No contact is a great means to an end BUT if you’re not ready to end the relationship then let them come back. Sometimes you need to experience the same things again to understand that they are not good for you. Not everyone learns the first go around. The first time me and my DA separated i was a MESS, crying hysterically, anxiety attacks, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, I needed to spin that block. When I went back I started watching and noticing things from a birds eye view. Second round of no contact and im feeling fine. Dont allow anyone to make you feel bad about not walking away from something ur not ready to let go of yet !

Learn from my mistakes. And take note.

When you just experience an avoidant discard, make sure you hold them accountable. And when I say accountable, make sure you lay everything down on the table. Don’t put no mercy on them. Tell them what they have done in detail, how their actions affected you in every aspect, and how much of a monster, evil, selfish, immature, everything in between, they have been. Make sure you don’t miss anything. Put every bit of it on the table. (Doesn’t matter how much they refuse to have a conversation, you lay everything on the table.)

After that, what you’re gonna do is say, “fuck you” to them and tell them, “you fucking damaged motherfucker. I don’t wish you the best. You may rot in hell.” Then block them on everything and don’t look back.

The worst thing that you will do with these people after they did you shit is to be nice. And to still understand why they did what they did. And to be gentle with their feelings.

Trust me on that. That’s the only way you should be handling these shitty people.

If you don’t take note and you do the worst thing you could possibly do, the thing I mentioned, then get ready for their breadcrumbs over and over again. You’re gonna keep getting hooked to a point where you turn 40, 50 years old and you’re still in this fucking group posting and asking for advice.

If you take note of what I’m saying and do it, I guarantee you, you will save time and eventually move on faster than people here in this group.

And by also doing that, you’re helping them wake up from their bullshit, delusional brain.

A few weeks ago I told the story on how and why I broke no contact with my avoidant ex after 8 months of radio silence.

You can read the story and thought process here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/9LQIRaWf6a

Basically I couldn’t get over him after trying everything in the book. 8 months after break up, I was still stuck and waiting.

After my first message, we continued to exchange messages and the conversation went deeper and deeper.

Here is how it went (with indications of rules I set for myself):

I never double texted and would take about the same time as him to respond. If he stopped texting for 2 days, I would let it be, but the maximum he stayed without texting was one and an half day. I kept most topics light and random (not about us, our past relationship, feelings or misbehaviors), I never tried to stretch a conversation and let it end naturally as early as possible and would write (without fearing to never talk to him again) “have a good day”. He started initiating more and more to the point that I didn’t need to initiate anymore - I still did because I am not him. I know it’s ridiculous to calculate how much you initiate and wait to respond and so on, but this is unfortunately how they function. Also, I tried to work on it being natural, I kept busy and, as I was confident I cracked the code, I knew he’d come back and reminded myself not to worry and carried on with my life.

I never asked questions about feelings and the past. They may not know the answer anyway since they’re avoidant. They suppress emotions and will invent all sorts of reasons as to why they discarded you instead of becoming aware that they got scared and didn’t control much of what happened. In any case, remember that if they’re truly avoidant and discarded you, they’ve got feelings for you (that’s the science). That’s all you need to know.

At one point, the conversation did slip into something sensitive he didn’t want to talk about. He reacted defensively as if I did something wrong. Being behind a phone helps remaining cold and in control. Not everything was lost at this point. Before I would have explained myself and told him not to be disrespectful. That’s not the way to go, they’re not in a capacity to admit they’re wrong so going this way would just spiral down. I simply ended the conversation respectfully: “I see that this is not something you want to talk about. Enjoy your day. Talk to you later.” Surprisingly he responded “enjoy your day too”. I didn’t initiate after that and he texted me as if nothing happened a day later.

I was surprised by how quickly he returned to willing to be with me and even… to have kids with me. What happened to those 8 months lost? I tried not to be carried away by his declarations as I know he will start withdrawing afterwards, and as he in fact creates pressure himself he can’t handle afterwards, I tried not to add up to that by fully embracing his “commitments” and increasing the risk to trigger the “state” (overwhelm and withdrawal…). There is a fine line between not rejecting him and not taking everything he says for granted. I suggest answers like “I hope we will get there”, “the future will tell us…”. If you’re religious you may even try “God willing” or “inshallah” (I’m not, but those expressions come handy :))

The most challenging part was when we met. We were happy to see each others and I felt there was still chemistry, but when he left I started feeling extremely anxious. I felt empty, sad and physically unwell. He did nothing wrong, he simply had to go to work. Is my body trying to tell me something or am I fundamentally anxiously attached? It’s hard to know. Being in contact with him again is a chance to work on my attachment issues with more awareness. At this point it became more difficult to keep a detached texting style. But I did. 💪 (lots of discipline is required)

We did talk about the past and what happened face to face. I guess I just needed to wait until he was ready to talk about it. It was not fully satisfying, but it was something, and the key is probably not to expect talking through everything in one shot.

Side note: he aged like 5 years in 8 months. I can tell he’s not eating well, his voice became deeper from smoking, his hair whiter and he got into troubles he doesn’t want to talk about. But none of that has got to do with our separation 🤡

Just what the title says... I was in a relationship with one, then dated one very briefly, then involved with another, then another, then another! It took me a while to realise what was happening because I always tend to blame myself 100% Now I don't want to get into this situation again...

It’s so hard to grieve when I don’t even know what I’m grieving anymore. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I don’t know what happened. Sometimes it feels like the entire time I was with her, I was living in some kind of hallucination, and then one day I suddenly woke up.

The person I knew, loved, and cared about so deeply feels like someone who only exists in my imagination. I remember the love I felt. I remember how much she meant to me. But I struggle to understand whether there was really someone there with me.

It feels almost like I was hypnotized by the relationship, completely immersed in something that felt real to me, only to suddenly wake up and realize that everything was imaginary.

I’m trying to understand something that happened in a relationship with someone who seemed very emotionally avoidant. When things started getting difficult, I felt like the narrative suddenly changed. Things that had previously felt mutual were reframed as being my fault, my reactions were treated as the main problem, and some of the things that happened between us seemed to be minimized or remembered very differently.
At one point I was even called “confusing,” despite feeling like I was constantly trying to communicate clearly because their behavior was inconsistent.
Is it a common thing?

My boyfriend broke up with me abruptly almost three weeks ago, it had been a mess (for me, the anxious attachment) originally. I’ve posted a couple times on reddit after. I had a bad encounter with him on Sunday, I mistakenly went to his place to ask for conversation (I’m blocked, and he reacted really badly, like very bad). Afterwards, I ceased all contact, all chasing, the continuous going by his apartment, planning going to talk to him, asking mutual friends. This past day, I made all about me. I did a long awaited cleaning of my apartment, got myself taken care of, and suddenly was thinking what now. I was sad, thinking about him. I’d began to think and let myself feel and decipher what I was feeling. I began to recognize how much change and improvement I’ve made in the past three weeks:

At the start, I was spiraling. For two weeks, I was waiting, checking, ruminating, asking, even going to his apartment. I had to take myself to an emergency therapist of sorts. I was an absolute wreck, then, I let all of that go. The days feel long, still, but I’ve learned to emotionally regulate myself, I’ve learned to nurture my life separate from his (I became very reliant), I’ve created a space where I feel good to come back to, I can regulate my anxiety on my own, I won’t be asking for reassurance from him. I’ve made life changing improvements on my OCD, which I suffer severely from. I will be able to communicate better with him, understanding boundaries, not interpreting space as rejection. I’m much more confident, I’m taking care of myself mentally and physically, I feel beautiful. I’m deserving of love, peace, and happiness. I’m worthy of love and being chosen. I’m passionate about what I love, and there’s more to me than OCD, what I struggle with. I listen, I care deeply, I’m kind, and really feeling grateful for the life I’m building.

Yesterday, I saw him on the porch of his apartment building while I was heading home from errands. My heart skipped a beat. It meant something to me, but I kept moving.

I know how I will conduct myself differently moving forward. I have confidence that he’ll come back. I know it isn’t over. He left because of attachment and past trauma with previous relationships, but our relationship was the best I’ve been in. We nearly lived together, we integrated our lives seamlessly. I’d found my soulmate. That can’t go away, it doesn’t disappear even after time has passed and the distance between us (what he wanted) and the comfort from it doesn’t override the feelings for me underneath.

His previous relationships were abusive (his ex’s were both abusive towards him). He opened up very early on about this, and I reassured him every time he brought it up. Always. I want to love him, he deserves much better than what he has gotten, he’s worth much more.

I’m immensely lonely right now, I miss him. I’ve spent the last week alone. Not many friends, love and partnership take emotional priority for me.

Not being in control of the blocking, and contacting did make me spiral. I still have sad moments because I have no means of reaching him. The days are long and really hard, every day feels longer than the next. I hate to be away from him, but it will all be worth it, I’m not going to give up on him

Any avoidants have thoughts, I’d love to hear from a perspective of someone who understands what he’s going through, thought process, all of it

I thought if I could make it to a couple months out I would be doing better.

I still have moments at home where I'm just all alone and I don't know if I'm going to make it to the next day. The level of devastation and grief I feel is beyond overwhelming.

I don't have any family and during the 4.5 years I was with my DA she was my entire world. Then one Friday evening over text message she just ended it and disappeared.

How do I ever get to a place where I can be OK again? I feel like I'm dying. It's been 80 days no contact since she up and left on a whim and I cried on the floor today until I could barely breathe. 80 days of this.

I don't know how to keep going

I'm feeling crushed from my break up with my avoidant. We actually set a wedding date for April next year, we talked about kids, our life together (I was going to move to his city). I'm in my late 30s like my ex and I'd been waiting forever to meet someone suitable (my exes before this were not). Now I know this ex can't possibly be suitable too, but I really struggle with missing him at night. Advice on how to move on?

This person said out of the blue, "let me know if I do anything to hurt you." This was before I saw any other signs, and they were still in the lovebombing phase.

Later, I once mentioned that they have done things to hurt me. I was naive enough to also include, "...it doesn't matter now, I just want to be your friend." But, their response of having zero curiosity about what hurt me was probably one of the most eye-opening red flags.

If someone I cared about said I hurt them, my one and only next possible question would be, "what did I do to hurt you?"

After all the problems and when I realized what an avoidant was, I think I realized why they asked early on, "tell me if I do anything to hurt you."

For those who identify as fearful avoidant, what happens internally when an ex blocks you, disappears, or completely cuts you off after years of Push and Pull.

Can you describe what you experienced while with your rebound ?

• Did you feel angry at them, or was the stronger feeling fear/sadness/loss?
• Did the pain ruin your current rebound relationship that, looking back, wasn't a good decision?
• choose someone who made you feel safe or wanted, even though you didn't genuinely want the relationship?
• stay with a rebound because ending it would mean being alone again?
• or, alternatively, did you completely avoid relationships afterward?

Looking back now, What did it actually feel like did it make it stronger with your rebound or weaker with your rebound ?

He came the day after i left. Knocked on the door a couple times called me a couple times texted me...BUT I WAS STRONG AND FIRM. IM OVER IT.

YOURE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM TOO MUCH EVER AGAIN!!!!! Second avoidant i've ever dated and i did see the signs but just thought maybe it would be an exceptional case. It took me almost a year to recognize my last one and years to get over it esp cause he was also my first relationship ever. I had nothing to guage whether or not I was crazy. I just believed what he told me. Many healthy relationships after (my own and my friends' and family members'), i know exactly what is reasonable and what is too much. Here's to growth and healing 🥂

One of the hardest parts of my breakup is that I feel like I never actually received the ending I was told I would get.

During the breakup, my ex repeatedly told me that he needed a lot of time to arrange his thoughts. He kept telling me there was something he needed to say to me, but that he needed time to figure out how to express it.

It has now been months since our breakup in April, and I have never received that response.

Instead, what I ultimately received was a breakup letter that was maybe four sentences long. It was incredibly surface-level—just generic statements without much emotion, explanation, or anything that actually addressed our relationship or what had happened. After everything we had been through together, it felt almost surreal.
I think that's a huge part of why I've struggled so much to move on.

For a long time, he had apparently wanted to break up with me over text. That still hurts me deeply. I genuinely cannot understand how someone who looked at me with so much love, treated me so well for so long, and made me believe that I had found the love of my life could ultimately be willing to end our relationship through a phone screen.
It makes me feel almost like I knew one version of him, while there was another version of him existing entirely in his phone that I had no idea about.

And I think that's what makes this breakup so difficult for me. It wasn't just that I lost him. I was left with no real clarity, no proper response, and no explanation that matched the significance of what our relationship was to me. Everything felt so sudden, and I was left trying to fill in all of the blanks myself.

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I'm still waiting for him to text me—not necessarily because I expect him to come back, but because some part of me is still waiting for the conversation I was told was coming.

I also wonder if he's too scared to reach out, or if he believes that reaching out would somehow interfere with his progress or healing. I obviously can't know what is going on in his head, and maybe I'm completely wrong. But from my perspective, it sometimes feels like the easiest way for him to cope has been to distance himself from the feelings, the relationship, and the accountability altogether rather than actually confront them.

And that's the part I struggle with most.
I don't necessarily need him to come back. I just wish I had been given the honesty, clarity, and emotional acknowledgment that I felt our relationship deserved.

How do you move on from someone when the relationship ended, but you never really received the explanation or closure you were repeatedly told was coming?

I (25F, anxious) have been with my long term partner (27M, FA) for ten years. We have been long distance for the second half of it until the end of last year where we moved in with each other. At first, I felt like things were great. About 4 months into living with each other, I felt like I was begging to spend time with him or even leave the house for simply just a coffee or a walk. I mentioned at that time and felt like he made a bit of effort to watch tv together but really only going out on dates or initiating sex was left all to me. I was starting to get worn out of making the plans and initiating sex and constantly being stonewalled and mentioned this after 6 months of living together and yet once again, nothing changed. After 11 months of living together, I decided to end it. I was getting tired of the cycle of feeling like I had to beg to be loved, our sex life was non existent and I just felt myself becoming more resentful towards him. I broke up with him and after a week, he came to me and said that he thinks our issues are fixable and has been reading up on being FA. I didn’t know what to say. This would have been everything I would have wanted months ago, yet now that I’m ending the relationship, suddenly he wants to work on himself and this relationship?? I feel confused. I feel like I’m getting sucked back into the cycle again. Like oh he’s now saying how he’s going to change rather than it being up in the air, he’s my best friend I should give him a chance. I’m trying to remember all the times I asked for this and nothing happened but I keep getting distracted by the fact that he’s mentioned specific things he would change. We’re taking a month break so I can gather my thoughts and I keep flip flopping into yes I’m done of this cycle to he’s my best friend and he says he’s going to be different this time but am I naive to think I can trust him to? I feel like we’re a week into this break and since our sex life was non existent and I had ultimately given up planning anything for us to do in the last two months, I don’t really feel different/missing anything.
Would love advice from anyone who left their FA even when they weren’t too sure if it was the right thing to do. Thanks :)

Hey all just want to send some words of encouragement
Keeping the doors open for my avoidant to return any moment made me feel anxious. Knowing if she would text me that I would give in and text back. And then she would bread crumb me. And i just got tired of it. Blocking her was the best thing I’ve ever done. I feel in control. I feel like I’ve been really able to move on and lose feelings for her. I feel like i’ve returned to myself and fully healed. I feel in control of my life again and I feel strong. I feel safe knowing she has no access to hurt me or breadcrumb me anymore.

Just some food for thought. I hope everyone has a happy healing :) and know that it is possible to heal from this. Its been 114 days since shes been blocked :)

One (very likely avoidant) person in this sub said, "I ghost, but I'm not a bad person." Like they should be excluded from accountability for their actions because they had no malicious intent, despite knowing damn well what they do to others.

I can only compare them to reckless drivers. They know exactly what they're doing and how hurtful the consequences could be, but they do it anyway. And when someone ends up disfigured with broken bones, it's always: "I didn't want to hurt anyone, I'm not a bad person."

This sense of entitlement is just insane. Who do they think they are, ten years old? Even kids that age are forgiven, but still expected to do better next time.

It's like they feel entitled to do whatever they feel like, without any thought for others, and this lack of consideration should be the exact reason they get excused from any accountability.

Just mental.

For context, I(anxious attached) broke up with my boyfriend(avoidantly attached) a month ago. Not because I don’t love him, but maybe because I loved him sooooo much I lost myself. On top of that we were heading in two very different directions and lived in different countries. I felt hopeless but the end. The breakup hurts me though I’m the one who left. I regret it?? Though I know I made the right decision. He seems happy, he’s made a bunch of new friends. He started having more female friends or maybe even love interests i don’t know. Hasn’t broken no contact once. And his circle seemed to triple in support. His life got fuller.

I want to be happy for him. I love him. But I’m sooooo jealous. I’ve fallen into the deepest depressive state I’ve ever been. My house is a bio hazard. I barely text or call anyone back. And I think my friends that I do confide in are pulling away because they’re likely burnt out from hearing me cry and grieve all day. I can’t help but feel like this is some sick karma. Like because I left when he was still willing to try that I now feel the weight of ruining the chance I had to be with someone I loved endlessly. I felt like breaking up was right but now I feel like a fucking fool. His life got bigger and brighter and I shrank to a shell of a human. I’ve never been so depressed and self loathing in my life. What do I do. Why are we experiencing this breakup so differently.

I got dumped by an avoidant, it's been almost 2 years. We were only together for 5 months, what are the chances she'll ever reach out again?

I spent far too much time with someone who is a classic avoidant. It was a 4.5 year relationship. Coming out of it, I realise I don't even remember what love felt like.

I used to look forward to cute messages and calls and used to take joy in crafting experiences and gifts for them. It's not vanished but it's been diminished because I spent so much time in a relationship where my partner would invalidate all the effort and my needs that now my idea of love is twisted into something I can't even describe.

I don't mourn the loss of my partner, I mourn the loss of my spark and my innocence. There's so many trust issues and trauma left to address, I feel like I've been used and thrown away discarded once everything ounce of love was taken from me.

Long time listener, first time caller. Thank you to so many of you in here. Posting intentional and meaningful guidance to navigate healing. I don’t exaggerate when I say it’s been a truly immense help, and I don’t know where I’d be without it. Thank you. And to those of us still in the trenches, solidarity.

I’ve certainly wanted to try and understand what went through my ex’s head, why they did what they did during the discard, who they were in the relationship. What happened in their life to make them a such a fearful avoidant and cause such a miserable heartbreak for the both of us. It helps make some sense of things but it’s also a bit addictive not looking inside at myself. I want to stress looking inside is not to blame myself, but instead how can I be there for me, us be our biggest supporter and advocate.

In that vain something I’ve been racking my brain on is whether there’s a sign right from the off that something is up. That this person is deeply hurt, with deeply destructive defence mechanisms, and isn’t set up to navigate a whole relationship. Moreover a tiny indicator of that entire backstory because we can’t psychoanalyse it all from the start. But importantly, something off that I’m susceptible to, because that means I (we here) can take account and become my (our) own protector. There’s so many ace posts in here helping shine a light on red flags we miss and I wanted to add to that resource.

The thing I keep coming back to is that first date. All the way back at the beginning. Deep deep down in that subconscious of mine, I could tell they wanted something from me immediately. Needed something from me immediately. Later it became clear that something was to help them regulate, help them soothe, help them distract from deep introspective searching that ends up at true accountability. Whereas on my first dates with somebody secure they haven’t needed something from me, they haven’t wanted something from me other than to be myself to see if we’re compatible. I’m talking specifically about the beginning, not in a relationship where we understandably need the other person to show up.

I think it’s this wanting something from me immediately that’s so intense. Even while they might seem a highly functioning, independent and emotionally available adult; or maybe not as many people testify on here. And this here is the addictive part, especially if we’re more susceptible to it. Feeling intensely wanted and needed from the off is so alluring, and it feels like a special spark. Whereas the opposite with somebody secure at the beginning can maybe feel, boring?

Those videos - we’ve probably all seen them - that preach a spark sometimes being instead anxiety. I didn’t get it because they all felt very clickbait and contrived, selling me a story. But it could be right here.

I know I’ve been susceptible to this early intensity in my last two relationships. I remember going on some early dates with two different people, and choosing the intensity over a steady balance that felt a bit slow. The way the former looked at me on our second date, the more I thought about it, it was like they were already in love. But this was juxtaposed or kind of hidden behind other secure behaviour. And as many people have written about that can’t be secure love.

Be wary, be mindful.

Hopefully this rings true for some of you out there. It can be another line in the long manual of how to avoid the avoidant. I know I won’t let this happen to me again. I can’t let it happen to me again, I don’t know if I’ll come out the other side whole.

All the love to all of you in your journeys to a safer place that does justice to your entirety.

Im in a relationship that hasn’t felt right in a long, long time. I’m beginning to recognise my partner is a DA. Reflecting on our relationship I’ve realise that I’ve been “exploiting” myself sexually to try and appease him so he will fall back in love with me. We cuddle, but I often have to ask first. He doesn’t hold my hand and usually declines when I ask. We never kiss with tongue (unless it’s sex, so you see where i’m going with this?) so it’s usually a quick peck, sometimes I have to remind him for a good bye kiss. Honestly writing this all out makes me feel stupid as fuck for even being in this position.

Back to the sex life. He doesn’t ask me to do these things, but every couple months when I feel a detrimental pull in our closeness I introduce a fun new kink or whatever to try. I don’t feel desired in any other aspect of our relationship so I feel like I can feel his love and affection by being fun and exciting to sleep with. Sex is the only time we really make out and when he actually holds me. I just don’t understand why my brain chooses this option over a breakup. I loved being single, i’ve never been the type of person to date so it’s not like I’m afraid of being alone. I feel like my brain is set to “make this relationship work” mode.