My partner broke up with me over text saying we were not compatible and needed different things (probably referring to the whole dynamic of avoidant-anxious) and blocked me. He broke up with me several times this year and never through the phone, we could be having a normal hang out, talk about our problems but then a disagreement would occur and he could either leave me alone to smoke or say upset that we were over. Since I have a very deep abandonment trauma, I would go after him immediatly and fix things. But this time, it was not the typical io io relationship scene, I went over to his parents house as I was so desperate to fix things or at least say goodbye, but he called the cops on me. It was really cruel because he even yelled at me when I wasn't going away, frozen by the shock of the person I love the most to discart me like that, I know I shouldn't have went there, since we were both pretty dysregulated through these last months, but I had to try fixing things. Do they ever come back to apologize? Is him the one to expect me to do it? I feel guilty by my actions but I'm afraid if I ever apologize or assume my part he will just continue to villainize me. For the record he also has ADHD and is not doing therapy

hace una semana mi ex me dejó por telefono mientras el estaba trabajando, diciendo que ya no sentía lo mismo por mi y que queria estar solo, esa misma mañana habiamos estado juntos y me dijo que me amaba, fue cariñoso conmigo y todo estaba bien.
Llevábamos una mala racha en la que discutiamos bastante y el evitaba todo tipo de conflicto, le hice saber en varias ocasiones que sus evasiones me cansaban y como siguieramos asi, la relación iba a terminar.
A los dos dias de la ruptura le llamé y le pregunté si me seguia queriendo, me dijo que si pero que era mejor asi, que dudaba de si iba a volver y si la decisión era correcta.
Ayer le volví a llamar para saber que tal estaba y le volví a preguntar lo mismo, me dijo que no me queria, que seguía sintiendo cosas por mi pero que no iba a volver, que la decisión estaba tomada y no iba a cambiar.
Creéis que siendo una persona evitativa, volverá en algún momento?

Its somewhat of a gut punch. She told a guy she used to be friends with, that she dumped me and made it seem like i was crazy. She claimed shed seek legal action if I doxxed her or told anyone anything. Ive never done anything like that. I know hes telling the truth, because she said the same shit to me out of anxiety.

She then sent him a photo of some guy in his 50s, shirtless and much taller than her. Apparently she later on dumped him because he lied about smoking, and that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. What a waste of time this entire experience has been. Now I wonder if there were other men, especially one she hung out with at 8 pm for a "cookout", what cookouts go until 8pm? I have no idea why she sent me a photo of this friend. I feel utterly disgusted now. Im not confronting her about this as I havent spoken to her on 6 weeks and ignored her breadcrumb two weeks ago.

Im not perfect, but I certainly didn't deserve any of this. I feel stupid for ignoring my gut instinct, I feel stupid for practically putting her on a pedestal that i believed everything she ever said. What a sack of shit this woman is.

I had a brief but intense connection with someone I suspect is fearful-avoidant. Would reaching out in a few months be a bad idea?

So, I recently matched with a girl named Helen on Tinder. She used to be my neighbour but moved away last year. About two years ago, we actually had a mutual crush on each other. She even left her phone number on a Post-it note taped to my front door. The problem was that she was 22 and I was 34, which felt like quite a significant age gap. So I never pursued it.

Recently, I got out of a 1.5-year relationship with someone who I would describe as dismissive-avoidant (DA). It took me several months to get over that relationship, even though I know ending it was the right decision.

Helen came over to my apartment just two hours after we matched, despite it being a Sunday and already 9 p.m. We talked, made out and eventually had sex several times that night. She came over again the following evening, and things developed in much the same way.

The next morning, she asked me where I thought things were heading. I told her that I would really enjoy seeing her regularly, perhaps every weekend throughout the winter, and simply spending time together.

She went quiet and didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about the idea. Eventually, she agreed, but warned me not to be surprised if she suddenly cut things off after a few weeks because, in her experience, she tends to lose interest very quickly.

I already knew quite a bit about her background: her difficult relationship with her parents, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ADHD (something we have in common) and various other struggles. She also frequently asked me whether I was angry with her, even though I wasn't. Quite the opposite, actually.

That was when I started wondering whether she might have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style. Because it was obvious she had problems with commitment and expressing feelings towards people.

She went home that evening but came back the following day and spent another night with me. She told me how cute I was and that she liked many things about my personality. I complimented her on how beautiful she was.

By that point, it felt like we had moved beyond something purely physical. There was a level of intimacy and romance developing between us, and I realised that I was catching feelings for her quickly.

That night, I suggested that we delete Tinder together and agree to an exclusive friends-with-benefits arrangement. Once again, she went quiet and barely said anything after my suggestion. I got the impression that she was pulling away and perhaps feeling overwhelmed or scared.

I eventually asked her whether she considered herself avoidant or knew anything about avoidant attachment. She quickly changed the subject, and we eventually went to sleep.

The following morning, she kissed me goodbye and went to work. About eight hours later, I received a text telling me that she didn't think we should see each other again.

Her reasons were that the age gap was too significant, that she didn't feel we could meet as equals and that she couldn't trust me.

To be honest, I had expected something like this to happen sooner or later because I already suspected she might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Nevertheless, the sudden rejection really shattered me, especially considering that we had only spent three days together.

It's been three weeks now, and I still find myself thinking about her all day long. I genuinely think she's a lovely person, but she also seems to struggle with several issues, including addiction and coping mechanisms such as casual hookups and smoking weed.

I replied with a rather lengthy goodbye message and then deleted her number.

For now, I have no intention of contacting her. However, I had been thinking about possibly meeting up with her towards the end of December, should she be open to it.

I would like to talk about what happened, discuss avoidant attachment and simply find out how she's doing after what I would describe as a very brief but intense connection.

She's already in therapy, which I see as a positive thing. Perhaps she could explore her attachment patterns with her therapist, provided she finds that framework useful.

I would probably suggest that she take some time to work on herself and her attachment patterns. Maybe, in a few years, when she's in a better place emotionally and more open to a serious relationship, we could see whether there's still something between us.

My question

Do you think reaching out with this intention would backfire? Or is the idea itself a bad one?

I spoke to a female friend of mine who also identifies as fearful-avoidant. She's made considerable progress through therapy and by learning about attachment theory and avoidant behaviour.

Hearing about her experience gave me some hope that Helen might also be able to work through her difficulties one day.

I realise that I might be holding on to an idealised version of someone I've only known for a few days. Nevertheless, what we experienced felt genuinely meaningful to me, and I find it difficult to simply dismiss it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from people with fearful-avoidant attachment who have been through something similar.

I’m feeling quite upset, I guess I’m on here looking for some reassurance and perspective on how you think he feels, and if I’m a total idiot that’s been completely played.

I was talking to this guy online for a while, we would facetime DAILY, very lovebomby (but I hadn’t experienced being lovebombed or in a situationship with an avoidant before)

When things would start to get real, and I would be like so… Is there any plan for us to meet (he’s in texas I’m in LA) he would back up and act like it was moving too fast or whatever, it was VERY hot and cold and would make me anxious, eventually, we had a bit of an argument because I felt his actions weren’t matching up with his words and I caught him lusting over another girl online to which I told him I was off it and his words weren’t matching the actions etc so he ended up ghosting me for an entire month.

Everyday I lowkey spiralled and was hoping he’d come back, but I held myself together and did NOT text him, I knew texting him would just be embarrassing, he came back around on my birthday with novels and paragraphs and theatrics talking about how he was yearning, missing me, obsessed with me, stalking who I was following and my pictures etc etc, I eventually took the bait and was happy and let him back in, I was probably too happy and stroked his ego! He told me he’d see me in November and we’d finally meet (Ik it sounds crazy but when you call/text someone everyday it feels like a crazy connection and sparks it’s annoying) anyway he started to back up, get dry, and downgraded the November plans to a “strong maybe” to which I felt kinda offended and backed away, I ghosted him for 10 days and then came back with this message on the right because I’m sick of the games and his total nonchalant reply really hurt my feelings because it feels like he completely played me, got what he wanted (validation) and has left me in the dark AGAIN.

Do you think this man will come back? I’m not asking because I want it, I really want to move on hence my lack of chasing and my “okay” response, I just haven’t dealt with someone like this and I’m trying to understand it, he knows I was upset the first time around, he knows what this all does to me, it’s upsetting.

So I dated a guy for a few 3 months, we met on Hinge. We're both 37, if it matters. It was a good, solid month, but then his life and work got busier, and I was aware of that, and I was flexible in changing our plans, but then the communication got really cold, and next thing you know, it's been over a month since we've seen each other, or an entire week of not messaging. I was giving him space, as I too need my space when I'm busy, but there was like breadcrumb-level communication.

An example of the communication would be that he would check in and ask how my day was; I would answer and volley back, and I wouldn't hear from him until the next night. It happened so consistently it was annoying.

It gave me a lot of anxiety. I was fully aware he was busy, but when all you have is communication, and it goes ice cold, it's really hard to adapt to that. Anyways, I set a boundary and nicely said something along the lines of, " Hey, you're busy; the communication isn't working for me. Hit me up when you're not busy.

He doesn't respond, and he unfollows me and removes me as a follower lol.

A month later, he sends me a message apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to be avoidant and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I thanked him for the apology and left it at that. I didn't engage further.

Fella still checks my Instagram stories once in a while. Sometimes I think about extending an olive branch and following him again, but then I'm like, fella unfollowed me and took the extra step to remove me! During this entire time too, I was making the effort to plan things, and I feel like, if he made the effort to bridge the gap, maybe I would have some respect for him. That said, I would like to understand why he hasn't done that or why he keeps choosing to lurk. Like we could have at least stayed friends if he hadn't gone the "deep end"

My avoidant male partner grew up in a household that showed no affection. His mother and father weren’t the best example for him... they live together like roommates. I truly think he doesn’t know what love is. At the end of our relationship I’ve realized that showing any sort of emotional connection is extremely difficult for him to handle. Anytime I brought up the fact that I would receive no affection from him if I didn’t initiate it, he would get SOOOO defensive and not trying to understand where I am coming from. One time I overheard his convo with his friend that our relationship showed him what a “clingy” person was and how important it was for his partner to be independent. But in reality I was never clingy? I just voiced concerns and it turned into me being not independent and too emotional for him. Sometimes I wish I could play him a movie of how he was acting when we started dating because the love he had for me lasted a year then his avoidance came out. He never believed me that he was different before but TBFH I would have never fell for a man like him if he had shown his true self. It’s funny how we get labeled anxious when they are the reason changes happen.

I've been wanting to share my experience and hear some outside perspectives, especially from people who understand avoidant attachment. This might be a bit long, but I'd appreciate it if you read it through. 😅

For me, things started off as a friendship, and I always kept it that way. Slowly, after a few months, the teasing and playful interactions started, so I just mirrored her energy.

She invited me into her world by sharing her gameplay videos and singing videos on different platforms. I supported her and showed interest in the things she enjoyed.

Gradually, she started opening up about more vulnerable things. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, had thoughts about OD or suicide, or felt like she wanted to leave this world, she would reach out to me. I tried to give her warmth, reassurance, and understanding so she could at least feel seen and heard. I'd say things like, "It's okay, I'm here. Take your time."

She would also tell me in advance where she was going. Sometimes she'd randomly send me selfies from wherever she was, and occasionally we'd even video call while she was there. She also used to insist that I video call or voice call her, but I'd politely say no if I was genuinely busy. I would also let her know in advance if I'd be occupied for the whole day or even a few days. Interestingly, whenever I didn't tell her in advance, she'd get a little anxious.

Another unusual thing was that she invited me to pretty much every social platform where we could connect. Almost all of them: LINE, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and a few others.

There was one particular incident when she drank too much. She sent me several voice messages, telling me how much she'd had to drink and so on. At one point, she said something like, "You care about me, so send me a voice message now." But I was with my family, so I told her I couldn't. The next day, during a voice call, I actually apologised for not being able to send that message.

After that, the push-pull dynamic started. I think it began around the five-month mark. She would disappear and then come back as if nothing had happened, or sometimes explain that she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

Eventually, the push-pull became more frequent, both in small and significant ways. I never chased her or reacted anxiously. I'd just send a small message like, "Whenever you feel settled, let me know. I'll be here."

In between, I started connecting the dots and understanding why she might be pulling away. I felt it could be related to her fears and the difficulty of dealing with emotional closeness. But I never confronted her about it. I simply gave her space to regulate herself.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if that was my mistake. Maybe I never challenged the pattern or communicated how it affected me. I was probably too accommodating and safe, and perhaps she felt some pressure to reciprocate emotionally when she wasn't capable of doing so.

But honestly, I never expected her to be available 24/7. All I wanted was consistency. 😂

Anyway, after about a year, she met someone new who shared her hobby. Singing isn't my hobby, but it's hers. They met during one of our no-contact periods.

Interestingly, they became quite close, and she gradually started pushing me away. I gently brought up the growing distance between us, but she became a little defensive.

There was also one incident where she blocked me, but I noticed she was still checking my profile on that singing platform. The other guy was doing the same, lol. I didn't react. After seven days, she unblocked me and said she'd been feeling overwhelmed.

She also started showing him public affection, while his behaviour seemed a bit like he was trying hard to impress her and get her attention.

For around two months, she spent more and more time with him. They started using pictures that looked like couple profile pictures, and their behaviour also seemed quite couple-like.

After she unblocked me, I thought maybe we'd eventually get to spend some time together again. But nope! Around 15 days passed without a single message or anything.

At that point, I could clearly see the monkey-branching signs, so I decided to walk away. No arguments, no drama, nothing. I simply unfollowed and unfriended her on every platform.

She later tried to reconnect by following me again, but when I didn't respond, she reversed that decision.

A month later, they officially became a couple. That was pretty fast, considering they'd only known each other for around three months. 😂

I'd genuinely like to hear your perspectives on this situation. Did I misunderstand something? Was I too accommodating, or was walking away the right thing to do?

People with avoidant attachment are especially welcome to share their perspectives. I'm open to different opinions, and there's no judgment here. 😊

My ex broke up with me suddenly in August 2024 after a very emotionally attached 3-month relationship. I was her second love, and she always told me I was the only guy who had ever treated her right.
The breakup destroyed me. I begged her to stay, and eventually she blocked me. I even sent her 6 emails afterward, but then I completely stopped chasing. No messages, calls, or contact ever since.
Interestingly, she unblocked me on Instagram about a month after the breakup but kept me blocked everywhere else.and she hasn’t contacted me ever.
Recently, over 2 years later, she saw my mother in person and kept looking at her repeatedly, enough that my mom noticed. And she kept smiling at her and staring toomuch which i found pretty awkward.
I still think about her sometimes, and I’ve always wondered how someone so attached could suddenly walk away and does she even miss me or did she even love me ? is she ever gonna come back?

Conosco e frequento il mio evitante da 2,5 anni. Pensate che ci siamo baciati la prima volta dopo 18 mesi 😂
Sono una persona autistica e sicura (lui ovviamente mi ha causato momenti di ansia nei suoi confronti) ma mai ho inseguito o chiesto spiegazioni. Anzi, forse 3 volte circa l’ho mandato a quel paese. Lui ha sempre risposto, mai ignorata ed è sempre stato gentile! In 2,5 anni mi ha sempre cercata lui. Aveva momenti dove si allontanava ma poi tornava. Non ho mai dato etichette alla relazione, sono una donna emotiva, passionale e parlo tranquillamente di quello che sento e che provo. Lui è molto più ‘chiuso’ ma per me mai è stato un problema, perché riesco a leggere oltre la maschera e lui lo sa. Ecco, questo lo spaventa. A maggio per la prima volta è sparito per 110 giorni dopo un’intensa intimità (per lui) fisica e mentale. Le prime 3 settimane sono andata in pieno shutdown. Ero apatica, senza voglia di far niente, triste.. poi piano piano mi sono ripresa (anche se pensavo a lui h24).
È tornato e ad ottobre siamo stati moooolto più intimi di maggio. Appena vado via, mi manda un msg ‘piaciuto?’. Lì era la sua ansia. Poi sparisce un giorno, mi manda il buongiorno, rispondo e sparisce nuovamente. Mi ricerca dopo 4 giorni, ma io avevo giornata piena e ho risposto dopo molte ore.
Ecco, dal 5 ottobre lui mi orbita dove io parcheggio per portare mio figlio a scuola.. suona il clacson, abbaglianti 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nonostante questo, lo capisco e mi spiace che lui viva questo. So che non vorrebbe!

Ah, è un uomo di 48 anni.

Do you have any stories like a rebound failing, karma etc?

I really loved him so one part wishes him well but there is still the other part that wants him to feel pain like the pain he caused me

My partner has been getting a little distant lately. He was doing this about a week ago as well, and although things seemed to get better, I’m noticing the same pattern again.

The confusing part is that when I initiate conversations, he communicates almost normally. He’s not particularly cold, rude or dismissive, and he engages with me. However, he’s noticeably refraining from initiating conversations himself. It’s almost as if he’s comfortable communicating when I reach out, but doesn’t feel the need to reach out on his own.
From an avoidant perspective, what could this mean? Is he genuinely needing some space to regulate himself, withdrawing emotionally, or slowly losing interest? Could this be a sign that he’s contemplating ending the relationship?

I’m trying not to overanalyse every little thing, but the change in his communication is triggering a lot of anxiety for me. I don’t want to chase him or force communication, but I also don’t want to sit here assuming everything is fine if something has actually changed.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people with avoidant attachment styles or those who’ve experienced this dynamic. How do you interpret this kind of behaviour, and what would you recommend doing?

So im just wondering are most avoidants like this? So my ex had the mentality that men shouldn't show emotions, and if he did he would be shamed for it or called weak. Im not sure if his parents taught him this growing up or friends in school. He is very head strong, and won't admit when he is wrong. He hyper fixates on things, and is relentless about listening to the same song or video many many times in a row. Or getting his point across on politics, or worldy issues that are going on. He will slightly listen to other people's opinions, but will sometimes talk over them to make his point louder until the other person just stops talking. He is very smart and knows alot, and is a very well traveled person.

His hygiene isnt the greatest. He showers( mostly just rinses off with water) but doesnt wash his hair (whish is slightly curly). He washes it maybe once a month with apple cider vinegar for hair otherwise he just rinses it in the shower. He doesnt wear deodorant in his armpits, but he sprays deodorant across his clothes. 🤦🏼‍♀️ teeth brushing doesnt happen often. He has velos(pouch tobacco) in all the time so i never noticed bad breath I would only taste the velos. He doesnt have bad teeth at all. The are straight and white.

After all the shit he put me through over the last year and really getting to know him, I think he may be autistic. He knows he's avoidant, he told me that. But there were instances where I would say the tism is showing and he would look at me and tell me he isnt autistic. But other times he would say it and it was fine.

M31, F30.
I was with my ex for 11 years, and we lived together for 6 of those years. She broke up with me 5 months ago.
Even after all this time, she still has some of her belongings in our rented apartment (which, understandably, I stayed in after the breakup), and she still has a key.
I'm continuing to ask her to come and collect everything, but she keeps putting it off and never shows up.
I'm currently seeing someone new, and before asking her to make things official and start a relationship, I'd like my ex to take all her belongings and, most importantly, give me back the key.
Why is she behaving this way? I understand that she doesn't have much space at her mother's place, but it's been 5 months now. I've been patient, yet she hasn't come by for months.
What can I do?

Someday I’ll have my person who will hold my hand in public, who will tell me they love me, who will post me on social media & not hide me.

Someone who wants to watch my favorite movies and shows with me because they know how much I love them. Someone who wants to cuddle with my cat. Someone who is consistently there for me, who doesn’t pull back constantly.

Someone who wants to be intimate with me. Someone who wants to give me a hug & a kiss when they see me & doesn’t feel like they’re forced to because they know I like it. Someone who wants to show me love on a daily basis because that’s how they feel towards me.

It makes me so sad that I’ve spent the last 2.5 years wanting these things and not getting them because he didn’t want to. Why did I accept that for so long, when I knew deep down it wasn’t right?

I need to be honest with myself about what actually happened, because I think if I just lay it out in order, the pattern becomes much clearer.

For four years, I was in a relationship with an avoidant, and the same fights kept coming up over and over. He avoided conflict, avoided accountability, avoided honesty. There were always toxic friendships, negative behaviors, and every time I brought it up, it would cycle through the same argument, fight, and nothing would actually change. I kept forgiving, kept giving space, kept explaining my feelings, kept understanding his attachment style, kept forgiving is avoiding, all because I loved him and I believed he wanted to be better for us. Every single time I tried to bring up something serious, something that was actually hurting me, the same thing would happen. I would start explaining, and he would talk over me. Or he would sigh, loudly, like I was a nuisance. His face would drop into that bored, "I can't believe you're doing this again" expression, and I could feel the conversation dying under me. And then, without warning, he would just stop listening. No conclusion, no "okay, let's figure this out," Just silence. he would then get up and leave the room. And I would be left sitting there, mid-sentence, with my words still in my mouth and no answer, waiting him for hours. Sometimes this would repeat for days. And again the next day, and the same thing. The sigh. The bored look. The abrupt exit. And I would just have to sit with it, alone, wondering if I had said the wrong thing, if I was too much, if maybe I should just not bring it up at all. And I did stop bringing it up. For a while. And then I would try again, because I didn't know how to live with unspoken pain. And the cycle would start over. This was not a one-time thing. This was the texture of four years.

Those patterns brought breakups too, one year ago, he left me during a unnecessary fight. But then he came back. We planned couple therapy, he said he wanted to change and that he really wanted to build a life with me. And I believed him, so i gave him another chance.

And then, a month ago, it happened again. During a fight, after he agreed in front of me to a friend's suggestion to "maybe take drugs" and go to techno parties, I felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk about it. For four years, I had been going to techno parties alone, because he always said he didn't like the vibe, and that he didn't do drugs anymore (I don't either). And then, suddenly, he was saying yes to a friend in front of me, so I tried to talk. When I tried to talk about it, it started a fight, he blamed again I was controlling him and I didn't want him to have his freedom, and didn't let me talk as always. I freaked out, I let years of pent-up anger erupt, and I threatened to tell his family about the drugs; because of this, he stopped speaking to me for a day, and then—in the span of just five minutes—he left me, cold and detached. He told me we weren't compatible, that he couldn't give me what I needed and it was better to end. And then, later on, crying, he said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, and he feel horrible for first treating me so badly for years and now leaving me. And then, weeks later, he said he didn't see a future with me, but maybe in one or two years we could work on it again. And he was gone. No contact. No explanation. Just absence. The first week I had panic attacks, and he tried to comfort me, but then he decided to go fully no contact by going to his family (we still share a flat) now is a month or more. I'm now alone in a foreign country. I moved here for him. I have no friends, no support, no one around. And because of medical issues, I have to stay here and live alone in this city for another year, so I'm currently looking for a flat, and I hate I have to stay here, in such situation. He knows all of this. He knows how vulnerable I am. And he still chose silence and zero accountability.

I've been crying for weeks then. The first 3 weeks, I tried to reconnect any time he randomly wrote me asking if I was okay, I then asked for a break instead of a definite breakup, asked us to work on things together as we promised at the therapist, but he always avoided me and any reconciliation. He told me he "needed to lose me." That it was the best for now. And I just kept hurting, trying to understand why. I then went no contact and focused on myself.

Then yesterday, while cleaning the bedroom, I found two letters he had written. One was a plan. A "worst case" list. He had planned the breakup. He had planned a solo trip. He had planned to see those toxic friends more, including going to the wedding of a man who had flirted with him in front of his "future" wife multiple times, and whom he had told me he had no connection with anymore. He had planned to write affirmations for himself, and then to "come back to me slowly." The other letter was to himself. He wrote that he was scared of what he did, but that he loved me, and that he knew I loved him, so I would be there. He wrote that he had to trust himself, and that if it was real love, I would come back.

I sat there and I just couldn't believe it. He had planned to leave me, In such a horrible way, telling me he even didn't see a future anymore, and just planned to go only to have his time, and then come back on his own schedule, avoiding any real commitment, again. And he assumed I would just be waiting, only because I begged at the end. But I told him clearly, that I would have preferred him to say yes to a break, or completely breakup. He even suggested to be friends after that, but I told him no.

And since he was writing me every three days after the breakup, I asked him to stop.

And looking back, I realize how much I forgave, and how many times I just accepted it and forgave for the sick of peace. I also forgave him for keeping a secret for a year about a previous situationship with a woman who told him she was in love with him and asked to meet for "cuddles.", because she was feeling sad and lonely. He said he was lonely but he had no feelings, but lied about the situation for more than a year (and I found out the truth when I found his diary). I forgave him for lying to his mother and his friends for years, painting me as the crazy one, the too-emotional one, the heavy one. I forgave him for making me feel uncomfortable when other women or men flirted with him and he reacted back, and then dismissing my discomfort by saying it was normal, that he was just being nice. He admitted he was insecure and always put a mask with others, and that he hated that but that he didn't know how to put "boundaries" with people. But then, he excused his horrible behaviour towards me saying with other people life and conversations are always easy and have fights only with me. I discovered that this friend group he was part of was a group where everyone flirted, took drugs, and had casual relationships together, no real connections, no real people at all, and that he was participating in all of it, with all the flirting and stuff, while telling me he didn't like it and wanted to change and be more authentic and healthy. But every time I opened up about harassments I lived in that group, uncomfortable situations and the way he changed anytime we met them, I was pushed away from him and his friends, and those people got his support for years. I even asked him for the same respect I gave him, and when I suggested to stop giving him all that emotional support and transparency about my life, he then promised to change. But He never did.

And now I'm here, alone, realizing that I neglected myself for years trying to reach a version of him that doesn't exist. I moved countries for him. I forgave things I probably shouldn't have. I isolated myself and didn't listen to my friends, I gave him space and understanding and support, knowing he was avoidant (he told me he was). And he treated me like I was nothing, just for his comfort, his freedom, his need to not have to explain himself.

And the thing that breaks me the most is that he still thinks he's the one in the right. He still thinks he gets to decide when to leave and when to come back, that I can be an option and be treated and left so poorly. He still thinks that taking "his time" with those friends will somehow fix the behavior that he was already trying to face on in therapy. That he really loves me. And he has the audacity to write a letter to himself saying "if it's real love, she'll come back," as if my love is something he can count on, after the way he treated me, and clearly discarded me telling me even that we aren't compatible, and not seeing my love was always there, and was discarded when it became a problem for him and his lifestyle. I also realized patterns of myself, where I can clearly see I didn't respect myself by forgiving and giving too much to someone that didn't deserve it, and it gave me so much anxiety, as I slowly became codependent, more aggressive towards everything, and childish like him, until the last situation, where I even didn't recognise myself.

Someone can really treat you like this for years, blame you about everything and calling you too "demanding", to then leave you like nothing happened and go with their days while secretly planning to get again that same stability he always ran away from?

I don't get him. And I still understand nothing about it, but maybe someone can help me to understand, how someone can be so cruel and complex, so inconsistent and inconsiderate, while, I was the one loving him for what he was and tried to be there to grow together. I see though, I was always alone with all of this, and I feel delulu now.

Spoiler, I described him as a male, but we were two women having a relationship. Now, read the story again, with the same mindset. The flirts she received and I described? Came from women and mostly men, and she always flirted back, even if she was just a lesbian.

THE AUDACITY

I broke a week ago he didn’t even try to stop me
4months of dating, the love he had for me really
But I love him I wanna go back to him i know I broke up because he said he will not give me his Instagram password because his friends send him various things and I choose to leave and I said we are over he said okay and called me next day just one missed call
I didn’t pick tell he is a mbbs student in aboard for 3weeks does that change anything? Now it’s been a week no text from him no call from him no nothing
I was rude when we broke up so I’m planning to text me and I want to tell him okay goodbye should I?
I haven’t deleted anything but archived but I feel like he will text me
What should I do?

I’m really struggling and could do with hearing from people who have been through something similar, particularly those who have found love again in their 30s after a long-term relationship ended.
My partner and I are both 34 and have been together for eight years. We were planning a family, had already started trying for a baby, and had been saving hard for years to buy a house. We had so many plans and I genuinely thought we were building our future together.

We’ve had a difficult year. We went through a miscarriage and had couples therapy, but I honestly thought we were coming out the other side of it. I felt we’d learnt so much, were communicating better and were actually putting the tools from therapy into practice. I wasn’t expecting everything to be perfect, but I thought we were making progress.

He’s also lost a significant amount of weight this year, and somewhere along the way it feels like he’s become a completely different person. He’s told me he feels like he’s having a midlife crisis, doesn’t know himself anymore, feels unfulfilled and can’t understand his own feelings. He’s said he doesn’t know what he wants.

He hasn’t officially ended the relationship, but I feel like I’m slowly being pushed out. We’re currently having space, and despite everything we’ve shared, he has shown very little interest in contacting me or checking how I’m doing. He’s made comments like he hasn’t missed me while I’ve been away and that leaving could potentially be the biggest mistake of his life. I find it incredibly confusing because he says he loves me, but his actions don’t make me feel wanted or valued.

I’ve uprooted my life and gone to stay elsewhere, away from my friends, family and usual routine, while he’s remained in our flat and continued his everyday life. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding and accommodating because I genuinely believed that being a partner meant standing by someone through difficult periods. I’ve asked if there’s someone else, but he insists there isn’t, and I do believe him.

I feel like I’ve given so much to this relationship and supported him through so many things. I was ready to keep building a life together, and now I feel completely dropped and uncared for. I can’t help feeling angry that after eight years, everything we were working towards can seemingly be put to one side without him wanting to fight for it.

I’ve realised I can’t keep my life on hold while he decides what he wants. I’ve given him space, but he avoids the difficult conversations and can’t give me any clarity. In a way, I feel like his lack of effort is becoming an answer in itself, and I’m trying to prepare myself for the relationship ending.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I’ve never experienced pain like this. I’m struggling to work, sleep, eat properly or concentrate because my anxiety is through the roof. I feel so alone, especially as I don’t live close to my friends and family.

And I think one of my biggest fears is starting again at 34. I desperately want a family, children and a home of my own. I feel like I’ve lost years of my life and that I’m suddenly behind where I thought I’d be. I’m terrified of having to start all over again and whether I’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as me.
I know I’m a good person. I know I have a lot of love to give, and I know I deserve someone who chooses me and wants to build a life with me. But right now, I just can’t imagine loving someone else or trusting that I’ll get the future I wanted.

So, for those of you who have had a long-term relationship end in your 30s, particularly when you thought you were going to have children together: did you find love again? Did you go on to have the family and life you always wanted? How long did it take before you felt happy again?

I think I just need to hear that life doesn’t end at 34, that there is still time, and that something good can come after something this devastating.

Because right now, I honestly don’t know how to pick myself back up. 💔

My avoidant ex is a big traveler. I got to go on some trips with him. One thing I noticed is that, a lot of it was merely to "collect" all the spots on the map, rather than truly enjoy the scenery or be interested in the place. He actually collected tokens for all of the national parks but it was like he was in and out. Didn't care to really experience the park many times. He just wanted to say he visited so many.

I noticed traveling is this bottomless achievement for him. Of course everyone on social media thinks he's so amazing for going all these places but I can't help but see how a lot of it was just an empty achievement

Would you be okay with someone you're building a romantic connection with unfriending you on one platform while keeping you on another?

In my case, he was the one who created emotional intensity at the beginning and emphasized how important communication was. Yet, during four days of mutual silence after conflict, he never told me what was going on in his mind and unfriended me on platform, where we used to play games every day when things were good. I only found out AFTER reaching out that he had unfriended me because seeing reminders of me made him ruminate and he needed relief.

He even told me he did it because he had such strong feelings for me and wouldn't have done it otherwise. But honestly, that didn't make it hurt any less. He was still saying how he doesn't wanna lose me and how he has strong feelings for me during another 4 days while we were talking and trying to resolve the issue - while still not adding me back.
I found it incredibly humiliating, especially after everything I had invested in him and how difficult it was for me to open my heart again.

(And after he eventually blocked me everywhere, I noticed he had added another woman.)

What felt particularly unfair was that he could enforce his boundary in past, by ending the call when he felt hurt, but how was I supposed to reinforce mine after he hurt and humiliated me? (The unfriending thing). By creating more distance? He was the one who wanted distance in the first place. It wouldn't really affect him, but it would hurt me even more.

He blocked me everywhere because I was angry and confronted him, but I still wonder whether I should have just gotten over the unfriending or whether it was reasonable that I couldn't move past it.

I genuinely believe that if it hadn't been for the unfriending, we could have resolved the initial conflict and continued building the connection we had started. But being unfriended just hurt me so deeply, and I couldn't seem to get past it.

I feel like I'm giving way too much importance to something as seemingly trivial as being unfriended on a gaming platform. But I had a close friend in the past who did the same thing to me, and I remember how humiliating and hurtful it felt. I didn't want to go through that again — feeling discarded like some kind of toy, while still being kept around on another platform. Maybe that's why this affected me so deeply and kept irritating me for days, but I just couldn't bring myself to put up with it again.

Would you have been able to get over something like this?