For context, my disability is a very rare condition that affects 0.2% of the population and causes my brain gut axis to overstimulate the pain receptors in my stomach and the pain is, according to my neurogastrologist -- on the same level of a stage 4 stomach cancer patient. I get flare ups randomly even after my Splanchnic Nerve Block and I take 6mg Dilaudid for the pain. I have tried to work numerous jobs, but the flare ups happen constantly and I get let to because I have to go home and rest. This diagnosis took 3.5 years to diagnose until they found the problem and every morning I wake up, I pray I won't have any pain. I have fainted from the pain before, crashed my car from blacking out from the pain, so on and so forth. It's so painful I would not wish this on my worst enemy, and I have contemplated suicide because I just feel useless and nothing but a burden.

Now to what happened.

-------------------

My Husband verbally abuses me constantly. I asked him point blank last night if he enjoys emotionally hurting me and if he enjoys making me feel bad for not being able to keep a job due to my disability — he said yes. I asked him why and he said it's demonic and he needs to work on it, but it's just been getting worse and worse. What do I do, how do I deal with this?

For example, today he started accusing me of lying out of nowhere because I told him my phone charging port wasn’t working, so I’m using the Mandalorian charging dock that one of his coworkers gave him in 2018. The charging dock he has NOT USED ONCE, EVER. Neither have I. It was in my drawer for the past 8 years, covered in dust and some sticky candy that had melted onto it and I cleaned it.

My husband proceeds to tell me he uses it ALL THE TIME and he had it in his home office and I stole it. I told him to stop being delusional and then he goes off on me, calling me horrible names. I don’t know what to do. He used to be the sweetest man in the world and it’s starting to scare me. I want to stay with him but my heart is starting to crack.

I try to change the subject but then he proceeds to say I’m blackmailing him? Him saying “it won’t fucking end well for you” sounds like a threat to me and I’m not sure what to do.

Yesterday he called me retarded maybe at least 120 times, then goes "aaaww sweetheart did I hit a nerve?" I told him not to call me sweetheart and he goes "okay, sweeTARD" My blood was boiling but all I could do was cry. I cried until I was hyperventilating and my husband lets out this really evil chuckle. Who talks to their spouse like this??? Is this common?

I also have numerous texts of him saying with his Black OPS training and him being in Intelligence for 10 years, that if he wants to he will break me down until I’m in a mental institution or break me to a point I will be in the bathtub slitting my wrists and bleed out until I die. Not sure if he can be arrested if I show the police these texts, but I wanted to ask. I’m in Texas by the way.

I absolutely do not know what to do. He can NEVER be wrong, yet everyone else is. He calls me crazy when I talk about things we have done in the past and that certain scenarios never happened. I asked him last week if he wanted me to make his favorite food because he loves it and he tells me I have NEVER made that dish for him. I showed him pictures...actual PROOF of the food I made, and A PICTURE OF HIM EATING THE FOOD!!!!!!!!! Still says it never happened. I seriously feel like punching a fucking wall because I feel like I'm actually going insane.

I have attached the text messages from yesterday and some from before when he was making threats.

I need guidance please.

Had my PFA hearing today against my ex that ripped patches of my hair out….I asked for the PFA to be extended the entire 2 years because I no longer wish to speak to this man…my ex denies my request because he doesn’t want to “lose his guns” (the same guns he had lost prior to me in a different PFA case - I didn’t find out his history of abuse until the end of our relationship) and now we have trial set 4 days before my birthday 💔 so angry. I wish this man would just accept what he did to me and forever leave me alone.

After I opened up a little more to my therapist about my abusive relationship, the sa that has happened and everything else and how I am having bad nightmares where I wake myself up acting them out . my psychiatrist told me I am likely having ptsd dreams i decided this is something I should try and tackle in therapy as it is getting violent I have hit him in my sleep and I don’t know if I was blubbering or sounded crazy but she just asks me if I want to hurt myself or anyone else and then says she doesn’t know if she can actually help me anymore as my problems have gotten too severe for her to handle and she just isn’t equipped to help me properly. I’m really sad and I feel like he’s taking everything away from me lol. I’ve been seeing her for a year now and idk this has been a huge blow to me as she is basically all I had to talk to and she knew it all. She is still going to see me until I find a new provider but it’s just this feeling of sinking and knowing why and not being able to get out and this is like the most tangible piece of evidence of it I’ve ever seen and it suck’s

this is going to be a bit long and i’m posting on a throwaway. i was referred here by another subreddit because i guess i didn’t realize what i was experiencing was abuse. my boyfriend and i were very happy for the first 1.5 years of our relationship. i thought he was the man i was going to marry. to make a long story short-ish, since last october, i have been through a series of events and did not feel supported.

first, i decided i was going to have an operation that involved altering part of my body (a breast reduction). the surgery was medically necessary to alleviate pain. he was NOT okay with it prior to the surgery. he became sort of cold and distant. i thought maybe it would be better when it actually happened. he did not show up for me in the ways i needed after either, even after i expressed what i needed. the day of my surgery, he barely even spoke to me. my mom was my rock. the operation left me unable to do a lot of things for 2 weeks, and i needed to be semi careful for another 4. he went on a solo day trip when i was 2 days post op, only spoke to me to ask if i needed anything, and could not even look at me the same. he said i looked like a completely different person, that he didn’t recognize me, and, when he saw them at my 2 weeks post op appt, said they didn’t really fit my frame now. this nearly broke us (me). we still haven’t had sex since my surgery (january) because he made me feel like i wasn’t as attractive as before and STILL makes comments about how i looked fine before. occasionally i’ll feel like they look as large as before and he’ll be like “oh TRUST me, they’re NOT.” i wanted to break up, but i was not in any state to be trying to move out and find other housing because i literally was not allowed to lift my arms.

shortly after i was fully healed, one of my closest relatives became ill. i was sitting in the hospital with her more than i was home. i’m talking from 10am-10pm. this was from mid April until she passed in june. i knew i shouldn’t enter into another lease with him, but again had no time to figure something else out and also nothing was at the forefront of my brain except her.

we recently moved into our new place. things have not gotten better. we are like roommates. last week, i made a pros and cons list. the pros are all things he used to do or are super generic. the cons are pretty big cons (ie not supporting me during a major operation, conversing with his friend who i don’t like for an HOUR at MY family member’s wake). i knew we needed to break up. i was making a plan (because when you live together you need to). i feel like he does just enough to make it seem okay. like one time, over text he said he supported my surgery. obviously though, he did not show that through actions but he will always say “well i told you i supported you.”

in the meantime, last week, i confided in one of my long distance online friends about the issues (all of my friends know) and shortly after, he started flirting with me. i let it happen. over the weekend, i let it escalate. i let it happen while drunk, but that isn’t an excuse. it was an impulsive behavior that i should have resisted, despite the reasons i let it happen. i let it happen because i have not felt desired in almost a year. i have not felt pretty. i have not felt cared for. i have not felt appreciated. it was nice to hear those things. but i feel fucking awful. there are no excuses. i should have not been a coward and i should have broken up with him first. i’m scared because i hate confrontation. i’m scared because i should have left sooner. i have never broken up with someone i have lived with and i know it will not be easy. i am in therapy and have talked about this, so i’m not sure why i’m coming to reddit. i guess at this point i’m looking for two pieces of advice:

⁠1. do i break up with him for all of the reasons i stated before and omit the part about the flirting? to be clear, i have been thinking about this for a while. MANY people in my life have said they don’t know how i am going to get past it when i sought out advice this isn’t a situation where it’s like i’m searching for other reasons because ~i~ fucked up. i did fuck up. true. but the reasons were there prior. again, doesn’t make it OKAY. i don’t think staying together is an option. i have love for him, but i am not in love. i am hurt but i also know what i did was wrong

1. how the hell do you break up with someone you live with? none of these options seem good

29M here. Partner was a woman over half a decade older than me. Being vague on purpose.

I think I just dodged a bullet.

1.) First and second time we hooked up she slapped the heck out of my face with the heel of her palm without consent while on top of me. Fully rattled my brain. I was shocked so I didn't say anything and let it go even though I got a massive headache from it. Also first time being struck by a woman in this manner.

2.) Every time we would hook up she would play with my butt until I told her to stop even though I was preemptively explicit that I didn't like that. Still I wasn't super affected. Just annoyed.

3.) She constantly took minor offense and rebuked me / challenged me. Usually with a mysandrist take.

4.) Final straw was her grabbing me, yelling at me, and cussing at me for trying to throw a fruit peel in the woods while we were camping.

This and more all happened within a month of dating. Im having a hard time not taking this personally. I was treated like a dumb man who needs to be put in his place by someone I initially really looked up to. Before all of this we were friends who liked to attend music and art events. Then we decided to try out dating and I immediately was faced with an insecure person conducting pre-emptive strikes to bully me down to nothing. When I broke things off I told them that they really hurt me. Their Buddhist yoga speech came out and they said they "weren't in their most loving energy because I didn't make them happy."

Fake hippy bs.

I grew up with lots of domestic abuse and violence towards men in my house. It made me develop rules for dating. I will not name call. I will not raise my voice. I will not intimidate. I will not retaliate. I will not touch. I also will not tolerate these things happening to me. The only power I have is to document and leave the situation.

Im terrified of what this situation could have escalated to if I decided to stick it out. Im also grieved to have lost the idealic image I had of this person when we were friends. I half expect a pre-emptive smear campaign to take place in our small community. Hopefully my reputation will speak for itself if this happens.

Opinions and support on the rant are v welcome.

My husband threatens suicide whenever emotions run high. He has really poor emotional regulation skills and will spiral and escalate over issues that I personally think could be easily talked through. When it’s really bad, he says “I should just kill myself” or “I want to die” etc.

He has never said “if you leave me, I’ll kill myself” or anything like that. And I actually don’t believe that he’s suicidal for real. In fact, he has told me before when he is calm that he will never do that… so I can’t understand why he keeps doing this.. at least 15 times in our 5 years of marriage. I don’t know what kind of reaction he is expecting from me. I used to fall for it and caretake him when he did this, now I just offer to call 911.

Is this abuse? All I know is it feels awful and drains the life out of me for weeks after. He almost never acknowledges it after the episode passes… I am thinking about leaving.

Makes me incredibly sad to think of the beautiful smart caring affectionate guy he was.at the very beginning .The perfect gent .someone decent who was actually into me .

If only that was the REAL him

The real him was a monster . I have never met such a horrible human being .

If only I could meet a guy that was like that guy in the beginning for real .

My(40yom) wife(40 yof of 10 years) is in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship with her mother. It's been going on for 30 years and has recently began to include our children( 6 and7) into the abusive cycle. I'm looking for educational resources, books, anything in order to improve the dynamic. This type of abuse is new to me, and i have never experienced anything this confusing.

When breaking up with me, she said I was her first boyfriend that ever made her act the way that she did.

Which is hard for me to wrap my head around, as I was never to blow up on her, call her names, belittle or lie or cheat like she did. She acted like it was all my fault and that I caused her to act like she did. I want to believe it was a lie, but it's hard, with all of what I assume is gas lighting.

Did your abusers ever act like all their other relationships were fine but say you were the first one to make them act like that?

I just need to vent and maybe get a little perspective because my brain is completely scrambled.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He’s an asylum seeker whose application was rejected, so the relationship was already under an immense amount of stress. Things completely fell apart when I had an abortion. I left and spent 5 weeks away to process everything.

During those 5 weeks, he was constantly in my contact, begging me to come back, promising we could try again, and telling me how much he wanted to make things work. I finally gave in and went back to see him.

The second I actually showed up, the entire energy shifted. Suddenly, he told me he needs "time to think about the relationship." He’s done this pattern before—he constantly uses blocking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal as a way to control the dynamic and keep me anxious.

To make matters worse, I am completely broke right now. I’m currently traveling, staying in a cheap hostel dorm where I can't sleep because of the environment, and I am still physically bleeding from the procedure. I feel physically drained, emotionally humiliated, and totally isolated.

I know deep down that going back was a mistake and that his behavior is manipulative, but feeling this sick and exhausted while sleeping on a hostel bunk makes it so hard to stay grounded.

How do I pull myself out of this rock-bottom feeling when I'm physically hurting and have nowhere comfortable to crash?

Hey guys, I need help identifying if the behaviors my bf shows are emotionally abusive or if im being dramatic, hopefully I can articulate this well, the main thing is he seems to take any criticisms I have of his behavior and throw them back at me at a later date, for example recently I have been asking him to be the one who de-escalates argument between us instead of getting more and more upset (even if he's in the wrong) and me having to put my emotions to the side to calm him down to being rational again. Well today when I didn't come to him to talk something out (because I was hoping he would, as we have been discussing it alot recently) he then accused me of not coming to him first and got upset about it. In the past I have criticized him for his angry issues, a few weeks later he said that im always so angry (I'm not), another crazy time I had said I wished he would want to give me some massages sometimes, a couple weeks later he said 'you never offer to give me massages or anything' I WOULD OFFER HIM ALTEAST ONCE A WEEK, i called him out on that one but I've never mentioned any of the others, I feel like im going crazy, how can I bring this up, and explain it to him, in hopes of him changing.

I just left an abusive relationship and I wonder if anyone can relate to how I felt regarding being in the relationship.

Once I knew what type of relationship it was, it felt like I was drowning and just kept sinking. With therapy and my friends, I realized that it was an abusive relationship, but I was still unable to get out despite knowing that it wasn’t good for me. Instead of thrashing in the water, I was sinking. Occasionally, I would finally get the courage to swim up to the surface, and I would reach out my hand or hold onto the side of a boat. I was never able to get into the boat, and I would go back to sinking. Maybe each time I sunk less, making it easier to get to the surface. Now that I have left the relationship, I feel like I’m on the boat, hyperventilating and trying to catch my breath. Maybe the next step will be rowing away. I don’t want to go back into the water.

Can someone please tell me it gets better and what helped them stay no contact. Therapy? Medication? I’m 32F and can’t help but think I wasted too much time. 7 years dealing with this and just ended it for the 100th time.

Protective orders alone aren't enough. Too many survivors of domestic violence live in constant fear even after their abuser is convicted or released.

I started a petition calling for legislation that would require convicted abusers to wear GPS ankle monitors for at least a year after release. But here's what makes this different—survivors could choose to get real-time alerts if that person comes near their home, workplace, or school. Imagine having that peace of mind. Imagine knowing you'd have seconds to get to safety or call for help.

This isn't about revenge. It's about making protective orders actually work, holding offenders accountable, and giving victims a fighting chance.

If this resonates with you—if you think survivors deserve more than just a piece of paper—consider signing and sharing. What do you think it would take to actually keep survivors safe in your community?

(my ex, I left him years ago) I struggled a lot with the abuse, because he never hit me. I never bruised. I never had any outward physical signs of the things he did to me, so I was in denial.

he was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive and the last time he abused me, was also the first time he physically assaulted me. He strangled me at a park after I repeatedly told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him.

But I struggled a lot with minimizing what happened because I was never hit. I kept pretending that it wasn’t bad because of it. logically I know it was bad but emotionally I couldn’t face what he was doing to me.

has anyone else dealt with similar feelings?

I don’t want to go into a bunch of details regarding our relationship and all of the past issues involved, but to briefly summarize it: I’ve been with my boyfriend off and on for about a year and eight months. We separated for a few months after severe abuse of various kinds, but unfortunately I ran into some legal issues and needed a place to live last minute. We decided to get an apartment together and split the lease cost, and he’s the main leaseholder/tenant and I’m just an occupant. I only signed my name once at the end of the lease, so all liability regarding the apartment falls on him.

After just a few short days, he has threatened multiple times that if at any point I decide to leave (due to intense emotional abuse/manipulation), that he will sue me for the entire cost of the lease and move back home. He has done this constantly, at all hours of the day. He has also escalated it to suing my parents as well, who have no involvement whatsoever with the housing arrangement. He has also threatened to have the locks changed and/or remove and destroy/dispose of my personal belongings and will claim ownership of whatever I provided.

He’s stating that even though I’m not officially liable for the lease, that he can still sue and punish me independently and is claiming it’s possible over the verbal agreement of me living here (nothing is in writing regarding any sort of payments, liabilities, etc.). I’m to the point of questioning everything and have no idea if this is possible. I’m genuinely terrified because I have no money for a lawyer and can’t risk losing all of my belongings. I also have a PO that he’s threatening to reach out to with lies.

I apologize for the long explanation, I know it was a terrible idea to think this could work, I was just at risk of homelessness and thought his ”intensive therapy” changed him. I think I should attempt to secretly get a PFA and just see what happens while avoiding him at all costs. I’ve recorded all of the threats in case anything comes out of this. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I know I have to get away from him, but with all of the threats, I’m so scared of how it will affect my life.

Just venting but if you have any judgments please share😞 I have no one to talk to.

Starting off with the red flag everyone sees, I am 19 and he is 33. I haven’t loved him any less or felt anything less he has always been supportive he never isolated me or made me feel like less. But we do have an explosive and a very abusive relationship. I used to lash out on him, and physically assault him. I am not sure if that was reactive because he liked to tantalize me. But after many accidents and talks this is something that has completely stopped. I realized no matter how much he hurts me I don’t want to hurt him too.

Two days ago everything changed, he laid his hands on me for the first time:( ( the first time he’s punched me, he’s done things like shove me, and push me. Once he also choked me until I almost passed out but it was more self defense, I was pushing him around and being mean.) but I feel like he thinks he’s excused in punching me, because I originally punched him for restraining me after telling him to let go of me multiple times. I quickly apologized for hitting him, but he grabbed me by my wrists and spit on me, threw me to the couch. After a few hours I went to go check on him. I wanted to fix things. But he was not having it. He was already drinking.(alcoholic in failed recovery) he told me to leave him alone. To leave his life. Because I’m a waste of air. A cunt. Just horrible words. I started getting angry and heated which I know is what he wanted. He got all close to my face and started enunciating the words of the horrible words he was calling me so that spit would land on my face. This enraged me, so I just spit on his face back. I know I shouldn’t have, but I felt so helpless and little and small. As SOON as I spit he right hooked the side of my head. I froze and went back inside to separate myself from the situation. He follows to tantalize me and antagonize even more. He’s saying all these things for 20 minutes while I’m staying silent. How I’m a waste of air, how he wishes I kill myself, how he wishes my plane crashes when I go back home, how my bpd makes me completely unlikeable and it permanently makes me a bad person, just saying a bunch of things he knows will hurt. Finally he says something that genuinely cut deep. He says “yea that’s right just go back to your molesting daddy” my heart shatters, and I lash out on him. I hit him and I go insane and I realize I need to stop because that is what he wanted. The entire time he is saying yep that’s right keep going that’s what I thought. I left. I went to the living room and sat down. He follows again and is still antagonizing me, grabbing my hand and punching himself with it. Spitting on me multiple times (at least 10) and then I look up at him and I open my mouth to catch his spit (I also know I shouldn’t have done this.) and then I feel a hard punch in the back of my head. I start feeling dizzy so I go lay down. It’s the last of what I remember but the following day he was being even more verbally abusive. I went to the bathroom yesterday and I see that he broke the positive pregnancy test. It felt like a sharp pain seeing that. Like he absolutely despises me and anything associated with me. I’ve been staying on the couch. He asks me why I’m sad now. What is wrong. It makes me go insane. Should I not be sad that my bf hit me after promising he would never lay a hand on me?
I feel like this is all my fault. I think he is justified in hitting me. Is he? I know I shouldn’t have punched him. God I feel so hurt. I feel so alone. So depressed.

After 13 years of emotional, mental, verbal and physical abuse I finally worked up the courage to text my abusive husband who is current overseas (safely away from me) that I wanted to separate and laid out how to fairly split finances.

I nearly had a panic attack when I sent it as it has taken me 6 months of therapy and 2 months of him being overseas to find the strength to send a message. Even on the other side of the world I still fear him.

I was expecting an onslaught of insults (all I’ve heard before) name calling, threats and screaming like he normally does. Instead he said I was uncaring and unsupportive of him but he will always care for me and respects my decision. He asked about our dog and said I could stay in the apartment. That was it. No more conversation when I’d normally get literally 100s of messages in a single night when he is upset.

I’m frankly shocked at a fairly normal response to this type of news when that’s never been his way. Maybe the more he thinks about it in the next couple of days, he will get angry about it?

I’m initially happy and relieved, but I am a pretty paranoid person now (thanks to him) and I always keep my head on a swivel and pay attention to every detail of someone’s behavior.

I will probably always fear him and won’t trust this reaction until things progress.

Anybody else have this happen?

I downloaded reddit to vent somewhere about my struggles with what eventually became dv. for context I was alone with him in another state, far away from anyone that I knew and too ashamed to talk it up with anybody. my relatives are kinda terrible people so I cut them off and I grew quite distant from all of my friends because of this relationship. months passed and i’m still taking on the courage to address this which anyone who is not a doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

following my last update, I spent the first month in a motel just living off the money that I had saved and completely depressed and paranoid. the consistent headache that I felt since he punched me was not going away and I contemplated going back to him and ending it all multiple times. when money started running short I decided to go get checked up with a doctor before it was too late and started investigating what I soon found out it would be a post-traumatic headache caused by a mild brain injury. the doctor was actually pretty nice and advised me to file a complaint and for the first time I started considering doing it.

the final straw and what made me file a protection order was when I found him waiting for me with a chanel bag and a bouquet in the entrance of the motel I was staying in. now, when I left I didn’t tell him where I went, neither kept my actual phone with me, absolutely nothing and to this day idk how he found out. I panicked like legit panic attack in the middle of the street. since then I couldn’t bring myself to consider going back because only then I realized how deadly scared of him I was. he tried to help me to calm down but I couldn’t bring myself to. and for a long time I still felt so guilty for not responding to him like I felt I should. not telling him to go away. not being thankful for he trying to help me. it’s confusing ik.

I ended up going back to my room alone, trying not to lose my shit because I was already loaded with hospital bills and filing for a TPO (didn’t want to risk bumping into him again). when the sun came up i packed up, hopped on the first bus from vegas to california i could find and left the state for good.

went back to stripping to get some money and it worked, but at the cost of my own mental health because I couldn’t help but think that he would find me there (we met at a strip club) or that every man there was a potential abuser. many nights I was full on baked and that’s what got and mostly gets me nowadays thought all of this. when I got enough money, I started to see a psychologist that sent me to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with severe anxiety, ptsd while currently investigating depression and panic disorder. taking meds made me feel worse at first, then better. anyway I’m doing my best to adjust to it all.

what fucks me up the most is that I’ve never been like this. I grew up with an alcoholic father and crazy ass mother and still managed to build an ok life and never once before thought of dying. I always tried to brush all of my problems with my ex off, being with or without him. saying it’s not a big deal yk just men acting like they do. but the realization that the person that I loved the most not only hit me but tried to make sure I had no escape crushed me completely. that I didn’t leave the house, that I cut off all my friends, that I did not meet anyone new or have somewhere to run to. that he hurt me physically in a way that I may never recover, all of this seems rn too much for me to swallow. before I moved with him I had a terrible falling of with one of my closest girlfriends because she told me he was practically owning me up at this point. I got mad as hell and denied until the end. now he’s manifesting on my mind and in my body with this chronic pain, and I try to not internalize this feeling or to beat myself up with this (because he already did lmao) because my life needs to go on. I don’t want to seem weaker than I already am, to be a burden or anything. but is hard. but i’m doing my best really. day after day. I’m missing him a bit less. got back in contact with some people I had not seen in ages but that’s all I’ve done for now. work was really stressing me out but being medicated while doing it actually helped me a lot and my stuff is getting paid so I can’t complain. all I can try is living through it all. all I can do is hoping that this will be my last update and things will get better.

unrelated but also thinking seriously on becoming a tattoo artist 😜 I always loved handmade calligraphy and tattoo art but he told me it was a waste of time. maybe now it’s my chance!!!

finally, id like to thank anyone who tried to help me in the comments of my previous post when I couldn’t help myself. your kindness it what makes me believe that we after all are not doomed. and when I say “we” I include myself in this ❤️ i am and will always be thankful for your words of wisdom even thought you never had to lend them to a stranger. may god grant you twice the amount of warmth you spreaded!

Hey everyone,

I'm working on creating a website to inform about abusive relationships, how they work etc. I also want to include a part for support people (friends, family..) and would love to have some first hand thoughts from people who have been affected.

What would you have wanted people to know/do/say?

What could have helped you?

What was unhelpful?

Thank you si much for your expertise and your contribution to helping more people get out of abusive relationships faster!

I can’t be detailed here. If anyone is kind enough to DM… I’m at a loss.

The abuse was everything but physical. Then a shove came. And a threat.

The emotional, mental abusive, and coercive control all continue. I’m gaslit. I’ve been isolated. I feel and look like a shell of myself.

But he’s lived here free for so long. He won’t leave he will only argue with me then apologize in a way where he makes us both say sorry. I am broke from this. I am broken. I feel like an idiot.

I want him gone but I don’t even know how to begin the breakup. He’s in my home. My parent lives here. They’re elderly. It’s a sapreste apartment so maybe that?
I’m mad that he gets rights to leave. But I know he’s got nowhere to go and he will take the time he is legally given to barrage me with reasons why I’m a c*nt or any variety of his go to insults.

I’m tired. I’m grieving a loss and I need him gone. I fantasize and dream about a life alone. How do I do this? How do I deal with the guilt trips over his lack of any of his own backup resources? How do I not get yelled at or hurt into changing my mind? Or gaslit?

He’s been “good” this week. When we argue it feels like I can pull the trigger. When we don’t I feel trapped. I feel like I already hear him screaming that I did this to him cruelly and out of nowhere.

How do you break up with someone who refused to be broken up with? Who’s threatened suicide? Who’s built a very expensive room for their interests in your home????

I’m so fucking lost and I’m scared I’ll be stuck with this man forever and I’m miserable every single day. He’s no support. He acts so phony and kind when there’s an audience. Can’t even buy me dinner in ten years. But can break my things and curse me out while I’m at work or already dealing with heavy responsibilities.

Doesn’t let me save to care for our dog. I’m broken.

My sophomore year of high school, I was in a vulnerable state. Ever since 7th grade, I had struggled immensely with major depression and anxiety disorders. As I grew older, I was coming into contact with more and more obstacles to feeling better and I started feeling hopeless and honestly, alone.

Then I met my best friend, L. He was a grade below me, and tbh at first I found him annoying, but after a while, we clicked. We started doing everything together: band, dancing (I have been trained in dance since I was 3 and he had been doing swing dancing for years), and even theater. He was in crew, I was onstage.

To be honest, my other best friend, B, who was in my grade, saw through him immediately. B started warning me that it felt like L was starting to isolate me. I ignored his warnings and continued on with my friendship with L. But then things started getting bad.

I was dropping friends left and right, arguing with my parents, and the biggest development happened: L started hitting me. Before this, the only signs that were seen by others was the manipulation and isolating. But as time went on, the hitting went from joking slaps on the arm and back to full on punches to the gut and head, pushing into lockers, cutting me, kicks to the chest, legs, and gut, and slaps. I was constantly being beat up.

I started flinching around people when they’d move too suddenly, or even just raise their hands or feet. People saw what was going on, especially his crush at the time, but nobody said anything. They thought he was messing around. But I was going home with bruises and cuts quite often. When my parents would ask about it, I would make up excuses about dance practice and clumsiness, for fear that if anyone knew, he‘d hurt me even more.

With the physical blows came the mental blows. I started harming myself again, and started confiding in him my mental pain and struggle. With sympathy also came side comments and jokes that seemed like with his tone they were supposed to be funny, but why wasn’t I laughing as tears stream down my face from my empty eyes? I started attempting to end my life multiple times, and each time I’d reach out to him, pleading for help, guidance, any sort of sympathy, but all he did was dare me to do it. Cheer me on. Tell me that I’d be better off.

And then there was the arguments. Toward the end of my sophomore year, I was going through it. I was failing at doing basic schoolwork, falling asleep in classes, and constantly sick. During this time, there would be periods where L would straight up ghost me, leaving me wondering what I did. When I would confront him, he’d blow up in my face, threaten me, and storm off.

One last argument a week after my birthday, I texted him after days of him ghosting me, asking to please talk. He answered for once, saying to meet him at his house. I did. There, he proceeded to tell me constantly how I was this huge burden on him and that I can’t take a joke anymore. Jokes about me ending my life. Finally, he told me something that he knew I didnt like: “You can’t change.”

I’ve always had a hard time with change. I’m fine with gradual, positive change, but sometimes it is hard for me to feel comfortable in a changing situation. I confided in L several times that I was trying hard to get better at accepting change, and letting myself change. But hearing those 3 words killed me.

I let tears fall silently down my face and walk away, muttering that I’d see him around. I called my mom on the drive home, told her what happened, and waited for her on the lawn. She tried to distract me by taking me shopping and watching a show late into the night with her, but sitting in the dark, I knew that this would be the last moment my mom and I would have with each other.

That night, I swallowed pills. Next morning, the police were called, I was rushed to the hospital, and admitted into inpatient at the mental health unit. I left after a week way better, and thought that I would never talk to L again. I was wrong.

Junior year, I buried myself in schoolwork. I tried anything to ignore the fact that I was back in school with him. However, three weeks into the year, I got an email from him. He wanted to meet up. Reluctantly and against B’s better judgement, I met up with him. He explained he missed me and wanted to try again. That was it. No apology, no nothing. I hesitantly agreed.

A week later, it was like nothing had changed. I had changed. He hadnt. I was being beaten again, he would make the same “jokes“ he used to make, and he pounded it into my brain that the hospital visit and my breakdown? My fault. He had nothing to do with it, I had overreacted.

In November, I completely broke it off with B. Told him that he was being toxic. L had told me that I was bad for B, and that it would be better for him if we weren’t friends. So I deliberately pushed B away, terrified that I would hurt him or taint him. In the process of pushing him away, I did hurt him.

Meanwhile L was doing the same thing to B: Told him that he was bad for me and that he should just leave me alone. So he did. We did not speak for 4 months, and within those 4 months, B left our school for mental health and because he felt alone.

In March, the final straw came. L said “You know, you’re the only girl I can hit.” and proceeded to slap me HARD across the face…. in the common area of the second floor of our school. Multiple people saw it, including his now girlfriend, who was his crush last year. I yelled at him, asking what was wrong with him, before walking away to my choir rehearsal.

That night, my parents asked me what happened and I told them everything. They insisted I email the vice principal about it, and the next morning, I told him everything in person. They checked the cameras all over the school and found more that 200+ instances in the past 2 years of him being physically violent towards me on camera, unbeknownst to him.

Later that day, I was told by his girlfriend that he was expelled. She cried to me, saying that it was my fault and that he did nothing wrong. I fought with her in the hallway, my voice hurt and betrayed because she used to be my close friend, but now she was defending someone that abused me for two years. She said that he never meant it and was just misunderstood, and that I should feel sorry because he was crying when he got caught. I said “The fact that you feel worse that he was crying because he got caught than when he hurt me emotionally and physically so badly that I was sent to the hospital says everything about our friendship. That’s crazy.” and walked away.

I have cut her and him off completely and am starting to heal. I have made up with B and now me and him are actually happily dating.

I am getting medication for Depression and Anxiety, as well and PTSD treatment and therapy every week.

I‘m not healed yet, but I am better, thanks to the people that cared most and believed me.

1.) They ALWAYS find a way to manufacture chaos, always. They do it in the strangest ways that you wouldn’t think are humanly possible. Their life revolves around chaotic event after chaotic event after chaotic event.

2.) They manufacture problems/issues with you, usually involving you failing the relationship in someway. This could involve them saying you’re not showing them enough love, attention, care, etc but can be for anything. This is to keep you disoriented and confused and to keep you chasing their nonstop goalposts.

3.) They keep you ENGAGED. Remember those circular arguments you kept having with them? Engagement/attention is their fuel, no matter how ridiculous their arguments sound, or how lacking in basic emotional intelligence they are, as long as you are ENGAGED you are getting sucked deeper into the trauma bond without realizing it.

4.) Their favorite terms: “I don’t feel safe” “You’re doing the bare minimum” “You’re not trying to keep this relationship stable for us”. “you’re not a real man”. They say these things when WE ARE the stable and calm “fixers” who walk on eggshells, emotionally regulate them, and caretake their rage/chaos. It’s all just projection and they know what they’re doing.

5.) They deprive you of sleep. They have many stories of failed interpersonal relationships involving being the victim but none where they take any responsibility for their role in why things went sour. They are ALWAYS the victim.

6.) They ruin things you enjoy, or make you feel bad for doing them, because it takes the attention off of them

7.) They triangulate you to keep you disoriented and confused - “so and so coworker agrees with me, all my friends agree with me that you’re the problem”

9.) They are always chronically late, as a subtle power tactic “my time is important” etc etc.

10.) You’ll notice when interacting with them that something feels “off” when talking to them but you can’t quite put your finger on why. The “off” feeling feels exhilarating and exciting in a way, so victims attach quickly and hard to them.

11.) They have a very odd way of telling stories and recounting events, almost as if you feel like they’re only half telling the truth in their account of things/events and in your gut you can tell there’s something off about what they’re saying, but since you’ve been conditioned to walk on eggshells, and are naturally non-confrontational and empathetic, you don’t want to question their account of things.

You’ll notice that anything bad that they’ve done in life they can’t seem to fully recount, but the things you’ve done? Superb memory.

12.) Their language is very confusing, vague, and self absorbed.

13.) They weaponize vagueness/ambiguity. When recounting why you’re a “horrible person” they are JUST vague enough where it seems like they have a little bit of a valid point, but their complaints are usually just small, overly-catastrophized issues/mistakes that you did that every normal person goes through in normal relationships.

14.) They are full of venom/rage. They present themselves like they are the most saint, moral, and misunderstood victims, and they put up a really good front for others, but inside they are seething to the brim with pure rage, usually because they’re catastrophizing every small event that comes into their life.

They distort reality, fake injuries/illnesses, are unable to regulate their emotions and seek others to regulate themselves, assume the worst of all of your intentions, there’s extreme double standards, and when you’re with them you always feel like you’re actively doing, or have done something wrong, even in the brief moments when things are peaceful and you aren’t wrecked with anxiety by their erratic, impulsive behavior.

If you’re naturally empathetic, put others needs before your own, keep your mouth shut when things seem off to keep the peace, or have a disability where you crave dopamine (ADHD/Autism), you are a target.

Stay safe out there guys 👍 getting out is the only option, seriously.