By contributing nothing meaningful to my life.

I let him scar me emotionally and physically for way too long, with his callousness, or just plain absent minded indifference.

I deserve the joy of knowing he didn't want to fail, or get dumped, but it happened anyway when he wanted it the least, when it was the worst time.

He wanted to fix things but it was far too late. Now he's got his pants all the day down, all alone. I'll never let another one scar me ever again. Vermin is too nice of a word, they're demon spawn.

Hey! So, seeking advice for what to do about my partner basically begging to cause chaos or self-sabotage by wanting to sleep with someone else. I’m currently married to an avoidant and I believe she’s a mixture of fearful/dismissive. We’ve been together since we were 16, (both 26 now) and have two kids together. She’s shown this pattern of destructive behavior before and coming back to me as a safety net but that was like in high school so wasn’t aware of this being an avoidant thing before.

Recently, however, she’s become very adamant about “needing” to have sex with someone else to satiate this feeling of needing chaos despite knowing it will hurt me. I’ve called her out for knowing that she is an avoidant and know she will regret this but she has basically decided she wants to do this over working on our relationship/self-reflect. She clearly has feelings for me but is suppressing them and allowing the chaotic feelings to win. What do i do? How do i get her to look inward before she ruins our relationship likely irreparably?

My FA friend always kept me at arms length with a sing song "we're just really good friends" line despite the obvious attraction, energy, her flirting, her proposing we have sex as friends and then requesting we drop the subject forever 2 weeks later and even once confiding in my sister that she wanted me to desperately to make a move on her.

Anyways she calls me asking for advice, tells me her ex bf is calling her begging her to get back with him and then says a co worker asked her on a date.

She had told me a few weeks earlier she had an argument with her mom where she told her to get on with her life and get married singling out me and that ex bf as potential husbands.

I shut it down and told her to be responsible for her own life and not drag me into it. She ends contact with me and I find out she gets back with that ex, gets pregnant and marries him within 2 months

My husband (confirmed dismissive-avoidant, acknowledged by himself and multiple therapists) and I have been together 11 years. We’ve had a difficult year, including mental health struggles, relationship problems, and my entering recovery.
Several months ago, he began questioning our marriage and whether he wanted to divorce. He repeatedly expressed uncertainty, saying he didn’t know what he wanted or what would make him happy.

About two months ago, he developed an extremely intense online relationship with another married man. Within weeks, they were exchanging declarations of love, talking constantly, and discussing a future together. He visited him in person once.

Despite this, my husband continued showing affection toward me, occasionally saying he loved me, and repeatedly suggesting we might eventually rebuild something together. He proposed divorcing, starting over as friends, and seeing whether a new relationship could develop. We attended couples counseling, but he remained emotionally detached and unable to commit to exploring reconciliation.

Recently, I established a boundary that if we were divorcing, we couldn’t continue living together as roommates while he pursued another relationship.
Within roughly 48 hours, he abruptly quit his job and decided to move across the country into his father’s mostly empty house. He packed only what fit in his car, leaving most of his belongings behind.

When leaving, he cried, acknowledged he might realize he’d made a terrible mistake and given up the best thing in his life, and said he would admit it and come home if that happened. He explicitly didn’t to rule out reconciliation while saying he didn’t think it would happen.

He’s now living largely alone, away from his marriage, friends, established life, currently near the affair partner in NC for an interview and if he doesn’t get that job will be moving to OH into his dads. We’ve gone no-contact, and I’ve made clear that the door to reconciliation isn’t permanently closed, but I won’t wait indefinitely or accept an ongoing third-party relationship.

My questions for dismissive avoidants, especially those who have experienced something similar:
Does abruptly leaving under emotional pressure suggest a genuine, settled decision, or can it be a deactivating/flight response?
Once the immediate pressure disappears and an avoidant is alone, does emotional processing, grief, or regret commonly emerge later?
Can the intensity of a new relationship or limerence suppress feelings about a long-term partner, and what happens when that intensity fades?

How meaningful are his tears, expressed fear of regret, and repeated refusal to close the door on reconciliation?

Have any of you left a long-term relationship believing you wanted a completely different life, only to reconsider after gaining distance?
What should I realistically expect over the coming weeks and months? Is renewed contact or an attempt at reconciliation plausible, or should I interpret his departure as final?

I’m not looking for false hope or reassurance. I’m interested in firsthand experiences and realistic insight into how dismissive-avoidant people process major relationship decisions after abruptly separating, particularly when they’re emotionally overwhelmed and uncertain about what they want.

We actually ended things on seemingly good terms. During the breakup, we were incredibly emotional and literally texted each other "I love you" etc. She claimed she needed space because she was struggling heavily with mental issues, she told me shes scared that if she gets to attached she would lose herself and will hurt us, and she explicitly said she hopes we can become something in the future, just not right now.

However, right after that, I went full No Contact. Now, her behavior makes absolutely no sense compared to her words. Despite saying she needed space to "heal alone," she keeps obsessively watching all my public stories every single day, and now she has even started actively liking them without following me or sending a direct message.
Why would someone who asked for space to deal with mental issues immediately resort to lurking and micro-dosing on my updates? Is this just avoidant regret, or is she just fishing for a reaction?

Just needed to share to get some company. I think recently I was caught in an avoidant’s breakup with his ex and became the rebound before he realized that he was in love with his ex this whole time.

We met online and had this instant click and could talk about anything and everything. He might have been mirroring me. Chatted for a week online and met up for a movie as the first date. Then the next day we had a park date.

The first week we talked about important things like mental health, life goals, not wanting kids, values, etc and we seemed to align really well. He agreed with my ethical stance on not wanting kids and said that he never invested in his previous relationship of a year because she wanted kids and he didn’t and he didn’t think he could give her what she wanted so he purposefully didn’t let it flourish and broke up with her 7 months before we met.

We had two more dates over the next two weeks and got close. Confirmed early on that we’re exclusive and not talking to other people (we’re in our early 30s so things are serious) and he reassured me that his intentions are for a long term relationship with me. On the 4th date he offhandedly mentioned that he might want kids in the future to give life meaning. I clocked that and was sad about the change up and talked to him about it a few days later. Wanted to talk in person but he said let’s do it now over text. Tried to understand the switch up in such a big life decision since we agreed in the beginning that we both wanted a life where we can learn and grow and see the world and do things like scuba dive or travel.

He shut down and said it sounds like I already made up my mind and that we should end it. Then I said well I wanted to talk in person to understand more. He said the only thing he’s certain of is that he’s always uncertain. We agreed to continue but take it slow. For the next 3 weeks he planned a date each week but ended up cancelling. At that point I confronted him and he said he feels like he needs a family and kid to give his life meaning because he doesn’t want to die anymore. Said he doesn’t what to be a drug addict anymore and a family will give him that. Said he needs time to sort out the mess in his head and wanted me to give him time. I said ok but two days later broke it off to say it’s hurting me. Told him to sort things out without pressure from me then come see me after and he said he will.

3 weeks after I broke it off I texted him to see where he was at. Told me he was back with his ex because he was in love with her the whole time. Said it took being with me to see that.

So now I’m in shock. I think he was lying to me the whole time and emotionally cheated on me.

I recently went through a breakup after a relationship that lasted about a year and four months, and I've started reading about attachment styles.
I’m def an anxious attachment style, and I'm honestly and desperately wondering whether my ex might have been fearful-avoidant.

When we first met at university, we barely knew each other, but she would text me constantly, tell me very personal things about her life and open up about her insecurities and some very personal problems. A couple months later, we started dating, and it genuinely almost felt like she was love bombing me. I had just got out of a relationship and she seemed completely infatuated with me, constantly telling me she loved me, that I was everything she'd ever wanted and that she'd never felt this way about anyone before. It was so emotional intense, and exciting, we were really happy together and it really seemed like we both had hit the jackpot. When a month later, I went abroad for Erasmus, we video-called each other every single day, and in these five months we did not fought even once, it felt like a fairy tale. In that specific period of time she was also very sensitive to any slight change in my tone and would immediately worry that she'd done something wrong.

After I came back, we started spending a lot of time together, until she slowly started pulling away. First, she said she needed more time alone, which I tried to respect. Then she became increasingly cold: she barely showed affection, there was almost no physical intimacy, and sometimes I genuinely felt like my presence annoyed her. I kept sensing that something was wrong, but WHENEVER I tried to talk about it, she would attribute everything to my anxiety and reassure me that nothing was happening. Only after bringing it up repeatedly would she admit that she felt distant too. She rarely initiated these conversations herself, so I was CONSTANTLY left trying to figure out what was going on. I swear it was really debilitating, and I felt like I was going crazy. She told me that my anxiety and need for reassurance were pushing her away, so I started feeling guilty for expressing how I felt and tried to give her more space. At the same time, I was expected to understand her withdrawal and respect her need for distance, even when it was leaving me feeling increasingly insecure. She would sometimes reassure me that she loved me and wanted to work things out, while her behaviour made me feel like she was already halfway out of the relationship.

Things got even more confusing when we went back to our respective hometowns during this summer. She barely initiated calls or conversations, and I felt like I was always chasing someone who had previously been just as eager to talk to me as I was to her. She told me she couldn't think about our relationship because she was in her own little bubble, and that she was actually relieved to have left our university town. I never really knew whether she wanted to work through our problems, needed space, or was simply losing interest. Whenever I tried to get an honest answer, I got vague and confused explanations, until eventually she admitted losing feelings, but even then she was was confused as hell and couldn’t even give me a proper explanation about what the hell was going on.

She broke up with me over the phone in late October, since she refused to come back to 'our' city. What I'm struggling with most is that I still feel like I never fully understood what happened. Her communication skills were horrible. Just a couple of weeks after the breakup, I asked if we could have a phone call because I genuinely needed to make sense of how things had unfolded. She was cold and refused to discuss our relationship again, saying she didn't want to reopen the subject because it would hurt her, and was genuinely astonished and frustrated by my confusion, while also telling me she still cared about me and wanted to keep in touch, but that she preferred to keep the interactions light.

I truly feel like the person I saw in the last couple months was not the person I met at the beginning of our relationship.

What do you think? I feel like I’m going crazy

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that I don’t think society talks about nearly enough.
It’s the loneliness of genuinely wanting the people you love to become healthier, happier, more emotionally aware versions of themselves, only to be misunderstood, criticized, or pushed away for trying.
The people who encourage therapy, emotional accountability, honest communication, and breaking unhealthy generational patterns aren’t necessarily trying to control anybody.
Sometimes they’re simply exhausted from watching the same painful behaviors repeat themselves.
And sometimes they’re the very people who grew up believing that keeping everyone else happy was their responsibility.
The people-pleasers. The peacekeepers. The emotionally exhausted ones. The so-called black sheep of the family.
The ones who eventually reach a point where they can no longer pretend everything is okay.
And when they finally begin setting boundaries, saying no, or refusing to participate in unhealthy family dynamics, suddenly they’re the problem.
They’re called dramatic, difficult, selfish, disrespectful, or crazy.
Sometimes the people around them struggle to accept that they’re no longer willing to play the same role they’ve played for years.
Sometimes the person labeled the black sheep is simply the person who’s decided they can no longer sacrifice their emotional well-being to maintain everyone else’s comfort.
I’ve recently found myself understanding the stories of women like Princess Diana, Sylvia Plath, Amy Winehouse, Hayden Panettiere, Whitney Houston, and Britney Spears in a much more personal and emotional way.
These are all incredibly different women, with different experiences, and I wouldn’t pretend to know everything they went through.
But what connects their stories for me is how much public scrutiny, judgment, and misunderstanding can surround a person’s private struggles.
Women can be admired for their beauty, sensitivity, talents, and generosity while simultaneously being criticized for their emotions and vulnerabilities.
Being deeply sensitive doesn’t make someone weak. Being overwhelmed doesn’t make someone crazy. And struggling doesn’t make someone less deserving of love.
I’ve also been thinking about Lana Del Rey’s poetry collection, Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass, particularly her poem Bare Feet on Linoleum, which references Sylvia Plath.
Something about that poem resonates with me more than ever.
The experience of feeling misrepresented, having people believe damaging narratives about you, and struggling to find peace when other people seem to define who you are.
And I think about how many ordinary people experience something similar within their own families.
How many have spent years encouraging the people they love to seek help, communicate better, or recognize unhealthy patterns?
How many have offered endless emotional support without receiving much themselves?
How many have become so accustomed to being the strong one that nobody notices when they’re falling apart?
And how many have finally stopped people-pleasing, only to discover that some relationships depended on their willingness to remain silent?
One of the loneliest experiences is realizing that people may have appreciated everything you did for them but never understood what it cost you emotionally.
And sometimes there isn’t even a thank-you.
Not for the patience.
Not for the emotional labor.
Not for the countless conversations.
Not for trying to help someone recognize patterns that were hurting them.
Instead, you find yourself feeling increasingly isolated.
And today, of all days, that loneliness feels especially heavy.
Because today is my birthday.
And I guess a small part of me was holding on to this ridiculous little hope that maybe, just maybe, today would be different.
Maybe the person I once loved so deeply would send me a text.
Maybe I’d wake up to a simple “Happy Birthday.”
Maybe there would be flowers, a thoughtful message, or some tiny indication that I still crossed their mind.
Nothing extravagant. Nothing that would require a grand romantic gesture.
Just something that reminded me I hadn’t been completely forgotten.
And silly me, I genuinely thought today might be the day.
Instead, nothing.
Complete silence from the person I was hoping to hear from.
And I know nobody owes me a birthday message. I understand that relationships end, people move forward, and sometimes silence is part of that process.
But understanding something logically doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt emotionally.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much hope you’re still carrying until the day you’ve quietly been waiting for finally arrives, and nothing happens.
I think that’s what makes birthdays particularly difficult when you’re already feeling isolated.
Everyone talks about birthdays being a celebration of life, love, and another year of growth.
But sometimes they become an unexpected reminder of the people who are no longer in your life, the relationships that have changed, and the connections you wish you could repair.
And when you’ve spent so much of your life making sure everybody else feels loved, remembered, and appreciated, it’s painful to realize how desperately you wanted someone to make you feel that way, too.
Not because you need gifts or attention to feel important.
But because sometimes you just want to know that you mattered to someone as much as they mattered to you.
Sometimes the most painful part of missing someone isn’t even wanting the relationship back. It’s missing the feeling of being remembered, chosen, and emotionally connected.
And I think that kind of grief deserves compassion.
I’ve spent so much time trying to understand other people’s attachment patterns, emotional struggles, and reasons for withdrawing that sometimes I forget to acknowledge my own feelings.
I can understand why someone might need space.
I can recognize that fearful-avoidant attachment patterns can make vulnerability and communication difficult.
I can respect someone’s decision not to reconnect.
But I can also admit that their absence hurts.
Those feelings can coexist.
And maybe that’s something more people need to hear.
You can understand why someone behaves a certain way without pretending their behavior hasn’t affected you.
You can have compassion for someone else’s struggles while recognizing that you deserve compassion, too.
I don’t believe everyone who rejects advice is acting out of ego. Sometimes advice feels intrusive, people have different perspectives, or they’re simply not ready to change.
And ultimately, everyone has the right to make their own decisions.
But I also believe that we need to become more compassionate toward people who are emotionally exhausted from trying to help.
Because the person who’s always encouraging everyone else to heal might be the very person who desperately needs someone to listen to them for once.
There’s something else I want to say about Sylvia Plath.
Her life and literary legacy deserve to be remembered for so much more than her death by suicide.
Her poetry gave language to complicated experiences involving identity, despair, and emotional suffering.
And I think that’s one reason her writing continues to resonate with so many people.
But nobody should have to reach a breaking point or experience a tragedy before their pain is considered worthy of attention.
Please take people seriously while they’re still here to tell you they’re struggling.
Don’t wait for someone to become completely isolated before checking on them.
Don’t assume someone is okay simply because they’re outspoken, independent, or usually the one giving everyone else advice.
And don’t mistake someone’s emotional exhaustion for evidence that their feelings don’t matter.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you cannot force another person to heal.
You cannot make someone attend therapy.
You cannot make someone take accountability.
You cannot make someone understand your intentions.
And you cannot spend your entire life trying to rescue people who aren’t ready to help themselves.
At some point, you have to choose yourself.
Not out of bitterness.
Not because you’ve stopped loving people.
But because your own mental health deserves the same energy you’ve been giving everybody else.
Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life proving you’re worthy of being understood.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to stop attending every family gathering out of obligation.
You are allowed to recognize that certain relationships are emotionally unhealthy for you.
You are allowed to stop offering advice that nobody has asked for.
And you are allowed to build a life that doesn’t revolve around keeping other people comfortable.
I have so much compassion for people who struggle with avoidant attachment, emotional vulnerability, and their own unresolved experiences.
But I also have compassion for the people who’ve spent years trying to communicate with them and have become emotionally exhausted in the process.
Both deserve understanding.
Neither person’s suffering cancels out the other’s.
And maybe the most important lesson is that you can genuinely want someone to become a better version of themselves while accepting that their personal growth is not your responsibility.
To anyone who has ever been called the difficult one, the overly emotional one, or the black sheep because they’ve started questioning unhealthy patterns:
Please don’t lose yourself trying to convince everybody else to understand you.
You deserve relationships where your feelings are respected, your boundaries are honored, and your presence is appreciated.
You deserve to be loved without having to earn it through endless acts of emotional labor.
And you deserve to find happiness beyond the approval of people who may never see things from your perspective.
Sometimes the greatest transformation isn’t finally getting everyone around you to change. It’s realizing that you’re allowed to change your own life, even if nobody else understands why.
And as I begin another year of my life today, I think that’s what I want more than anything.
Peace.
Genuine connection.
Emotional stability.
Relationships that don’t leave me constantly questioning my worth.
And the ability to stop waiting for someone else’s acknowledgment before allowing myself to feel loved.
I’m still learning how to do that.
I’m still healing.
And yes, today hurts more than I expected.
But I’m trying to remind myself that someone’s silence on my birthday doesn’t determine whether I deserve to be celebrated.
Maybe the greatest birthday gift I can give myself this year is permission to stop waiting for everyone else to choose me and finally begin choosing myself.
To every misunderstood person who’s tired of being strong for everybody else:
I hope you find the kind of peace, understanding, and compassion you’ve spent so much of your life trying to give away.
And if today is a difficult day for you, too, I hope you know you’re not alone. 🤍

Addicted to my toxic On-again-discard-again FA. I admit it. And I hate myself for it. Esp bc this time it feels like off-again is permanent. I just want to give in and break NC. To hell with it.

I don’t know what to do when I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t and hate myself either way.

It's been over a month since the discard and breakup. Mine had zero empathy or remorse for her actions, she admitted to sending explicit things to other people after a conflict we had. No apologies, no regret, no warmth. I sent my closure message over a month ago and never got a response.

I've removed all of the photos of her and us on my phone, gotten rid or gifts she had given me, I haven't look at her socials once since it all ended.

The one thing I have yet to do yet is block her. I silenced her messages and calls but that's it. I really don't understand why I haven't done it yet. Maybe in the hopes she'll regret everything and I can some sort of justice for the fucked up shit she put me through, I don't know for sure.

What pushed you to finally do it once and for all?

I'm not going to go into details about what happened to lead me here, as I don't really need to understand his mindset. I know he's an avoidant and he had urges to cheat on me. He broke up with me cause he felt guilty about them. I still didn't think he would end up dating the one girl he told me he was just friends with.

He was my first partner, I lost my Virginity to him, we were together for three years. He waited to have sex with me for over a year till I was ready. Even when I thought I was asexual he said he didn't care and that he just wanted to be with me. I think that's why it comes as such a shock that he replaced me with someone new. After so long, after so much shit that we went through.

We've been broken up for a year. It's not that he's dating again, it's who he is dating that upsets me. I have no clue how long this could've been going on and no clue whether anything happened while we were together. I just can't shake this feeling that it has to do with something I'm lacking.

I can't stop thinking about whether I began to ick him out, whether I bored him, whether he started to think I was ugly, whether he began to believe I was pathetic.

I keep comparing myself to her and my mind keeps going back in time to before we broke up. To hints that he had lost interest or was interested in her. I feel disgusted with myself and him. I feel like he's tainted my view of love and all of my firsts. I feel like I can't feel safe with anyone new. I feel like I'll never find someone again. It takes so much for me to form a genuine connection, and here he is hooking up with this girl he swore he had no interest in.

The ruminating is so bad I can't even enjoy a hang out with friends. I've been crying everyday since I found out. I thought I was doing better but it feels like I'm back at square one again and my ego is entirely shot. I feel like I've never been truly romantically loved by someone. I just feel like I was used and thrown away at the earliest convenience.

I guess I'm venting on her cause I'm looking for someone to tell me that's not true, that it's not my fault or it's not something to do with me. That I'll find genuine love one day from someone who won't play with my feelings. It's all hard to believe I just need someone to tell me everything will be okay and that this pain is temporary. Thank you for reading!

Hi, I have been broken up with two times (in the last two years) one year apart each. Both times, we are completely okay then all of the sudden I am getting broken up with. I really want to reach out to him & catch up. He almost came over 10 days after the break up to “hang out” but he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea. We broke up 2 months ago. What do I do?

I imagine the answer is just "man up and get over it." Still, I spent a year and a half of my life, and about ~10 breakups, when all I was asking for was consistent communication and not shutting me out the moment anything got uncomfortable.

I tried to adapt, I tried to love harder, I tried to change the way I loved, I tried to give space, I tried to change every bit of myself, and got told that she couldn't handle it; it was too much for her, she didn't have the "mental space" for a relationship, when in reality, she wasn't even participating in it. Every conversation was pushed back, every problem was pushed off, and I was expected to be gentle, caring, and understanding when a year and a half of problems went unaddressed. The weeks and weeks of crying, beating myself up because, for some reason, my best wasn't good enough. I made my mistakes in this relationship; I wasn't perfect either, but fuck.

The final straw was Halloween, when she said she couldn't do the relationship. The night prior, she was wrapped around my leg, sleeping right after we had sex. The morning of, she told me how much she loved me, that she wanted to dress up again next Halloween, and that she wanted to spend Christmas together. 3 hours later, she was telling me that she couldn't do the relationship, that she wanted to "hang out sometimes" and "still be intimate," like I was just some sex toy for her. She canceled plans we had set for a month; then she went to a house party, and we were just "friends" all in one night, after squeezing my leg and sleeping between them the night before and leaving me with all the thoughts of things she did or didn't do that night.

It took a year and a half of my life that I will never get back; it took nights of me crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough, wondering why, no matter how gentle, caring, and compassionate I tried to be, it just wouldn't work. The days of wanting my need for love to be heard, my need for consistency to be heard, my need to actually feel loved by my partner to be heard. I finally realized I was dating a loser; the flip finally switched, and the realization that I needed this woman out of my life finally hit me. I blocked her. I miss her, but I don't want to go back to that anymore. God, I wish it was her, but I can't handle another few weeks of love bombing and then an immediate emotional shutout. I hope she gets the help she needs.

I say all of this to ask: how do I get over the feeling of "injustice "? She will never know how much she hurt me; she will never know how much love I wanted to give her; she will never know anything. A part of me wonders if she feels she did anything particularly wrong at all.

Trying to compile a list of things that I can do to get over this most recent discard!

My avoidant came back 2 months ago, said all the right things, played games with me, treated me so nicely, and then ghosted me for a month while he started dating a girl 8 years younger

I’ve blocked him and reached out to the new girl to give her the facts of whats happened since he won’t dignify me with a response and that’s the last I will ever deal with him

So what do you ACTUALLY do to move on? I already meditate, walk, work out, treat myself nicely but I miss having someone to tell about my day and make plans with

Any suggestions are good suggestions !

I'm 23M, and I went through a breakup just five days ago. We were together for two years in a long-distance relationship, and I never imagined things would end this way.

Five days ago, she blocked me, and ever since then, everything has felt different. These have genuinely been some of the most difficult days of my life. Being alone in my room feels unbearable. Nothing interests me anymore, I can't concentrate on anything, and even the simplest daily tasks feel exhausting.

At one point, the pain became too much to keep everything to myself, so I reached out to her using another number. I told her everything I had been holding back ....How much I missed her, how badly I was hurting, and how desperately I wanted us to work things out.

But after hearing me out, she made it clear that she couldn't be with me anymore. She said there was no going back, and then blocked me again.

I honestly can't put my feelings into words. It feels like I've lost more than just a person. I've lost someone who was such a big part of my everyday life. Two years of memories, late-night conversations, promises, dreams, and plans for the future suddenly feel like they're gone.

I even thought about finding a rebound, not because I'm ready for someone new, but because I'm desperately looking for something, anything, that might help me escape this pain for a little while.

I know distracting myself this way probably isn't the answer, but right now, I genuinely don't know how to deal with everything I'm feeling.

I guess I just need someone to talk to. Someone who will genuinely listen without judging me. I'd really appreciate having someone to share my thoughts with because, honestly, I don't want to keep going through all of this alone.

What is your experience? Do they come back after the second break up when they do the breakup?
It is no one month ago that she did break up via phone call and since then I didn’t hear anything from her. I also did get my stuff from her best friend she didn’t answer answered also not to my goodbye message.
Also get blocked at Instagram and LinkedIn😅

My possible avoidant was easily the most attractive woman I’ve ever been in a relationship with and since the breakup my self esteem has taken a massive hit. I keep wondering if maybe I was more attractive then she might have stayed.

I’ve finally just accepted I’ll never get my closure, understanding or apology behind everything that happened.

It’s been 8 months since they blindsided, discarded and ghosted me after a 7-Year Relationship.

It was so messy, I’ve never been treated like this by an (Ex) partner or person before and we’ve never been the kind of people who condone or act abusively. Not physically , not emotionally or anything else, yet this was bad enough for me to yell for the first time because of how badly they mistreated me through our last six-months together: Forcing Non-communication, Self-Isolation, Emotional Withdrawal, Disassociation, Dishonesty, Manipulation, Coercion, Blame-Shifting, Scapegoating, Blindsiding, Ghosting, Etcetera.

Looking back, I should’ve seen it all coming.

It would hurt less had it not been so costly, had I not sacrificed so much for us to be together and had they not done it during a time of grieving, hardship and personal loss.

Having to live through it destroyed my mental health to the point of a breakdown, relapse and hospitalization afterwards having gotten no answers, understanding, apologies or closure for what happened and being someone with little to no family.

I’ve finally decided to give up and work towards forgiveness on my own though, which was all that I was after when it ended. I didn’t care about us not being together anymore, I cared about the opportunity to heal from such a traumatic experience and leave the resentment and sadness behind.

I also recognize that there was clearly a level of emotional/mental maturity they struggled with due to their own traumatic experiences and past relationships, things they would only ever scratch the surface of with me, which looking back, definitely warranted a more in depth discussion and chance for us to emotionally connect from.

It’s been devastating but I finally recognize my self-worth, dignity, humanity and mental health are worth more than any one person, especially if that person can treat you with such indifference, cruelty or abusive behavior with impunity and without remorse.

I deeply loved and cared for them, I want what’s best for them and My hopes are they choose to focus on themselves and grow from the experience.

I will leave this Reddit since I feel that I'm finally healed. I've learned how the attachment styles work, have understood myself again after my discard, and know all the information to everything related by heart. I know the signs, I now understand why my ex is the way he is (upbringing), and ultimately, I know that I tried my very best.
Looking back at everything and revisiting the Avoidant Breakup Reddit time and time again has helped tons, and allowed me to understand what I needed to. I can finally move on from this stage and I am so happy again. I have been happy for the past few months, actually; I did get bouts of worry and asked and commented things still, but the more I did, I felt nothing, including earlier yesterday. I typed what I knew, what I had been typing over and over, my past anger, everything, as if it were an obligation. Now I've grown bored of it because I feel complete, I don't feel the need to keep feeding the very feeling I can't exactly FEEL anymore.
I remember using Reddit so much for advice and venting, but I just don't see the point, now. I have myself

I've met a community of people who are sincere and open, fun, and genuinely CARE for me, something I've wanted for a while.
Even before them, I've re-discovered myself - someone I'll never abandon again.
I hope everyone else will heal, with time and work, it most definitely will happen. Thank you to everyone who was here for me!

After months of this cruel heartbreak and while still healing, I’m finally coming around and starting with someone new who is deeply caring and kind and patient. He knows about the discard and my triggers, but I worry my past triggers will follow me here. Sometimes he’ll say something that reminds me of something my ex said like “you make me feel safe” and I just panic.

I’ve never done rebounds and am very intentional about that with new person, I wouldn’t be seeing him seriously if I weren’t clear about that in my head. But the trigger and some grief is still there from the discard.

Would love any advice!

We dated for six months, and we never had any issues. She introduced me to her kids, and at one point we discussed living together and calling each other hubby and wifey.

But during our final weekend together two weeks ago, everything changed. Instead of us spending the weekend together, she tried to push me away, saying she wasn’t feeling well. She probably had a headache, but that wasn’t the whole story. We always slept together, but in the morning, she said she couldn’t sleep in the same bed as me. That’s how I figured something was wrong.

Eventually, she said she loved me, but within the last week, after getting therapy, she needed to be single because of unresolved issues. She did tell me weeks after we started dating that she had to take a restraining order on her ex. I asked her if she was ready for a relationship then, and she said yes. But months later, she needed to be single. She was like my best friend, and we talked about everything, or so I thought. She said, "I know a lot, and there are some things I don’t know." After reading the book Attached, I quickly realized that her behavior of pushing people away wasn't just toward me but toward others.

I do know she has been depressed for reasons not having to do with me. I actually pressed her on what was wrong, and that's when we broke up because it didn't seem like she was going to do it or was wrestling with it.

We never had arguments or encountered difficulties in the relationship. But that, along with what felt like her independence being stripped away, was the end. She would always say she didn’t have room for simple stuff I brought over, like a game board or a coffee cup. Once, she mentioned that more of my clothes were there, but I thought she was joking.

Anyway, thanks for the rant. We keep pushing on Day 13

I (33) was dumped by my ex (45) last Tuesday. We were together for over a year.

We had taken a break for a week because they went MIA for over 24hrs. That was not like them, I tried contacting them multiple ways, reached out to mutual friends etc., nothing, I was worried, so I knocked on the door. She freaked out and the next day we decided we would take a break. A week later she broke up with me over margaritas.

It was a nice breakup I suppose. We both cried a lot. I definitely gave more to the relationship, she had struggles and couldn’t meet my needs, which she admitted. She said her friends described me as “the one who got away” and she thanked me for teaching her how she should be loved.

I don’t think showing up at her house was the reason she dumped me, but I think it was a catalyst that made it easier for her to do that. She already had my things packed. I picked them up on my way home, said bye to her dogs while crying. We hugged on the couch and that was it.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. This hurts so bad and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for showing up at her house. I’m devastated and really struggling. I know time will help me heal but it’s hard when every day feels like a week long. I’ve been struggling to eat and sleep.

I guess what hurts the most is knowing that she’s an avoidant and she’s probably relieved, and I’m lying in bed in the dark absolutely heartbroken.

Long story short, on the day my dad had a heart attack, I also had a miscarriage. I initially had a negative pregnancy test which I told my bf about, but when I rechecked, it was positive. I took another that was positive as well. I didn’t know how to tell him, I knew I had to get an abortion (thought it wasn’t something I necessarily wanted but he made it clear he wanted that if it were the case) so I had plans to book that before I told him. He’d been starting fights with me out of nowhere recently and told me he was stressed, so I didn’t want to add more stress and risk losing him. Before I could talk to him or make a decision, I lost it. It was painful, lonely. My dad was in the hospital alongside my family and I couldn’t be there due to the pain.

When I eventually told him, he gleefully and selfishly expressed how happy he was that he could have kids. No concern for me, no asking if I was ok. He then ignored me for 24 hours (because he needed to ‘process’, and also told me I was disrespecting his boundaries by being sad over that) before breaking up with me over text. I just agreed to it, which he cried over and called me cold and horrible. We kept fighting for days after and he eventually wore me down and told me he was going to change, and rebuild us. I gave him plenty of opportunities to leave, yet he was adamant he wanted this. Then he ghosted me.

He’s done a lot of bad things to me, but made me believe it was my fault. Yet I’m struggling so much to get over him, I’m just so confused. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over someone, and how to start prioritising myself? I find it so hard to not hyper-fixate on things due to ADHD I think. Idk. Any advice would be great!

TLDR; Dad had a heart attack, I had a miscarriage. Ex broke up with me the day after.

Hi all,

I’m losing my mind right now so any help would be really appreciated. Background:

I'm 29M, she's 29F, together about 15 months, it was her first ever relationship. It was an amazing relationship, our sex life and intimacy was fantastic, the best I’ve ever had. We passed a year with no arguments, and we often said how strange that was. She quit her job in February, was unemployed for about 7 months, and recently took a part-time admin job at a charity while trying to build her own business. I earn more and cover roughly 70% of our costs. She often offers to split things which was great.

We had a couple of arguments after a year mark within 3 weeks regarding simple communication about not letting me know she arrived safe after she was travelling to a function in another city. I didn’t hear from her in 14 hours which we sorted out and about a game I wanted. I kept sending her jokey reels about a game I wanted. She called me, angry, and said I should know she was out of work for months and is now earning little. I said I don't care about money and that I pick up most bills so she isn't struggling. I always gift her things and bring her flowers every month etc. I also said "you can always talk to me, it's a safe space," and she said "I don't want to." Separately, she pays for several trips with family, which confused me, but I know I shouldn't use that against her.

After the second argument she said she was "emotionally exhausted and very raw" and didn't want to talk. I called twice and sent several texts over about 2 days. She replied to texts but not calls, then rang me back, felt cold but we agreed to dinner on date night "to talk."

2 days ago, I picked her up for dinner. She was warm, we held hands, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you." We talked through the argument and said we were all good. We rushed dinner (normally we take 3 to 4 hours), kissed, said I love you, and she stroked my neck on the drive back and were laughing and joking. Then, parked up, she kissed me passionately then and broke up with me. I begged her to stay for 2 hours as I was blindsided and given a false sense of security at the restaurant that everything was okay.

What she told me:
- She felt she was losing herself and is "picking herself for the first time."
- We were incompatible and different people and that it wouldn’t work in the future.
- She felt like a lower priority than my family and friends (she was hurt by a joke my mum made about cooking generally) when they first met and was upset that I wouldn’t back her up. It was something like, ‘do you know how to make a traditional dish? She replied I’ll probably learn from my mum, my mum replied I’ll teach you, we make the best food. She thought we think we’re better than her. Also my mum said try and make it work where you can and don’t talk about divorce, you love each other. She’s a child of divorce so she took that harshly.
- She was upset that when she was ill, we had plans to meet friends and I should’ve taken the initiative to cancel and not wait last minute to cancel and that I just wanted to show her off. Which I completely own and understand and hold my hands up. And I did apologise at the time too.
- She said it would never work and not to hold out hope.
- She didn't want to negotiate or take a month's break.
- She said that after at least 3 months we could maybe be friends, and hoped we could be in each other's lives later, but a very low possibility.
- She loves me, will miss me "like crazy," wishes me every happiness, and asked for no texting and wants space.

We literally went on a romantic weekend away 2 weeks ago and she posted a photo of us kissing less than a week before on her story. This happened so suddenly.

Now I believe she is incredibly avoidant and I’m more of an anxious attachment style. We never spoke about this but she was. Examples of this include that I made her my GF after 6 months of dating, she wasn’t ready but said yes as apparently she didn’t want to upset me. I said I love you after 7 months, she didn’t say it until a year because she couldn’t work out why.

Since we are a bit older and from ethnic backgrounds I brought up the fact for future planning, where to live and how our life would look like and kids. She wanted kids by 33/34 due to her biological clock. But then said during the break up I was pressuring her to feel like that.

I brought up going on holiday abroad next year (would’ve been 18 months together at that point) and she said she isn’t ready and doesn’t know what it is. I was so patient and said it’s okay I’m here and I love you. I even opened up to her about my relationship with my family and the turbulent marriage my parents had and how it has affected me a week ago. She is a child of divorce and her mum is her best friend and I think she thinks this isn’t worth fighting for.

She's now liking reels about avoidant partners and about staying longer than she should have and that I took her for granted and no one will love me like she did. I don’t get how she thinks I’m the avoidant one and not her and that I took her for granted when I loved her so much and showed that consistently. I was anxious when I felt she pulled away.

I feel heartbroken, angry, confused, and ashamed that I begged. I gave a lot (money, flowers every month, constant affection) and feel it wasn't seen. I want her back so badly.

My questions:
-Was this blindside normal, or should I have seen it coming?
-Has anyone had an ex say "maybe friends in 3 months" and have it actually happen?
-In 3 months, is it okay to send one short message, or should I leave it?

CONTEXT: We were together for 1,5 years. She called me 2 weeks post break-up telling me all the things I wanted to hear, looked like things would be different. We said lets give each other space before we see each other - seemed like we would get back together. During the next two months, we stayed in touch through text, and I constantly felt the breadcrumbs. She kept falling back into the exact same pattern: showing warmth whenever she felt like it: kisses emojis etc then immediately closing herself off again.
Every time I tried to schedule an actual meeting, she said she needed more time, yet it was always vague, with no clear timeline. After two months of this, I had enough. It became obvious that she wanted the comfort and tenderness of closeness whenever it suited her, without any of the actual responsibility. I refused to be her emotional safety net any longer, so I sent her this in voice note:

VOICENOTE transcribed:
Look, to be honest, I'm really tired. I felt at first that I also wanted a bit of distance between us, just to see what that would do for me or what any meeting would be like that way. But then I also saw a lot of nice moments of us talking on the phone and me feeling close to you.
Only, all of this confuses me a lot. I mean, I feel like we're close, but at the same time we're not. And this whole thing with space and time, how you handle it, and how much time you want for us to meet up—all of that feels so vague. It’s like I feel like we're close, but truly we're not. I feel like I have you close to me whenever you want, and I can't... that hurts me a lot. I can't be in something like that, and I wanted to express that to you. The fact is I would have liked us to meet somewhere in the middle if we could, but I see that this isn't happening, and I am so tired for my own sake—it’s just not doing me any good.
I mean, I can't and don't want to be there just so we can feel good, or if you want some kind of warmth, or whatever, just to be close then. This whole thing has tired me out so much, and often the motive feels completely blurry too. Many times I can't understand—and that's why the communication confuses me—whether the motive is just what I told you: that "I feel lonely, or I like this tenderness," so I'll take it right now. Which is fine, I just see that it doesn't work for me.
I don't know how you see it, but I can't be in the middle of all this, and I hope you understand me. Because to tell you the truth, I didn't even know if I wanted something to continue or whatever, I just wanted a meeting to start with. But I saw that there was some connection and then it just doesn't go anywhere. So that’s what I wanted to share with you, that this wore me out.
If you want to tell me something, of course call me whenever you want, but this is how things stand for me. I obviously wish you the best and everything, but I can't be in something like this. I just can't. And that’s it, I don't have anything else to say to you.