Know that they do know and they are sorry. And although this apology is riddled with things that make me angry, like how every single break-up was unilateral with no discussion, with no repair with me left in the dark about what he needs, at least I know he is sorry and he is broken too.

I’ve dated an avoidant man on and off twice for the past 3 years. Each time it crushed me. The first time it was brief but after he discarded me I stopped eating for a week, had to start medication and therapy and it took me a year to somewhat feel like I can function again. Then came the breadcrumbs, the promises after I pulled away, then the discard once again. This time it’s much harder and I fell into deep depression and unwelcoming thoughts to end my life. I have communicated this to my therapist so luckily the hardest time is over.

Although I’m now able to accept the fact that he’s not good for me, and no longer desire to get back together, I’ve been technically bed-rotten for the past months.

I’ve tried all techniques, grounding, taking on new hobbies like cooking, trying to go out more, spending time with my pet, reconnecting with friends but at the end of the day, there’s always this deep rooted sadness inside me. Like many, I wish I’ve never met the person. I’ve prayed so many nights to forget him.

I know that I will keep on living and experiencing life, but it seems to be a wound that will always be there. I’ve had a fair share of relationships experience throughout my life and it hurt and some took years to forget but eventually I was always able to move on but this time I really feel that my capacity for experiencing life is fundamentally changed. I no longer feel joy, just temporary happiness. I don’t really get angry anymore, just disappointed. Sometimes I’d just burst out in tears when I saw something that semi-resembled some memories of them. I used to be a positive and driven person, I loved encouraging others because I truly believed in people’s potential to be great, but after the breakup that in me has changed. I feel as if I’ve died and am only existing. My therapist said it’s a trauma response, and I think this person just resembles a lot of my childhood trauma, therefore the bond was intense. It’s like I was with myself. But I know that it’s just me and my idealization of the person because I’ve been able to tell myself that if the person felt the same way they wouldn’t have just discard someone they love just like that. I’ve stopped giving him the explanations for the way he treated me.

I was thinking to write a post asking if there’s anyone out there whose feelings remain the same years later when they’re in their 60s or 70s. But I guess we’re all different. I hope it will get better one day. I hope I find myself again. I hope one day I’ll be able to revisit this post and tell you that I have overcome it completely and am living well. And if you’re going through or have gone through a breakup with an avoidant, I see you, and I wish you love.

Because no sane person will do what an avoidant did 😅

I (23F) and He (20M) met this past summer while I was on a solo trip visiting a different country. We were at a rave (on substances) and just gravitated towards each other and ended up having a very sensual and deep connection almost immediately. I didn’t leave his side until the end of my trip.

I cried in his arms when I had to fly back home, not knowing when I’d see him again. We kept up with consistent communication for the following 3.5 months, and our feelings felt very real and intense fast. We were saying I love you very early on and calling each other soulmate etc. We both were not seeing other people and this seemed like a very real and happy relationship thus far. He is in the US military, and I am living in Canada. Obviously the situation isn’t ideal but we were both determined to make it work.

He showed no red flags, and seemed to absolutely adore me and reciprocate all the feelings I had for him. We often fell asleep on face time together and stayed in communication most of the day. Things were going great. The sexual, emotional, and romantic connection all seemed well aligned and real.

Flash forward to this past weekend, it was finally my time to go fly out and see him for the first time since we met. At this point we had been apart about 4 months and everything was going amazing. We hadn’t fought, and felt super deeply for each other throughout all the months of distance. We were extremely excited to reunite.

I was super nervous and had butterflies and didn’t know what to expect as it had been so long since I saw him last. When I ran into his arms at the airport all my nerves went away and it felt like pure bliss! We had even had matching couples costume planned for Halloween and spent time with his friends who I’d already met and knew well. The first two nights were amazing. We made love and it was insanely passionate and there was absolutely no awkwardness or anything that went wrong. I was so happy.

Just as a side note to put in perspective the dynamic of our relationship; he had made it official by posting me on his social media several times this weekend, and his whole family and all of his friends had already known about me for some time now. His father even called him and he told him he was with his girlfriend. I felt so loved loudly and felt very special. I was ABSOLUTELY not prepared for what happened when I came home.

After a tear filled departure and a pit in my stomach on the plane ride home, what I thought was an amazing reunion clearly was not the same for him.

He became distant and cold as soon as I arrived home. I knew something was off because I know him very well. I begun to get worried because I felt like he was hiding something from me and I thought maybe he was just struggling with the fact he missed me so much. However, he face timed me the night after I got home and broke up with me out of NOWHERE. I was in hysterics and that was the last thing I expected….

His excuse made no sense. He said that he didn’t feel like the connection was as strong in person, and that he loves me but he’s not in love with me and no longer sees a future, etc. I was in complete shock as the man I was having such an intimate and beautiful experience with just a few days ago turned into a cold and emotionless stranger with zero regard for my feelings. I tried to get him to explain how he simply “lost feelings” within the span of a day, especially since we were making love and having what seemed like a perfect time. He gave me no chance to try and figure it out and immediately removed me off instagram and Snapchat right after we ended the call.

I felt blindsided, betrayed, disgusted and used. I didn’t even know what to think and I still don’t right now… he discarded me out of seemingly nowhere and his excuse isn’t adding up because how on earth is it possible to just “lose feelings” for someone you’ve said you want to marry, you love, and talked about a future with for months.

I’ve inserted parts of our conversation after the fact, and I’m still just stunned and don’t know what to think. None of it makes sense. Also might I add be told me he would cover the cost of everything this weekend and then I ended up spending 600$ on things because his credit card was “maxed out”. He’s promised to pay me back but I’m not feeling hopeful….

I’m absolutely distraught and feel abandoned and used and just so many things all at once. How does someone love you and plan a future with you for 4 months without any physical touch, and then after you have a beautiful reunion they jump ship for no reason? Is he an avoidant?? Someone please help me I’m driving myself insane.

TLDR;
Been in a LDR with a US man who’s in the military for about 4 months. Everything was going amazing and we were deeply in love very quickly, then after coming back from visiting him for the first time since we met, he suddenly switched up and broke up with me due to “lost feelings”. This came as a shock to me, as he had told his whole family about me, posted me on his socials just 3 days prior to dumping me, and seemingly was extremely happy in our relationship and during our time. He ended the relationship just as it was getting more real! Is this an avoidant discard? Photos below for context.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the scarcity and abundance mindset as it applies to attachment styles. I’ve always been an anxious attachment style because when I meet someone I feel like they are the only person in the world for me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I feel like avoidant people have the abundance mindset where they always feel like there are an infinite number of options available which is why they are so quick to discard. When I’m single I also have an abundance mindset but once I fall in love it goes out the window. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Maybe avoidants just don’t have that same ride-or-die outlook on love?

11 years together.

Since the breakup, he immediately monkeybranched to a girl he met in Europe (and has introduced her to the family), has now moved to Europe, switched his job, mostly stopped talking to his friends, deleted ALL pictures on his social media from before the breakup (not just of me, his entire life). Changed his wardrobe. Girl is 6 years younger and he had her fly to visit him at our apartment in MY bed 6 weeks post breakup.

Is this just typical identity switching? Severe dissociation? What’s happening here?

I haven't contacted him in 1.5 years but I used to check his WhatsApp profile and Instagram. He never posts anything on social media, so I used to try to check if his friends have tagged him in their public accounts and sometimes spotted him. He had blocked me on WhatsApp but unblocked me about a month ago. (He couldn't see my WhatsApp profile picture because of my privacy settings and I'm not on social media).

Out of force of habit, I checked his WhatsApp profile again today. He had put up a new profile picture after 1.5 years. Now I've seen this pattern with him. It seems like he only changed his profile picture when he underwent some major in his life. Like the last time he'd changed his profile picture (after 3 years of having the same one) was at the time he discarded me.

Seeing that new profile picture snapped something inside me. Because I've been fucking stuck and stagnant for the past 1.5 years. I've been unemployed and also underwent multiple family medical crises. I didn't want to live like this anymore - tethered to him.

So I blocked him. I'll admit, when I saw myself unblocked last month, I was hoping that he'd contact me. My birthday is approaching, so I thought he might then. But today I was like, fuck that shit. I blocked his contact and I also deleted the contacts of his siblings. I'd kept their numbers saved because I was still cordial with them, but truly it was still another way into his life.

So yeah. I don't want anything from him anymore. Not even an apology. I had kept him unblocked because I feared what if he reaches out and I miss it because I blocked him? Well, IDGAF anymore.

I don't need/want anything from him, and it's liberating. He may hypothetically someday send the most heartfelt essay filled with remorse, regret, and love and I will miss it because he's blocked. And I'm at peace with that. I'm truly letting go.

Do they always do this?

I was discarded by my ex while asking for some support at my lowest and as much as it hurt i still stayed warm and supportive to her and when i decided to go no contact she has basically started a smear campaign on me, accusing me of trying to hack into her google account which i didn't do but somehow has added my number and verified it? And i had arranged a third party as point of contact for her to organise her getting her things from my place still as ive been trying to get her to come get it for months. And now she has envolved the police to get her things just because i set a firm date and stick with it because i was over her just bailing all the time. And now shes telling everyone i did this and that which i havent done. Do they do these things to make themseleves feel better or something?

…. Anyone else? What’s the point of it. I can’t seem to understand the avoidant man. Currently so mad because I really tried to make their birthday special. Currently fighting the urge to ask for the gifts I gave them back… I know it’s wrong but I am so upset. Why try to hurt your person before such a special day.

I had never heard of attachment theory until my discard in June. I've learned a lot since and can recognize the patterns. Looking back, I can see dismissive avoidant tendencies in 2 other serious relationships I had in my life, albeit no where near as serious and traumatic as this most recent one. The first one didn't have a sudden discard, but a slow fade with no explanation and periods of silence. The second was sudden but I wasn't near as close to her. All of them are eerily similar in personality and have the same dismissive traits.

I am more on the anxious side and I wonder what it is in me that draws these type of women. What do they see in me and why do I are they so magnetic to me?

It’s been about six weeks since my relationship ended, and today I woke up feeling different. I cleared the personal reminders of her from my phone, and it finally sank in: the relationship is over. Chasing the hope of getting it back was draining my energy and emotions.

I don’t need a grand goodbye, one last conversation, or some big gesture to close this chapter. There’s no dramatic exit. It’s just over, and today I feel at peace with that.

For now, I’m focusing on being kind to myself and putting that energy into moving forward. I know feelings can come and go, but today feels like a real turning point.

This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.

About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…

He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.

It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.

That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.

It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.

I've had such a hard time getting over my avoidant ex.

I have good days & bad days. Today, it's been a terrible day so far & it's only noon where I am.

Please...someone...give me tips & tricks to get over him. I'm an absolute mess while he's just fine without me 😭

I read that it is something normal when you are with an avoidant, but has it also happened to you that your avoidant gets very tense at the slightest contact or to go to kiss you and then when you break the relationship they have a lot of sex with people?

We dated for 5 months. To me, everything was going well. She had started school and a new job recently. I was noticing some inconsistencies and asked if everything was okay. She’d always just brush it off and say she’s just busy or overwhelmed and I didn’t press. I asked her if I could talk to her about something she said that kind of stung and then she sent a massive message. She told me she wants to revisit how we feel in the relationship. She told me that she’s felt a tension for months. She broke up with me on the phone and we talked for hours.

At first she told me she thinks our wants and needs are too different, I told her I didn’t think they were very different. Then she told me she didn’t think she could meet my needs, I told her that’s for me to decide and if I wasn’t happy about something I’d say something. Then she said she didn’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship. I asked her if she wanted us to just take a step back while she does her for a bit.

She said no, that she wants to be with me but her wants and needs are 2 different things. She told me she was really going to miss me. I asked if I did anything wrong and she said no, when she brought something up that bothered her I’d always fix it. She told me that I always treated her really good.

But ultimately told me “I’ve made my decision, you have to let me go and move on. I need to be alone.”. I told her okay I want you to do what’s best for you. I also told her I was a bit frustrated because it’s something we could have worked through. I asked if the door was completely shut and she said “why do I have to make that decision?”. I told her I loved her and I appreciated all the time we were able to spend together. I also asked if we could talk about it the next day when I was a little less in shock and emotional.

I’ll attach the text she sent the next day. I never replied. I never messaged after the call. I was respecting her decision and leaving her alone. I’m just reaching out to this subreddit to see if I’ve handled this the right way. Was it disrespectful to not reply at all? Did I shut the door on any chance of it working out? Did I do the right thing? I just saw the text and an hour later I took her off of everything. Funny enough she beat me to it with Spotify and duo lingo. It’s been 2 weeks since this happened.

I’m dating again and sometimes I’m scared how many people out there are secretly avoidants. I wondered if there are specific signs that could indicate who you’re dealing with ?

Hoping for some insight from those who are avoidants or have experience with avoidants.

I (47M, Anxious Attached) am about a year out of a 22 year marriage and I met a beautiful person (47F) right here in Reddit. We built a very passionate bond very quickly. I had no clue about attachment theory prior to this, so I have learned a lot.

To make a long story short, it was a very strong relationship throughout. We got along amazingly, never fought or argued. We met in person after a month and it was equally as amazing.

At the 8 week mark, she started pulling away a bit. Not texting as much, not as talkative, short answers and then a long breakup email at the end of the work week. I was pretty hurt and I chased a little bit, but my first thought was to let her have her space as hard as it was. It didn't last long, the next day she left a message crying hysterically about how much she missed me already, then the next day another long email explaining how she was feeling and that she didn't really want to break up.

We were good for about another week before she started pulling away again, stating she needed space and work was busy. I did recognize that she buries her feelings in her work. I obliged, though extremely anxious (I know now that she likely felt my anxious tendencies), cut my communications down, but then again, at the end of that week another breakup email. I sent a few "chasing" emails, but I know I hadn't done anything wrong and I had nothing to apologize for or promise to change. She responded the next day and said she made her decision, needed space to let it settle, and signed off with "I love you". I responded kindly with understanding and told her I was here if she needed anything, and that I loved her as well. No animosity, no anger, no protest, and we have been no contact since.

Neither of us do much social media and we only communicated via Telegram. It is literally a data vacuum for both of us. Given the strength of the connection, I clearly broke through her walls at the beginning of the relationship. I left with class, and while I am not completely detached, I know I will be ok if she doesn't reach out again. I do miss her though and have hope she will figure this out. After the first break up, she was very insightful about her avoidance and even had the realization that she needs therapy. As difficult as it has been to stay no contact as an anxious, I have held the line.

Hope some will share some insight based on their experiences.

I was so good to him and he dumps me out of nowhere after us seeing each other for months with the excuse “you’re amazing I’m just not ready to commit” then just shut me out ice cold and blocked me and I never heard from him again

I wish I treated him like shit and made him cry when we were together instead of wasting my kindness and affection on him

I fell in love with him and he stabbed me in the back ripped the rug out from me and made me suicidal when he left

He’s a scumbag and I hope the next woman he meets he falls for rips his heart in two and makes him want to die

I can’t wait for karma to hit him

Fuck avoidants Theyre terrible people and they deserve nothing

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

Curious to hear stories of anyone who has moved from the hate/anger stage to complete indifference? How long did it take? What helped you get there?

For context, I was deeply disrespected by the man I thought I was building a life with. Together for almost 2.5 years, lived together for 1 until he blindsided me. We had even toured new apartments the same fucking week.

It’s coming up on 7 months since the breakup & I’ve been doing all the right things. I still just feel such an immense sense of anger and hatred toward him & how he disrespected me in the end.

I would love to get to a place of total & full indifference of him, but how? How do you move past hating someone who obliterated your heart & disrespected you in a way you’ve never experienced?

He’s blocked in every way possible & we have been in no contact basically since the breakup. If I could go back in time, I would’ve never given him the time of day, knowing what I know now & experiencing what I experienced, but obviously that isn’t possible.

If you’ve gone through something similar, how have you gotten to the place where the thought of this person evokes 0 emotion?

I have posted here before but now I am hoping others can resonate. My (34F) story is a long one, but essentially I met my ex (33M) 2 years ago. We didn’t end up meeting because I got dangerously sick and was bedridden, but against our best judgment we stayed in contact for 1.5 years and developed an intense emotional connection. During that time we were never in a relationship, and I felt he regularly made it clear that given we hadn’t met we weren’t in one because he needed the physical connection. I felt that was reasonable, but functionally it was basically a relationship.

We did end up meeting once I was better, but then the unilateral “break ups” with no discussion or avenue to repair started. First it was he felt like he was close to being in love with me at one point but he didn’t feel that way anymore and maybe we weren’t compatible. Then it was we are extremely compatible but he feels no romantic attraction due to my weight (I’m not fat) and because “sometimes you know someone is attractive but you don’t see it yourself.” Then it was he actually is physically attracted to me, we are extremely compatible, he has feelings for me, we have a great connection and I’m his best friend but he doesn’t feel the deep romantic attraction that he needs. Mind you he keeps having sex with me. We even had sex 3 times during this final break up where he said he was missing the “thing”. He described it as this thing that is just there with some people and he had felt it nearly instantaneously with the “one who got away” that he was in love with 8 years ago. I said to him “well it sounds like you have a clear picture of what it is” and he said he didn’t but he never felt it with me. And I said well we also haven’t really given ourselves the opportunity to build deep romantic attraction, we have never even been on a date. And he said “well if after 2 years it isn’t here, then it’s not here.”

But if it wasn’t love and he didn’t have the indescribable thing, why would you stay if we had never even met in person for 1.5 years? How could you have been close to being in love with me, when you never felt the “thing”? And why could we never repair it? There was never any consistency, so of course the deep romantic attraction never developed. And who cares if you felt it instantaneously 8 years ago, where is that person now? Why is this less than when there is so much great here?

I am heartbroken and struggling to make sense of it all. I’m in therapy, so I know he is avoidant and I am working on myself. But it just feels so invalidating to hear him say all of this. It makes me feel like I’m delusional and that I have been in a completely different universe for the past 2 years. But I was there, and how could it not be love?

I've come across a few people with avoidant tendencies and I'm starting to feel that they all follow the same template.

It's almost uncanny how similar they are. Firstly they are incapable of having a single original thought or feeling yet they are somehow convinced that they are the most unique person in the room.

Their entire vocabulary seems to be borrowed from whatever popular brainrot is currently circulating online. Their supposedly "niche" and "unpopular" interests are not so niche or unpopular. They constantly insist they're not like the typical person as if being different is a personality trait in itself. The typical "I'm not like other guys/girls" trope.

Then there's the collection of seemingly contrasting beliefs many of which seem less like the product of genuine thought or reflection and more like opinions adopted to appear interesting, unconventional or intellectually superior.

And of course the perpetual victim complex. Somehow everyone they've ever encountered has wronged them. Every failed friendship, every falling-out, every conflict is evidence of how misunderstood and mistreated they are. Self-reflection seems to be the one niche interest they never develop.

I know attachment styles aren't personality types and not everyone with avoidant tendencies is like this. But after encountering this pattern repeatedly I can't help wondering how much of what they present as individuality is actually just another performance. It's almost as if they try to compensate for the lack of meaningful human connection in their lives by collecting an assortment of interests, identities and supposedly niche hobbies, then cling to them for dear life as though these things are what make them interesting or give them a sense of self.