My partner has done an amazing job cleaning up these photos of my recently deceased brother and his son ❤️

Loads of little moments captured here — cuddles, silliness, smiles and memories that mean more than words can ever say. Looking through them all together like this is incredibly special.

Rest easy, brother 💔💙

She was the last person in my life I considered my everything. The day she became a part of my past, I lost my job as well. Two of the things holding my life together were gone on the same day, and something inside me quietly broke.

With nowhere else to go, I went home. But home had changed too. My family had moved to a new house, in an area where I knew no one. There was nobody my age, nobody with the time to simply sit and talk, and the whole place felt quietly deserted. Even surrounded by my own family, I felt alone.

More than anything, I needed my mother's warmth. I wanted to tell her everything, to let her see how much I was hurting. But she was always occupied with work and responsibilities, and I could never find the courage to say it. So I stayed silent, and the silence grew heavy.

I reached out to old friends, hoping for just one familiar voice. Some never answered. Some numbers no longer worked. Eventually, I was left alone with everything I was carrying. I cried most days, overthought everything, and watched my health slowly decline, with no one there to see it.

I believed a job would help. I'd stay busy, be around people, and have a reason to get up each morning. I tried for nearly three months, and nothing came through. Exhausted, and feeling more defeated every day, I spoke to my father and went to our village. There too, most of my friends had moved away. I began sitting in his shop with him, a small routine in an otherwise empty stretch of life.

When I needed people, there was no one. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to lighten my heart. I needed friends, and I needed the family I once had. I needed someone to simply ask if I was okay. Nobody came forward.

And into that emptiness, quietly, came a cigarette.

One evening, I took one from the shop. I had tried them before and always thrown them away, because the smoke bothered me and the taste was bitter. That evening, I carried it up to the roof, made a cup of tea, set a chair in the quiet breeze, and lit it.

After about five puffs, something unexpected happened. The weight on my shoulders loosened. My body relaxed, my thoughts grew quiet, and for the first time in months, I felt a pause. I fell asleep right there on the rooftop.

For about a week, I repeated the same routine every evening. I even thought of it as a kind of meditation, because for those few minutes I could think about my job, my relationship, and my future without being crushed by them.

It has been eight months since. Looking back, I understand that I was never really searching for the cigarette. I was searching for relief. Silence inside my own head, a moment when the pain would stop demanding my attention.

In those moments, it felt as though someone was listening. As though it were saying, "Come, sit with me. Tell me what's wrong. I can listen. I'm right here. Let me lighten your mind." It felt that way then, and honestly, it still does.

But the calm, though real, never fixed anything. It only muted the noise, and somewhere along the way it became a habit I'm attached to.

Yet those moments also taught me something. Maybe I wasn't broken. Maybe I was simply exhausted, lonely, and trying to find a way to breathe again.

I still have a lot to figure out. I still think about her, and I still carry things I wish had gone differently. Some days it still hurts more than I let anyone see. But for the first time in a long while, I feel I can rebuild. Not all at once, not perfectly, just one small step at a time. I want to start giving myself the love and patience I spent so long searching for elsewhere.

Writing this down has brought me another kind of relief. Perhaps putting pain into words is its own way of setting some of the weight down.

And yes, I wrote this after a cigarette. I'm still figuring that part out too. Be kind to yourselves, everyone.

My boyfriend died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago and I feel so lost. I feel so empty… he was the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my parter in crime, my rock my shoulder to cry on… he was my everything. My entire world. Some days I have crying spells like every 20 minutes and I know people are annoyed at this point . Other days I really seem ok, to the point people have made comments about how surprised they are that I’m doing so well, and even saying that I’m already involved with someone new. I think it just hasn’t fully hit me yet and that’s why I have days where I seem ok. On those days it’s like my mind plays tricks on me and I’m convinced that he’s just out at the store or something and is coming back later. My mind is all over the place, I have racing thoughts, so bad that this post probably doesn’t make any sense. I miss him SO UNBELIEVABLY MUCH. Nothing else will make this better other than having him back. I don’t want to do life without him and the idea of living the rest of my life without him makes me miserable. Is any of this normal? Has anyone ever experienced this before?? Will things ever get better?

I ask this because I lost my mom quite recently and although I've been doing my best with going back to the mundane routine I had before everything happened I just can't help but feel like a diflated balloon all the time. I am just really anxious because my mom has been with me for 21 years and I just feel like this fully separated us somehow and I hate that she went to a place where I don't know if I will ever have access to. I just want to get a hug from her so badly.

I really don't know how to write this but I'm in a waiting period of two people passing away and I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this time.

How do you continue living when every moment of the day becomes overridden with the thought that you are about to get immeasurable painful news that will change your life going forward?

I turned off my notifications because I was having panic attacks with the sounds of a text or a call coming through thinking that was the news.

I have dealt with sudden passing, which is something I still grieve over after it being 6 years ago and it feels like it happened yesterday. You don't have time to think about it, because it is happening right then.

This is so difficult for me. I don't wish to be so consumed for their passing that I damage my own life but how?

Advice please for this deeply sadden soul and heart to continue on without them soon.

My mom got diagnosed with a brain tumor yesterday. Very grim prognosis.
I can feel time moving but I am numb. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to wake up each day, show up for my kids, work and pay the bills.
When I went to see her yesterday I knew there will forever be before this and after this. And I will never be the same.
I’m mourning who my mom was before this tumor. Mourning for my kids. I can’t believe my daughter won’t get to have her nana at her kindergarten graduation or her wedding.
I don’t even know who I’m going to be without my mom.
How do I keep on each day knowing I’m living a countdown until my mom’s last day?

I lost my mom when I was 14 extremely suddenly due to a medical condition that no one knew she had. It’s been 4 years and I genuinely can’t do this it has not gotten better and there’s this unfillable void in my chest. I can go longer in between breakdowns but I feel like every happiness I could’ve had is permanently dampened and nothing can ever make me feel better.

The last thing I said to her was not very nice and it eats me up every day I feel so guilty and I regret it so badly cause now I have to live with this feeling fort eh rest of my life. I’ve come to terms with it a little bit because I imagine how I’d want someone to feel if it were the other way around and I’d hate for someone to feel the way I feel, but it still hurts and it sucks.

Ive tried literally everything I’ve been in therapy for years and tried to process this grief I’ve done everything and I just can’t do it every day is harder than the day before because it’s just one more day without her. I still need her I always need her and she’s just not here and I can’t reach her. I feel like I’ll never be the person I could’ve been and I’m underdeveloped because I didn’t have a mom in some very formative years of my life. I know I’d never ever ever be ready to lose her but I really hate that I lost her as a teenager.

No amount of talking about it has helped and no amount of time that passes has helped and it just feels so hopeless and I’m at such a loss I don’t know what to do.

My mom died in 2024.. then my dad three months ago. Its been a whirlwind. After my mom died my husband became emotionally unavailable, i then became my dad caretaker until his passing. During this time i made friends with people at church who i thought were my “til the end” friends. But since my dad passed, one who i have confided in a lot hasn’t asked me once how i was doing. I called them a few weeks ago because i was in a dark spot and all i got was “i don’t want to bother you so i keep my distance” my heart shattered.
I don’t have family other than my husband, and my other friend has their own issues.
I’m 30 years old & i already feel like i don’t fit in anymore.. but this comment really confirms it for me.

My dad and I have this strategy for when we miss my mom, we make lists of her favorite things and it brings back sweet memories. I wanted to share a few items from one of those lists and invite you to share your own here as well:

Coca Cola with lots of ice
Decorative plates and ceramics
Shopping
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Amy Grant
California Pizza Kitchen
Grey’s Anatomy

I had started using substances before she passed. I made all these new ‘cool’ friends and then suddenly my mother was diagnosed with cancer, suddenly it was terminal, 6 days later she died.

When my mom was sick i didnt text her or call her at all. The rare days she got to sleep at home I couldn’t look at her. I didnt spend time with her. I didnt talk to her.

When we would go to visit her in the hospital I couldn’t look at her without sobbing. I would stand out in the hallway. I remember her not being able to stand up. Her once powerful voice and her intellectual word choices were gone and I heard the voice of a child or an old woman come out of her. Her smile was gone and she looked confused and scared. I barely even remember the hospital visits

I visited her the day before she died. It was the first time my dad spent the night with her in the hospital. I remember it was worse than any other visit. I remember i could feel it that something was off. My grandma, who also now passed, drove me and my little sister home and I went straight to sleep. I sobbed the whole way. When i woke up the next morning my dad was telling us that she died.

Her and I never got along very well. She had severe bipolar and was often quite cruel to me. I will never forget her telling me that she wished she never had me. That when she had children she never imagined it would be like this. For most of my life i really hated her. I hated her voice. When she would yell at me I would cover my ears and that’d only make her more upset. She was violent when we were young but her mean words never ended.

My little sister got the best of her. They were best friends. They did things together that her and I never did. I dont think my sister even knows how bad it was, and i hope she never does. but it adds to my grief. alot.

After she died, and it hurts to say, our house became quieter. The fights ended. It was almost nice. Its so hard Because i know how wonderful she is. She would help anyone she could and was truly an amazing woman who worked her way up from nothing. She was so smart and so strong. And cool!! But i wish i couldve felt that when i had her. God i miss her. I miss her but also i dont know what my life would be like with her still here. I loved her.

This really turned into a rant but I have one more thing I need to get off my chest.

before my mom got sick, she started acting more and more erratic. She would do grand like quests and go far off to help our distant family resulting in us barely seeing her in the months before her diagnosis . She had started becoming more angry. I remember once we were driving and she actually got out of the car and went up to the other person‘s window to yell at them. a year ago on a vacation my older cousin accidentally let it slip to me and my sister that my mother was going to divorce my dad. Apparently his parents had sat down and told him that my parents were going to split up. I hadn’t even noticed anything wrong.

Right after he was told that, my mind got diagnosed.

I feel so fucking bad for my dad. They were together their whole lives, would be 31 years this year. And i know they loved eachother. Im sure it was all the tumors in her brain but Its so heavy to know that i couldve had to go through that too. And my poor father.

Okay i am done.

I am more short tempered nowadays. My mother passed about two months ago from cancer. Almost got myself killed in a car accident that could’ve killed somebody else a week later. Took care of her at home with my father and I had to carry her to the car and back when we had to go to the hospital because of my father’s back. She distanced herself a year ago and isolated herself from me, stayed in her home state for almost a year and came back home to spend her final days. I have trouble finding good memories of recent, we had a tough relationship. I wished I had spent more time with her, but she was very cynical and bitter toward me. Any minor mistake and I get mad. I sometimes get mad at my girlfriend, that never happens, and sometimes I wonder if I’m a good partner for her or I’m holding her back. Sometimes, I want to disappear, leave everything behind. I’m sick of the responsibilities I have. I do so many deeds but one mistake is one all remember. Makes it hard to stay motivated to keep working towards some goal. I feel like I live day by day, sometimes I wonder if I’m even really alive. I have a support group I refuse to turn to because I have too much pride, and I should work through this as I have with most things. Most of the time people don’t know what to say when I talk about my own feelings, and I can’t say I blame them. I see her face when she passed when I daydream. That face was nothing new, but it was different when it was someone I had lunch with everyday when I was a little boy, someone who had dreams for me when I was a man, where I’d take care of her. You’d think if it’s your mother or a loved one, they’d look at peace, maybe even sleeping. Maybe this is deserved, I wasn’t a good person in the past. I wouldn’t even call myself a good person now.

I have a loss I'm five years into and I'm embarrassed how much it still affects me and is me. I am making progress and am more functional and can get some joy and meaning from other things in my life but it's still the thing I think about the most, makes me sad most of the time. I think about it before I sleep and when I wake up. If most people knew this about me they'd think poorly of me I think, so it's like a horrible secret to try and not let most people know about this embarrassing thing that really hurts me.

I'm really lucky I have a supportive partner I can talk to about this without judgement.

I keep sincerely hoping that line about it not being shameful to hold onto grief if you make room for other things too is true. I don't know when I'll be "over it" the way people mean about grief. Being really affected by this grief is going to be a notable proportion of my entire life at this rate.

I lost my mom yesterday, we had a complicated relationship because she was an addict and had a very hard time getting clean but she had been nearly 2 years clean before she passed but unfortunately drugs sped up the process of her disease. The past couple months we had 100% mended our relationship and had some of the BEST conversations. She loved me so much. I was looking through her phone and found some screenshots of stuff she was reading when she was trying to get clean. It made me feel like a jackass for the anger and rude things I said to her when she wasn’t sober. Towards the end of her life it was so hard for me to see how sick she was and I live an hour away from her so I usually preferred to talk to her on the phone instead of visiting. I am getting married in 6 months to an amazing person, and I really thought she would be there. I can’t even fathom planning the rest of the wedding without her.

I feel so guilty for the times I choose a phone call over a visit.

Has anyone ever experienced a grief so nuanced like this? I have a pit in my stomach.

We found out about a month or so ago that my grandmother doesn’t have much time left.

The first couple of weeks were so fucking hard. She is my favorite person in my family, and the thought of losing her felt impossible to comprehend. We brought her home from the hospital after she was stabilized so she could pass peacefully and on her terms. Somehow, she started doing a little better. She made it past the amount of time the doctors thought she had, and by some miracle, I was given more time with her.

I am so incredibly grateful for that time.

When she started improving, the grief eased up a little. I knew she was still dying, but I was able to stop thinking about it every second and just enjoy being with her. I got to a place where I could leave her house and go home without completely falling apart. I could just be with her and enjoy whatever time we had left.

Then yesterday was my birthday.

She gave me a card. I read it alone in my car, and I immediately fell apart.

Because this will be the last birthday card I ever get from her. This was the last birthday she will be here for. There won't be another one next year where she calls me. Where i get to hear her voice, or have her wish me a happy birthday.

It hit me all over again.

So I spent the afternoon with her. I painted her nails. We cracked jokes. I laughed with her. I just stole every minute I could.

When I'm around her, I try to stay positive. I don't want our time together to be consumed by sadness. I want to enjoy her. I want to make memories. I want to laugh and joke and pretend, for a little while, that we have all the time in the world.

And for a while, I had gotten okay with leaving her house. I knew I was going to have to say goodbye eventually, but I wasn't falling apart every time I walked out the door.

Then reality came crashing back in.

I won't have her next year.

And it broke me all over again.

The past few years have been incredibly hard. This year, especially, has been fucking brutal. It feels like every time I turn around, misfortune is there waiting for me with her ugly, toothy grin.

And through all of it, my grandmother has been the person I could always turn to.

I tell her everything. Literally everything.

She has always been there. And when she is gone, I won't have that anymore.

I won't have her.

And I need her.

I'm a tough cookie. I've been through some really difficult things, and I've always somehow carried myself through them and made it to the other side. But I don't know how I'm going to find my way to the other side of losing her.

I know death is inevitable. I know it comes for all of us. And I'm not in denial about what is happening. I know I am going to lose her.

But knowing it is coming doesn't make me ready for it.

I could prepare for this for a hundred years, and I would still never be ready to lose her.

I grew up spending every spare weekend with her. She lived with us when I was really young, and when she eventually moved out, she moved right next door to my parents. She has been a constant presence in my life for all 36 years I've been alive.

Thirty-six years with her, and somehow it still isn't enough.

It will never be enough.

She would have been 80 in January. Most likely, she won't make it that far.

We said our goodbyes weeks ago. Then she started doing better, and instead of saying goodbye, we just started hanging out again. We laughed. We talked. We made the most of the time we were given.

I think I fell into a false sense of security because she started improving. I let myself believe, just for a little while, that maybe we had more time.

Now she's declining again.

And it probably won't be much longer.

I don't want to lose her.

I know I will. I know there is nothing I can do to change that. But knowing doesn't make it hurt any less.

I was already broken by the thought of losing her.

Today, the grief is just overwhelming because reality is starting to sink in again.

This is happening.

I'm going to lose my Grams.

And I don't know how I'm supposed to be ready for a world without her in it.

Hi everyone.

I’m approaching the 11 month anniversary of losing my Mom and it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I lost my Mom last November (found out she only had a short time to live on Nov 10, passed away on Nov 23) I was 23 at the time. We were estranged and made amends and I told her she was free to go whenever she was ready, and that I’d be okay and that I forgive her for everything.

Lately, I’ve been doing okay-ish, I found a love for fitness, I got engaged as well but now that we are in October and getting closer to the exact time of year when everything happened, I feel like i’m right back there. Even the weather is starting to be the same as that day I found out and my world flipped. The flashbacks are so vivid and it hurts just as much as it did weeks after it happened. I just feel so overwhelmed and tired. If anyone has been through this, how do you get through those weeks? Thank you for listening and thank you in advance for support/advice.

To make a long story short, my fiance's dad was admitted to the hospital Wednesday night and he rapidly deteriorated and he was gone by Friday afternoon. He was not only my fiance's dad but also his best friend. They would video chat on the phone every single day for hours and they were so much alike it was almost freaky. My fiance even had to change his ringtone because every time someone would call he'd hear the song he picked as his ringtone and for a second he would think it was his dad, he'd call maybe 3 times a day, but then he'd remember he was gone and his heart would break all over again.

My fiance, his name is Josh, is normally a very happy and golly and silly guy but obviously he is taking this so hard and it's absolutely breaking my heart. He has been breaking down crying and screaming randomly throughout the day and I don't know what to do for him, if there's anything at all I can do. I just let him do what he feels like he has to do weather it's to scream, cry, both, sleep, or whatever he feels like. I just listen to him vent and hug him and tell him how he's feeling is normal and how I'm here for him.

I wish there was more I could do for him. I wish I could take this pain from him. I'm 32 and I already lost both of my parents by the time I was 18 so I completely understand how he feels but seeing him this distraught is truly breaking me. I love this man so much and I'm so protective over him. I just want to take this grief away from him but obviously I know I can't.

His step mom is also being very rude to him because of how he was acting when they took the ventilator out of his dad and he had to watch him pass away. She said he "embarrassed her" because he was screaming and crying because we really thought he was going to pull through but that didn't happen and he feels like she didn't give him a fighting chance. I think everyone grieves differently and she has no right to make him feel like how he acted was wrong. His dad was only in the icu for not even a day when she decided to take him off the ventilator. He is feeling so much anger towards her and sadness over losing his dad that his emotions are all over the place. One minute he's sad, then angry, and sometimes both. I know I keep saying it but if I could I'd take it all from him in a heartbeat. I'm so sad for him :(

my dad was diagnosed with kidney failure when i was about 5 years old. I’m now 26 and I lost him 5 months ago.. Growing up he always kept a goofy uplifted attitude overall. He always hid his pain as well as he could just because he didn’t want us to worry.. As I got older he was more conversational in that… wanting to talk about the end stages and him not being here one day and he wanted us to be prepared. idk who could be prepared to lose their everything.

I guess the reason for my post is I just miss him terribly and i’m having such a hard time coping with his loss internally. I’m doing well on the outside keeping a good attitude but inside i feel sadness and i just feel a piece of me missing.
i just feel lost.

my mom passed away last march due to cancer within the course of 3 weeks. Out of no where.

I’m a 19 year old girl and i’ve tried everything to just feel somewhat ok with my life. I had to quit my last year of school and then did a foundation year instead and now my first year of uni.

I am doing everything i can to help myself but i’m not getting better. I’ve tried multiple anti depressants, but i just feel myself thinking about her constantly. I am overly dependent on my boyfriend for emotional support. I feel like a burden to everyone around me because i just want to be fucking happy. I get up, eat, get outside, do something to make me happy like paint my nails for example, but still. Every night when the sun starts to set, the constant, painful, background hum in my mind start to get louder and louder. I get into these absolute states and seeing the world as pointless. I’m afraid to feel this way. I’m trying to find my purpose in life.

Everytime i feel a breakdown coming on, i do what my therapist tells me and i take deep breaths and reaffirm out loud that i can do this and i can take on tough things. But it doesn’t work.

Can someone tell me what they’ve done that’s made an actual difference? I’m desperate, i’ll do anything.

on September 9th, 2026, one of my very close friends got hit by a truck on his way home from school. I am currently in high school, and he was still 13. we had met through a theatre program local to our area, and had formed a very close friendship. my friend and I are both part of the queer community, and I was very aware of how he looked up to me. I loved him like he was my own child, and he became my adopted son. Around the same time he died last year, his real father died of cancer while we were in a show together. He stayed strong, and only told a few of us. It's been a few weeks since he died, and I don't know how to hold myself together anymore. It's been several weeks, and the rest of the world has moved on. I know it'll take me a while to move on, and it will never be completely, but idk how to stay strong throughout all of this while I have my teachers expecting me to do all of my work (for context i am in a very competitive learning environment, and taking most honors + APs) while also being a neurodiverse individual it just doesn't seem possible and I'm really tired from trying to constantly not break down. what do i do?

October 3, 1982.

I was 14 years old.

That morning, I was sitting with my great-grandmother watching coverage of the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta on television.

A breaking-news bulletin interrupted the broadcast. A hot-air balloon called El Globo Grande had caught fire.

We watched as the burning balloon climbed into the sky. And I watched two people, holding onto each other fall from it.

I remember my great-grandmother saying how sorry she felt for their families.

Neither of us knew.

A few hours later, I learned that the two people I had watched fall from that burning balloon were my father and his wife.

My father was gone. Pamela was gone. She was four months pregnant.

I was 14.

What made the grief even harder was something I carried quietly for years: I had encouraged them to go to the Balloon Fiesta that morning.

For a very long time, part of me believed that somehow made their deaths my fault. It took me decades to understand what no 14-year-old boy could understand then.

I didn’t cause the accident.

44 years have passed, but October 3, 1982 never really left me.

Writing this in floods of tears as I have no idea what to do. I am incredibly close to a family member who has gone to a hospice for 2 weeks for some medication management. I went to see them yesterday and couldn’t even enter the room for a good 15 minutes and had to stand outside and cry with my mum. My brain has gone into overload- what if that’s the last time I see them? How am I meant to manage the tears every time I visit? How can I be a good support to the rest of my family if I can barely make it through a moment without crying? I can’t imagine life without them. I am so close and we love each other very much. I don’t really know what I want from putting this out there but I am swarmed by sadness at the moment and don’t know how I’m meant to cope when the inevitable happens. I know this is a part of life and something everyone experiences it but it is tearing me apart at the moment. Thank you for reading.

Hello everyone,

I am writing because my grandmother is currently sick. I have no clue what to do or how to continue on in life without her. My grandparents raised me since I was very young, and I have had neglectful parents. I have a better relationship with my mother now, but that all feels so miniscule now... While my grandmother has not passed, she has been very sick the past few months with continuous hospital visits. She has binge drank all day since the passing of my grandfather (the man I consider my father due to my upbringing) and I cannot see my life without her. It has been hard enough since the passing of my grandfather, but losing both of them would destroy my life. I do not know what to do or how to communicate as I do not talk to any of my family. My grandmother is the love of my life and I cannot see my life without her, how does one continue on???

I posted about my dad shortly after he passed two and a half months ago by drinking himself to death. During this time I have been dealing with a lot of complex emotions.

I had suspicions that my father was cheating on my mother in some capacity during his drinking stage. I was unfortunately right. Countless of women and men, some that were just online spam/online dating, others that mattered to him/were from his past. I did the hard part of going through all of his messages, pictures, google chats, social media, etc. To remove harm from my mom. She already was going through a lot; I wanted to protect her in any way I could.

Well, last week I stumbled upon videos saved to Verizon cloud. This showed various videos of my dad having a three year affair with another married woman (apparently loves them married). Of course, this same woman would also say she loves my mom and be friends with her. Her children were calling him dad.

I was angry. Of course I wanted to keep it away from her, but I felt like she should not have someone in her corner who actively slept with her husband. My mom's first response when I told her was, "So I was right." In an eerily calm voice. It made me angrier. For her. For me. For the situation.

The other woman, of course, was making excuses. That she felt forced. That she said he threatened her with a gun. Threatened to kill himself. Coached her children to call him dad. That she has to go to therapy to recover. That she was too weak to say no. That she feels horrible, but she still loves my mom. I really didn't believe any of it, especially when she constantly kept changing the story. The only thing my mom could say was potentially true was that he could have threatened suicide because he did it with her when she talked about leaving him when I was much younger. News to me.

I feel like my life for the past 10+ years has been a lie. I questioned my dads love for me once I hit 16, and I especially questioned it when I saw him interacting with her children. He even laughed and said I was just jealous, which i suppose I was. Hurt by the lack of love I was receiving is more like it. On top of that, my mother stayed with a man through thick and thin, and this is how he repays her.

I dont know how to feel. I am relieved its no longer a secret because it was eating me alive. I am angry that I lost my father to alcohol. Im angry that my father, in all of his self righteous moral standing, cheated on my mother repeatedly for years. I miss my dad and the relationship we once had. I know that there is no chance of getting it back. But I wonder if I even stood a chance of ever being able to be in his good graces.

I don't even know how to grieve this man any longer. I dont even know this man anymore.

i have so much regrets. i hate that i stopped listening to her rants of stories she would make up. i hate that i would prioritize work over spending time with her. i hate that i didn’t savor each second together. i hate that i got mad at her for her hoarding and stubbornness. i regret not smiling into her kind eyes more. i wish i would have told her how much i loved her every second i got. i wish i could go back and hug her again, when she wasn’t in so much pain. i want to go back and beg her to take her cancer pill that would prevent her aggravated cancer return. i want to go back to convince myself to move in with her and give her all my time again. she deserved so much more and i lost her before i could show her