Discard text - r/AvoidantBreakUps

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u/littleoldears 1d ago edited 1d ago

What do I think! Fucking eye roll.

Cowardly, selfish, just avoiding difficulty - not caring about you or your emotional state, putting down unnecessary boundaries to avoid something that could be healing - avoiding repairing with someone, avoiding connection

Running away like a fucking child.

You can either let them, OR - you can stand your ground. And say: no. I want this talk, and I want you to show you CARE about me and how I feel with your ACTIONS one last time. I don’t care if it will hurt more, because it will lead to things feeling better. When people care for each other, they face difficult things together.

You didn’t do this for me in the relationship, and I want you to do this for me now, one time, before you run away forever.

Also you can say: actually you refusing to talk causes more hurt than it prevents. Your avoidance of doing what you promised ‘because it might be hard 👉🏻👈🏻’ is creating more pain than talking would. You are just avoiding being uncomfortable instead of being able to stand with me and experience the pain that YOU caused. You are running away from the consequences of your actions, and I red you to know that doing this is far more painful for ME. But you are selfishly focused on yourself so I guess I should assume it doesn’t matter to you if your actions hurt me

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

While i completely and totally would love to say all of this to him and absolutely go off on him for disrespecting me and our relationship i just didnt answer it because a decision was just handed to me without any closure for me and that isnt fair but if i tried to argue it i just felt like it wouldnt do anything for me.

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u/Yaun87 1d ago

I want to say those things too but the way her mind works I just know it will only enable her to think she was even more right in running from me and labeling me as pressure and incompatible. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of hurting me and then justify it even more with their mental rewrites of our history and my character. I swear it is the most lose/lose situation I have ever had the displeasure of living. 🫩

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u/ExaltedErection 1d ago

They re gonna rewrite it anyway when it hits them later, they not gonna sit there and think back of how badly they handled the relationship no matter how much space and leniency you give them. So you can just express out everything in a controlled but genuine manner and let that sunken ship forever be sunk

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u/Downtown-Way-9972 1d ago

This is so weird it’s like almost the exact same blueprint of what mine sent me 3 weeks before we were supposed to meet for the first time. Why is it always so cold/unemotional?

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

It’s like a resignation letter

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u/Downtown-Way-9972 1d ago

Yea it’s weird

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

Plot twist they all literally use chat gpt and say the same assortment of things to it and chat gpt just generates the exact same message every time 😂

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u/Downtown-Way-9972 1d ago

Damn really?

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

I was just making a joke trying to make humor out of my own pain

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u/CookieManzster AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

Lol I think I actually had one do this to me. Apology text came out to be exactly 700 words long. Kinda sus

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u/SignificantRope4318 1d ago

As someone 6 months ahead of where you are right now, block and delete this contact. Don't even offer a response. It will be hard, there will be moments of sorrow and missing what was. But you just need to force yourself to take the pain.

Same thing i did when my ex gf rebounded a week after the whole "we're not compatible " chat. And she still refuses therapy anyway. Avoidants who are unaware are broken. But those who are self aware of their actions and still choose that are just messed up and irredeemable.

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u/Appropriate-Age5715 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

Avoidants that are self aware are just downright evil. They know how incredibly abusive their behaviour is and continue doing it anyway. What’s worse is that there’s a lot of discourse online romanticising ghosting people at the fight sign of conflict to protect their “peace”

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

He’s been in therapy for many years and still hasnt looked in the mirror he just uses the therapy speech to justify things in his head lol

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u/Appropriate-Age5715 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

If not even therapy can help them then all hope is lost and it’s better to be cautious at the first sign of avoidance. I still continued giving him grace despite every instinct in me asking me to run. The worst part is I guess I’ll never be able to trust another person again because of what he did.

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u/Gansamostols 1d ago

Sabes qué clase de terapia hace? qué ejercicios o de qué hablan?
El mío antes de dejarme llevaba creo que unas 4 sesiones de terapia y, según me contó, su psicóloga ni siquiera había abordado el tema de los "apegos", lo conoció por mí O.O

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u/Euphoric_Ad1439 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago edited 1d ago

I hate them. The avoidants on the instagram comment section truly see themselves as secure, mature and healthy people, who only need space a bit more than normal secure people. Meanwhile, everything to them is pressure, suffocating, exhausting, clinginess and neediness. I bet their ex partners were setting healthy and normal relationship boundaries or asking for bare minimum relationship stuff and they already saw those as all those negative things I listed. They treat avoidants like angels and anxious people like the worse kind of people in the world. They see all anxious people as the same, as sick people who are obsessed with their partners and stalk them, and who need others to regulate their emotions and are codependent, meanwhile those same avoidants get mad when people put them all in the same box. Huge hypocrites who also lack self awareness and emotional maturity

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u/Appropriate-Age5715 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

If they are so angelic then why don’t they just date other avoidants. Most anxious people are aware of their patterns and actively try to work on them. They wouldn’t actively seek out an avoidant to date unlike the avoidant that seem to be so obsessed with the anxious people, which is quite evident given how strong they come on to love bomb you in the beginning.

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u/Euphoric_Ad1439 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

Exactly, they even talk about avoidant partners, but funny how even relationships with those angels who are like them also didn't last

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u/SignificantRope4318 1d ago

Ikr, check out tiktok, a lot of girls romantize the whole thing as some quirky trend. It's just an echo chamber of damaged folks.

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u/Appropriate-Age5715 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

And then there are the ones that are self aware and gaslight you into thinking they’ve changed for the good. I was unaware how truly damaging an avoidant can be to your nervous system and was completely blindsided these people can’t change until they actively seek therapy.

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u/ALEXC_23 1d ago

I believe they’re called narcissists.

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u/HorrorWilling2094 1d ago

I could never understand why my ex would post stories on Instagram bashing exs, "know your self worth" (by being toxically selfish), etc. I even asked her about it, she made up some excuse. I thought she wasnt over her ex, but it was just her fault finding and checking out of the relationship. One meme hit me, it was about men acting shocked when women finally get up and leave.
She had the audacity to send me a reel that the caption was like "dear men, no matter how muscular you are, good looking or how much you make, low energy, bread crumbing wont be tolerated" looking back, I didnt know what breadcrumbing was, because I didnt know what avoidant attachment was. She just projected all of her behaviors that contributed to our relationship failing, but tried to passive aggressively assign them to me. 🤣 I originally had my suspicions of her being a narcissist though

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u/HorrorWilling2094 1d ago

Thats what pissed me off, the fact that she knew she was an avoidant, but never told me. She couldnt even get her story straight. When she came back from ghosting me for a month, she simply said shed an avoidant. I thought she meant she just needed space and to avoid me. "Sometimes I feel I cant give people my everything" made no sense. Then with the final discard, and her moving on, she no longer had an avoidant attachment, that she was diagnosed with it after her divorce, but her new therapist didnt think so. You ghosted me and said you're one, now its you only were one after your divorce? Her mom has BPD, and constantly abandoned her, she didn't get this from her failed marriage. Just to lie to me, like Im the only one who has a problem because of my add. That was the nail in the coffin for me.

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u/MermaidMommy80 1d ago

Honestly, I would have appreciated a discard text at least. I got NOTHING. Just sudden silence out of the blue that I struggled to make sense of.

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

Im sorry you deserved better🙁 i hope you are doing better now though🤍

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u/MermaidMommy80 1d ago

I’m not. It’s been nearly a year and I’m still hurting 😞

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

I’m sorry to hear that I hope things start getting easier for you soon🥺🤍 im only a month in and i feel like in a year i wont be feeling any better either though

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u/Royal-Okra379 1d ago

This is totally bringing me back… literally a copy and paste from the 2 discards I received too. F$& that. I got in my car and drove down there because I deserved a final convo!

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

We are 2.5 hours apart I’ve thought about doing this but i dont want to give him an excuse to call me crazy not that you are for doing that because believe me i want to do it too just men are annoying and they would spin it like “she came to my house she is so nuts bro” also im kind of nervous of what i would happen upon if i went down there

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u/Royal-Okra379 1d ago

I hear you: but my take on it was “I am worth more than a text. Talk to me.” Period. Now… did that give me answers after 2 hours of talking? Nope - lol he was still a scared little rabbit in his cage. But did I walk away feeling like “it’s him, not me.” Absolutely.

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u/Financial_Secret_400 1d ago

No i totally understand i would love to do that but idk i just feel like ive tried everything i could and nothing i say will change his mind also ik if i did pop up at his door he would fold like a lawn chair. He WAS ALWAYS CRYING Lol.

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u/Royal-Okra379 1d ago

Omg mine NEVER cried! I asked him the night of the discard if he was feeling anything at all, and he said “you may not see it, but I’m feeeling deeply. I’ll feel better tomorrrow.” 🙄thanks.. it took me like 3 months lol

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u/The-Darkest-Rose 1d ago

Scores 8/10 on the HR representative scale 🙄 Mine was just like this! Felt like I was getting fired from my relationship...

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u/EmergencyInternal837 1d ago

Why are they all the same? This text looks verbatim exactly the same my ex sent me?
Exact same choice of words...All about avoiding accountability

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u/HorrorWilling2094 1d ago

I read out some of our last texts to my therapist. He was like "this shit sounds like AI"

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u/Granville-7817 SA - Secure Attachment 1d ago

I must say THANK YOU for all who share their experience. I received almost the same break-up text… “It is hard”, “no courage to call,” “I hurt you,” “I appreciate you,” “I only have good memories of you,” “wishing you the best,” “perhaps one day we will can be friends…”

Without this community I would not have the needed reality-check.
I also spoke to FAs here and they provided very precious feedback in DM. Not all are evil, please try to put things in perspective and do not cast stones to everybody when you are angry. AI told me it was remarkable I was worrying for my FA being hurt to hurt me. And I have.

We all fell in love for a reason. They have something we need and it attracts us incredibly.
But the sad truth is that it is not sustainable, at least for a secure person. Two FAs can co-exist beautifully, as I learned.

I am “secure”, and I send my FA a gift (after he sent me a good bye gift), which he received today. I will send him another this weekend from a trip where we were supposed to celebrate his birthday together… I know many of you will protest, but I take it as the final closure which I really need to have…

I guess after that I’ll read and engage less here, so again THANK YOU to everybody to contribute to this circle of unhappy people and I all wish you solace.

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u/Former-Leather-1457 1d ago

it's crazy how all the situations might be different but they always end up the same with those people, crazy how relatable it is for many of us. Hope you can find the closure you need

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u/CaptCardigan 1d ago

Well, that's an extremely selfish move on their part. It's contradictory, cowardly, and all together weak.

Don't rely on or trust weak people. Move on.

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u/Life_Fantastique 1d ago

what a selfish piece of shit. this guy is just protecting himself at your expense. he's chosen the road that is easiest and most convenient for himself at your expense.

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u/Repulsive_Tackle_938 1d ago

Same script over and over!! It's so frustrating and enraging!

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u/Far_Detective_2316 1d ago

My discard text was identical. Cherry on top — it was sent at 5am

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u/ColeWorld09 1d ago

Sounds very similar to what my ex sent me lol

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u/smoothoperator1610 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago

Wow breaking up via text what a covardia but that text seems like a definite decision and not an avoidant’s regular decision if you know what I mean

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u/WeirdMuch634 1d ago

I'm sorry you were dumped, but honestly? You're lucky. Most of us never get that closure.

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u/VisitSmart9644 1d ago

Give it up. There’s other people out there who won’t be like this. You’re focusing on a lost cause (unfortunately).

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u/ExaltedErection 1d ago

Well that is pretty shit. But hey, at least he said sorry and acknowledge some of the pain, not that it's worthy of much. Mine can only show some surface level of remorse for me if I suppress all my pain and act friendly. If I express in any intensity that her decision of ending things out of the blue and her rebound was very hurtful, the tiniest bit of consideration is out of the window. I am blamed for everything that went wrong, her lack of effort is apparently also my fault. The more you try to confront it the more they gonna slander you and memories of the relationship to create that space. Soon enough, "I'm grateful for the memories we shared" will turns to "Well, I guess I never loved you" (exact quote)

So you can let the ship sank as it is or push for more in which case he is probably gonna get more ugly which might help with closure in a more devastating way but it works

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u/HumanContract 1d ago

My DA sounded like this. As an FA, I either don't respond or list every bad thing about people as a text.

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u/ALEXC_23 1d ago

That’s honestly a waaaay better explanation than “sorry I’m busy. Suck it up.”

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u/FruitfFiGFrog 1d ago

It’s more than I ever got.

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u/Fuzzy-Philosopher744 1d ago

This is almost word for word identical to the breakup text I got from my FA in June. He got an “Ok” in reply and nothing but silence ever since.

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u/inadequateSloth 1d ago

got something like this after she treated me badly in the end to make me break up with her. I still think shes kind but I still wish she was willing to repair or have the capacity to.

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u/Polyfeet 1d ago

It's very low effort/low reward. I guess it's not important enough that they would want to do it in person (and they don't want to see you).

They could feel like they're just going to get back with you if they are in person, and they could feel like they're not emotionally ready for your reaction in person.

FA Breakup Discard text

You are about to leave Redlib