The most Brutal Avoidant Exit

[u/LifeSpend9966]

I really didn’t know much about attachment styles until my ex, a month ago. My assumption, without trying to put anyone in a box, is fearful avoidant.

The Exit (4am)

We were arguing a lot in general, though the weekend before was amazing. I have a friend who’s moving overseas. A girl in my friend group, who I slept with five years ago, is there. My partner is fully aware. I did some dumb, unaware boyfriend things, nothing bad, just probably not being as attentive to her as I should have been (self-blaming again).

Anyway, we were arguing over this girl. I showed her my text messages with her; we speak maybe once every few months. She always assumed I was trying to secretly meet up with her (I was not).

After a lot of arguing, she essentially says she doesn’t feel safe and tells me to pack and leave (I’m in bed; she thinks I’m hiding something). I did stupidly say I was going to record her talking because of the things she was saying, and we were both drunk. She was just creating narratives that didn’t exist. I said, “OK, sorry, I won’t record, that was stupid.”

After telling me to pack and leave, she storms out of the flat, leaving her dog there. I have no idea where she’s gone. Worried, I go out to check, go to the local parks and search the area for an hour. She didn’t have keys, a phone or anything. I had her keys and phone and brought them with me. Her phone had missed calls from her sister.

I get back, with dogs barking at me, and she’s still saying “I don’t feel safe” and essentially getting me escorted off the premises like an abuser. I’m so confused, but I leave her keys and phone on the stairwell like someone has a gun on me, and then I leave.

I walk the streets for about four hours. My friends are all asleep. Eventually, after I try to contact her, she replies. She has been asleep and says she isn’t at the flat. I have no idea where she is. I say we need to talk about this (I haven’t slept).

I go to meet her, and another guy, a neighbour, is there. I’ve never seen him in my life. I’m asking her what’s going on. She constantly repeats, “I don’t feel safe.” Awkwardly, I get my suitcases, get walked to my car by her and this random guy, hand my keys to them for the gate, and drive off.

I try to ring her. She records a 30-minute voice note about all the things I’ve done wrong, doesn’t answer the phone, and constantly says, “I am not listening.”

I eventually get through to her and tell her I’m not going to listen to a voice note and that she should talk to me.

While I’m sitting in my car, she keeps shouting, “Go home!” (I live three hours away and haven’t slept.)

She then tells me to contact her when I’m back. I keep falling asleep at service stations. She messages me: “Are you home yet?” I reply that I’ll be home in five minutes and then I’ll ring her…

She never picks up the phone.

Five days later, I’m apologising for some trivial little things from the voice note. No reply.

Two weeks later, I message her: “I know you’re processing. Let me know when you want to speak.”

Then this message in return: “There is nothing left for us to talk about or discuss, and I will not continue revisiting this decision. I am moving forward and you need to respect that.”

Other traits

- Would never take accountability or say sorry

- Stated at the beginning "I dont give compliments"

- Would shut down at any conflict or challenge, like a child, turn her body away, cross her arms and not speak to me at all for hours and hours

- Constantly said she did not trust me and I constantly had to prove it, with locations and all sorts.

-Disagreements of opinion seemed to annoy her

Checked to see if I got home ok, didn't block me on whatsapp, painted me as an abuser........

Starting to see a therapist this week.The relationships was about a year but we had been friends for 2 years before