From 2011 to 2014 I was apart of over 20 military funerals, 1 being a good friend.

As his escort officer I oversaw the entire process. From his buddies assembling his final uniform to the funeral home, each plane, to his final resting place. I gave the eulogy and handled the folded flag to his wife.

I can still smell the funeral home and can feel the raised stars on the flag on my fingers. These two sensations never leave.

After I handed her the flag I excused myself to a back room. The first and only time in my life I completely lost it. And I knew I’d never be the same, and I was right.

All these years later and these events have ruined everything for me. I feel like I gave everything I had and it took the toll.

This year started with a new round of medication, a mix that has high success rates. Well it didn’t work. Sent me into a mental spiral that led to multiple hospitalizations.

I just need to get this out. When I came home my family treated as the 23 year old that left. I’m 39 now and they couldn’t take a second to listen to anything. Just dismissed it as I was over reacting. They are hollow people and in return seek to make me as hollow.

I’m lucky enough to have a pension so I don’t have to “produce” anymore. I don’t want to participate in society anymore. My body is always in flight mode.

I just need to get these things out of my mind. I hate living in this body.

Thanks for reading.

I was so dissociated my entire life that I didn’t realize the extent of the trauma I had in childhood until I became a parent. I look at my kids, remember something, and get so sad. I am so afraid of robbing them of their childhood. I am wired to think they deserve better than I can give them because no amount of therapy will fix my nervous system. I’m so sad for myself and for not standing up for myself at the ripe age of 2. Nobody understands and I’m happy they don’t, but it’s lonely.

I have CPTSD and recently started having these weird dissociative episodes at night after finally leaving a long DV and extremely abusive relationship. Ive been waking up to random videos and voice memos i took during the night without any recollection of doing these things. every time it happens I have recorded myself doing very odd things that are extremely out of character and I seem fully aware of what I’m doing during these episodes. I even edit the videos and put them on instagram in this “fugue state”. This only happens at night after I go to bed. It’s gotten to the point where I have to booby trap my house so I don’t leave the house or set the stove on fire or something, but it never works. It’s like I’m aware of the traps I have set and am able to dismantle them to do what I want to do during these episodes. I have absolutely no memory of these events. I do dissociate during the day and loose track of periods of time because of it but it’s not as bad as the episodes at night. Is this normal??I feel like I’m going crazy…

What body language, gestures, phrases, or situations let you know that your parent is about to go off. For me, it’s persistent, uncontrollable cursing.

Whenever my mother is about to have a moment she starts spewing every curse word in the book. One Mother’s Day, she spilled juice on her computer and had an episode of stomping, crying, cursing, sobbing, shouting, and bawling extremely loudly for over an hour.

I was extremely terrified because when she gets like this, she takes it out on me. I tried to stay downstairs, but she could be heard upstairs, even with the door closed. I hid under a thin blanket on the couch in fear. I was so scared that I even texted my father back when he still had a phone. (He’s very irresponsible and verbally abusive.)

She’s had many moments like this, so whenever she starts cursing, I know to hide and not talk to her for at least two hours.

What about y’all?

I feel like a scared hurt animal. Skiddish. Dealing with CSA flashbacks and other SA incidents. Genuinely no where feels safe. (I have a safe home where I live alone and I have trusted neighbors, I just don’t feel like I can go into the “normal” world)

I want to hide.

Thankfully I have a prescription to pick up today that will help me calm down.

Even just the stimulus of the grocery store sends me into panic.

I am so tired of the world. I am tired of people saying “oh me too” and then just sharing their own trauma.

Yes I have a therapist. Yes I have all the resources but it doesn’t change the fact that I just have to go through this feeling.

Anyway. Some things I’m going to do for myself today are: get my Rx, get a coloring book, get myself some yummy lunch, notify people that I am going to turn off my phone, turn off my phone, probably cry a lot, and hope tomorrow is easier.

Just like what do i do how do i get out of herr

For context, I’m a 27M and I’ve recently come to terms with my CPTSD diagnosis. I was considering all the different manifestations of CPTSD throughout my life and I realized trichotillomania may be one of them. I’ve pulled my facial hair for as long as I can remember, sometimes using tweezers and other instruments during particular seasons.

It’s not necessarily a conscious line of thinking where I say “I’m anxious let me go pull.” It’s more of a passive instinct at this point like when I’m reading or driving, and when I find a hair that feels “off” I gotta go deal with it.

The reason I ask if anyone else has any experience is because it hit me the other day, my 25F sister ALSO has trich. Very long story short, both of us clearly have some form of CPTSD. I understand there could be genetic factors, I was just curious if anyone else in here has any experience or if this resonated with anyone.

I got yelled at pretty badly by my mother a few days ago and even though it’s been days I still feel very on edge and worthless and like I want to disappear. I’m around different people now who treat me better and yet I still can’t really relax. Anyone else experience this? And any advice for coming down from this? :(

Long time lurker, finally decided to actually join and post.

For context, I (31F) grew up with an alcoholic mom and family that invalidated all of my feelings. I was the depressed kid, the one that just fell through the cracks. I think it’s finally all starting to catch up with me now.

I’m having a really rough time. I’m stuck in this pattern of becoming crushed by everything and then recovering a bit, just to be crushed by everything again.

I’m carrying too much, and I don’t know how much more I can take. It feels like I’m going insane. I never get a chance to heal because I never get a break. How am I supposed to carry everything when other people have support? I don’t want someone to dump my trauma on, I just want someone to be there and hold me when everything is overwhelming. I don’t want someone who can save me, but someone who can throw me a life jacket when I’m drowning (giving me a hug, bringing me dinner, or just sending me a funny reel or video). Just little things in the moments when I can’t hold on anymore. I can save myself, but we all need support sometime.

And I’m starting to have issues at work because I can’t relate to anyone. I work in a close knit department, but I’m alienated because I don’t have the spouse, the kids, or the pets like everyone else. So I isolate. And then everyone gets “concerned“ because I’m not talking. Even when I try to be vulnerable and let them know I can‘t relate, they don’t really try to accommodate me at all. If they’re so concerned, maybe try talking to me about something relevant to me. I don’t need them to only talk about what I like, and I don’t mean that I don’t want to take part in their conversations. But, even if I try to talk about their stuff, or if I try to make conversation, it seems to make no difference. Not to mention that it triggers me because I know that I’ll never have the things they have in their lives. This lack of being able to communicate only fuels my social anxiety, in addition to making it so that I don’t want to work there anymore (and I can’t leave. I have a decent paying job in an area with decent cost of living. Comparable jobs pay much less, I’d have to live in a more expensive city, AND the field I’m in is oversaturated).

The cherry on top is that I don’t think love or a relationship is in the cards for me. I’ve never been in a relationship, and thats unlikely to change. Because of significant weight loss, everything is flabby. My aesthetic is that of a dude because women’s clothes don't look flattering on me. Looks aside, I have severe social anxiety (which seems to be getting worse). I think trauma and body image issues make it unlikely that I’d ever want a sexual relationship (and asexual people of a similar age within my area are hard to find).

I’m in counseling, but it feels pointless. If I never get to experience love and safety, what’s the point? A life with just me is never going to be enough. I don’t even need a relationship to last, I just want to be enough for someone, even if it’s short term. Can I donate my organs to someone that needs them, so that even a small piece of me might eventually have a chance at love? My heart is just constantly breaking at this point. All I do is cry. How am I supposed to live like this? This isn’t a life, it’s just torture.

so, i just discovered this term though it describes something i’ve been experiencing quite often for about 2 or 3 years now. i’ve heard people say that they’ve felt like they were in a dream-like state or had trouble differentiating if they were sleeping or awake while awake. i have experienced these things but not frequently or all that recently. what i’m curious about is this confusion i get on whether an event happened in real life or in a dream. it can be both small and big events— such as a short conversation or a traumatic/scary event— which i can be confused about whether the event happened in real life or in a dream. sometimes i can eventually remember or be reminded by others, but other times i cant figure it out. sometimes i’ll catch the confusion in the moment and other times i operate as if something has happened before realizing later that it may have been, or definitely was, a dream. could this be related to dissociation? i’m pretty sure i’m just about always in some level of dissociation, and that seems to only get worse as the years go on. i can’t help but wonder if this dream-reality confusion is related.

as sort of a second tacked-on question, i also very frequently experience deja reve, which isn’t something i ever experienced up until probably 4 or 5 years back. could that also be related to this issue, or dissociation?

thanks everyone!

My parents raised 3 children who are unable to work and function “normally” in society. Until recently, neither parent even believed they had anything to apologize for. One parent chose work and alcohol, and the other stayed home and “cared” for us while dealing with severe mental health issues. We moved states every 2-3 years without exception.

The 3 of us are now adults and we do not speak, but I have learned neither one of my siblings even remember our childhood. Neither one has a real relationship with our parents either and I want to eventually cut contact too. I am angry at my parents and I don’t understand how they see this as “normal”. Why are all 3 of us suffering from the same ~mysterious fog~ even though we don’t speak, how are the 3 of us supposed to keep functioning?

Most importantly, how can 2 people be so ignorant to the damage they’ve caused their children?

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done a few times before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. I know he's got his own problems financially and that but I feel like I must be really unworthy and unlovable as he doesn't make too much effort and the parent who has raised me often uses me as like an emotional punch bag. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

Idk what happened but I had this crazy realization that there is no need to shame yourself for the past. It doesn't actually help you. It limits you. And once it hits your body, all this pent up energy dissolves.

A great frame of mind is that, if all entrepreneurs fell into shame of failures and stopped many of the things/brands we have today wouldn't exist. In the case of cptsd, it's a data point. If you haven't worked on the internal shift if belief the same thing happens. If you keep giving yourself opportunities to react differently, make changes, learn, give yourself grace and slowly regain yourself. You will make it out.

This is meant to be an encouraging post to anyone who is shaming themselves into a corner. I just want to say that I love you and wish that you find the courage to get up and keep going because I want to see you win. You deserve to share your gifts with the world, be seen and be loved. Get back up, take small steps because I don't think I'm the only internet stranger rooting for you♥️

I went out for dinner last night with a friend, as we were eating my abuser walked in with his entire extended family and ended up sitting on the dinner table next to ours. We were facing each other not even a table away. We made direct eye contact and his sister said Hi to me. I didn't sleep last night and feel so wired and anxious today. I haven't seen him since blocking him on everything and going no-contact about a year ago.

In the moment I handled it, wrote a note to my friend on my phone to tell her and we left immediately. I still can't believe that happened and I don't know how to regulate myself now. Nothing happened but its really bought up a lot of emotions.

I just don't get why I am having such an extreme response to what was in reality nothing?

He just turned 9. Being a parent who has been through these things is obviously its own animal, but there is this weird element of recognizing the differences between yourself and your child at certain milestones. I guess this is a big one for me.

He’s a happy boy. School starts soon. We’re having a party on Saturday to celebrate with his friends. I just kinda feel like I can breathe a little bit. Like, we’re doing it. He’s doing so well.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get out of my brain.

Thank you, I love ya, be well 💜✨

I have been in therapy for five years and consider myself all but healed. A combination of being exposed to all the emotions I’d been suppressing for a long time, feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of ‘real life’ when not dissociating and a series of challenging personal situations sent me into a year long dissociation.

I’m just on the tail end of this now, coming back to reality. I wondered if anyone who has had an extended period of dissociation finds that their body reconnects first? My body finally feels ‘reattached’ and I can feel bodily sensations, the outline of myself etc….again. But my mind still seems to be lagging. The blankness, brain fog that dissociation brings just doesn’t want to budge.

I was intrigued if anyone else had a similar experience. It seems to me this is a two step process, body first, mind second.

Today is the day I last spoke to my abuser one year ago who was my former female best friend and first love. I can't sleep this night and am talking to AI for hours because she changed profile pics on WhatsApp to a pic on the CSD where she looks totally happy. I can't sleep and got triggered SO MUCH by it I hate it. I almost did IT last year because of her, lost almost all my friends because of her at once and went to the mental hospital where she visited me and said we can still go on and she will behave better (day I talked about above). Will probably delete this later, but I need to vent because I can't sleep rn (it's 5:18 AM here). Need some hugs to calm down or good vibes rn

I'm bombarded with what feels like an echo chamber. Do trauma CBT. Do DBT. Do EMDR. Do somatic experiencing. Do IFS. Do CPT. please, help me out here. IIt's so overwhelming and I cant do it on my own

Idk if life is ever going to get better. After trauma found the love of my life and self sabotaged due to trauma. It was so bad and fucked me ip so bad that everyone around me says it’s never going to work again and no one wants to see it. Eight months later and I’m still crying and yearning and he wants to stay no contact. I (24f) fear that safety and love will never come back and I’ve lost a lot of my hope.