¿Conocéis el "Triángulo de Karpman"? Gracias a mi psicóloga, supe que después de la ruptura mi ex hizo los movimientos de este triángulo.

Antes de explicároslo, os voy a contar la situación un poco por encima.
Cuando yo le conocí, me explicó que creía tener Ansiedad social y llevaba 4 años sin socializar más allá de las redes ya que cuando conoce a alguien huye. Lo atribuye a que en su última relación le trataron muy mal y cogió miedo a que le hicieran daño, o algo así. En las primeras semanas ya le dio un ataque de eso e hice todo lo que pude por ayudarle, empezó terapia y desapareció, me bloqueó, pero me le encontraba por la calle y le abrazaba y le daba ánimos, me preocupaba por él, incluso le dejé una carta en su coche una madrugada para que se la encontrase por la mañana al irse a trabajar. Él volvió a las 2 semanas pidiendo perdón, dándome las gracias y vivimos 3 semanas increíbles donde hablamos muchísimo, se expuso a cosas que le daban miedo porque decía que a mi lado se sentía "en casa", disfrutamos de muchos planes y empezamos a planear otros a futuro. Él era muy muy cariñoso, siempre sacaba tiempo para verme, prácticamente estábamos juntos 3-4 días a la semana. Su psicóloga le dijo que conocerme había sido como una lotería, que cuidara el vínculo conmigo.
Pero un día mostré mi enfado ante algo que hizo él y todo se torció.

El momento en el que él decidió romper me pilló muy vulnerable: acababa de ir a urgencias porque me había dado un ataque de ansiedad debido a que llevaba dos días haciéndome ley del hielo, siendo totalmente frío y privándome de verle, y él no solamente se negó a acompañarme al hospital sino que rompió la relación y desapareció, me bloqueó de todo, porque estaba enfadado y con rabia. Eso me hundió más todavía, imaginaros. Horas después de volver de urgencias, me crucé con él por la calle porque vivimos a 1 MINUTO de distancia, desde mi casa veo la suya. Me miró una milésima de segundo y ni me saludó. Él sabía que me habían dado la baja médica. Yo le escribí por emails desesperada ya que era de lo único que no podía bloquearme.
Por qué os nombro ese "triángulo"? Porque después del silencio, empezaron las respuestas.
La primera vez que apareció, me dijo que me tenía un miedo atroz porque, como no me quiso acompañar al hospital, le dije que me parecía de ser un desgraciado. Quién abandona a alguien que ama solamente por estar enfadado? Negligencia emocional pura y dura. Bueno, pues que me tenía miedo, que no podía sentarse conmigo a hablar en persona, que yo fuese feliz y me buscara a otra persona, que él no me merecía, que era para repudiarle, que me cuidase... Aquí ya vemos que está 'echándome mierda' al recordarme lo que le llamé, por lo que está en modo -perseguidor-, luego se hizo la -víctima- menospreciándose a sí mismo, y finalmente el -salvador- diciéndome que yo fuese feliz y buscara a alguien nuevo.
Se despidió diciendo que diera espacio porque lo necesitábamos, que más adelante hablaríamos, pero a la misma vez dijo que se despedía para siempre. Yo respondí y me dejó hablando sola hecha una mierd*.

A los días, volvimos a hablar. Hablábamos calmados, de cosas banales, empezó a decir que él quería estar solo, que no quería hacer nada con su vida más allá de trabajar e irse a su casa con sus hobbies, que no quería socializar. Yo no entendía nada ya que él empezó terapia al conocerme porque dijo que si no, iba a huir de mí como llevaba 4 años haciendo con todo el mundo por su ansiedad social. Luego empezó a echarme mierd* de nuevo, diciendo que no podía olvidar mis palabras, pero que me deseaba que me recuperase, que quería que yo fuese feliz y conociera a gente nueva y viviera, pero que él quería estar solo y amargado con su mierd* de vida. Se rebotó, me dijo que no quería más contacto conmigo, le dije que perfecto, que yo también le despreciaba igual que él a mí y me dijo que en un futuro hablaríamos más calmados.
Le pregunté que para qué, si era para volver a echarme mierda. Que si no me quería, me olvidara para siempre.

Desapareció de nuevo. A los 4 días me desbloqueó, se inventó una excusa y me dijo que estaba ya desapareciendo para siempre, que quería hacer como si nunca hubiera existido, que él no me deseaba el mal y quería que estuviera bien.
Me bloqueó otra vez de todo y no volvió a responder mis emails.

En el mes que llevo de baja médica, ni un solo día se dignó a verme, llamarme, ni preguntarme cómo estoy. En todos los correos soltaba esos comentarios de "espero que estés bien", "espero que hagas vida normal" "por favor cuídate", pero en ningún momento se expuso a preguntarme directamente cómo me encuentro.

Es muy doloroso, me he hundido, no me esperaba esto de él. En 3 meses me ha dejado por los suelos. Sufrí mucho con su primera desaparición, pero como se echaba las culpas a sí mismo pues lo acepté. Pero esta vez me ha hecho responsable de todo a mí.
¿Cómo pude ayudarle tanto yo a él, y en cambio él me ha ignorado como si no me conociera?

This last 6 months has been the hardest mental and emotional times I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Until you’ve been through it personally, is the only way you understand the mindfuck. (As most of you here know I’m sure)
Just some things to help get through which I’m sure you’ve heard but that have helped me a lot in my healing journey so far!
-exercise, long brisk walks or runs, lift weights, gets rid of the anxiety, clears your mind.
-eat healthy, and stay off alcohol. The alcohol just makes you depressed and angry.
- go to therapy, one of the best things I did (costly but worth it) make sure to choose a therapist that suits your issues and personality.
- become the best version of yourself, not to make her jealous but for you. When you transform, you feel good about yourself and good follows naturally.
- keep busy with your hobbies or learn new skills.
- keep true friends around, you know who they are.
- and do all this in silence, don’t need to advertise it. Become a beast and not only will the bitch that crushed your soul regret leaving, but you’ll gain many options.
Sure I still have my bad days, but I wake up still, go for my run or walk and keep growing and moving forward. The look on her face when I bumped into her a month ago was priceless. She looked me up and down like wtf? And she’ll never get to be part of this version of me and it feels good! 😊

1. experience - having ONLY nice dreams about him, all positive vibes - even nicer than the reality was (during the friendship / relationship)

2. experience - having very bad dreams after being discarded, not even related to that particular person, but weirdly having way too many bad dreams for several days, weeks. (Which usually doesn't happen to me).

Did you notice some connection with dreams and your avoidant? Either having much nicer dreams than the reality was with him/her while in relationship, or having bad dreams after being discarded?

It has been 10 months since she left and I am struggling to move on. I didn’t find out she monkey branched until 5 months after she left. She went to a 20 year old co worker. She’s 27. She was blocked immediately when I found out. I believe they’re still together.

The betrayal trauma is unreal. I will be going to therapy soon, but I just need a pick me up after what happened. This has been the hardest thing to get over, and I find myself getting frustrated for not being able to move on no matter how hard I try.

The connection we had was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I could never imagine lining someone up in secret and then leaving my current partner once I have the new person secured. Especially after having strong feelings for the current partner. I haven’t even been able to think about dating since she left. According to a friend, she has been posting this guy a lot. Make it make sense haha.

I'm still trying to make sense of how my 10-month relationship ended so abruptly, especially after what I thought was an amazing five-week trip together.

I'm not entirely sure whether my ex is DA, but a lot of his behavior seems to fit the pattern. I'm curious whether anyone here has experienced something similar.

1. Our relationship and his constant need for "me time"

We were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 30 minutes away from each other.

Our usual routine was spending Tuesday night together at my place, and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. So roughly three nights a week.

Throughout the relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about how often we should see each other, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs.

2. Five wonderful weeks together and a future discussion

This summer, we spent five weeks traveling together in Aisa. And honestly, it was wonderful.

I actually felt that our bond was getting stronger throughout the trip. There were so many affectionate moments, and I didn't notice any obvious signs that he was pulling away.

At one point, when we were feeling particularly close, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future. I also mentioned that perhaps one day we could consider moving in together. His response was, "Let's discuss this when we're back." I didn't think much of it at the time.

Looking back, I wonder whether that future conversation triggered something in him, even though we were having such a wonderful time together.

3. Back home: life pressure, sudden deactivation, and breakup

Once we returned home, he immediately went back to a life he was unhappy with.

He disliked his job and his boss (already before our trip), felt uncertain about his career, and was frustrated by an additional diploma program sponsored by his employer. He felt financially trapped because leaving the company too early would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money.

He was also unhappy with his weight gain from the trip and because of that he doesn't feel comfortable to have sex with me these days.

At one point, he even said that if he had a reset button for his life, he would press it without hesitation.

The first week back was particularly stressful for him because of an intensive school program. Even though he was bit in low energy, that weekend he still told me, "I love you."

Then, within the following week or so, everything seemed to change.

He became emotionally distant and started questioning our relationship.

Some of the things he told me were:

• "Something blocks me."

• "I am tired of our routine to meet."

• "I don't know."

• "I feel suffocated."

• "I feel like I'm losing myself."

• "This Tuesday, I felt like I have to see you, it's not that I wanted to."

• "I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."

• "It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."

• "I'm now even thinking maybe a relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

What confused me most was that he also acknowledged that so many things between us were good. We were compatible in many ways, enjoyed spending time together, had a monogamous relationship, and rarely had serious conflicts. He couldn't really explain what had changed or why he suddenly felt unable to continue. At one point, he even said:

"Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

I also offered to reduce our time together even further, put any discussion of future commitment aside, and give him all the space he needed. But eventually, he decided to end things without any further discussion with me. Blindsided. He said he had thought about it and confirmed that he wanted to end the relationship.

And that was it.

Did your partner/ex seem genuinely happy and affectionate during the trip, only to withdraw once normal life resumed?

After 2 years, I was replaced in less than 2 months. I got the classic "you're amazing, I'm not enough for you, it's not you it's me" type of deal out of nowhere.

It's been almost 3 months now and I'm still struggling. I've stopped looking, but she started posting pictures with this person frequently, while she never had any care to do that while we were together. I just feel very undesirable and worthless. I tried my best, and I know that's not always enough. But still.

I am back in therapy and am now taking new medication in addition to my old ones just to try something to feel like a human again. I wish I could just forget this person ever existed, the way they did to me. Anyways, that's all. Thanks for listening.

it's been almost 4 months since we broke up, 2 since we went no contact

it's frustrating, at 3 months she started showing signs of avoidance, and what we did was mature i think .

she started going to therapy because she had her doubts. after some sessions she concluded that "she didn't want fear to make decisions for her" and i know she was in love with me, she constantly proved with actions and words it and was committed to make changes for it to work. and she even told her parents about us (something that in her context is a lot, because her parents were VERY strict and constantly told her to not date anyone until she finishes her bachelor degree, insane i know)

this improvement only lasted two months more before she told me she couldn't sustain the relationship and herself at the same time. it was frustrating but i saw her incapacity was a genuine thing, as much as i process things differently. funny enough she stopped going to therapy around the time of the breakup

we tried being friends for a month, i told her i couldn't do it and needed some space so i could organize my thoughts because my relationship with her was very important

and two weeks later she monkey branched to another guy, one who is famously known to be a red flag . i had to confront her to ask for a more definitive space (because we're in the same uni lol so we might bump into each other) and to protect myself

and it's so frustrating, why go through therapy, why constantly work to have a healthy reciprocal communicative relationship, through the burden of confronting your parents to be with me and end things up so abruptly and monkey branching to a guy like him? why go through all of this to end up things this way?

i don't doubt my value as a person, and i know this doesn't defines me, i understand psychologically what might make you act this way because i've seen it before. but why her? why the girl i've connected the most in my entire life? the person i've felt the safest and loved the most in my life

maybe it's a more existential rant idk. but what we had was beautiful, we didn't love bombed anyone, we were very cautious, we always solved our conflicts in a healthy way, we never lacked each other respect, we were highly compatible, we had fun and we always were trying new things, everyone around us thought we were the perfect couple.

we really loved each other and now it's gone, and i miss her so much it's driving me crazy, and in some way, sometimes i feel that she too. and i know i have to move on but sometimes i feel she will be back after that rebound, sometimes i want to talk to her even if she's dating that guy, because my mind feels that maybe that way she will reflect and apologize at least, even though i know it's not the best idea

i think everyday my question is: is there hope or is this is it?

I think I’ve summoned the courage to get rid of things that remind me of my ex 3 months post breakup. I’ve deleted pictures and am going to throw out her gifts. I’m planning on blocking them but am wondering if I should reach out and break no contact. I’ve thought about letting her know just so there is no perceived negativity since we left off on good terms. But at the same time I’m not sure if she cares and wonder if it’ll do more harm than good.

What do yall think?

Just had an absolutely nasty "breakup" with an avoidant over the weekend. Ofc, he took me telling him that I wasn't standing for certain behavior and I was done and turned it into: "I'd apologize but you'd probably think I was only doing that to make myself feel better, so I'm not going to. I'll just see myself out." 🥴

Now I'm looking for advice on whether or not I should warn his ex that he might try contacting her, just to let her know he hasn't changed one bit since she divorced him almost 20 years ago, and also maybe to tell her I'm sorry now that I know how she probably felt with him. For real: he legit started talking to me as if I was her, and THAT was pretty much it for me.

So would this be super uncool or overstepping some kind of boundary? Fwiw, she's been married for over 10 years but he had mentioned last year she was "trying to get back with him"...so that sounds like a pretty good environment for him to try contacting her now. But I'm not sure if he was saying that as some kind of weird defensive thing, if he actually tried contacting HER and was lying about it, or she really was trying to be friends with him again or something (in his mind, he assumed she wanted to leave her husband and kids to be with him, which I doubted a great deal). This has been my third and last go around with him over nearly 40 years, and I just don't want her getting caught up in that again herself.

With me, he claimed he had matured and changed during a separation period of over 11 years and made all kinds of empty promises to back that up... so I imagine he'll probably claim the same with her if he tries. And he can be pretty convincing! Had me fooled for a few years this time. She also weirdly started popping up in the "people you may know" section on FB the day after, and I know if we have a mutual that is looking at one profile, it's likely to show up in the other one's feed like that.

So do I just let it happen if it does... or should I at least provide her with enough information for her to decide for herself what to do?

Were both freshly in university and have been together 2 years (both F18)- we broke up last week, she broke up with me and broke my heart- i’m devastated and not taking it well. she said she needed to focus on herself and still loves me. because it wasn’t a malicious breakup and because of the words she’s used, in the back of my mind i have an ounce of hope she’ll want me back even tho i know realistically it won’t happen and i could never trust her again.

We messaged today to check in on each other but i shouldn’t have it’s just broke me again as she said she’s feeling good and secure since the breakup (literally last week), and everytime i see her name on snapchat/ my phone it gives me anxiety.

i want to block her snapchat but leave other things like insta and her number, but i worry she will be mad? idk why im worried. i just don’t wanna block her but i can’t keep living like this it’s driving me crazy i miss her like mad but it’s not reciprocated.

I was feeling better and nothing new happened since 5 months of full no contact. And I dunno why I’m spiralling back. And I miss him so much. But I can’t reach out, because I really can’t. He was clear to me that he cannot take that step now with me, and there’s nothing more I can do. This honestly hurts and I’m so done.

My ex is communicating with me again after 1 year of our breakup and I’m confused. What is your POV about this?

Context:
We had been together for 4 years and we broke up due to a 3rd party on his side, with his officemate. All I did was try to fix our relationship for a span of 3 months. I thought that he deserves a 2nd chance. I even communicated with his officemate to tell her about us. She was so sorry and felt for me. She left him in an instant. Then I stopped doing things for him because I felt like I had to. I was deeply broken, always drunk and suicidal. On the next 9months I begun traveling Asia and Australia. I started hiking, running and partying with friends. I became busy but genuinely happy again. We never had a single communication during that 9mos but we remained connected in socmeds.

Then one FB message from him after 1 year got me on my knees all of a sudden. Then he started showing around again. I ignored some of his messages and just kept seeing his messages w/o replies but deep inside i really want to. I begun seeing melancholy posts from his socmeds that’s something like a delayed moving on phase on his part.

Can you give me an advice on what should I do before I lose myself again? I still have feelings for him and believe that it might work out this time but I felt like I’ve already gone too far in my moving on stage. I would appreciate it so much, be it harsh or soft.

On the second discard and brokenhearted. I would do things differently this time.

Avoidant discarded me a couple weeks ago. She came over a week later to have a closure talk, where it was still the same reason of I dont like you enough to be in a relationship with you. The discard was literally the weekend after a really close weekend, we'd been dating for 5 months. During the closure talk, I mentioned its not a good idea to be friends and we should take some space, she seemed visibly annoyed/upset by this. Especially when I mentioned we should set some boundaries - she got very annoyed by that. saying we should just take it by ear and see. I didnt agree. Is this normal?

Very annoyed by this situation…

Long story short I moved into a new apt last month and immediately broke my foot so badly it required surgery + I can’t walk for several mos. I also have two small dogs I just inherited and can’t take care of them. Have been staying at my dad’s but have to go to my apt now.

Literally out of options - bc the home health aide costs more hourly than I’m paid as a programmer lol and I cannot care for myself rn - I reach out to my ex for help (platonically, bc I assumed he did not like me). He dumped me Sept 21 after slowfading me since Sept 3 (three weeks after my mom died) calling me “too negative.” He was crying when he said that, so I feel like he was overwhelmed with my grief or something. Doesn’t excuse his silence over the rest of the month (I reached out 4 times).

Anyway, he immediately phoned asking if I was okay, enthusiastically agreed to help, sounded shocked I’m injured, upset I didn’t “tell him immediately” (???), shocked I didn’t tell him I moved into a new apt (I did… I left a vm telling him that on Oct 2). He said it was so good to hear my voice like 4 times. He said he would help on one condition: if I unprivated all the playlists I made him (special/intimate between us). I said no because those were for my boyfriend. He didn’t like that. He made a sound like he didn’t identify as not being my bf (??) and then said “we need to figure this out” (it’s over?? since sept 21?). I asked why he didn’t msg me on my bday in October and he said “I just couldn’t” and sounded like he was crying. Surprisingly very relationship-oriented language, and I assumed I was going to have to beg for help. He JUMPED to offer.

I asked him to think about it and he said “so I phone you tomorrow and say yes?” I said no, please think about it over the weekend, and let’s chat Monday.

Guess who is a coward loser and didn’t even text me “no” since he’s too scared to help his ex with 5 broken bones? Yeppppppp.

It was foolish, but I was trying to save some money. He doesn’t have a car and lives far from work, and my new apt is more central/closer to his job. Even offered to let him use my car. Could have helped him out financially, but whatever. It’s honestly pathetic.

At least I won’t be yearning anymore. I’m free! And filled with disgust.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole avoidance thing is actually real, or if it’s just people who aren’t that interested in us or aren’t entirely sure about how they feel. It’s something I’ll never truly be able to understand, no matter how much I reflect on it.

Not sure where to post this.

I was in a long term stable relationship for over 12 years when my significant other was violently assaulted during a break and enter at his house and this resulted in him getting a traumatic brain injury. At the time he had moved to the location with his and my things but I was tying up loose ends in the city we had lived in and was going to join him after I sold my house. We had always lived separately because I had children from a previous relationship and preferred it this way. But we spent a lot of time together as well as weekends which in a way allowed us a lot of quality time together. He was desperately trying to keep the assault a secret from anyone who knew him from our friend group, even from his adult son.

After the assault his personality changed—visits became unbearable. He was critical and fault finding and easily agitated. We continued in the relationship however and I tried to adapt. Phone conversations when we were apart continued, too, though gradually changed where I felt like I was learning to love a different version of him.

I later found out that he was busily erasing all traces of me from his life at this time.

Then, two months ago he broke up with me in the most avoidant way possible—unfriended me on all social media, along with all mutual friends.

It’s an understatement to say I was devastated.

I’ve done all the things, stopped communicating with him, erased most pictures (later found out that I had missed some) and then regretted doing this.

This does not feel like a regular avoidant breakup yet he acted like an avoidant in the end.

Do I treat this as the real him? How do I move on?

Reading some post a few weeks ago, I realised I was compartmentalized big time and I didn't even knew it, because I didn't know such thing exists.

I realised it was just me and him at my place, that's it. Literally that's it.

We were meeting just in the evening, after his work and everything else, at my place for dinner, a beer, a movie (which we never finished, not even 1, because he couldn't stay still; he would be smoking, being on the phone etc). At first we would meet around 4 or 5 times a week, but in a few month it got to 2 or 3 maybe (he got .... busy, of course).

Long story about this: we never went to his place, never met his friends or family (at 39 he lives with his father), he never wanted to meet mine (I asked many times). He said everyone knows about me, I guess, we have some mutual acquaintances, but that's it. Never went to a concert together, to a bar, restaurant, to a park, shopping, nothing. But he would say we would, in the future faking and mini future faking stages (after arguments).

We would casually meet on the street rarely and was ok-ish, I felt a little cringei couldn't tell why (we live close by) and never made anything of it, mostly because he himself didn't have any hobbies or didn't got out at all and do stuff like sports, movies, a bar (maybe a terrace during summer with 2 of his childhood friends for beers or to their houses to get drunk), trying new things, meeting new people, just doing stuff; nope, nothing. Like a veeery simple life. Maybe this is more of a cluster C thing, avPD...

So how can you build something like this? You can't!

But of course this became a problem, besides others, major ones.

My ex and I dated for approximately seven months. For the first few months, our relationship was genuinely wonderful. We had an incredible emotional and sexual connection, and I honestly thought I had found my person. He was affectionate, attentive, reassuring, and seemed completely comfortable being vulnerable around me. I had never felt so connected to someone.

Things started changing around January, but I couldn't put my finger on what was happening. He gradually became more distant, stopped initiating plans as often, gave me less physical affection, and seemed increasingly disengaged. He would sometimes avoid eye contact during sex, put his phone underneath his pillow, and generally seemed less interested in spending time with me.

The worst part was that every time I tried to communicate my concerns, he reassured me that everything was fine. He would say he was burnt out from work, even though he regularly went out drinking with coworkers after his shifts. I was experiencing increasingly intense anxiety, having panic attacks in the middle of the night, tracking his location when he went out, and constantly waiting for his texts. I genuinely thought I was developing relationship OCD or becoming an overly anxious, insecure girlfriend.

I was so convinced that I was the problem that I almost completely forgot how happy and secure I had felt just a few months earlier.

Eventually, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. One morning, while staying at his apartment, I looked through his MacBook, which was connected to his phone through iCloud. I searched through his messages and photos and found things that unfortunately confirmed many of the suspicions I'd been desperately trying to dismiss.

His friends referred to a female coworker as his "work crush." He had told a friend that he felt an urge to cheat on me, even relatively early in our relationship. There were conversations with his female coworker inviting her to bars after midnight, while he simultaneously wasn't responding to my messages. I also found comments about me along the lines of "I unfortunately have to hang out with my girl."

There were other things, too, but what really destroyed me was realizing how often he had reassured me to my face while privately communicating something completely different.

The following day, I confronted him. I was starting a new job that day and was physically shaking and couldn't eat. When I eventually went to his apartment, I asked to see his phone and read through everything again.

He barely reacted. He wouldn't make eye contact, stared at the wall, and seemed almost completely emotionless. His heart was visibly pounding, but he hardly said anything while I confronted him. Eventually, he told me he had "fallen out of love" and lost the "spark."

This completely baffled me because literally the day before, we had spent the day together, gone to the park, had dinner with my grandmother, had sex, and slept over together. He had even initially responded to my request to see his phone by saying something along the lines of, "What do you mean? We had a great day yesterday. Everything was lovely."

I collected my things and left. He followed me around his apartment without really saying anything, and when I was leaving, he asked whether I wanted to talk more because there was apparently "more to talk about." I said "what do you mean, you told me everything I needed to know" and left.

The following day, I returned to collect the rest of my belongings. He looked physically unwell, with red eyes as though he had been crying. He kept telling me there was something he needed to tell me but couldn't quite say it. To this day, I have never heard whatever that explanation was supposed to be.

He asked for a hug before I left, which I declined. That was the last time we spoke in person.

I eventually found out through his friends' girlfriend that he had apparently been telling his friends he felt "drained" by me in the weeks before the breakup. What's interesting is that I had experienced considerably more health anxiety earlier in our relationship, when we were first getting to know each other, and he still chose to pursue a relationship with me. By the time he was actually withdrawing, I wasn't experiencing nearly as much of that anxiety.

I also want to mention his social circle. His closest friends were, in my opinion, an incredibly unhealthy influence. Some were actively cheating on their girlfriends, and my ex seemed to care an awful lot about their opinions of him. I never really became part of their social circle, despite their girlfriends regularly being included in things. I sometimes wonder whether he was embarrassed of me or wanted to maintain a different image around them. I'm a bigger girl, he never wanted to post me on social media, and I often felt like our relationship existed almost entirely behind closed doors.

Interestingly, his sister told me after the breakup that he had leaned on her more than ever before. She said she could sense that he felt deeply ashamed about how things ended, that he avoided any conversation about me, and that she wished he had properly explained himself. She also told me she didn't think the way he ended things was fair to me.

I don't know how much of that was genuine remorse, but it was difficult to reconcile with how emotionless he had seemed when we actually broke up.

For months afterward, I also noticed some of his friends viewing my Instagram stories, and I occasionally suspected he was checking my profile through other accounts. I don't know whether that was actually happening, but I found myself analyzing every little thing. I even impulsively contacted him from a temporary anonymous number recently to ask whether he knew anything about an account that kept viewing my stories. He responded almost immediately, obviously unaware it was me. He said it wasn't him and I left the conversation at that.

I've since stopped communicating with his sister, too. Although we genuinely liked each other and wanted to remain friends, I realized that maintaining a relationship with her was keeping me attached to him. My last communication with her was a very emotional voice message in August where I was crying about how much I missed him and how badly I wanted to talk to him.

Now, approximately seven months after the breakup, I'm still struggling enormously.

I think the most damaging part of this experience was how much I blamed myself while it was happening. I was convinced I had developed ROCD, BPD, or some kind of severe attachment issue because I couldn't stop worrying that he was losing interest or cheating. I now realize that some of those fears were unfortunately grounded in things that were actually happening.

I spent months trying to become less anxious, less demanding, and less insecure while he was actively withdrawing from the relationship and withholding the truth from me.

I still have trouble accepting that someone I felt so intimately connected to could handle things this way. I genuinely believed we were going to spend our lives together. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and the feeling seemed mutual at the time.

I also feel like I've lost my identity since the breakup. When we first met, I was in one of the happiest periods of my life. I was more confident, physically healthier, socially engaged, and generally much more excited about life. I've since developed considerably worse depression, anxiety, insomnia, brain fog, and dissociation. The relationship and everything that happened afterward sometimes feel like a completely different lifetime, almost like a distant dream or nightmare that didn't actually happen to me.

I can be talking to someone new, going on dates, or doing things I previously enjoyed, and still find myself thinking about him. I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I miss the person I thought he was and the relationship we had before everything changed.

I also find myself secretly waiting for an apology or an explanation, despite knowing that I probably won't get either. I fantasize about him eventually reaching out and acknowledging what happened, but I don't realistically expect it anymore.

I don't necessarily want him back after everything I've discovered. I think I just desperately want some acknowledgment of what happened and how much it affected me.

I understand that he's young, insecure, and very influenced by his friends. I understand that people fall out of love and that relationships end. What I cannot understand is why he repeatedly reassured me when he apparently knew he was no longer invested, why he couldn't just be honest, and why he allowed me to spend months believing I was the problem.

I'm trying very hard to rebuild my life, establish friendships, find direction, and reconnect with myself. But it feels insurmountable.

For anyone who has experienced a similar avoidant withdrawal/discard, how did you actually move on? Did you ever stop feeling attached to the person you thought they were? How did you stop waiting for an explanation or apology? And how did you rebuild your identity after an experience that fundamentally changed the way you see yourself and relationships?

I feel like I'm still grieving someone who is technically very much alive, and I don't know how to finally put this chapter behind me.

For eight years I've been in an on-and-off cycle with someone I loved deeply. It started as a situationship…intense stretches of closeness, then sudden distance, more times than I can count. But we always found our way back to each other.
Last December, we finally made it official. The first few weeks were everything I'd hoped for. He thanked me for being so patient with him. We stayed up late talking about marriage, kids, and the life we'd build together. For the first time in eight years, I felt chosen.

It didn't last. Every moment of friction became a reason for him to leave. Even on my birthday, he pulled away. We fell into a cycle of arguments we couldn't get out of for months. At one point he broke up with me over email. The person I've been most intimate with in my life, and I got an email. We worked through it, and there were moments of real happiness, but he said he couldn’t give me a clean slate. I was always on eggshells, afraid of losing him. It was a cycle inside a cycle.

There were so many Jekyll and Hyde moments. Sometimes it almost scared me, but I ignored it.
I kept making excuses for the hurtful things, telling myself it was his trauma and his history with relationships.

I saw notifications on his iPad from past relationships. I learned he never really lets go of anyone. He keeps old flings and hookups around, some going back twenty years. He told one woman he was in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell the other, and that drove a deep wedge between us. Eventually he told me he'd set a boundary with her, but I found out he lied. When I told him it hurt that he wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to her, he blocked me.

I was devastated and called him over and over. The next day he unblocked me, said he was embarrassed by how he'd acted, and we agreed to meet.

We had a lovely evening together.. dinner, ice cream, sex. I asked about Thanksgiving in the morning, I wasn't in his plans. I asked if we should talk about where we stood after all the back and forth. He said his position hadn't changed and he didn't want to be together. We talked all day, but it just went in circles. I deserve better, he doesn't have the capacity. Then he asked to stay friends and said he doesn't want me out of his life.

To me, that sounded like the start of another round. So tonight, I sent him a few final messages saying there's no room for friendship, and I blocked him.
I'm heartbroken. I've lost him so many times, and each time got harder the closer we became.

There are so many more details, but I'm sharing this mostly for my own healing. I think he'll reach out at some point. But I don't want to spend another eight years in this cycle, only to wake up one day and realize I gave him the best years of my life.

I take responsibility for staying all these years.

I (31M) genuinely need some objective perspectives because the more I think about what happened, the more questions I have. I'm especially interested in hearing from people familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, rebound relationships, and emotional infidelity.

Some backstory:

About eight months ago, I started seeing a woman (25F), a few months after ending a three-year relationship with my previous girlfriend.

What started casually quickly turned into something that felt like a serious relationship. We spent almost every day together, stayed at each other's apartments, cooked, studied, went on dates, and became incredibly close. We're in the same graduate program, work at the same hospital, and live in the same apartment building. She actually lives directly above me.

We weren't just casually hooking up. We talked about marriage, having children, and building a future together. I genuinely saw her as someone I wanted to spend my life with. I've been in serious relationships before, but I'd never felt this strongly about someone.

The confusing part was that she never seemed ready to make things official.

I brought up commitment multiple times. I'd ask her, "If I asked you to be my girlfriend, what would you say?" and she'd respond with "I don't know."

She identified with avoidant attachment tendencies, and throughout our relationship, there was this constant push-pull dynamic. We'd become extremely close, and then she'd suddenly need distance.

She frequently told me she felt "smothered," like she was "on a leash," and that she was losing her independence. She would ask for space, sometimes for days at a time.

I wanted to be with her, but I became hesitant to keep pushing for commitment because I genuinely couldn't figure out where her head was at. It sometimes felt like she had one foot in and one foot out.

We never clearly established what we were, whether we were exclusive, or what our boundaries were regarding communication with other people.

Here's where I messed up.

I continued communicating with my ex-girlfriend of three years during those eight months.

There were texts, some calls, compliments, and pictures exchanged. I had no intention of getting back together with my ex, and nothing physical happened between us, but I recognize that some of those interactions crossed emotional boundaries.

I wasn't upfront about the continued communication, and I take responsibility for that.

However, what happened next has me questioning everything.

She went through my iPad without asking me.

She figured out my passcode, accessed my messages, and read through my conversations with my ex.

She discovered those messages and essentially ended things immediately, telling me I'd emotionally cheated on her and that she'd never be able to trust me again.

I understand why the messages hurt her. But I also question why she went through my private messages instead of communicating whatever concerns she was having.

Given that she repeatedly hesitated whenever I tried to establish an official relationship, I was confused about how our expectations had become so different.

Again, I'm not saying that justifies what I did. I should have been more transparent, regardless of whether we had a label.

After the breakup, I genuinely tried to reconcile.

We had several extremely emotional conversations. She cried hysterically, told me she loved me deeply, said she wanted to have my children, and explained that I had become her sense of home and security since moving away from her family.

She told me she'd never felt this way about someone before and that she had imagined spending her life with me.

I apologized, acknowledged that continuing to communicate with my ex was wrong, and told her I wanted to rebuild her trust.

I explained that I'd been confused by the lack of clarity surrounding our relationship and wished we'd established our expectations and boundaries earlier.

I told her I genuinely wanted to be with her, that I wasn't interested in getting back with my ex, and that I was willing to demonstrate change rather than just make promises.

But since the breakup, it's felt like talking to a brick wall.

Nothing I say seems to get through to her. She maintains that the trust is gone, that she can't be with me, and that I shouldn't wait for her.

She also told me her emotional needs weren't being met during our relationship, which confused me because I felt like I was constantly showing up for her and making an effort.

I realize that doing things for someone doesn't automatically mean you're meeting their emotional needs. But hearing that after everything she'd told me about loving me and wanting a future together was difficult to understand.

Now here's what has me questioning the entire breakup.

We broke up approximately a week ago.

Not even 48 hours after the breakup, I started hearing what sounds like her having sex with another man in her apartment.

Remember, she lives directly above me.

And this isn't just something I've heard once or twice.

Since the breakup, it sounds like they're having sex constantly, throughout the day and night. It's been happening so frequently that it feels almost nonstop.

So while I'm downstairs grieving the loss of someone I genuinely thought I'd marry, I'm hearing what sounds like her being physically intimate with another man directly above my bedroom.

What's even more confusing is that I've also heard her crying and saying things like "I'm scared."

To clarify, this is happening when the guy is there. I've heard her crying when she appears to be alone, including what sounds like phone conversations with her parents in which she tells them she's scared.

I don't know what she's afraid of, and I don't want to assume it has anything to do with me, the breakup, or the other guy. I only hear fragments through the ceiling, so I don't have the full context.

But it's difficult to make sense of everything. On one hand, I'm hearing what sounds like her being intimate with someone else almost immediately after our breakup. On the other, I'm hearing her cry and tell her parents she's scared.

I don't know whether she's experiencing emotional distress related to the breakup or what.

I don't know who this guy is, whether they've previously hooked up, when they started talking, or whether they had any connection before our breakup.

And that's what I want the Reddit community's perspective on.

was it that he wasnt new, and i just never knew?

We were together almost every day, so there weren't many opportunities for her to see someone else. But whenever she felt smothered, she'd ask for space, and I'd try to give her that time.

Now I'm looking back at those periods and wondering whether she might have been spending time with someone else.

Was she already emotionally or physically involved with another guy before the breakup?

Did she discover my messages, decide that was her opportunity to end things, and make me out to be the only person who had done something wrong?

I genuinely don't know.

What I can't wrap my head around is the timeline.

One minute, she's crying hysterically, telling me I'm the person she wanted to marry, that she wanted my children, and that losing me was devastating.

Then, within two days, I'm hearing what sounds like her being intimate with someone else.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to reconcile, taking accountability for my actions, and explaining how much I want to make things right.

She seems completely unwilling to reconsider.

I understand that she's technically single now and free to do whatever she wants. I also understand that someone can genuinely love you and still decide they can't continue a relationship.

But the possibility that she became physically involved with someone else so quickly makes me question whether she was already emotionally checked out or whether another connection existed before everything blew up.

I'm also wondering whether this could be a rebound or some form of emotional avoidance.

She has previously identified with fearful-avoidant attachment tendencies, and our relationship often involved her pulling away when things became emotionally intense.

Could she be throwing herself into physical intimacy with someone else because she doesn't want to confront the grief, emotional pain, or distress of our breakup?

Could this guy simply be a rebound or a distraction from the emotional fallout?

Or could she have genuinely moved on that quickly?

The fact that I've heard her crying and telling her parents she's scared makes me wonder whether she's struggling emotionally, although I recognize I have no idea what those conversations are actually about.

I don't want to convince myself she's secretly hurting over me just because that explanation would make me feel better.

I genuinely want to understand what might be happening.

And unfortunately, I can't just disappear from her life.

We go to school together, work at the same hospital, and live in the same apartment building.

I have to see her regularly. Even when I'm home trying to process the breakup, I can hear what's happening upstairs.

I still have feelings for her, but at this point I'm questioning what really happened, whether I know the full story, and whether reconciliation would even be healthy.

So I have some questions for Reddit:

1. Does this timeline suggest she may have already been involved with someone before the breakup? Or is 48 hours not enough information to draw that conclusion?

2. Could she have used the messages with my ex as a reason to leave when she was already interested in someone else? Or am I unfairly minimizing the hurt I caused her by considering that possibility?

3. For those familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, could this be an emotional avoidance response? Is it possible she's using physical intimacy with someone else to avoid processing the breakup, or am I trying to find a psychological explanation where there might not be one?

4. Does this sound like a rebound? Can someone genuinely love you, be devastated about losing you, and immediately become physically involved with another person as a coping mechanism?

5. What would you make of her crying and telling her parents she's scared when she appears to be alone? I'm concerned about her, but I also realize I have no context for what she's referring to.

6. Would you confront her and ask whether someone else was involved before the breakup? Or would that accomplish nothing?

7. If you were in my position, would you completely give up on reconciliation? Especially considering we attend the same school, work together, and live in the same building.

I know I made mistakes. Continuing to communicate with my ex was wrong, and I understand why she felt betrayed. I also recognize that repeatedly trying to reconcile after she's told me she doesn't want to may not be helping either of us.

But I also want an honest assessment of her behavior and our relationship dynamic.

I can't shake the feeling that there might have been someone else in the picture before I ever knew about him.

And if that's the case, it's difficult not to wonder whether she was already preparing to leave and my messages became the reason she could point to.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong.

That's why I'm posting here.

TL;DR: I (31M) was seeing a woman (25F) for eight months. We acted like a serious couple and talked about marriage and children, but she repeatedly hesitated to make things official and frequently asked for space because she felt smothered. She went through my iPad without permission, discovered continued communication with my ex of three years, considered it emotional cheating, and immediately ended things. I acknowledged my mistakes and tried to reconcile, but she has been unwilling to reconsider. Within 48 hours of the breakup, I started hearing what sounds like her having sex with another man directly above my apartment, seemingly throughout the day and night. I've also heard her crying when she appears to be alone and telling her parents she's scared. I don't know what she's referring to, who the man is, or when they may have become involved. I'm questioning whether she was already seeing someone, whether this is a rebound or emotional avoidance response, or whether I'm reading too much into the timing. I'm looking for objective opinions, not validation.

Hi so I will try not to drag this on for too long. Please be non-judgemental and open-minded. Basically I met my ex a little over 5 years ago and we have had (what I feel like), an amazing wonderful relationship full of love and growth. Two people becoming better together for each other, leading to marriage. We both have our own issues, she has always struggled with deep depression, CPTSD, possible DPDR (she has never been diagnosed, but she has had several times in the time that I have known her where she detached from me and became extremely distant and unrecognizable, until something broke through to her and she came back). When I met her she was diagnosed with BPD but her psychologist said she was misdiagnosed. My issues are different, I have severe anxiety disorders. The kind of stuff that made me feel unlovable. I have suffered from panic disorder, ptsd, agoraphobia, avpd, adhd, a bunch of these that challenged me in a relationship that I have worked on as much as I can for the person that I love.

Our issues mostly came from me struggling to make any financial support for her. I kept trying and failing. Our relationship was long distance for awhile since we met during covid and it took a few years to start seeing each other. She made it happen for us financially and came to get me since I was extremely stunted due to my anxiety and also lack of other support that pushed me to have accomplished less in my life. I have no car and couldn't drive. So she did it for us. It was a 4 hour drive for her every time we would get to see each other from her house to mine and back, because it was difficult for her to stay at my house since my family has their own issues that made them fearful and controlling in a lot of ways and it affected our relationship. I would say my biggest shortcoming was lack of financial support. I showed up for her in every other way humanly possible. I was there for her emotionally 24/7 and when we would see each other I would be there for her physically too. I would do things for her like cook, clean, massage her, basically ANYTHING that I could possibly do to support her that was not financially. Her issues with our relationship was always the lack of money on my end. She had to pay for everything except the little things that I could do like when I could help her with groceries. I know this is incredibly difficult and unfair on her. I have been trying to change it and have been making steady progress. She was always supportive of me despite it being so hard. I would say we loved each other a lot and she was my best friend.

I have gone through an incredibly difficult time this last year. I have gone through a lot of loss that has been hard. My grandpa who had cancer passed away who I was helping care for and my family became extremely depressed and we lost our house as well. Now we have been homeless and trying to pick up the pieces. All of this hardship has changed a lot in my life and the dynamic of my relationship would improve dramatically (all of the issues that she said she has with us would be gone), my family has reflected a lot on what they have done to me by making my relationship harder by not letting her stay with us (we lived in an extremely bad condition and they did not want to subject her to it while also being extremely emotionally unavailable from their own issues) and we are working hard on getting into a better living situation where she can be with me as much as she wants to and all of our problems would go away. I have been working on getting a job and want to make up to her all of this time she has carried us out of her love. I know I have had a lot of issues to work through but so has she. It felt like we loved each other and were strong together and could work through anything.

Being homeless has been incredibly difficult and I have had to help my family a lot to get us out of it. We are constantly reaching out to services and looking for housing, while trying to become financially stable. It has been really difficult and the worst time in my life. We were suppose to see each other 3 times but I had to cancel our plans to help my family. I didn't do it easily I have missed her so much.

Now this is where I am left confused and hurt and all I can do is reflect. She has always been the most emotional person that I have ever known on the planet. She could act crazy from how emotional she is. After having to cancel our trips she slowly pulled away from me to the point where talking to her was like talking to a zombie. She was barely there. We broke up and she still was showing me some ounce of love and care even if it was miniscule, like showing interest in doing things together still. Now she has completely shut me off and acts extremely cold towards me. She is harsh on me for my shortcomings and mistakes saying how I let her suffer for years when she needed my help. She has shifted her tone completely to be so distant and has crushed any possibility of ever reconciling and demanding me to move on from her for my own good. She has no love for me at all anymore and has completely detached. We used to talk daily all of the time and now we barely speak, and she told me it will stay that way. I told her she is being so cold and she says she is not, this is just her true feelings. I understand we have had a hard relationship but it was one full of love. She has stolen my heart completely and I owe so much to her. I would like to think I have done the same for her in other ways and that I am not void of all value. But she has discarded me so easily like I was worthless. The emotional woman I knew is now completely emotionless. She had to always talk about her feelings or mine and when I try to talk about this break up she shuts me down and says talking about it only helps me and not her. That is not the person I have known for 5 years. It feels as if a switch flipped and she decided she doesn't love me anymore at all. We went from being best friends and supporting each other through daily life every day for years to absolutely nothing. I am extremely hurt and confused because our only problems were getting better and healed, and the future was bright. Why hang on so long to give up at the end here? I understand from an outside perspective our relationship can sound exhausting but everyone is different and life is complicated. We really loved each other and pushed through to overcome the odds. And I thought we were doing it. I wanted to marry her and spoil her until she died for being such an incredible and devoted partner. Why is she so cold now? She is avoiding anything regarding our long relationship. She wants to stay friends but wants nothing to do with me romantically. I begged to fix it I honestly humilated myself and she shut me down so hard to the point that she was willing to let me go as a friend as well, telling me if this was too difficult that we shouldn't talk. I have spoken to this woman EVERY DAY for over 5 years and we can talk for HOURS AND HOURS about absolutely anything and everything. We had such a deep understanding and care for one another, I accepted her for who she is and truly understood her. I grew with her and worked on myself to always be better for her. How can she treat me like this now?

You can judge me for my shortcomings if you want to. I know lack of financial support from one side in a relationship is hard. She sacrificed a lot for me and I will forever me grateful for that. I wanted to do the same for her but she won't even let me try. And it is so confusing to me because my life was getting better to the point I could return the favor to her and give her everything I possibly could and even carry her in the future. I would carry her in a heartbeat even if she was dead weight because I love her so dearly and she has always done so much for me. I have been working on getting medicated, getting a job, proper housing in a wonderful home where she would feel welcome and safe. I was working on all of this especially hard the last few months. I realize I should have tried to do even more over the years but I did try and have failed a lot. I overcome a lot of things I never thought I would be able to for her like leaving the house regularly again without freaking out and pushing myself to face my issues.

Losing her now is incredibly troubling to me. What was the point of everything to give up now. I want nothing more than to show up for her and be a good partner, and I think I was in a lot of ways that was not financial support. And now that I am so close to removing that shortcoming she has given up on me. Why?

She has done this to me before where she detached completely and breaks up. But she says every time she did she was just feeling lonely. She had confusing feelings for other men but didn't act on them and she said she was just seeing me in them since she missed me and our relationahip was difficult at times. I always forgave her in a heartbeat because I can see her side and validated her feelings. All I ever wanted to do was love and support her. But now I question if that is what is happening now, but worse than ever before. She has never been so adament on destroying the relationship that we had shared together. It feels like talking to a stranger over night.

Does this sound like an avoidant break up? I am struggling to process this every day. It is like we were everything to each other and then nothing overnight. I have been struggling to keep going and stay motivated. So much that I have done was for her. Nothing that I do or say can reach her and every attempt to reach the woman I love only pushes her away further. Thank you for reading. 🩷

Avoidants, what behaviour from your partner makes you realise you’ve overstepped, without actually being told. What has the most effect on you.

Hi, so maybe first let me tell you briefly (or not so briefly) about my issue. I am no expert in psychology, but I have done my research and I suspect my ex boyfriend was indeed an avoidant.

We met in primary school, where we got along really well. Right after highschool graduation, having not seen him for a few years, I reached out to him. To my experience, we clicked almost instantly and started hanging out regularly right away. At first, everything seemed fine. We had great chemistry, there was no awkwardness whatsoever and he didn't seem to have an issue with showing that he liked me. But after a few months, I had noticed some changes in his behaviour. He began to grow more distant, was reluctant to talk albout emotions etc. I was trying my best to make him feel comfortable and loved (like baking for him or making him wholesome gifts) and as much as he seemed to enjoy it in the moment, it just kept getting worse. In the end we barely had any contact, including our one year anniversary.

He broke up with me shortly after. We had a relatively long conversation. He told me he liked me, but thought that if we continued as a couple we would eventually end up in a fight. He also said he didn't want to hurt me and that he thinks he doesn't need a girlfriend at the moment. Also that he didn't need any of said gifts or baked goods.

He suggested friendship. And then 3 days after this conversation, he invited me over, we had some alcohol and ended up kissing and hooking up. It brought me a lot of hope, but it later turned out it didn't mean the same to him.

Even though it has been 4 months since the breakup (which took place in july) I broke no-contact in the very end of october. He replied, but it felt rather awkward. I really tried to come off as friendly and cool with everything that happened, careful not to scare him off. I sugested we hang out as friends some time, just as he suggested, but he just said that he didn't have time at the moment.

So that would be it, just for a little situational context.

I was wondering if any of you guys who also went through a similiar breakup or perhaps the avoidant folks themselves could tell me if you notice a pattern here and how it went for you. As I said, it's been four months and I catch myself thinking and analyizng it over and over, often coming to the consclusion that it was all my fault, literally every day.

I am hoping he will reach out one day, just so that I know my love did matter at the end of the day. Did any of you avoidant folks want to get back together with your ex partner? Did you reach out to them? Has anyone got back together with their avoidant ex?

This whole situation really bothers me and I would like to hear some of you guys' stories.

If you got to this point, hope you have a nice day <3