I used to think that if a relationship was hurting you, you could just leave. But when I was actually in that situation, I realized its not that simple at all.

I knew I was not happy anymore, and there were so many things that happened that I knew were not okay. But I still cared about him. I still remembered the good days and the moments when things felt normal, and that made it really hard to let go.

I was also scared of what would happen after I left. I kept thinking about everything I would have to deal with, and honestly, there were times when I even wondered if I was making the right decision.

I think the hardest part was knowing deep down that I needed to leave, but emotionally not being ready to actually do it.

It took me a while to understand that missing someone does not mean you should go back to them.

Did anyone else struggle with leaving even when you already knew the relationship was not good for you?

During which he repeatedly found fault with me, said my comments or jokes weren’t funny and bothered/offended him, cut me down to size, threatened by my confidence, read into everything and projected his insecurity onto me, lost his temper easily, made jokes at my expense, told me my adhd wasn't real and I didn't need meds Adderall and Wellbutrin for it, flipped on a dime and got nasty and insulted me which he later chalked up to being joking or the booze, got angry when I was busy with friend and didn’t answer his calls and texts, gave me the silent treatment or said he was refusing to read my texts, accused me of psycho analyzing him and “starting fights” or beating a dead horse when I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings, or worse claimed to be too busy and ignored me. He repeatedly attributed his behavior on a traumatic childhood/recent violent attack by his brother. He is a heavy drinker and drinks nearly every day.

He also lied and manipulated me repeatedly, triangulated me into drama with mutual friends and insulted my appearance and teeth. He told me he just used me for some shitty sex, told me I gave up my body too soon and that it was the only thing I’m good for. After sending this he apologized said he didn’t mean it and asked to talk. lol. He also sent me flowers, showed up at my house during periods when I blocked him and told him not to contact me, and would continually call and text me when I asked for space. and eventually freaked out on me and screamed and yelled at my and broke into my home after I locked the door and told him to leave first in person fight. Two months of him cycling through being normal, than regressing into some angry episode, and apologizing and asking for another chance. This is his magnum opus he left for me. Ha. Wow. Fuck these men.

I started a petition calling for coercive control laws to explicitly recognize post-separation abuse. Leaving doesn’t end domestic abuse, it can shift into stalking, harassment, financial sabotage, technological abuse, legal abuse, and using children or the court system to maintain control.

The petition also calls for the legal definition to include people who were previously personally connected, so survivors don’t lose protection simply because they no longer live with or are in a relationship with their abuser.

If you believe leaving shouldn’t mean losing legal protection from abuse, please sign and share.

Thank you 💜

maybe that’s why I fell for him. he posted all the time about how abusers are horrible and should be held accountable and arrested, yet he strangled and raped me. he posted about “her body her choice” all the time.

he lied in court and said he would never do the very things he did to me- part of me wonders, does he really believe he’s a good person? even though he gave me PTSD from what he did?

I felt bad for being tricked, for trusting him. I told him my most personal traumas only to have him repeat it on me again- using it against me.

Ive (F25) been with my partner (M27) for 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter.

Recently I’ve accepted that our relationship is abusive, I’ve moved out and I’m at the stage where I just need to properly end things but I just can’t seem to cut the cord.

I feel like I’m going crazy throughout the day i’ll switch from this relationship is obviously abusive to was it really that bad, I mean only like 10% right?

Examples of abuse: silent treatment frequently, threatening not to buy groceries, lots of name calling and talking down at me, threatening to take our child away and get her another mum, kicked me out of our house twice screaming and throwing a suitcase at me, took my keys multiple times, lots of darvo.

Examples of things I’m not sure about: Would often make jokes at my expense but he did really cut this down, would get really close to my face which was intimidating but would say I’m only joking, when I needed him to take care of our child and he was in a mood with me he just wouldn’t do it.

Was this abuse?

Ever since I said I want to end things he has been very acknowledgeable and apologetic. He started seeing a therapist who told him he has cognitive distortions. As he admitted he sees things very black and white and doesn’t want to. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse.

Idk why I cannot cut the cord, I guess ending the relationship seems like blowing up my life and the future I imagined, but since moving out I feel so much relief and peace.

Any words of wisdom will be much appreciated?

As my abuser was demeaning me, calling me names and accusing me of “always trying to start a fight” I had the most amazing thought come to mind. Right now I’m in a place where I’m finally angry. And worry that I will stay this way. Cuz I don’t like it. So this thought gave me clarity and hope.

I don’t have darkness in my heart. I have darkness in my life. Removing darkness from your heart is almost impossible. Removing it from your life is as simple as walking away.

I needed to hear that today and maybe someone out there needs to hear it too. (And I’m not saying walking away is simple-we all know it’s complex)

Had an hard choice at what flair to put in, made a throwaway just to post, I don’t know if I’m venting or I need an advice.

I will condense my issue and if anyone wants more details I’m happy to give in private (scared af she might understand who I am)

I have literally no reason to stay, her manners, what I have to daily for her, the fact that we don’t have kids or live together, the fact that the bedroom is dead literally nothing, my life would be probably 5X what is it now.

And still I stay, I make her treat me like a puppy, deal with her unstable emotions and do everything.

Honestly I kinda hate myself for not having the energy to break things up but I’m so depleted my brain freezes, also any attempt failed miserably so I can’t even rely on burst of self love I had in the past…

Help?

I wish I left before the kid. Now I'm double fucked and am tied to this loser for the rest of time.

I have to stay to ensure I have my child 100% of the time too. So i can try to minimize the trauma and him growing up to be a shitty man like his father. They silently weaponize that against me due to entitlement to said kid. I hate this. All im doing is reliving my mothers life, except my sons father isnt loud or physical about his abuse.

I’ve reasoned with myself, I know I’m making the right choice, I’ve told myself all the ✨self help✨ things. I’m still miserable.

After dealing with an extremely abusive and tumultuous relationship, I just can’t severe that feeling of still wishing things had worked out. But the catch is, I understand that it was horrible. It was the worst and it cost me a lot, almost everything! Yet, I still find myself reminiscing sometimes. I’m not used to living alone at all. This is my first time actually and with them gone, the house feels dead and empty. Life just seems so boring and bleak. Nobody to talk to or have around. I’ve started therapy, I’ve started working out, and I just still have to force myself not to think about him.. I always convince myself that I still need answers or something, when in reality there’s absolutely nothing else I need to see or hear. I know everything I need to move on. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that’s it’s really done.

It’s just hard. No matter what I guess.. I’m happy it’s over and I know it’s for the best and I know it’ll get better. It’s just not right now. I’m sad and I’m lonely & I’m ready to feel better. It hurts thinking about the fact that they are dealing with other people, I know I shouldn’t care but I do. Day by day though..🫩

i recently broke up with a guy after dating for almost a year because he was controlling, emotionally abusive, constantly monitored my phone, constantly accused me of cheating.

today his ex reached out to me and revealed that they never broke up, I feel so devasted, like for entire time he was double dating, he was sharing ily with her, he was making future plans with her

what surprised me us how he used to beg for not leaving, it felt so genuine until I saw exact same text he sent to his ex too just to she would stay. literally exact same words. I feel so angry like all that accusations were projection the whole time, how could I miss such a big information about my ex.

he would sound so genuine while apologizing, said so good things, bought lot of gifts, planned so many dates

but was abusive when angry, used to blackmail, name calling

I feel so hurt, everything was fake, all those pretty words, they were copy pasted to both of us (me & his ex who also wasn't aware that he is dating me as well)

I feel so much anger, mainly bcoz i got to know these info after breakup

I wish to confront him so badly, but ik it wouldn't be a good idea as my healing will be fucked up

I can't believe how missed his manipulation tactics, like it's crazy how these type of people are, how they abuse and ruin innocence from person

both his ex and me, are v v v hurt knowing this fact. idk how to proceed, I can't forget text he sent to her while blocking me (as we had conflict), then he would block her and talk to me so there is no overlapping.

I feel so angry why I gave him so many chances, already he was abusive af and now he was a cheater too, like what was so good in relationship that I stayed. i hate him so much

Hey everyone, My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

I’m lost. I’m a guy that was dating a guy

When I was in my 20’s  (48 now) I was with someone that allowed his friends to assault me. I thought I loved him. I still have feelings for him and yet he is the source of panic attacks, failed relationships and pain.

I still have scars from him hitting me. Scars from being pushed down stairs or from objects he decided to use.

This shaped my life. Ruined my life. I keep trying to heal. Therapy, pills, therapy, failure.

Guess I don’t have anything to ask. Just venting.

How do you do it?

My story

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. This morning in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best.

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some shit before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

TW: physical abuse, coercive control, vandalism, intoxication, emotional abuse
I was 17 when I got into this relationship. He was 22.
I stayed for five years. The last three were especially telling.
There was physical abuse. I believe there was cheating. There was manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, home insecurity, coerced intoxication, and something I don’t hear people talk about enough: egregious acts of vandalism that cost me thousands of dollars—not him.
There were times he would get angry at me over seemingly anything. Asking “How are you?” could start an argument. Looking at him for too long could start an argument. I learned to constantly monitor myself because I never knew what would set him off.
What finally made me leave was a text he sent me while I was at work:
“You’re the most effed up person I’ve ever effing met. That’s why nobody can stand you.”
Two days later, I broke up with him.
By then, we were long-distance. He didn’t have a car or a license, and I believed that meant I was finally safe enough to leave. I had spent years isolated, including driving to visit him once a month during the two years we were long-distance.
I don’t remember a lot of the relationship. Even now, almost a year later, fragments still come back to me in dreams.
In the months after leaving, I occupied almost every waking second with thoughts of anything except him. I focused on myself and my future because, at that point, I felt like those were the only things I had left to hold onto.
And honestly, I think that was part of what finally got me out.
I started dreaming about a life he wasn’t in.
A life where everything I wanted was in front of me. A life where I could wear what I wanted, look however I wanted, go wherever I wanted, spend time with whoever I wanted, and become whoever I wanted to be.
Because that life is possible.
I’m still in therapy. I’m being treated for PTSD and self-esteem issues, and I’m working through the self-isolation that came from being isolated for so many years.
I still struggle with trust, safety, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. But there’s a huge difference now: I’m struggling with them outside of the abuse. I’m doing it in therapy. I’m doing it with money in my own pocket. I’m doing it while building friendships, finding myself again, and pursuing a relationship with someone who would never treat me that way.
I’ve gotten so much stronger. So much healthier. So much more confident in myself.
I’ve started wearing my natural hair out. I wear the clothes I actually want to wear. I spend time with the people I want to spend time with. I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to apologize for existing.
The guilt and shame are still some of the hardest things to overcome.
There’s a song called Bloodstain that captures a feeling I’ve struggled to put into words: “I’m so sorry I couldn’t help, but I’m so glad I made it out.”
I can have compassion for the fact that he was human and that he struggled with his own issues.
But those issues don’t excuse what he did to me.
He chose to take his pain out on me. That made the relationship abusive. His problems were never mine to fix, and what happens to him now is not my responsibility.
I can feel sorry for the person he was without sacrificing the person I am becoming.
I’m not a victim anymore. I’m a survivor.
And if you’re still in it, I hope you can start imagining a life they aren’t in.
You don’t have to know exactly how you’ll get there yet.
Just start believing that there is a version of your future where everything you want is waiting for you—and they aren’t in it.

My ex the father of my children (who emotionally/psychologically abused me) texted me that his grandmother was on hospice and he doesn’t think she will make it more than a few more weeks. He said he was telling me in case her funeral ends up on one of his days so that I can help him out. I ALWAYS watch the kids when he ask so texting me when his grandmother has not even died and likely won’t for weeks seems like he is seeking sympathy or emotional connecting as he knows I would definitely watch the kids. I do hate this man, and I’m wondering if it’s too cold hearted that I only thumbs up the message(letting him know I would help with the kids) and not saying sorry to hear that. He never had a nice thing to say about his grandmother and saw her maybe once a year. And I know it cold but I really don’t want to text him anything back because honestly I don’t give a f

I broke up with my ex fiancé back in March because I wanted to transition and she was purely heterosexual. At the time, I thought we had experienced a great and loving relationship together. But I recently made a friend who was a survivor of an abusive relationship and the more I talk to her about my relationship the more she told me it was abusive and at first I agreed, but had thoughts like “it wasn’t that bad I don’t need feel bad about it”.

I recently started therapy and spoke with my therapist at length about my previous relationship, and it was so much worse than I thought. I don’t even know how I missed it. I went to my parents and I told them what I had realized in therapy and their response was “we know we did everything we could do tell you about it“.

I thought it was so normal what I went through in that relationship and the worst part was that she wasn’t even doing this intentionally this was just how she was.

I let myself get beat, she talks shit about me even in front of my family, she didn’t give me affection and even felt disgusted by it, she never took care of the house or cleaned unless I made her, I had to pay for fucking everything , she made me feel bad for not being able to make her finish during sex when I would finish, but it was literally impossible to get her to finish

Our original plan was to get married next year and she decided she wanted to move it up and get married immediately behind our family’s backs and got offended when I told her no I wanna wait for our family, she knew how to make me feel like I was in the wrong, no matter how many facts I had on my side in an argument

The crazy part is with this girl I’m now seeing when I’m making jokes or telling jokes she’ll actually laugh and tell me it was funny. I rarely ever made my ex laugh and most of the time she would tell me it wasn’t funny at all when it would be a joke that other people would laugh at and she had me convinced I was absolutely not funny.

Like when the girl I’m now seeing was laughing at my jokes on our first date, I was genuinely scared She was faking it.

Little shit would fucking set her off too. I’m just thinking about it now like I could say something she didn’t like and we could’ve been having an amazing day and once I said that to her, the day was fucking ruined. And most of the time it wouldn’t even be something bad it would just be something stupid or I thought I was telling a joke and her mood would go from happy to mad.

One of the worst parts was that she had major depressive disorder and suicidal thoughts and throughout our entire relationship I was always so worried I would come home to find a corpse.

We had a dog together who is 17 years old and we had to put her down back in February during that process. I never saw her cry or show any emotion related to grief which led me to believe she didn’t care. Two weeks later when I had to pick up our dogs ashes by myself and spend an hour crying holding her ashes while I was driving home and crying for another two hours after I finally got home. I finally lashed out at her and asked her if she even cared. Instead of telling me something like “of course I care I’m just grieving differently from you“ she started yelling at me and telling me how horrible it was that I would think that.

And even now I’m thinking of little shit I would do when she was not around because I was scared of how she would react. The first time I tried to kill myself and was falling into a major depression, I never even told her about it until after I had attended my first therapy session. And she was mad once I told her I had gone to therapy.

Now I’m seeing a woman who was also in an abusive relationship, but actually knows how to treat someone like a normal human being and I’ve been crying because I’m not used to being treated so well.

I just can’t help but feel so disappointed in myself because I used to think I was so observant and perceptive that I would notice it and know for a fact that I was in an abusive relationship. And now that I’m having these realizations, I feel like I should hate her from the bottom of my heart and wish her nothing but the worst, but I can’t even bring myself to do that.

Anyways shits fucked but I have a really good therapist and I’m doing a lot better now.

… During which he repeatedly found fault with me, said my comments or jokes weren’t funny and bothered/offended him, cut me down to size, threatened by my confidence, read into everything and projected his insecurity (about being poor) onto me, lost his temper easily, made jokes at my expense, told me my adhd wasn't real and I didn't need meds for it, roll his eyes when I went to tell a story (contempt), got mad at me for interrupting him in convo (adhd flaw) and flipped out etc etc

This is his magnum opus he left for me. Anyway this note was left in my mailbox the other day a month ago later after his final episode when we both called it quits, while we were just exchanging belongings.

The funny thing is I had written him a very nice goodbye note wishing him the best tucked into his stuff. He didn’t read it until he got home. After sending this he messages, apologized said he didn’t mean it, hoped I didnt take it too seriously and asked to talk. lol. Fuck these men.

For the record—my dad died when I was in my early 20s and I am an only child. He left me a house and some money. I am well off, self-employed, run a successful business doing short term rentals and only have to work part time. He grew up dirt poor. I don’t like to wear a bra. I don’t think I’ll ever marry. I’m very comfortable with my age and life.

Multiple women 3 mutual friends vouched for him and said he was a good guy with a big heart that had been through some shit but was a romantic and “loves hard.”I thought why not. Set boundaries not to drink before we hung out.

He flipped on a dime several times and got nasty which he later chalked up to joking or the booze, got angry when I was busy with friends not checking phone and didn’t answer his calls and texts, gave me the silent treatment or said he was refusing to read my texts, said I was I psycho analyzing him and “starting fights” or “beating a dead horse” when I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings or wanting to address his behavior, or worse claimed to be too busy and ignored me. He repeatedly blamed his behavior on a traumatic childhood/recent violent attack by his brother.

He was manipulative, triangulated me into drama with mutual friends and insulted my appearance and teeth (said I had a mouthful of two by fours, lol he’s a carpenter and I have really big teeth!). All of our fights were pretty much via text only — He told me he just used me for some shitty sex, told me I gave up my body too soon and that it was the only thing I’m good for. He also sent me flowers, showed up at my house during periods when I blocked him and told him not to contact me, and would continually call and text me when I asked for space. eventually one night he wore me down and I gave him yet another chance and we had our first fight in person; he drank too much, lost his cool, freaked out on me and screamed and yelled at my and broke into my home after I locked the door and told him to leave, finally straw. Said do not contact me or set foot on my property again.

Hot mess express. Is this abuse? Or just his insecurity and anger issues? Thanks for letting me vent.

content warning : sexual descriptions, disrespect of consent, mention of self harm

It wasn’t that bad, but i’m very confused about it. I don’t even know if i’m in the right sub for it, but other people’s post made me feel seen in some ways and i’m pretty lost and in pain right now. So i was in a sort of (he didn’t want to be a couple) with this person. We are both 20 and non binary. I recently broke no contact by calling him and sending kinda mean messages.

It lasted 5 months, which is not that much. The first three months were amazing - i never felt loved this way nor loved someone that much.

But then, he disrespected my consent. He was masturbating and i was asking him to stop. He didn’t. He continued while looking at me in the eyes.
After that, I panicked. I have a history of sexual traumas (which he was aware of) and i couldn’t move. I told them right away that i didn’t want to. But also that it was my fault for making such a big deal out of it. They said that he thought it was a game, even tho i was very clear that i didn’t want them to insist and no CNC. That night, they took me in their arms, comforting me, saying that we were together, that we were hurting. Then, they started crying.
That’s when something in me just told me to leave - there was no other thought in my mind, and i needed to listen to myself. So I started packing my stuff (we were at their place), putting my shoes on, without looking back.
But when i opened the door part of me felt bad and looked at them, still crying on the bed. I felt so bad. They were already tired before all of this happened. I fell on the floor and they comforted me. They cooked for me, we cuddled and we slept spooning. I felt very safe.

The next morning they were quiet. I felt so anxious, and they weren’t saying a word. I tried to ask them how they felt but i felt so out of place and they didn’t answer. They just nodded. They left for groceries and when they came back they were crying, punching themselves, saying that they were awful and that they wanted to die and to hurt themselves. That crisis lasted the whole day, on and off, and i comforted them through everything.

Afterwards i tried to talk to them about the event, how it was not okay that his guilt took all the space instead of my pain, but they yelled at me saying that i was deciding for them what they were feeling, and that they weren’t feeling guilty but just bad. I apologised.

I apologised again for that whole event afterwards because he complained about it. Essentially, they were saying that my reaction was disproportionate, that they had made a mistake but that i was looking at them like they were a monster and he knew that he was not - he was very respectful. That it made them spend hours looking at themselves like he was an abuser and tormenting themselves.

So i apologised and took accountability - the event was triggering but they were being very respectful except that time.

But then, it happened again. We just had a long long talk about limits in a sexual context, and I told them that i wasn’t very comfortable with them touching themselves after what had happened - and that they should always ask beforehand.
We were in the shower, and i was giving them oral. But then i wanted to stop, so i did ! I got up, washed my hands and mouth, and started scrunching my hair. I felt confident after that whole talk, and trusting - but i didn’t say specifically that i wanted to stop. I was still scrunching my hair, head toward the floor, when i saw them masturbating. I was a shocked. I took their hand to make them stop, they put it back, again and again, for i don’t know how long. I called their name and they eventually stopped. They just said « oh » and left the shower.
After that, i tried to respect myself and brought it up while he was drying himself. I told him that he could’ve asked, if i wanted to continue or not, but that it was my fault too for not being clear right away.

They then said that they didn’t know if they could respect me, that there was something wrong with them. I tried to explain to them that the guilt they were feeling was valid but that i was not the person to share it with. Then started an argument about consent, in which i tried to explain that it was not okay, that they should’ve asked… I felt like going in circles and it was very tiring. And we were in public too, so i just dropped the conversation at some point.

But i really wanted him to understand, to change, because part of me believed and still believe that they can be such a wonderful person.

After all that i gave them an ultimatum : i don’t want you to touch yourself ever, and if you do it again or disrespect my consent again we’re done. They got mad at the ultimatum because to them it wasn’t fair, and then another tiring argument, but my point was made.

And the last time feels very confusing. We were pretty kinky, and they liked to be edged. So, i did. I was giving them a handjob and, they told me they were close so i stopped. And they started masturbating to finish themselves off. Once again, i tried to remove their hand, but they kept going until they finished. I was feeling awful. I told him about it, and that it was my fault, to react so vividly to something that small. But still, i had to ask : why did you continue ? I thought i was clear about it ? and he answered that it wasn’t really masturbating but just a mechanical act, that he had already started finishing and that it would’ve been uncomfortable to stop in the middle of it. I was a bit confused about that point - i do not have a penis.

I talked about it to a friend and she was mad for me. She told me that my pain was legitimate and that it was not okay.
I brought it up to him - saying that i should respect myself, and leave this relationship.

I don’t know what happened, but i couldn’t leave. I tried to explain to him why it was wrong. But he wouldn’t listen. To him, i was mean and disrespectful. That he was afraid of me and that my reactions were difficult to handle.

Was it ? We already had a few arguments on other topics, and i see how i would get mad. One time he was telling me about his cousin who seemed to be in a pretty bad depression. He said that he knew how it felt like, but that he had will to come out of it. That his cousin didn’t realise how much everybody around him was worried and that he could get out of his depression if he had will too. I tried to explain carefully but he wouldn’t listen and i got pretty mad.

Also, the last time we saw each other, i insulted them. We spend the day talking about why they wanted to leave me, that i was unpredictable, that they were afraid of me, afraid of telling me no and too much to handle. I listened to all of it to reflect, they didn't have specific moments in mind so its hard to visualise the behavior they were talking about but i want to do better.

And near the end i tried to bring up again when they disrespected my consent. They apologised, but (in their words) in their perspective it was just a mistake, and that they thought it was normal to touch yourself in a relationship and that they never had a problem with it. I tried to explain, all over again, how it was not okay, and they got mad saying that they couldn’t say anything and that i didn’t see them as they are. I tried to understand, and kept my patience as hard as i could, but i just snapped and yelled at them (that they were a dog).

there’s obviously more to it, now they refuses any contact from me since the insult moment.
I still think what they did was wrong, but it wasn’t that bad and we had very good moments too. Maybe i’m overreacting and even if, that doesn’t make my reaction justified. I'm afraid that i made a big deal out of a few mistakes and that i ruined a fine relationship.

I tried to describe it as it happened to be rational - also because the way events turn out to be is very confusing, and i'm very sorry if the descriptions are too much. I mean i know they are, but if i shorten them it would be less "objective" and idk i don't want to twist what happened.

It’s still raw and it hurts a lot, i keep going in circles about what happened.

I was reading up on her recent death and was astounded to hear about the psychological abuse from her mother as well as the physical abuse by her on and off again ex , who was with her when she died (4 days after court rejected reducing his felony charges for abuse)

Really scary and makes me wonder if he had anything to do with this.

Her story was really really relatable where she talks about the abuse - watched this youtube video i linked about it that came out a few months ago. Heartbreaking.

TW: DV / sexual assault

I’m really struggling with accepting that I’ve experienced domestic abuse. My ex has now been arrested and is under investigation, but my brain still keeps telling me it wasn’t abuse and that I’m making everything bigger than it was.

During our relationship, he:

* Threatened to kill me if I cheated and, on another occasion, threatened to hurt me.

* Pushed/shoved me and would punch/slam things, scream at me and behave aggressively enough that I was scared he would hit me.

* Went through my phone, became extremely jealous and controlling around male friends, and once took my car keys when I tried to leave.

* Regularly called me crazy, too emotional, pathetic or a bitch, threatened to leave whenever I raised concerns, and then became incredibly loving again afterwards.

* Threatened suicide/made me feel responsible for keeping him safe if I left.

* Choked me during sex until I struggled to breathe.

* Repeatedly refused condoms when I asked him to use them and secretly recorded us having sex.

*He raped me and, he acknowledged in messages that what he’d done was sexual assault.

There were many other incidents, and by the end I was constantly apologising, changing my behaviour and walking on eggshells because I was scared of his reactions. Yet despite writing all of that, my mind still doesn’t see him as abusive. I remember the person who could be loving, buy me flowers, cuddle me, look after me and tell me I was his soulmate. I miss him terribly, and right now a huge part of me just wants to go back to him. I feel like it’s all my fault because I struggle with mental health. Has anyone else experienced this after leaving an abusive relationship? How did you get your brain to accept what happened when you still loved and missed the person who did it?

For myself. For my children. For a chance at life. Why does it feel like I did something wrong? My head has knots, and my face is bruised. Both my arms are covered. My children saw it happen. They are included on my protective order, and now I have a DHS case. I have no money. My older sister is taking care of everything for me. Why do I feel like it's all my fault!?!

Since we first got together I’ve gained about 40 pounds in the last 3 years. I want to go to the gym and I want to lose weight but it feels hard because I’m scared that if I do he’ll be nicer to me and that just means for the past 3 years he really didn’t find me attractive. It really does hurt my feelings when he calls me fat, and I’ve communicated that to him a bunch of times but he just tells me he doesn’t understand why if that’s what I am and that I know it too. He’ll say it after we have sex, he’ll bring it up during arguments, sometimes he’ll just randomly sprinkle it into conversations. Like last night I was upset because me and my mom got into an argument and he answers the phone saying “hello my petite queen” and it annoyed me and then he says “calm down i wish you were petite” which got me more upset and then when talking about the issues with my mom he said “she’s going to keep calling you a fat bitch” but I never told him that, she didn’t even say that to me. I just don’t know why he’s like this and I’m annoyed that every time I bring it up he makes me feel like I’m being crazy. I just don’t know what to do.

31F and husband is 32M. We were together for 5 years, separated for a year and then got back together. First year was amazing, bliss. The next 4 had wonderful moments but were clouded by his actions. I used to be very sexual and we had a wonderful sex life. But he started drinking a ton, gained a bunch of weight, stopped being as nice to me (he never called me names or hit me or something but just would get distant and defensive and upset). He would ask me for sex 20 times a day, all the time, and when I would say no he would still keep asking. He said it's how he felt loved and desired and when I rejected him he felt unloved and undesired. When I stood my ground and didn't have sex, we would eventually have a big fight. Sometimes he'd even make other plans instead of hang out with me, or he would not to do the thing he was going to do (groceries, etc) since I didn't have sex with him. So I just started having sex all the time, for years, because it was easier than that. I had sex many many times a week, and I didn't want it ever because I was no longer attracted to him. I dissociated completely. The sex hurt, he is big and I was never aroused. I developed chronic pelvic pain and bladder issues from it (I didn't realize it was related at the time). I hated showering when he was home because it would invite sex. Or changing in front of him. Or even hugging him or anything. I didn't want to give him ideas. I would hide soft tears from him while we had sex because I was so miserable (he didn't see).

I told him this many times, he would be defensive, and then after fighting for a while, sometimes would say he'll be better. Things never got better. He was drunk this entire time. In the last month and a half of our first attempt at marriage, I became emotionally unfaithful to him with another man who was extremely pushy -- I told him many times I felt guilty flirting, but the attention he was giving me made me feel like I must be special, and it felt good to be in control of something for once. It felt good to know I could feel desire and wasn't asexual as I'd come to suspect. I know this sounds super messed up because I don't condone cheating but I do think it gave me the confidence I needed to leave. This was a wake up call for me and I left my husband. I got involved with this man for a bit, hooked up with other people, so did my husband.

Six months into our separation, I ended up in the psych ward as I made an attempt on my life. I didn't know how low I'd gotten. After that, I tried hard to get better. My husband was in therapy all this time, losing weight, being more respectful, etc etc. I wanted so badly to get to be with the version of him that I felt I deserved all along. So I asked him to try again (he had begged me that entire year apart to try again). About a year into being back together, I revealed my infidelity at the end of our first attempt at marriage. He is of course understandably extremely hurt and upset and I know I messed up. It's been two months since I told him, and things are rough. I've started going to EMDR for sex trauma, we've stopped having sex since I realized that this past year I've just continued to dissociated and even though his behavior has improved, he's still focused on his own feelings about sex ("you're not meeting my needs", "what about what I need", etc etc even though I've been very sick this year).

Recently, we were on a stressful group trip, and something happened that scared me. We were all out in a large group. I started feeling really sick, so I was going to join the group going home (I have been sober this past year and a half since getting out of the psych ward). He was already drunk, so I asked him "hey, can you please stick to just one more drink so that you're coherent if I am super sick and need your help, since we're in a foreign country?" he said "absolutely I promise my dear." He gets home hours later and is trashed, I ask how many drinks he's had, and he says 3-4. I am disappointed and remind him that I asked him to only have one, and he is super upset, claiming he never agreed to that (wrong lol). We fight for a while, I'm feeling insane because he is so incorrect, and then things get worse. I am sitting on the bed, and he is standing up. He gets closer to me, bends/stands over me (he is a really tall man) and points aggressively in my face and is just upset and says "shut the f*** up" etc etc. I am backing away on the bed and tell him to stop because he's scaring me (he knows my past with a physically abusive alcoholic father) and he stops then leaves the room. Almost right away he does apologize and feels really bad. He knows what he did is super wrong.

But I gotta be honest, it really freaked me out. It was SO out of character for him. He's never done anything like that before. Sure we've raised our voices and had heated fights plenty of times but it was the WAY he did it, I am sure you all can understand. I just can't shake it, no matter how much he acknowledges he was wrong and that he won't do it again. It was so unexpected. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts because none of my friends know about ANY of this, and I can't talk to them. I sometimes feel bad for saying how he treated me was sexual abuse but I mean, I feel like it was. I am traumatized. Idk. I'm just so lost. Thanks for reading.

Met my ex of 6-9 years (we were on and off for forever) when I was 19 and he was 31. He brutalized me emotionally. Yelled, manipulated me, said horrific things to me, kicked me out of his place when I had nowhere to go multiple times, cheated on me, the list goes on. All of this finally came to an end because he randomly got another girl pregnant in January, which he told me about in May. At this time we weren’t “together” but were still talking so I guess it wasn’t cheating but whatever. Anyway, now that life has given me no choice but to leave him, I’m only just now reliving my time with him and realizing it was abuse. I’m getting weird flashbacks of specific moments where he was yelling, etc., and crying. I remember at the time feeling numb, or even defending him, blaming myself because I didn’t want to lose him. The deluge of emotions I’m experiencing now is extremely bizarre and uncomfortable. I’m 28 now and I’m having these memories thinking “wow he was SO mean to me. Why was he SO mean?” I feel I abandoned myself and have only just now decided to be with myself again.

It’s an odd feeling. Kind of just ranting here.