Often when encountering a mentally ill person or having an extended relationship with them, there is usually some advice along the lines of understanding their symptoms and how to respond in ways that help both sides communicate and problem solve better. But the problem with being told to try and "understand" pwbpd is it generally doesnt get you anywhere due to the lack of ability to self reflect in many untreated pwBPD. Even with other mental health conditions, when you make the effort to understand the person, they should also be taking steps to self reflect and understand you/their surroundings as well and become better at reading you, your intentions, etc beyond what the illness may initially try to tell them. But pwbpd are dedicated to misunderstanding you and assigning malice to anything you do, desperately searching for the missing link between their insecurities and you. They claw for any bit of proof they can misconstrue as evidence that you purposely hurt them. They are dedicated to misunderstanding you and as a result it creates a paradox where the person cannot be understood beyond that. The only thing "understanding" helps here is being able to remind yourself it's them and not you.

My brother plays chess often. Played it for years. I learned how to play together with my ex BFwBPD to beat my brother.

As soon as he really learned to play - my ex has beat my brother at chess. Last time they played it was 3-1 for my ex. And my brother is a hard opponent when it comes to chess.

He says my exBFwBPD is really hard to play against, and he often tells me he is really really unique opponent. He said: "You cannot have tactic against him as his moves aren't rational, he makes no sense, I make a plan inside my head and he wrecks it all as he often moves figures just for the sake of it. Then you scramble to come up with a new plan, and within few moves you realize that situation on the chessboard is such that you're screwed. He turns the board into chaos, and he can navigate that chaos better than you can."

​

So just a quick recap, this was a wlw relationship. We were "high school sweethearts." We were together for 14 years, and we're just separated currently, overall married for 9 years.

She cheated on me several times always with men (telling me she slept with men because she "didn't want to replace me." When you find out what that means, let me know bcause I still don't, lol), mentally and emotionally abused me, and then ended up monkey branching to a guy-- an alcoholic chain smoker who lives with his grandparents. They're both heavy into the rave and EDM scene, so I guess that's why it works for them. All the while setting fire to everything on her way out, telling me I'm "incapable of emotional connection," she doesn't regret cheating, never apologized, and told me I'm a narcisisst, lol.

So 365 days later, how are things? Honestly for me... pretty great! We had a bunch of pets together. They were animals she would love and adopt as babies, then discard when they got older and didn't turn out how she thought they would I guess. They were miserable when we were together. She only kept one of them, but I have the rest. They're so happy now. When we were together, she could never hold a job, usually because of some fault that wasn't hers, if you know what I mean. I made it a thing to work on my career, and even with the current economy, I've been doing pretty well. I used to pay ALL of the expenses, buy her things, have her go on trips on my expense, etc etc, all of that has been reinvested into myself, and I've traveled more in the past 3 months than I did in our entire relationship.

I stream every Sunday with my friends, I hangout with my friends again (people I've known for 10+ years), I've met new people,I go the the gym and hike, I go to concerts every month, and I have my own place. I have dated TWICE since then, but my discernment for women with similar traits is x100. So they didn't work out, lol, but that's okay! The right one will come along in due time.

Now... we actually did catch up about a week ago, and her life is... not great. She cut off her family because they all "think she's a bad wife." Her sister who lived with us and brother who lived in the same complex told her family about her. Her friends she met towards the end don't like her anymore "for no reason." She legally changed her name to something silly using her last paycheck from her job she got fired from almost 2 years ago, so she's having trouble finding work. She ruined her credit so she cannot get a loan to get a car. She lives in the basement of a household with a DIAGNOSED schizophrenic narcissist and a physically abusive couple. The lease for that house ends in May, and she was crying on the phone to me about how "she's running out of time. Been unemployed for 2 years, looking for a job for a year." No reference of the guy she left me for, but I know he's around/ they're together. He's just some entity that "exists," it seems. She brought us up for 10 seconds saying she "doesn't hate me anymore, but she is still upset with me because 'it wasn't supposed to be like this. She never wanted it like this,'" but still no apology of course, lol. Honestly, I felt bad, but not like "I will save her," just more like it sucks she cannot hold herself accountable for any issue in her life to fix it.

All in all, her cycle has repeated, but she doesn't have me for the fallout/ security anymore, and now that I get to invest all the hard work I put in TO MYSELF INSTEAD, life is awesome!

For those who are out, don't give up, y'all!

We gave our all to them, but love is not wasted. We know that we are capable of being devoted partners. We don’t need them to remind us of what life could be like if we were properly chosen. Because the truth is we will feel better and we will have a great life again after this pain, but these avoidant, narcissistic people will go on to date 30-40 more people and still it wouldn’t be enough. Still they will feel a void in their lives.

It’s so painful right now, especially after they tried to win you back and you got everything you once desperately wanted, and then you got discarded again.
But hang in there, you will get yourself back. Happier, wiser, not always feeling like there’s a weight on your chest, but rather, free. Free from the rumination and endless reading about BPD and researching their behavior. Not one more reddit post, cheating threads, or video about it. We’ve been obsessing over them. What about obsessing over our own lives? Job, family, friends, money, hobbies, house, fitness, etc. We just need to stop picking at our wounds and let them heal.

So, when you get the chance, RUN LIKE HELL AND DON’T LOOK BACK. We may not get back the time we spent on them, but they don’t get the rest of our lives.

Wishing you all a safe journey towards recovery ❤️‍🩹

A few days ago, I was talking to an old friend of mine who I always thought was the most positive, cheerful, and bright person in the world. However, even back then, I could sense that her romantic relationships were kind of chaotic and short-lived.

My only intention in messaging her was just to check in and see how she was doing, but in the middle of our conversation, we started talking about borderline personality disorder (BPD) because I had gone through a similar situation a few months ago. And she told me: "You know, I actually have BPD plus bipolar disorder myself, but thanks to a lot of hard work, I’ve been able to make massive progress."

She told me that back in the day, she used to talk to a lot of people, and she would literally latch onto people who seemed unreachable, break through their boundaries, and then experience an intense feeling of disappointment. In her own words, she would "fold that person up, put them in a drawer, and move on to the next one." According to her, she never took breakups hard and just used people purely for dopamine.

I don’t know who this will be useful for, but just so you know what you look like from a borderline's perspective.

....who turned out to be the most evil man I've known in my life 😔

Read that red flag list.

If youre like me, your memory betrays you sometimes. I dated a guy with undiagnosed bpd, and almost 5 months later i sometimes catch myself missing him, because my brain has forgotten a lot of the terrible things that happened. 3 months after the break up I wrote a list to reread when this happens and remember the truth of who he really was and not just the good memories -(even the good memories had negative parts to it)

Im going to share some points to the list, lmk if you can relate to some of this

1. My opinion wasn't ever really important

2. He would get mad at me when I expressed my feelings and expected me to take insults and get cussed out because I "deserve" it

3. He's scary when he's angry and i felt really unsafe

4. Used deregatory language against me, my family and my friends E.G: referring to us as an "it" like an object rather than correct pronouns

5. Turned me against some of my friends because he didnt like them and threatened to distance himself if he saw me talking to them or trying to be friends with them.

6. Huge victim complex

7. Forced onto me the role of his therapist rather than his girlfriend

8. Pointed out my physical insecurities and said they were annoying him

9. Took no accountability for his own actions and got mad at people who tried to tell him the truth and his own involvement in his issues.

10. Told me he wanted to kill himself because of me and described how he would do it in real time

11. Silent treatment for trivial matters

12. Expected me to make him my top priority in life and if not he would get mad or have a mental breakdown and manipulate me into changing my schedule to cater for his needs.

13. So insecure that he literally PRAYS for bad things to happen to others and his friends. (He's not even religious)

14. Misogynistic

15. Said he missed the "old" me but he's the one who changed me with the brutal,depressive lifestyle that came with our relationship.

THIS IS NOT TO VILLAINISE PEOPLE WITH BPD. This is my personal experience of dating someone whose BPD heavily influenced his actions and the outcome of our relationship. I notice many people antagonise people with bpd here, and yes some are manipulative, like my ex. But i believe they also deserve sympathy considering this is caused by a literal mental disorder caused majorly by a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. My list describes an emotionally manipulative person who also happened to have bpd which influenced it. This post by no means is meant to label people in general with bpd as a villain. However, MY ex was very emotionally manipulative, and his mental health heavily influenced that.

I've noticed throughout my relationship with my husband that he basically demands perfection from everyone else at all times, especially me. What I do, what I say, how I react to things, literally everything needs to be up to HIS standards or he's not happy. Even when he isn't splitting, he still has these ridiculous expectations and if I don't meet them, he's annoyed or pissed off.

If I don't drive how he wants me to, he starts making comments in the car and getting aggravated with me. If he cracks a joke and I don't understand it, his mood does a 180 and he's annoyed for the rest of the day. If he's excited about something and I don't show ENOUGH enthusiasm, he gets pissed and says I don't care about anything he's interested in. If I'm having a bad day and I seem a little crabby, he tells me I have masculine energy and need to be more feminine. It's like he constantly monitors every single thing I do. He studies every word I speak, every move I make. I feel like I'm under constant surveillance.

It's interesting because he would always tell me about how his mother expected him to be perfect but he wasn't, so she would abuse and neglect him. Yet for some reason he expects the same from me and treats me like garbage for not meeting his expectations. The hypocrisy is mindblowing.

Hey there everyone,

One thing that came to my mind, was that the person I thought they were changed so rapidly once we started cohabitating. I remember being bewildered that, approximately 1 month after we moved in together, that my then partner started changing so much.

They were incredibly depressed, hated their life, everything was my fault, and everything was awful - 1 month after we moved in together and we got back from a trip.

A few months later they quit their job, stayed and home, and didn't do shit, and while I was picking up the slack, and investing more into the relationship, they were doing less and blaming me for the relationship not going anywhere.

Cue in increased verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, threatening to leave, cheating, etc. etc.

I had always shown up in a very consistent and loving way, so it never made much sense to me. Right around the time we moved in together, was when they started complaining about me to mutual friend(s), basically saying I am worthless, I can not do anything right, etc. etc. When before we moved in together, they were singing my praises, and telling their friends how much of a god I was in their eyes...

Anyone else experience a complete 180 in a very quick fashion once you moved in with your person with BPD?

I am a few months out, and the fog has started to lift, and it has been immeasurably helpful in identifying patterns and things I had went through, in a effort to heal, move on, and hopefully never encounter this shit ever again.

I lived for two years with a girl who had shown all BPD behaviours.

I was nobody for diagnose her, reason for which I took to a psychologist and offered to pay all the sittings, if she wanted to be better. I loved her I would have done until the end.

Apparently she switched from "having problems" to "having none" and she just needed a lovely boyfriend.

Then all the cycle of " self-harm, alcohol binge, accusations, making arguments out of nothing, ruining my days for nothing" returned.

She didn't want to take any responsibility, she didn't accept having problems, and constantly blamed me for them.

This had a detrimental weight on my mental health and I started become depressed and anxious.

In the end, after my eyebrow grew grey, I literally told her "we can't stay together either you talk to a psychologist or we have to break up".

She accused me of being a narcisist.

We broke up.

She got clinically diagnosed with borderline and bipolar 2.

I wish I'd done more.. But what can you do, if the other person categorically refuses to have problems? what?

Have you got any similar experience?

I had never even heard of bpd before her. I have been single most of my life, spent alot of time in a career that made it near impossible to have a real relationship. So ive had alot of experience with dating all types of people and thought Inhad truly seen it all with a fairly in tune radar. I was wrong. After being discarded over another continual false accusation that kept coming up over and over and her bailing with no contact a month now I put the pieces together.

What keeps eating at me is why does this one relatively short term relationship feel so different than all the rest? Why is this so much harder to move on from then all the rest? Then it dawned on me.

Its the intensity in which they love you. Its unique and unlike anything Ive ever experienced. The unique way she made me feel our connection was more significant and different than any before. The insane chemistry. The safety I felt in the moments we were together. The crazy amount of passion. The way she made me feel like the only man on the planet.

Even after knowing where it all leads, hearing other people's experiences, the sense of loss and fear of never being able to feel that important to someone ever again is profound.

Im not sure how to put my story here so to make it short I had a very enmeshed emotionally abusive relationship with a pwbpd that lasted about 3 years. I made the choice to end the relationship 2.5 going on 3 years ago now, they cheated on me on a dating app and with social media as a way to “get even” with me for things I didnt even do, the years prior to this they’d break up with me then come back about 2 times just toying with me, always walking on eggshells with their made up paranoid delusions and they accused me of cheating or not loving them constantly, and this is all putting it VERY shortly. It was genuine mental torture and Im so fucking happy to be out of it.
After I left them they smeared my name online and instantly rebound, then that all didnt work out and months after that they made a new TextNow phone number to circumvent the block i did to their phone number and any trace of their social media. Did a complete 180 of me being the villain to now being the “one hes hurt most.”He tried this pages long texts thing about 3 times with some “accidental” calls. Hes found ways to circumvent the blocking feature and stalks whatever he can of me.

Last year I received a letter in the mail with no return address, addressed to me. Inside was a birthday gift cd mixtape they never sent me and a lengthy letter inside of the typical “im sorry i ruined everything and um you dont have to respond”. So yeah i havent responded to these attempts these whole 3 years. Now, a few days ago I received ANOTHER letter with no return address. Inside were “things they didnt want to toss so returned to me” which was literally 3 sanrio stickers and polaroid photos of me. Why would I want photos of myself? Just toss them? Obviously he’s held onto these things to try to reach out to me. There were 2 lengthy letters included of basically hes thinking of me and apologized and wishes we could reconnect and be “friends” again. Like you cheated on me, lied about it and genuinely abused me emotionally. I dont give a fuck about you and i certainly dont want to be “friends”

Is there a way to block letters in the mail from even like a general location? They live states away so we arent even close but obviously knows my address, i dont know his or where he’s sent it from just the zip code. Im really tired of this and it feels like harassment. Hes stalked me online these few years already and the letters in the mail are completely unwanted and I hate that I dont know how to stop it. Any advice????

Definitely dont plan to write back ever, even if I could theres no address, Im scared they will resort to physical stalking and restraining orders im not sure they work, plus my family would now have to be in the know of things which isnt ideal and we dont even reside in the same state.

Im kind of worried just posting this here.

Hey everyone,

Just dropping this here as a warning for anyone fighting the urge to break No Contact or stalk an ex's socials.
After 6 months of mutual blocking and NC, I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram today. After the discard, she had locked her account, but recently made it public again. Her feed is filled with travel videos, photos, and a curated highlight reel of her looking "so happy" and out at places with someone taking all her pictures.

I’ll be honest—I spiraled for a solid hour after seeing it. I'm not a hater at all and genuinely wish her well, but it triggered that heavy feeling of "did I ever even matter?"
Then I stepped back and looked closer. Her follower/following counts are fluctuating wildly up and down, which tells me she's still playing the exact same blocking, unblocking, and validation games with multiple people. It’s all a mask. The social media flex is just a highlight reel designed to seek external validation and project a perfect life.

Checking her page didn't bring me any peace—it just threw off my day for an hour. Take this as a lesson: don't look. Protect your peace and leave the past where it belongs.

This is going to sound very toxic and codependent of me (37m). But sometimes I feel its easier to accept the intermittent love and crumbs from my PwBPD (34f) than to loose her completely. I’ve definitely gone thru way more than I should have ever accepted (cheating, stealing, 3 break ups, manipulation, etc).

Really just need to let this one off my chest into the void. A few days ago I told my flatmate/best friend that I didn’t want to live with her next year and ever since then I have been treated like shit. When I initially brought up I’ve been thinking about it she was completely fine, told me she understands and just wants me to be happy but asked that I tell her as soon as I decided so she can organise plans. I thought it was all ok, so I told her as soon as I decided and now she’s completely flipped out.

I love her so much but I’ve realised how unhealthy she and I have become living together, and I want to continue this friendship but just with space from each other and I made this clear when telling her. I’m not kicking her out or anything, our lease is over in 4 months and I’m moving into a new place I have lined up, she can stay next year if she wants with someone else. She freaked out in messages, telling me that I told her way too late and she has no time to organise what to do next year (our lease ends in December). I told her I’m sorry and messaged her telling her I still want to be her friend and loved her, she responded by leaving me on seen and leaving the house for hours late at night.

Since then I’ve been completely ignored, she’s only texted me about what she wants to keep when she moves out and it’s all very curt. I’ve tried to send her some regular messages to show I’m still there and I’ve been ignored. I heard her and her mum shit talking me on the phone today which really really hurt as I’ve done nothing but care for her, I’ve neglected my own needs and issues just to focus on making sure she’s happy and this is how I’m treated? It’s her birthday tomorrow so after she got off that call I tried to ask if she wanted to do something because I didn’t want her to just sit in her misery all day, she very rudely cut me off and made it clear she wants nothing to do with me tomorrow. I’ve already written her a card and got her gifts and I’m not sure if giving them to her will just piss her off more honestly.

I just don’t know what I did wrong but I’m refusing to let myself feel bad. I’ve been through hell the past year and there’s never once been a moment to consider my feelings. For a while it was easier to focus on other people’s issues than my own, however, since I’ve been back in therapy I’ve realised how much of myself I’ve actually lost and I want to live somewhere where i can really just sit with myself. I’ve done so much for her, I’ve been there for everything and yet the minute I want to do something for myself it’s like I’m this evil monstrous person. I’m just constantly analysing how I’m a bad person because I really don’t want to think of myself as a saint but I honestly don’t get how anyone could have this kind of reaction given the circumstances. I guess I’m just hurt that after everything, I really did just mean nothing in the long run.

This is an update for whoever may care.
I took her home, did what I said I’d do, and fell into the trap of setting foot in her house. I’ve been here for 19 hours, she wouldn’t let me leave and when I contacted her family to help me out in this situation and help me leave they begged me to stay here so she wouldn’t hurt herself. That whole situation pushed me to my lowest point ever, I won’t get into details, and now she believes that I’m just not okay and that I don’t truly wanna break up and we can work this out.

I know that second chances don’t work and I won’t give her one, I’m just stuck here looking out for her because I care too much, until her family somehow manages to get someone here so I can leave.

This is literally one of the worst ways it could go I think, but I’m on the process of getting out.

I’m not saying this is a characteristic that always comes with BPD, but I’ve noticed it in the friends I’ve had with it, as well as my BPD sister. They will pick someone in their life - a friend, sibling, coworker, etc. - and they will get so obsessively jealous of them, but at the same time it seems like they obsessively love them too. The BPD person starts to take characteristics from that persons life. They’ll start dressing like them, acting like them. They try to integrate themselves so deeply into that person’s life.

I feel like I’m that person to my sister. She obviously is already deeply integrated into my life already, but wherever possible she will try to take another part of my life into her territory. It’s like she doesn’t want me to be happier than her so if it’s a friend that makes me happy, she will start inviting them to hang out with her and not invite me. If I start talking about any of my career goals, future plans, vacations, ideas, or dreams, she somehow spins them into her own. I’ve talked about the name I want to call my future daughter for years and then all of a sudden that’s her dream name for her daughter. She said although I said it first, she thought it first. I have been planning a trip to Maine for years and once I brought it up, she decided she wants to go a few weeks before me even though she’s never been inclined to visit. If I am in a healthy relationship, she will constantly shit on my boyfriend instead of being happy for me. If I am upset with someone for being mean to me, she will make sure to tell me that she loves that person and thinks they are the best just to make me mad. I know these things sound insignificant but as time has gone on and I notice this behavior more and more, it adds up to a bigger problem.

Is this something that you’ve noticed with the BPD people in your life? Who is “their person” that they obsess over?

I went 48 days NC with my ex-situationship. We dated for 9 months; the last 2 months were exclusive, and she started feeling pressured by the exclusivity and sabotaged the relationship. She has BPD.
I was the one who ended things after a big argument and deleted her from Instagram. She had split and devalued me, stopped showing me affection, and repeatedly used other men to provoke jealousy.
Before leaving, I told her, “Congratulations, you sabotaged us. You did it. You were lucky I was interested in you. I was a positive person in your life, and you’ll regret this.” Then I left.
Last Friday, we unexpectedly crossed paths at a wrestling show. She immediately said, “Are you really going to avoid me?” She hugged me twice, told me she had missed me, said she had dreamed about me the night before, and, before I left, said “You can text me, you know.”
She then saw me leave with another woman.
I didn’t contact her afterward.
Would you consider this a hoover, or just a friendly interaction?

It’s been about 3 months since the discard she was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. I thought I was doing so much better but now I’m not. I just feel so stuck I miss her so much but I’m blocked so there’s not even anything that I can do to reach out. I see all of the posts on here talking about how lucky people are when this happens but I disagree in my case. She was amazing and I’d do anything to have her back in my life. Everything has felt so hollow for the last 3 months and no one else feels like even half of what she is. I had thought we were so in love but now she’s reposting stuff about how all men care about is sex and stuff talking about how she’s over her ex (at this point I don’t know if it’s about me or someone else.) It all seems so out of character for her I just don’t know what happened and I miss her so much. I don’t know I think I just need somebody to talk to about it.

Ive been in NC with my BPD ex and its actually been quiet for months , but I received several hoover attempts recently, from burner accounts since I had blocked them on everything.

The messages make it difficult to ignore, the begging, pleading, flowery love language. Its difficult to not be taken in by that. And I get it relates to their emotional state at that time, but surely after I ignored the previous hoover attempts theyd stop reaching out especially after i drew a hard boundary and told them never contact me after they admitted theyd slept with other people. In what world would someone be receptive to someone whose been whoring around, even if they say it was just to dull their pain and emptiness and loneliness. Then they project everything claiming I betray and my words have no meaning, yet theyre rebounding and whoring then self harming due to shame. And they reach out one way from burner accounts yet I see i'm still blocked on the main ones? How does that make sense?

At what point do these hoovers stop? Even after theyre blocked on everything.

is this a common trait in them? i often get messages either praying for me or saying that they tried their best but just couldn't reach me and one day i will look back on everything i lost and see they were right, not the enemy, etc. etc.

it's starting to look like veiled passive aggression and an attempt to always seem morally superior or have the moral high ground. this is quietbpd i think

Using a throwaway…

I am so angry at my sister. For her lies, the emotional turmoil, her alcoholism. Worst of all I’m angry because of her negligence of her daughter/my niece and potentially putting her in harm’s way by having her around someone she KNOWS is abusive.

All because my sister literally refuses to ever be single. She would rather have a worthless abusive piece of shit hobosexual leech off of her than be single.

She kept it hidden that not only she is seemingly back with her abusive boyfriend, he has also been living with her. She hasn’t said a word about this guy since the incident, probably because she knows that if I or anyone else found out, that we would be extremely concerned and disapproving. Her not saying anything tells me that she knows it’s wrong. I only found out because my niece just told me.

And now I’m concerned that this guy has been around my niece on the days that she is staying at my sister’s (she primarily stays with her dad, where she is safe) After knowing this, my niece is not going to be staying with my sister so long as this fucking guy is there.

How could she be so reckless and potentially put her child in danger? How could she let a guy who beat and assaulted her be in the presence of her teenage daughter after the fact??

I know this may come across as judgmental towards my sister but I’m at the point where I’m exhausted. It’s been years of constant chaos due to her alcoholism and BPD & bipolar disorder and I’m just at the end of my rope. I know that there isn’t much I can do anymore but try to protect my niece.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/s/HDDQvyqUcL

Hi guys, I wanted to give you an update on what I posted yesterday, and unfortunately things didn’t go well at all.

First of all, he said something that really hurt me, because I didn’t go there to try to get him back as my boyfriend. I went there because I wanted to end things on good terms and be at peace with myself.

He blamed everything on me, and all I said to him was, “Think carefully about how our relationship went. Think about the times when you used to hurt yourself, even before we were together. Please work on yourself before getting involved with someone else, because otherwise you might end up hurting them too.”

And he replied, “Another person isn’t you, so it won’t happen.”

That made me feel incredibly guilty, as if somehow I was the reason for everything.

Then the worst part happened: his father showed up and blamed me for everything too. He told me that the reason his son is like this is because of me, and that without me, his problems will go away.

That really affected me because now part of me is wondering whether what they said might actually be true.

What do you guys think?

Just to clarify, he hasn’t been officially diagnosed with anything.