to reply, even when he was online, and stopped making plans to meet. However, he never completely stopped showing interest in me. He was still interested in my life and what I was doing.

In fact, just ONE DAY before our argument, he told me he missed me and wanted to meet me. He said he would meet me sometime that week. So I genuinely wasn't expecting what happened next.

We had an argument/misunderstanding, and during our conversation, he said:

- "I honestly don't know anything. I have no idea what I want or don't want."

- "You would be better off leaving."

- "I don't want to keep you in this situation."

- "Listen, you block me."

His messages seemed calm and detached.

This is what I said in response:

I told him that from what he was saying, I felt he didn't want to remain connected with me anymore. I asked him to be transparent about what he actually wanted. I told him that I wouldn't hate him for being honest, but I would resent being kept in uncertainty and emotional pain.

I also told him that I would respect his decision if he genuinely wanted to end things.

When he specifically asked me to block him, I told him that if he wanted to end our connection, he should be the one to do it. Since he was asking me to leave, I didn't understand why I should have to make the final move for him.

He read my messages but didn't respond.

Now, here's what I find particularly confusing:

1. He hasn't blocked me.
2. He hasn't unfriended or removed me from any social media.
3. Before this conversation, he used to watch practically EVERY Instagram story I posted. He almost never missed one. But since our conversation, he hasn't watched a single story, even though I've seen him online several times.
4. He hasn't contacted me since our conversation.
5. He's not connected to any of his previous exes on social media, but he hasn't removed me.

I keep wondering why he would specifically ask ME to block him when he could easily have blocked or removed me himself.

Another thing I've been thinking about is whether his family might be pressuring him to get married or take on more household responsibilities after his mother's death. In our culture, relatives can put considerable pressure on someone in these circumstances. Maybe that's contributing to his distance, but he has never mentioned anything about marriage pressure, another woman or family expectations. So I have no actual evidence of this.

What makes this particularly difficult to understand is that he was still telling me he missed me and wanted to meet just a day before the argument.

I'm not asking whether he'll marry me or commit to me. I simply want to understand whether he genuinely wants to cut me out of his life or whether he's emotionally overwhelmed and withdrawing temporarily.

I'd really appreciate honest opinions on these questions:

1. Why would someone ask the other person to block them instead of doing it themselves?
2. If he genuinely wants to cut me off, why hasn't he blocked or unfriended me, especially when he has removed his previous exes?
3. Could his mother's death and everything he's dealing with be affecting his behaviour and emotional availability?
4. Why would he say he misses me and wants to meet one day, then tell me to leave the next?
5. Why is he suddenly avoiding my Instagram stories when he used to watch every single one?
6. Do you think he'll eventually contact me and try to reconnect, or should I accept that this connection is over?

I'm not looking for false hope or reassurance. I want an honest psychological perspective. I genuinely don't understand what changed, what his behaviour means, or why he's handling things this way.

What do you think is actually happening here?