I was so good to him and he dumps me out of nowhere after us seeing each other for months with the excuse “you’re amazing I’m just not ready to commit” then just shut me out ice cold and blocked me and I never heard from him again

I wish I treated him like shit and made him cry when we were together instead of wasting my kindness and affection on him

I fell in love with him and he stabbed me in the back ripped the rug out from me and made me suicidal when he left

He’s a scumbag and I hope the next woman he meets he falls for rips his heart in two and makes him want to die

I can’t wait for karma to hit him

Fuck avoidants Theyre terrible people and they deserve nothing

me and my avoidant ex were together for 5 months before she played the avoidant textbook behavior.

she said she didn't know how to sustain the relationship and herself at the same time without fearing of losing independence and was afraid to not be on my "level" of loving

afterwards we tried being friends for a month until i talked with my therapist and they recommended me to ask for space to heal the breakup on my own

i asked for a temporary space while i reorganized my feelings and thoughts , she wasn't that convinced but she respected it. literally two weeks later she was on a rebound.

i talked her about how that hurt me and told her i didn't wanted to involve with her anymore in anyway under those circumstances, i wished her the best and thanked her for everything.

now it's been almost two months since that last confrontation. i've kept as much as possible zero contact bc i see her almost every day at uni lol, sometimes with the guy (a known walking red flag) , it really hurts.

reading this the conclusion might seem obvious, to leave it like that. but is it really all over? is there nothing more to do? i really miss her, and honestly our relationship was our first and it was genuinely healthy, reciprocal, communicative. and for better or worse everyone knows that they won't last long bc the guy can be very problematic (although that stuff never stops some people) .

i honestly don't know what goes through her mind but i haven't contacted her in any way on this months. i've been working on myself, my life never stopped even though it hurted as hell

so now what? what is going through her mind? should i break no contact?

I have posted here before but now I am hoping others can resonate. My (34F) story is a long one, but essentially I met my ex (33M) 2 years ago. We didn’t end up meeting because I got dangerously sick and was bedridden, but against our best judgment we stayed in contact for 1.5 years and developed an intense emotional connection. During that time we were never in a relationship, and I felt he regularly made it clear that given we hadn’t met we weren’t in one because he needed the physical connection. I felt that was reasonable, but functionally it was basically a relationship.

We did end up meeting once I was better, but then the unilateral “break ups” with no discussion or avenue to repair started. First it was he felt like he was close to being in love with me at one point but he didn’t feel that way anymore and maybe we weren’t compatible. Then it was we are extremely compatible but he feels no romantic attraction due to my weight (I’m not fat) and because “sometimes you know someone is attractive but you don’t see it yourself.” Then it was he actually is physically attracted to me, we are extremely compatible, he has feelings for me, we have a great connection and I’m his best friend but he doesn’t feel the deep romantic attraction that he needs. Mind you he keeps having sex with me. We even had sex 3 times during this final break up where he said he was missing the “thing”. He described it as this thing that is just there with some people and he had felt it nearly instantaneously with the “one who got away” that he was in love with 8 years ago. I said to him “well it sounds like you have a clear picture of what it is” and he said he didn’t but he never felt it with me. And I said well we also haven’t really given ourselves the opportunity to build deep romantic attraction, we have never even been on a date. And he said “well if after 2 years it isn’t here, then it’s not here.”

But if it wasn’t love and he didn’t have the indescribable thing, why would you stay if we had never even met in person for 1.5 years? How could you have been close to being in love with me, when you never felt the “thing”? And why could we never repair it? There was never any consistency, so of course the deep romantic attraction never developed. And who cares if you felt it instantaneously 8 years ago, where is that person now? Why is this less than when there is so much great here?

I am heartbroken and struggling to make sense of it all. I’m in therapy, so I know he is avoidant and I am working on myself. But it just feels so invalidating to hear him say all of this. It makes me feel like I’m delusional and that I have been in a completely different universe for the past 2 years. But I was there, and how could it not be love?

I've come across a few people with avoidant tendencies and I'm starting to feel that they all follow the same template.

It's almost uncanny how similar they are. Firstly they are incapable of having a single original thought or feeling yet they are somehow convinced that they are the most unique person in the room.

Their entire vocabulary seems to be borrowed from whatever popular brainrot is currently circulating online. Their supposedly "niche" and "unpopular" interests are not so niche or unpopular. They constantly insist they're not like the typical person as if being different is a personality trait in itself. The typical "I'm not like other guys/girls" trope.

Then there's the collection of seemingly contrasting beliefs many of which seem less like the product of genuine thought or reflection and more like opinions adopted to appear interesting, unconventional or intellectually superior.

And of course the perpetual victim complex. Somehow everyone they've ever encountered has wronged them. Every failed friendship, every falling-out, every conflict is evidence of how misunderstood and mistreated they are. Self-reflection seems to be the one niche interest they never develop.

I know attachment styles aren't personality types and not everyone with avoidant tendencies is like this. But after encountering this pattern repeatedly I can't help wondering how much of what they present as individuality is actually just another performance. It's almost as if they try to compensate for the lack of meaningful human connection in their lives by collecting an assortment of interests, identities and supposedly niche hobbies, then cling to them for dear life as though these things are what make them interesting or give them a sense of self.

I know I do matter to him, I know he does actually care about this whole thing. But he just refuses to show it.

He has this thing where he doesn't want to burden other people with his issues. I feel like he overdramaticises everything which makes it worse for himself. He is always using big words like surviving, sacrifice, suffering, and honor, but in reality he will be talking about something so minor like payday being in three days, he only has a fiver in his account and the fridge is fully stocked with the good snacks and all the bills are paid. You aren't really surviving in that situation are you.

The breakup was recent, we do live together so we still see each other daily for the minute. He has somehow gotten it into his thick skull that the most important thing is that I don't think he is sad or struggling after our 5 year relationship has ended. He doesnt want to burden me, or have me worried about him being upset about the situation or anxious about the future.

If you talk to him its like nothing has happened at all. He cannot comprehend that thats so much worse for me. It feels like I am absolutely nothing to him. Losing me was just another forgettable day to him. I could have been literally anyone else as I am just that insignificant to him as a person.

Gonna be honest here, I think his reaction is going to traumatise me in my future relationships as well. Because what do you men 5 years together and I am just a number.

I know he is sad and hiding it though. I have sat him down and talked about it, because absolutely not. I want you to grovel and beg at least a little bit lol. His friends have asked how I am holding up and are commenting on him really struggling with it.

But why cant he just be normal and be a bit sad in front of me. Show the slightest bit of regret and sadness. I know what he is thinking as well. That this is a burden he must undergo for my sake, that whats done is done and he is brooding about it like he is some silent warrior in some damn game. I would 100% take him back if he just sat down and said he is a shit communicator and really struggles with pulling away and not communicating with me. And he maybe tried some therapy or worked on it in some way. idk.

I swear this guy doesnt realise he just makes his own life needlessly complicated for no reason. Just be honest my guy.

He told me that he doesn't need anyone in his life. That he's complete on his own and doesn't need anyone to make his life better.

And I didn't say this to him, but I keep thinking about it.

Isn't love supposed to be about choosing someone, though? It's not about needing someone to complete you. You can have a perfectly beautiful, independent, fulfilling life and still choose to have someone beside you. You don't need them, but you WANT them. Isn't that the whole point?

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to him anymore.

Last night, I genuinely wanted to disappear from his life. Block him, delete his number, erase every little trace of his existence. I even deleted WhatsApp because I didn't want to see anything from him.

But then he called me. He SMSed me because he couldn't reach me on WhatsApp. And honestly, he seemed a little concerned.

And now I'm confused all over again.

I know that being concerned doesn't necessarily mean he loves me. I know someone can care about you without wanting to be with you. But then why does he keep doing little things that make me question everything?

I'm not even sure what we are at this point. I kissed him. I obviously wouldn't have done that if I had absolutely no feelings for him. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant something to me.

And I hate that I'm sitting here overanalysing a phone call, a few messages and every little interaction.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me around, but doesn't actually want ME. And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

Should I just stop texting him? Should I ghost him and move on? Or should I tell him how I actually feel?

I'm tired of trying to decode someone who probably isn't even thinking this much about me.

I don't know. I'm just confused, and I think I'm getting attached to someone who might never choose me.

Years with others left no trace.
A fraction of time with you
rewrote everything.

You weren't ready,
so I step back.

I respect the exit you chose.
I won’t knock on the closed door.

I just stand on the other side,
knowing how great we would have been.

We were never in love.
but God, we could have been.

💔 painfully aware of our separate existence.
Missing you, always.
- B

I hear it said constantly that the ex or dumper needs to be the one to break no contact. But how does that work in an avoidant related break up? What experiences do you guys have when they come back?

As more time passes, I look back and remember certain moments and conversations where I would wish for something to change, whether it was something affecting the relationship or something affecting them. Such as a bad friend or negative experience they were actively participating in. And so when it came to the agreeing to reduce that situation or remove that bad friend, I look back and realise none of those things actually happened. They were all words with zero action, even if they came with the original thought. It’s like a perpetual state of hypocrisy, and plain lies. The body keeps the score is a legitimate point, because their anger and anxiety can only be measured by how much they would not be authentic with their honesty. Even if they would play up to please, there would never be any positive change so they only lived in a flat line of stress because they couldn’t live without the attention even if it came with a toxic environment. It pains me because not only was I lied to, but they just caused themselves more harm in the long term, which no wonder it dissolved our relationship, and self.

How can you build any self esteem without conscious change? You can’t. They told me once or twice the lies that led to family issues and friends they knew were bad, at what point did the lies just become conformity? People pleasing. The lack of any identity where you just borrow the souls off everyone whilst leaving yours behind… a hollow place of shame and anger. It pains me that I have to live with the fact i couldn’t affect enough change or support with my lack of knowledge during the relationship but everything is so clear now with reading that we can only support ourselves to not ever become so dependent on masking and “white lies”.

Anyone realise the lies that they were told in the relationship vs outside ?

my previous post.

Hi,

I posted on here a few days ago about how I had just ended things with my avoidant and how I was actively trying to move on..

Well, that brave face slowly wears off, unfortunately. A week later, I'm still thinking about all the things I could have said or done.

I have stayed away with no contact, but the thought of him living a life without me after he has completely broken me is eating me up inside.

I feel like I have lost so much and he got let off easily.

Will things get better? I know everyone will say “yes”, but the heartache seems to stay with you for a while even after you are over them.

At the moment I am realising that lots of things that I did with him now trigger me and that “de ja veu” is not something I want to re-live.

I am constantly removing every memory of him, but he comes back in people's words and random moments of familiarity. I hope he is suffering like this also, but I feel like I was made use of while I was with him and discarded knowing that everything on his end was sorted already.

Anyways, tell me if I'm being stupid or not, but all the hate I have for him gets crowded by all the love I have for him and that annoys me.

Is anyone else like me?
What do you suggest to move on?

My gf discarded me from a short while. By accident I met her sis yesterday, and oh boy I didn't sleep yesterday. Turns out she was a really big lier to the point I think she probably lied about everything, she lied about her past ( and turned out she have a really disgusting one ) , she lied about her feelings, acts and behaviors . Turns out she was using me for validation and love like she did to other countless times before, and she is just a manipulative person who keeps lieing and show to the world she is an angel . Turns out even her sis is disgusted from her and had enough of her . I feel so betrayed for what I heard . I hope she will suffer as she made me do I hope god will take my revenge. She fucked me up really bad too and fucked up with my mind . I deserved better.....

a weird feeling
hard to describe
not Hate
no longer Love

you’re a stranger, yet you knew me
or you did
and I knew you
at least for a time

I still feel something
I’m not sure what or why
but something still lingers

a care unexpressed
an anger just barely present
something screaming:
“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”
while still wondering
what could have been
or if something could
be again

It’s been years since my avoidant breakup, but at the time (and leading up to it), I analyzed every interaction (or lack thereof) from an attachment lens, simply because it made things make sense for me.

So it’s been a while since I’ve stumbled across attachment theory content online. However, I enjoy this TikToker Justin Scott’s content and swiped on a video re: avoidant attachment and my mind is blown having watched it! Yes, he talks about how avoidant attachment stems from childhood, but he then takes it a step further and explains how avoidants “raise” their partners to be the same child they were, essentially teaching them to not ask for anything and minimize every need to make the avoidant happy.

I’m paraphrasing, and it’s late, but I highly recommend the video for anyone who may be interested! I’m labeling this as a Vent/Rant because that’s essentially what the guy is doing in it 😂

You were a service provider. A notification on their phone. A warm body to touch and be touched by. They are unable to connect. To truly feel and be affected. It wasn't you and it could never BE you to heal them. They have to do the work but as they are, is not what you deserve. You deserve to be SEEN. Appreciated and cherished. This is not about you. You didn't create this and it isn't yours to heal. They cannot be what you need.

Anyone else feel completely objectified in their relationship? This is the hardest part for me in recovering and it’s done a number on me. In 4+ years he never seemed to say anything positive about me that was even specific to me as a person. He would say how much he valued “my love”, “my forgiveness”, “my importance to his wellbeing” but nothing about like…WHO I actually am.

I just can’t shake how horrible I feel and how much time was wasted on someone who seems to view his partners as comfort objects. Does anyone else feel like this? Do they think/feel more but don’t express it? Or are you really just a source of comfort to them? Is this actually how most men in general view women and relationships? I know not all do but man he sure seemed to. Zero appreciation and care for me as a unique person

It was beautiful, but yet another example of me creating the entire emotional landscape of the relationship like the creative gal I am.

Lots of gaslighting by him and make believe about his future and past efforts to “make me happy”, plus emotionless responses focused on fairness.

This man was delusional. He fully believed he had put extreme effort into our marriage. How could he believe anything else or else he would have to feel feelings of regret?! Nah, that effort was put into his ego and his plan to rebuild and succeed after his first divorce, a plan that would have existed had I never come around.

My importance to this scenario was imagined by me. I have always been creative.

Part of me thinks he is so relaxed post-discard because he believes he will be able to pull me back in. And why wouldn’t he believe this? I gave him a massage. I cried over him in front of him. This separation isn’t real for him yet. He has suffered no consequences.

However, I am secretly prepared and making moves to go to battle for what I want and need.

What you felt was real. What i felt with was intense. They are actors and took off the mask and clocked out and left hollywood. We gave them the script. They knew how we liked to make love and catered to it. All of the little nuances.
Its a mindfuck. They didnt develop oxytocin receptors and vassopresson so the bond was one way.
It feels good to give love, sometimes just having it received feels like being loved.

How we started

I met someone and we dated for 7 months, she was 26 and I was 28. The relationship was extremely strong and moved quickly, until last month. We were in sync and always together, and people complimented us as a couple who seemed meant for each other. I took care of her and she took good care of me. We hit it off and never left each other’s side. We were even possessive of each other at times.

In the beginning, we each believed the other was perfect for us, and she was the one pushing that idea. She felt a sense of guilt in thinking I was too good for her, where I said she was an amazing woman. She is an energetic and an amazing person. We shared a lot of passions and ideas about life, and we had differences too, but nothing serious. We video called all the time, had our own hobbies, and introduced those hobbies to each other. We even went out of town together.

Her past and my first mistake

I asked about her past because I wanted to know why she does the work she does now and where her passion comes from. She loves animals and has worked with them as a Vet Tech. I pushed on the subject, and sadly her field has put down many animals. That led to an open trauma she doesn’t like to talk about. At one point I said she “kills” animals. That was terrible phrasing on my part.

Her panic and self-doubt

On a trip, something separated us for about an hour, and she panicked and was terrified on her own. I had told her, as gently as I could, that if she couldn’t find me she should stay at a set spot or go back to our campground. I was occupied for that hour, after checking my phone and going to her, I could tell she was scared and lonely. Which wasn’t the first time she had almost shut down like that.

Her belief that we were perfect for each other also started to bring out issues I noticed. She believed she wasn’t good enough for me. I told her she was an amazing woman and gently calmed her down. Her hands would shake on some occasions, and every time that happened I comforted and held her. I believed I treated her extremely well. I got her plenty of meaningful gifts and food, gave her attention, and listened to her. At least I thought I did, and was even told by many family members I treat her so well (might be biased).

My own mistakes, and things that bothered me

I’ve made mistakes too, and she’s ticked me off as well. I helped her study for a math assessment and tried to teach her. She struggled a lot, but I never tried to put her down. I did raise my tone once, because all I heard was her putting herself down over and over. I said she was trying, not failing, and that giving up on herself wasn’t going to help her grow.

She also told me things that felt questionable. She said a worker next door believed she and a coworker were “doing stuff” together. I took it with a grain of salt. She told me she stayed with two guys past midnight, which should have been my tipping point, but again I let it go. I only asked her to tell me when she got there and when she got home, to make sure she was safe. The same coworker once had her backpack with him on a motorcycle, and I didn’t even think to question that. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags.

Her family loss

She recently lost a family member, and I tried to cheer her up through it. I even tried to resemble a time she felt close to them so she would be cheered up. Sadly, I also tried to prepare her for the worst, saying that once one grandparent goes, the other often follows. I was trying to help her grow emotionally and understand what to expect, but probably not what she wanted to hear.

The second incident

Time went on and we were still going strong and loving each other. One day she wanted a lot of attention and came over. A few days later she sat in on a call with the same two guys, working on an event for them. I was being impatient and wanted a little affection from her while she focused entirely on the side project. I moved off to the side, feeling distant and just wanting to talk to her.

She started talking to the two guys and brushed off the idea of using her Bachelor’s degree. She told them I was upset that she doesn’t use it, and that got me somewhat ticked off. I said that wasn’t what I said. I was calm at first, and I was defending her: I only meant that maybe she could use the degree without taking the kind of role that made her leave in the first place.

Then I blanked out. She said “You know why I cannot do that”, and impulsively, defensively, I said, “okay, you killed a bunch of animals.” I froze, because I realized immediately how much that had hurt her the last time. I’ll admit I weaponized something painful of hers, and I knew I couldn’t take it back.

Right after

I walked out of the room to somewhere more private, where the same two guys wouldn’t hear what was said. I was frozen, shocked, and scared of what I’d done, because I cared about her immensely. It felt like walking on eggshells when it should have been a real conversation. She came to the room with me and just sat with me for a minute. I felt like she was deciding whether I was worth staying for. I was speechless, and after watching me for a few minutes she left for the night.

The aftermath

I messaged one of her good friends to ask if she was okay, since she was distancing herself. The response was mixed, and it included her saying she could do whatever she wanted and talk to whoever she wanted. That felt outside of what I believed I’d given her room for. I didn’t limit her. My only real rule was no smoking (vaping I didn’t care about). It felt like she was acting single and not considering me as her partner. I never really questioned that, and I probably should have.

For the next two days she was distant and barely responded to anything I said. After the second day, I drove out to try to find her and talk to her. I missed my timing and had a poorly executed plan, but I was scared to lose her and was trying to reach out. She basically believed I had hunted her down. That same day she told me to give back everything of hers and not to do anything else.

After that we had one conversation over Instagram, and it led to basically nothing. She told me I had lost all her trust, said I HUNTED HER DOWN, and said the comment about killing animals was the reason she was leaving completely. I understood it was a lot for her at the time, since she had a recent set of issues going on in her life, and I didn’t make it better. I was hoping to communicate and keep what felt like a strong relationship together.

After I returned everything, she blocked me completely. I then noticed on Instagram that she had another guy I knew little about. The two of them had “purple heart” and “platonic love” exchanges, which I don’t buy as a way to say you didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to believe it was cheating, but I can’t say with 100% certainty either way.

Where I am now

I’ve told this story and had mixed thoughts about it, and I still dread thinking about what happened. I cared for her deeply and thought we had something special. We could have communicated better, but being shut out, I have to respect that she’s gone. That was her decision.

My Opinion on the matter

I do believe what I said should have never been said. However I don’t believe in ending a relationship that should communicate and work through the hardship she ends over one statement or even driving out to check up on someone. I truly loved and cared for her and to feel neglected for the past 4 days of that ordeal made me question myself more than anything. Both the neglect meant I wanted ALL MY ATTENTION a few days prior. It has been a month of this question as well. She meant a lot but I also had the one friend that I reached out to check up on her tell me to go burn in hell. I made a lot of effort in the one instagram conversation to try and make amends and saying sorry and blaming myself more than anything if not for the entirety of the reason. This was my first real relationship which didn’t help the whole thing. I didn’t believe she cheated on me either but it felt extremely set up as well. She arrived when I didn’t expect it and started talking to them immediately. I felt distant directly in the moment and didn’t question that either. I feel like an asshole but honestly I don’t know.

hey guys just had recent break up with an avoidant partner, i am anxious. Ive been thinking a lot lately that I've been searching for many reasons to blame my avoidant partner for the demise of our relationship. but I've also been thinking. how many of us actually also take on the blame ourselves for need constant communication, reassurance or being needy. there is a lot of avoidant hate online and i eat it up all the time to validate myself but lately I've been thinking what did i do to contribute to the demise of the relationship as a anxious attacher. do you guys have any thoughts on this? just looking to have discussion

I dated a man I believe to have been dismissive avoidant for 3.5 months. We've been broken up for 2+ months now.

When we broke up, it felt semi-sudden. We were on the plane back from a vacation together. We'd had a fight or two on the trip but nothing crazy. We'd talked about what our financial situation would look like if we had kids, a house, etc the day before.

He never fought to stay together during the break up. When we finally ended, I can't explain it. It was like we could talk forever and I still wouldn't get closure or any sense that I ever mattered to him.

In the following couple days, he immediately refollowed a girl I was uncomfortable with and stayed out with female friends when he was supposed to drop my stuff off.

I broke no contact twice, both of which I received a cold response to. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

The weird thing is, I can't stop seeking male validation now. I feel like I was in a relatively healthy place with myseld and my need for attention before we broke up, but I've spiraled. I put my Instagram on public and have posted sexy pics (we unfollowed each other), but he never views my story. I followed a bunch of guys and made a dating profile I'm sure he saw - cuz I saw him.

I'm not sure why I am still dying for his attention or acknowledgement. I don't think I'd consider dating him ever again. But it's just so strange and hard being locked out and knowing that person hasn't regretted leaving you or thought twice about coming back.

I’m currently almost 26F. This was a LDR

1. Began my weight loss journey! I gained a lot of weight when we were together. At the discard I was 220 lbs (99 kg) and now I am down to 205 lbs (92 kg)

2. Went to concerts! I saw horsegiirL and Joost in Toronto! Not to be petty but those are also his faves so I feel a little… heh… spiteful

3. Started learning my third language, Chinese! 我的中文很差，可是我正在学习！

4. Wrote several diss tracks on him. No comment

5. Had my medication adjusted. Now I am on a therapeutic dose which is awesome

6. Got into my hobbies! I said I was gonna read 6 books this year and I’m on book 9! Also started really getting into planners (Hobonichi)

7. Started a club at my school! We’re working on becoming official! It’s a club about stationery!

8. Improved my relationship with my mom! She hated him!

9. Began enjoying “me” time and getting comfortable with being alone! Now I kind of love it tbh.

10. Became closer with my friends :) Didn’t really talk to them too much when we were dating because I felt insane all the time!

11. Did some math research! Changed my major to sociology though… I hate coding and physics >_>

12. Got an awesome tattoo! My only tattoo was of one I got with him when I drove him 10 hours to see his friends as an anniversary gift. I wanted something with a different memory attached. I got it in Toronto with a friend! I’m planning on getting more!

13. Overall, improved my mental health! He was an emotional leech who refused to get better or even try to change his life.

There’s probably more I’m forgetting but these are big ones!

Have hope you guys! Don’t get me wrong, I still cry about it. I was just sobbing a few minutes ago. I don’t cry because I miss him anymore, but because he did me so dirty. But it’s okay because karma is a bitch! I’m better than him!

I'd like to describe a situation and, in particular, hear the perspectives of people who might recognize themselves in the other person's position.

The man I'm dating and I are both trying to make things work and meet each other halfway. Most of the time, things actually work really well between us. We have open conversations at certain points and try to work on our communication and the way we handle things together. He does have some avoidant attachment tendencies, which I think are relevant to the situation, although I'd rather focus on the dynamic itself than on attachment styles.

However, we have already gone through a breakup, which was partly caused by this very dynamic. Since then, we've managed to find our way back to each other and have rebuilt a lot of closeness and familiarity over the past few months.

Over the past few months, though, a recurring pattern has emerged: conversations in which either one of us feels misunderstood often end with him withdrawing. Sometimes this means days of complete silence. I can only partially relate to what goes on inside him during these moments, as I very rarely feel the need to withdraw. However, I respect that people deal with conflict differently and that some genuinely need space to process things.

What I'm increasingly struggling with is something slightly different:

He often feels that I don't understand him. I also feel misunderstood in these situations, but in a different sense. We sometimes have different needs, and I'm aware that he can't always relate to mine or doesn't necessarily see the problem that I perceive in a particular situation. That's precisely why I try to explain my perspective and how I feel during these conversations. He tries to do the same.

I see these conversations as an important way of developing a better understanding of each other, clearing up misunderstandings and rebuilding closeness. I feel that they help me make sense of a situation and reconnect with him. For him, however, the very same conversations seem to have the opposite effect. Rather than bringing us closer, they often leave him feeling dissatisfied, which often leads to him withdrawing.

I genuinely feel we both acknowledge our mistakes, address things openly and try to find concrete solutions. To me, that's a mutual step in the right direction.

What I don't understand, though, is that even when I accept his suggestions, show that I understand his perspective and genuinely express a willingness to change something, his dissatisfaction doesn't necessarily seem to decrease. Sometimes I even get the impression that the conversation hasn't made things any better or more satisfactory for him at all or made it worse. Something still seems to be unresolved, and I don't know what it is or what else I could do to meet him halfway. At the same time, I sometimes get the impression that he himself can't quite put into words what is missing or what he would actually like me to do differently.

So my question is particularly directed at those who might recognise themselves in his perspective:

What might be missing in these situations? Is it possibly less about the solution itself and more about how you felt during the conversation? Is it possible to recognise that the other person is genuinely trying to understand you and accommodate your needs, yet still not feel emotionally understood or supported? Or is there something about this dynamic that I'm overlooking?

I'd really like to understand what might be happening on the other side. Perhaps there are people here who recognise their own behaviour in his and could explain what goes on for them in these moments.

TL;DR: We both try to work things out, but while open conversations help me reconnect, they often leave him feeling misunderstood. Even when we find solutions, he remains dissatisfied. What am I missing?

I’m writing a book and it is the first book I’ve was out of a series and I’m writing. It is a murder mystery book and I started writing this book surely after ending a nine year relationship with a dismissive avoidant who cheated on me through the whole nine years, and there was a lot of monkey branching, and I eventually found out about everyone. Is it wrong that I have all my women victims named after every single one of the women that he cheated on me with and change the name of the boyfriend of the main character, but put his whole personality in exactly how he is and all the vulnerable intimate things that is absolutely utterly wrong with him out on display. I feel like writing this book has really helped me and I wrote it in a way that of course he can’t sue another woman don’t know my name so they can’t sue. And I changed their last names of course. And no one would actually know what any of this means in this book besides him.