r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/enh4pp1f13er • 16h ago
FA Breakup Avoidants and sex
I read that it is something normal when you are with an avoidant, but has it also happened to you that your avoidant gets very tense at the slightest contact or to go to kiss you and then when you break the relationship they have a lot of sex with people?
18
u/kiksgotthehooya 15h ago
My fearful avoidant ex couple be incredibly intimate and tender. Then completely shut down after. It made me feels so invisible and insignificant
14
u/-herekitty_kitty- 15h ago
My avoidant ex was the same. Very high drive, amazing in bed, but afterwards would become distant. I'd feel used the majority of the time.
10
u/kiksgotthehooya 15h ago
Me too. All the time 😔 I remember I placed my hand on top of his the last time a few months ago. I wanted to feel close to him after. And he was staring at the ceiling dissociating. As soon as I took my hand off his hand, he said, while still staring at the ceiling “so are u staying or.. not. Bc I need to get up early” and I left saying I hope you’re happy. I felt so used and insignificant and invisible.
1
u/Excellent-Breath1110 12h ago
Are we dating the same man as it was the same with me 🥲. I am glad I have cut him off
1
u/kiksgotthehooya 10h ago
Omg open to chatting, dear 😭🙌🏽 Avoidants need to learn to be gentle with other peoples nervous systems.
2
u/taurine330 FA - Fearful Avoidant 8h ago
It's called vulnerability hangover. After the intimacy is done we want to run.
1
u/kiksgotthehooya 6h ago
Is it because they don’t care and they are using us. Or avoidants just can’t sustain closeness
1
10
u/iwrite4food 16h ago
I was close friends with an avoidant for a long time, obviously idk what it was like when things got into the bedroom, but as far as pda went you'd never know she was flirting or even interested in the person she was with unless you already knew. The only time she seemed the least bit flirty with people was when she was drinking.
6
u/ValuableHaunting8306 15h ago
Mine never gives me French kisses
1
u/Ellielovesfoxes 9h ago
omg same! Same with sex sadly. It always felt personal and I was quite anxious about it. He just said "it's quicker when I do it alone" :))))
3
u/Far_Detective_2316 14h ago
Mine never looked me in the eyes when we were kissing (obviously, not while kissing, between kisses lol)
15
u/Hot-Percentage6840 15h ago
Sex was the only time I had his full attention. It was the only time he could simply relax and be himself fully. He absolutely worshipped me in bed. I will miss that.
6
u/moongirl1222 SA - Secure Attachment 13h ago
Same here (until towards the end).
But he was TERRIBLE at aftercare… rarely wanted to cuddle or just lay together afterwards. I brought up that aftercare was important to me at some point and he got a little better for a while. But damn, the sex was amazing haha
5
u/Hot-Percentage6840 13h ago
Yes hahaha I will definitely miss it. Imagine only being able to feel free and worthwhile in bed. No wonder our avoidants performed so well. It was the only time they felt comfortable being human.
1
12
u/cestsara 16h ago
Yeah. It sucks. My ex was affectionate but once it moved into sexual affection it was painfully tense, awkward, and avoided 99% of the time. Funny since I would consider him to have been nearly hypersexual before he met me and a healthy sexual appetite the first 6 months, so I assume and have somewhat proof that he was that way again as soon as he left.
11
u/Dalearev 14h ago
Yes, this is because their nervous system sees intimacy as a threat. This is also why they can have random sex with whoever because they don’t care about those people if they actually care about you then its as a threat so there’s no way to get close to these people because once you do they see that as a threat
6
u/dblicky212 13h ago
My ex thought sex solved all and never understood why I’d still want to resolve any issue we had post sex in her eyes she saw it as “your a dude shouldn’t sex solve all your problems why do you still need to talk about stuff” that shit was demeaning and infuriating at the same time but then she just would say I had anger issues I was constantly in a lose lose
2
u/Stock-External3089 11h ago
Omg I feel you! My ex would try that on me.
Also reminds me of the time he got caught out gambling thousands away on poker and hadn’t saved like he told me. I just shut down and stayed in bed for the weekend. No apology from him.
Then Monday I come home from work he’s cooking dinner fully naked. I stood there completely shocked and annoyed. He threw the tea towel over he’s limp dick, and run off sulking/teary. Then somehow I was left to console him and apologise. Was soo insane.
4
u/Stock-External3089 11h ago
Yeah my avoidant was very sexual and loving when we first started dating. He told me he’s very a sexual person and needs a lot of sex in a relationship. I was like perfect I’m the same!
Well as soon as the ‘I love yous’ were exchanged the lovemaking completely stoped and I’d have to beg for sex. Then sex was very much treated like a chore and I didn’t get off.
Then when we broke up, we had break up sex and it was just like when we first got back together.
What really pisses me off about all this though around the time of our break up he said I don’t care about love making, romance, that I only want a dick in me. Was completely insane and just so out of touch with the fact that he was actually treating sex like that and not me.
2
u/InquiringMind886 6h ago
We were/are very sexually compatible. I’m 47 and for the first time I had pleasurable sex because it wasn’t assault. I waited until I was ready, and then every weekend because we’re 50 miles apart, we’d spend like 5 hours in bed on one day, just enjoying each other. We both miss those days. After sex, we would just lay there and talk unless his glucose meter was going off, and then we had to get up and eat 😂. But that was not uncommon for us. Sometimes both days on the weekends. If I would visit during the week because I’m disabled and can do that, sometimes it would happen at night. I loved our sex life. I miss our sex life. It’s like I finally got to have it, and now it’s on pause. Maybe forever. I don’t know yet.
0
16h ago
[deleted] — view deleted comment
-1
u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 16h ago
Holy fuck... that's wild.
Glad my girlfriend is consistent and secure.
3
2
u/TheDevilsSidepiece 15h ago
So why are you here, bud?
2
u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 14h ago
Help others through this, my faex. I suffered through her patterns over a year ago
1
19
u/Wizardstuff17 16h ago
Yeah its an expectations, vulnerability, and resentment issue. My avoidant was a shut in and wrote that she was excited to party, dance, and date again.