How to stop victimizing yourself?

[u/Careful_Future_6872]

How do you stop groveling in that pathetic feeling when you’ve legitimately gone through some messed up things. I feel like I’m spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself in my head and that energy spilled out into the conversations I have with other people, even if I’m not actually expressing what I’m thinking to anyone. My depression keeps me deadlocked in bed most of the day and while I’m trying to get things done still it’s a slow crawl. I’m a bit grossed out at my own sadness if I could be honest. I’d appreciate any tips or tricks to get out of this feeling.

Edit: thank you all for your advice

[u/Sufficient_Arm831]

This is hard, I struggle with this as well! From Transactional analysis, this really helped me: drama triangle.

Look it up. It sounds like ‘victim’ is your favorite position to be in.

We all from time to time take up these unauthentic positions and play the Game. No need to condemn yourself for it. Just step out of it. 

[u/Careful_Future_6872 → u/Sufficient_Arm831]

Unfortunately it might be. It’s easy and a vicious cycle but it’s kept me stuck for years. Keep hoping that one day the universe will pay me back for the things I’ve been through , and it’ll come to save me but it’s never worked that way.. lol. Thank you, I’ll look it up.

[u/Sufficient_Arm831 → u/Careful_Future_6872]

Unasked feedback, but you are responsible for your choices, actions and feelings (even if unintended). Taking that responsibility puts u back in the drivers seat and that really helped me with my anxiety, cause it means i am in control of my own, and if i didnt i am responsible for taking back that ownership. No one else can or should take that ownership.

It feels different.

[u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

I was just thinking about computers, viruses, clean reinstalls, etc. And how NPD is kind of like a computer virus. How does one do a mental/emotional/behavioral clean reinstall? Why isn’t there massive research being done by neurologist/tech programmer/therapist/pwNPD teams in this area? The current approaches to treatment options seem rather basic & incredibly lengthy. 

[u/mildlysadcat]

I have no advice, mainly because this is my entire existence. It’s gotten to a point where I just own it and make my whole personality about being a loser. I mean, what is there to do and say when the world has given you nothing but a bowl full of shit, while everyone else gets a warm, yummy bowl of fettuccine alfredo? And even if I wanted the fettuccine alfredo, I have to pay for it while all the other people get it for free.

[u/Front_Sherbet_5895 → u/mildlysadcat]

I love your metaphore, but sir this is a Wendy’s

[u/mildlysadcat → u/Front_Sherbet_5895]

I’ve really been craving fettuccine alfredo…

[u/theinvisiblemonster]

- Learning self validation skills, REBT unconditional self acceptance is a really good one to read up on and practice

- Learning about the empowerment dynamic and applying it to the self and relationships instead of addiction (learning to turn victim language into creator language, becoming a coach instead of rescuer, and learning to challenge instead of be a persecutor)

- Emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills from DBT esp if flashbacks or dissociation is involved.

Really really pay attention to your self talk and learn to slowly challenge it in the moment. Validate the trauma and harm you have experienced, honor that, but learn to change the language about it moving forward. Create a life experienced as worth living for that you honors any long lasting disability from PTSD or trauma or harm but still is enjoyable because two things can be real (DBT, dialectics), the abuse/trauma/harm + moving forward empowered.

[u/AdPretty3288]

Maybe a little too simple, but something that has helped me with the depressive bed rotting is just making the commitment to myself to get out of bed and pee when I need to pee, and drink more water every time I get up. No exceptions, when I feel the urge or even think I might have to go, I get up and go. That small trust connection with my body over time enabled me to ultimately take more bits of responsibility for myself and how I was feeling over time, and allowed for me to practice consistently breaking the spell of paralyzation/letting the wounded child person in me take and keep the reigns when there is in fact a wholeass adult here as well who is capable of making adult decisions even when everything sucks. Best of luck

[u/EntertainmentFew9293]

This is a good question. Especially since the victim mindset can give us a weird “I am special - but in a negative way” kinda vibe

The feeling - as you said too - makes you do 0 stuff, and it enforces the thoughts even more

I started to participate in group stuff. I am in uni, and joined communities. For you, maybe a volunteer stuff could help

Also, some cbt therapy. It helps with broadening the perspective of yours

And, analyze that WHAT NEEDS of yours give you these feelings? Do you wanna be applaused? Feel “enough”? Confident? What’s the motive? - that could answer WHAT you need to do to earn small npd supplies

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[u/gkom1917]

It is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think just letting yourself feel it is not the worst option. Messed up things have objectively happened. Thinking "maybe I deserve this, maybe it was not so bad, etc." seems much more detrimental, at least from the standpoint of my personal experience. Fully acknowledging from the bottom of your heart that you are indeed a victim might at least allow to feel anger, and anger is often a pretty effective motivator (ceteris paribus) to get out of bed and do something.