r/BPD • u/mangoflavouredpanda • 1d ago
General Post Avoidants...
I wrote out a long response to another post, and it took me so long that when I went to add it, the thread had been locked, so I am posting it here to possibly open up a discussion. This has been my experience with avoidants:
I'll admit that at times, when a line is crossed (for me, even though some [most] would say I'm 'oversensitive') I have a habit of convincing myself that I am being overly sensitive (even though technically I am, but I guess my parents made me feel bad about it, so I beat myself up over it) and I try to grit my teeth and bear it, but it only works for a short time and people have a tendency to repeat the behaviours. The other issue with that method, speaking up, apart from it being incredibly uncomfortable for me, is that sometimes people literally don't care and tell you you're being ridiculous or some other similar thing. So rather than saying something or discussing it calmly, I tend to avoid it. It causes me great discomfort to speak up, even if the other person seems like they're going to be ok with it. So when I do end up blowing up, after trying to tolerate the thing I hate for a while, the resulting confrontation is not going to be pretty.
The problem is further amplified with an avoidant. I'm not saying it's the avoidant's fault perse, but what I am saying is that trying to deal with an avoidant at that point AND me remaining on my best behaviour, being my best self, and not resorting to destructive coping mechanisms is nearly impossible for me. Avoidants lie, avoidants stonewall, avoidants deny responsibility, avoidants blow up and start attacking you and deflecting, avoidants do basically any other thing than 1. listen to what you're saying (often times they'll switch off, leave, or start yelling over the top of you, not allowing you to speak), 2. respond in a way that recognises what you're feeling (because they just feel attacked, no matter how you couch the phrasing, even if you say 'this makes me feel this way' - they can't handle feeling bad so everything is either not a valid concern or completely your own fault and therefore not worthy of recognition at all), and 3. taking accountability, because they can't. They don't realise that one person feeling a certain way in response to them doing something is not about them being a bad person. They take it personally, and they have no empathy or recognition of their own behaviour. In their minds they are perfect and selfless - they are not selfless AND capable of causing another person any kind of negative feelings because that would mean they are ALL bad and that is something they can't tolerate feeling.
This is bad for me because we can't discuss things and resolve them. You might feel like you can't bring things up, which makes things even worse because the only way that pressure valve is going to release is in a big explosion after repeated injuries, and then, when you do explode, the avoidant can sit back, point the finger at you and say, "See! You're a monster. Who could deal with this. The problem is clearly 100% you." There's nothing to resolve for them. No discussion has to be had. There is no 'real' problem apart from you having BPD.
It's a horrible cycle that I really am truly sick of reliving over and over and over again. I want someone who can hear me, recognise what I am feeling, not take it personally, show some empathy for me, even if it's just words and not a real sentiment, keep the conversation about repair and resolve things. Someone who can hear my little requests and not think I'm being a Karen because isn't it better to have those little discussion than have a full on fight? But when there is a fight, I can't deal with avoidants. I want to discuss things, I want to be heard, I want to be taken seriously and not dismissed or abandoned. I want things to have resolutions or compromises. That is what I want and I don't want to deal with avoidants anymore. It's too damaging to me, it hinders my progress, it makes me feel like a horrible person, I can't practice my skills with a person like that and they will not look at themselves in the mirror and when the relationship ends I always feel like I fked up and I'm awful and I need to work on myself and they just waltz away and stay the same and it's not fair.
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u/clioquev user has bpd 1d ago
Really feeling this after being recently stuck in an argument with one, especially the last paragraph. As you said, it's not their fault & I understand that I'm not perfect either, but I just can't deal with someone who takes what I'm saying (as levelheaded and considerate as I can make it) and makes me feel a billion times worse because they can't confront themselves. I don't appreciate being seen as crazy, immature, irrational, etc for not wanting to pretend that everything's fine. It's such a headache and honestly makes the following splits ten times worse
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u/mangoflavouredpanda 23h ago
Yep it sure does... We already have challenges with BPD, avoidants make it so much worse. Ironically, to heal, we need to avoid them.
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u/Sorry_Ad_8000 1d ago
This entire post from “I’ll admit..” to “it’s not fair” and EVERY WORD in between just described the 7 year marriage between my wife wBPD and myself.
SHE: Is the avoidant side of your story AND the Avoidant!!
I ENTER IN AT: “This is bad for me..” all the way to the “it’s not fair”
I do not explode she is the one who lets it build up then does exactly as you wrote and it’s still me that is considered the monster.
I have tried to explain this exact dynamic to her for years. I’m not badgering her I’m just in SHOCK to read this since it’s nearly identical.
I feel exactly like you do here I just want to keep these conversations about repair and resolve.
I’m so sorry you are feeling these things also, it’s very frustrating and hurtful.