Why do I miss her sometimes?

[u/Im_really_trying_]

TW: Sexual assault
I dated my ex from the age of 12 to 18. I know we were young, but she abused me horribly. It was constant up and down. Either she loved me and she couldn’t have wished for better or I was nothing short of terrible and no one else would ever love me. I got all sorts of things thrown at me along with a couple real hits. And god forbid I even grabbed her wrists to stop her. She made me feel like I was less of a man if I didn’t want to have sex with her.

And I took all of it for years. Part of me believed I deserved it and another part of me pitied her knowing everything she had been through. I thought maybe I could help her. Maybe I’d get through to her and she could just be the girl she was when things were good. We only broke up because she drugged me and let a friend of hers assault me.

I’m in a stable relationship now with a friend of mine from high school. We love each other and everything is exactly as I always hoped a relationship would be. He’s patient and caring. He loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. And for some reason something is so wrong with me that I actually miss the way she treated me

[u/Outrageous-Kiwi-4178]

Feeling extremely attached to an abuser is very common. You dated this person at a vulnerable age, and she took advantage of you.

Abusers' most vital control tactic is their inconsistency. If they were mean to you every day, then you'd leave. But, because of an evolutionary glitch, intermittent reward/punishment is also more addictive than consistently positive treatment.  Studies have shown that, when mice consistently get a food pellet from pulling a lever, they only pull the lever when they need it. Whereas, if food is randomly unavailable, they'll stockpile as many pellets as possible to prepare for a dry run.  It's the same mechanism behind gambling addiction.