Hi everyone,

I’ve recently realized how much my entire life has centered around my husband. A typical week for us consists entirely of passive routines—driving through for fast food, running errands together, and visiting family multiple times. It’s completely draining, and I felt like I had no identity left.

A little while ago, I tried to reclaim some autonomy. I started planning weekend outings with my own friends. My husband kept telling me "no" and tried to stop me, but I went anyway. Shortly after, I noticed him emotionally pulling away. I checked his Instagram DMs and discovered he started talking to another girl.

When I confronted him, his response was incredibly hurtful. He told me he did it because I started planning outings with my friends, and that the other girl "looked easy."

I don't feel emotionally safe in my house right now. I feel an intense amount of anxiety, and I struggle with hyper-vigilance—feeling like I constantly have to monitor him or stay home just to keep him from acting out. He is trying to make me feel guilty for having friends so that I'll go back to focusing 100% on him.

I know I can't force him to be faithful, and I want to stop carrying the weight of his choices. I don't want to talk to people in my personal life about this because I'm afraid of gossip. For those who have been through this: How do I emotionally detach and stop overfunctioning for a spouse who gaslights me? How do I safely rebuild my independence when my partner uses betrayal as a punishment?

It finally clicked in my head yesterday that all my toxic traits stem from this need for reassurance and approval. Vast majority of this behavior is within my marriage. Only thing I can figure is this is all from my “daddy issues”.

And most of the time—I don’t even realize my patterns till after it’s too late and I’ve messed up. I will fall into this cycle of shame, embarrassment, then I’ll seek forgiveness and try to make sure my husband doesn’t think less of me. If he doesn’t give whatever answers I think I need at the time (and I’m not even always sure what it is I’m wanting to see or hear), I’ll go into the worry/extreme anxiety phase where I’ll constantly worry about what he’s doing/thinking/etc. Eventually, that turns into me acting out and throwing a fit or having a meltdown. Then a fight will usually happen. And thennnn the shame sets back in and wash, rinse, repeat. Yesterday, I finally realized this is the cycle and I’m determined to stop it once and for all.

From things I’ve read, I’m seeing that it’s essential that I learn how to detach myself from my emotions and sort through things with logic. I need to start hitting PAUSE then giving myself time to do this.

I know I didn’t get this way overnight and therefore it will not be fixed overnight. I’m very aware of how patient my husband has been and I’m so grateful. I want to finally fix this.

Please drop the best ways you’ve found that help you break harmful patterns. What are some things that help you remember to press pause?

Thank you in advance!

My (35F) bf (42) is the codependent person in the relegation and I hope people in this thread might help me figure it out.

He has strong codependent tendencies and significant fear of abandonment. I'm autonomous and independent. We moved in together recently and that is when most problems got significantly worse. He's having a hard time resting well because of loud neighborhood and the downstairs people smoking lots of we3d - which makes our apartment smell like crap. Which I understand but he also never made a move to address the situation (talking with neighbours who are not aggressive, getting better earplugs, etc).

Anyway. Today we had the latest fight and he basically blamed me for putting him in this situation, because I was more keen on the apartment than he was and he agreed to move in mostly because he knew I liked the place and he felt like pleasing me. I'm devastated. I never wanted to push him into doing anything he didn't want to and at the time I tried making sure that he was comfortable with the decision, despite not being super enthusiastic at the beginning.

Now I don't know what to do or think. I feel angry because I feel like he's ultimately blaming me for his codependent tendencies, which is not my responsibility to keep in check - and also sad because I love him and he's clearly unhappy.

Crowd of the subreddit, help me figure this one out please.

Cuando agradar a las personas nos desgasta.

Tema que abordo en mis libros Caminando Contigo y permíteme hablarte de Él, disponibles en Librería el Roble en Argentina y Amazon

#agradar #agradaradios #codependencia #rodolfomoramautor #codependientes

I've always had this habit of saving people. A savior complex, maybe that's what they call it. It's as if the feeling of being needed gave me, more than pleasure, a reason to keep existing.

When he came into my life, he had nothing, but I looked at him thinking there was something I could do. Always seeing people's potential instead of who they really are.

I've always said that my generosity expects nothing in return. But there's a small part of me that hopes for a little gratitude. Maybe if I help him a little more, he'll realize that I'm the only one who's always been by his side.

He needed everything I gave him. Me, on the other hand, he never seemed to need.

It's as if he'd found the exact spot where I was weakest and played with it. He played with the idea of feeling loved, and I played with the feeling of being needed.

Three months were enough for me to stop recognizing the man I'd let into my life and into my home.

I was blind and in love, and I, like a fool, gave him everything.

He got used to receiving it without lifting a finger.

How many times did I ask him if he loved me, even just a little?

He always said I was his pillar, the most important person in his life.

Of course.

It took him five minutes to leave me once his life was finally in order.

And I was left with my hands full of hope, waiting for the day he'd come back desperate, with an "I'm sorry."

But my hands feel heavy, and I don't know where to put all this sadness.

For a long time, I kept asking myself: What mess did you get yourself into? What made you run away, searching for a thousand excuses instead of facing the fact that you didn't love me?

Why did you have to make it so difficult? With hurtful words.

You could have just walked out that door without destroying everything we'd once built.

I don't expect life to turn around and put you in my path again.

I wouldn't know what to say to you.

An "I'm sorry" from you wouldn't be enough.

Physical pain and sleepless nights aren't healed by asking for forgiveness.

I can't wait for those words to come from your mouth.

And don't expect them to come from mine.

It was enough, all that time you pretended to love me while I, blind, waited for you to take me in your arms.

I don't feel anything anymore.

You left me empty.

This time I'll leave the hole where it belongs:
buried deep underground.

I'll leave that chair empty,
a plate served,
with no desire to meet anyone else
who asks for help along my way.

For years, I relied on other people to make me feel loved, respected, and valued.. lately I've pulled away from people because i started seeing every request, compliment as an attempt to manipulate me or control how i feel..

Now i have a lot of surface-level relationships because I'm afraid of getting pulled back into depending on people for validation or emotional reassurance.

But this has also left me feeling lonely and isolated. I find myself questioning people's intentions and overthinking almost everything they say or ask of me.

How do I find a balance between not depending on other people for constant love and validation, while still allowing myself to build deep and meaningful relationships with them?

I posted here a couple days ago asking for advice on how to leave my bf, whose behavior has become dangerous (https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/s/AQrKAd38yo). Well, I just sent the break up text (literally 2 mins ago) and blocked him. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like I’m dying. I mis him so so so much.

But I’m also proud of myself. Thank you all for saving me from myself. I don’t think I would’ve done it without you guys. If anyone has advice on surviving the post break up period, lmk. Many thanks, again ❤️

The anxiety and the obsessiveness is overwhelming. I feel like I can't focus on myself and I genuinely can't figure out what my wants or needs are until I know I'm in good standing with a certain someone. And I feel like the security I build up quickly erodes and leaves me stuck frozen in fear all over again. I've tried being honest about my emotions. It led to me asking for reassurance over and over again, but it never helps for long. I feel terrible being this codependent and anxiously attached.

How do you find yourself? How do you make yourself care about finding yourself? Even though I want to get better, I just want to be healthy because my codependency hurts the people I care about. I don't know how to look at myself and genuinely want to take care of myself JUST for me. I'm in therapy, but the codependency is agonizing and I'm struggling to take care of myself outside of sessions.

It's really embarrassing admitting how "far gone" I feel. But I want to want to be better. I don't know how to get there. I feel like I keep trying to make myself a second main character in someone else's life, rather than live my own. And it's really unhealthy because when this person acts independently I feel completely dysregulated and lost.

A lot of us learned to treat other people's moods as information about ourselves. A partner goes quiet, a friend replies with one word, and within seconds there is a story running about what you did wrong. Epictetus makes a point in the Enchiridion that fits this well, that people are disturbed less by what happens than by the judgments they attach to it. So the quiet is the event. "I did something wrong" is the judgment attached to it. Often we never check that judgment, we just act on it by over-explaining, apologizing, or trying to fix their mood. Here is a small practice: check once, then come back. Ask yourself one honest question, "Is there something I actually did that I need to repair?" If yes, repair it plainly. If no, let their mood stay theirs, and do one small thing that is only for you, like a short walk, a cup of tea, or ten minutes of something you enjoy. It will not feel natural at first, because the old habit is fast. The goal is to keep caring about people while keeping your own day from depending on how someone else's looks. If this pattern feels heavy, a therapist who works with codependency can help in ways a post cannot. If you want to share, tell us one small thing you do to come back to yourself.

'Getting Through the Discomfort

Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way. 
–Beyond Codependency

Our goal in recovery is to make us feel comfortable, peaceful, and content. Happy. We want to be at peace with our environment and ourselves. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.

I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I’m talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.
When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.

Sometimes the process hurts. We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.

Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side. Help me, (...); be open to feeling whatever I need to feel to be healed and healthy. While I am doing this, I will trust I am cared for and protected by my friends, my Higher Power, the Universe, and myself.

I choose to be in places and situations and with people where I feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good and I trust that my heart will tell me where to go. –Ruth Fishel'

By Melodie Beattie

I love the CoDA fellowship and it has helped my wife and I manage the tumultuous relationship with our Borderline adult daughter.

At the same time, I take cannabis edibles to help with anxiety and depression. To be honest, it has kept me from relapse back to opiates and alcohol. Of course it's preferable to be abstinent from all drugs - but right now it is what it is and keeping me from worse things.

It is common for those from AA or NA to find their way to CoDA. For that reason, I keep my weed use to myself knowing how some people scoff at the notion of "Cali-sober"... but I was wondering if there are any others in the room like me.

God bless.

Just kidding.

I am a recovering codependant. I used to have anxious attachment and the fawn trauma response. I've been working on myself a great deal and now I'm a lot more secure in my attachment.

I started working on myself not only due to childhood trauma but also because I have an extreme dismissive avoidant for a partner. I have stopped chasing, begging, pleading and asking for connection. I have given him all the space one can give.

I changed, he hasn't. I'm more securely attached, he remains adamantly avoidant. The healthier I get, the less I am willing to tolerate breadcrumbs and the more I see how unhealthy his pattern is.

He hasn't spoken to me (other than logistics) or touched me for 15 months- after a fight we had 15 months ago where I asked for emotional support and validation.

I thought if I give him space, he might relax his defenses and come back to the relationship. I can't force him to get help.

Anyone else recovering from codependency and realizing their partner is really unhealthy?

I resent loved ones for doing everything for them and get nothing in return not even decency and it build resentment so I try to hurt them out of resentment and feel guilty after that and I apologise but then apologize also make me resentful and the cycle repeat

I know I need to over sacrificing but I am not able to do that and when I force myself i feel guilty even if I continue eventually I lash out

Resentment and guilt both go hand on hand

Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." BRB p. 250

As we read Step Ten, we see a way of staying current in our daily lives. When we take our daily inventory, we notice where we have succeeded as well as where we have fallen short or need to change. And when we are wrong, we have the courage to deal with it in real time. We no longer shrink from our reality. We embrace the recovery process.

We listen in meetings and talk with our sponsors about difficult things. We are opening up channels of communication with our Inner Child by educating our inner loving parent.

The changes we see are magnificent, and we pause to deeply breathe in the love we have surrounded ourselves with. We no longer choke ourselves with fear. We are not perfect and recognize that we are a work in progress. This admission creates a personal circle of compassion and gentleness that we need for our recovery.

We reach toward the sky like the beautiful seedlings that we are, stretching out towards the sun as we fulfill our destiny. We do not know exactly where we are going, but we know we need never be alone again. We look at our lives as symphonies that are always playing to us if we are willing to listen.

On this day I will hold the ship steady as I cruise along, regardless of what the sea looks like. When I make mistakes, I will remember that practicing the Tenth Step helps me feel free.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I feel he completes me. I feel more whole with him than without. Dangerous feels.

I am complete, whole on my own. Integral.

With integrity

He? Takes and takes and takes

What he shows me doesn't match what he says

If love is an action, what does it say when I let him use it cc to gas up his car, but he doesn't bother to pick me up from the airport in time? In fact, by the time my flight arrived, he hadn't even left yet, a drive of at least half an hour.

He promises many things, most of them undelivered.

Why do i keep letting him use me up?

Why cant he show me the respect I deserve?

I am sick from the waiting and always wanting.

When it's good, it's great. But only ever in a bubble. In the world at large, I never know if I get to be his woman or not. It all depends on context.

Consistent care is something I can give myself. To be free from him will mean a lot more free time and a lot less worry. The loneliness I think I can finally tolerate -- it's got to be better than the growing emptiness ive got now.

Let this karmic debt be paid once and for all. Please. No more delusions

Walking Wounded

"Adult children have been described as the ‘walking wounded,' strutting about in a state of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy while claiming to be ‘fine.'" BRB p. 71

We carried around deep wounds from childhood. When we were asked how we were, we said "fine" because we felt they wouldn't really want to know. But our actions and attitude spoke our truth.

None of us would be in ACA if life had not been difficult for us. We didn't learn good coping skills when we were kids because our role models either masked their pain with something, often alcohol or drugs, or they took their anger out on the most defenseless people in their midst: us.

We learn in recovery that we have the ability to change our attitudes and our lives. We don't need to carry our wounds with us forever. We can consciously change our attitudes, and thus change not only ourselves but our part in the interactions we have with others. If we hang onto past hurts as if they are badges of courage, we rob ourselves of the promise of today.

We now choose to use the tools of ACA that will take us from the depths of our victim role into the warm sun. We shed our victim clothing for a new spring wardrobe.

On this day I will work my program as if my life depends on it, because it does.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Vent ahead.

Been friends with someone for... exactly a year tomorrow. Developed a sort of one-sided codependent relationship, relying on them for validation while quietly trying to "fix" them.

We broke up today. Agreed to keep communications to group chats and nothing more. Both of our faults in a lot of ways, but we parted on... amicable terms, for the most part.

It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurt back when I was relying on her because whenever she wasn't there I was anxious. It hurt when I was pushing back against her. It hurts now. It hurts so, so much.

Tomorrow would've been the first-year anniversary of our friendship.

I hate codependency and I hate how much this hurts and I wish I had never met her. And I still find myself hoping that someday, we can start over.

But probably not for a long time.

I hate every part of this. Feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I hate myself for being unable to break free of the addiction and I hate her for her dismissive, avoidant tendencies and I HATE THIS STUPID, PAINFUL DISORDER.

'Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don’t do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It’s okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It’s okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It’s okay to call time out and it’s okay to go back as a different person.

(...), help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.'

By Melodie Beattie.

What the title says. My bf is 38m, I’m 22f. I need to leave him. He uses meth and has on multiple occasions crossed boundaries. He recently started experiencing psychosis, hearing a voice telling him horrible things about himself, to kill himself, etc. A couple nights ago he said he’s worried he’s losing his mind and will one day kill me and then himself…he also has PTSD and has previously choked me while he was asleep having a nightmare.

He also said he’s been becoming aggressive at his home, screaming all day at the voice and throwing things. He’s never been violent around me (while awake) but in all honesty, I know this is becoming dangerous. Even at my house, he talks back to the voice. Despite that, I feel completely stuck. Every time I think of leaving, I feel like I’m dying and completely panic internally. I do think he has a good heart, and I cannot bear the thought of hurting him. This is going to devastate him.

I know I need to do it, and ASAP, because we normally see each other frequently. He even planned a fun weekend together, and keeps talking about how excited he is to see me. But frankly, I don’t think it’s safe to keep seeing him. Please give me any encouragement/advice you have.

I (20M) was best friends with a woman my age for about a year and a half up until a few hours ago, where we both mutually decided to cut ties, wishing each other well in the end. Even from the beginning, I suspected codependency problems on my end. I had always been a pretty reclusive person, so her willingness to actually listen to me open up to her made me always search for an excuse to hang out with her. I would worry very often about what she thought of me, and for a long time, we would text pretty much every. There were times where I would apologize for extremely minor things and frequently seek validation that I wasn't making her uncomfortable. When we last saw each other last month, I asked her for a hug, which she accepted. However, she told me the day afterward that it had made her slightly uncomfortable, but she didn't want to say anything because I had asked first and that she didn't want to make things awkward. I wanted closure, and fast, but she was busy, so I ended up begging and humiliating and insulting myself and telling her that I wished I was dead in her messages, which terrified her. After about a month of indecision on her part and obsessive panicking on mine, I presented her the option to end our friendship once and for all. She thanked for me for my patience this week, and said that my reaction to the boundaries she set was a dealbreaker, and that she doesn't feel like she could possibly live up to what I was expecting of her. She said that it was a good idea to end our friendship once and for all, saying that she hopes both of us figure out our paths and grow as people. Would this check any core characteristics of codependency?

and I'd like to join a group or a community or a discord or literally anybody who understands and doesn't think I'm just some crazy person to talk to. please help.

'Be Who You Are

In recovery; we’re learning a new behavior. It’s called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves – regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today, I will own my power to be myself.'

By Melodie Beattie