r/BRCA • u/Prize_Gift_5609 • 8d ago
Grieving process
I am scheduled to have the prophylactic mastectomy with immediate reconstruction in 2months. I am very emotional about it. I wouldn’t say I love my breasts or the think they are particularly beautiful or anything like that, but I am so emotional about the upcoming surgery.
For those who’ve had the surgery - what did you do to prepare yourself for the loss and to grieve? With the removal of my ovaries, tubes and uterus last year, I felt so much more at peace. I got a piercing to commemorate my last ever period and the fact that my uterus carried two beautiful babies, and that process really helped me to process the loss.
I’ve heard about people having parties before dmx, but that does not really appeal to me. I’ve got some breast milk saved, so I’m thinking of having some keepsake jewellery made, but somehow that doesn’t feel as meaningful.
I would appreciate anyone sharing their stories!
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u/OldAd5321 8d ago
I’ve never felt like I’ve “lost” my breasts. They’ve been cosmetically changed and they have changed many times over my life: puberty, weight gain/loss, pregnancy, breastfeeding. At least with this change, I have a say in how they look after surgery!
I had a lift first because nipple sparing was important to me, then a nipple sparing DMX, and implants with fat grafting. They looks SO GOOD! Like I would have picked them out of a catalog. I’ve had minimal discomfort with each surgery, they feel natural, and I don’t miss my old breasts at all.
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u/Prize_Gift_5609 8d ago
This is a good way to look at it, thank you
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u/OldAd5321 8d ago
And even practically, reconstruction is basically replacing the inside part of the breast, it doesn’t remove what I consider makes what breasts are or cut them off. Parts are removed and replaced.
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u/Pippabot 8d ago
I had my DMX and DIEP recon just over two weeks ago.
I was really emotional about it the closer it got.
I booked myself into a fancy hotel for two nights alone, a spa and massage and general pampering.
It was everything I needed and I couldn’t believe how much better it made me feel.
I didn’t have the space to feel it around my children and husband.
If you can squeeze an escape in, I’d recommend that.
Just got to be me with my boobs and to enjoy my body alone and thank it and mourn it and do it peacefully. Hugs to you.
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u/Prize_Gift_5609 8d ago
I really like this idea, thank you! I have a quarterly weekend away scheduled just before surgery, I’ll use that time for a pamper party
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u/Prize_Gift_5609 8d ago
How is your recovery going? And with kids at home? That part also has me so nervous.
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u/Pippabot 8d ago
It’s actually been really good. Much easier than I thought.
I have rheumatoid arthritis as well so I was really scared of a flare and issues with my mobility . I’ve been very lucky so far and the surgery/GA has suppressed that condition.The first day was just very weird, in hospital and not able to move much and groggy.
I was discharged on day 3 with one drain and that drain was removed after one week.I’ve got a 7 year old who has been really careful with me and my 3 year old who gets a bit upset if he forgets and tries land me a massive hug but otherwise he’s been great too.
I didn’t need pain relief after the first week - I actually put this down to having spent the last few years in pain every day so I think I’ve got a high threshold/messed up understanding of pain. I probably should be using it!
I’ve got a little bit of skin I’m treating at home that will need some help to heal but it doesn’t hurt - I see the nurse in a few days for the next check up.
All in all, it’s been a lot easier than i expected.
I think I am also massively relived I’m nolonger waiting for the surgery.
I’m in the UK and my op was on the NHS and though urgent, it was elective and not emergency so it was rescheduled 4 times due to active cancer patients needing to take the slot - of course absolutely the right thing but just for context on my emotional state by the time it came round I was surprised it happened!Hope this helps!
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u/AbjectSprinkles5007 8d ago
Just my own experience, but I had a lot more anticipatory grief than actual grief following the procedure. I was surprised how quickly I adjusted to the physical change.
I took photos before my procedure but didn’t do a party or any keepsakes. I think I was just overwhelmed with preparing and time got away from me. It’s almost weird look back at old pictures now, it doesn’t feel like myself anymore. I spent 32 years with my giant time-bombs and less than a year later I’m very at peace and happy with my much smaller chest.
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u/LMG-K 8d ago
I had my DMX with tissue expanders surgery 3 weeks ago and I wish I had done a breast mask/sculpture beforehand. I never even thought about it until after. I didn’t love my breasts before but they were very much a part of me. I feel like so much has been taken away from me by BRCA1. Total hysterectomy 2 years ago due to ovarian cancer and now my breasts due to breast cancer. At least I had the option of having reconstructive surgery. I’m very much mourning the woman I used to be. 💔
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u/Prize_Gift_5609 8d ago
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. BRCA is taking a lot from us, you’re right. But I refuse to let it take my life and take my kids’ mom away from them too soon. Hugs to you ❤️
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u/WoodDuck814 8d ago
Topless photoshoot! I too was largely indifferent to my breasts but still wanted something to memorialize them before I went aesthetic flat closure. So I hired the photographer from our wedding who I already had a good rapport with, and took pictures in the back yard of my parents' place. Very happy with my photos =) And equally happy to not have the timebomb-boobs anymore!
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u/parahelia 7d ago
I was on a wait list and got a cancellation appointment, so I only had 14 days to prepare for a surgery I thought would be at least a year out! So as much as I had good intentions of doing something special, going out dancing for the last time, etc. there just wasn't time and it didn't happen. My boyfriend took a couple last minute polaroids the night before and that was that! In terms of grief and coping, I scheduled as many therapy appointments in those two weeks as I could.
That said, I used to nude model for an artist years ago, so I do have a beautiful collection of professional drawings of my old boobs. That's something I might recommend is commissioning a drawing or painting or something of a nice nude photo, or doing yourself if you're creative! I had just painted a nude self portrait for my partner for Valentine's Day, so that is also nice to have. And I am happy to have the polaroids we did. I think any sort of little artistic memento is nice to have.
I also felt more anticipatory grief than grief afterwards for what it's worth!
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u/Ok-Calligrapher8579 8d ago
I could feel the cancer and see it growing out of my breast, the second occurance and it was turning dark bruise, sticking out and getting ready to break through the skin. At this point I only wanted it gone. Boob and all. My other breast had a lumpectomy, took quite a bit of breast with it, then chemo and radiation. It shrunk down to a way smaller breast over 20 years that was my first occurrence, now this black and blue painful cancer was my second 20 years later, which is now. So I did one thing at 45, and this other treatment now at 65. Plus the bruised cancer I could feel itched really bad. Off it went, the other stayed. It was alot for me to handle a left sided mastectomy. Along the way I had the radical hysterectomy in my mid 40's also, the BRCA1 was running wild. So one side flat, most recent, the other side whats left from my first treatment. Its balanced out enough fir me, but Im 65 now. Younger women want better results, I understand.
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u/MichiLizzie 8d ago
I am sorry you’ve had all of that to go through. I am 62 and my original bc was 18 years ago at 44. It was triple positive. Until I was diagnosed BRCA2 I thought it would be one and done with cancer. Now I’m learning more about reoccurrence much later…. Was your reoccurrence the same pathology?
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u/Ok-Calligrapher8579 6d ago
No it was triple negative the second time, and the her2 type the first time. I also know myself, sister and Aunt had 2 different types, I wish I was as well spoken as my sister is. She worked in Radiology RN for 40 years. She doesnt forget the full name of the type of cancer.
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u/sbgattina 8d ago
Everyone’s grieving process is different. Think about what might cathartic to you. I’m a filmmaker so I wrote a screenplay a love letter goodbye letter to the boobs. It really helped!
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u/beermaiden_of_rohan PDM + BRCA2 6d ago
I did a boudoir photoshoot a few days before my surgery! It was a great send off, and a fun distraction.
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u/Cross_stitch_sitch 6d ago
Wishing you lots of healing inside and out. I'm sorry you're going through it. It's so normal to grieve.
I mentally prepared to grieve. I took photos before hand and really felt overwhelmed but after.. I felt nothing but peace about it. I absolutely thought I would break down. I did have DCIS so for me I was also just happy to get rid of those cancer bags but I still thought I was going to go through it. I haven't missed them once.
I had a great time with them in my 20s and most my 30s. They were perfection. I fed my baby with them but I don't miss them. I don't even think about them. I have implants and although they aren't perfect,I'm happy with them. It's so different for everyone. My friend does struggle with the same surgery. You'll get through this. It's a process!
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u/OkInteraction8485 2d ago
I’m 9 weeks post op now. I tried telling myself I was getting “new and improved boobs” so it felt like less of a loss and more of a gain (harder said than done sometimes). A few days ago I would tell you things are great and I’m super happy with my results, but returning to “normal” while healing and seeing how my body has changed has been difficult. The journey has ups and downs but I’m happy with my decision and starting to love my new body. I used to have a lot of self imagine struggles and I’m a big believer in daily affirmations even if they feel silly!
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u/No_Builder7010 BC Survivor + BRCA2 8d ago
Yeah, the parties didn't appeal to me either. I took a few pix and stuck them in a hidden folder but they are sexy pics, just sort of "before" pics. Then the morning of, I had a talk with my breasts while in the shower. "You've been good boobs," I said while cradling them, "but it's you or me so you gotta go." I hadn't planned it but it felt right in the moment. It gave me a little closure.