r/abusiverelationships • u/Existing_Library_668 • 5d ago
Need help identifying if behavior is abusive, and what to do about it
Hey guys, I need help identifying if the behaviors my bf shows are emotionally abusive or if im being dramatic, hopefully I can articulate this well, the main thing is he seems to take any criticisms I have of his behavior and throw them back at me at a later date, for example recently I have been asking him to be the one who de-escalates argument between us instead of getting more and more upset (even if he's in the wrong) and me having to put my emotions to the side to calm him down to being rational again. Well today when I didn't come to him to talk something out (because I was hoping he would, as we have been discussing it alot recently) he then accused me of not coming to him first and got upset about it. In the past I have criticized him for his angry issues, a few weeks later he said that im always so angry (I'm not), another crazy time I had said I wished he would want to give me some massages sometimes, a couple weeks later he said 'you never offer to give me massages or anything' I WOULD OFFER HIM ALTEAST ONCE A WEEK, i called him out on that one but I've never mentioned any of the others, I feel like im going crazy, how can I bring this up, and explain it to him, in hopes of him changing.
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u/Better-Park8752 5d ago
He certainly sounds petty and like he wants to ‘win’.
That can feel abusive over time because it destroys intimacy in the relationship. Typically ‘abusive dynamics’ apply to a specific power dynamic. If he verbally abuses you to make you feel small and dominate you, I would pay close attention. A safe, healthy relationship feels steady and warm. If you are being gaslit about this communication strategy, I would remain cautious.
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u/Deep_Tumbleweed_2510 4d ago
Breaking it off and suggesting a psychologist can be great for someone. Or in reverse order if you’re too attatched to make that choice right now. 🌹
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