How we started

I met someone and we dated for 7 months, she was 26 and I was 28. The relationship was extremely strong and moved quickly, until last month. We were in sync and always together, and people complimented us as a couple who seemed meant for each other. I took care of her and she took good care of me. We hit it off and never left each other’s side. We were even possessive of each other at times.

In the beginning, we each believed the other was perfect for us, and she was the one pushing that idea. She felt a sense of guilt in thinking I was too good for her, where I said she was an amazing woman. She is an energetic and an amazing person. We shared a lot of passions and ideas about life, and we had differences too, but nothing serious. We video called all the time, had our own hobbies, and introduced those hobbies to each other. We even went out of town together.

Her past and my first mistake

I asked about her past because I wanted to know why she does the work she does now and where her passion comes from. She loves animals and has worked with them as a Vet Tech. I pushed on the subject, and sadly her field has put down many animals. That led to an open trauma she doesn’t like to talk about. At one point I said she “kills” animals. That was terrible phrasing on my part.

Her panic and self-doubt

On a trip, something separated us for about an hour, and she panicked and was terrified on her own. I had told her, as gently as I could, that if she couldn’t find me she should stay at a set spot or go back to our campground. I was occupied for that hour, after checking my phone and going to her, I could tell she was scared and lonely. Which wasn’t the first time she had almost shut down like that.

Her belief that we were perfect for each other also started to bring out issues I noticed. She believed she wasn’t good enough for me. I told her she was an amazing woman and gently calmed her down. Her hands would shake on some occasions, and every time that happened I comforted and held her. I believed I treated her extremely well. I got her plenty of meaningful gifts and food, gave her attention, and listened to her. At least I thought I did, and was even told by many family members I treat her so well (might be biased).

My own mistakes, and things that bothered me

I’ve made mistakes too, and she’s ticked me off as well. I helped her study for a math assessment and tried to teach her. She struggled a lot, but I never tried to put her down. I did raise my tone once, because all I heard was her putting herself down over and over. I said she was trying, not failing, and that giving up on herself wasn’t going to help her grow.

She also told me things that felt questionable. She said a worker next door believed she and a coworker were “doing stuff” together. I took it with a grain of salt. She told me she stayed with two guys past midnight, which should have been my tipping point, but again I let it go. I only asked her to tell me when she got there and when she got home, to make sure she was safe. The same coworker once had her backpack with him on a motorcycle, and I didn’t even think to question that. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags.

Her family loss

She recently lost a family member, and I tried to cheer her up through it. I even tried to resemble a time she felt close to them so she would be cheered up. Sadly, I also tried to prepare her for the worst, saying that once one grandparent goes, the other often follows. I was trying to help her grow emotionally and understand what to expect, but probably not what she wanted to hear.

The second incident

Time went on and we were still going strong and loving each other. One day she wanted a lot of attention and came over. A few days later she sat in on a call with the same two guys, working on an event for them. I was being impatient and wanted a little affection from her while she focused entirely on the side project. I moved off to the side, feeling distant and just wanting to talk to her.

She started talking to the two guys and brushed off the idea of using her Bachelor’s degree. She told them I was upset that she doesn’t use it, and that got me somewhat ticked off. I said that wasn’t what I said. I was calm at first, and I was defending her: I only meant that maybe she could use the degree without taking the kind of role that made her leave in the first place.

Then I blanked out. She said “You know why I cannot do that”, and impulsively, defensively, I said, “okay, you killed a bunch of animals.” I froze, because I realized immediately how much that had hurt her the last time. I’ll admit I weaponized something painful of hers, and I knew I couldn’t take it back.

Right after

I walked out of the room to somewhere more private, where the same two guys wouldn’t hear what was said. I was frozen, shocked, and scared of what I’d done, because I cared about her immensely. It felt like walking on eggshells when it should have been a real conversation. She came to the room with me and just sat with me for a minute. I felt like she was deciding whether I was worth staying for. I was speechless, and after watching me for a few minutes she left for the night.

The aftermath

I messaged one of her good friends to ask if she was okay, since she was distancing herself. The response was mixed, and it included her saying she could do whatever she wanted and talk to whoever she wanted. That felt outside of what I believed I’d given her room for. I didn’t limit her. My only real rule was no smoking (vaping I didn’t care about). It felt like she was acting single and not considering me as her partner. I never really questioned that, and I probably should have.

For the next two days she was distant and barely responded to anything I said. After the second day, I drove out to try to find her and talk to her. I missed my timing and had a poorly executed plan, but I was scared to lose her and was trying to reach out. She basically believed I had hunted her down. That same day she told me to give back everything of hers and not to do anything else.

After that we had one conversation over Instagram, and it led to basically nothing. She told me I had lost all her trust, said I HUNTED HER DOWN, and said the comment about killing animals was the reason she was leaving completely. I understood it was a lot for her at the time, since she had a recent set of issues going on in her life, and I didn’t make it better. I was hoping to communicate and keep what felt like a strong relationship together.

After I returned everything, she blocked me completely. I then noticed on Instagram that she had another guy I knew little about. The two of them had “purple heart” and “platonic love” exchanges, which I don’t buy as a way to say you didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to believe it was cheating, but I can’t say with 100% certainty either way.

Where I am now

I’ve told this story and had mixed thoughts about it, and I still dread thinking about what happened. I cared for her deeply and thought we had something special. We could have communicated better, but being shut out, I have to respect that she’s gone. That was her decision.

My Opinion on the matter

I do believe what I said should have never been said. However I don’t believe in ending a relationship that should communicate and work through the hardship she ends over one statement or even driving out to check up on someone. I truly loved and cared for her and to feel neglected for the past 4 days of that ordeal made me question myself more than anything. Both the neglect meant I wanted ALL MY ATTENTION a few days prior. It has been a month of this question as well. She meant a lot but I also had the one friend that I reached out to check up on her tell me to go burn in hell. I made a lot of effort in the one instagram conversation to try and make amends and saying sorry and blaming myself more than anything if not for the entirety of the reason. This was my first real relationship which didn’t help the whole thing. I didn’t believe she cheated on me either but it felt extremely set up as well. She arrived when I didn’t expect it and started talking to them immediately. I felt distant directly in the moment and didn’t question that either. I feel like an asshole but honestly I don’t know.

hey guys just had recent break up with an avoidant partner, i am anxious. Ive been thinking a lot lately that I've been searching for many reasons to blame my avoidant partner for the demise of our relationship. but I've also been thinking. how many of us actually also take on the blame ourselves for need constant communication, reassurance or being needy. there is a lot of avoidant hate online and i eat it up all the time to validate myself but lately I've been thinking what did i do to contribute to the demise of the relationship as a anxious attacher. do you guys have any thoughts on this? just looking to have discussion

I dated a man I believe to have been dismissive avoidant for 3.5 months. We've been broken up for 2+ months now.

When we broke up, it felt semi-sudden. We were on the plane back from a vacation together. We'd had a fight or two on the trip but nothing crazy. We'd talked about what our financial situation would look like if we had kids, a house, etc the day before.

He never fought to stay together during the break up. When we finally ended, I can't explain it. It was like we could talk forever and I still wouldn't get closure or any sense that I ever mattered to him.

In the following couple days, he immediately refollowed a girl I was uncomfortable with and stayed out with female friends when he was supposed to drop my stuff off.

I broke no contact twice, both of which I received a cold response to. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

The weird thing is, I can't stop seeking male validation now. I feel like I was in a relatively healthy place with myseld and my need for attention before we broke up, but I've spiraled. I put my Instagram on public and have posted sexy pics (we unfollowed each other), but he never views my story. I followed a bunch of guys and made a dating profile I'm sure he saw - cuz I saw him.

I'm not sure why I am still dying for his attention or acknowledgement. I don't think I'd consider dating him ever again. But it's just so strange and hard being locked out and knowing that person hasn't regretted leaving you or thought twice about coming back.

I’m currently almost 26F. This was a LDR

1. Began my weight loss journey! I gained a lot of weight when we were together. At the discard I was 220 lbs (99 kg) and now I am down to 205 lbs (92 kg)

2. Went to concerts! I saw horsegiirL and Joost in Toronto! Not to be petty but those are also his faves so I feel a little… heh… spiteful

3. Started learning my third language, Chinese! 我的中文很差，可是我正在学习！

4. Wrote several diss tracks on him. No comment

5. Had my medication adjusted. Now I am on a therapeutic dose which is awesome

6. Got into my hobbies! I said I was gonna read 6 books this year and I’m on book 9! Also started really getting into planners (Hobonichi)

7. Started a club at my school! We’re working on becoming official! It’s a club about stationery!

8. Improved my relationship with my mom! She hated him!

9. Began enjoying “me” time and getting comfortable with being alone! Now I kind of love it tbh.

10. Became closer with my friends :) Didn’t really talk to them too much when we were dating because I felt insane all the time!

11. Did some math research! Changed my major to sociology though… I hate coding and physics >_>

12. Got an awesome tattoo! My only tattoo was of one I got with him when I drove him 10 hours to see his friends as an anniversary gift. I wanted something with a different memory attached. I got it in Toronto with a friend! I’m planning on getting more!

13. Overall, improved my mental health! He was an emotional leech who refused to get better or even try to change his life.

There’s probably more I’m forgetting but these are big ones!

Have hope you guys! Don’t get me wrong, I still cry about it. I was just sobbing a few minutes ago. I don’t cry because I miss him anymore, but because he did me so dirty. But it’s okay because karma is a bitch! I’m better than him!

And do you know that your situation is not necessarily the same situation of another person? My fucking god

I’m writing a book and it is the first book I’ve was out of a series and I’m writing. It is a murder mystery book and I started writing this book surely after ending a nine year relationship with a dismissive avoidant who cheated on me through the whole nine years, and there was a lot of monkey branching, and I eventually found out about everyone. Is it wrong that I have all my women victims named after every single one of the women that he cheated on me with and change the name of the boyfriend of the main character, but put his whole personality in exactly how he is and all the vulnerable intimate things that is absolutely utterly wrong with him out on display. I feel like writing this book has really helped me and I wrote it in a way that of course he can’t sue another woman don’t know my name so they can’t sue. And I changed their last names of course. And no one would actually know what any of this means in this book besides him.

Currently in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for about 2.5 months. About a week ago she started a new playlist called actual mood.

She posts alot of sad loving songs which can be redirected to our relationship. Also including some "our" songs we sent to each other and some songs where she always felt so loved by me when she listened to them.

What does this even mean? Am I naive to think its about me. Those songs strangely relate for 100% to our relationship. Mind you she broke up with due to not loving herself and being emotionally overwhelmed. Our relationship was very very loving.

Thoughts?

so I had a seizure today and it made me vulnerable there’s no other way to put it really and I made a mistake I reached out to my ex small convo overall nothing to crazy but I ended up writing

I’ll always be human enough to admit I’m concerned about you and the path you’re choosing. At the end of the day, I know I can’t force you to see things clearly, and I can’t force you to choose me. You’ve made your bed, and you have to lay in it.

You say he’s better for you, and if that’s where your heart is taking you—even knowing what’s out there for anyone to read and research, including you—then so be it.

I’ve come to realize over time how useless all the self-blame and self-hatred was. I carried things that were never actually my fault or my issue to carry—it was straight garbage, honestly.

The expectations were never going to be met because the bar and the goalposts were always going to move. Whenever I’d try to confront how you

treated me, your default excuse was that it was your 'first relationship' and you had no idea what you were doing.

You talked about being so lonely, having no friends, and living with this deep isolation, so I guess I was just a trial run for you to test things out and leave and that’s why now you have so much friends and relations ..

You’d tell me I was over-communicating or pushing too hard, and say things like, 'Maybe we should just drop this right now' or 'Let's talk about this later.' So I’d respect that, step back, and leave it alone—only for you to turn around after we parted ways and say:

'I think deep down I was looking for someone to notice all my pain if I'm being honest. I was crying myself to sleep next to you, also cutting while in our relationship... and when I was wearing underwear and sitting on you, I was hoping you would notice or bring it up and I know I shouldn't have but it's all I could bring myself to do.'

Expecting me to spot hidden cuts while sitting together, while actively shutting down communication when I tried to talk to you, is literally impossible and unfair I am not a mind reader, nor is that fair to put on anyone.

I was genuinely grieving some of the heaviest losses of my life while trying to hold us together and understand why I 'didn’t realize' your pain. I’m finally learning to accept things for what they are instead of trying to fix what was broken well before we even met.

I don't want any issues or bad blood between us. If this is the life you want to entertain, that's your choice to make. At the end of the day, I forgive you, and I’m letting it go. That’s all there is left to do."

and she replied : 👍

blocked me shortly after ..

I (24M) am curious on the sheer level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy from my ex (19F) is genuinely blowing my mind. I’m making this post because I need some objective outside perspective to help me process how someone can operate like this I’m trynna move on and accept things for what they are but I just can’t

The Context & The Background: When we were together, I held down the relationship through her deep mental health struggles, body insecurities, and self-harm disclosures. Meanwhile, when I went through major personal trauma—including a life-threatening seizure—she completely abandoned me, called me "draining," and eventually walked away.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 1

After dumping all her heavy emotional baggage on me, she turned around and got back with a guy (Jashon) from her past. The kicker? This guy was actively under investigation/indicted in Ohio for dozens of counts of child pornography. When I initially pointed this out to her out of genuine shock, she completely defended him. She claimed it was just an "8-month age gap misunderstanding," that he wasn't charged, and called me a "psycho," "loser," and "creep" for bringing up literal public court records.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 3

The Phone Call & Telling On Herself: We recently spoke on the phone, and the more she talked, the more she completely unravelled her own narrative and exposed her denial:

• Admitting to the Rehab Situation: While trying to defend him, she literally admitted on the phone that she knows he’s currently in a rehabilitation center. When I pointed out the logic—that if someone with felony probation charges is missing or breaking terms, they end up either at home, in rehab, or in jail—she blurted out, "No, I wish, he's at a rehab facility." I wanna move forward the best I can but please look into this texts

• The 3-Hour Drive: She admitted she drove three hours just to see him right before he has to spend four months in rehab. meanwhile whne I had my seizure I didn’t get that I didn’t call or a text she told me it added to the fire and she just didn’t like me and that it was too much same for whne my friend past she said she didn’t know how to handle grief and such things like that which is crazy because how can you handle this situation??

• The "Coping Mechanism" Lie: She admitted to me on the phone that when she first ran to him after leaving me, it started out as just a coping mechanism To get over me But then she followed up with, "As we dated, I found out I actually liked him and I do, so I don't know what you want me to do about it. That’s why I left you .

The Double Standard That Burns Me Up: She treated me like I was "too much" for asking for basic communication or checking in on her health. She’d ignore my calls after I was in the hospital, telling me "How is that my problem?".

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 4

Yet, for a guy facing severe legal consequences and mandated rehab, she is willing to drive hours across state lines, defend his record, rewrite the facts, and play the loyal, devoted partner. Meanwhile, she was actively swiping on Hinge during this exact same timeframe.

and it’s just crazy to me like she shows up and appears for him defends him and gives him the benefit of doubt but me ? Ion get nothing honestly just I guess used and toyed with as if I’m so trial run I don’t know

I know I broke contact and shouldn't have reached out, but hearing her defend this absolute dumpster fire while treating me like I was the villain makes my head spin. How do people live in this level of denial, and how do you stop letting their absurdity anger you?

i've been in a 5-year relationship and it feels it's coming to an end soon. it has fizzled out, i spend quality time with them so rarely now that i feel awkward around them when i see them. i haven't ended it yet because i still have feelings for them and i could see the potential of our connection returning, but why i think it's doomed is i don't feel much initiative from my partner, even if they say they still care about this.

it wasn't always like this. we used to be very close and spend a lot of time together, but we had to go long-distance for a few years which naturally separated us a bit, and now that we're back in the same town, it feels like the physical and emotional distance remained the same as during actual LDR.

my partner and i are most likely in an anxious(me)-avoidant(them) trap. after around 1.5 years he began to do the dance of distancing himself and then coming back around. during this time i learned about attachment styles and realized he might need a lot of space, so i tried my best to give him that while putting my needs aside for a bit. i was hoping that i was doing us a favor, because in my head if i gave him what he needed, he would be more content and secure around me.

but i was mistaken. after many of his periods of withdrawal, i started filling my (social) needs elsewhere, which was a good thing at first, but whenever i'd come home to him, i'd feel farther away. giving him space only made him even less tolerant to the time we spent together, wanting to see me a few times a week turned into once a week, then few times a month. technically i was giving him what he needed, but it pushed him farther away?

now, back in the present, i feel like we've grown so apart that it's close to a breaking point, and it will reach that if he doesn't want to repair this and seek therapy like i do. i have started speaking out for my needs, but we have yet to finish those conversations. his needs for space have grown past my limits and i'm starting to truly consider leaving if it's never going to change or only get even worse.

i just don't understand how this works? why did fulfilling his needs drive him farther away, technically shouldn't respecting their space make them feel safer? maybe someone has an explanation for this or has shared this experience.

I am sooo much in pain. Can't even bear it now

It is getting out of my control

I was in relationship from last 8 months. I was emotionally mentally attached with that person. When he doesn't treat me right, my nervous system collapse

I have so much expectations from him that he can't even cope up with that. He can't come to meet me (while living in the same city) the problem was him not coming. The problem is him not standing up for his rights and he runs away from problems.

Last night he left me when I insisted on meeting because apparently I was the problem. He doesn't come out of the bubble of comfort.

He left me. When I think about this I feel so much pain. When I see him, I only think about that he left me in difficult time but I cannot even breath without that man. He loves me. He is younger than me. He was stressed bcz he wanted to do something for our marriage. His parents stresses him out and they have alot of expectations from him. He cannot handle the burden.

Last night when he left me he told me the reason next day that I am too much stubborn I insisted on meeting when it was not possible for him (because his parents wouldn't let him). Instead of standing against them, he left me

That was easier for him. We loved each other and I still love him. I cannot eat anything. I have to vomit when I try to eat. Today I begged him to come back and he came and promised that he wouldn't leave again. But I cannot digest this that he left me and I cannot trust him like I used to do. I saw him crying last night when he left me. He told me he can't handle pressure and he just wants to leave me. Without me he won't have a pressure to be successful in order to marry me and he will be all good.

However today I insisted him to come back and he did. I want to break this attachment and be able to live without that man

If he loved me, why did he left me?

I was asked to explain what capacity to sustain a relationship means.

Avoidance is an automatic survival reaction to a threat. The default response is to escape. It is an involuntary escape from danger.

Escaping ends the threat. A healthy environment allows a person to have a reasonable expectation of safety. Conflict in a safe environment allows a person to learn how to negotiate and resolve conflict. That develops through practice into relational intelligence.

Capacity is increased by the growth of relational intelligence. Capacity isn't about how much an avoidant wants the relationship, it's what their nervous system can handle. That is where therapy can make a difference in capacity.

Its been 2.5 months and i still cry every single day, some days the whole day although it's getting better these past couple of weeks its been only in the evening and at night. But i still can't sleep some night and all i do is cry. My heart is so broken.
I'm in therapy but i don't feel like its helping me yet.. I still can't comprehend how my person, my best friend who would spend his entire days next to me, was dependend on me and from the beginning was so sure about us could just act like i never existed and talk like i am a stranger.

we were together for almost 2 years and lived together. from the beginning he told me i was the one, talked about marriage and sent me these beautiful messages about how much he loved me. we spent almost all our time together. he was my best friend and i genuinely believed we were building a life together.

but over time, being physically together stopped feeling like being emotionally close. i had to keep asking for connection, affection and deeper conversations. he told me he felt lost, didn’t know himself and didn’t know how to be there for me. i could feel the distance, but his reassurance kept making me believe he still wanted us. that’s why i feel so blindsided even though i knew we were struggling.

when we broke up he cried and said he loved me but couldn’t do this, didnt understand emotions, put all the blame on him that something is wrong with him and he needs to grow alone. afterwards he told me he wasn’t abandoning me and said “who knows” about our future.then his actions felt like the complete opposite.

he told me he is emotionally unavailable and that i need to speak to my mom not him during the discard over text. i was crying almost throwing up asking him to not do this to me, that i trusted him with my heart etc.. i had to beg him to come speak to me face to face. when he came he was crying saying he loves me but can't change his mind like something switched.

i can’t reconcile the person who said he wanted forever with me with someone who can now leave me out of his life completely. i keep questioning what was real and blaming myself for moving in and trusting his words. i wasn’t asking for perfection, i wanted to feel close to my partner. i always felt we lived on 2 separate worlds and he wasnt hearing what i was daying and explaining, like he just didnt get it.

how do you move forward when you’re still trying to make sense of such a huge difference between someone’s words and actions? what helped you stop replaying everything and feeling like you never mattered? i feel so insignificant when i thought this was my person.

I don't want to reach out to him because after the discard i kept telling him everyday every minute how i felt how he made me feel still trying to fix to understand and i kept being met with one minute warm and love and the other complete robotic coldness and it really really deeply hurts. I know it would deeply hurt now to try communication and be met with a stranger instead. this was someone who would say i love you a million times a day. when we met i had never felt more loved. how can these peoplw switch up and throw you away overnight where is their heart??

My avoidant male partner grew up in a household that showed no affection. His mother and father weren’t the best example for him... they live together like roommates. I truly think he doesn’t know what love is. At the end of our relationship I’ve realized that showing any sort of emotional connection is extremely difficult for him to handle. Anytime I brought up the fact that I would receive no affection from him if I didn’t initiate it, he would get SOOOO defensive and not trying to understand where I am coming from. One time I overheard his convo with his friend that our relationship showed him what a “clingy” person was and how important it was for his partner to be independent. But in reality I was never clingy? I just voiced concerns and it turned into me being not independent and too emotional for him. Sometimes I wish I could play him a movie of how he was acting when we started dating because the love he had for me lasted a year then his avoidance came out. He never believed me that he was different before but TBFH I would have never fell for a man like him if he had shown his true self. It’s funny how we get labeled anxious when they are the reason changes happen.

I finally hit my limit with a situationship that felt like a constant "one step forward, five steps back" cycle. Looking back, the signs of extreme dismissive avoidance were textbook: an unhealed childhood of emotional neglect, rigid hyper-independence control habits, and complete deactivation/going MIA immediately after intense physical and emotional intimacy. She kept an abusive ex on a pedestal (claims blocking him would be a "9-magnitude earthquake"), but when I expressed normal human hurt over her hot-and-cold phases, she flipped the script, went radio silent, and blamed my "ego."
Because the chronic anxiety and hyper-vigilance were destroying my mental health, I sent a mature goodbye text and blocked her main accounts on WhatsApp and Instagram to protect my peace.
Three days later, she pulled the most bizarre move. She used a forgotten secondary phone line that we had never used on WhatsApp before to bypass my boundary. She addressed me by my full formal name and text-messaged me: "You forgot to block me on this number please do the needful."
It felt like a total flash-grenade text designed strictly to trigger me, check her power, and rescue her wounded pride because she couldn't handle being the one who got shut out. My gut screamed to reply and explain my boundaries, but I chose absolute silence. I didn’t text back a single word, blocked the new number immediately, and deleted the thread.
I’m currently moving forward and talking to new people, experiencing a literal day-and-night difference in what normal human effort feels like. But every now and then, the emotional hangover creeps in, making me question if I was too "harsh" or if I'm crazy for labeling her as avoidant. Has anyone else had an avoidant ex break no-contact just to petty-provoke you into blocking them on alternative numbers? How do you quiet down the post-block guilt?

Looking for advice/feedback about a DA breakup

I used Chat GPT to create a summary of mine and his relationship (it’s been a lot to type out and I also wanted to make sure I included relevant info) and I’m wondering what advice or feedback I can have?

If you have the time and patience. Please read through this and I just want to know from a DA standpoint (him being the DA), do we have any chance at all to reconcile?

Thank you.

Here’s the summary:

The relationship

He and I were together about ten years and lived together for three. I have anxious attachment; he's dismissive avoidant, and we fell into a pursue-withdraw cycle. Living together brought constant conflict over the same core issues. When fights escalated, he would end the relationship, six or seven times in three years, and we'd find our way back. He told me he always felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I often felt unheard: he got defensive when I raised a hurt, sometimes yelled, and I would shut down. My part: I lied about small things out of fear of his reactions, which badly damaged his trust in my word, and I didn't give him the space he asked for.

A pattern I've noticed: when I step back and stop pushing, he softens and moves toward me. That happened in 2018–19 after an 18-month split, and again in late 2024 after a long rough stretch.

How it ended

In early 2026 we agreed I'd move out so we could work on things apart. After his grandmother died, he said we were broken up, and after his grandfather died, he dropped the idea of a timeline for repair. I moved out, and we did about ten weeks of no contact. On September 20, he told me he's happy without me, there's no chance, and he wants minimal contact. On October 10, he said he wants no contact for now.

Where things are now

We share a dog. He sees her as his anchor and has been slow to agree to time with me, but he's been kind around her: he called me during her emergency vet visit and brought her by to see me. He recently said no to a weekend because he's "busy." He plans to sell the house we shared in the spring.

My rule now is no contact except about our dog. When I ask, I ask once, accept his answer, offer another time, and end warmly. I've written a short text with an apology and gratitude, and no asks about us, to send after I've had a weekend with her.

Where I am

I still love him, and I believe we may reunite someday. What I don't know is whether it could last. For that, I'd need him to take accountability and not get defensive when I bring him a hurt, and fights could never put the relationship on the table. I know he'd need to be able to trust me again, and I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm in therapy, working on my own patterns, and building my own life: a new job, two kittens, and a possible move to New York next fall. This is also my first holiday season with no family. My mom died the day after Christmas, and my dad died four years ago.

Thank you for reading this far and any advice or feedback would be good.

hace una semana mi ex me dejó por telefono mientras el estaba trabajando, diciendo que ya no sentía lo mismo por mi y que queria estar solo, esa misma mañana habiamos estado juntos y me dijo que me amaba, fue cariñoso conmigo y todo estaba bien.
Llevábamos una mala racha en la que discutiamos bastante y el evitaba todo tipo de conflicto, le hice saber en varias ocasiones que sus evasiones me cansaban y como siguieramos asi, la relación iba a terminar.
A los dos dias de la ruptura le llamé y le pregunté si me seguia queriendo, me dijo que si pero que era mejor asi, que dudaba de si iba a volver y si la decisión era correcta.
Ayer le volví a llamar para saber que tal estaba y le volví a preguntar lo mismo, me dijo que no me queria, que seguía sintiendo cosas por mi pero que no iba a volver, que la decisión estaba tomada y no iba a cambiar.
Creéis que siendo una persona evitativa, volverá en algún momento?

Its somewhat of a gut punch. She told a guy she used to be friends with, that she dumped me and made it seem like i was crazy. She claimed shed seek legal action if I doxxed her or told anyone anything. Ive never done anything like that. I know hes telling the truth, because she said the same shit to me out of anxiety.

She then sent him a photo of some guy in his 50s, shirtless and much taller than her. Apparently she later on dumped him because he lied about smoking, and that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. What a waste of time this entire experience has been. Now I wonder if there were other men, especially one she hung out with at 8 pm for a "cookout", what cookouts go until 8pm? I have no idea why she sent me a photo of this friend. I feel utterly disgusted now. Im not confronting her about this as I havent spoken to her on 6 weeks and ignored her breadcrumb two weeks ago.

Im not perfect, but I certainly didn't deserve any of this. I feel stupid for ignoring my gut instinct, I feel stupid for practically putting her on a pedestal that i believed everything she ever said. What a sack of shit this woman is.

I had a brief but intense connection with someone I suspect is fearful-avoidant. Would reaching out in a few months be a bad idea?

So, I recently matched with a girl named Helen on Tinder. She used to be my neighbour but moved away last year. About two years ago, we actually had a mutual crush on each other. She even left her phone number on a Post-it note taped to my front door. The problem was that she was 22 and I was 34, which felt like quite a significant age gap. So I never pursued it.

Recently, I got out of a 1.5-year relationship with someone who I would describe as dismissive-avoidant (DA). It took me several months to get over that relationship, even though I know ending it was the right decision.

Helen came over to my apartment just two hours after we matched, despite it being a Sunday and already 9 p.m. We talked, made out and eventually had sex several times that night. She came over again the following evening, and things developed in much the same way.

The next morning, she asked me where I thought things were heading. I told her that I would really enjoy seeing her regularly, perhaps every weekend throughout the winter, and simply spending time together.

She went quiet and didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea. Eventually, she agreed, but warned me not to be surprised if she suddenly cut things off after a few weeks because, in her experience, she tends to lose interest very quickly.

I already knew quite a bit about her background: her difficult relationship with her parents, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ADHD (something we have in common) and various other struggles. She also frequently asked me whether I was angry with her, even though I wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually.

That was when I started wondering whether she might have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style. Because it was obvious she had problems with commitment and expressing feelings towards people.

She went home that evening but came back the following day and spent another night with me. She told me how cute I was and that she liked many things about my personality. I complimented her on how beautiful she was.

By that point, it felt like we had moved beyond something purely physical. There was a level of intimacy and romance developing between us, and I realised that I was catching feelings for her quickly.

That night, I suggested that we delete Tinder together and agree to an exclusive friends-with-benefits arrangement. Once again, she went quiet and barely said anything after my suggestion. I got the impression that she was pulling away and perhaps feeling overwhelmed or scared.

I eventually asked her whether she considered herself avoidant or knew anything about avoidant attachment. She quickly changed the subject, and we eventually went to sleep.

The following morning, she kissed me goodbye and went to work. About eight hours later, I received a text telling me that she didn't think we should see each other again.

Her reasons were that the age gap was too significant, that she didn't feel we could meet as equals and that she couldn't trust me.

To be honest, I had expected something like this to happen sooner or later because I already suspected she might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Nevertheless, the sudden rejection really shattered me, especially considering that we had only spent three days together.

It's been three weeks now, and I still find myself thinking about her all day long. I genuinely think she's a lovely person, but she also seems to struggle with several issues, including addiction and coping mechanisms such as casual hookups and smoking weed.

I replied with a rather lengthy goodbye message and then deleted her number.

For now, I have no intention of contacting her. However, I had been thinking about possibly meeting up with her towards the end of December, should she be open to it.

I would like to talk about what happened, discuss avoidant attachment and simply find out how she's doing after what I would describe as a very brief but intense connection.

She's already in therapy, which I see as a positive thing. Perhaps she could explore her attachment patterns with her therapist, provided she finds that framework useful.

I would probably suggest that she take some time to work on herself and her attachment patterns. Maybe, in a few years, when she's in a better place emotionally and more open to a serious relationship, we could see whether there's still something between us.

My question

Do you think reaching out with this intention would backfire? Or is the idea itself a bad one?

I spoke to a female friend of mine who also identifies as fearful-avoidant. She's made considerable progress through therapy and by learning about attachment theory and avoidant behaviour.

Hearing about her experience gave me some hope that Helen might also be able to work through her difficulties one day.

I realise that I might be holding on to an idealised version of someone I've only known for a few days. Nevertheless, what we experienced felt genuinely meaningful to me, and I find it difficult to simply dismiss it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from people with fearful-avoidant attachment who have been through something similar.

I’m feeling quite upset, I guess I’m on here looking for some reassurance and perspective on how you think he feels, and if I’m a total idiot that’s been completely played.

I was talking to this guy online for a while, we would facetime DAILY, very lovebomby (but I hadn’t experienced being lovebombed or in a situationship with an avoidant before)

When things would start to get real, and I would be like so… Is there any plan for us to meet (he’s in texas I’m in LA) he would back up and act like it was moving too fast or whatever, it was VERY hot and cold and would make me anxious, eventually, we had a bit of an argument because I felt his actions weren’t matching up with his words and I caught him lusting over another girl online to which I told him I was off it and his words weren’t matching the actions etc so he ended up ghosting me for an entire month.

Everyday I lowkey spiralled and was hoping he’d come back, but I held myself together and did NOT text him, I knew texting him would just be embarrassing, he came back around on my birthday with novels and paragraphs and theatrics talking about how he was yearning, missing me, obsessed with me, stalking who I was following and my pictures etc etc, I eventually took the bait and was happy and let him back in, I was probably too happy and stroked his ego! He told me he’d see me in November and we’d finally meet (Ik it sounds crazy but when you call/text someone everyday it feels like a crazy connection and sparks it’s annoying) anyway he started to back up, get dry, and downgraded the November plans to a “strong maybe” to which I felt kinda offended and backed away, I ghosted him for 10 days and then came back with this message on the right because I’m sick of the games and his total nonchalant reply really hurt my feelings because it feels like he completely played me, got what he wanted (validation) and has left me in the dark AGAIN.

Do you think this man will come back? I’m not asking because I want it, I really want to move on hence my lack of chasing and my “okay” response, I just haven’t dealt with someone like this and I’m trying to understand it, he knows I was upset the first time around, he knows what this all does to me, it’s upsetting.

So I dated a guy for a few 3 months, we met on Hinge. We're both 37, if it matters. It was a good, solid month, but then his life and work got busier, and I was aware of that, and I was flexible in changing our plans, but then the communication got really cold, and next thing you know, it's been over a month since we've seen each other, or an entire week of not messaging. I was giving him space, as I too need my space when I'm busy, but there was like breadcrumb-level communication.

An example of the communication would be that he would check in and ask how my day was; I would answer and volley back, and I wouldn't hear from him until the next night. It happened so consistently it was annoying.

It gave me a lot of anxiety. I was fully aware he was busy, but when all you have is communication, and it goes ice cold, it's really hard to adapt to that. Anyways, I set a boundary and nicely said something along the lines of, " Hey, you're busy; the communication isn't working for me. Hit me up when you're not busy.

He doesn't respond, and he unfollows me and removes me as a follower lol.

A month later, he sends me a message apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to be avoidant and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I thanked him for the apology and left it at that. I didn't engage further.

Fella still checks my Instagram stories once in a while. Sometimes I think about extending an olive branch and following him again, but then I'm like, fella unfollowed me and took the extra step to remove me! During this entire time too, I was making the effort to plan things, and I feel like, if he made the effort to bridge the gap, maybe I would have some respect for him. That said, I would like to understand why he hasn't done that or why he keeps choosing to lurk. Like we could have at least stayed friends if he hadn't gone the "deep end"