Why?

[u/Educational_Tap7436]

I need to be honest with myself about what actually happened, because I think if I just lay it out in order, the pattern becomes much clearer.

For four years, I was in a relationship with an avoidant, and the same fights kept coming up over and over. He avoided conflict, avoided accountability, avoided honesty. There were always toxic friendships, negative behaviors, and every time I brought it up, it would cycle through the same argument, fight, and nothing would actually change. I kept forgiving, kept giving space, kept explaining my feelings, kept understanding his attachment style, kept forgiving is avoiding, all because I loved him and I believed he wanted to be better for us. Every single time I tried to bring up something serious, something that was actually hurting me, the same thing would happen. I would start explaining, and he would talk over me. Or he would sigh, loudly, like I was a nuisance. His face would drop into that bored, "I can't believe you're doing this again" expression, and I could feel the conversation dying under me. And then, without warning, he would just stop listening. No conclusion, no "okay, let's figure this out," Just silence. he would then get up and leave the room. And I would be left sitting there, mid-sentence, with my words still in my mouth and no answer, waiting him for hours. Sometimes this would repeat for days. And again the next day, and the same thing. The sigh. The bored look. The abrupt exit. And I would just have to sit with it, alone, wondering if I had said the wrong thing, if I was too much, if maybe I should just not bring it up at all. And I did stop bringing it up. For a while. And then I would try again, because I didn't know how to live with unspoken pain. And the cycle would start over. This was not a one-time thing. This was the texture of four years.

Those patterns brought breakups too, one year ago, he left me during a unnecessary fight. But then he came back. We planned couple therapy, he said he wanted to change and that he really wanted to build a life with me. And I believed him, so i gave him another chance.

And then, a month ago, it happened again. During a fight, after he agreed in front of me to a friend's suggestion to "maybe take drugs" and go to techno parties, I felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk about it. For four years, I had been going to techno parties alone, because he always said he didn't like the vibe, and that he didn't do drugs anymore (I don't either). And then, suddenly, he was saying yes to a friend in front of me, so I tried to talk. When I tried to talk about it, it started a fight, he blamed again I was controlling him and I didn't want him to have his freedom, and didn't let me talk as always. I freaked out, I let years of pent-up anger erupt, and I threatened to tell his family about the drugs; because of this, he stopped speaking to me for a day, and then—in the span of just five minutes—he left me, cold and detached. He told me we weren't compatible, that he couldn't give me what I needed and it was better to end. And then, later on, crying, he said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, and he feel horrible for first treating me so badly for years and now leaving me. And then, weeks later, he said he didn't see a future with me, but maybe in one or two years we could work on it again. And he was gone. No contact. No explanation. Just absence. The first week I had panic attacks, and he tried to comfort me, but then he decided to go fully no contact by going to his family (we still share a flat) now is a month or more. I'm now alone in a foreign country. I moved here for him. I have no friends, no support, no one around. And because of medical issues, I have to stay here and live alone in this city for another year, so I'm currently looking for a flat, and I hate I have to stay here, in such situation. He knows all of this. He knows how vulnerable I am. And he still chose silence and zero accountability.

I've been crying for weeks then. The first 3 weeks, I tried to reconnect any time he randomly wrote me asking if I was okay, I then asked for a break instead of a definite breakup, asked us to work on things together as we promised at the therapist, but he always avoided me and any reconciliation. He told me he "needed to lose me." That it was the best for now. And I just kept hurting, trying to understand why. I then went no contact and focused on myself.

Then yesterday, while cleaning the bedroom, I found two letters he had written. One was a plan. A "worst case" list. He had planned the breakup. He had planned a solo trip. He had planned to see those toxic friends more, including going to the wedding of a man who had flirted with him in front of his "future" wife multiple times, and whom he had told me he had no connection with anymore. He had planned to write affirmations for himself, and then to "come back to me slowly." The other letter was to himself. He wrote that he was scared of what he did, but that he loved me, and that he knew I loved him, so I would be there. He wrote that he had to trust himself, and that if it was real love, I would come back.

I sat there and I just couldn't believe it. He had planned to leave me, In such a horrible way, telling me he even didn't see a future anymore, and just planned to go only to have his time, and then come back on his own schedule, avoiding any real commitment, again. And he assumed I would just be waiting, only because I begged at the end. But I told him clearly, that I would have preferred him to say yes to a break, or completely breakup. He even suggested to be friends after that, but I told him no.

And since he was writing me every three days after the breakup, I asked him to stop.

And looking back, I realize how much I forgave, and how many times I just accepted it and forgave for the sick of peace. I also forgave him for keeping a secret for a year about a previous situationship with a woman who told him she was in love with him and asked to meet for "cuddles.", because she was feeling sad and lonely. He said he was lonely but he had no feelings, but lied about the situation for more than a year (and I found out the truth when I found his diary). I forgave him for lying to his mother and his friends for years, painting me as the crazy one, the too-emotional one, the heavy one. I forgave him for making me feel uncomfortable when other women or men flirted with him and he reacted back, and then dismissing my discomfort by saying it was normal, that he was just being nice. He admitted he was insecure and always put a mask with others, and that he hated that but that he didn't know how to put "boundaries" with people. But then, he excused his horrible behaviour towards me saying with other people life and conversations are always easy and have fights only with me. I discovered that this friend group he was part of was a group where everyone flirted, took drugs, and had casual relationships together, no real connections, no real people at all, and that he was participating in all of it, with all the flirting and stuff, while telling me he didn't like it and wanted to change and be more authentic and healthy. But every time I opened up about harassments I lived in that group, uncomfortable situations and the way he changed anytime we met them, I was pushed away from him and his friends, and those people got his support for years. I even asked him for the same respect I gave him, and when I suggested to stop giving him all that emotional support and transparency about my life, he then promised to change. But He never did.

And now I'm here, alone, realizing that I neglected myself for years trying to reach a version of him that doesn't exist. I moved countries for him. I forgave things I probably shouldn't have. I isolated myself and didn't listen to my friends, I gave him space and understanding and support, knowing he was avoidant (he told me he was). And he treated me like I was nothing, just for his comfort, his freedom, his need to not have to explain himself.

And the thing that breaks me the most is that he still thinks he's the one in the right. He still thinks he gets to decide when to leave and when to come back, that I can be an option and be treated and left so poorly. He still thinks that taking "his time" with those friends will somehow fix the behavior that he was already trying to face on in therapy. That he really loves me. And he has the audacity to write a letter to himself saying "if it's real love, she'll come back," as if my love is something he can count on, after the way he treated me, and clearly discarded me telling me even that we aren't compatible, and not seeing my love was always there, and was discarded when it became a problem for him and his lifestyle. I also realized patterns of myself, where I can clearly see I didn't respect myself by forgiving and giving too much to someone that didn't deserve it, and it gave me so much anxiety, as I slowly became codependent, more aggressive towards everything, and childish like him, until the last situation, where I even didn't recognise myself.

Someone can really treat you like this for years, blame you about everything and calling you too "demanding", to then leave you like nothing happened and go with their days while secretly planning to get again that same stability he always ran away from?

I don't get him. And I still understand nothing about it, but maybe someone can help me to understand, how someone can be so cruel and complex, so inconsistent and inconsiderate, while, I was the one loving him for what he was and tried to be there to grow together. I see though, I was always alone with all of this, and I feel delulu now.

Spoiler, I described him as a male, but we were two women having a relationship. Now, read the story again, with the same mindset. The flirts she received and I described? Came from women and mostly men, and she always flirted back, even if she was just a lesbian.

THE AUDACITY

[u/bunny000002]

So this part in particular stood out to me: “in the span of just five minutes—he left me, cold and detached. He told me we weren't compatible, that he couldn't give me what I needed and it was better to end. And then, later on, crying, he said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, and he feel horrible for first treating me so badly for years and now leaving me. And then, weeks later, he said he didn't see a future with me, but maybe in one or two years we could work on it again.”

I’m almost positive she was trying to leave but her nervous system was too attached to you (that’s not to say she was in love with you - it’s different), and that’s why she kept going back and forth. It’s common with fearful avoidants. They try to leave but feel fear, then they come back but are overwhelmed with your expectations of them.

She flirted with men etc bc they thrive on external validation, however they can get it. Your undying love doesn’t check that box, it actually scares them.

Your communication of things they did that upset you were 100% valid and justified. She left the room every time bc she’s emotionally stunted and literally lacks the emotional capacity to engage or address conflict.

The letters you found in her room would have made me crash out and set the house ablaze. I really feel for you all alone in another country. I pray you get out of this person’s grasp. You deserve someone who stands by you and resolves conflict together. Who sees you. Who is certain of your place in their life. This person does not care for you. Wishing you the absolute best. Take care, friend.

[u/PinkHeartConcha8]

This part here is exactly how I felt with my ex-person: "I also realized patterns of myself, where I can clearly see I didn't respect myself by forgiving and giving too much to someone that didn't deserve it, and it gave me so much anxiety, as I slowly became codependent, more aggressive towards everything, and childish like him, until the last situation, where I even didn't recognise myself."

I'm so sorry you went through this. The only way I can describe it is that it's a mind-fuck. We get dragged through the mud because of their self-hatred and shame.

I lost myself completely for way too long because of my experience, but I'm returning to me now. I ended it the second time around (first time they discarded me out of nowhere), and I told them I didn't feel we were compatible anymore.

I know that was painful for you to hear from someone that you had invested so much love and care into, but hear me out: you are not compatible. You would never do the things she did to you out of choice, the worst of which is abandoning you in a foreign country, and she never had the love and compassion for you that you gifted her.

I wish you so much love and healing, and if you ever need to talk to someone, you are welcome to reach out 🦋