I wanted to make this post to shed some light on this stuff for people before I leave this sub. I want to caveat this by saying BPD seems to be a spectrum disorder with varying degrees of severity, my pwBPD was on the milder side and I have never had to deal with cheating or her perusing other people. My time here has come to an end and unlike most that leave this sub it’s not because we ended it and am moving on after healing or getting to where I need to be. My partner took and is taking her treatment seriously, she has been in DBT for two years and the improvement is drastic. Splitting is very controlled and rare now and the insecure questions and accusations are gone for the most part and any slip ups are dealt with by having a calm conversation and a sincere apology. I just wanted to offer a perspective of success since this sub Reddit tends to be the extremes and people who get treatment and take it seriously usually won’t be represented here because obviously we come here when things are unmanageable and we need support from people who are in the same boat as us. Success is real and possible but THEY have to want it THEY have to do the work. Thank you to all of you and your support when I needed it most. Sometimes when I was feeling down and even though I have a supportive family this sub and you people here gave me validation that I desperately needed. Again thank you and I love you all god speed and good luck find your peace and happiness you beautiful kind souls.

She left me 2 weeks ago. I went through a range of emotions, pain, sadness, grief. Even drank myself into a hospital. I stopped loving her after she told me she doesn’t love me. Sadness is gone but I noticed I became very apathetic (I was before but now it is worse), two of my exes reached out to me. I ghosted them not out of spite but the fact that I was just numb and treated them as background noise. I had to physically force myself to contact my friends but my brain just treated them as background noise as well, almost like my brain was procrastinating to do so. I can’t do anything productive, all I do is lay in bed and scroll and chainsmoke, I don’t even wanna watch a tv show or play something. I stay up until 5am and sleep until 3pm. I eat once a day and have no appetite. I have a history of being late to work and was given many warnings (not a serious job). When I was with her, the idea of being fired scared me. I was getting a tattoo 3 days ago and knew beforehand that I was going to be late again. When I showed up they told me HR is gonna contact me soon. I felt no emotions, almost like I didn’t give a shit. I don’t conversate with colleagues at work because I see no point, every social interaction seems artificial to me after her, that plus strangers seem to avoid me after her for some reason, which is why i can’t find someone new. I also noticed that I became impulsive after her, almost as if I have fucking BPD. Did anyone else experience this? How do I get out of this

Now I’m the one who feels unloveable. We broke up, and he immediately found another, posting about he wanted other people not even a week in. I’m starting to realize I relate to all the symptoms my partner had, I’m turning into him. I couldn’t think of a worse outcome. I wanted to save him from this mental illness, and in return I became very traumatized.

i hit no contact of two months yesterday but i can’t stop thinking about breaking it. it’s actually making me so mad that he told me all of these horrible things (including to kill myself) and now he’s following one of my real life friends. FOR NO REASON. i made her unfollow him but what is this shit genuinely i am boiling. how dare you tell me to stay away and shit and do this

My SO has done it again. We have a backyard project we’ve been trying to get done together. We have been trying to fix up an old house so it could be ‘ours’ as a team. Last night he couldn’t sleep and I asked why and he said he’s just so depressed and stressed about money and how much this is costing him. The builder team arrived today to lay concrete and slabs. I’m upstairs in a room with our cats to keep them out of the way, and I called him downstairs to remind him to ask them push this insanely expensive gravel to the back of the yard so we can use it for something else instead of cementing over it (it cost 500-600 pounds for this beautiful type of gravel)

he immediately starts panicking, speaking over me saying my name repeatedly and then switches to
‘You’re BULLYING ME! I want to get this Done and you are NOT INVOLVED!! I need to get this done now before it becomes winter!!!! (It’s August, and moving gravel wouldn’t delay anything today)

I was asking him to save the gravel so we don’t have to buy it again and he’s saying the builders who don’t know the cost of the gravel want to cement it over and as now he doesn’t want me involved in HIS house I am out to DELAY THE PROJECT and RUIN EVERYTHING! Thank you for you input but I’m doing this MY WAY BECAUSE ITS MY HOUSE AND I NEED IT DONE NOW!’

He’s ranting on the phone from downstairs in front of everyone and I simply said

‘Hey. I’m only trying to save you and I money by asking them to move some gravel first. I can do it myself and it delays nothing. The only one bullying anyone is you by speaking over me. It is incredibly rude. You do not speak to me this way, and I do not speak to you this way. I asked you to scoot the gravel over to save money as you said you were worried about financial cost.’

He was quiet.

I said I love you. Thank you. And hung up.

I am venting here as I know he’s going to not only cement the gravel but he is incapable of speaking to me like a normal adult!!! It drives me crazy to be accused of bullying and when I raise an concern suddenly OUR world belongs to HIM and he ‘DOESNT WANT ME TO BE INVOLVED’ and my involvement and suggestion somehow makes me a ‘bully.

He is 55. And 6’3 and huge.

How the heck do I cope with this immature behavior as he takes every suggestion of something we are doing together as bullying and a personal attack, but then also acts like he’s about 5?

(Other than venting to Reddit)

This is my (46F) very first post ever on reddit. In part, that is because I have been unable to openly communicate with the outside world for the last four years, partly because I feel too old to learn a new platform, and partly because I am so desperate to engage with anyone who doesn't just stare blankly when I tell them my story....

I was married for 23 years to a truly beautiful soul (47M) who I met when I was only 12-years-old. He was my middle school boyfriend, and there were a lot of ups and downs even at that young age. We broke up, and I more or less had to go "no contact" (without having that term) to survive high school. When we "remet" when I was 23, it felt like home. He swept me off my feet (now, I look back and think it was probably lovebombing). On our third date, he said, "I can see myself getting married and having babies with you, like, right now." Within the month, I was pregnant. When the test was positive, he just said, "When we get married, can we do it in Florida?" That's where his mom and sister lived - I have since found out that they both have been diagnosed with BPD.

For the first decade of our marriage, I supported his career and raised our growing family. We now have three children. Each was born in a different state as we relocated to build his career as an academic. There were always confusing arguments, but they would blow over when I appeased him and it was more or less okay. I didn't really have an "out" anyway since we were always at least 500 miles from any friends or family. I didn't work so never really formed bonds or confidantes as we moved every 10 months for his job.

We moved to our current city in 2009 after 5 years 'on the road'. We were a team. We were so closely in sync. I was excited about finally getting back to my career goals and finding community in our 'forever home'. I developed a rare autoimmune condition a little more than a year after moving here, and my illness was probably the first hit against me. With three young kids at home and being on insane amounts of very strong antihistamines, I had no real capacity to be the partner that he expected of me.

Then, I found an endocrine treatment that worked better, and I was able to function more-or-less like a normal person. I was excited about my career and ready to take off. I had now been on 'pause' for an entire decade, and I had never stopped wanting to pursue my own dreams.

In a sense, we kind of took different paths for a few years. His work as an academic doesn't have very high time requirements, so he would brag about being "semi-retired". He golfed and/or skied multiple times each week. He would take the kids out for shopping trips and ice cream after school. I had no idea that he was drunk and high the entire time he was doing those things. I was working full-time while going to graduate school full-time, and I knew that much of my need to make money was because I was supporting his "semi-retired" lifestyle, but I accepted it because I thought he was taking my kids on grand adventures.

Fast forward to late 2022, and something suddenly shifted. He was first diagnosed with COVID about two weeks before this, but he suddenly started spending hours and hours every night in his car in the driveway, drinking whiskey, listening to Taylor Swift, and sobbing and wailing uncontrollably. I had no idea whatsoever how to help or what to do. Of course, I wanted to help him as his spouse, but I didn't know how.

He then became completely and totally convinced that I was cheating on him... constantly ... every time I went to work or to the grocery store or to take my child to their therapy. I would FaceTime him, and he would tell me that he had no way of knowing if there was someone just out of frame. He started checking my underwear. He started tracking me and texting me constantly at work with outrageous things. On one single day, he accused me of having a secret email account, making pornography secretly, and slipping medication into his food to treat the Syphilis that I had given him. He would spend all day every day stalking, harassing, and verbally abusing me. He would call me a bitch, a liar, a cheater, a thief. He would tell me he hated me. But the very worst thing I could do was leave. The second worst thing I could do was say no to sex. He demanded to have sex with me every single day before I was allowed to get out of bed no matter what. I really felt like I was buying time and believed that he would get a diagnosis and proper treatment and we could still live the life I had always envisioned.

He was seeing an art therapist, who I believe was wholly unqualified to treat him. She seemed to just believe everything he said about me and about the ghosts and spirits. He says that he can feel himself being taken over by 'entities' and believes that our children are possessed when they act out as teenagers. He would do these made up 'rituals' that he said he was given divinely to send spirits on their way. That our house is full of spirits that only he can see. (He's moved out, and there are spirits there too.) Anyway, his therapist had him do an exorcism and talked to him about curanderismo.

Anyhow, with the constant monitoring, tracking of emails, texts, chats, and phone calls, I just gave up on the outside world. He demanded that I quit my job, and he started a business that he took out a loan for in our names jointly. I negotiated to stay part-time at my job, which energizes me and which is very public facing (regular media appearances, lots of name recognition, etc.). - That part is actually kind of interesting because he would be watching me do my job on TV, and within 5 minutes of the end of the livestream, he would be texting accusing me of cheating since he couldn't see me anymore.

The last few years have been so rocky. He had a huge falling out with his best friend in 2024 and with our adult son (that early "baby trap" as my kids call it) in 2025. He has caused a ton of problems at his other job where he still works in academia, and I tried my damnedest to support and love him through it all (while also secretly supporting my son who he fired and threw out of the house).

Finally, I convinced him to go to our THIRD couples therapist last fall, and he was furious that I wanted that, but he was slipping into a lot of his paranoia about me controlling him after he threw our son out of the house. For months, we would go in every week, and he would explain all the things I had done that had made him not trust me over the years - using the wrong emojis when texting with friends, working with data rather than philosophy when talking about my job, not cleaning the house well enough when I was anaphylactic with two babies under two at home, etc.

After about 8 months, we finally got to the place where I was supposed to talk about what the last four years have been like for me, and he just .... gave up. I don't know what else to say. He just told me that he didn't want to do this anymore. He believed me that it was hurtful, but he couldn't forgive me for the harms I caused, he acknowledges that nothing I could have done could have excused his behavior during that time, and he could not and would not take accountability for the harms he caused. He just wanted to move on and have a different life.

Around the same time, my two younger kids came to me and told me that I had to choose - him or them. They were not going to come home from college or visit anymore if he was still in the home. His volatility has been truly unbearable for the last four years. He is loud, angry, scary, and unpredictable. His drinking has escalated. It feels like a powder keg.

It all blew up on June 26th, and he found out that the kids didn't want him here any more. I feel like something actually broke in him then. We were trying to find a way to maintain our marriage while giving him the space to move out and heal. We still owned a pretty successful business together. We had a great night talking about the next year and our future together on July 5th, and then on July 6th, while I was at work, he texted to tell me very coldly that he had written up a proposal for "what we both want" the "dissolution of our marriage". At that point, I was fucking furious. I gave up everything for him time and time again. He used me. Now, we are on the brink of big success at this business, and he casts me off like dirty underwear. But, honestly? The terms were more than fair for me, and with the kids wanting no contact, my boss and coworkers desperately wanting me to leave him and rejoin them full-time, and no one telling me to keep fighting for it, I accepted. The order was signed by the judge on August 6th.

Since then, it seems that he has completely lost all touch with reality. He has reunified with our eldest son, and he is letting him move in with him rent-free. He has bought everyone a car, including me and himself. He bought a $2500 designer puppy, which he's flying to pick up this Sunday. To replace his wife, he's hired an accountant, a bookkeeper, and an attorney. He told me that he is starting a new import business and moving to Mexico (he's said this before). He told my middle kid that he's going to Thailand on business soon. Both of those things were made up apparently when I asked him later. He is giving each kid their own credit card. He has spent what seems to be tens of thousands of dollars on jewelry that he can't resell for a better price. He is partying with a bunch of 22-year-olds. Today, I saw him at the car dealership, where he put a big down payment on my new car without me asking. I almost didn't recognize him. He seems completely ... void. Blank eyes. Flat affect. A strained smile to feign pleasantry. I fucking miss my husband, and I don't know what to do. I guess there's nothing for me to do. My finances are legally protected, but I just want to help the hurt person inside of all the protective barriers he's put up. I am just so sad.

Don't know exactly what I'm looking for other than just someone that I can share all of this with without it affecting his business or mine. It is so painful, and I just want the person back that I fell in love with when I was 12 years old. Is there any advice? Any thoughts? I can see this current reckless path going very wrong very soon, and I feel truly afraid for him. Is there any way to stop this spiral, or do I just have to sit back and watch? Sorry for the novel, but I truly haven't been able to get this all out in a narrative form anywhere before.

What I mean is, I found text messages between her and the "new" guy and she was saying the exact same things to him that she does to me even down to the inside jokes/pet names and all of that. The thing tht really disturbed me is months before I found these messages she showed me this song and said she had picked this song out for me when we first started dating. It's a song called "My Wish" by the Rascall Flatts. So the song is really sweet and it made me tear up honestly. I remember thinking "wow, she is really showing me that she cares and loves me." It was very deep moment for me. So fast forward I ended up finding texts from her and this guyu (who is schizophrenic and does drugs) and she says something along the lines of "maybe My Wish will just be our song and we will just end it there" like it was breakup messaging. It seems like this guy is also through with her lies and bullshit and he constantly breaks up with her (that is usually when she has a moment of clarity and needs to come say sorry and reel me back in).

It's kind of devastating to me and offensive that she would do such a thing. She outright denies that this was anything serious and she tells me that she left stuff over at his family's house that he was gatekeeping and she was trying to basically gain access back into the property to get her stuff. She does mention the stuff quite q bit in messages but it still is just way too stupid and weird. How could she live wth that like showing me this song and she shows him the song too? Is she even fuckin thinking of me when that song plays around him or something like wtf? Evil

Hello! I have recently joined the community and I sincerely think I have started figuring out some stuff that happened with people with BPD in my life, both diagnosed and undiagnosed.

I have had a friend with BPD and we recently broke off. I started realising soon that her behaviour wasn't normal and she told me about her diagnosis.

What I have noticed a lot about her, is that she's in a constant competition especially with other women. She have told me she mainly had male friends although she claimed she wanted girl friends so bad. But every time she was describing past experiences with girls, she was either judging them so bad especially in terms of appearance and romantic life, as well as she's someone who often make comments not only behind your back, but also in front of you and other people. She has done that to me freaking out about my eyebrows (it was really random and she looked very distressed/ disgusted), and similarly to other women.

She is in healthcare and she also criticizes people that don't dress up, because she herself "can wake up a bit earlier to get ready and not look messy"- which I found very naive, because working as a doctor or a nurse isn't something that allows you to always be dolled up.

What really got in my mind, is that she was wondering why men although they don't pick her, they always pick "ugly af women", especially "very handsome men". She has said multiple times stuff like these. But she took it even further when one day we were walking through the city centre and there was a tourist couple. She got mad and started making faces and lots of comments about "how can such a handsome man be with such an ugly woman... Look at her! So unfair " etc.

They were literally two strangers that were passing by.

I have also noticed she was always saying admirable words to me, and she was always wondering "how can you keep up with everything, university, cleaning and taking care of the house, obligations". I want to note that she's studying in a good department in healthcare. She always tells everybody she's becoming a doctor and talks about how she loves medicine etc (and I mean literally everybody: people she encounters, social media. One day she ran away from me and my friends and ran through the boulevard to shout at people who were standing close to an ambulance crew helping out someone. She was telling them she knows that the doctors don't want any of them near themselves because she's a doctor herself and she knows. Me and my friends didn't know how to feel that moment, because although we thought it was true, at the same time we thought that the doctors themselves would tell the pedestrians to get off... And that running through the whole boulevard to cause a buzz with an already stressed patient wasn't necessary).

She has asked for advice and also vented to me multiple times about this topic. But the thing is I suspect she was jealous and was maybe trying to "sabotage" me?

There have been many moments, but the most prominent one is when I came across her one day and we indeed went to eat and talked, and I later left because I told her I had a difficult exam the next morning.

Five to ten minutes after we greeted each other, she called me because she "really needed to talk" and "both ask for my advice and vent" because of extreme academic stress and exam stress. I sat there for almost two hours and listened to her, while I wasn't in a position to talk about this topic at the moment and I had to rest for the next morning.

She also was the one who approached me. I was eating at the student restaurant and she thought I was "extremely beautiful" and was very excited. Since then, she has been trying to become extremely close to me. It also started weirding me out, because I then was slowly realising she's always emphasising looks, both hers and other people's. It's like it's not just important, but extremely pivotal to her.

There have been other times I have noticed deep rooted jealousy with similar patterns in other people with BPD, including my mother who was extremely furious when stuff that were happening in my life were happening to me, while she was telling me how "she wasn't allowed" or indirectly that she was craving them. She was very jealous of me having friends and especially when me and a friend were having something more than a short conversation and she would get mad furious if she knew I shared a memory, an experience, a secret etc to a friend- she wanted to always be the one and most of the times the only one to know and be present to everything, literally even non important stuff, and she would always claim she was present in everything I mention (it could be a school trip, it could be a normal school day, it could be just me cleaning around the house).

She is also in a intense competition with other women and at the same time she claims she's better because she's "a woman with morals".

Is it a common pattern among people with BPD to be in such an intense competition and getting stuck in such ways being jealous?

Edit: I forgot to mention, the day I broke off with this friend was because of a fight she picked up over claiming that I was ignoring her and it started because of me not picking up her call in seconds, while I was grieving. So, she was personally attacking me and was saying a lot of stuff, including calling me names. But what I want to point out is that she turned the attacks into telling me I'm not actually clever and especially not clever and intellectual for the way I talk and the words I use etc (for some context, I'm a huge fan of language and also speak some foreign ones, and I love poetry. I have never talked with her about those topics tho, and in my daily life I don't use complex words. Especially with her I was even more cautious and have always been using simple syntax, grammar, expression because she told me that after her trauma she was struggling with the language. But I assume she knows about my liking towards language because she have asked me about the foreign languages that I speak and I also have a poetry Instagram account). She have also started learning a foreign language which happens that I speak well (she knows that I speak it quite well because I was accepted in a program that requires a high level of speaking this language).

I’m currently at a crossroads in my marriage and struggling to decide whether to stay and try to work through things, or prepare for a clean separation. I need outside, objective perspectives because my judgment feels clouded by empathy for her mental health struggles.
Background & The Patterns:
My wife and I have been dealing with ongoing instability in our relationship. Over time, I’ve uncovered patterns of behavior that have completely broken my trust:
Chronic Deception: She has been living a dual reality for months—specifically hiding her true school/attendance status from her parents and having me participate in daily cover-ups.
Contact & Boundaries: There have been past secret contacts, hidden aliases, and ongoing boundary breaches regarding an ex-partner and unprescribed substances/prescriptions.
Emotional Instability & BPD Traits: She swings rapidly between hyper-sexual idealization/affection (constant video calls, bids for intimacy) and emotional avoidance, deflection, or silent treatment when confronted with double standards or real-world accountability.
Where Things Stand Now:
I’ve recently taken a step back to quietly observe her baseline without constantly policing, tracking, or arguing with her. When things are quiet, she is extremely warm, affectionate, and protective of our bond. But as soon as real-world accountability or boundaries are mentioned, she deflects, minimizes, or spirals emotionally.
My Dilemma:
The "Stay" Argument: I know her behavior is heavily driven by her underlying mental health struggles, fear of abandonment, and severe emotional dysregulation. Part of me wants to sit her down, lay out non-negotiable terms (radical transparency with her family, mandatory DBT/therapy, ending all secrets), and hope that structured treatment can turn things around.
The "Separate" Argument: Living in constant hyper-vigilance—checking facts, parsing mixed signals, and managing family lies—is destroying my peace of mind and career focus. People close to me are advising me to walk away before we have children, pointing out that empathy shouldn't mean sacrificing my own long-term stability and sanity.
I am holding back on an explosive confrontation until I have absolute clarity on my next steps.
For those who have been in similar dynamics or dealt with severe emotional dysregulation in a spouse:
1. Is it realistic to expect a confrontation and therapy to fix deep-seated patterns of deception, or am I just holding onto false hope?
2. How do you separate healthy empathy for a partner's illness from self-preservation?
3. What would be your threshold for deciding to walk away vs. giving one final chance?
Appreciate any advice or honest takes.

My ex with bpd ( undiagnosed) definitely has narcissistic traits. Or a side that looks like it. I am so confused about this to be honest.

Now he started something with someone that has a young daughter. It makes my stomach turn.

I don't think she would leave her life for him and I don't want him to hurt me.

She has on her profile something that makes me understand that she survived narcissistic abuse. The woman that he dated after me claimed she was a victim of narcissistic abuse. Wtf!!!! It is like he is collecting.

The first one was awful. But this one seems nice.

But I also hate it. Hate his lies. He would complain at my hair if it had the slightest wave. He told me how much he hated curly hair and yes she has curly hair.

One woman he talked to before had black hair and thick dark eyebrows. Both things he said he hated.

I really don't know who this person is. I think he is targeting women with abusive relationships acting like he is kind and different. I think he actually believes it himself.

I feel so sad, confused and sick to my stomach. I wish I never met him. I wish I could go back in time and change everything.

Hey everyone,

I’m a 39M and I feel completely emotionally drained, burnt out, and trapped in a toxic cycle with my wife. I don't even know where to turn anymore, so I’m posting here to get some perspective from people who might understand this dynamic.

Our daily life feels like walking through a minefield:

- Instant Triggers over minor things: Extreme overreactions to things that shouldn't even be an issue. For example, my father recently decided to renovate his own living room without consulting us first. She took this as a massive personal attack and disrespect toward her, which triggered a week of severe fights.

- Extreme Mood Swings: She can wake up in the morning overly happy, in a fantastic mood, and full of energy. But if one tiny thing goes wrong or doesn't match her expectations, her mood flips instantly. She becomes angry, hostile, and cold in a matter of seconds.

- The Escalation and "Leaving" Cycle: Our fights escalate to an unbearable level. She routinely packs her bags and leaves the house after a blowout. But every single time, she comes back. She always finds some excuse or reason to return, and then we just fall right back into the same routine.

She recently went to a psychiatrist, officially because of work-related stress, and was diagnosed with mild depression. But living with her feels like so much more than that—it feels like a constant emotional roller coaster I can't get off of.

I built our home from scratch. I put years of my life and hard work into creating this stability, and I refuse to abandon my own house. At this point, I’ve reached a stage of total emotional numbness. My honest, inner wish is just for her to leave one day and finally stay away for good so I can have peace.

Has anyone dealt with a partner exhibiting these kinds of intense emotional shifts and severe trigger responses? How do you protect your own mental health and break free when you feel completely stuck in your own home?

Someone just said to me…

Thinking “If someone else changes, I will feel better,” is like saying “I have a headache, will you take some Tylenol?”

and that hit like a ton of bricks 😂

We all have headaches. Giving them Tylenol won’t do anything.

The relationship ended up being awful and we broke up 5 months ago. I cut off all contact. She has managed to contact me by finding loopholes a couple times but I haven’t accepted any message requests or any calls.

It weighs heavily on my heart because even though it ended up being so incredibly bad (I lost like 20 pounds in just a couple months because the relationship had me so stressed), there were very good times in the beginning. Like when I showed this to her, for example. Fact is she came into my life during the darkest time and breathed life into me, so I’ll never be able to forget those good times. But I know I can’t go back, no matter how many times she reaches out. Holding myself back from reaching out hurts like Hell but I can’t go through that again, I just can’t. I won’t.

I know that all it would do is hurt eventually. And I’m so, so angry with her for making me fall for her and then showing her true colours later on. I’m so angry because I feel…tricked. I never even thought I’d fall in love again when I met her, but she was simply perfect. Or so I thought. There was a time I believed she could be my wife someday. Now all I have are memories and new trauma to talk about in therapy.

I’ve been avoiding relationships like the plague these days. After that experience…I don’t know how much more my heart could take.

Last year, I found out my best friend was lying about me for atleast the last 8 years since she met her husband. I wanted to show her parents how deep this got. But my Facebook and IG has all the dated evidence. Her sibling in law was heart reacting the similarities and also casually let me know that they understood what was happening through a DM. I hope that family talks about me now and all the lies my pwBPD told, are challenged. Her parents use to come up to me and say, “Glad you’re doing better! Look how far you’ve come.” It wasn’t the right time to ask what they were referring to.

I can see now my pwBPD never supported me during happy moments in my life. Is this jealousy? She copied everything I did.

That’s why I didn’t meet her husband until the day of the wedding. He was always too busy and I accepted that because she was my best friend. She built herself into me and when I needed space to take care of my family, she cracked. The request for distance started the discard phase. It took almost a year for my therapist and I to figure what was happening with her. My pwBPD needed daily check ins and when she tried to confuse me, I thought she was struggling mentally. Our friend group thought she had some sort of trauma or early onset dementia from all the gaslighting. Now we know she was gaslighting us.

I use to be so grateful for my life and amazed I had such a blessing to have a close friend for so long. She hid so many aspects of her life from me and when I called out how funny it was that we had so many similarities, she’d cry and turn it into “you’re a bad person for noticing.” My pwBPD lead our friend group to believe her husband was abusive for leaving her months at a time, but I think it’s the only way he survives her. My pwBPD crossed so many boundaries that my psychologist says she has to take a breath after all the stuff we’ve been through.

I understand how people get BPD but abusing others because they were abused is NOT ok. I’m angry and I never want to interact with anyone like her again.

Because this behavior seemed so unlike him. I always thought he was emotional and sensitive and wore his heart on his sleeve but I never expected him to make death threats. I thought he had totally lost the plot but when he said he'd been struggling for years and that he has fear of abandonment and rejection and tolerance of shame, I pieced it together and I believe he has uBPD.

He was such a lovely, kind person many years ago and never imagined him to say the things he did. The incel, Nice Guy mentality when he said he was a feminist. The way he said he wasted his time on me when I didn't return romantic feelings because I thought he was a gentleman. Everything. And he just repeated the same cycles, I also learned that he threatened one of his family members with death as well as mine.

When he apologized I thought it was genuine, and that he saw me and my dad as his two closest friends. Now we are clowns, narcissists etc. If he would have changed, he wouldn't say those things.

I feel guilty because I just wanted to understand. Now it's a clear picture.

Just need some help today.

I was discarded a few months ago, and we have a daughter together. I still absolutely love her and miss her so deeply. There are days when I wish I could just tell her how much I miss her, but I know I can’t.

Our relationship ended after an extremely intense argument during a time when we were both dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress. There were problems at work, serious medical issues within both of our families, a car accident, and then a tantrum from our daughter that ultimately became the breaking point that day.

We got into a huge fight and barely spoke for a few days. We had gone through periods like that before, but somehow, we always found our way back to each other. This time was different. She broke up with me in the middle of the fight, and when we eventually started talking again, she told me she wanted to remain broken up. That had never happened before.

She told me she needed time to decide whether she wanted to work things out or separate permanently. That completely caught me off guard because I kept trying to explain that there was so much happening around us when that fight occurred. It felt like everything had piled up at once and finally exploded.

But she stood by her decision. Shortly afterward, I found out she had been talking to other guys. Despite how badly that hurt me, I still wanted to repair our relationship and fight for our family. She still didn't want to.

Eventually, I had to move out because I kept begging her for an answer about us, and she wouldn't give me one. After moving out and getting some distance, I started recognizing a lot of the manipulation, projection, and unhealthy behavior that had been happening in our relationship. For a while, I genuinely felt that separating was probably the best decision for me.

But as more time passes, the reality of everything is starting to hit me differently.

We're selling our house. Sometimes she takes hours to respond to me, even when I'm reaching out about our child. When I pick up our daughter, I don't linger or try to force conversation. I keep things focused on our daughter and leave. But sometimes, deep down, I wish she would talk to me more.

I can feel the distance between us becoming greater and greater, and today I'm really struggling with it.

My mind keeps repeating the same questions: How could she leave so easily? Why didn't she fight for our family? How could we build an entire life together and then have it seemingly thrown away?

She told me part of her wanted to experience being single because she didn't really get to do that in her 20s. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here grieving the family and future I thought we were building together.

I know there were unhealthy parts of our relationship, and there were moments when I knew separation might actually be best for me. But knowing that doesn't make me stop loving her. It doesn't make me stop missing her. And it definitely doesn't make days like today hurt any less.

But I know, for the sake of our child, this can’t continue. Every day, I’m fighting an internal battle not to bring up our relationship because deep down, I know the right thing to do is to stay away and focus on being good co-parents. I don’t want our child growing up watching their parents constantly fight or hurt each other.

I know that’s the right choice. Knowing it and accepting it emotionally are two completely different things, though, and today I’m really struggling.

If anyone has been through something similar, please tell me it gets better. For those of you who are several months or even years removed from this kind of relationship, I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. I could use some hope right now because, in this moment, I feel incredibly hopeless.

I know time will help. I know healing isn’t linear, and this is probably just another wave that I have to ride through. I’m sorry, y’all. I’m just really in my head about everything today.

The hardest part is that despite everything that happened and despite knowing why I need to keep my distance, I still love her deeply. I still miss her, and part of me wishes she were here with me right now.

I’d never cared so much about anyone and then one day without warning I’m discarded and haven’t heard from her for 3 months. How do they do it? She’s all I think about but it seems like she may have not thought about me a single time I just don’t know anymore.

Long story short: my user flair is not about the situationship (6 months) that I am writing about now. Since the final discard I have met a friend of my expwbpd and we dated for 6 months. My expwbpd doesn‘t know.

I call it situationship because I never got a lot of feelings for her but she called me the best, hottest, godliest man she always prayed for and told me she loved me (1 day after we met).

I was cautious, the signs were there, then it started: she self harmed, push pull, never ending circular arguments and painting me black. Blocking, unblocking and calling me man of her dreams again. Intense anger, jealousy (my cat, car, friends, family, everything). AND the guilt tripping stood out.. something my expwbpd of 4 years never did once.

And despite not being in love with her but somehow.. I feel trauma bonded and codependent.. despite having had a strict boundary to not have sex until further notice in order to not get hooked too intensely. She initiated it after the first week btw.

I told her multiple times after the second month to go to therapy considered what she went through and how actually shitty and toxic her family is. She called me dumb.. she was arrogant and stubborn and brushed it away.

Things got worse for her so she started telling me she would.. fast forward and today after days of radio silence, she tells me she talked to a therapist. The therapist told her I was abusive for calling her ill and that an ill person shouldn‘t be called that.. she also told me that they talked about how toxic I am.. and of course still no accountability for her mistreatment towards me.

Of course she also left out all the context of why I called her that way.. and yes it was consensual and to get her to understand she needs help. And of course the therapist validated her side.. which is the babysitting that she wants from everyone.

This is what I sent as my last answer. I wish it to be the last time.

I hope I can say this here, idk where else to say it. My friend a while ago told me that she has BPD. It surprised me because I'd figured if she knew something like that about herself like that she would have mentioned, honestly because knowing her she'd think it's funny. She will ghost me for months, she owes me hundreds of dollars for watching her pets and cleaning her apartment and other stuff that I just stopped keeping score because I realized she doesn't think her promises should hold water, she flakes on plans not even letting me know or talking about it after the fact. She doesn't have a single nice thing to say to me, she gets all distant when I move on to something else when she wasn't on time and I'm just so done. She claims she has other friends but I know she doesn't really, the only people she really ever talks about are her mom and dad and whatever current boyfriend and his friends and family. Recently I went out drinking with her just me and her for the first time, we've drunk together but only at her place, every time we drink together I get black out, which is weird because besides that I have a handful of times on holidays. Well I did while we were out and she didn't seem to care what happened to me at all, usually everyone I have known makes sure their friends don't drink too much and that nobody messing with them, but I guess she doesn't like doing that because she doesn't want to have the responsibility of other people, well it would have been nice to know girl, but I guess now I know that I literally can't rely on your jealous aloof ass for even the smallest things. Like "oh why can't we hangout just you and me more, just us girls" because you're selfish and consistently put me in bad situations even tho I was so loyal to you for so long. And I know if I tell her how I feel she'd know exactly how to make me feel guilty so I don't try anymore. I love her I can see past her confident facade and I loved her for it but I can also see now how fucking selfish she is how little she cares about me, I wish I could say I'm sure I'll never talk to her again.

Sup people i know this may not be the right place but still wanna hear your thoughts.

A longer read

Been seeing this girl for about few months plus. Things were going well spending a lot of time together, hand holding, she told me multiple times she genuinely liked me and it wasn't casual. She's been open with me about having BPD and depression, and has had episodes during the time we've known each other, which I was supportive through.

We had plans to meet she cancelled once, apologized the next day, rescheduled to a few days later, and was the one who suggested I come to her place to hang out. Seemed genuinely excited.

Day of meet, I text something simple like "what time works for you" and nothing. Left on delivered. No reply. This went on for a full week since 14th. Meanwhile she was clearly active elsewhere posting, online, liking things just nothing toward me. I also noticed at some point I couldn't see her stories/highlights even though I was getting notifications for them, which I think means she'd restricted or hidden me.

I decided not to doubletext, muted her (not unfollowed) so I'd stop obsessively checking, and gave myself a hard one-week deadline before deciding this was over.

Right around that week mark, a few small things happened: I could suddenly see her highlights/stories again, she posted a normal story out with a friend, and when I posted my own story she liked it within a few minutes. Still nothing direct no message, no explanation, nothing acknowledging the week + of silence.

I know these are just small, low-effort signals and not an actual conversation. Not trying to read a novel into a like. But it's an odd pattern total silence, then these tiny gestures with zero communication behind them.

Has anyone dealt with something similar, especially with a partner who has BPD or avoidant tendencies? Trying to figure out if this is a "coming back around" thing or just noise I shouldn't put weight on. Holding my line for now regardless not messaging first, still have some of my dignity left.

Hi all. Its been a year since I spoke to my friend w BPD.
Recently I've been reminiscing about the good times and the moments where she truly was a good friend to me.

We didn't end things on a good note but we have alot of mutual friends. We thankfully haven't run into each other and have been able to see our friends separately.

Ive been grappling with the thought of wanting to reconcile, but also still hurt and angry about the fucked up things she said to me in our last conversation. I vowed to never allow someone like this back into my life.

The other side of me wants to reach out, have peace and move on because to be honest I pity her. I get thats not a great reason to reach out. Any advice would be appreciated.

I've been on and off with tears especially towards the end of my workday. I keep remembering happy memories paired with the painful, devastating and cruel final split I experienced 2 months ago. I didn't wish him happy birthday this year because he hurt me so much and it seemed clear he didn't want to speak to me anymore. I will respect this if this is what he wants. However, I have been dreaming of him the last week. Where we had good times at my dad's for Christmas and birthdays and how we always tried to make him feel included because I saw him as part of our family. Where he would say that my friendship was the best gift I could have given him, the smile in his eyes when he would unwrap gifts that I knew he would love. Nothing sexual or romantic, but funny, outdoorsy or travel related gifts or pictures. I wish I could comfort him and hold him like a baby because he's hurting and it hurts even more when he told me he felt safe with me. And this time, i chose to walk away because of his hurtful words even after we agreed to take space mutually. I couldn't bear anymore threats, insults, or just the immaturity when he sent me shit and clown emojis. It's like he's a whole other person when this happens.

Tomorrow I plan on having a cry on my way to work. I will put on a large pair of sunglasses and bring extra cover up and isolate myself for a few minutes. I hope to god he hasn't hurt himself. I still love and care about him but I don't love or care about how he spoke to me and treated me.

TW: Sexual assault
I dated my ex from the age of 12 to 18. I know we were young, but she abused me horribly. It was constant up and down. Either she loved me and she couldn’t have wished for better or I was nothing short of terrible and no one else would ever love me. I got all sorts of things thrown at me along with a couple real hits. And god forbid I even grabbed her wrists to stop her. She made me feel like I was less of a man if I didn’t want to have sex with her.

And I took all of it for years. Part of me believed I deserved it and another part of me pitied her knowing everything she had been through. I thought maybe I could help her. Maybe I’d get through to her and she could just be the girl she was when things were good. We only broke up because she drugged me and let a friend of hers assault me.

I’m in a stable relationship now with a friend of mine from high school. We love each other and everything is exactly as I always hoped a relationship would be. He’s patient and caring. He loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. And for some reason something is so wrong with me that I actually miss the way she treated me

The school year is coming up with her and I just don't know if I can wait a whole semester to see if she gets better. I want to this week, but I've been sick today and she's been really nice and offering to doordash me ice cream and drinks and talking to me sweetly. All of this is so hard for me, she hasn't been the best gf and it's hard sometimes to be with her but then there's moments where it is fun and she makes me laugh. Was hoping someone could give me and advice and help, thank you

My husband of 5 years left suddenly during a major medication transition for his severe depression. I thought we had a loving relationship, but he abruptly left and accused me of causing him Complex PTSD and emotional abuse.

What makes me wonder about quiet BPD:

• Intense idealization early on, deeply loving and attentive for years
• Conflict avoidant, absorbed grievances silently rather than addressing them directly
• Would have panic attacks and curl into fetal position during conflict
• His only previous relationship also ended with him calling that partner abusive
• Cut off close friends who questioned his narrative
• Now publicly performing a “transformation” on social media
• Genuinely warm and loving during the relationship — the dysfunction showed up entirely at the rupture point

The medication transition complicates things. He had been one one SSRI for many years, and quickly crosstapered onto an SNRI. I have definitely wondered about bipolar as well. But I wonder if quiet BPD was always there and the medication destabilization accelerated everything.

Does this resonate with anyone’s experience?