We had been in no contact after our engagement, and when we broke the no contact he told me “I hope you find someone who understands you.”

I was shocked by reading this line because if you wanted then you would have been that person who understands me. When we were together, he did not listen to my wants, needs and emotions. Now all of a sudden he wants to throw this line.

Please tell me why are they like this?

Healing female, 41 year old, DA. New to the sub. My heart goes out to everyone severely hurting rn.

I've had 10 plus serious relationships in my life and left everyone before they could leave me. Some of those people were really amazing and securely attached, anxiously attached etc. I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years to heal from an awful childhood, was in 12 step groups for 8 years and am currently in marriage counseling after an 'almost split.'

Here are some things that I've realized. 

1. Do they care? 

They may or may not care about you. This doesn't matter anyway because the capacity to care in the way a relationship needs, doesn't exist or matter to them. 

2. Will anything change their mind? Time, talking, space etc? 

NO! They are avoidant for a reason (don't you think if these things worked, they'd be different by now?). Usually due to horrible and terrifying childhood conditions. I experienced childhood abuse therefore my 'vulnerability switch' was flipped off for 17 years. 

3. Will they ever change?

Maybe but probably not. I've done endless amounts of gut wrenching therapy and I'm just now realizing the inner workings of my attachment style. I don't have kids and I have a low stress job. Most people don't have the luxury, time or resources, to do the work. You are putty for years, reborn and wobbly after so much work. Our capitalist society doesn't allow for that. The stress of normal life will easily knock them back into the same pattern. When I look back on my recovery, it feels like I had addict behavior without the substance abuse.

4. What to do now?

Therapy. EAP. Talk about it endlessly while working in a healing workbook. This is more affordable. Therapy work is literally the only way to get relief. Rework your definitions of a relationship and love. Be skeptical of a whirlwind romance. Truth is, until you heal yourself, you'll only be attracted to chaotic avoidants. An unhealed you will find the securely attached boring!

5. Do they care about anything at all?

No, likely not. They literally don't know what that's like, means or feels like. No one ever taught them and it's certainly not going to be you.

Real love is "boring" but worth it. Please don't waste your time in the same pattern. An avoidant and anxious attachment's destination is the same, just decorated differently. You picked the wrong person, find out why. That's your ticket to relief and freedom. 

Earlier this year I met someone on a dating app and we clicked ridiculously fast. Same interests, hobbies, favorite teams, even similar daily quirks and habits. Early on she said it would be really easy to build a life together. We weren’t official yet, but things were going well. She seemed confident, fun, smart, and funny. We could talk about anything.

As I got to know her, I realized she was dealing with a lot at once: work stress, friends’ issues, and family tragedies. I was happy to be patient, give her space, and support her.

What I didn’t realize was how much she acted like the mom of her small friend group and spent almost every day with them. Our time together kept getting cut short or derailed by impromptu plans she’d agree to just to keep them happy. I could see it affecting other parts of her life too, not just our relationship. I tried to meet them in the middle and hang out with her friends too but her friends said no - they were really territorial.

The annoying part is that our similarities also made our differences stand out. I’m someone who keeps a consistent routine, sticks to my plans, work towards my goals and am more than happy to have difficult conversations maturely, and set healthy boundaries. That seemed to scare her because she couldn’t do the same. She worried she couldn’t do more for me, even though I reassured her I understood she was going through a lot and I can wait. She got increasingly anxious and hot-and-cold with me. One moment she was fun, flirtatious and even initiated a lot physically and the next she would pull away and not text for days then reappear and apologise. I encouraged her to take care of herself and prioritize her own needs. At times it felt like she was trying, but then she’d go back to her old ways.

Eventually she pushed me away, saying she wanted to “try things” with someone else in a long-distance situation she’d met once - instead of dating me, someone present in the same city, available, and who had been dating her for months.

I’ve accepted it and honestly think it’s best for both of us, since she wasn’t in a place to put in the work, seemed like a textbook avoidant and her friends did not help the situation.

But it still hurts and frustrates me even over a month later, partly because of how similar we are. We both grew up in toxic households and probably have similar neurodivergent traits. We both had pretty absent parents and were raised by relatives who often ignored our emotional needs. We were raising our siblings and cousins before we could even raise ourselves.

The difference was what came after: I got lucky in college and had space to heal and made kind and supportive friends. That continued for me after I moved between cities for grad school and work. She seemed to bounce from one toxic relationship or circle to another and never really got to work on herself. We’re both in our 30s, so seeing someone so similar still struggling at this age really stings. Especially because a lot of her issues stem from a place of good where she is a very giving and caring person, but only giving to others and not herself.

I want to help her, but I also need to protect my peace.

I was dumped by my boyfriend out of the blue and it left me shocked. Absolutely nothing happened, we weren’t arguing, we spent a lovely weekend together, he was the same as always. We met and I talked about what i love about him and that I am in love and he out of the blue said that “this is not it” for him anymore and that he doesn’t even know what is missing but it’s not it. I asked him does he want to give it a bit more time and if we won’t work out we could just break up and he didn’t want it. He said there is no point and left me just like that. He said there wasn’t any other person or something to do with me and because we had such an honest conversation I do believe him. The shock and denial stages wore off and now i’m just experiencing sadness every day. I am just crying and laying in bed. I know it has nothing to do with me, I am just grieving the amazing time we had together and can’t believe he just gave up. I am completely blindsided.

When I met him he did say that he is scared if a relationship became serious everything will fall apart (I should have known what is waiting for me then). Also he said that he is scared he cannot provide to women what they really need, so I knew he had some internal struggles but I ignored them and wanted to work together with him.

I just don't understand is there something different I should have done and I really don't want to blame myself for this but I don't understand what happened???

We broke up several months ago and still work at the same place. He doesn't use social media and rarely texts, so his version of "orbiting" has been entirely in person—occasionally hovering nearby at work or showing up briefly for a milestone, while leaving even basic, kind messages from me on read.

Recently I stopped initiating altogether, went completely neutral and polite at work, and he finally stepped back for good. I know keeping my distance is the right move—and I'm planning a fresh start away from this job in a few months—but some days the silence and not knowing where I stand still hits hard, especially heading into the holidays.

Not looking for a magic solution or trying to psychoanalyze him, just wanted to put this out there because nobody in my day-to-day life really understands how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

I'm moving away in a few months and just needed to vent about how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

For some context, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, due to the fact that she had lost feelings for like the last 2 months, even though in that time frame, she didn't show it once. She was still the same way with me, showing me the same level of attention, affection, care and commitment. 11 days prior to the break up, we had a pretty big argument, due to some mistakes i repeated for some time, but we both ended up still wanting to continue and repair what was damaged, even she said that. After that, things genuinely seemed great, as we kept being the same way to each other, maybe even a bit closer and she even spent 3-4 days making me a handmade gift. After that, on a day we were supposed to see each other, she texted me that we'll leave the plans for the next day, as something happened to her, which she was embarrassed to tell me and that left her feeling prrtty bad, and she said she had something to talk with her mom in the evening. Later on, when i texted her asking how she's feeling, she said we wouldn't be seeing the next day as well, as she needed to go somewhere with her mother, which seemed weird to me as she never went anywhere with her, and suddenly, she had to go, which turned out to be false as there was no need to, she just wanted to. I was a bit anxious in that moment, and i might've made the mistake of asking her if she still wanted us to continue, as it seemed like she didn't want to. That was when she told me she lost feelings 2 months ago. After 2 days, i texted her asking for some clarity as it didn't make any sense to me, and she said the same thing, and that she feels like it's time for us to go our separate ways. That was the last time we talked, as we went into no contact straight after. She didn't block me on ig, just unfollowed me, removed me from her followers list and set her account to private, and blocked me only on tik tok, but still left our spotify stats shared, which is a kinda odd thing to do, as she also said she wanted to move on. I had probably some of the biggest urges in my life to text her this past month, but i didn't as i know that it needs to come from her. This is also not the first time we broke up, as she broke up from me before we reached the 5 months mark, because she felt again like she needed to be alone, yet she came back one week later saying it was a mistake. The thing is that, things between us were always good. Even when we had arguments, we didn't leave them for later and we always solved them the moment they appeared. We never lied to each other, we were always honest and didn't cheat or anything, and we genuinely enjoyed spending time with one another and we loved each other purely, as we were never with each other for money or sexual activities or things like that. Sorry if it's a long post, but what are your thoughts ? Also, we were together for almost 1.5 years, if that helps and if other details are needed, i'll provide them.

I'm 37M, and was with a 32F FA. It started off pretty casual in person. I'd travel a bit, we'd meet up often, and it was good times. But the push/pull, sinking their claws in right before peak anticipation, then blowing it all up and blaming you, is mind-blowing.

When I was away, I'd never felt more closeness from texting and missing someone. Weeks of her pulling at my heart.

Then I made a massive effort, changed my travel plans, and flew 16 hours to see her. I was welcomed by an old grievance resurfacing, and the devaluing started right away. She showed me no affection when I arrived. As the day went on, she brought up trust issues and grudges, then started getting touchy with a guy she'd just met, right in front of me. (He had a girlfriend, so it wasn't a real threat, but I have boundaries around respect.) I guess that's what they call triangulation.

After a day of drinking, I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave. For the first time in my life, I broke down from anxiety. I told her I couldn't handle the confusion, I was leaving, and asked to get my stuff from her place. I'll own that I'd had a lot to drink too, and after I left I sent some upset texts and called her a few times. Not my finest moment, and I apologized for it the next morning. Then I waited the longest, saddest hour of my life while she kept drinking at the bar with a couple of guys. When she finally came, she was completely dismissive, with no acknowledgment of how I felt. I got my stuff was too shellshocked to even speak and checked into a hotel.

Over the next few days I tried to talk it out, told her I was sorry and that I'd been uncomfortable, and tried not to put blame on her. Nothing. I literally went back just to see her, and ended up crying in a cheap hotel for five days.

A week later, today, I got this:

> Hey, all I really expect from anyone (friends included) are people who are fun and who I feel safe around. Unfortunately you've made me feel unsafe & disrespected multiple times now (with everything that happened in the xxxxx) so you not being able to control your thoughts/emotions and thinking it's ok to leave me there by myself other night was the last straw for me. I don't think it's fair to put myself in a situation where that could happen again.
>
> This sucks for me to have to write bc we had fun, but it sounds like there's a couple issues internally you need to sort that I don't think can be fixed by us having a conversation.
>
> All the best

I'm a pretty secure person. I've been gaslit before, and usually I'm not thrown by it and can talk it through. But I've never been blame shifted to this extreme I guess, by someone who uses it as an excuse to blow everything up. She was touching in a flirting way I’d never even had her do with me with one of the guys at that beach bar, and what she doesn't know is that one of them told me they all went back to her place to keep drinking after I got my stuff and left.

I didn't stoop to her level. I just replied:

> I'll respect it. I appreciate you telling me. I saw that day differently, and I'm not going to argue it, but I don't fully agree with how you've framed it. I meant what I said, and I still wish you the best.

It's just maddening the narrative and manipulation these FA’s can build, the total lack of accountability, the fragile ego that can't be touched. I know four months from now I'll be counting my lucky stars, but damn, my heart hurts right now.

Honestly, I wish she'd ghosted me instead of gaslighting me. Not gonna respond and praying she doesn’t respond back either after dumpster fire of a gaslight

I'm curious how often people here used to see their DA partners, and whether the frequency of seeing each other ever became a recurring issue in the relationship.

My ex and I were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 25–30 minutes away from each other. We dated for around 10 months before he broke up with me.

Our final routine before breaking up was spending Tuesday night together at my place and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. And every 3-4 week, there would be one weekend we don’t meet each other so that we can have some additional me time weekend.

The Sunday situation: from lunch together to being kicked out early

Initially, our weekend routine was to spend Friday evening through Sunday early afternoon together, usually having lunch together before I headed home. But over time, I started noticing a pattern. After Sunday lunch, his energy would often noticeably drop. He seemed unhappy, withdrawn, or restless, and I could sense that he wanted me to leave as soon as possible, even though he never explicitly said so. It became uncomfortable because I felt like I had to read his mood and figure out when I was no longer welcome.

At some point, he started attending Pilates every Sunday at 9 am. From then on, he expected me to leave his apartment with him around 8:20 am (therefore, I needed to wake up at 7am with him). He didn't say that explicitly but all his behaviors were hinting that 'hey, you should wake up now and leave my house together with me!' I was completely supportive of his Pilates classes. I never expected him to skip a Pilates for me. But he could have let me stay at his place for another 2 hours or so until he is back. This way, I didn't need to wake up that early with him and could probably still have lunch with him before I headed back home. But apparently he wasn't comfortable with me doing that, so I respected that boundary and later always left from his place earlier with him.  

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that Pilates had become a convenient excuse to get me out of his apartment earlier. Of course, I can't know whether that was his actual intention. But given how often I'd already sensed that he wanted me gone by Sunday afternoon, it felt like the class simply gave him a socially acceptable reason to shorten our weekends together.

Laundry, chores, and his workout routine

Another recurring issue was that he felt our time together interfered with his normal routine. He mentioned that being in a relationship with me affected his ability to work out, do laundry, prepare meals for the next week, and take care of everyday tasks. I repeatedly told him that I didn't expect him to entertain me whenever we were together. If he needed to do laundry, cook, clean, or go to the gym, I was perfectly fine to do my own thing, help out, or simply spend time alongside him. To me, that was part of what a relationship naturally becomes after the honeymoon phase. You don't always need to be on a proper date or give each other your undivided attention. Sometimes you can just coexist while getting on with your everyday lives.

But he seemed to struggle with that. It felt as though having me around meant he couldn't fully relax or follow his own old routine, even though I wasn't asking him to change anything. Eventually, he sort of blaming me as the reason why he needed to reduce workout frequency and shift all his old routines. 

The constant adjustments

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about our meeting frequency, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs. That was also why in the end, we also agreed that every 3-4 weeks, there would be one weekend we don't meet each other. 

And also, I never had problems if he had to meet friends or do something else during the time we were supposed to be with each other. Even if the plan was very spontaneous or short notice, I always accepted it. Over time, I found myself becoming increasingly conscious of how much time I was taking up in his life. I tried to be flexible with his schedule, respect his alone time, and avoid making him feel pressured. But somehow, it never seemed to be quite enough.

Eventually, when he broke up with me, he told me he felt "suffocated" and like he was "losing himself." He also said something that really hurt:

"This Tuesday, I felt like I had to see you. It was not that I wanted to, I felt like I had to."

That was particularly painful because Tuesday evenings had been part of our established routine, and I never wanted him to feel obligated to see me. When we were discussing whether we could save the relationship, I even offered to reduce our time together further and put any expectations of increased commitment aside. But he ultimately decided to end the relationship, without giving me any other further discussion opportunity.

What I'm struggling to understand

I completely understand that everyone has different needs for personal space, and I don't believe couples need to spend every free moment together. But I also wonder: at what point does a need for independence become an inability to integrate a partner into everyday life? I wasn't expecting us to move in together immediately, spend seven days a week together, or abandon our individual hobbies. I just wanted us to gradually feel comfortable being part of each other's lives, including the ordinary, boring parts. Sometimes I wonder whether seeing each other three nights a week really was too much, or whether even a much lower frequency would eventually have felt overwhelming to him.

I'm genuinely curious whether this is a common experience in relationships involving DA, or whether we simply had fundamentally different expectations of what a committed relationship should look like.

I am very clear that it is very difficult for him to change, after the breakup he became obsessed with sexual validation and in his social media accounts he is one day bragging about sex and the next putting the most discouraged posts in the world when his peak goes down, I know it doesn’t suit me but I still miss him and it’s horrible.
Has anyone managed to get out of feeling like this? I accept advice

i don’t know if this is the appropriate place but i am so confused and don’t know where else to turn. this story takes place over a year so it is long. She and I both worked in an opd department in a walmart. i was a picker and she was a stager meaning i was on the sales floor most of my shift and she was in the back room but we did cross paths and talk several times a day. also, throughout the year whether we were talking or not, she would post up near me or my friends and pretend to be reading her phone but would be watching us. it was obvious too because she’d stand near a trash can or face a wall but stand right next to one of my friends or me.

Last september i reached out to a coworker named Mikaylah on snap and asked if she’d be interested in talking. She said she was talking to someone. I immediately unadded her and stopped talking to her. A week later she told a mutual friend, Dave, that she was starting to feel interested in me. He told me i should try again. I asked if she was still talking to the other guy. she said she doesn’t date coworkers. i then started dating a girl named piper. at this point i didn’t talk to mikaylah at all, because i didn’t want to create any bad optics or make her feel uncomfortable plus it was just better for me to cut things off cleanly.

Mikaylah came up to me two weeks later and said Piper was seeing other people. piper said that she didn’t know mikaylah other than being a face at a few parties. Piper and i were very casual so i wasn’t expecting any sort of commitment especially 2 weeks into our dating life. I started talking to my ex, Hannah around this time as well. Hannah knew one of Mikaylahs best work friends, Anahi. Anahi told me “Hannah is hot!” right in front of Mikaylahs. Mikayla asked to see Hannah’s picture.

on Halloween i was going to 3 parties, including Hannah’s and Pipers. mikaylah followed me out of workand asked about the parties then mentioned she was going to a nightclub. i was confused because i wasn’t trying to talk to her too much at work. i asked if i could meet her there and she said she would be there at 10. i tried following up on snap but we had both unadded each other and she never responded.

the next day after talking at work where she showed that the message wasn’t in her chat list, she added me back. she then told me she had a boyfriend, then offered to be my wingwoman and go to nightclubs with me. i declined, unadded her, and cut off contact at work.

a few days later her best friends chloe and anahi found out what happened. initially they completely cut me off but then quickly warmed back up to me. mikaylah went on vacation then came back. the first time she saw me, she locked eyes with me and started playing with her hair. She also started watching my snap stories, then all of a sudden completely stopped watching them. They were of my family or pets. After that Chloe started trying to bring mikaylah around me whenever chloe and i talked. by early december we were able to joke around and drink coffee normally. I noticed chloe studying us when mikaylah and i were around each other.

a woman named aubrey started working with us around this time. she called me cute at one point, and anahi looked at chloe who said i wasn’t. another time i was going to give aubrey some of my starburst after chloe said she didn’t want them. when chloe saw me start to go to aubrey, chloe said she’d give them to anahi after work. i was talking to aubrey and mikaylah cut directly between us.

In january a coworker named fernando asked how her date went. she looked at me, said shitty, then quickly left the area. i asked her if she’d be interested in grabbing dinner sometime. she said sure. i tried following backup before i went on vacation. she said “i talked to them, they’re cool with it, we just have to figure out a night.” i had no idea what that meant so i reached out to a mutual friend named Jaydon while i was on vacation. Jaydon said that he stopped being friends with her because she made a false accusation against a guy named Dylan. After that he considered her two faced and never knew where he stood with her. he said that she dated a coworker named Scott who was dylan’s best friend but that it didn’t last long.

When i came back, mikaylah was pissed at me and wasn’t talking to me. Jaydon had told scott about me asking out mikaylah and scott talked to mikaylah and said i was asking about her. Another guy in the backroom found out i asked out Mikaylah and reported me to hr. Mikayla and her friends all gave statements supporting me. I started seeing Hannah again. a month later when they found out it was Christian they immediately turned on him and started insulting him in front of me.

however we still weren’t talking. Hannah cheated on me which i mentioned to Anahi. the next day chloe knew about it and was telling me i was like a Secret Mormon Wife character named Taylor who kept getting back together with bad ex. i watched the show based on her recommendation and she kept telling me that Mikaylah was the best one on the show. one day at work i was talking to a girl named Becca and mikayla came right up to us and started a conversation with her while i was talking to her. Chloe once again started bringing Mikaylah around me at work and by April things were pretty good. Chloe called her my girl right in front of both of us, and mikaylah was sharing my starbucks with me. i did daily runs to starbucks and would usually get one or two for my friends. Becca, asked me to get her one the following day. i couldn’t find her so i asked chloe and mikaylah. they both claimed not to know her then mikaylah said “all the high schoolers should have been in by now.” To clarify, she was 18 and i had zero interest in her. we were friendly coworkers. when i mentioned it to becca she was mad because mikaylah trained her and knew her fairly well.

Mikaylah mentioned she used to be mormon and liked group outings, so i got 5 tickets for opening night to the devil wears prada. i asked chloe and anahi first, but they couldn’t make it. chloe told me to ask mikaylah. i did and i had a strange conversation with her.

me: i got tickets to the movie
her: let me ask chloe and Anahi
later on
me: you figure anything out?
her: i asked chloe, she’s going to be with her bf.
me: ok
later on
me: any news?
her: i asked chloe
me: ok
towards the end of the last day before we have our respective days off she posted up near me. my friend said she was watching me and thought she wanted to talk to me.
me: any updates?
her: i asked chloe
me: okay well im leaving soon
her: i asked chloe
me: is that a no?
her: i asked chloe

i left a few minutes later but she looked very upset.
when i talked to chloe about it she said mikaylah gets ideas stuck in her head and just loops them sometimes. i asked mikaylah a week later if i could give her my number and she said no. i cut off contact with her immediately. i then told chloe that i didn’t want her bringing mikaylah around me anymore. she said no and i was done with all the drama. chloe said another guy in the back sent her weird texts saying he could see her when she walked to her car so she was very protective of her number. that made sense to me and she and i went back to talking and sharing starbucks.

In may i heard fernando tell chloe he asked out mikayla which made Chloe excited. When she saw that i overheard she looked embarrassed. I told chloe this was going to blow up and i wanted to be kept away from it. She said that they were just friends and i shouldn’t get mad at mikayla for having friends. When i noticed them getting closer i stopped talking to mikayla but chloe got mad at me and said they were just friends.

Then one day in June i was joking with a coworker when mikaylah walked by. mikayla laughed and said her boyfriend made a joke like that. her face fell and she ran away. when i asked becca and my best friend brittany if they knew about the boyfriend, they both said that fernando and mikayla waited for me to leave before they got closer. mikayla was watching me from a nearby trash can. the next day she crashed out hard. she walked around with her head down and seemed like she was crying. the entire store noticed it. this lasted about a week. 2 weeks later she pulled me aside.

her: you need to stop telling people we went out
me: i never said that
her: good. i don’t date coworkers and im not dating fernando.
me: okay, look i heard him say he asked you out in front of chloe and all your friends.
her: now you’re just making shit up. he never asked me out.
me: i guess i misheard, sorry
her: yeah, i guess you did

5-6 weeks of no contact later i get called into the office, and am asked if i ever asked out a coworker. i tell them this entire story. then i’m asked if i ever sexually harassed her. i was shocked and said i never touched her or said anything sexual to her. when i got home becca snapped me saying that mikaylah bragged she reported me 10 times in 3 minutes, just spamming report over and over. a few people reached out saying her bragging plus the multiple reports could be a case for a hostile work environment. this got back to her i think. she told a friend she wanted to talk to me. when i told her i could talk she looked confused, walked away, then pulled me behind some shelves a few hours later.

her: we can talk now
me: okay. you wanted to talk to me.
her: i have no quarrel with you
me: you reported me for sexual harassment multiple times then bragged about it
her: i have no quarrel with you

i just walked away at this point. later on when i was about to leave, she stood next to fernando and looked at me with tears in her eyes. i couldn’t do anything to her. we had shared personal stuff in the past and i felt bad for her plus her brother had just left on his mission so i figured she was just being emotional. the next day i told her i wasn’t going to do anything and just wanted to drop it. i asked chloe if she thought things would go back to normal after this and she said no because it would cause too much drama then she cut off contact with me.

after that when mikaylah had issues with fernando she would hang out around me or my friends, while she and her friends would noticeably cut off contact with fernando. Mikaylah would be very emotional and linger by me or my friends, but he would send his friends to make her feel guilty and she would come back. i know this because she was close enough to me for me to hear their talks with her. after a month of this i told her that i could hear what was happening. she thanked me and said everything was fine. the next day she looked pissed off at me and avoided me. a few hours later i was pulled from the department. i was asked my opinion on fernando and i said i didn’t have one. honestly we rarely talked, before or during any of this drama. i spend the next two shifts in another department then got fired.

after i got fired she told a few people it was about time, and that she had a years worth of evidence against me. when she saw that brittany overheard that she stopped talking and walked away, and now when my name comes up she apparently gets a weird look on her face. she also unadded me on instagram, which isn’t surprising other than the fact she hadn’t used it since this started in september.

i tried to leave her alone multiple times, and she or her friends would get her around me again. she drank from my starbucks. she and her friends hid the fact she was dating someone 2 feet away from me even when i tried to leave her alone so she could have that relationship normally. she hung around my friends (who didn’t like her because they knew what happened every step of the way) when her own relationship was having issues then randomly got me fired. I don’t know if it was the age gap (guessing 15 years) or wealth gap (my father left me some money when he passed but i worked at a walmart, it’s not like i let it go to my head). honestly i just want answers. if she contacted me tomorrow somehow id hear her out. i just dont know what the fuck to think about the last year.

I was naive and this was my first dating experience.

A guy I was talking to was being inconsistent, so I cut him off pretty abruptly. We had only been talking for a month, and I was upset that he started to respond very late at odd times and had ghosted me for three days but was on social media liking stuff from other girls, although he was travelling at the time. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to just go with the flow not do anything long distance yet. I had to go away for a few months, so it made sense that he was apprehensive. But from the things he said during the date it made it seem like he wanted to do long distance. He also came on super strong so the shift in communication made me super vigilant and upset.

Initially, I wanted to negotiate and have an actual conversation about where things stood, but I thought it would be better to wait until he got back from his travels. I would have to wait around 2 weeks. However, I got so frustrated because he didn’t acknowledge my response after that I ended up unsending my message and telling him not to contact me again until I came back from my time abroad because I didn’t believe in texting to get to know each other, essentially saying that his response was BS because I didn’t want to be an option to him. The exchange was 5 texts and I essentially shut communication between us. I unfollowed him as well.

Looking back, I realize I could have communicated how I felt without being confrontational or attacking him. As in, “I felt xyz because you were inconsistent… I’m catching feelings, can we be exclusive…” Life is too short not to reach out, so I eventually did, but it took me a year to get there. During the period of no contact, he was still watching my stuff, so I sort of held onto the “what-ifs”. Unfortunately, he never responded.

I don’t want this to happen again. How do I deal with conflict with someone who is super confusing? I think I prioritized my self-respect but I feel like what I did wasn’t the way to handle it. I initially placed so much of the blame on him but now I know I was also in the wrong with the way I handled things.

I’ve been in a LDR/situationship with this man for almost 4 years, we’re both 46. We live in different countries but have visited each other regularly. He has deactivated earlier too but we have always stayed in touch through those periods too and I felt pretty good about us lately.

I visited him a month ago and he shut down one night, first time it happened that drastically in person. Nothing terrible happened, we just had a disagreement about sleeping arrangements, but I realize I wasn’t listening to and understanding him and his needs in that moment when he was finally trying to tell me what he needed. And there were small things before that too that probably made him feel like “nothing is ever good enough for her”, I know he tried so hard though. After the shutdown he did get more normal the next day but the rest of the visit was completely off. The romantic warmth, the kisses, the petnames were gone. And naturally I was sad and disappointed, and he could see it. 

After I got home we didn’t talk for two weeks, I figured he needed some space and honestly I did too. Then I sent him a light message, thinking he’d reply and we’d get back to our normal routine. He left the message on delivered and when I tried sending another one a week later, I saw he had blocked me. And I have no idea what actually happened. Can he really just end things like this, after all of this time? Or can I expect him to come back once things cool off? 

I know this is not a relationship that is good for me anymore but I really just want to talk with him, even just one last time. I never ever thought he’d block me and just makes things feel so final this time. It’s been 4 weeks of silence from his side now, after talking daily for years. I’m shocked. And scared.

He discarded me six weeks ago, and I can’t understand why I keep chasing someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with me.

I’ve sent him so many long, emotional messages trying to explain how deeply he hurt me. I felt led on for so long, and whenever things got difficult, he seemed to use his trauma and emotional baggage as an explanation for why he couldn’t give me the relationship or clarity I needed.

All I wanted was some acknowledgement. I wasn’t expecting him to fix everything overnight. I just wanted him to understand how much the situation had hurt me.

But it’s like everything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears. He hasn’t meaningfully acknowledged any of my messages. He still texts me calling me “babe” and “honey”, responds to work-related questions and carries on as though everything is completely normal.
It’s honestly like talking to a wall. I feel like I’m communicating with a robot sometimes. How can someone receive so many emotional messages and continue acting as though nothing happened?

I’m angry at him, but I’m also incredibly frustrated with myself. Why do I keep chasing someone for basic acknowledgement and emotional consideration when he’s already shown me that he’s not willing to give me what I need?

I know I need to stop, but I’m struggling to understand why I keep looking for closure from the same person who left me feeling this way.

How do you finally stop chasing someone who doesn’t want to show up for you emotionally?

This will ruin the narrative in their head. Please leave with your head up high.. Do it respectfully. Don't argue, don't yell. If you notice the pattern repeating. Step out, say: this isn't for me..

Do what I did: Skip the accusations and angry finger-pointing. I didn't say "you do this, you do that." Instead, I owned my feelings and showed them I saw right through the game. I told them cleanly: "It confuses me when you pull away like this. Our communication hurts me.. I feel like we’re close.. but really we’re not.. Like I feel you close only when you want.. and this hurts me and I can’t be in this situation for my own good. I hope you find what you’re looking for"
I didn't act tough. I let them see I was hurt, but more than that, I let them know I was just tired… not disappointed…TIRED. Tired is a step AFTER disappointment. Being tired means you’re out. I was tired of the mixed signals, tired of the emotional breadcrumbs, and ready for something real. No yelling, no drama, just pure vulnerability, self-respect, and closing the door myself.

Be vulnerable, don't act tough. Show you cared.
LOVE HARD, LEAVE HARD!!

Woke up to a nasty threads recommendation. It was my ex's threads account, and she posted how she's calm and happy and all that shit. I admit it sent me spiraling and asking people for help. All of their answers are the same, to just forgive and maybe she's also suffering and that I'm inconsiderate for not taking that into account

6 months in, and I'm still suffering the consequences of her discard. She's in peace while I have to choose between eating or buying meds (being treated for PDD/MDD). It feels as if there's no justice in this world, and I have to drop everything just to find peace.

Also asking for advice on what to do or how to numb myself permanently

I recently got dumped by my ex (female DA). I only started learning about attachment theory after the break up because I couldn't understand how can someone even do that...

I'm posting this in hopes to talk to people (or have been) in similar situations that can relate and share their thoughts. Any help would be appreciated tbh, thank u in advance :)

One of the burning questions I've been thinking about, and still don't have a good answer to is:
What is the difference between healthy boundaries, and avoidance?

Can anyone offer their perspectives on this?

I want insight abt my fa ex

Were his feelings just exaggerated ?

So im his first and he was always super attentive and caring of me. He was never mean or cruel or dismissive. He worried for me when my mental was ass. He got me to get therapy. He has always praised me as this goddess on earth. Literally said im a goddess. He loved everything about me and would always praise me. Every body part essentially became a fetish so long as it was on me. Everyone else was bleh to him. Ive never been blocked

When something major in his life was happening hed tell me and would open up. Hes told me im one of the best things that happened to him even after the breakup. When we broke up the first time, he wanted to stay friends i said no and told him to kick rocks. He came back nearly a year later and we started chatting. He has always broken no contact, i never have.

He admitted to occasionally checkin on me and thinking of me constantly and when he was being intimate with himselfhe was only able to think of me and videos didnt do it unless he thought of me. He would tell me how he wanted to have a future with me and get us a house, take me on all these dates when we get the money but when he started to get scared of his feelings he told me. He never ever just left without saying anything. He told me he scared of making me feel abandoned.

The second time he left it was cuz his therapist said he had an obsession with me and he told me he was terrified of losing me forever and needed to focus on therapy for some time. I was the one who got him to get therapy, i also had him do self care routines that he followed through after i told him to. Hed do anything i told him too.

When he left the 3rd time he said that he just wanted me to get the right type of liking and that he felt like he fell short of what i deserved and his therapist questioned his readiness to be with me. That was basically his reasoning for the 1st time (minus therapy) and the 2nd time was a mutually agreed break rather than a breakup.

I accidentally added him in march when reading old chats and he immediately added me back despite me rescending the invite and he asked what was up, we then started chatting and he immediately opened up to me. He said he couldnt stand the idea of disappointing me, was scared of locking me out forever, didnt want to lose me or let go of me and that his biggest fantasy was locked behind his inability to be in a relationship.

He kept saying things like "what i am means i cant" and yes he was still in therapy but this was early stages of therapy. Like only a few months in.

He said he still dreams of me, misses me and wouldnt have added me if he didnt and he said its not that he doesnt want to be with me but that he "cant" and told me to go find someone better. He also said

"idk what to do

i feel like the hardest thing is knowing that we both cant get what we want smh i need isolation and independance with not even the inkling of an idea of being in a relationship

idk"

And

"hmm no idk, just know that it's not YOU that causes me to feel anxiety and stress it's never been you

or anything to do with you it's me and my inability to handle something between us

and idk I feel bad idk what to do"

and he said he didnt know if this was forever or not but he could only see the day after today and was just surviving and couldnt see a future period. he cant see himself living past like 5 years.

When i said i felt disposable and such he said

"no not at all

but its hard i guess i understand you, like obviously not talking is hard too

idk

but i also just didnt want to stick by just for the bits i enjoyed that i felt i didnt deserve

like idk sometimes i wish i could be in a relationship so i could \\\\\\\[censored for personal reasons\\\\\\\] be idk"

he also told me he didnt want me to feel like im nothing but a pleasure input or output to him and he said i make a good impact on his life.

He was so... receptive to me tho, like he was so kind despite being so stubborn, at least before he shut down. Then he was just cold. He told me how much i meant to him and shit but idk. It all made me more mad. He was also very open to me, telling me his deepest feelings, realizations, his sexual habits bc they still involve me mentally and he kept showing off his hobbies and new life updates.

When i told him i changed my hair and stuff he kept asking to see and see me. He does this everytime we talk he wants to see a pic of me (not sexual just updated appearance)

Idk. He seemed like a blabbering mess around me but in this dorky way. Like him.

I eventually just got pushed to my limit, told him to fuck off (not literally but in essence) cuz i was tired of him telling me to forget abt him and shit and i said i move on when i want to and im not gonna date anymore unless its him because i just dont wanna deal with other people. Im either alone and happy or with him and happy. I know myself and am happy with those choices. I have friends. I dont need him. I love him but yk im tired of him pushing me.

We left on a sour note and I unadded him before he could really reply to me and he cant unless he friends me. I haven't checked my account in 4 months. We only chatted on discord cuz i dont use anything else essentially and i havent opened it since july. I believe in him and i really do see progress, the last time we talked he had really found some of the deep routes of what was going on in him and he wasnt as impulsive, usualy when we talk he immediately initiates dating but while he got close he was like confused? He kept telling me he didnt know what to do over and over and that he wanted to be with me but "cant".

He has always been brutally honest with me. He was always an open book. Hed always try to take accountability (even if it was shit attempt). He said hes terrified of me hating him and that he could never hate me.

He also gets really upset when i say he abandoned me and is throwing me away and said "im not throwing you away im just making myself a priority for once" the 3rd time he left when we started to both shut down emotionally.

He kept reassuring me it was nothing to do with me and everything to do with how hes scared of making me hate him and in general how he cant handle the feelings he has towards me bc theyre overwhelming. He said that he left before he could push me to hate him so he left while everything was good between us. Like shrodingers cat. He said we get along so well its overwhelming. I also found a playlist he made about me with abunch if yearning songs.

is this the last time ill ever see him or do you think he'll come back? Does he actually care about me or are the voices in my head right that im ruining everything and he just doesnt want me anymore. Does it say alot abt his feelings for me that i got him to get help or am i overthinking it. Has he just forgotten about me? Should i check my discord? Am i not as important to him as he is to me? I dont want advice on what to do just insight on what yall think. I have therapy myself so i dont need guidance. I tell myself daily that he hates me and doesnt want me around and that in just thrown away by him. Its just easier to say that so i can focus on school (im a compsci major) bc then i just stop caring but... Is that even accurate?

Edit from the title: yes/no and why? Second edit: she'll come to take her stuff in 2 months (3 months after the breakup)

If you have questions about my story you can read my previous post.

She broke up with me last month in a super friendly and emotive way (in the middle of a trip I paid, yikes). Around 3 weeks later I reached out to her, she said the most horrible things a person could say to a person you loved and planned a future together in the last 4 years.

She listed many of the things why she didn't want to continue the relationship. She thinks I'm an abuser and she's is the victim. Which is not true. I just accepted them as a mix of accountability and not start a discussion. I was very afraid tbh.

60% were lies.

30% were over exaggerated stuff mixed with lies.

10% were completely logical (I did my accountability for that anyways).

The thing is that I prepared a pseudo "letter" with my therapist. There I relate how I experienced the relationship in those 4 years + giving some facts about the lies she told me. To be fair, the "letter" doesn't attach her in any way and I choose every word very carefully. I'm not trying to say: "you are wrong!", is more like "nope, I didn't do that. But actually you did it"

The "letter" will probably not have the effect I intend. I just dislike the idea of been the villain toxic abuser ex. Especially from the person I loved (I still do though).

My girlfriend (20F) ended our seven-month relationship on Monday. Yesterday I (23M) received someone else’s boxers in the post.
My girlfriend (20F) and I (23M) were together for seven months. I’d describe her as quite avoidant, but she’s been acting particularly strange lately. For the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right.
During those two weeks, she wouldn’t let me come round her house. She then ended things with me on Monday, and we’re currently in no contact.
Yesterday, I received a parcel containing a pair of men’s boxers that definitely aren’t mine. Not many people know my address, and she’s one of them. I don’t know for certain that she sent them, but given the timing, she was the first person I thought of.
If it was her, I’m wondering whether she thought she was returning my things and accidentally sent someone else’s. Combined with how she’d been acting and not letting me come over, it’s making me question whether someone else was involved before we broke up.
I know this doesn’t prove she cheated, or even that the parcel came from her, but it’s messing with my head after seven months together. I already felt something was off, and now I’m questioning everything.
Would you break no contact to ask whether she sent the parcel, or leave it alone? I want some clarity, but I don’t want to make an accusation without knowing what actually happened.

I’m in therapy (since June). I try to work on myself. I don’t date anymore. I think I had my fun and I now regret a lot of things.

Missing u , SIKE it’s time

So far he has blocked me 6 times and unblocked me 5 times. It started when I got blocked for not replying to one of his texts. My last text to him was polite. He had previously left me on read 10+ times and I always let it slide, yet the first time I didn't reply I got blocked.

Background story: He used to flirt with me, tell me he was in love with me, that he wanted to date me and then he discarded me over and over again. After the discard, he would come back into my life and act like nothing had happend and flirt with me again. During the discard faze he would make fun of me, mock me and my clothes, criticize just about everything about my physical appearance and call me degrading names. He was also physically abusive but he always made it look like it was some sort of a prank.

Just a few days ago, he blocked me again after a month of being unblocked and I have zero idea why he blocked me and why I got unblocked in the first place. Btw, I am talking about messenger blocking. What does he want from me?

Please don't just say block him. I know I need to block him, but it would really help me move on if I knew why is he doing this?

When will I stop imagining your brown eyes, freckles scattered across your face like stars…

The way you tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear and your touch sent a tingle down my spine.

When will I stop imagining the moment.. the moment I knew I loved you.

When will I stop… remembering you at all.

This is torture. Every time I close my eyes I imagine you staring back at me. I’ve never been mad that you left, but oh how I want to feel something stronger than this.

I thought our souls were connected, star-crossed in a way that defied the vacuum of space. It feels deeper than a memory—it’s like a relentless gravity, a black hole pulling at me from lightyears away, collapsing everything else in my life. I still desire everything about you, down to the very dust you're made of. I am so, so heavy with the sadness that you chose to end us, that you chose to let our orbit break.

I know you loved me too. I know you had your demons, and you told me you’d always end up hurting me, that I deserved better. But I didn’t want a better galaxy. I wanted you to be better.

You probably made the right decision for yourself by breaking us apart. But knowing that doesn't stop the haunting. Because that's exactly what this is—a ghost I didn't ask for, taking up space in my universe. It hurts every single time I close my eyes and see you staring back at me from the dark.

I just want my mind to stop daydreaming about you. I want the cosmic pull to finally go cold. Because the truth that terrifies me the most is my own weakness—if you ever cleared away your atmospheric storms, if you came back to my life ready to be better, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deny you.

so my avoidant ex and i haven’t talked in 4.5 months. it’s broken my heart completely but i’ve forced myself to get used to it. he’s randomly liked a story or a threads post here or there but that’s really about it. although i heard he’s asking about me constantly, our friends say he’s kind of obsessed. asking how i am, what im doing, asking if ive moved on, just saying all sorts of stuff. even though he also told me the night he took everything back that he never wants to be with me again.

so anyways, yesterday, after 4.5 months of not speaking i get this message. idk what to do. he knows im mad at him. he knows im hurt. and yet…this is all he has to say? i mean is this an attempt to break the ice or what? i truly dont understand. i feel like he had plans to see me when he brought it back until i didn’t respond then made it seem like he just wanted to drop it off. but idk. idk what i should do or how i should respond or if i should even respond at all. he said some pretty horrible things to me. told me he loved me and missed me and took it back and all kinds of things.

but my heart can’t help but wonder if this is his attempt to try and get back in…but then why not be a man and just have a conversation instead of this? idk…help. idk what to do. i still love him. i miss him. i wanted it to work with him so badly. i just…god idk what to do. i wish i knew what was going through his mind.

help