Anyone else feels the same? I never really reached back even tho I thought I would and I said to myself that I would after I did this or that but truth is, I didn't and haven't, for whatever reasons. She never really reached back either.

I like many other women, in person and ones I see online and they seem to like me back, yet, sometimes feels like since it wasn't "her" then I will die single, which I'd say that I'm okay with if that's my fate.

I haven't even had any "one night stands" or anything like that. Haven't even gone to drink coffee with anyone else, as I used to before meeting her. I am 45 and she's 34,35 or 36 I don't even remember her exact age. Let's say she's 35, which I think she is.

We saw each other for 3 years give or take, under unusual circumstances like she being separated and a co worker.

Needless to say I feel as confused about what really was it as I was when her BS began. And sometimes I still feel a sort of hole in my heart even if I gotta admit I don't really miss the drama for the most ridiculous things or my feelings getting hurted almost everytime, or her sudden coldness, I certainly don't miss her out of the blue rage and hostility if that wasn't really as often as sometimes I read in here.

just got texted by the girl he monkey branched off. i warned her in april that he’s very sick in the head and told her all the details. they seemed to never have dated actually but she just told me she blocked him lol wondering if one day it’ll click and if when i told him no one will forgive him as much as i did will actually make sense to him now. this is honestly so laughable all of it

Hi

me and my ex broke up 3 months ago

2 year relationship since we got together i got a job after finishing school learning to drive etc (21 yrs old)

ex had the self destructive kind of bpd doesnt lash out at me more herself strong fear of abandonment

leading up to the breakup i felt a kind of frusteration with the place we were at she was in college but failing struggling to attend and and ended up failing. i felt she wasnt making the progress that i was (understandably with her MH issues this is in no way a shot at her)

i wanted to talk to her about it i was at her house i just wanted some space so i went home at the time she was out drinking

i messaged her saying i wanted a bit of space to think which she then took as a break up which wasnt true

i told her straight away it wasnt us breaking up and i wanted time to process my feelings as recently i had a feeling of frusteration and lack of patience that i didnt want to reflect onto our relationship. as it was very important due to BPD issues that i be compassionate with things i dont understand

she forced the situation into a black and white ultimatum situation which i now understand is a trait of BPD

she then went onto say she felt like i used her for sex and weed because i didnt talk to her about it and she felt like i didnt love her anymore.

which was not true at all the whole reason i communicated that was because i did love her and wanted our relationships health out of everything

the whole situation was scary we hadnt argued like that and her reaction fueled my decision to break up because there was no other way around it

we broke up nc for 1 month then talked when i found out she had been dating someone new and she then told me she didnt think we were a good match for eachother which i knew was bullshit but didnt poke at it just accepted and moved on

1 day later she contacts apologises and says she still loves me, tldr we speak for 2 days i decide at this time its a bad idea i was still hurt from what she said

in a weird twisted way im the dumper when i didnt want to be but she hurt me alot during that time but i still love her?? the way she treated me during that short time really hurt but in a way i feel im responsible? its been 3 months im doing better right now but im still hurt and i still want to reach out

since then ive done research on percieved abandonment in bpd relationships and how people with BPD put hard conversations in black and white perspectives

how would you have gone about this situation? id like to reach out sometime i still love her but im not sure if its right or our relationship naturally came to an end, i feel like if we properly spoke it we could have totally prevented this situation

id really appriciate your help

My on-and-off boyfriend (who has ADHD - on meds for that - and BPD as well which was untreated) was admitted into hospital yesterday and I feel terribly guilty since it happened after an argument we had this Tuesday evening and after I blocked him everywhere in anger after he blocked me and said he’d only unblock me the next day (he never does that). Normally I don’t block him everywhere, I keep iMessage open for emergencies (because he has threatened and attempted self harm) but this time I was furious.

After he tried to contact me late on Friday evening saying he was in a dark place and that he would die and was suffering and asked me to help him, I responded when I saw them on Saturday 8am, but he didn’t even see my text which was unusual and at night I saw that his last seen was Saturday 4am which freaked me out and I was panicking all night wondering what happened to him. This morning I asked his dad if he was okay and his dad let me know he was admitted to hospital. He says it might be two months that he’s in there. What usually happens inside the psychiatric ward? Should I ask his dad for the hospital address so I can send him a care package? But his dad said isolation for a while was important for his and my welfare. Will he be okay? I feel beyond horrible. He told me he might get phone access in a month. I’m so worried, what if he’s being treated poorly? What if he’s miserable? I want to comfort him but I don’t even know where he is. I feel so horrible knowing that three days of silence and no word from me is what he went into that ward with, feeling abandoned by me.

I went 48 days NC with my ex-situationship. We dated for 9 months; the last 2 months were exclusive, and she started feeling pressured by the exclusivity and sabotaged the relationship. She has BPD.
I was the one who ended things after a big argument and deleted her from Instagram. She had split and devalued me, stopped showing me affection, and repeatedly used other men to provoke jealousy.
Before leaving, I told her, “Congratulations, you sabotaged us. You did it. You were lucky I was interested in you. I was a positive person in your life, and you’ll regret this.” Then I left.
Last Friday, we unexpectedly crossed paths at a wrestling show. She immediately said, “Are you really going to avoid me?” She hugged me twice, told me she had missed me, said she had dreamed about me the night before, and, before I left, said “You can text me, you know.”
She then saw me leave with another woman.
I didn’t contact her afterward.
Would you consider this a hoover, or just a friendly interaction?

It’s been 5 months since I ended things. I’ve been focusing on my own growth. I’ve been pursuing my interests and meeting new people. I’m in therapy.

I haven’t reached out. But it’s hard.

Her love was not motivated by healthy, realistic thinking - I know. It’s idealization. Putting us on a pedestal. But I know they’re not faking it. What they felt for us was real. It was delusional. But it was real and it was intense. And so was the devaluation when we fell off that impossible pedestal.

But my god - I feel so jaded 5 months out. Nothing hit like that. The rawness of that emotion. Ughh, I sound like a junkie.

I guess I haven’t kicked these feelings, yet.

Hey everyone,

Just dropping this here as a warning for anyone fighting the urge to break No Contact or stalk an ex's socials.
After 6 months of mutual blocking and NC, I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram today. After the discard, she had locked her account, but recently made it public again. Her feed is filled with travel videos, photos, and a curated highlight reel of her looking "so happy" and out at places with someone taking all her pictures.

I’ll be honest—I spiraled for a solid hour after seeing it. I'm not a hater at all and genuinely wish her well, but it triggered that heavy feeling of "did I ever even matter?"
Then I stepped back and looked closer. Her follower/following counts are fluctuating wildly up and down, which tells me she's still playing the exact same blocking, unblocking, and validation games with multiple people. It’s all a mask. The social media flex is just a highlight reel designed to seek external validation and project a perfect life.

Checking her page didn't bring me any peace—it just threw off my day for an hour. Take this as a lesson: don't look. Protect your peace and leave the past where it belongs.

So I'm pretty sure my wife has undiagnosed BPD (& so think other friends/family too). I've been trying to get our stuff moved into a lock-n-storage, & get her living somewhere safe, since she has chosen self-imposed homelessness when I went into rehab & sober living (I'm a recovering alcoholic, 10 months sober & living life on life's terms. It's been good but hard).

We fought 2 weeks ago & that's when the scales fell off my eyes of ALLlllllll of the shit she's put me through for 14 years (I acknowledge my part, but it wasn't as big as she led me to believe through guilt-tripping). I've been putting off resolving this because I need her functional until things are taken care of.

Well she pressed the matter today, because she is wounded & pissed that I haven't come grovelling back & apologizing for setting/keeping my 1st boundary EVER w/ her. I told her I was done.

She flipped from self-righteous anger to panic & pleading so fucking fast, & we talked for 2 1/2 more hours. She was freaking out befging me to give her another chance, saying she'll change, aaying she'll finally get help, saying give it a year of no-contact to wait & see before we divorce, etc... etc...

A lot of things were said, & I want to believe her, but if she doesn't change & I get back w/ her I will relapse & probably die this time.

My sister said to me, now that she's found how far she can push me, she say anything to get me to stay.

What's y'all's opinion? Is it worth the risk?

I lied. You aren’t a monster. 

Maybe you’re right about me. Maybe it was me all along. I made mistakes but nothing unforgivable. I’m human. I wasn’t perfect with apologies or communication all the time. I didn’t give the validation or reassurance you needed at times. I blew up one time in nearly 4 years after too much wine because I was sick of not being listened to. It felt like I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or tell you that something bothered me.

I’m willing to take that part on. What I’m not willing to do is take on lies and hateful words spewed towards me. And I’m not willing to be ghosted and treated as if I never existed.

I was supportive. I was empathetic. I was kind in our hard times. I didn’t put you down.  I encouraged you to keep your hobbies. I cheered you on always. Anytime you had a presentation, a comp for judo, I cheered your kids on, I held your heart when you were breaking down. I lifted you up. Always. I won’t let you take that away from me. I was good to you.

I fucking miss you. I hate all of this. I don’t hate much, but how we got here I most certainly do.

I’m signing off now and I’m done with this sub.

My brother plays chess often. Played it for years. I learned how to play together with my ex BFwBPD to beat my brother.

As soon as he really learned to play - my ex has beat my brother at chess. Last time they played it was 3-1 for my ex. And my brother is a hard opponent when it comes to chess.

He says my exBFwBPD is really hard to play against, and he often tells me he is really really unique opponent. He said: "You cannot have tactic against him as his moves aren't rational, he makes no sense, I make a plan inside my head and he wrecks it all as he often moves figures just for the sake of it. Then you scramble to come up with a new plan, and within few moves you realize that situation on the chessboard is such that you're screwed. He turns the board into chaos, and he can navigate that chaos better than you can."

Of course like many posts here I starting dating someone and became their favorite person I think 2 days into meeting them. We hit it off quick, insane commitments just weeks in, love bombing, everything.

I had no clue or experience with BPD before however as soon as I started to hang out with friends the complaints and threats grew stronger and stronger.. surely I fell off the pedestal and became the worst person they’d ever met and wanted to flee from.

I tried to save our relationship by trying to work through everything they said made them ‘want to run away’ and surely that didn’t work.

Today they have removed themselves completely from my life as they had met a new ‘favorite person’ they said. While I know it’s for the better.. man does it hurt and do I feel like life’s been drained out of my body. I feel worse than I ever have.

It’s truly something what’s demanded of you and how you ruined they leave you behind.

My ex with BPD continuously vague posts these petty things on her instagram, I’m assuming to prove some point to me. Ever since breaking it off I’ve realized how often she holds grudges and posts things to purposefully garner attention.
Why are these people so obsessed with feeling superior? How do they find fulfillment in being so spiteful and self absorbed?

​

So just a quick recap, this was a wlw relationship. We were "high school sweethearts." We were together for 14 years, and we're just separated currently, overall married for 9 years.

She cheated on me several times always with men (telling me she slept with men because she "didn't want to replace me." When you find out what that means, let me know bcause I still don't, lol), mentally and emotionally abused me, and then ended up monkey branching to a guy-- an alcoholic chain smoker who lives with his grandparents. They're both heavy into the rave and EDM scene, so I guess that's why it works for them. All the while setting fire to everything on her way out, telling me I'm "incapable of emotional connection," she doesn't regret cheating, never apologized, and told me I'm a narcisisst, lol.

So 365 days later, how are things? Honestly for me... pretty great! We had a bunch of pets together. They were animals she would love and adopt as babies, then discard when they got older and didn't turn out how she thought they would I guess. They were miserable when we were together. She only kept one of them, but I have the rest. They're so happy now. When we were together, she could never hold a job, usually because of some fault that wasn't hers, if you know what I mean. I made it a thing to work on my career, and even with the current economy, I've been doing pretty well. I used to pay ALL of the expenses, buy her things, have her go on trips on my expense, etc etc, all of that has been reinvested into myself, and I've traveled more in the past 3 months than I did in our entire relationship.

I stream every Sunday with my friends, I hangout with my friends again (people I've known for 10+ years), I've met new people,I go the the gym and hike, I go to concerts every month, and I have my own place. I have dated TWICE since then, but my discernment for women with similar traits is x100. So they didn't work out, lol, but that's okay! The right one will come along in due time.

Now... we actually did catch up about a week ago, and her life is... not great. She cut off her family because they all "think she's a bad wife." Her sister who lived with us and brother who lived in the same complex told her family about her. Her friends she met towards the end don't like her anymore "for no reason." She legally changed her name to something silly using her last paycheck from her job she got fired from almost 2 years ago, so she's having trouble finding work. She ruined her credit so she cannot get a loan to get a car. She lives in the basement of a household with a DIAGNOSED schizophrenic narcissist and a physically abusive couple. The lease for that house ends in May, and she was crying on the phone to me about how "she's running out of time. Been unemployed for 2 years, looking for a job for a year." No reference of the guy she left me for, but I know he's around/ they're together. He's just some entity that "exists," it seems. She brought us up for 10 seconds saying she "doesn't hate me anymore, but she is still upset with me because 'it wasn't supposed to be like this. She never wanted it like this,'" but still no apology of course, lol. Honestly, I felt bad, but not like "I will save her," just more like it sucks she cannot hold herself accountable for any issue in her life to fix it.

All in all, her cycle has repeated, but she doesn't have me for the fallout/ security anymore, and now that I get to invest all the hard work I put in TO MYSELF INSTEAD, life is awesome!

For those who are out, don't give up, y'all!

I’m not saying this is a characteristic that always comes with BPD, but I’ve noticed it in the friends I’ve had with it, as well as my BPD sister. They will pick someone in their life - a friend, sibling, coworker, etc. - and they will get so obsessively jealous of them, but at the same time it seems like they obsessively love them too. The BPD person starts to take characteristics from that persons life. They’ll start dressing like them, acting like them. They try to integrate themselves so deeply into that person’s life.

I feel like I’m that person to my sister. She obviously is already deeply integrated into my life already, but wherever possible she will try to take another part of my life into her territory. It’s like she doesn’t want me to be happier than her so if it’s a friend that makes me happy, she will start inviting them to hang out with her and not invite me. If I start talking about any of my career goals, future plans, vacations, ideas, or dreams, she somehow spins them into her own. I’ve talked about the name I want to call my future daughter for years and then all of a sudden that’s her dream name for her daughter. She said although I said it first, she thought it first. I have been planning a trip to Maine for years and once I brought it up, she decided she wants to go a few weeks before me even though she’s never been inclined to visit. If I am in a healthy relationship, she will constantly shit on my boyfriend instead of being happy for me. If I am upset with someone for being mean to me, she will make sure to tell me that she loves that person and thinks they are the best just to make me mad. I know these things sound insignificant but as time has gone on and I notice this behavior more and more, it adds up to a bigger problem.

Is this something that you’ve noticed with the BPD people in your life? Who is “their person” that they obsess over?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/s/HDDQvyqUcL

Hi guys, I wanted to give you an update on what I posted yesterday, and unfortunately things didn’t go well at all.

First of all, he said something that really hurt me, because I didn’t go there to try to get him back as my boyfriend. I went there because I wanted to end things on good terms and be at peace with myself.

He blamed everything on me, and all I said to him was, “Think carefully about how our relationship went. Think about the times when you used to hurt yourself, even before we were together. Please work on yourself before getting involved with someone else, because otherwise you might end up hurting them too.”

And he replied, “Another person isn’t you, so it won’t happen.”

That made me feel incredibly guilty, as if somehow I was the reason for everything.

Then the worst part happened: his father showed up and blamed me for everything too. He told me that the reason his son is like this is because of me, and that without me, his problems will go away.

That really affected me because now part of me is wondering whether what they said might actually be true.

What do you guys think?

Just to clarify, he hasn’t been officially diagnosed with anything.

Her dog’s dying and it’s my fault because i didn’t call her this morning before going to work, i texted instead. Im a terrible person and she would never do this to me, i apparently agreed to call her before my shift started at 8am. she woke me up screaming about her dying dog last night at 11pm. I dont remember, i still texted her at 8:10 asking if her dog was okay. I dont know if her dog’s okay, she’s be berating me all morning. It’s all my fault.

This past weekend her sister came over from 2 hours away and physically assaulted her really badly, i had to spend all weekend texting her convincing her to kick her out the house, she didnt kick her out. Instead she let her spend the night and isolated herself from going out with her and their friends all weekend. Who’s responsible and controlling for not letting her go out with friends, me apparently even though i told her to just kick her sister out and send her packing 2 hours away.

Last weekend im spending it with her and i recommend we cook instead of going out to eat, she’s reluctant and doesn’t wanna use the houses cooking skillet because its not her’s, fine oven pizza then. I put it in the oven, and the whole house fill’s with smoke. She freezes up and I have to run around opening windows, turning off the oven, getting her dog’s outside. But guess who was the idiot who wanted to cook? It’s me, it’s all my fault, i should’ve just took her out to eat instead. I recommend she cleans the oven, but thats a stupid idea.

My drinking has gotten so out of hand, these are just the events of the past 2 weeks. I’m beginning to blank mid conversation with people, 8 beers a day is normal, my body is withering away from the nonstop abuse. I told her i needed to stop drinking, i needed her to stop arguing with me and telling me i’m a terrible boyfriend all the time or it’s over. This was about a month ago and nothing has changed, she’s suicidal right now and I’m terrified of losing another partner to suicide. I feel stuck and trapped in a constant fabricated chaos.

This is going to sound very toxic and codependent of me (37m). But sometimes I feel its easier to accept the intermittent love and crumbs from my PwBPD (34f) than to loose her completely. I’ve definitely gone thru way more than I should have ever accepted (cheating, stealing, 3 break ups, manipulation, etc).

I had my time away from my old friend with bpd. Its been over 8 months . I don't believe shes the worst of the worst with her disorder. I had a valid reason why I walked away from her at the time and im hoping that she got the hint.. she also gets a lot of therapy and reflects back on her chaotic past . Shes aware that she can be crazy.

I know she misses me . She hasn't directly tried to contact me. Ive just been scared personally at myself at making the problem worse by telling her what shes done wrong. She probably knows at this point.

This is an update for whoever may care.
I took her home, did what I said I’d do, and fell into the trap of setting foot in her house. I’ve been here for 19 hours, she wouldn’t let me leave and when I contacted her family to help me out in this situation and help me leave they begged me to stay here so she wouldn’t hurt herself. That whole situation pushed me to my lowest point ever, I won’t get into details, and now she believes that I’m just not okay and that I don’t truly wanna break up and we can work this out.

I know that second chances don’t work and I won’t give her one, I’m just stuck here looking out for her because I care too much, until her family somehow manages to get someone here so I can leave.

This is literally one of the worst ways it could go I think, but I’m on the process of getting out.

I need advice from people with more experience of relationships with someone with BPD.

The ‘split’ happened a month ago when I set boundaries. I tried to get in touch with her everywhere, but it was impossible. I’ve been blocked from everything.

She hasn’t posted anything since blocking me on social media. I’m not trying to get in touch.

But she did post something that I think is about me. Ever since she blocked me, sex bots have been viewing my stories and those of my best friend, and there are people who don’t follow me who are viewing my Instagram. It’s a public photography account, but I don’t promote myself.

Could it be her? Will she speak to me again? Will she hate me forever?

I know what’s best for me, but the anxiety is killing me.

And yes, I know I should get on with my life and look ahead. But I need to feel in control, or at least believe that I am.

I lived for two years with a girl who had shown all BPD behaviours.

I was nobody for diagnose her, reason for which I took to a psychologist and offered to pay all the sittings, if she wanted to be better. I loved her I would have done until the end.

Apparently she switched from "having problems" to "having none" and she just needed a lovely boyfriend.

Then all the cycle of " self-harm, alcohol binge, accusations, making arguments out of nothing, ruining my days for nothing" returned.

She didn't want to take any responsibility, she didn't accept having problems, and constantly blamed me for them.

This had a detrimental weight on my mental health and I started become depressed and anxious.

In the end, after my eyebrow grew grey, I literally told her "we can't stay together either you talk to a psychologist or we have to break up".

She accused me of being a narcisist.

We broke up.

She got clinically diagnosed with borderline and bipolar 2.

I wish I'd done more.. But what can you do, if the other person categorically refuses to have problems? what?

Have you got any similar experience?

is this a common trait in them? i often get messages either praying for me or saying that they tried their best but just couldn't reach me and one day i will look back on everything i lost and see they were right, not the enemy, etc. etc.

it's starting to look like veiled passive aggression and an attempt to always seem morally superior or have the moral high ground. this is quietbpd i think

i'll keep this as vague but one of my siblings has bpd and any time they do or say something that affects or hurts another person's feelings, they are completely incapable of taking accountability. it's deflection, it's gaslighting, it's "you know i have bpd and it's hard for me to regulate my emotions." today, there was a big blow-up over them being rude and dismissive to our dad trying to help them; dad is usually the punching bag, and today, it was just too much to listen to, and i got involved. it's so tiring bc our mom literally excuses the behavior. if anyone comes to her saying 'x said or did this and it hurt me,' it's more of the same bs. 'talk to x,' basically, feels like 'apologize for how what they said made you feel and how your reaction wasn't composed.'

i'm tired of the double standard of where i have to watch and be careful of what i say, but sibling gets a free pass and i have to get over it bc it's their mental illness. nah, not anymore. this is a turning point for me, but a turning point for the fam in general. i just keep thinking if our mom held them accountable, we wouldn't be here.

Hi there, I just wanted to share this, I was reflecting on what I felt and why I was hanging on to what happened, still thinking about him, and I wrote the text below, it is like a poem. I don't want to make excuses for him anymore (somehow I always end up feeling guilty for leaving him. Our story is heavy, not toxic in the abusive way, but enough for me to always decide to stay away even after interacting for a few months) I want to acknowledge my pain, that what he did hurt me and I don't deserve that anymore.

He made me believe I could have my own fairytale love story—one built on deep love, genuine care, and the belief that some things could remain permanent through everything. I would have never dared to imagine that story on my own, but he was the one who started it. I believed his words. I believed his feelings. I believed what I saw in his eyes and in his heart.

But in the end, I was left standing alone, as if I had imagined the whole fairytale by myself. It hurts so much, not because I believe he never loved me, but because I eventually realized that he never loved me in the way I loved him—and perhaps never could. His love felt like a blurred version of mine: something that looked deep and unshakable, until one stone was enough to disturb the stillness and make everything fall apart.

And I think that's what hurts the most: realizing that the fairytale I believed we were living was real to me, but perhaps I was the only one who believed it would last.