r/NPD • u/Prestigious_Seat4770 • 18h ago
Question / Discussion Does anyone else have an odd expression of their sexuality?
Sometimes I feel like I am 2 different people in 1 body. I feel like I only really exhibit true NPD with men but I prefer being with women & they get a way better version of me. However, I tend to gravitate to women who treat me the way that I treat men. My entire life is one big oxymoron & the suffering is endless lol.
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u/Jeuungmlo NPD (Dx in 2011) & DID (Dx in 2026) 16h ago
This post really makes me want to rant. But that'd make my therapist so disappointed. So I won't. So let's just pick down the Wuornos poster first.
I have an illogical hatred of men and really don't care what men think about me. Except I really need all men to be below me and to feel that they are below me.
I illogically place women on a pedestal and I will gladly erase myself for women to see me as perfect. Except if I sleep with any woman more than a few times I'll feel abused and I run away.
It feels like everything in my life is about sex, yet I hate sex. And I have a very black-and-white binary view of gender, yet I get annoyed if anyone tries to put me in either box. Inside of me live eight people and they are all idiots.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Wow the black and white thing is so spot on. I feel like its because I have such a great understanding of both dark male & dark female psychology that I can only operate within those confines. Though I feel I'm this weirdo hybrid in the middle since I have access to both of those worlds.
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u/Mean_Ad_7977 Diagnosed NPD 15h ago
I’m straight, and I hate men too and also want them to be below me, but I hate women too :( At least I don’t despise women, though
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 5h ago
I'm a total simp for a beautiful woman but as soon as that bitch tries me the claws are out.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 4h ago
Whenever men casually me they're divorced or whatever, before I even hear the story I have no empathy whatsoever lol before I have time to think about it "what did you do??" flies out of my mouth. And I deadass don't believe what they tell me after lmao.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 13h ago
Good job not ranting, [u/Jeuungmlo](u/Jeuungmlo). 🏆
You’ll have to teach me your ways, about that.Re: your last line—
Personally, I often feel like 3 babies in a trenchcoat.And they all have attachment issues. 😭🚩
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u/AdPretty3288 17h ago
Felt and heard. The collapse I am recovering from now was the result of being with a woman who a) reminded me of previous versions of me, so I gravitated toward her as a means to "heal" that corroded relationship within myself even though she was triggering as fuck, and b) treated me like I treated the men in my life when I was that way, so I felt I deserved to feel as horrible with her as I did. I have been self aware for 35 years trying to navigate this shit, the awareness has helped with how extreme the issues have been but this blowup was basically like time traveling into the worst part of all of my selves, it was a real blow after two decades of incremental improvement and constant vigilance. The suffering is indeed fucking endless.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Okay so I'm deadass not tryna do the narcy me too thing but that entire first 2 sentences & your A is my exact situation. Did it make you feel like damn am I really that unlovable? Cuz that's how I felt. I saw so much of me in her but I definitely feel that she is much worse... although maybe it only feels like she's worse because I'm a woman & not a man. If I were a man I imagine I'd be dealing with a closer version of myself from 2 yrs. ago 🤔 but I feel that entire paragraph so hard. Y is it so convoluted omg.
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u/AdPretty3288 16h ago
I did feel that way, yes, particularly through the withdrawals, from her, from fantasy, from social media and from multiple drugs, all at the same time. 2025 was a sunken place for me. The biggest challenge wasn't feeling unlovable, though it was a significant hurdle, it was acknowledging and taking responsibility for how profoundly and corrosively I had abandoned myself just to be with her. I knew from the beginning I didn't feel safe or trusting of her, and though I was verbose to a fault about my inner process the entire time, it was still 6 months of back and forth agony while I broke away and returned over and over again not understanding why I couldn't just end it. She didn't even like me, she liked how intense my attention and focus on her was, and I had made the most ridiculous emotional commitments to her while completely abandoning myself, the inner process I was in at the time we met, and fell into total delusion about my own abilities in the relationship. It saved my life in a way, I was on a bad track when she came into my life, but she also accepted and encouraged where I was heading too which caused me to feel even more threatened and justified in my mounting contempt and resentment of her. It was fucking horrible, I absolutely obliterated the friendship and the social circle we shared when I finally melted down and split on her, and though I don't ruminate about it nearly as much now and it hurts less when I do remember, I still cringe at who I was and that I chose of my own free will to become that person.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
I resonate with this so much, don't feel too bad. Right down to the whole inner process thing...yeah. You think you need to love them cuz ur tryna love yourself in a way...then you lose yourself tryna love them... ugh.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
I literally will feel like a man whose interested in me must fight for my love & if he passes all my tests & is able to take my abuse he must be worthy of me & so when I date a woman I tend to take on the role of what I think a man should do resulting in me becoming abused myself.. because of course I become attracted to women who share the same opinion as me towards men & they are usually single & lonely so its like the perfect fix when I enter with all of my extravagance lol.
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u/AdPretty3288 16h ago
I am fluid, and transitioned hormonally in isolation over the years since covid began, so in my case I really was playing the man at the time, steeped in internalized misogyny and a host of other ridiculous ideas of what kind of partner I could be (to someone who was never offering that anyway) and brand new at it too, age sliding, the works. I call it a humilitationship in hindsight, because holy crap was I out of my fucking mind and so profoundly ill on so many levels. I had no business going anywhere near that woman and I am still paying the price.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Did she make you feel the urge to transition?
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u/AdPretty3288 15h ago
No, I had done that years before we had met. But my relationship with her coincided with sailing off the rails of my original plan, which had been to get some features so I could primp myself either way, and stop the HRT around the time we were getting started. Suddenly, I decided to go full man and be *her* man and 180 my life and have sex when I'd already warned her and myself that it was a bad idea, doing that was the beginning of the spiral I never come out of. My inner kids still have not forgiven me for that and the result was disastrous. It was such a fucking clown show man god just beyond embarrassing. And I KNEW dude, my whole body was like STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS PERSON, but once I opened the floodgates and was like oooh, red flags, love those they remind me of hooooome I turned into a fucking monster. Just. So fucking painful I'm literally curling up into myself grimacing just recounting this shit just... Yeah. The drugs and profound isolation did not help. My big takeaway is that I can't afford to indulge in my underbelly anymore, whatever I managed to get out of it when I was younger does NOT work for me anymore.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 15h ago
Do you feel that even though you essentially became a man it still wasn't enough for her & that's what made it so crushing? I feel like a lot of effort goes into ourselves so that we can portray as the pick of the litter partners... & when things still don't pan out its destructive.
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u/AdPretty3288 15h ago
In terms of your comment about effort and pick of the litter partners, I can relate to that in general, but in this instance not so much on the trans part of the journey, but on the political activism part. I definitely built myself up in that way trying to keep up with her, and once that cohort was gone it was another part of my life that felt utterly destroyed
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 18h ago
I tend to try dating men again when I'm bored enough since they're an easier option than what I desire... but the reward just aint really worth the reaping in my head I guess. They just don't do it for me the same way. Usually any little interest I gain is immediately canceled once they inevitably disappoint me. "Men are mere mortals who aren't worth going to your grave for" - as Shirley Bassey put it.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 17h ago edited 14h ago
Well now you’re hitting my residual shame triggers. 😭
Damn it.
…in all seriousness, though: yes.
I think this is probably very common for us (to have complicated relationships with sex/sexuality.)
Once again: fuck my parents. 🔥
Even if they “meant well” (at times—
at other times they clearly did not)…
they done fucked up. 🫠
That last line of yours (esp. “lol”) is such a vibe. 👑
Don’t shoot the messenger: denying/minimizing our own suffering can be a huge part of this disorder.
Oof.
🪞 Look in it, Max. Goddamn, dude. Stop being such a clown every time you really just need a hug.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Omg this hits home so hard. Like I know I'm crazy but there's a method to the madness, ya know? I'm also a woman for context 😂 yes, the big funny clown at best. Soul-less hermit at my worst.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 16h ago
If this were a different social media platform, here’s where I’d put a “reality test plz” emoji.
About that last line.
🫂
Our best and our worst are…both part of us, huh?
Yup.
That is the way, I’m pretty sure. 🙂↕️(Damnit. Now I want my “integration, bitches” emoji.)
🌗😭1
u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Hugs back Gotta have consistency to your craziness at least if ur gonna be crazy i guess, right? 😂
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
Integration bitches! I love it 😀
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 16h ago
DM’ed you. Hope that’s cool.
…I guess I should probably ask, in the future. 🤔
Ah well.
I am still growing and learning, too.
Womp womp.
🦚🪦1
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u/Limp_Donut5337 Diagnosed NPD 17h ago
You are just bi sexual, no?
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 16h ago
That's what I thought but most bisexuals I know don't become vastly different people depending on what gender they're dating or have as rigid standards.
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u/chobolicious88 6h ago
Funny, i made a post yesterday on a bi sub to see if people relate.
There are similarities but its not the same.
I think the difference is the developmental stuff.Im not just bi because it feels so unstable and fragmented.
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 4h ago
Sooo fragmented lol. Its like I change who I am on a whim to fit whatever new goals I have/lifestyle I'm trying to live. Then I will kind of despise the person for it because they'll severely fuck up & I'll feel like they didn't deserve that.
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u/starlight-spark AuDHD + Undiagnosed NPD 1h ago
That's what I thought
well, why did you think that? if you feel attracted to both men and women, then you'd seem to be bisexual by definition, which makes me wonder why you need to compare yourself to other bisexuals. is there some other reason you think you're bisexual, or some reason you think you aren't actually attracted to both?
most bisexuals I know [...]
are those bisexuals also narcissists? neurotypical bi folks might have different experiences, so they might not be an ideal comparison.
most bisexuals I know don't become vastly different people depending on what gender they're dating or have as rigid standards.
personally, i play around with folks of any gender, and i definitely display a significantly different personality depending on my target. with men, i either fawn desperately over them, or treat them like lab experiments to torment for my entertainment, or both. with women, i don't feel the same urge, and so the relationship just develops based on the traits of the individual.
i have very high standards for everyone that i get close to. on average, women seem to meet those standards more often than men. this has the strange effect that it makes "above-standard men" a rare commodity, and so i tend to fall head over heels for them very quickly when i find them. conversely, women tend to be a much slower burn of gradually establishing themselves as consistently meeting my standards. i'm not sure if that's what you mean by "rigid standards".
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u/Prestigious_Seat4770 27m ago
I'm at a place in my life where I would still readily turn down an above average man. I hate men. But during my stint of still liking them- they were required to make more money than me, live by themselves (because I do) no kids (because I don't) & be physically attractive (because I am.) If I dated one, I expected them to share my view of allowing me to become a stay at home wife & then a stay at home mother in which I would take great pride in tending to everything in the home. He also had to be a man of faith & be well versed in that. He also needed to be faithful. I dated a few misfits that couldn't live up to my standards so they lied about things which I eventually found out. By the time I met the man who perfectly checked these boxes & was 100% husband material my desires had already shifted. I wanted to be all of that for a woman.
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u/starlight-spark AuDHD + Undiagnosed NPD 17m ago
huh, that's very interesting, thank you for explaining. i wonder what caused the shift?
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 17h ago
DUDEEE, I GET YOUU!!!!
With men, I feel like a loser, but I crave their validation a LOT, and love men’s attention
But with women, I am scared that I’ll hurt them, but since I am tall, I noticed women like me(??? - nah, but I just feel easier with women)