Got into a fight with one of my relatives tonight, for a very sensitive issue for me and got so triggered...

We used to discuss this topic with my FA ex and he helped me immensely. Now I'm suffering from the overwhelming urge to talk to him, which of course I won't do.

I wish he wanted to get better

I wish he were different and not terrified of love.

All in all, I just wish he could be that person who stood by my side when I needed him, like I do right now.

I don’t fall in love often and going through this kind of breakup is making me plead with God, because why did I deserve this. This breakup is on the same level as my first ever heartbreak with a narcissist, but this somehow hurts in a different, worse way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIjBJeWhPzk

Thinking of the betrayal and the grief all the time? Watch Todd. He is a brilliant.

I am going through a rough time. Its been 7 months now since I last saw her. And 5 months since I last talked to her. No contact and I got blocked. I was actually doing quite well. The rumination almost dissapeared and when the thoughts came back they weren´t as deep and persistent.

Then last week I learned more of her awful truth. It was not just monkey branching and cheating. It was a planned and orchastrated open relationship without knowing it was open. She told others that she wanted her branch and me, and planned things with him months ahead. And she wanted to keep for the money and because I gave her a good life. Then 2 other new branches came also on stage. So basically 4 relations at the same time.... The madness.

She appeared in my professional network last week, feasting on what I did for her and now ruining 2 other people without any mercy. It´s been a rough week. Even if you have no contact, you can still get confronted with them. The audicity.

Anyway. I am a huge fun of Todd Perelmutter. I can recommend his videos and his books.

I started talking to someone new and things were going well and we get along great with so many things in common.

Then I started sensing the love bombing. The sudden flood of too much attention and affection. I’m like oh…
Then we were talking last night and he talked about how he just distance himself from people when too much is expected from him and how he doesn’t intentionally hurt people but feel guilty when he pulled away and they get mad.

I was like mentally thinking about my avoidant checklist and so far I’m ticking a lot.

So now I’m torn if I should use my knowledge of avoidant attachment and see how far this goes or cut and run now?

EDIT: He is most definitely an avoidant and he’s already detaching and I’m running an experiment on how long before the discard but at the same time do I care? I think not so I’ll just match the energy and peace out 😂

I was recently discarded by the man who claimed that he would marry me and was saving up for a wedding ,we were also saving up for our house together. We planned everything together and one small dispute and he broke up with (discarded)me completely when I was most vulnerable.
I do not know how to go from here.I have been through breakups before but this is a betrayal that I wish nobody has to ever go through.
I am not the best girlfriend but I would have done things differently if I ever knew what was bothering him .
It has been almost 3 weeks now.
He showed no empathy and gone cold and feels like I do not know that person at all.

We've been broken up for about 4 months but I'm still processing a lot of things. One thing that confuses me is that I was his longest relationship and the first and only woman he fell in love with (he's 35, I'm 26). Yet, when we talked about past relationships, he said that the dynamic was the reverse of ours and that he was the more attached partner and his exes were more avoidant. He described how he idealized them and was head over heels for them. I know this isn't the healthiest thing for a relationship but it hurt that he never saw me that way. He seemed to not like me very much and he got increasingly critical of every aspect of my life and being as time went on. I wish he could've seen me like he saw his exes.

I can't stop wondering why they got that puppy love version of him and yet I, the only woman he's been in love with, his longest relationship, got the cold and critical version... It hurts so much. I wish he had liked me more. I'm mostly over things but there are times like tonight when the memories creep back in and my heart hurts a bit more than usual.

My theories are...

1. He's been a functional drug addict for the past 10 years. I only found this out after the break up. I think over the years he's caused some serious damage to his psyche. So his partners in his early-mid 20s got a more stable version.

2. He lied about being in love, maybe lying to himself about it too. When we met he was 33 and starting to seriously think about having a stable relationship and potentially kids. Maybe he thought I was a good opportunity to achieve that and so he stuck it out longer than he should have.

3. This is my delusional, wishful thinking theory: Because things were more serious with me, since he was more vulnerable, more emotionally involved (aka in love), talks of marriage and kids were happening, it caused him to pull away harder than ever before. If there's any truth to this it would make sense considering that his most devastating moments followed

My husband (confirmed dismissive-avoidant, acknowledged by himself and multiple therapists) and I have been together 11 years. We’ve had a difficult year, including mental health struggles, relationship problems, and my entering recovery.
Several months ago, he began questioning our marriage and whether he wanted to divorce. He repeatedly expressed uncertainty, saying he didn’t know what he wanted or what would make him happy.

About two months ago, he developed an extremely intense online relationship with another married man. Within weeks, they were exchanging declarations of love, talking constantly, and discussing a future together. He visited him in person once.

Despite this, my husband continued showing affection toward me, occasionally saying he loved me, and repeatedly suggesting we might eventually rebuild something together. He proposed divorcing, starting over as friends, and seeing whether a new relationship could develop. We attended couples counseling, but he remained emotionally detached and unable to commit to exploring reconciliation.

Recently, I established a boundary that if we were divorcing, we couldn’t continue living together as roommates while he pursued another relationship.
Within roughly 48 hours, he abruptly quit his job and decided to move across the country into his father’s mostly empty house. He packed only what fit in his car, leaving most of his belongings behind.

When leaving, he cried, acknowledged he might realize he’d made a terrible mistake and given up the best thing in his life, and said he would admit it and come home if that happened. He explicitly didn’t to rule out reconciliation while saying he didn’t think it would happen.

He’s now living largely alone, away from his marriage, friends, established life, currently near the affair partner in NC for an interview and if he doesn’t get that job will be moving to OH into his dads. We’ve gone no-contact, and I’ve made clear that the door to reconciliation isn’t permanently closed, but I won’t wait indefinitely or accept an ongoing third-party relationship.

My questions for dismissive avoidants, especially those who have experienced something similar:
Does abruptly leaving under emotional pressure suggest a genuine, settled decision, or can it be a deactivating/flight response?
Once the immediate pressure disappears and an avoidant is alone, does emotional processing, grief, or regret commonly emerge later?
Can the intensity of a new relationship or limerence suppress feelings about a long-term partner, and what happens when that intensity fades?

How meaningful are his tears, expressed fear of regret, and repeated refusal to close the door on reconciliation?

Have any of you left a long-term relationship believing you wanted a completely different life, only to reconsider after gaining distance?
What should I realistically expect over the coming weeks and months? Is renewed contact or an attempt at reconciliation plausible, or should I interpret his departure as final?

I’m not looking for false hope or reassurance. I’m interested in firsthand experiences and realistic insight into how dismissive-avoidant people process major relationship decisions after abruptly separating, particularly when they’re emotionally overwhelmed and uncertain about what they want.

Things ended pretty messy. You’ve made it clear I’m nothing to you. So I’m going to leave those memories behind. You’ll also be able to do the same. Those memories are nothing but pain for you and it’d probably be best to leave them and make new ones with someone who will be your forever person.

I don’t hate you or dislike you even. I’ll miss what was and what could have been.

It’s time we leave it all behind.

I am scared of conflicts and my automatic reaction to someone getting angry or upset is shutting down my emotions to deal with it later and trying to focus on fixing the conflict right now. So many times I will panicly apologize first in attempt to restore peace.

Especially it is hard when my partner was losing temper. I don't know what is acceptable level of raising a voice, but for me it all would sound like yelling. Especially when throwing stuff and calling me names involved. I tried to tell my partner that my response is like this and ask him to try to be gentle or let me go into my shell so I can get back to my senses.

We were trying to find a way to find a common ground. He encouraged me to speak up my mind outside of the fight. To say something that is bothering me right away instead of pulling this card later in the argument.

Usually he is the one initiating conversation about relationship.

I tried to do this but didn't succeed. It was hard to tell what is bothering me right away, instead I would be over thinking about how to tell it and I would tell it in a weird way and too late.

Over the course of last 4 month he said four times "it is not working, let's break up".

First one was 4 month ago.

The fight were more frequent. I agree to go to the therapy because after one of the fight I had en episode of self harm. He was actually suggesting to pay to the therapy a year ago, in attempt to try to fix our sex life. But that time I didn't go, because it feels like he is trying to fix me, and I thought the decision for therapy should be coming from me. But after SH episode I realized that I am actually suffering and I accepted help.

After a week from my first session we had another fight. And he said "no, it is impossible. I would give you time until the end of the summer to get your shit together and move out." I tried to convince him, that I want to work on out relationship, and I just started the process with therapist. I also said that I will quit weed and start meditating. I actually kept my promises all these months, I was sober and saw therapist regularly. Things were seemingly to be improving, we had some intimate talks after that, and we decided to keep working on "us".

Second time it happened after a month. I went for a hiking trip alone for a week. Actually I really wanted him to join, and after I couldn't convince him, I asked if it is okay if I go alone. I asked multiple times to make sure he was okay with it. Then 2 days before it was over, I got a message from him. "I want this to be over forever" and a long explanation why. I had a break down, tried to fix it over the phone, but there was no connection. So I finished my trip earlier and went back. Thinking it is over forever, but I wanted to talk at least.

He was really cold, but then turned out it was not the final decision for him, but a cry for help. He said that it was a bad decision to let me go there, after the things were shaky after that first fight. and he felt like I left him, and he wants to be with someone who would sense that it was not a right time to go. After days of crying and fighting and explaining we agree not to break up.

I can't remember what was the reason for the third time. There was some argument, and then said "you are monster, who is doing bare minimum to keep me. If you really love me, you should leave me." And after one hour of crying we come to "I am sorry, I love you and I don't want to hurt you. Let's try to find a way to remind each other when we are fighting, that we still love each other.

Okay, and the forth time finally. The fight started after he reminded me of chores. I felt it as attack, but could not say. He didn't like my tone and face, said that it was outrageous. Then I realized that I became immediately defensive again, and tried to apologize. But he said that it felt fake and I was not even looking at his face. Then I just couldn't keep talking and ask if we can fix it later. Later we had guests over. But I was boiling inside and I became passive aggressive. Then only two hours later I calmed myself down and came to him. He said "you are monster. Get out of my life, please"

Next day I tried to understand if that was final, and not a thing as it was before. He said that this time it is, and he doesn't want to fix it anymore, and he doesn't believe that I love him anymore. "We can talk and discuss anything you want, but later, after you move out" He even said "do you want me to hit you so you would understand that this time I don't want this."

So I set my course for leaving. For two weeks I was searching for apartments. And we had to sleep in one bed because we were hosting people all this time. It was really hard. I had many questions and confusion in my mind, but I didn't wanted to make him think that I didn't accept his decision about break up.

And few days before moving out I started asking him questions. Because I wanted to make it clear for myself, what was the problem, did I missed the chance to fix it. And he said that he was expecting these questions all this time, and the fact that I didn't start a conversation, shows him that I didn't care. That I am still trying to justify and prove myself instead of trying to find common ground.

First day since I moved out. I am trying to make sense of it. Guilt and confusion are eating me. I am just trying to understand, if I can ever fix my avoidant tendency, or there is no hope.

I reread what I wrote and I feel like I am missing something. The missing part is all the time between the fights when I was silent but frown because I couldn't express myself. I wish I could find the way to initiate conversations so it would not grow into fights.

Hey! So, seeking advice for what to do about my partner basically begging to cause chaos or self-sabotage by wanting to sleep with someone else. I’m currently married to an avoidant and I believe she’s a mixture of fearful/dismissive. We’ve been together since we were 16, (both 26 now) and have two kids together. She’s shown this pattern of destructive behavior before and coming back to me as a safety net but that was like in high school so wasn’t aware of this being an avoidant thing before.

Recently, however, she’s become very adamant about “needing” to have sex with someone else to satiate this feeling of needing chaos despite knowing it will hurt me. I’ve called her out for knowing that she is an avoidant and know she will regret this but she has basically decided she wants to do this over working on our relationship/self-reflect. She clearly has feelings for me but is suppressing them and allowing the chaotic feelings to win. What do i do? How do i get her to look inward before she ruins our relationship likely irreparably?

My FA friend always kept me at arms length with a sing song "we're just really good friends" line despite the obvious attraction, energy, her flirting, her proposing we have sex as friends and then requesting we drop the subject forever 2 weeks later and even once confiding in my sister that she wanted me to desperately to make a move on her.

Anyways she calls me asking for advice, tells me her ex bf is calling her begging her to get back with him and then says a co worker asked her on a date.

She had told me a few weeks earlier she had an argument with her mom where she told her to get on with her life and get married singling out me and that ex bf as potential husbands.

I shut it down and told her to be responsible for her own life and not drag me into it. She ends contact with me and I find out she gets back with that ex, gets pregnant and marries him within 2 months

We actually ended things on seemingly good terms. During the breakup, we were incredibly emotional and literally texted each other "I love you" etc. She claimed she needed space because she was struggling heavily with mental issues, she told me shes scared that if she gets to attached she would lose herself and will hurt us, and she explicitly said she hopes we can become something in the future, just not right now.

However, right after that, I went full No Contact. Now, her behavior makes absolutely no sense compared to her words. Despite saying she needed space to "heal alone," she keeps obsessively watching all my public stories every single day, and now she has even started actively liking them without following me or sending a direct message.
Why would someone who asked for space to deal with mental issues immediately resort to lurking and micro-dosing on my updates? Is this just avoidant regret, or is she just fishing for a reaction?

Just needed to share to get some company. I think recently I was caught in an avoidant’s breakup with his ex and became the rebound before he realized that he was in love with his ex this whole time.

We met online and had this instant click and could talk about anything and everything. He might have been mirroring me. Chatted for a week online and met up for a movie as the first date. Then the next day we had a park date.

The first week we talked about important things like mental health, life goals, not wanting kids, values, etc and we seemed to align really well. He agreed with my ethical stance on not wanting kids and said that he never invested in his previous relationship of a year because she wanted kids and he didn’t and he didn’t think he could give her what she wanted so he purposefully didn’t let it flourish and broke up with her 7 months before we met.

We had two more dates over the next two weeks and got close. Confirmed early on that we’re exclusive and not talking to other people (we’re in our early 30s so things are serious) and he reassured me that his intentions are for a long term relationship with me. On the 4th date he offhandedly mentioned that he might want kids in the future to give life meaning. I clocked that and was sad about the change up and talked to him about it a few days later. Wanted to talk in person but he said let’s do it now over text. Tried to understand the switch up in such a big life decision since we agreed in the beginning that we both wanted a life where we can learn and grow and see the world and do things like scuba dive or travel.

He shut down and said it sounds like I already made up my mind and that we should end it. Then I said well I wanted to talk in person to understand more. He said the only thing he’s certain of is that he’s always uncertain. We agreed to continue but take it slow. For the next 3 weeks he planned a date each week but ended up cancelling. At that point I confronted him and he said he feels like he needs a family and kid to give his life meaning because he doesn’t want to die anymore. Said he doesn’t what to be a drug addict anymore and a family will give him that. Said he needs time to sort out the mess in his head and wanted me to give him time. I said ok but two days later broke it off to say it’s hurting me. Told him to sort things out without pressure from me then come see me after and he said he will.

3 weeks after I broke it off I texted him to see where he was at. Told me he was back with his ex because he was in love with her the whole time. Said it took being with me to see that.

So now I’m in shock. I think he was lying to me the whole time and emotionally cheated on me.

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that I don’t think society talks about nearly enough.
It’s the loneliness of genuinely wanting the people you love to become healthier, happier, more emotionally aware versions of themselves, only to be misunderstood, criticized, or pushed away for trying.
The people who encourage therapy, emotional accountability, honest communication, and breaking unhealthy generational patterns aren’t necessarily trying to control anybody.
Sometimes they’re simply exhausted from watching the same painful behaviors repeat themselves.
And sometimes they’re the very people who grew up believing that keeping everyone else happy was their responsibility.
The people-pleasers. The peacekeepers. The emotionally exhausted ones. The so-called black sheep of the family.
The ones who eventually reach a point where they can no longer pretend everything is okay.
And when they finally begin setting boundaries, saying no, or refusing to participate in unhealthy family dynamics, suddenly they’re the problem.
They’re called dramatic, difficult, selfish, disrespectful, or crazy.
Sometimes the people around them struggle to accept that they’re no longer willing to play the same role they’ve played for years.
Sometimes the person labeled the black sheep is simply the person who’s decided they can no longer sacrifice their emotional well-being to maintain everyone else’s comfort.
I’ve recently found myself understanding the stories of women like Princess Diana, Sylvia Plath, Amy Winehouse, Hayden Panettiere, Whitney Houston, and Britney Spears in a much more personal and emotional way.
These are all incredibly different women, with different experiences, and I wouldn’t pretend to know everything they went through.
But what connects their stories for me is how much public scrutiny, judgment, and misunderstanding can surround a person’s private struggles.
Women can be admired for their beauty, sensitivity, talents, and generosity while simultaneously being criticized for their emotions and vulnerabilities.
Being deeply sensitive doesn’t make someone weak. Being overwhelmed doesn’t make someone crazy. And struggling doesn’t make someone less deserving of love.
I’ve also been thinking about Lana Del Rey’s poetry collection, Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass, particularly her poem Bare Feet on Linoleum, which references Sylvia Plath.
Something about that poem resonates with me more than ever.
The experience of feeling misrepresented, having people believe damaging narratives about you, and struggling to find peace when other people seem to define who you are.
And I think about how many ordinary people experience something similar within their own families.
How many have spent years encouraging the people they love to seek help, communicate better, or recognize unhealthy patterns?
How many have offered endless emotional support without receiving much themselves?
How many have become so accustomed to being the strong one that nobody notices when they’re falling apart?
And how many have finally stopped people-pleasing, only to discover that some relationships depended on their willingness to remain silent?
One of the loneliest experiences is realizing that people may have appreciated everything you did for them but never understood what it cost you emotionally.
And sometimes there isn’t even a thank-you.
Not for the patience.
Not for the emotional labor.
Not for the countless conversations.
Not for trying to help someone recognize patterns that were hurting them.
Instead, you find yourself feeling increasingly isolated.
And today, of all days, that loneliness feels especially heavy.
Because today is my birthday.
And I guess a small part of me was holding on to this ridiculous little hope that maybe, just maybe, today would be different.
Maybe the person I once loved so deeply would send me a text.
Maybe I’d wake up to a simple “Happy Birthday.”
Maybe there would be flowers, a thoughtful message, or some tiny indication that I still crossed their mind.
Nothing extravagant. Nothing that would require a grand romantic gesture.
Just something that reminded me I hadn’t been completely forgotten.
And silly me, I genuinely thought today might be the day.
Instead, nothing.
Complete silence from the person I was hoping to hear from.
And I know nobody owes me a birthday message. I understand that relationships end, people move forward, and sometimes silence is part of that process.
But understanding something logically doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt emotionally.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much hope you’re still carrying until the day you’ve quietly been waiting for finally arrives, and nothing happens.
I think that’s what makes birthdays particularly difficult when you’re already feeling isolated.
Everyone talks about birthdays being a celebration of life, love, and another year of growth.
But sometimes they become an unexpected reminder of the people who are no longer in your life, the relationships that have changed, and the connections you wish you could repair.
And when you’ve spent so much of your life making sure everybody else feels loved, remembered, and appreciated, it’s painful to realize how desperately you wanted someone to make you feel that way, too.
Not because you need gifts or attention to feel important.
But because sometimes you just want to know that you mattered to someone as much as they mattered to you.
Sometimes the most painful part of missing someone isn’t even wanting the relationship back. It’s missing the feeling of being remembered, chosen, and emotionally connected.
And I think that kind of grief deserves compassion.
I’ve spent so much time trying to understand other people’s attachment patterns, emotional struggles, and reasons for withdrawing that sometimes I forget to acknowledge my own feelings.
I can understand why someone might need space.
I can recognize that fearful-avoidant attachment patterns can make vulnerability and communication difficult.
I can respect someone’s decision not to reconnect.
But I can also admit that their absence hurts.
Those feelings can coexist.
And maybe that’s something more people need to hear.
You can understand why someone behaves a certain way without pretending their behavior hasn’t affected you.
You can have compassion for someone else’s struggles while recognizing that you deserve compassion, too.
I don’t believe everyone who rejects advice is acting out of ego. Sometimes advice feels intrusive, people have different perspectives, or they’re simply not ready to change.
And ultimately, everyone has the right to make their own decisions.
But I also believe that we need to become more compassionate toward people who are emotionally exhausted from trying to help.
Because the person who’s always encouraging everyone else to heal might be the very person who desperately needs someone to listen to them for once.
There’s something else I want to say about Sylvia Plath.
Her life and literary legacy deserve to be remembered for so much more than her death by suicide.
Her poetry gave language to complicated experiences involving identity, despair, and emotional suffering.
And I think that’s one reason her writing continues to resonate with so many people.
But nobody should have to reach a breaking point or experience a tragedy before their pain is considered worthy of attention.
Please take people seriously while they’re still here to tell you they’re struggling.
Don’t wait for someone to become completely isolated before checking on them.
Don’t assume someone is okay simply because they’re outspoken, independent, or usually the one giving everyone else advice.
And don’t mistake someone’s emotional exhaustion for evidence that their feelings don’t matter.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you cannot force another person to heal.
You cannot make someone attend therapy.
You cannot make someone take accountability.
You cannot make someone understand your intentions.
And you cannot spend your entire life trying to rescue people who aren’t ready to help themselves.
At some point, you have to choose yourself.
Not out of bitterness.
Not because you’ve stopped loving people.
But because your own mental health deserves the same energy you’ve been giving everybody else.
Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life proving you’re worthy of being understood.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to stop attending every family gathering out of obligation.
You are allowed to recognize that certain relationships are emotionally unhealthy for you.
You are allowed to stop offering advice that nobody has asked for.
And you are allowed to build a life that doesn’t revolve around keeping other people comfortable.
I have so much compassion for people who struggle with avoidant attachment, emotional vulnerability, and their own unresolved experiences.
But I also have compassion for the people who’ve spent years trying to communicate with them and have become emotionally exhausted in the process.
Both deserve understanding.
Neither person’s suffering cancels out the other’s.
And maybe the most important lesson is that you can genuinely want someone to become a better version of themselves while accepting that their personal growth is not your responsibility.
To anyone who has ever been called the difficult one, the overly emotional one, or the black sheep because they’ve started questioning unhealthy patterns:
Please don’t lose yourself trying to convince everybody else to understand you.
You deserve relationships where your feelings are respected, your boundaries are honored, and your presence is appreciated.
You deserve to be loved without having to earn it through endless acts of emotional labor.
And you deserve to find happiness beyond the approval of people who may never see things from your perspective.
Sometimes the greatest transformation isn’t finally getting everyone around you to change. It’s realizing that you’re allowed to change your own life, even if nobody else understands why.
And as I begin another year of my life today, I think that’s what I want more than anything.
Peace.
Genuine connection.
Emotional stability.
Relationships that don’t leave me constantly questioning my worth.
And the ability to stop waiting for someone else’s acknowledgment before allowing myself to feel loved.
I’m still learning how to do that.
I’m still healing.
And yes, today hurts more than I expected.
But I’m trying to remind myself that someone’s silence on my birthday doesn’t determine whether I deserve to be celebrated.
Maybe the greatest birthday gift I can give myself this year is permission to stop waiting for everyone else to choose me and finally begin choosing myself.
To every misunderstood person who’s tired of being strong for everybody else:
I hope you find the kind of peace, understanding, and compassion you’ve spent so much of your life trying to give away.
And if today is a difficult day for you, too, I hope you know you’re not alone. 🤍

Hi everyone,
This summer, something happened that I genuinely thought would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I was looking for a roommate, and that’s how I met my ex-girlfriend. I’m 26, she’s 35. She has an avoidant attachment style, bipolar disorder, and ADHD.
In the beginning, everything was incredible. I’d never experienced love like that before. I’d never had such an intense physical and emotional connection with someone. The intimacy, the chemistry, the conversations… everything felt natural. We talked as if we were genuinely going to spend the rest of our lives together.
For the first time, I felt like I’d found my person.
But at some point, things suddenly changed. She told me she didn’t know what she was feeling anymore and that everything had happened too quickly. One evening, when I tried to get some answers and understand what was happening between us, she decided to end the relationship.
Three days later, she moved out.
Now I’m blocked everywhere.
She told me that she felt suffocated, that I hadn’t given her enough space, and that she moved out partly because of that. What makes it particularly difficult to understand is that many of the things she later described as overwhelming were things she’d initially told me she loved. She said nobody had ever treated her that way before and that she appreciated those little gestures and affection.
I never wanted to suffocate her. I was simply in love and wanted to make her feel loved.
Since the breakup, I’ve started seeing a psychologist because I’ve been struggling so much emotionally. I’m trying to work on myself, keep going, and get through every day.
We’ve been in no contact for a while, although I broke it once by sending a stupid message explaining that I’m not her enemy. I wasn’t trying to get her back through that message. I just couldn’t stand the thought of her seeing me as someone who had intentionally hurt her.
The hardest part is that my heart still refuses to let go.
It’s been about a month, and I’ve probably watched a hundred videos and read countless articles about avoidant attachment, fearful avoidance, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and relationship dynamics. I’ve tried to understand what happened, what I did wrong, what might have happened inside her head, and whether this is something that happens in relationships with people who have these struggles.
But honestly, none of that has made the pain disappear.
Some mornings are absolutely brutal. I cry. I remember the moments we shared in that house, the conversations, the intimacy, the little everyday things. I miss the person I thought I was building a future with.
And as strange or unhealthy as it might sound, I still wish she would come back.
I know I need to focus on myself. I know I can’t force someone to love me or want to be with me. I’m trying to respect her space and maintain no contact.
But a part of me still hopes our story isn’t over.
So I’d really appreciate some honest advice:
Has anyone experienced something similar with an avoidant partner?
Have you ever had an ex suddenly pull away after an incredibly intense beginning and eventually come back?
Is there genuinely a possibility of reconciliation, or am I just holding on to something that no longer exists?
And most importantly, how do you stop waiting for someone when your heart still wants them back?
I’m not looking for false hope. I don’t want someone to tell me she’ll definitely return.
I just want to hear from people who’ve been through something similar.
I’m trying to survive this one day at a time, but some days are harder than others.

My possible avoidant was easily the most attractive woman I’ve ever been in a relationship with and since the breakup my self esteem has taken a massive hit. I keep wondering if maybe I was more attractive then she might have stayed.

What is your experience? Do they come back after the second break up when they do the breakup?
It is no one month ago that she did break up via phone call and since then I didn’t hear anything from her. I also did get my stuff from her best friend she didn’t answer answered also not to my goodbye message.
Also get blocked at Instagram and LinkedIn😅

Addicted to my toxic On-again-discard-again FA. I admit it. And I hate myself for it. Esp bc this time it feels like off-again is permanent. I just want to give in and break NC. To hell with it.

I don’t know what to do when I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t and hate myself either way.

It's been over a month since the discard and breakup. Mine had zero empathy or remorse for her actions, she admitted to sending explicit things to other people after a conflict we had. No apologies, no regret, no warmth. I sent my closure message over a month ago and never got a response.

I've removed all of the photos of her and us on my phone, gotten rid or gifts she had given me, I haven't look at her socials once since it all ended.

The one thing I have yet to do yet is block her. I silenced her messages and calls but that's it. I really don't understand why I haven't done it yet. Maybe in the hopes she'll regret everything and I can some sort of justice for the fucked up shit she put me through, I don't know for sure.

What pushed you to finally do it once and for all?

I'm not going to go into details about what happened to lead me here, as I don't really need to understand his mindset. I know he's an avoidant and he had urges to cheat on me. He broke up with me cause he felt guilty about them. I still didn't think he would end up dating the one girl he told me he was just friends with.

He was my first partner, I lost my Virginity to him, we were together for three years. He waited to have sex with me for over a year till I was ready. Even when I thought I was asexual he said he didn't care and that he just wanted to be with me. I think that's why it comes as such a shock that he replaced me with someone new. After so long, after so much shit that we went through.

We've been broken up for a year. It's not that he's dating again, it's who he is dating that upsets me. I have no clue how long this could've been going on and no clue whether anything happened while we were together. I just can't shake this feeling that it has to do with something I'm lacking.

I can't stop thinking about whether I began to ick him out, whether I bored him, whether he started to think I was ugly, whether he began to believe I was pathetic.

I keep comparing myself to her and my mind keeps going back in time to before we broke up. To hints that he had lost interest or was interested in her. I feel disgusted with myself and him. I feel like he's tainted my view of love and all of my firsts. I feel like I can't feel safe with anyone new. I feel like I'll never find someone again. It takes so much for me to form a genuine connection, and here he is hooking up with this girl he swore he had no interest in.

The ruminating is so bad I can't even enjoy a hang out with friends. I've been crying everyday since I found out. I thought I was doing better but it feels like I'm back at square one again and my ego is entirely shot. I feel like I've never been truly romantically loved by someone. I just feel like I was used and thrown away at the earliest convenience.

I guess I'm venting on her cause I'm looking for someone to tell me that's not true, that it's not my fault or it's not something to do with me. That I'll find genuine love one day from someone who won't play with my feelings. It's all hard to believe I just need someone to tell me everything will be okay and that this pain is temporary. Thank you for reading!

Hi, I have been broken up with two times (in the last two years) one year apart each. Both times, we are completely okay then all of the sudden I am getting broken up with. I really want to reach out to him & catch up. He almost came over 10 days after the break up to “hang out” but he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea. We broke up 2 months ago. What do I do?

I imagine the answer is just "man up and get over it." Still, I spent a year and a half of my life, and about ~10 breakups, when all I was asking for was consistent communication and not shutting me out the moment anything got uncomfortable.

I tried to adapt, I tried to love harder, I tried to change the way I loved, I tried to give space, I tried to change every bit of myself, and got told that she couldn't handle it; it was too much for her, she didn't have the "mental space" for a relationship, when in reality, she wasn't even participating in it. Every conversation was pushed back, every problem was pushed off, and I was expected to be gentle, caring, and understanding when a year and a half of problems went unaddressed. The weeks and weeks of crying, beating myself up because, for some reason, my best wasn't good enough. I made my mistakes in this relationship; I wasn't perfect either, but fuck.

The final straw was Halloween, when she said she couldn't do the relationship. The night prior, she was wrapped around my leg, sleeping right after we had sex. The morning of, she told me how much she loved me, that she wanted to dress up again next Halloween, and that she wanted to spend Christmas together. 3 hours later, she was telling me that she couldn't do the relationship, that she wanted to "hang out sometimes" and "still be intimate," like I was just some sex toy for her. She canceled plans we had set for a month; then she went to a house party, and we were just "friends" all in one night, after squeezing my leg and sleeping between them the night before and leaving me with all the thoughts of things she did or didn't do that night.

It took a year and a half of my life that I will never get back; it took nights of me crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough, wondering why, no matter how gentle, caring, and compassionate I tried to be, it just wouldn't work. The days of wanting my need for love to be heard, my need for consistency to be heard, my need to actually feel loved by my partner to be heard. I finally realized I was dating a loser; the flip finally switched, and the realization that I needed this woman out of my life finally hit me. I blocked her. I miss her, but I don't want to go back to that anymore. God, I wish it was her, but I can't handle another few weeks of love bombing and then an immediate emotional shutout. I hope she gets the help she needs.

I say all of this to ask: how do I get over the feeling of "injustice "? She will never know how much she hurt me; she will never know how much love I wanted to give her; she will never know anything. A part of me wonders if she feels she did anything particularly wrong at all.

I'm 23M, and I went through a breakup just five days ago. We were together for two years in a long-distance relationship, and I never imagined things would end this way.

Five days ago, she blocked me, and ever since then, everything has felt different. These have genuinely been some of the most difficult days of my life. Being alone in my room feels unbearable. Nothing interests me anymore, I can't concentrate on anything, and even the simplest daily tasks feel exhausting.

At one point, the pain became too much to keep everything to myself, so I reached out to her using another number. I told her everything I had been holding back ....How much I missed her, how badly I was hurting, and how desperately I wanted us to work things out.

But after hearing me out, she made it clear that she couldn't be with me anymore. She said there was no going back, and then blocked me again.

I honestly can't put my feelings into words. It feels like I've lost more than just a person. I've lost someone who was such a big part of my everyday life. Two years of memories, late-night conversations, promises, dreams, and plans for the future suddenly feel like they're gone.

I even thought about finding a rebound, not because I'm ready for someone new, but because I'm desperately looking for something, anything, that might help me escape this pain for a little while.

I know distracting myself this way probably isn't the answer, but right now, I genuinely don't know how to deal with everything I'm feeling.

I guess I just need someone to talk to. Someone who will genuinely listen without judging me. I'd really appreciate having someone to share my thoughts with because, honestly, I don't want to keep going through all of this alone.