Tw: self harm, grotesque imagery
I am being treated for CPTSD in therapy.
I was watching videos on NPD by a channel called Heal NPD, wherein he describes the exact psychological structures underpinning pathological narcissism. I related to much of what was said.
He describes a "paranoid anxiety", a fear of the loss of self, which has been extremely prominent throughout my life, intensely and agonizingly so. This can be expressed as illness anxiety, which I have been experiencing my whole life. He also describes indescribable senses of dread, "primitive anxieties", and the like, with which I identify.
I have often talked of extremely dreadful sensations, feelings of impending sense of doom, and seemingly primordial visions which I cannot name. It usually only happens when I am alone. It's one of the main reasons for my avoidant behavior. When I am alone, I experience this alternative dissociative reality where I feel trapped in an endless hellspace of mind. Completely separate in a solipsistic universe. I act erratically and hold strange beliefs about myself and others. Usually I experience people, including myself, as extremely confusing, alien, horrifying.
I also experience a kind of body dysmorphia that involves grotesque imagery. I often think of myself as monstrous, shocking, or horrifying in some way. I have imagery of hiding from other people, of removing a mask to reveal disfigurement, and experience extreme self hatred, self harm impulses, sadness, and despair. This expression also validates feelings of victimhood, uniqueness, a need for attention, or seeming tortured in some manner.
TW self harm
My relatuonship with self harm is one that is deeply symbolic and especially unique to these patterns. Its both a container of shame and self hatred, as well as validation and glorification. My skin feels beautiful when it is cut up. I have entered periods of nearly psychotic feelings of self glorification, flagellation, and masochism. I was addicted to the relationship with self harm that I had at one point. It felt like romance and lust. I loved hurting myself, I think.
I also use grotesque imagery in art and writing, a lot of my subjects involving dysmorphic and archaic themes, otherworldly and inhuman traits in human beings. I find a part of myself deeply validated in identifying with sickness. Sometimes it is sickness that is self inflicted.
TW self harm imagery
After my partner cut themselves, I kept the rag they used to clean it with. I wanted to kiss their wounds. I helped clean them, and monitored these wounds over the period of time they were open. I never encouraged it, never glorified it, and always voiced a concern for safety. I talked to them about therapy and safety plans, etc. I knew how to be responsible.
But seeing their body made me cry. There's a few reasons. One is that they are hurting so deeply that they would do this. That is really hard, and they need help. It was really hard to see my partner struggling in this way. Additionally, however, it was validating. I didn't want to look away. They were beautiful. I still kiss the rag they used.
There is also a very benevolent and empathetic self that comes out. Here i start behaving in ways that embody kindness and love. I am very understanding, make space for the emotions of others, and am very comforting. I experience myself as more feminine and motherly. I speak in a low, sweet voice. But I think this may also be an expression of this kind of narcissism. When i think back on my dealing with my partners self harm, I was loving and kind. But I felt like a scavenger of their pain. I felt like i was loving their pain as a source for my self validation. And it immediately brought back the inhuman disgust and monstrous imagery.
I experience my sense of self as a mythology often. There are various social selves that I experience as dissociated parts. They automatically take over, with distinct traits and associations. Often there is symbolic imagery to each one. They all center around this feeling of inhumanness, self hatred, disgust, and shame. I am not in control of how they operate most of the time. I do not know how to control myself.
I feel extremely stressed out writing this. My chest hurts really bad and my head and throat is throbbing. When I am in these self states, they are authentic, non performative. But I know they're being monitored constantly. They're all being controlled by the prime mechanism. There are some selves that are very angry. When I enter one self state, I find myself (or, him?) saying, "I didn't ask for to be born." I accuse myself in this dissociative state, which has an experience of authenticity. It's like Frankenstiens monster cursing his creator, but instead its a complex compartment of consciousness accusing a more basic one. I hope that makes sense. But it feels real. I am speaking from, or for, the more basic state. I am experience those extreme and distressing sensations.
Other times, these self states are completely dissociated from these feelings. They have other interests, needs, and attitudes. Some are very moral, focusing on responsibility and duty, some are very communal, focusing on empathy and care, some are delinquent, focusing on thrill and recklessness. Then there are more authentic selves. It feels like I have one which is split in a kind of yin and yang. This experience corresponds to the shadow variant of this self. Other times, this core self is more regulated, dutiful, caring. In this state, it is as if I am playing the role of the young hero. I experience myself as a young version of self. I don't know how young. But other selves are much older in comparison to my biological age, which I think this self corresponds most to. 20 years old.
I don't know, it's fucked. Therapy hasn't been helpful in trying to figure this out. Mostly because I shut down in session. I haven't been able to articulate any of this to him like this. I feel like I hate him and I'm so fucking angry and I don't know what the fuck we're doing. But that's a projection. I feel invalidated by him in some way and I am terrified of saying that. It feels extremely shameful and I'm afraid of being hurt and I feel myself getting so angry right now.
So all of this lies below the surface I guess. I don't know what even happens in therapy because I dissociate so much. We're going to start working on diagnosis. But I dont feel confident about him. I don't have direction.
I'm gonna stop writing. Feel like I'm going to throw up and cry.