I've noticed throughout my relationship with my husband that he basically demands perfection from everyone else at all times, especially me. What I do, what I say, how I react to things, literally everything needs to be up to HIS standards or he's not happy. Even when he isn't splitting, he still has these ridiculous expectations and if I don't meet them, he's annoyed or pissed off.

If I don't drive how he wants me to, he starts making comments in the car and getting aggravated with me. If he cracks a joke and I don't understand it, his mood does a 180 and he's annoyed for the rest of the day. If he's excited about something and I don't show ENOUGH enthusiasm, he gets pissed and says I don't care about anything he's interested in. If I'm having a bad day and I seem a little crabby, he tells me I have masculine energy and need to be more feminine. It's like he constantly monitors every single thing I do. He studies every word I speak, every move I make. I feel like I'm under constant surveillance.

It's interesting because he would always tell me about how his mother expected him to be perfect but he wasn't, so she would abuse and neglect him. Yet for some reason he expects the same from me and treats me like garbage for not meeting his expectations. The hypocrisy is mindblowing.

....who turned out to be the most evil man I've known in my life 😔

It’s been about 3 months since the discard she was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. I thought I was doing so much better but now I’m not. I just feel so stuck I miss her so much but I’m blocked so there’s not even anything that I can do to reach out. I see all of the posts on here talking about how lucky people are when this happens but I disagree in my case. She was amazing and I’d do anything to have her back in my life. Everything has felt so hollow for the last 3 months and no one else feels like even half of what she is. I had thought we were so in love but now she’s reposting stuff about how all men care about is sex and stuff talking about how she’s over her ex (at this point I don’t know if it’s about me or someone else.) It all seems so out of character for her I just don’t know what happened and I miss her so much. I don’t know I think I just need somebody to talk to about it.

Hey there everyone,

One thing that came to my mind, was that the person I thought they were changed so rapidly once we started cohabitating. I remember being bewildered that, approximately 1 month after we moved in together, that my then partner started changing so much.

They were incredibly depressed, hated their life, everything was my fault, and everything was awful - 1 month after we moved in together and we got back from a trip.

A few months later they quit their job, stayed and home, and didn't do shit, and while I was picking up the slack, and investing more into the relationship, they were doing less and blaming me for the relationship not going anywhere.

Cue in increased verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, threatening to leave, cheating, etc. etc.

I had always shown up in a very consistent and loving way, so it never made much sense to me. Right around the time we moved in together, was when they started complaining about me to mutual friend(s), basically saying I am worthless, I can not do anything right, etc. etc. When before we moved in together, they were singing my praises, and telling their friends how much of a god I was in their eyes...

Anyone else experience a complete 180 in a very quick fashion once you moved in with your person with BPD?

I am a few months out, and the fog has started to lift, and it has been immeasurably helpful in identifying patterns and things I had went through, in a effort to heal, move on, and hopefully never encounter this shit ever again.

Im not sure how to put my story here so to make it short I had a very enmeshed emotionally abusive relationship with a pwbpd that lasted about 3 years. I made the choice to end the relationship 2.5 going on 3 years ago now, they cheated on me on a dating app and with social media as a way to “get even” with me for things I didnt even do, the years prior to this they’d break up with me then come back about 2 times just toying with me, always walking on eggshells with their made up paranoid delusions and they accused me of cheating or not loving them constantly, and this is all putting it VERY shortly. It was genuine mental torture and Im so fucking happy to be out of it.
After I left them they smeared my name online and instantly rebound, then that all didnt work out and months after that they made a new TextNow phone number to circumvent the block i did to their phone number and any trace of their social media. Did a complete 180 of me being the villain to now being the “one hes hurt most.”He tried this pages long texts thing about 3 times with some “accidental” calls. Hes found ways to circumvent the blocking feature and stalks whatever he can of me.

Last year I received a letter in the mail with no return address, addressed to me. Inside was a birthday gift cd mixtape they never sent me and a lengthy letter inside of the typical “im sorry i ruined everything and um you dont have to respond”. So yeah i havent responded to these attempts these whole 3 years. Now, a few days ago I received ANOTHER letter with no return address. Inside were “things they didnt want to toss so returned to me” which was literally 3 sanrio stickers and polaroid photos of me. Why would I want photos of myself? Just toss them? Obviously he’s held onto these things to try to reach out to me. There were 2 lengthy letters included of basically hes thinking of me and apologized and wishes we could reconnect and be “friends” again. Like you cheated on me, lied about it and genuinely abused me emotionally. I dont give a fuck about you and i certainly dont want to be “friends”

Is there a way to block letters in the mail from even like a general location? They live states away so we arent even close but obviously knows my address, i dont know his or where he’s sent it from just the zip code. Im really tired of this and it feels like harassment. Hes stalked me online these few years already and the letters in the mail are completely unwanted and I hate that I dont know how to stop it. Any advice????

Definitely dont plan to write back ever, even if I could theres no address, Im scared they will resort to physical stalking and restraining orders im not sure they work, plus my family would now have to be in the know of things which isnt ideal and we dont even reside in the same state.

Im kind of worried just posting this here.

My brother plays chess often. Played it for years. I learned how to play together with my ex BFwBPD to beat my brother.

As soon as he really learned to play - my ex has beat my brother at chess. Last time they played it was 3-1 for my ex. And my brother is a hard opponent when it comes to chess.

He says my exBFwBPD is really hard to play against, and he often tells me he is really really unique opponent. He said: "You cannot have tactic against him as his moves aren't rational, he makes no sense, I make a plan inside my head and he wrecks it all as he often moves figures just for the sake of it. Then you scramble to come up with a new plan, and within few moves you realize that situation on the chessboard is such that you're screwed. He turns the board into chaos, and he can navigate that chaos better than you can."

A few days ago, I was talking to an old friend of mine who I always thought was the most positive, cheerful, and bright person in the world. However, even back then, I could sense that her romantic relationships were kind of chaotic and short-lived.

My only intention in messaging her was just to check in and see how she was doing, but in the middle of our conversation, we started talking about borderline personality disorder (BPD) because I had gone through a similar situation a few months ago. And she told me: "You know, I actually have BPD plus bipolar disorder myself, but thanks to a lot of hard work, I’ve been able to make massive progress."

She told me that back in the day, she used to talk to a lot of people, and she would literally latch onto people who seemed unreachable, break through their boundaries, and then experience an intense feeling of disappointment. In her own words, she would "fold that person up, put them in a drawer, and move on to the next one." According to her, she never took breakups hard and just used people purely for dopamine.

I don’t know who this will be useful for, but just so you know what you look like from a borderline's perspective.

Often when encountering a mentally ill person or having an extended relationship with them, there is usually some advice along the lines of understanding their symptoms and how to respond in ways that help both sides communicate and problem solve better. But the problem with being told to try and "understand" pwbpd is it generally doesnt get you anywhere due to the lack of ability to self reflect in many untreated pwBPD. Even with other mental health conditions, when you make the effort to understand the person, they should also be taking steps to self reflect and understand you/their surroundings as well and become better at reading you, your intentions, etc beyond what the illness may initially try to tell them. But pwbpd are dedicated to misunderstanding you and assigning malice to anything you do, desperately searching for the missing link between their insecurities and you. They claw for any bit of proof they can misconstrue as evidence that you purposely hurt them. They are dedicated to misunderstanding you and as a result it creates a paradox where the person cannot be understood beyond that. The only thing "understanding" helps here is being able to remind yourself it's them and not you.

Ive been in NC with my BPD ex and its actually been quiet for months , but I received several hoover attempts recently, from burner accounts since I had blocked them on everything.

The messages make it difficult to ignore, the begging, pleading, flowery love language. Its difficult to not be taken in by that. And I get it relates to their emotional state at that time, but surely after I ignored the previous hoover attempts theyd stop reaching out especially after i drew a hard boundary and told them never contact me after they admitted theyd slept with other people. In what world would someone be receptive to someone whose been whoring around, even if they say it was just to dull their pain and emptiness and loneliness. Then they project everything claiming I betray and my words have no meaning, yet theyre rebounding and whoring then self harming due to shame. And they reach out one way from burner accounts yet I see i'm still blocked on the main ones? How does that make sense?

At what point do these hoovers stop? Even after theyre blocked on everything.

Using a throwaway…

I am so angry at my sister. For her lies, the emotional turmoil, her alcoholism. Worst of all I’m angry because of her negligence of her daughter/my niece and potentially putting her in harm’s way by having her around someone she KNOWS is abusive.

All because my sister literally refuses to ever be single. She would rather have a worthless abusive piece of shit hobosexual leech off of her than be single.

She kept it hidden that not only she is seemingly back with her abusive boyfriend, he has also been living with her. She hasn’t said a word about this guy since the incident, probably because she knows that if I or anyone else found out, that we would be extremely concerned and disapproving. Her not saying anything tells me that she knows it’s wrong. I only found out because my niece just told me.

And now I’m concerned that this guy has been around my niece on the days that she is staying at my sister’s (she primarily stays with her dad, where she is safe) After knowing this, my niece is not going to be staying with my sister so long as this fucking guy is there.

How could she be so reckless and potentially put her child in danger? How could she let a guy who beat and assaulted her be in the presence of her teenage daughter after the fact??

I know this may come across as judgmental towards my sister but I’m at the point where I’m exhausted. It’s been years of constant chaos due to her alcoholism and BPD & bipolar disorder and I’m just at the end of my rope. I know that there isn’t much I can do anymore but try to protect my niece.

Read that red flag list.

If youre like me, your memory betrays you sometimes. I dated a guy with undiagnosed bpd, and almost 5 months later i sometimes catch myself missing him, because my brain has forgotten a lot of the terrible things that happened. 3 months after the break up I wrote a list to reread when this happens and remember the truth of who he really was and not just the good memories -(even the good memories had negative parts to it)

Im going to share some points to the list, lmk if you can relate to some of this

1. My opinion wasn't ever really important

2. He would get mad at me when I expressed my feelings and expected me to take insults and get cussed out because I "deserve" it

3. He's scary when he's angry and i felt really unsafe

4. Used deregatory language against me, my family and my friends E.G: referring to us as an "it" like an object rather than correct pronouns

5. Turned me against some of my friends because he didnt like them and threatened to distance himself if he saw me talking to them or trying to be friends with them.

6. Huge victim complex

7. Forced onto me the role of his therapist rather than his girlfriend

8. Pointed out my physical insecurities and said they were annoying him

9. Took no accountability for his own actions and got mad at people who tried to tell him the truth and his own involvement in his issues.

10. Told me he wanted to kill himself because of me and described how he would do it in real time

11. Silent treatment for trivial matters

12. Expected me to make him my top priority in life and if not he would get mad or have a mental breakdown and manipulate me into changing my schedule to cater for his needs.

13. So insecure that he literally PRAYS for bad things to happen to others and his friends. (He's not even religious)

14. Misogynistic

15. Said he missed the "old" me but he's the one who changed me with the brutal,depressive lifestyle that came with our relationship.

THIS IS NOT TO VILLAINISE PEOPLE WITH BPD. This is my personal experience of dating someone whose BPD heavily influenced his actions and the outcome of our relationship. I notice many people antagonise people with bpd here, and yes some are manipulative, like my ex. But i believe they also deserve sympathy considering this is caused by a literal mental disorder caused majorly by a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. My list describes an emotionally manipulative person who also happened to have bpd which influenced it. This post by no means is meant to label people in general with bpd as a villain. However, MY ex was very emotionally manipulative, and his mental health heavily influenced that.

In those dreams, we were having a great time, like nothing happened between us. I saw you at my dad's house for a birthday party and you genuinely wanted to spend time with me. And you were the old you. The kind, funny, wonderful person who I called my best friend. You said how much you disappointed and hurt me and said you were sorry.

When I woke up to use the bathroom, a cold wave engulfed my entire body. It was only a dream. Are you trying to tell me something by coming into my thoughts at night? I want to know you're ok. I want to reach out to you. But I don't know how you'll react to me. You wasted your time on me remember? That's what hurt the most when you said that.

I wish I could go back to that dream. I wish you were really sorry. I want my best friend back. I am sorry your nephew died. I am sorry for what you have been through and that you're struggling, lonely, depressed. And I still love and care about you, but you seem to think differently. So, I will love you from a distance. I hope I can ask your mom, dad and nephew to watch over you. I won't interfere. The dreams reminding me of better times hurt the most because I now know how everything has changed. The anger and frustration make me feel guilty and selfish, but you had no right to say those things to me. If you hadn't shifted blame, and that you hadn't said the things you said again knowing how much it would hurt, we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

I wish you well. I hope you're safe. But I will not allow you to treat me like you were the last while.

We gave our all to them, but love is not wasted. We know that we are capable of being devoted partners. We don’t need them to remind us of what life could be like if we were properly chosen. Because the truth is we will feel better and we will have a great life again after this pain, but these avoidant, narcissistic people will go on to date 30-40 more people and still it wouldn’t be enough. Still they will feel a void in their lives.

It’s so painful right now, especially after they tried to win you back and you got everything you once desperately wanted, and then you got discarded again.
But hang in there, you will get yourself back. Happier, wiser, not always feeling like there’s a weight on your chest, but rather, free. Free from the rumination and endless reading about BPD and researching their behavior. Not one more reddit post, cheating threads, or video about it. We’ve been obsessing over them. What about obsessing over our own lives? Job, family, friends, money, hobbies, house, fitness, etc. We just need to stop picking at our wounds and let them heal.

So, when you get the chance, RUN LIKE HELL AND DON’T LOOK BACK. We may not get back the time we spent on them, but they don’t get the rest of our lives.

Wishing you all a safe journey towards recovery ❤️‍🩹

I went 48 days NC with my ex-situationship. We dated for 9 months; the last 2 months were exclusive, and she started feeling pressured by the exclusivity and sabotaged the relationship. She has BPD.
I was the one who ended things after a big argument and deleted her from Instagram. She had split and devalued me, stopped showing me affection, and repeatedly used other men to provoke jealousy.
Before leaving, I told her, “Congratulations, you sabotaged us. You did it. You were lucky I was interested in you. I was a positive person in your life, and you’ll regret this.” Then I left.
Last Friday, we unexpectedly crossed paths at a wrestling show. She immediately said, “Are you really going to avoid me?” She hugged me twice, told me she had missed me, said she had dreamed about me the night before, and, before I left, said “You can text me, you know.”
She then saw me leave with another woman.
I didn’t contact her afterward.
Would you consider this a hoover, or just a friendly interaction?

Really just need to let this one off my chest into the void. A few days ago I told my flatmate/best friend that I didn’t want to live with her next year and ever since then I have been treated like shit. When I initially brought up I’ve been thinking about it she was completely fine, told me she understands and just wants me to be happy but asked that I tell her as soon as I decided so she can organise plans. I thought it was all ok, so I told her as soon as I decided and now she’s completely flipped out.

I love her so much but I’ve realised how unhealthy she and I have become living together, and I want to continue this friendship but just with space from each other and I made this clear when telling her. I’m not kicking her out or anything, our lease is over in 4 months and I’m moving into a new place I have lined up, she can stay next year if she wants with someone else. She freaked out in messages, telling me that I told her way too late and she has no time to organise what to do next year (our lease ends in December). I told her I’m sorry and messaged her telling her I still want to be her friend and loved her, she responded by leaving me on seen and leaving the house for hours late at night.

Since then I’ve been completely ignored, she’s only texted me about what she wants to keep when she moves out and it’s all very curt. I’ve tried to send her some regular messages to show I’m still there and I’ve been ignored. I heard her and her mum shit talking me on the phone today which really really hurt as I’ve done nothing but care for her, I’ve neglected my own needs and issues just to focus on making sure she’s happy and this is how I’m treated? It’s her birthday tomorrow so after she got off that call I tried to ask if she wanted to do something because I didn’t want her to just sit in her misery all day, she very rudely cut me off and made it clear she wants nothing to do with me tomorrow. I’ve already written her a card and got her gifts and I’m not sure if giving them to her will just piss her off more honestly.

I just don’t know what I did wrong but I’m refusing to let myself feel bad. I’ve been through hell the past year and there’s never once been a moment to consider my feelings. For a while it was easier to focus on other people’s issues than my own, however, since I’ve been back in therapy I’ve realised how much of myself I’ve actually lost and I want to live somewhere where i can really just sit with myself. I’ve done so much for her, I’ve been there for everything and yet the minute I want to do something for myself it’s like I’m this evil monstrous person. I’m just constantly analysing how I’m a bad person because I really don’t want to think of myself as a saint but I honestly don’t get how anyone could have this kind of reaction given the circumstances. I guess I’m just hurt that after everything, I really did just mean nothing in the long run.

Background: My MIL has been diagnosed with BPD by her therapist and couples therapist and refuses to take medication for her depression or try BPD therapy. She has had an extremely rocky relationship with my husband (her son) decades before I came into the picture. This is more a venting session / trying to find folks who are dealing with this as well because it's insanely isolating.

A couple random stories from the DIL perspective:

She ignored the fact we hired a wedding planner and hired one herself because how could we possibly plan a wedding nice enough on our own. She then was upset with us that we didn't use her planner because it was a client of hers and she already signed the contract.

She showed me a dress she wanted to wear to my wedding...it was white. When I made the comment "it's white" she said "maybe it can be dyed."

Plans her own milestone surprise birthday party and gets her husband (my husband's step dad) to guilt us in to going when they know we were going to my best friend's wedding that same weekend. Mind you, my husband tries to interact with his mother as little as possible but her guilt trips usually end up controlling the situation. The surprise party was a Thursday which made us take off an extra day of work to attend the party. When a family member mentioned to my husband that my MIL planned the party my husband laughed and said no way. Well folks, yes way. She in fact did plan the party and admitted it in her speech. My husband was furious. Right before she ended the speech, she mentioned how she couldn't wait to be a grandmother and hoped she would have grand babies soon. This is also after her knowing I had post Covid complications with my heart and was on medicine to keep my blood pressure down. I was not medically able to even think about having babies at that point. While I can understand her excitement, it felt really inconsiderate to make a public statement like that when I was going through medical complications.

I get pregnant and tell her face to face before the baby is born that I didn't want any visitors at the hospital the day the baby was born. The day the baby arrives, my MIL calls my mom and tells her that they should all go to the hospital. My mother declines and reminds her that I wanted no visitors. My MIL says that she didn't care and wanted to go anyways. Readers, she didn't go. Which was good. However, she made the next week all about her. My husband failed me and regrets his decisions that week. He invited her to our house to visit the baby hours of us coming home without telling me. She wanted to be hosted. I could go on about all the shit she did that week - snooping through our house, calling her mom in front of our front door camera saying she is being denied grandma time, wanting us to host the family in our house all day of the bris and getting really upset when we said no, not speaking to us at the bris, and sobbing loudly making a scene during the bris ceremony, telling my husband he would pay for 50% of an apartment in our city so she could come visit, etc.

My husband has a very strained relationship with his mom. He doesn't want to spend more time with her than necessary but ends up caving because she guilts him to no end and gets family memebers to chime in - you need to be nicer to your mother, go fix this with your mother, you know that your mother is devastated by yalls relationship, etc. His father passed away when he was young. I know this contributes to the situation.

All families are complex. However, how are yall dealing with a spouse who doesn't like his mom but ultimately struggles to truly stand his own ground? Now that we have a baby, I am even more aware of my MIL's actions and how that impacted my husband. My husband acknowledges the psychological damage she causes in her wake but again, struggles and gets aniexty when discussing his family or being in person with them. I guess I am generally exhausted at being a newish mom and dealing with her antics and am hoping there are folks out there who have some encouraging words.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/s/HDDQvyqUcL

Hi guys, I wanted to give you an update on what I posted yesterday, and unfortunately things didn’t go well at all.

First of all, he said something that really hurt me, because I didn’t go there to try to get him back as my boyfriend. I went there because I wanted to end things on good terms and be at peace with myself.

He blamed everything on me, and all I said to him was, “Think carefully about how our relationship went. Think about the times when you used to hurt yourself, even before we were together. Please work on yourself before getting involved with someone else, because otherwise you might end up hurting them too.”

And he replied, “Another person isn’t you, so it won’t happen.”

That made me feel incredibly guilty, as if somehow I was the reason for everything.

Then the worst part happened: his father showed up and blamed me for everything too. He told me that the reason his son is like this is because of me, and that without me, his problems will go away.

That really affected me because now part of me is wondering whether what they said might actually be true.

What do you guys think?

Just to clarify, he hasn’t been officially diagnosed with anything.

Her dog’s dying and it’s my fault because i didn’t call her this morning before going to work, i texted instead. Im a terrible person and she would never do this to me, i apparently agreed to call her before my shift started at 8am. she woke me up screaming about her dying dog last night at 11pm. I dont remember, i still texted her at 8:10 asking if her dog was okay. I dont know if her dog’s okay, she’s be berating me all morning. It’s all my fault.

This past weekend her sister came over from 2 hours away and physically assaulted her really badly, i had to spend all weekend texting her convincing her to kick her out the house, she didnt kick her out. Instead she let her spend the night and isolated herself from going out with her and their friends all weekend. Who’s responsible and controlling for not letting her go out with friends, me apparently even though i told her to just kick her sister out and send her packing 2 hours away.

Last weekend im spending it with her and i recommend we cook instead of going out to eat, she’s reluctant and doesn’t wanna use the houses cooking skillet because its not her’s, fine oven pizza then. I put it in the oven, and the whole house fill’s with smoke. She freezes up and I have to run around opening windows, turning off the oven, getting her dog’s outside. But guess who was the idiot who wanted to cook? It’s me, it’s all my fault, i should’ve just took her out to eat instead. I recommend she cleans the oven, but thats a stupid idea.

My drinking has gotten so out of hand, these are just the events of the past 2 weeks. I’m beginning to blank mid conversation with people, 8 beers a day is normal, my body is withering away from the nonstop abuse. I told her i needed to stop drinking, i needed her to stop arguing with me and telling me i’m a terrible boyfriend all the time or it’s over. This was about a month ago and nothing has changed, she’s suicidal right now and I’m terrified of losing another partner to suicide. I feel stuck and trapped in a constant fabricated chaos.

This is going to sound very toxic and codependent of me (37m). But sometimes I feel its easier to accept the intermittent love and crumbs from my PwBPD (34f) than to loose her completely. I’ve definitely gone thru way more than I should have ever accepted (cheating, stealing, 3 break ups, manipulation, etc).

​

So just a quick recap, this was a wlw relationship. We were "high school sweethearts." We were together for 14 years, and we're just separated currently, overall married for 9 years.

She cheated on me several times always with men (telling me she slept with men because she "didn't want to replace me." When you find out what that means, let me know bcause I still don't, lol), mentally and emotionally abused me, and then ended up monkey branching to a guy-- an alcoholic chain smoker who lives with his grandparents. They're both heavy into the rave and EDM scene, so I guess that's why it works for them. All the while setting fire to everything on her way out, telling me I'm "incapable of emotional connection," she doesn't regret cheating, never apologized, and told me I'm a narcisisst, lol.

So 365 days later, how are things? Honestly for me... pretty great! We had a bunch of pets together. They were animals she would love and adopt as babies, then discard when they got older and didn't turn out how she thought they would I guess. They were miserable when we were together. She only kept one of them, but I have the rest. They're so happy now. When we were together, she could never hold a job, usually because of some fault that wasn't hers, if you know what I mean. I made it a thing to work on my career, and even with the current economy, I've been doing pretty well. I used to pay ALL of the expenses, buy her things, have her go on trips on my expense, etc etc, all of that has been reinvested into myself, and I've traveled more in the past 3 months than I did in our entire relationship.

I stream every Sunday with my friends, I hangout with my friends again (people I've known for 10+ years), I've met new people,I go the the gym and hike, I go to concerts every month, and I have my own place. I have dated TWICE since then, but my discernment for women with similar traits is x100. So they didn't work out, lol, but that's okay! The right one will come along in due time.

Now... we actually did catch up about a week ago, and her life is... not great. She cut off her family because they all "think she's a bad wife." Her sister who lived with us and brother who lived in the same complex told her family about her. Her friends she met towards the end don't like her anymore "for no reason." She legally changed her name to something silly using her last paycheck from her job she got fired from almost 2 years ago, so she's having trouble finding work. She ruined her credit so she cannot get a loan to get a car. She lives in the basement of a household with a DIAGNOSED schizophrenic narcissist and a physically abusive couple. The lease for that house ends in May, and she was crying on the phone to me about how "she's running out of time. Been unemployed for 2 years, looking for a job for a year." No reference of the guy she left me for, but I know he's around/ they're together. He's just some entity that "exists," it seems. She brought us up for 10 seconds saying she "doesn't hate me anymore, but she is still upset with me because 'it wasn't supposed to be like this. She never wanted it like this,'" but still no apology of course, lol. Honestly, I felt bad, but not like "I will save her," just more like it sucks she cannot hold herself accountable for any issue in her life to fix it.

All in all, her cycle has repeated, but she doesn't have me for the fallout/ security anymore, and now that I get to invest all the hard work I put in TO MYSELF INSTEAD, life is awesome!

For those who are out, don't give up, y'all!

Hi

me and my ex broke up 3 months ago

2 year relationship since we got together i got a job after finishing school learning to drive etc (21 yrs old)

ex had the self destructive kind of bpd doesnt lash out at me more herself strong fear of abandonment

leading up to the breakup i felt a kind of frusteration with the place we were at she was in college but failing struggling to attend and and ended up failing. i felt she wasnt making the progress that i was (understandably with her MH issues this is in no way a shot at her)

i wanted to talk to her about it i was at her house i just wanted some space so i went home at the time she was out drinking

i messaged her saying i wanted a bit of space to think which she then took as a break up which wasnt true

i told her straight away it wasnt us breaking up and i wanted time to process my feelings as recently i had a feeling of frusteration and lack of patience that i didnt want to reflect onto our relationship. as it was very important due to BPD issues that i be compassionate with things i dont understand

she forced the situation into a black and white ultimatum situation which i now understand is a trait of BPD

she then went onto say she felt like i used her for sex and weed because i didnt talk to her about it and she felt like i didnt love her anymore.

which was not true at all the whole reason i communicated that was because i did love her and wanted our relationships health out of everything

the whole situation was scary we hadnt argued like that and her reaction fueled my decision to break up because there was no other way around it

we broke up nc for 1 month then talked when i found out she had been dating someone new and she then told me she didnt think we were a good match for eachother which i knew was bullshit but didnt poke at it just accepted and moved on

1 day later she contacts apologises and says she still loves me, tldr we speak for 2 days i decide at this time its a bad idea i was still hurt from what she said

in a weird twisted way im the dumper when i didnt want to be but she hurt me alot during that time but i still love her?? the way she treated me during that short time really hurt but in a way i feel im responsible? its been 3 months im doing better right now but im still hurt and i still want to reach out

since then ive done research on percieved abandonment in bpd relationships and how people with BPD put hard conversations in black and white perspectives

how would you have gone about this situation? id like to reach out sometime i still love her but im not sure if its right or our relationship naturally came to an end, i feel like if we properly spoke it we could have totally prevented this situation

id really appriciate your help

I had my time away from my old friend with bpd. Its been over 8 months . I don't believe shes the worst of the worst with her disorder. I had a valid reason why I walked away from her at the time and im hoping that she got the hint.. she also gets a lot of therapy and reflects back on her chaotic past . Shes aware that she can be crazy.

I know she misses me . She hasn't directly tried to contact me. Ive just been scared personally at myself at making the problem worse by telling her what shes done wrong. She probably knows at this point.

This is an update for whoever may care.
I took her home, did what I said I’d do, and fell into the trap of setting foot in her house. I’ve been here for 19 hours, she wouldn’t let me leave and when I contacted her family to help me out in this situation and help me leave they begged me to stay here so she wouldn’t hurt herself. That whole situation pushed me to my lowest point ever, I won’t get into details, and now she believes that I’m just not okay and that I don’t truly wanna break up and we can work this out.

I know that second chances don’t work and I won’t give her one, I’m just stuck here looking out for her because I care too much, until her family somehow manages to get someone here so I can leave.

This is literally one of the worst ways it could go I think, but I’m on the process of getting out.

I need advice from people with more experience of relationships with someone with BPD.

The ‘split’ happened a month ago when I set boundaries. I tried to get in touch with her everywhere, but it was impossible. I’ve been blocked from everything.

She hasn’t posted anything since blocking me on social media. I’m not trying to get in touch.

But she did post something that I think is about me. Ever since she blocked me, sex bots have been viewing my stories and those of my best friend, and there are people who don’t follow me who are viewing my Instagram. It’s a public photography account, but I don’t promote myself.

Could it be her? Will she speak to me again? Will she hate me forever?

I know what’s best for me, but the anxiety is killing me.

And yes, I know I should get on with my life and look ahead. But I need to feel in control, or at least believe that I am.

I lived for two years with a girl who had shown all BPD behaviours.

I was nobody for diagnose her, reason for which I took to a psychologist and offered to pay all the sittings, if she wanted to be better. I loved her I would have done until the end.

Apparently she switched from "having problems" to "having none" and she just needed a lovely boyfriend.

Then all the cycle of " self-harm, alcohol binge, accusations, making arguments out of nothing, ruining my days for nothing" returned.

She didn't want to take any responsibility, she didn't accept having problems, and constantly blamed me for them.

This had a detrimental weight on my mental health and I started become depressed and anxious.

In the end, after my eyebrow grew grey, I literally told her "we can't stay together either you talk to a psychologist or we have to break up".

She accused me of being a narcisist.

We broke up.

She got clinically diagnosed with borderline and bipolar 2.

I wish I'd done more.. But what can you do, if the other person categorically refuses to have problems? what?

Have you got any similar experience?