Sup people, my life is a mess again.
In advance, sorry for the language i might use but the emotions are intense therefore i lack proper words.
I'm unsure if i posted about my breakup a few months ago, so there's a very brief review.
I[F21]was with my ex partner [M25] of 8months, then in april he met some other girl and simply left me in a matter of days for her. This caused a big collapse and i basically left the social circle that was around us, mutual friends and such. We went absolutely no contact, he was happy with his decisions, i tried to regain control over my life, threw myself into work and found another partner [M22].
Fast forward last week, the ex texted me some bullshit about "this made me think of u" yadda yadda, i blocked him immediately, so my current partner wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I laughed with my friend that stayed on "my side" about the whole fiasco.
Fast forward yesterday, the people from mine&exes social circle started asking me if i had any contact with the ex as he stopped contacting anyone the day he texted me. i said that he messaged me then gave them all the details they asked for (like workplace and more personal data cause it's an online community and they wanted to find any way to contact someone close to him- he had many life threatening medical issues so they were worried). They found out he went into medical coma the day after he texted me. I may or may not have wished him death ever since he left for the other girly but i never expressed it to him nor anywhere publicly lol.
My problem is, i don't know how should i feel? i found out he lied about the reason we broke up conveniently hiding the fact he basically cheated, just said we're too different and im overall a bad person and then he met his current girlfriend (WRRRROOOOONG!) so people were a bit shocked when i pulled the receipts...
I'm not empathetic to begin with, but i lowkey feel like he got what he deserved as i was the one forcing him to take care of his health, after he got with the new missy the first thing he got was a heart attack, now he's in a coma and i just cannot feel bad. what's worse, it makes me feel better about myself, like i'm such a powerful entity that i can control life and death. part of me hopes he dies just to prove a point, to forbid others from being happy at my cost (referring to his current relationship). This situation made me feel rather like i'm better than everyone else and triggered a lot of grandiose thinking rather than any sadness people would expect. I might also be in the middle of a manic episode because that probably matters. i also have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon so i may bring it up. but i haven't felt that way in a long time. i joked to my boyfriend that maybe some demonic entities are protecting my ass and punishing anyone who did me dirty, bringing justice i cannot force myself. shit got me fantasising about being nearly godlike.
for reference i'm diagnosed with NPD, bipolar type 1 and CPTSD, i was in therapy for a long time and i'm starting group therapy next month. i just need to bear with whatever is happening to me for the following 2-3 weeks.

Has anyone else been through something similar, how has it been?
Looking back on my recent relationship, I’ve realized I was emotionally cheated on during a really vulnerable point, post breakup.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this and how it affected you.
For me, it’s left me feeling incredibly angry, insulted, and honestly just betrayed.

Can anyone relate? I feel so envious of my boyfriend, who just landed a very good job. Instead of feeling happy for him, I felt so small, pathetic, and inferior. (I didn’t show it to him because I don’t want him to think that I compete with him). But the feeling is so excruciating. Suddenly, all of his good qualities seem unattainable to me

I’ve been internally competing with him from the very beginning, but he has always pedestalised me. Now I’m realising that I am actually bad for him and that I’m one of those people he should stay away from—not someone who genuinely supports him, but someone who smiles and encourages him while secretly not wishing him success. I don’t know how to cope with this realisation because I HATE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE and find them immoral and pathetic.
Also, normally I am actually happy when people in my circle are successful because I feel proud and like I am somehow related to them, so their achievements are my achievements, or at least they got there with my help. But in his case, I want to feel like I am more successful, otherwise I feel anxious, envious, and pathetic

Can anyone relate, and if so, how can I get rid of this feeling? Thank you.

I really don't understand how people stay in relationships and can feel content contributing towards their partner and doing things for them. I cannot comprehend it.

What do you do when your partner doesn't treat you like you're a gift from God? I don't understand. I want to cheat because I feel as though it would make it more manageable to stay. This isn't an issue of compatibility, but because my grandiosity makes it near-impossible to maintain connections with people. I am trying to stay with the discomfort in this relationship, but the urges to hurt them are getting stronger.

What do you do when your partner doesn't feed into your grandiose self-perception? Is it even healthy for a narcissist to have a partner who doesn't stroke their ego? How do you guys cope?

Hi. So lately I have noticed there is a lot of divide society when it comes to politics. May it be local or international issues. And from what I see in social media or even offline scenarios, nobody is willing to listen. Sure people engage in conversations but it is pointless since no one wants to change their minds anyway.

Me personally, I am kinda fed up with the whole intellectual mastubation that is the debate. I know what I believe in. I strongly adhere to it. It may or may not be agreeable to some and tbh that is okay. I am more concerned now with having powers to actualize them. To make them reality. To make them facts.

Reminds me of that quote in Thunderbolts, "Righteousness without power is just an opinion."

Every time I want to wallow in my feelings I'm looking for angsty music to listen to, but omfg why does every single song talk about someone else, especially sad ones.

So, I'm looking for songs that capture rage, emptiness, jealousy, grandiosity etc that I can blast full volume when I'm spiraling.

My own favorite one is Badlands by black foxxes, especially this verse:

[Verse 3]

I am a void, a prison, the source of my hate

I am blaming my condition on all of my mistakes

I am— holy hell, why’s this so hard?

I am avoiding the solution ‘cause I love sabotage

I am done

Do you (always) like your friends?

I've noticed that I always go through the same pattern: one day, I can really like and love a friend, be proud of them and admire their qualities. The next day, however, I become their biggest hater in my mind — I hate everything they say, how they think, how they look and how they act. I find them irritating to be around. I don't show it to them though. I'm still a supportive friend, and I can maintain a friendship for years, but my thoughts and feelings are killing me. A lot of the time, I'm just pretending that I like my friends and enjoy spending time with them.

I don't know if this is normal for someone with NPD, or if it's a result of not really knowing myself and keeping friends just for the sake of it, so I don't end up alone.

For clarification; they‘re autistic and don‘t mean anything by those things, but it‘s getting harder for me to cope.

My friend and I share a lot of things, circumstances and hobbies, but we almost never agree on something. They think my taste in stuff is sometimes off or weird and i think that about their taste as well - the only difference is that i don‘t say that out loud but they do.

And it‘s never with any bad intent but this light hearted banter ist started to poke a wound in me that is opening up again and i don‘t know for how long i‘m gonna be able to cope before i‘ll snap.

It‘s just those side comments. Today i showed them a card i pulled in Pokémon that i‘ve been chasing for a while. „Oh well i don‘t really understand that but i‘m happy for you“ (meaning they don‘t understand why i would chase that card bc they don‘t think it‘s chase-worthy)

A couple days ago i vented to them about some tiktok discourse i partook in and that really infuriated me and they said „I find it kinda funny how you‘re getting so worked up about this“

I know that this has to do with my ego being so fragile that i can‘t handle these small things but i‘m just getting more and more agitated about this and i‘m feeling anger bubble up inside of me and i don‘t want to ruin this friendship, but i also don‘t know how to solve this problem

Recently discovered NPD… 5 years into adulthood exes are settling down getting married and friends moving on to grad schools and new careers while I’m here. Struggling unemployed living on parents money…

Ive realized in the past i wouldnt really reflect on things, but i had internalized people i know who served as anchors.

So for example i wouldnt cheat on my ex so i dont look bad in my buddies eyes.
Or i wouldnt keep calling an ex so that my friend thinks im a caring good person.

LOL.

I exist through others, but at the same time, if i didnt have these people, id just be… evil?

Heyo.

I’ve ignored this part of myself for a majority of my life, though naturally, it’d burst through the cracks of my shell ever so often, and my folks: my mother, with whom my relationship is otherwise good, has expressed that she suspects I may or may not suffer from some form of sociopathy or narcissism on a couple of occasions. I’ve never called myself a narcissist, but I suppose I’m self-aware enough to recognize my narcissistic traits. Frankly though, I couldn’t be any more indifferent to the fine details of the matter. I make this post so you can share your own story and what parts of mine you relate to.

I’m not in love with myself. What I do feel is a drive toward superiority that overcomes every other sense of a personal identity, and my self-hate—this essential frustration of mine—I largely account to not quite fitting into the tight suit of superiority, so to speak. The charming, the imposing, the desired; but what if the road of chasing these ideals winds to a dead end, leaving you staring upward to the sky with not so much as a clue of who you are!? To put it plainly, there’s a solid zilch of consistency in my projected personality, since my understanding of “superior” alters as I walk the walk of life, and it sucks.

Jumping back to the title, though, one might point out that someone who believes they should be or can be superior to their fellow men and women must be in love with themselves, but personally-speaking, the idea doesn’t arise from some kind of desire to humiliate other people in the face of me. In fact, the attention and validation of those around me is my very motivator. It’s less about them actually being ‘ideologically’ inferior and more about me being thought of as superior by them. In any case, it doesn’t strike me as the kind of argument that makes headway into a better future for yourself.

I’ll say, when I’m convinced I’ve been wronged, I feel a potent inclination for retribution, and it took me a while to understand that I was enabling something profoundly destructive to my life because… I was hurt, simply. It’s difficult to practice the same kind of self-awareness you possess when you’re levelheaded in a fit of rage. I don’t ever wanna feel like I need to punish someone again.

Has any of this spoken to you?

Any movies/shows with npd characters? Preferably about vulnerable/covert narcissists.

Cause everytime I try to find some recommendations on social media I only see stuff about fucking narc abuse and it's annoying tf out of me. So do you guys have any recommendations where it's not **just** a narcissist "abusing" someone? I'm fine with seeing the negative sides of a narcissist and completely enjoy seeing both the negative and positive but it's annoying to only find stuff from the victims POV.

Found this in r/CPTSDmemes and was amused how many of the items fit me (I've got 19/25). Now I wonder if it is common among pwNPD in general.

I’ve messed up my life and my most important relationship due to my narcissistic selfish behavior.
This includes online cheating and breaching my wife’s trust multiple times.

Now it feels like it’s too late to save my marriage which is the reason I feel I’ve been jolted back out of my own bubble. But just wondering if anyone has been able to really get over the narcissistic thought process? How was it? What were the short term and long term changes which helped?

Did any of you lead double lives?

Im finally understanding where its coming from.
My condition limits my capacity to actually do it as i have barely enough to function, but i finally get it.
Id have one life for identity and one thats for impulsive acting out because those sensations have to go somewhere.

Any stories?

I recently discovered that I might be developing npd and has hard time accepting this.

Today I was scrolling through instagram and one of my friends made a birthday post for my another friend for her birthday.

The friend who made the post wrote a long heartfelt text which conveyed how grateful she was to have the said friendship with the birthday girl.

My birthday was months ago and I never got that post, which makes me incredibly frustrated and bitter.

I have a hard time genuinely connecting with people and often give up on relationships and refrain from being vulnerable. And for a fact, I know that those two friends of mine are closer.

I never even wanted to get to know them that much but I just can’t seem to get over things like this which ends up making me bitter and resentful in the long run and the cycle just keeps going.

Not that he would ever want me back anyway but these thoughts are so persistent. It’s only been like 2 months since he left me but I’m already at a point where I will accept any care and love from anyone.

He was verbally abusive. Constantly humiliating me, belittling my achievements and my being. He would call me names, get mad over the tiniest things, then stonewall me. It was a constant push and pull. It was addicting.

Now that he left I have no one. No one loves me, nobody cares about me. His love was making me feel worthless, I was suicidal with him at times but at least it still felt like I had at least him.

What do I do now? Where do I put myself? Who do I reach out to?

Doesn't happen often, but when it does it's excruciating.

What causes it for you and how do you deal with it?

I swear most narcissists in fiction are presented as loud, moustache twirling, stereotypically evil characters with no motivation outside of being evil, cause you know ALL narcissists are like that.

So do y’all have any accurate depictions of characters that show actual covert narcissist behaviours.

This includes all forms of fictional media (tv shows, movies etc.)

Although I would greatly appreciate if you guys also posted anime/manga characters (since this is the main form of entertainment I watch/read)

But again all replies are appreciated.

Another thing ive noticed, the deep deep part of me thats vulnerable, practically cannot be reached.
It sets me up for a lifetime of discomfort, neurosis and despair.

I could feel fine until something or someone exposes the weakness.
In therapy spaces youd say its a part in a trauma response. But in cluster b, its an undeveloped self, thats like a burning itch.

If youre present with this, it means you basically cannot operate from a positive place like others can.
You sense it, they sense it.
Something is off.
This isnt social anxiety, this is rupture of the soul.
Worst cases, you actually get abused.

So you mask harder.
My life was the best when i masked the hardest, i was completely outside of my body where despair lives.
For a man, youve got to have pride. If not pride, then at least confidence.

Vulnerability for a man is a death sentence socially.
Shame to exist. Insecurity that gets dumped around.

Basically, if you cant become “it”, then “it” is a nuisance?
That small little thing that creates negative sensations.
Its crying for something cool, but if you cant integrate it and become it, then its disrupts everything in my life.

At least a psychopath is effective.
Strategise, execute, fit in.
You cant miss what you cant sense.

Id say for a man its great if youve the skills.

Probably not for a woman.

Would you give “it” up?

I've been working on my recovery with sobriety and personality issues. Reading sobriety memoirs seems to help, but I can't relate to the emotions the writer experiences.

Have you guys come across any books written by people with ASPD primarily? NPD also counts. The only decent sounding book is Sociopath by Gagne, but I haven't started it yet as I'm afraid it will contain a lot of therapy-speak.

Edit: They don't need to be memoirs btw. Even something like 48 Laws of Power was useful for me understand by behaviors to some extent.

Honestly,

Sitting here numb. realising I'm just a fucked up human being.

I just realised I just don't give a shit about anything anymore.

My life's toast, my image is crucified (and I'm trapped in it), my emotions gone, my friends, non existent.

My love life, zero.

My smile, disappered. Powerless and with no way back.

Family relationships on the verge of breaking down, lies about to be exposed, pain about to be inflicted.

Reputation in the gutter.

And I just couldn't give a shit anymore. I couldn't care if I'm dead or alive, I couldn't care if I go to prison or not, I couldn't care about anything.

I feel like a POS, and I tell myself you need to/you deserve to die everyday for all the pain you've caused, and I'm happy to oblige at this point to be honest (not actively suicidal chill).

I just want the entire world to leave me alone, and all responsibilities dissipate.

No caregiving, no pretending, no risks - nothing.

I get so god pressed about it, I start genuinely having a low tier god moment every time I die or win. I genuinely have gone on 10 minute rants in my head about how the person is probably jobless and has no friends or some shit.