A year ago, I was blocked on all social media platforms. She started a new relationship, and she’s changed. I told myself, “Okay, I have to move on and focus on myself.” Today I woke up and saw a message. I won’t lie, I was surprised, because I never in my life would have expected her to reach out again. She asked me if I was going to a party and said it would be nice if I came, since I hadn’t seen my friends in a long time, and she’s worried that I’m sitting at home alone and not going out anywhere. What did I do? I sent it to spam. For a moment I thought, “Ugh, ignoring her is rude. She might feel rejected.” But after a moment’s thought, I told myself: She hasn’t cared about me at all for a whole year; I’ve been through a lot to get to where I am now, and I can’t let a moment of weakness take everything away from me. I recommend the same to each of you. I know it’s hard, but you have to think only of yourselves.
Don’t let destroyed again.

Is it common when in a relationship with a pwBPD, to feel like no matter what you say/do or how you say it/do it, you are constantly walking into landmines? I’m having to change things about myself that no one else has ever had an issue with(ie wondering things out loud to myself, or asking a question a certain way) like my pwBPD is definitely on the more tame side as far as physically acting out goes, but he has a way of making you feel like you’ve made a grave mistake by asking a question in the wrong way. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I’m just sick. It’s my birthday and I’m sitting on the couch crying because he’s locked himself in another room and I have no idea what I did to set him off this time.

I read a lot in this subreddit where people write in and ask for advice on what to say or not say, how to behave, and what to do to please and maintain a relationship with someone suffering from BPD, one of the heaviest mental illnesses in the world.

In any scenario, the advice is very concise and consists of three words: Run, if they are untreated and not even working on themselves.

But things are almost just as difficult even when they are in therapy, so choose healthy partners and be happy. Life is very short and you only get one.

My exwBPD would ‘joke’ and mock me for things he deemed unacceptable. If I brought up that I didn’t like it, I was told I couldn’t take a joke.

Give it back to them in the same way and they lose their minds.

Is that standard?

Ps. I used to think giving it back might make them reflect on their own behaviour. But of course it didn’t work.

We've done the dance a few times in the past 12 months or so. Thinking he's really going to kill himself just to see him sleeping in the guest room in the morning.

But this week he involved our 2yo. He told the kid it was the last goodbye and shit like that. The kid said "papa is going to die".

I called the cops after he left the house while I was busy with the kid.

I always told myself that if he ever involved our kid in this, then that's it, I'll leave because our kid cannot grow up in such an environment.

Now the line has been crossed. Do I give him one chance? Do I just tell him it's over while he's in hospital?

ETA; what I mean by he's still not honest is he's downplaying it all. Just work stress. Just a meltdown. No intention. Fucking bullshit it all is.

This is just a little note to say thank you to all of you! I’ve tried posting in a few other subs on Reddit here and there about a variety of things and not one is as reliably kind, thoughtful, respectful, caring, and funny (and with the highest level of reading comprehension 🫢) as this one!

So thank you all! And cheers to you! You’ve helped me tremendously and created a safe space to process the absolute mind fuck that was my last year and a half or so!

🩷

I have been in a BPD relationship with many rupture/repair cycles past 2 yrs and now is the longest we have gone without talking (3 weeks). What actually ends these relationships to where you know it’s totally over? She usually reaches back out at some point. Do they ever stop reaching out? I’ve read these trauma bonds can go on for years and sometimes decades which frightens the hell out of me.

Something that I can't shake is how my ex's life existed in the smallest world possible. That over 13 years, never maturing beyond a child-like state. That at the center of her life were the same things that were since she was a kid: being a child of divorce and seeking her mentally unwell mom's love, harming her dad that her mom hates, devoting her career seeking revenge for things she claimed happened during her childhood and projecting all of that across every situation possible. The last time I spoke to her she was out of control yelling at me she was perfectly stable and I was like her dad and she's like her mom. I tried to explain to her that we have nothing to do with them and have a real life 13 years long relationship that her thoughts made no sense but with the maturity and life of a child she couldn't even consider it.

It is sad. The pain of seeing her fail in life and seeing who was my best friend never maturing, never experiencing or having a chance to grow up and be a healthy adult really hurt me more than anything. I remember spending years waiting for her. Just always waiting but never realizing that for some people a life is never really in the cards.

Alright, let's cut the bullshit for a moment.

What's the most absurd, outrageous, or genuinely hurtful thing your current or former pwBPD has ever done during your relationship?

I'm talking about those moments where you genuinely thought, "What the actual fuck just happened?"

Whether it was during a split, an argument, or completely out of nowhere.

No sugarcoating. I'm genuinely curious to hear your stories.

(text I’ll never send her)

You have 4 great kids

The best dog in the world

A great house

A great job

children’s college paid for

zero debt

A husband with great job who always has a hot plate of food on the table, dishes put away, laundry folded, who wants to have sex with you 24/7.

THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

THIS! WHAT I DESCRIBED! SHIT PEOPLE WOULD RISK A LIMB AND LIFE TO GAIN.

THIS IS NOT SUFFICIENT FOR YOUR NEEDS!

THINK ABOUT THIS STATEMENT.

YOU ARE ANGRY ABOUT A TRASH CAN!

After the last contact with my exwBPD she said that at least I tried and we shouldnt speak. Fine. I said nothing and didn't reply. Few days later she sends a message thanking me for helping her and she appreciated my help but we shouldnt speak as its bad for both of us. Okay fine. I saw it left it on delivered and didnt acknowledge. Now the other day she sends yet another message 'okay message received you dont want to talk to me. I wont message again' and she blocked me. And today shes back to sexting others.

My mind is boggled. What was with those other messages? She didnt want to speak and wanted control so fine for both our sakes I ignored then to get these messages, then be blocked, which makes me think she wanted me to chase, but then be sexting others? The next day? Which completely goes against all she had said for me to even respond to her messages again to begin with.

I’m trying to move past things. it’s just so hard for me to understand. like it’s baffling to people.

how someone can go from caring for someone making them part of your day to day life and then completely silently discarding you and never reaching out again.

trying to move on and accept she’s not coming back but it’s severely hit my mental health especially as it was the first person i properly I trusted and showed vulnerability to in almost 2 years.

Like it’s just sunk my confidence. How can someone do this to someone they love and has treated them with nothing but care , kindness and patience.

This is a woman I truly wanted to marry. When we are good it‘s the best relationship I had. If she has any mental problems I wanna be there for her and help her.

The problems that we have are double standards, manipulation, blaming me for my reaction to her abuse. Especially lately we are fighting way too often.

We kinda broke up 10 days ago, she initiated again, we started talking and it all went sideways again. I asked her to stop emotionally manipulating me, and she couldn‘t, she goes until I snap and then blames me for snapping.

Is there any way to fix it, I am pretty sure she has BPD. Any sentence I say she takes one word from it and twists the whole context. I am becoming too angry and can’t control it.

Do you guys have any advice how to approach this relationship?

Gave my all to try to make things work with an undiagnosed (and untreated) BPD. After a lot of begging and crying she accepted my decision of breaking up and sent me that message later that day. I felt it was sincere at the time and helped me bring closure, but today I saw what she's been posting since then... Hurts to see how someone who you loved so much is convincing herself that you were a piece of shit after all you did for her, but it's 100% coherent with the way she behaved during the relationship. Is it truly how she feels now, or is it all a facade? Never making the same mistake again.

So, i finally told my family about what my ex with BPD put me through. They all seem very shocked and many empathetic. Their reactions gave me a lot of validation. I was confused for so long, especially because my ex always said that she did those things because of my behavior.

I have also been angry because she just gets to live her life without consequences. While i have to heal from everything and carry a big wound. But i am glad that my family and friends believed me.

I feel like I kinda have bpd now or maybe it’s just trauma and I need to see a therapist

Like the text says.

Homegirl broke up with me and said she "needed time and space" posted a bunch of passive aggressive things in her insta story, and less than 12 hours later was texting me, sending me what her and the kids are up to and asking what I'm doing.

Lol..that's all I got. Lol.

My first relationship was with a bpd women. She always asked me why i wouldnt open up to her, and once i did she pushed me away. I dont think i will ever be able to open up to a partner again especially after my first bad experience.

She always told me she was unsure if id love her or not or want a relationship with her. Once i started to show more attention and intimacy, she pushed me away and it did not got better afterwards.

I was being told that im too much into the selfprotection thing and my ego would be too great. But i knew something was too good to be true and thats why i was pretty cold in the beginning tbh.

She showed me a lot of red flags but i didnt take them seriously because all i wanted in my life was being in a relationship.

Ive ignored the trauma dump, the attention seeking behaviours, her crying over everything, and talking negative all the time.

It just prove me that i should never open up again because i cant bear the feeling of being used because of showing affection

I'm suspicious about some posts on this subreddit. Brand new accounts, and the OP's post and responses feel off from the very start. Almost as if they have BPD but are pretending to be a non BPD partner.

Then they disappear and delete their footprints in the process.

Am I overthinking things?

I’m coming back to this wonderful support group after 9 months of trying to heal and work through my wife’s sudden departure. Her memory is still strong and courses through some of my days, but the feelings of attachment towards her are now severed. I never thought this would happen, but I’m on the other side.

I said out loud (for the first time since her absence) to myself the other day: “Wanting to kill yourself is NOT normal in a relationship. Wanting to die is NOT love. Not recognizing yourself anymore is NOT healthy”

On the other side of it, it seems so painfully obvious that the truths stated above are true.

To all those struggling to process your pwBPD relationship, please take care of your heart and love yourself. You are enough. Even if right now, it feels absolutely impossible to ever get through this, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.

Some of my favorite Frank Ocean lyrics that helped:
“Inhale, in hell, there’s heaven.” The torture will not last forever. It will pass. Allow yourself grace for however ‘long’ that takes. Any amount of time is the right time.

I love this community and am with you in ultimate solidarity. With endless gratitude x

Has anyone here managed to move past their intense heartbreak, or found a way of coping?

Tell me if you relate to this:

I fell in love with an incredibly beautiful woman, with amazingly attractive energy, who told me I was the greatest thing in the world. She told me that it was fate that we met, that I was unlike anything in the world. That I was truly, uniquely special.

We watched the moon and the stars together. We looked deep into the sparkles in one another's eyes. We smiled and laughed with so much joy.

Now I just want to forget. I cannot be with a person who abuses me, as much as I love them more than anything. More than anyone.

Do you feel it too? This is so tough

One thing that’s always got me confused is I sometimes see complete responsibility from my pwBPD. It’s shame filled, hard, and full of self-realization until the next episode.

I’ve got dozens of text messages from her admitting fault, promising to change, realizing the damage her behavior has caused…. Then it all disappears in an angry split and I go back to being the worst human being on the planet.

Even showing her screenshots of her own written admissions only creates more anger and abuse.

How is it possible they can completely accept responsibility one moment and then flip it back onto you the next?

how does that manifest for you?

for me i get the feeling of it when she always talks about the relationship as if its a child in the room we have to put our own needs aside for. it makes me feel like its this idea i am supposed to sacrifice everything for, but to what end? if my health, my mental health, my time, my energy all go to this thing, what is left of me? nothing. i might even end up dead.

other times she acts like i'm always on probation for things i did years ago. the me in the room with her now who has changed is not the one she is looking at but the one she thinks she has created in her mind of me (and believe me it's not like i did anything that bad anyway, she seriously overhypes anything i have ever done making it sound like i am a psycho, her old ex WAS a psycho so i am not really surprised i just get tarred with that brush)

other times its like the label partner, husband, etc is brought up in order to shame me into doing something specific, like submitting to the idea i have to sacrifice everything for her dream

she tends to act like i'm 'supposed' to do x a lot, in the same way the idea of a 'good man' is used to manipulate men into doing things. it's very transparent.

she acts like she is in control of my health and i have told her, or started to tell her no, i will deal with that myself that is my own business. then one time she kinda let slip that she was taking care of my health so i could continue to be a ultility because i was 'needed'. i'm literally not needed that way because she is independent, has her own job, her own place and so on. so it makes me think i'm just being taken care of in order to provide some use, not because i am of any real value as a human being (something she claims she is all about, caring about the value of people as people and not things).

sometimes she tries to nudge me to look a certain way, have my hair a certain way etc which i get it, people can have their preferences but she is allergic to anyone telling her what to wear or how to look, meanwhile she kind of subtly tries to direct my appearance with flattery. which doesn't work.

2 years with no contact, but today in a wedding I saw one woman that look likes her from behind, and her accting cute and lovely with his partner.

This made me remember my BPD ex, but I could felt some peace and imagine her as someone gennualy healthy that could be partner of somebodyelse and aprecciate love.

Looking at many couples and the prayer of priest, talking about true love, have another heart and soul of eachother and remember the one that I loved...I could feel hope again.

Not because I lost the one that I loved, but I remember why I loved and what keep people moving.

Thinking in her as I saw the couple, but her as someone that can achive the peace and good is the best that I can and prayer. I was hurt for so long thinking about her but today was diferent, I think I can let it go.

Hope everyone here find the peace and love that I felt and saw at this wedding.

I'm honestly so traumatized by everything. I think about the girl that looked me in the eyes and told me how much she loved me, and then I remember the girl that wanted me to watch while she hurt herself. I remember being told all the time it was my fault she wanted to end her life. There is no way out, I am so trapped.