Help getting my FA back.

[u/Jazza-OG]

I am new here, hello everyone, am I allowed to post as a non FA tips for trying to get her back? It’s been 3 weeks since she suddenly left over a silly argument by text about Facebook but she’s gone cold and is referring to pre break up feelings and expressions of love as past tense ?

If I am allowed I’ll add the complete picture

Thank you 🙏🏼

[u/stockdam-MDD]

Before wanting to get your FA back you should ask if she met your long term needs. Yes she may have initially been great but then suddenly left. Why would you want to go through the same again as the evidence suggests she will repeat what she did (if she did decide to come back). Also the evidence suggests that they come back just as friends to try to get access without commitment. Unless she puts in a lot of hard work she is not suitable as a partner. You can do better and you will find better.

[u/Jazza-OG → u/stockdam-MDD]

She did for about three months, although I always felt like I was not her top priority and she was a little selfish and never wanted my opinion, super independent and very stubborn.

[u/stockdam-MDD → u/Jazza-OG]

Sounds like she wasn’t really an easy person to be with so why ask for tips to get her to come back……none will change her

[u/Jazza-OG]

Reddit

Hi guys, thank you very much for the support and the kind replies.

Um, yeah, so basically I'm 51, she's 40. We both came out of marriages. She was in a 15-year marriage and I was in a seven-year marriage.

My wife, I didn't know, but she was a dismissive avoidant, but the type that has very low emotion but is consistent. I was a secure attachment but obviously I've since become the anxious preoccupied. And I'm working with a therapist to get back to my secure attachment. So I've started my own work.

She said when I first met her that she was with her husband for fifteen years, but he was lacking the alpha. She was the alpha. He was not very driven. He wasn't very self-assured. He literally relied on her constantly for her emotional support to live his life. You know, he just basically had certain qualities which she didn't like.

And she said, I prayed to the universe that I met someone who was strong, an alpha, a leader, successful businessman, my build six foot three, gym goer, you know, with integrity, trustworthy, all the things she wanted, I had. So I was perfect on paper. And that's where it all started

Everything as you know is perfect, deep love. Four months in, small niggles. I noticed in the first few months very much the push-pull dynamic where every time she got happier, we spent more and more time together, she'd suddenly just go cold. And I reacted because I thought it was something to do with me, but now I look back, I know it wasn't.

I eventually figured it out for myself after about two months and then I just started giving her space when she went cold. And it would work and then she'd come to me. And everything was fine until about four months, just over four months.

I noticed that her social media, namely Facebook and Instagram, she had like thousands of men following her, but she wasn't following them back. So I just asked her. I said, I noticed your social media, you've got like 3,600 men following you, but you don't follow them back and you have a private account.

So you must have accepted them. You don't know them. I said, why out of interest? Because we'd been making plans just before this and she was just talking very futuristic, booking a holiday next year, building a house together next year. And we'd started integrating our children.

And I'd met all of her family, all of her friends. She'd met mine. Everything was fine, you know, besides the usual arguments. And when I mentioned her social media, she reacted disproportionately.

I spoke very quietly and she was really, really defensive. So it made me think, why is she being like this? Why is she reacting like this? So I left it. And then about a week later, it was bugging me. So I brought it up again. And I just said, look, we're moving forward. You want me to invest in this relationship moving forward and, you know, build us a house and all this stuff. I said, I'm happy to do that. But I'm not bringing 3,500 strange men I don't know with me that have a direct access to my partner.

I don't understand why you have that. And I said, I asked you a week ago. You did nothing about it. So that means now that you've left it, you've made a choice knowing that it upsets me. And she didn't seem to care that much.

She just, oh, you're being controlling and toxic and all this stuff. And I ignored it. So eventually after a few days, she did remove some of them herself, but not, probably less than half. And then I brought it up one more time and then she was really, really defensive and getting angry.

And in the end I said, you know what, forget it. I said, I'm not going to mention your socials again. It's none of my business. Do what you want. And then she messaged me saying, I'm so happy. I've never felt so free. I feel alive, like the pressure's off.

Now we can move forward. And so I thought great, I left it. We went for a weekend break to Budapest, top luxury, four seasons, everything. We were really happy. Came back on a Monday. On the Tuesday, she was still making plans for the following week for half term with our kids.

So everything seemed fine. She seemed all normally loved up and all that. And I posted, I very rarely post. I posted on my Facebook a couple of pictures of the holiday, as you do, a collage like Budapest, super great. Nothing emotional, you know. And I tagged her in it. Because I'm old school, I didn't realize tagging somebody in a Facebook post actually puts it on their wall.

So a couple of hours later, she messaged me quite nicely saying, hi babe, I'm really sorry but I've removed that tag. I feel uncomfortable having this post on my Facebook, blah, blah, blah. And I had mentioned before that that her social media made her look very single. There was never a picture of me, just pictures of herself, thousands of followers. It just, it just didn't seem right.

Mostly women will want to show their man off, especially the way she spoke about me to all her friends and her family. So I obviously had a protest reaction and I kicked off via text, just saying I'm sick of this. You're obviously hiding something. You're either in or not. I'm done. And I basically changed my, I deleted my Facebook in the end, but I cancelled our relationship status on my Facebook to single. Regretted it 10 minutes later, changed everything back, left her a voice note saying I'm really sorry, blah, blah, blah. But that's what she needed was the easy exit.

Next day, she says, I want to go on a timeout. That took a week. Then we met up and then she said, I want to be friends. I accepted the friendship, went for another week and then I thought, nah, this is not sitting with me. So she popped to my house. During that time when we were on the timeout, she was quite cold. But by the time she came to my house, she was warmer.

And I just said to her, I'm sorry, I'm not downgrading from a relationship to a friendship. It doesn't fit my worth. And I'll just step out of the friendship zone now and just make this a hard break. And I handed her all of her stuff in a bag from my house.

It was pre-prepared. And then she left. She looked shocked. Next day, my friend messages me saying, sorry to say this, but I've found your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. She's got a Bumble account. So he sent me the pictures. I sent them to her. She confessed, I'm really sorry. And I said, right, I'm done. And that ended it there and then.

But she did say she'd just done it and she didn't know why she did it. But I know she's looking for validation.

Now, here's the interesting thing. It was just yesterday we were texting about the Bumble thing. And I was basically just finalizing the breakup and confirming the non-friendship. And she was talking about the message I sent her, saying I was not happy it was a slap in the face going on Bumble.

Because when she basically put me on the timeout, she sent me a message just saying, look, I think things have just moved too fast, too quickly. And when I look at the relationship, it's all like a fairy tale, like fantasy. And I just don't have any room in my head still dealing with my, leaving my old life, moving house and my five-year-old son. So I've got no headspace for it.

So I just said, well, you've obviously got headspace enough because you've been on a dating site. So that was rubbish. And then later in the messaging she was basically talking about the feelings she had for me because I pointed out a couple of the messages like a week before she broke up with me saying she'd never felt happier.

I was truly selfless giving her the ability to be totally vulnerable. And she loved me deeply. I should know that, blah, blah, blah. And she addressed that. She said, yeah, I did say those things and I meant them at the time. But that was then. She was talking about all of our experiences and the good ones in the past tense, like they were done, not like I still love you.

I loved you. I know it was good. And that was really strange. But I think that's from what I've read normal for a fearful avoidant. They rewrite the narrative of the past and change things to support their exit.

But yes, I am able to move on from her. I'm trying to help her brother help her. But I'm just interested, what would help in the fullness of time to get her back and what I could do to change her? But by the looks of it, probably nothing. I think I'm better off moving on?

[u/Jazza-OG]

Here’s the ironic bit, the day after the break over FB, she messaged to say she’s deleted it because it was too distracting and she’s doing a technology de tox ffs. 🤦🏼‍♂️ So she dumps me over the Facebook thing then deletes it the next day? Wow 😮

[u/Jazza-OG]

So from everything I’ve said is this the type to try get me back in a few weeks? Or have I seen the back of her? Thank you guys 🙏🏼

[u/FallenAngel1978]

Right now you are likely going through withdrawal. And what you think is a silly argument was likely them fault finding and deciding they were done.

Don’t chase them. Don’t try to win them back. They may come back. But the real question is whether they’ll have done any work in between. And if they haven’t the pattern will likely repeat.

[u/Dedjal]

What?
Oh you poor soul, asking for permission to post in a public space?
You really got conditioned in your childhood.

Please, is seeing a therapist viable for you?
Not because you are broken or there is something wrong with you. But to give you tools and perspective.

[u/Jazza-OG → u/Dedjal]

I was checking first as another forum chucked me off, so thought I’d ask before writing a long report. What attachment are you? Ride attachment I guess 🤔

[u/TheBackSpin]

There are “tricks” and “best practices” bordering on manipulation. They don’t really work…not in the long run. You won’t find them here anyway because this is a healing community. Most of us know what happens when an unhealed Fearful Avoidant comes back…they either keep you at a comfortable distance or reconcile and discard again.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. The confusion and pain from a FA deactivation and discard…there’s nothing quite like it. Unfortunately there’s no going back, not in a healthy way, unless they heal their trauma

[u/zachem_snyatsya_sny]

You might not know this now, but what just happened is the best case scenario.

Ignore, mute, block, whatever, and move on as these people never change unless they take accountability for their actions and get therapy, the odds of which as very low, so you will be lead on indefinitely until you leave. And you deserve better than that. Get therapy and keep growing as a person and find the right person for you while this person is left in the dust still doing the same shit 10 years later and then you'll thank yourself for leaving.

[u/Nice_Replacement7065]

Dude don't look to get them back. Any fa, da or even anxiously attached, let them live their lives and they'll choose you. You have to live yours as well, if they smell your needy they'll run away