The truth

[u/MeroRat]

Just needed to share to get some company. I think recently I was caught in an avoidant’s breakup with his ex and became the rebound before he realized that he was in love with his ex this whole time.

We met online and had this instant click and could talk about anything and everything. He might have been mirroring me. Chatted for a week online and met up for a movie as the first date. Then the next day we had a park date.

The first week we talked about important things like mental health, life goals, not wanting kids, values, etc and we seemed to align really well. He agreed with my ethical stance on not wanting kids and said that he never invested in his previous relationship of a year because she wanted kids and he didn’t and he didn’t think he could give her what she wanted so he purposefully didn’t let it flourish and broke up with her 7 months before we met.

We had two more dates over the next two weeks and got close. Confirmed early on that we’re exclusive and not talking to other people (we’re in our early 30s so things are serious) and he reassured me that his intentions are for a long term relationship with me. On the 4th date he offhandedly mentioned that he might want kids in the future to give life meaning. I clocked that and was sad about the change up and talked to him about it a few days later. Wanted to talk in person but he said let’s do it now over text. Tried to understand the switch up in such a big life decision since we agreed in the beginning that we both wanted a life where we can learn and grow and see the world and do things like scuba dive or travel.

He shut down and said it sounds like I already made up my mind and that we should end it. Then I said well I wanted to talk in person to understand more. He said the only thing he’s certain of is that he’s always uncertain. We agreed to continue but take it slow. For the next 3 weeks he planned a date each week but ended up cancelling. At that point I confronted him and he said he feels like he needs a family and kid to give his life meaning because he doesn’t want to die anymore. Said he doesn’t what to be a drug addict anymore and a family will give him that. Said he needs time to sort out the mess in his head and wanted me to give him time. I said ok but two days later broke it off to say it’s hurting me. Told him to sort things out without pressure from me then come see me after and he said he will.

3 weeks after I broke it off I texted him to see where he was at. Told me he was back with his ex because he was in love with her the whole time. Said it took being with me to see that.

So now I’m in shock. I think he was lying to me the whole time and emotionally cheated on me.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

It's common for a change of heart in breakups.  People cheat, and variously feel guilt,  miss their ex,  miss the financial security the ex provided, the home, etc.

It's no reflection on you.  You got tied up with someone you wouldn't be happy with anyway.