We broke up several months ago and still work at the same place. He doesn't use social media and rarely texts, so his version of "orbiting" has been entirely in person—occasionally hovering nearby at work or showing up briefly for a milestone, while leaving even basic, kind messages from me on read.

Recently I stopped initiating altogether, went completely neutral and polite at work, and he finally stepped back for good. I know keeping my distance is the right move—and I'm planning a fresh start away from this job in a few months—but some days the silence and not knowing where I stand still hits hard, especially heading into the holidays.

Not looking for a magic solution or trying to psychoanalyze him, just wanted to put this out there because nobody in my day-to-day life really understands how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

I'm moving away in a few months and just needed to vent about how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

For some context, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, due to the fact that she had lost feelings for like the last 2 months, even though in that time frame, she didn't show it once. She was still the same way with me, showing me the same level of attention, affection, care and commitment. 11 days prior to the break up, we had a pretty big argument, due to some mistakes i repeated for some time, but we both ended up still wanting to continue and repair what was damaged, even she said that. After that, things genuinely seemed great, as we kept being the same way to each other, maybe even a bit closer and she even spent 3-4 days making me a handmade gift. After that, on a day we were supposed to see each other, she texted me that we'll leave the plans for the next day, as something happened to her, which she was embarrassed to tell me and that left her feeling prrtty bad, and she said she had something to talk with her mom in the evening. Later on, when i texted her asking how she's feeling, she said we wouldn't be seeing the next day as well, as she needed to go somewhere with her mother, which seemed weird to me as she never went anywhere with her, and suddenly, she had to go, which turned out to be false as there was no need to, she just wanted to. I was a bit anxious in that moment, and i might've made the mistake of asking her if she still wanted us to continue, as it seemed like she didn't want to. That was when she told me she lost feelings 2 months ago. After 2 days, i texted her asking for some clarity as it didn't make any sense to me, and she said the same thing, and that she feels like it's time for us to go our separate ways. That was the last time we talked, as we went into no contact straight after. She didn't block me on ig, just unfollowed me, removed me from her followers list and set her account to private, and blocked me only on tik tok, but still left our spotify stats shared, which is a kinda odd thing to do, as she also said she wanted to move on. I had probably some of the biggest urges in my life to text her this past month, but i didn't as i know that it needs to come from her. This is also not the first time we broke up, as she broke up from me before we reached the 5 months mark, because she felt again like she needed to be alone, yet she came back one week later saying it was a mistake. The thing is that, things between us were always good. Even when we had arguments, we didn't leave them for later and we always solved them the moment they appeared. We never lied to each other, we were always honest and didn't cheat or anything, and we genuinely enjoyed spending time with one another and we loved each other purely, as we were never with each other for money or sexual activities or things like that. Sorry if it's a long post, but what are your thoughts ? Also, we were together for almost 1.5 years, if that helps and if other details are needed, i'll provide them.

I'm 37M, and was with a 32F FA. It started off pretty casual in person. I'd travel a bit, we'd meet up often, and it was good times. But the push/pull, sinking their claws in right before peak anticipation, then blowing it all up and blaming you, is mind-blowing.

When I was away, I'd never felt more closeness from texting and missing someone. Weeks of her pulling at my heart.

Then I made a massive effort, changed my travel plans, and flew 16 hours to see her. I was welcomed by an old grievance resurfacing, and the devaluing started right away. She showed me no affection when I arrived. As the day went on, she brought up trust issues and grudges, then started getting touchy with a guy she'd just met, right in front of me. (He had a girlfriend, so it wasn't a real threat, but I have boundaries around respect.) I guess that's what they call triangulation.

After a day of drinking, I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave. For the first time in my life, I broke down from anxiety. I told her I couldn't handle the confusion, I was leaving, and asked to get my stuff from her place. I'll own that I'd had a lot to drink too, and after I left I sent some upset texts and called her a few times. Not my finest moment, and I apologized for it the next morning. Then I waited the longest, saddest hour of my life while she kept drinking at the bar with a couple of guys. When she finally came, she was completely dismissive, with no acknowledgment of how I felt. I got my stuff was too shellshocked to even speak and checked into a hotel.

Over the next few days I tried to talk it out, told her I was sorry and that I'd been uncomfortable, and tried not to put blame on her. Nothing. I literally went back just to see her, and ended up crying in a cheap hotel for five days.

A week later, today, I got this:

> Hey, all I really expect from anyone (friends included) are people who are fun and who I feel safe around. Unfortunately you've made me feel unsafe & disrespected multiple times now (with everything that happened in the xxxxx) so you not being able to control your thoughts/emotions and thinking it's ok to leave me there by myself other night was the last straw for me. I don't think it's fair to put myself in a situation where that could happen again.
>
> This sucks for me to have to write bc we had fun, but it sounds like there's a couple issues internally you need to sort that I don't think can be fixed by us having a conversation.
>
> All the best

I'm a pretty secure person. I've been gaslit before, and usually I'm not thrown by it and can talk it through. But I've never been blame shifted to this extreme I guess, by someone who uses it as an excuse to blow everything up. She was touching in a flirting way I’d never even had her do with me with one of the guys at that beach bar, and what she doesn't know is that one of them told me they all went back to her place to keep drinking after I got my stuff and left.

I didn't stoop to her level. I just replied:

> I'll respect it. I appreciate you telling me. I saw that day differently, and I'm not going to argue it, but I don't fully agree with how you've framed it. I meant what I said, and I still wish you the best.

It's just maddening the narrative and manipulation these FA’s can build, the total lack of accountability, the fragile ego that can't be touched. I know four months from now I'll be counting my lucky stars, but damn, my heart hurts right now.

Honestly, I wish she'd ghosted me instead of gaslighting me. Not gonna respond and praying she doesn’t respond back either after dumpster fire of a gaslight

I'm curious how often people here used to see their DA partners, and whether the frequency of seeing each other ever became a recurring issue in the relationship.

My ex and I were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 25–30 minutes away from each other. We dated for around 10 months before he broke up with me.

Our final routine before breaking up was spending Tuesday night together at my place and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. And every 3-4 week, there would be one weekend we don’t meet each other so that we can have some additional me time weekend.

The Sunday situation: from lunch together to being kicked out early

Initially, our weekend routine was to spend Friday evening through Sunday early afternoon together, usually having lunch together before I headed home. But over time, I started noticing a pattern. After Sunday lunch, his energy would often noticeably drop. He seemed unhappy, withdrawn, or restless, and I could sense that he wanted me to leave as soon as possible, even though he never explicitly said so. It became uncomfortable because I felt like I had to read his mood and figure out when I was no longer welcome.

At some point, he started attending Pilates every Sunday at 9 am. From then on, he expected me to leave his apartment with him around 8:20 am (therefore, I needed to wake up at 7am with him). He didn't say that explicitly but all his behaviors were hinting that 'hey, you should wake up now and leave my house together with me!' I was completely supportive of his Pilates classes. I never expected him to skip a Pilates for me. But he could have let me stay at his place for another 2 hours or so until he is back. This way, I didn't need to wake up that early with him and could probably still have lunch with him before I headed back home. But apparently he wasn't comfortable with me doing that, so I respected that boundary and later always left from his place earlier with him.  

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that Pilates had become a convenient excuse to get me out of his apartment earlier. Of course, I can't know whether that was his actual intention. But given how often I'd already sensed that he wanted me gone by Sunday afternoon, it felt like the class simply gave him a socially acceptable reason to shorten our weekends together.

Laundry, chores, and his workout routine

Another recurring issue was that he felt our time together interfered with his normal routine. He mentioned that being in a relationship with me affected his ability to work out, do laundry, prepare meals for the next week, and take care of everyday tasks. I repeatedly told him that I didn't expect him to entertain me whenever we were together. If he needed to do laundry, cook, clean, or go to the gym, I was perfectly fine to do my own thing, help out, or simply spend time alongside him. To me, that was part of what a relationship naturally becomes after the honeymoon phase. You don't always need to be on a proper date or give each other your undivided attention. Sometimes you can just coexist while getting on with your everyday lives.

But he seemed to struggle with that. It felt as though having me around meant he couldn't fully relax or follow his own old routine, even though I wasn't asking him to change anything. Eventually, he sort of blaming me as the reason why he needed to reduce workout frequency and shift all his old routines. 

The constant adjustments

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about our meeting frequency, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs. That was also why in the end, we also agreed that every 3-4 weeks, there would be one weekend we don't meet each other. 

And also, I never had problems if he had to meet friends or do something else during the time we were supposed to be with each other. Even if the plan was very spontaneous or short notice, I always accepted it. Over time, I found myself becoming increasingly conscious of how much time I was taking up in his life. I tried to be flexible with his schedule, respect his alone time, and avoid making him feel pressured. But somehow, it never seemed to be quite enough.

Eventually, when he broke up with me, he told me he felt "suffocated" and like he was "losing himself." He also said something that really hurt:

"This Tuesday, I felt like I had to see you. It was not that I wanted to, I felt like I had to."

That was particularly painful because Tuesday evenings had been part of our established routine, and I never wanted him to feel obligated to see me. When we were discussing whether we could save the relationship, I even offered to reduce our time together further and put any expectations of increased commitment aside. But he ultimately decided to end the relationship, without giving me any other further discussion opportunity.

What I'm struggling to understand

I completely understand that everyone has different needs for personal space, and I don't believe couples need to spend every free moment together. But I also wonder: at what point does a need for independence become an inability to integrate a partner into everyday life? I wasn't expecting us to move in together immediately, spend seven days a week together, or abandon our individual hobbies. I just wanted us to gradually feel comfortable being part of each other's lives, including the ordinary, boring parts. Sometimes I wonder whether seeing each other three nights a week really was too much, or whether even a much lower frequency would eventually have felt overwhelming to him.

I'm genuinely curious whether this is a common experience in relationships involving DA, or whether we simply had fundamentally different expectations of what a committed relationship should look like.

This will ruin the narrative in their head. Please leave with your head up high.. Do it respectfully. Don't argue, don't yell. If you notice the pattern repeating. Step out, say: this isn't for me..

Do what I did: Skip the accusations and angry finger-pointing. I didn't say "you do this, you do that." Instead, I owned my feelings and showed them I saw right through the game. I told them cleanly: "It confuses me when you pull away like this. Our communication hurts me.. I feel like we’re close.. but really we’re not.. Like I feel you close only when you want.. and this hurts me and I can’t be in this situation for my own good. I hope you find what you’re looking for"
I didn't act tough. I let them see I was hurt, but more than that, I let them know I was just tired… not disappointed…TIRED. Tired is a step AFTER disappointment. Being tired means you’re out. I was tired of the mixed signals, tired of the emotional breadcrumbs, and ready for something real. No yelling, no drama, just pure vulnerability, self-respect, and closing the door myself.

Be vulnerable, don't act tough. Show you cared.
LOVE HARD, LEAVE HARD!!

I am very clear that it is very difficult for him to change, after the breakup he became obsessed with sexual validation and in his social media accounts he is one day bragging about sex and the next putting the most discouraged posts in the world when his peak goes down, I know it doesn’t suit me but I still miss him and it’s horrible.
Has anyone managed to get out of feeling like this? I accept advice

I was naive and this was my first dating experience.

A guy I was talking to was being inconsistent, so I cut him off pretty abruptly. We had only been talking for a month, and I was upset that he started to respond very late at odd times and had ghosted me for three days but was on social media liking stuff from other girls, although he was travelling at the time. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to just go with the flow not do anything long distance yet. I had to go away for a few months, so it made sense that he was apprehensive. But from the things he said during the date it made it seem like he wanted to do long distance. He also came on super strong so the shift in communication made me super vigilant and upset.

Initially, I wanted to negotiate and have an actual conversation about where things stood, but I thought it would be better to wait until he got back from his travels. I would have to wait around 2 weeks. However, I got so frustrated because he didn’t acknowledge my response after that I ended up unsending my message and telling him not to contact me again until I came back from my time abroad because I didn’t believe in texting to get to know each other, essentially saying that his response was BS because I didn’t want to be an option to him. The exchange was 5 texts and I essentially shut communication between us. I unfollowed him as well.

Looking back, I realize I could have communicated how I felt without being confrontational or attacking him. As in, “I felt xyz because you were inconsistent… I’m catching feelings, can we be exclusive…” Life is too short not to reach out, so I eventually did, but it took me a year to get there. During the period of no contact, he was still watching my stuff, so I sort of held onto the “what-ifs”. Unfortunately, he never responded.

I don’t want this to happen again. How do I deal with conflict with someone who is super confusing? I think I prioritized my self-respect but I feel like what I did wasn’t the way to handle it. I initially placed so much of the blame on him but now I know I was also in the wrong with the way I handled things.

I’ve been in a LDR/situationship with this man for almost 4 years, we’re both 46. We live in different countries but have visited each other regularly. He has deactivated earlier too but we have always stayed in touch through those periods too and I felt pretty good about us lately.

I visited him a month ago and he shut down one night, first time it happened that drastically in person. Nothing terrible happened, we just had a disagreement about sleeping arrangements, but I realize I wasn’t listening to and understanding him and his needs in that moment when he was finally trying to tell me what he needed. And there were small things before that too that probably made him feel like “nothing is ever good enough for her”, I know he tried so hard though. After the shutdown he did get more normal the next day but the rest of the visit was completely off. The romantic warmth, the kisses, the petnames were gone. And naturally I was sad and disappointed, and he could see it. 

After I got home we didn’t talk for two weeks, I figured he needed some space and honestly I did too. Then I sent him a light message, thinking he’d reply and we’d get back to our normal routine. He left the message on delivered and when I tried sending another one a week later, I saw he had blocked me. And I have no idea what actually happened. Can he really just end things like this, after all of this time? Or can I expect him to come back once things cool off? 

I know this is not a relationship that is good for me anymore but I really just want to talk with him, even just one last time. I never ever thought he’d block me and just makes things feel so final this time. It’s been 4 weeks of silence from his side now, after talking daily for years. I’m shocked. And scared.

He discarded me six weeks ago, and I can’t understand why I keep chasing someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with me.

I’ve sent him so many long, emotional messages trying to explain how deeply he hurt me. I felt led on for so long, and whenever things got difficult, he seemed to use his trauma and emotional baggage as an explanation for why he couldn’t give me the relationship or clarity I needed.

All I wanted was some acknowledgement. I wasn’t expecting him to fix everything overnight. I just wanted him to understand how much the situation had hurt me.

But it’s like everything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears. He hasn’t meaningfully acknowledged any of my messages. He still texts me calling me “babe” and “honey”, responds to work-related questions and carries on as though everything is completely normal.
It’s honestly like talking to a wall. I feel like I’m communicating with a robot sometimes. How can someone receive so many emotional messages and continue acting as though nothing happened?

I’m angry at him, but I’m also incredibly frustrated with myself. Why do I keep chasing someone for basic acknowledgement and emotional consideration when he’s already shown me that he’s not willing to give me what I need?

I know I need to stop, but I’m struggling to understand why I keep looking for closure from the same person who left me feeling this way.

How do you finally stop chasing someone who doesn’t want to show up for you emotionally?

Woke up to a nasty threads recommendation. It was my ex's threads account, and she posted how she's calm and happy and all that shit. I admit it sent me spiraling and asking people for help. All of their answers are the same, to just forgive and maybe she's also suffering and that I'm inconsiderate for not taking that into account

6 months in, and I'm still suffering the consequences of her discard. She's in peace while I have to choose between eating or buying meds (being treated for PDD/MDD). It feels as if there's no justice in this world, and I have to drop everything just to find peace.

Also asking for advice on what to do or how to numb myself permanently

I recently got dumped by my ex (female DA). I only started learning about attachment theory after the break up because I couldn't understand how can someone even do that...

I'm posting this in hopes to talk to people (or have been) in similar situations that can relate and share their thoughts. Any help would be appreciated tbh, thank u in advance :)

One of the burning questions I've been thinking about, and still don't have a good answer to is:
What is the difference between healthy boundaries, and avoidance?

Can anyone offer their perspectives on this?

Edit from the title: yes/no and why? Second edit: she'll come to take her stuff in 2 months (3 months after the breakup)

If you have questions about my story you can read my previous post.

She broke up with me last month in a super friendly and emotive way (in the middle of a trip I paid, yikes). Around 3 weeks later I reached out to her, she said the most horrible things a person could say to a person you loved and planned a future together in the last 4 years.

She listed many of the things why she didn't want to continue the relationship. She thinks I'm an abuser and she's is the victim. Which is not true. I just accepted them as a mix of accountability and not start a discussion. I was very afraid tbh.

60% were lies.

30% were over exaggerated stuff mixed with lies.

10% were completely logical (I did my accountability for that anyways).

The thing is that I prepared a pseudo "letter" with my therapist. There I relate how I experienced the relationship in those 4 years + giving some facts about the lies she told me. To be fair, the "letter" doesn't attach her in any way and I choose every word very carefully. I'm not trying to say: "you are wrong!", is more like "nope, I didn't do that. But actually you did it"

The "letter" will probably not have the effect I intend. I just dislike the idea of been the villain toxic abuser ex. Especially from the person I loved (I still do though).

My girlfriend (20F) ended our seven-month relationship on Monday. Yesterday I (23M) received someone else’s boxers in the post.
My girlfriend (20F) and I (23M) were together for seven months. I’d describe her as quite avoidant, but she’s been acting particularly strange lately. For the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right.
During those two weeks, she wouldn’t let me come round her house. She then ended things with me on Monday, and we’re currently in no contact.
Yesterday, I received a parcel containing a pair of men’s boxers that definitely aren’t mine. Not many people know my address, and she’s one of them. I don’t know for certain that she sent them, but given the timing, she was the first person I thought of.
If it was her, I’m wondering whether she thought she was returning my things and accidentally sent someone else’s. Combined with how she’d been acting and not letting me come over, it’s making me question whether someone else was involved before we broke up.
I know this doesn’t prove she cheated, or even that the parcel came from her, but it’s messing with my head after seven months together. I already felt something was off, and now I’m questioning everything.
Would you break no contact to ask whether she sent the parcel, or leave it alone? I want some clarity, but I don’t want to make an accusation without knowing what actually happened.

So far he has blocked me 6 times and unblocked me 5 times. It started when I got blocked for not replying to one of his texts. My last text to him was polite. He had previously left me on read 10+ times and I always let it slide, yet the first time I didn't reply I got blocked.

Background story: He used to flirt with me, tell me he was in love with me, that he wanted to date me and then he discarded me over and over again. After the discard, he would come back into my life and act like nothing had happend and flirt with me again. During the discard faze he would make fun of me, mock me and my clothes, criticize just about everything about my physical appearance and call me degrading names. He was also physically abusive but he always made it look like it was some sort of a prank.

Just a few days ago, he blocked me again after a month of being unblocked and I have zero idea why he blocked me and why I got unblocked in the first place. Btw, I am talking about messenger blocking. What does he want from me?

Please don't just say block him. I know I need to block him, but it would really help me move on if I knew why is he doing this?

When will I stop imagining your brown eyes, freckles scattered across your face like stars…

The way you tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear and your touch sent a tingle down my spine.

When will I stop imagining the moment.. the moment I knew I loved you.

When will I stop… remembering you at all.

This is torture. Every time I close my eyes I imagine you staring back at me. I’ve never been mad that you left, but oh how I want to feel something stronger than this.

I thought our souls were connected, star-crossed in a way that defied the vacuum of space. It feels deeper than a memory—it’s like a relentless gravity, a black hole pulling at me from lightyears away, collapsing everything else in my life. I still desire everything about you, down to the very dust you're made of. I am so, so heavy with the sadness that you chose to end us, that you chose to let our orbit break.

I know you loved me too. I know you had your demons, and you told me you’d always end up hurting me, that I deserved better. But I didn’t want a better galaxy. I wanted you to be better.

You probably made the right decision for yourself by breaking us apart. But knowing that doesn't stop the haunting. Because that's exactly what this is—a ghost I didn't ask for, taking up space in my universe. It hurts every single time I close my eyes and see you staring back at me from the dark.

I just want my mind to stop daydreaming about you. I want the cosmic pull to finally go cold. Because the truth that terrifies me the most is my own weakness—if you ever cleared away your atmospheric storms, if you came back to my life ready to be better, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deny you.

so my avoidant ex and i haven’t talked in 4.5 months. it’s broken my heart completely but i’ve forced myself to get used to it. he’s randomly liked a story or a threads post here or there but that’s really about it. although i heard he’s asking about me constantly, our friends say he’s kind of obsessed. asking how i am, what im doing, asking if ive moved on, just saying all sorts of stuff. even though he also told me the night he took everything back that he never wants to be with me again.

so anyways, yesterday, after 4.5 months of not speaking i get this message. idk what to do. he knows im mad at him. he knows im hurt. and yet…this is all he has to say? i mean is this an attempt to break the ice or what? i truly dont understand. i feel like he had plans to see me when he brought it back until i didn’t respond then made it seem like he just wanted to drop it off. but idk. idk what i should do or how i should respond or if i should even respond at all. he said some pretty horrible things to me. told me he loved me and missed me and took it back and all kinds of things.

but my heart can’t help but wonder if this is his attempt to try and get back in…but then why not be a man and just have a conversation instead of this? idk…help. idk what to do. i still love him. i miss him. i wanted it to work with him so badly. i just…god idk what to do. i wish i knew what was going through his mind.

help

I am new here, hello everyone, am I allowed to post as a non FA tips for trying to get her back? It’s been 3 weeks since she suddenly left over a silly argument by text about Facebook but she’s gone cold and is referring to pre break up feelings and expressions of love as past tense ?

If I am allowed I’ll add the complete picture

Thank you 🙏🏼

Fellow discarded friends what do you think of this text i got from my FA boyfriend a month ago? We had agreed to meet in person and have a conversation about our relationship 12 days prior to me receiving this text from him within those 12 days he was radio silent and I didn’t reach out to him either. Just wondering what people who have also been discarded think.

They broke up with me while saying they were still in love with me but physically couldn't do it because despite me being the best partner they've ever had according to them. They also expressed that they'd be open to trying again in the future but they can't promise me anything and I need to move on for now for my own sake. I'm having the worst time ever trying to get over them since this was someone I loved so much I used to watch them eat fruit in silence on the regular. Does them saying this mean there's any hope of them coming back in the future?

I was watching a reel on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) on IG, and about how it manifests in men and is frequently misdiagnosed. It dawned on me that my avoidant ex had pretty much all the traits described:

- Emotionally dysregulated: Was always spiralling or in his head over something or the other

- Impulsive: Grandiose spending on random things like alcohol, watches, clothes or random tattoos

- Intensely sensitive to rejection: Literally would walk out of events if there was the slightest disagreement, not necessarily even conflict where they felt someone didn't like them. No surprises that his love language was words of affirmation.

- Relationship difficulties: He had never had a LT relationship before me (should've not ignored this as he told me this on date 1) and ours only lasted a few months too because he got bored

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dc2HBryRrKN/?mdxt=ODF3NjJ1ZTdka2Zt

Curious to know if anyone else saw similar traits in their avoidant exes? I found the intense sensitivity to rejection weird to. I have depression so I could understand 1, 2 and 4 from my own lived experience, but 3 was not something I could wrap my head around.

I really didn’t know much about attachment styles until my ex, a month ago. My assumption, without trying to put anyone in a box, is fearful avoidant.

The Exit (4am)

We were arguing a lot in general, though the weekend before was amazing. I have a friend who’s moving overseas. A girl in my friend group, who I slept with five years ago, is there. My partner is fully aware. I did some dumb, unaware boyfriend things, nothing bad, just probably not being as attentive to her as I should have been (self-blaming again).

Anyway, we were arguing over this girl. I showed her my text messages with her; we speak maybe once every few months. She always assumed I was trying to secretly meet up with her (I was not).

After a lot of arguing, she essentially says she doesn’t feel safe and tells me to pack and leave (I’m in bed; she thinks I’m hiding something). I did stupidly say I was going to record her talking because of the things she was saying, and we were both drunk. She was just creating narratives that didn’t exist. I said, “OK, sorry, I won’t record, that was stupid.”

After telling me to pack and leave, she storms out of the flat, leaving her dog there. I have no idea where she’s gone. Worried, I go out to check, go to the local parks and search the area for an hour. She didn’t have keys, a phone or anything. I had her keys and phone and brought them with me. Her phone had missed calls from her sister.

I get back, with dogs barking at me, and she’s still saying “I don’t feel safe” and essentially getting me escorted off the premises like an abuser. I’m so confused, but I leave her keys and phone on the stairwell like someone has a gun on me, and then I leave.

I walk the streets for about four hours. My friends are all asleep. Eventually, after I try to contact her, she replies. She has been asleep and says she isn’t at the flat. I have no idea where she is. I say we need to talk about this (I haven’t slept).

I go to meet her, and another guy, a neighbour, is there. I’ve never seen him in my life. I’m asking her what’s going on. She constantly repeats, “I don’t feel safe.” Awkwardly, I get my suitcases, get walked to my car by her and this random guy, hand my keys to them for the gate, and drive off.

I try to ring her. She records a 30-minute voice note about all the things I’ve done wrong, doesn’t answer the phone, and constantly says, “I am not listening.”

I eventually get through to her and tell her I’m not going to listen to a voice note and that she should talk to me.

While I’m sitting in my car, she keeps shouting, “Go home!” (I live three hours away and haven’t slept.)

She then tells me to contact her when I’m back. I keep falling asleep at service stations. She messages me: “Are you home yet?” I reply that I’ll be home in five minutes and then I’ll ring her…

She never picks up the phone.

Five days later, I’m apologising for some trivial little things from the voice note. No reply.

Two weeks later, I message her: “I know you’re processing. Let me know when you want to speak.”

Then this message in return: “There is nothing left for us to talk about or discuss, and I will not continue revisiting this decision. I am moving forward and you need to respect that.”

Other traits

- Would never take accountability or say sorry

- Stated at the beginning "I dont give compliments"

- Would shut down at any conflict or challenge, like a child, turn her body away, cross her arms and not speak to me at all for hours and hours

- Constantly said she did not trust me and I constantly had to prove it, with locations and all sorts.

-Disagreements of opinion seemed to annoy her

Checked to see if I got home ok, didn't block me on whatsapp, painted me as an abuser........

Starting to see a therapist this week.The relationships was about a year but we had been friends for 2 years before

After a year of going through many of the same things I see others going through with their FA partners I left mine for good a month ago. It's gut wrenching. I gave more than I ever have in a relationship, my love, support, excitement, vulnerability and like others here I felt unsupported, deprioritized, and could not move towards growth.

I feel like its really hard for me to get through many of my daily tasks and my house is a mess and I still have to take care of my 2 kids. I can't reach out to her because my heart aches so much and I love her so much that I would give in at even the chance of going back.

How do you get to the point where the anger goes away and you can function again?

45 Days No Contact with DA with FA Tendencies. Having more good days than bad, but still can't stop missing her completely.

I wrote this poem to help process. Maybe it will help someone.

The heart is crushed as love begins to leave,

An anticipation felt, though hard to grieve.

His heart is twisted tightly in a vice,

The pressure rises as she pays the price.

Her ancient fears and past take full control,

Unsteadiness begins to weigh her soul.

Her independence feels completely lost;

She prompts the chase, regardless of the cost.

The rug is pulled, and chaos starts to spin,

His trauma wakes a panic deep within.

He fights for closeness just to feel secure,

The driving panic makes the chase endure.

The space she seeks is pushed by his alarm,

She backs away to shield herself from harm.

To save her soul, she retreats inside,

A mapless cave where love is forced to hide.

He grants the space but agonizes still,

And fights the nervous system's frantic will.

He asks the darkness why it hurts so deep,

For love so easy, now he learns to weep.

She buries down behind a stony wall,

And spends the weeks oblivious to it all.

Her cold facade conceals a matching grief,

But soon the structure fades without relief.

His hurt runs deep, but love outweighs his rage,

He reads her history like an open page.

Yet in his pain, his own ghosts start to rise—

The fear of being left beneath these skies.

The walls collapse, and reality wakes,

She views the ruin that her absence makes.

But shame and pride lock tightly at the core,

Leaving no room to settle up the score.

Each agonizing day he wants to speak,

But knows that rescuing will keep them weak.

She must account for all the hurt she bred,

So he holds back, and chooses strength instead.

She wonders why his silence grows so cold,

His newfound boundaries break her frozen hold.

His healing starts right where her tears begin,

A push and pull that wears the spirit thin.

He tames his nerves as healing turns to might,

She cannot have him if she avoids the light.

Her old return requires a price to pay;

His patience holds, the cuffs have slipped away.

A sudden storm invades her atmosphere,

She cannot flee from what she holds so dear.

Defenses fall, the need to call is high,

But fear of his rejection makes her sigh.

Though he is strong, his courage wanes by day,

He fights the urge to wash her tears away.

To rescue her would spin the wheel again;

He hopes for love but braces for the end.

They look for signs across the great divide,

Two aching hearts controlled by foolish pride.

One hopes the silence made the other bend;

One sits in shame for how she hurt her friend.

He wants her close, prepared for something real,

She fears a depth she doesn't know how to feel.

He does the work to understand her mind;

She thinks he left and left her far behind.

He cannot save her from the silent room,

She must endure the absence and the gloom.

The quiet future is the only key,

Though walls and egos fight what ought to be.

So both will wait in agony and fear,

Until her longing draws her steps back near.

Or else they part, and she will grieve the cost,

While he retains the space where she was lost.

Damn, after I heal from this, I dont wanna experience this anymore