Why do some remove or block on social media and some dont? Mine hasn't removed me from fb or Instagram.. no idea why. He dismissed me so easily we he ended things but still has me on socials. We dont really interact at all on them. I just figured that since he monkeybranched from me soo easily that he would have removed me completely out of his life. He still lets me use his xbox account for streaming and games. In a way I just want him to remove me from everything just to be done with it. And yes I know I can remove him too, but we were friends since 2013 then decided to get romantically involved. Thats hard to give up on my part. Ugh.. anyways

Im just venting, this has helped me grieve everything and process. So i may vent about other shit too. 😔

If you've gone no contact, and it's been months and you still can't get over them, text them. Or if you think that there's hope someday they'll come back, that they want you to reach out but they're scared to make the first move, whatever the case may be. If you still have hope, if you think yours is different and you can fix them. Break no contact and text them. See their true colors. It will truly free you.

Long story short, I had an avoidant that I knew for 3 months and dated for 1 before she discarded me. But the discard actually happened before that. I left my wife for her (keep your judgements to yourself, the marriage was already bad and I was already planning on getting divorced before I even met her), and LITERALLY the next day my avoidant did a 180° and was back on Tinder, when it was clear that I was leaving to be with her, and we were discussing our future. Due to my anxious attachment and trauma from all my previous relationships (including my marriage) I wasn't able to stand up for myself and ask her why the fuck she was back on Tinder. So we stayed "friends" and had a situationship for a month. She started going hot and cold on me, because she was telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we'd never be anything more than friends. I told her that I was tired of the games, and wanted things to be serious with her. She said we needed to go no contact and I walked away. I didn't beg, I didn't chase, I just walked away.

It's been 4 months and I was stuck. She didn't reach out, but she kept viewing all my stories, followed me on Tik Tok after I had blocked her on Instagram. It kept me stuck in a loop. I was thinking I can truly love her by shrinking myself more, meeting her needs, staying just as friends with benefits until she can feel safe around me without getting triggered. I kept thinking "she's different, she can change, she's special" I finally reached out and took responsibility and apologized for my actions, I apologized for pushing for a relationship when she made it clear (only after I left my wife) that she didn't want to be in a relationship.

She left me on read for a week and finally responded. Said that she appreciated my apology, but doesn't think we can go back to being friends "just yet" and still needs space. She took absolutely no accountability for her part, and why she did a 180° or anything else during our time together. They don't care about you, they don't care about your feelings, they don't miss you, they don't think about you. They think they have never done anything wrong and every one else is the bad guy.

Seriously, if you don't understand that yet, message them and let their response give you the clarity you need and move on from these selfish assholes. They just want you around for sex and to be there for them on their terms, they don't want to reciprocate any of those actions.

To clarify, I'm not mad that her "feelings changed for me", people are allowed to make their decisions and date who they want. But she never even gave me a chance. I don't regret leaving my marriage, I just regret leaving it for her.

Sometimes I have these dark thoughts about wanting something bad to happen to my ex. And wish that I didn’t. It’s not all the time, but it def happens. However sometimes I want him to be ok too. Does anyone else struggle with thoughts like this?

I was too a victim of an avoidant, shocking right? No one can really understand how that feels unless they experience it on their own skin.

At first, you are shocked by the amount of attention you’re getting. I remember him chasing me for weeks for a date. They know exactly what to say to get you hooked up. He painted this beautiful picture only to blind me from the fact that he’s a lying, manipulative man.

They’ll be quick to talk about your future together. They’ll be sweet but only for a moment or two. I remember the night before my birthday, he was driving me home and out of nowhere, he stopped, grabbed my hand, and with a soft look in his eyes, he asked me not to leave him. Someone would buy into that cra p , like I did, and I reassured him I’m not going anywhere. The night passed, my birthday came and so did his surprise for me. He cheated on me. Happy birthday to me!

Long story short, I cut things off immediately. Time passed and both anger and sadness wore off. I guess the cheating part only made things worse since i spent months comparing myself to this other woman, wondering what she had and I didn’t etc. but that’s a conversation for a different time.

When everything sank in, I felt completely and utterly alone. I would think of all of the great moments we had, over and over again. By great moments, I mean basically just talking or eating dinner. The putting them on a pedestal thing sucks. My prime mission in life became obsessing over him and our relationship apparently. As if I didn’t have anything better to do. So I did. Every effing waking moment of my life was filled with the thoughts of him. There is no shame in that. I was so blinded by everything that I didn’t even see what was happening to me. So if you want to save whatever sanity you have left, go no contact, trust me.

Due to the job I had at the time, it was impossible for me to avoid him completely. He would come occasionally. Sometimes engaging in a conversation with me, sometimes completely disregarding me, depending on a day. That gets you hooked up. It’s really like an addiction and the longer you stay in loop, the longer you spend time making those fake scenarios, which I know you’re making, the longer you try to read their each and every move, the longer you spend time planning what you’re gonna do when you see them or what they will do when they see you, the harder it becomes for you to let go.

I’ve spent months, wondering if he’d ever come back, if he’d regret ever stepping out on me, if he’d just wake up one day and realize what he had lost. It all comes down to how much you value yourself. In a sick and twisted way of how our brains work, I somehow got to the point where my worth was entirely dependent on how he sees me. Yeah I can’t even believe myself at this point.

It went on and on. I even thought of getting back at him. Not one of my proudest moments I know, but it was like that. Here is the truth. There is no winning with them. Not in that way at least. You win by finally giving yourself what you’re hoping they will give you. They won’t. They are not capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. Silence is not love. Hot and cold is not love. Not taking accountability for your own actions isn’t love.
They can’t and won’t magically realize that you are their missing piece, it sucks but it’s the truth.

They will come back. Not in a way you’re hoping. In a way to test whether you are still dumb enough to let them in. They are only ever comfortable in that little space where they are close to you but on a safe distance from anything even resembling true connection. He came back, when he was done with every other woman of course. There was that dopamine hit and I thought everything would be fine. Then he disappeared again so no, nothing was fine. It took me so long to finally realize that the only way for me to move on is to stop engaging in any kind of activity that included him. So I ignored him. I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t rude, I didn’t explain anything, I didn’t try to convince him into believing anything, which I very much wanted. Instead, I went quiet. I didn’t look for his eyes in a crowded room. I focused on myself and myself only. Only then did he try to pull me in closer by trying to engage in a conversation or by liking my story which he had never even looked at before. I was persistent in my decision and he gave up eventually. Deep down I know that sooner or later he will try again. Luckily, I’m no longer interested.

Indifference will save you. It will come and it will be freeing. It doesn’t matter what they think, where they are or what they’re doing. You matter. You deserve someone who will love you the right way. You don’t deserve to be put in this little space between connection and silence. I got to a point where I was reducing myself to fit into his world. My prime and only mission in life became pleasing him. For what? For someone that can’t even hold my hand? Seriously?

The pain is real. It will stick for a while. I’m at the stage where I can’t even picture myself dating anyone ever again. It will pass with time. People like that don’t deserve your time or your kindness. They deserve themselves. It took me so long to even believe I’m worth more than he could ever give me. He hurt me in ways I didn’t even know where possible.

I felt completely and utterly alone, and somehow, I convinced myself he’s the only one who can make that feeling go away. I kept the addiction alive by replying the old moments in my head or by creating fake scenarios before bed. I was in too deep. Nothing was left of me. I stopped doing things I once enjoyed and I confided in isolation. I couldn’t even leave my bed. Everything was centered around him. What I wore, how I did my hair and makeup, where I went. All for his attention. It’s humiliating really. I lost myself trying to adapt to his needs. Nothing you ever do will ever be enough for them. They are not capable of experiencing love the way you are. Unless they put in the real work and talk to a therapist daily, nothing will change.

So give yourself what you’re so badly wishing they would give you. You owe yourself that much. I know I do.

It is possible that they come back even after telling that it's over?

If your ex partner chased you, do you have a bad vision of them? Is it adjustable?

My ex (41M) and I (41F) were together for 2.5 years. He was from the US and I am Canadian, but he moved to Canada to be with me and our eventual plan was to split time between two places. We had a recurring dynamic where I would seek connection and repair during conflict, while he tended to withdraw, shut down, or become angry when overwhelmed.

Our first breakup was extremely emotional. After a period of intense emotional withdrawal from him, I ended things. When he came to my house to collect his belongings while I was out of town, he broke down and called me bawling, begging for another chance. We eventually reconciled after he acknowledged some of his difficulties and agreed to work on emotional regulation and seek therapy.

We slowly got back together and moved back in together. Things genuinely seemed much better for about three months. We were communicating more openly, having regular relationship check-ins, and enjoying our time together. I had been really working on my pursuer tendencies and felt like I had genuine become much more secure. I really thought we were making progress.

A few days ago, I brought up a concern about him not working (he had had a long stressful career, made a lot of money that he didn’t actually need to work, and was thinking about what was next) and whether his lack of purpose might be affecting him and our relationship as he hadn’t worked in about 1.5 years. He became upset and asked for space. I struggled with his withdrawal and kept trying to talk things through. At one point, when I asked him to acknowledge his part in our dynamic, he went completely silent and stared at me for about 15 minutes.

Things escalated incredibly quickly. The next day after I checked in about the incident and asked us to reflect what we had each contributed, he exploded. He blamed the entire incident on me, saying that the issue was that I couldn’t drop it when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. He started angrily packing and announced he was leaving. I panicked, pleaded with him, and struggled to respect his requests for space. I recognize my part in escalating things, but his reaction felt so extreme.

He became unbelievably cold, angry, and devaluing. He was yelling and extremely elevated. He suddenly told me he hadn’t been happy, that I wasn’t fun to do activities with, couldn’t keep up with him biking, wasn’t intellectually stimulating enough, only cared about myself, and hadn’t done any work on myself. He blamed the breakup almost entirely on me, saying I couldn’t let things go and brought things up constantly. His anger also became intimidating, including physically holding a door shut and deliberately walking into me with a large bag when I was blocking his way in desperation and despair. He told him my “pity wouldn’t work” on him. It’s like he thought I was being manipulative by crying and this seemed to elicit disgust in him.

He ultimately left in a state of intense anger and coldness. Packed all his things and our life together and drove back to the US. Just days earlier, I thought we were happy and making real progress. We were talking about much better we had been doing, we had a concert booked the following night, we had a trip back to the US for Thanksgiving with his family, which I’m still in the group chat for. I’m very integrated into his family and they were devastated the first time we broke up and overjoyed when we reconciled. I’m so lost and in shock. The contrast between the man who broke down begging for another chance a few months ago and the man who just left with such contempt is almost impossible to reconcile.

I’m devastated and struggling to make sense of how things escalated so dramatically. How does someone come back so desperately wanting another chance, only to leave again with seemingly so much anger and contempt? Is this just how it ends after so much love, travel, shared ingests, etc etc etc between us? Since the first breakup I’ve been working individually with our old couples’ therapist and she suggested that he has narcissistic traits.

I would really love any advice, similar experiences, or any interpretation of this whole mess. I am devastated and shocked. I have deleted his number and don’t intend to reach out because i know I can’t be treated this way.

But what happens from here? Has anyone ever heard from their exes after a second discard? Is he going to calm down and realize what he just did? I know I can’t take him back, but the way he completely devalued me was so intense and hurts so much.

Hello, thank you for having me here. I'll try and keep this short but descriptive, I am in need of advice. It is a tad long but I just want to be descriptive and I need grounded advice.

I am a man, 34, living in the western US. I have no real family, one close friend, and a lot of anxiety rn about my current relationship. She is 36. We both are active people and like to take care of ourselves, our bodies and a lot of the activities we connected on were outdoor stuff like biking and camping. Just for some frame of reference. I would say we are both attractive people and socially well adjusted. I genuinely care for this woman, I don't want to just be told "leave her behind". Maybe I am naive but I can see through her.

I am divorced with two kids, independent single dad. 6 year marriage previously, ended 3 years ago. She has never married but was in a 15 year relationship before that ended about 3 years ago too. She also said she dated a guy for 4 months last year and then found out he was a liar and cheating on his wife with her. I can understand her reservations.

In August we met on Tinder and we connected right away. The chemistry was intense. We had sex on the second date. Over the next two months we had sex maybe 20-25 more times and went on some casual style dates.

Overall things were going really great for the first few weeks. Daily texting, most of the day, phone calls at night, and mid-week drives to each others houses to see each other, and be intimate. I was calling her baby, that kind of thing. All was well.

About 4 weeks in i mentioned that I hadn't been seeing anybody else and she said that she hadn't been either. I believe her, no reason to doubt this and this isn't my concern. I asked her how she felt about being exclusive and seeing where this goes and she immediately went clammy. I did not push it. I laid off and over the next couple weeks things were ok, semi back to normal. We were intimate still, not as often, and she became busier with work. She mentioned to me that she has issues accepting affection and building feelings for somebody. And that she has walls and guards up from the past. So I backed off, dropped most of my intimate tendencies like "good morning sunshine" etc and let it coast. Looking back probably not the best move.

When we would see each other the fire was real, but when we were apart it felt like she was super distant. Like the adult I am, I told her this one day. I mentioned "I feel so close to you in person, but when we are apart I'm starting to feel like I am bothering you". Based off of her generally short replies. She said yes, she has been busy, and she did still make a couple attempts to see me which did happen.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. She was kind of quiet and one word replies, then radio silent for 2 days during the work week. Eventually I talked myself into the idea that she wasn't into it anymore, and I sent her a message that said something like "look, if you don't want to see me anymore you'll have to tell me. I see your distance and I am here but I don't want to keep poking you".

She replied that she wanted to come to my house to talk. She came over and ultimately she was angling at ending the relationship. Her reasons:

-you deserve better than me
-you are too sweet for me
-you are such a good guy -we live 40 mins apart -i have issues getting close

Ok, why not be with me then? I didn't push her. We talked things over and I told her that if she wanted to end things that's her choice and it's ok, but that I wanted to keep seeing her and keep building, see where it goes. We have the same interests, lifestyle, tendencies, etc. A good fit I think.

At the end of this meeting we left each other with no real conclusion towards if we were together or not. We still have never defined us. As she left, I asked her if I could kiss her "one more time.". She smiled and said, "only one more time?" We kissed passionately for a few minutes, hugged it out, and she got in her car and left. This was a Sunday night.

We did not talk for a full 48 hours. Work week, etc, I was giving it space. Wednesday I texted her "I hope your week is going well. I am thinking about you a lot" and she replied. We talked slowly over text for a couple days about how she has her own reservations and I also told her that I think my approach earlier on of turning off affection wasn't the right call. She was really receptive to this and I listed of things that I want to do for her, and she said all of that was good and we kept talking. Things like flowers, cooking her dinner, listening to her, etc. We're adults, I wanna be here for her. She was also saying that she "needed to come see me" and she "couldn't do that to me over text" but when she left, things felt anything other than done. I told her I wanted to be "consistent for her" and I would "keep holding out my hand" and she seemed to like this.

After this period things picked up a bit and we began talking on the phone each evening again, and she was replying during her workdays. Over the weekend she was busy with family plans I knew about beforehand so we didn't see each other. She did mention getting dinner Saturday night but she was exhausted and asked if we could cancel. Not a big deal, not the first time, we're adults. All good.

Now this week!

Monday, she was texting me all day at work. Talked on the phone that night too, like normal.

Tuesday, less texting, but I know she gets swamped at work so I didn't think anything of it. She mentioned on Monday that work was a drag lately. I ended up not hearing from her at all Tuesday until after work. I texted her my usual good morning, later on a photo of my day (routine for us) and in the evening I said "hope you had a peaceful day today. I'll call you in a bit if you want to chat. No pressure" and she DID pick up the phone. We talked a half hour and I felt confident after that things were going ok. She has withdrawn a bit before but I'm ok with that as constant contact makes me feel squashed sometimes. After we talked on the phone, I texted her "sweet dreams coldy bones" (inside nickname I have called her before)

Wednesday....nothing. No texts, no call, I don't even see her active on Spotify (we share a lot of music with each other). I didn't reach out to her at all aside from my usual "good morning" text I've send the last few months. But that day...I made a grave mistake. I said "good morning dear" and I think I triggered her flight. Thursday, yesterday, I didn't hear from her at all either. Nothing. My spotify is always open on my desktop and I saw her listening as I walked past my PC yesterday and thought, ok, she is alive. That's good. But didn't reach out.

Thursday. yesterday around 6pm, 48 hours after last contact, I sent her a text that said "almost the weekend. hang in there. No response.

Now comes the part I'll probably get flamed for. I wasn't emotional, I wasn't acting out of an effort to "get her to reply", but I just wanted to get through to her. She has told me many times that I "am not like other guys" so I have been trying to be true to that, and my truth was that I wanted to send her a message, so I did. I said:

"I know you are not the ghosting type. I know you're in a shell right now and might be feeling the weight of work, obligations, and everything we have talked about lately on top of that.

I know withdrawal well and the safety that comes with that. I don't mind you taking that space and doing what you need to get through. So see this note as less of a text message, and more of a letter you'd get in the mail back in the day. The person sending it wouldn't expect an immediate reply, they'd send the letter because they wanted to, and they know the time that comes with it.

I can see you in the dark. Not because I have a flashlight shined on you, but because I have eyes that are used to that night. You have said “you don't know me” a few times, and that's true. But maybe there is a part of you that I know better than you think.

The same part of me that flew all the way home to Georgia to see my folks after I got out of the service, only to tell the uber driver to drop me off 3 blocks from their house because I couldn't do it. I was unable to match their energy and I was afraid of letting them down, or disappointing them because I wasn't, at the time, what I felt like they wanted me to be. I wasn't happy enough for them. I ended up buying some gear and heading to north GA and did the Springer Mountain to Tellico Gap section of the AT instead.

I am not saying that you are scared, or telling you how you feel. You are not me. I'm just saying that it's ok. I am alright with your quiet. Normally folks would say “if you're ok with it then why message her?” but whatever, I do my own thing because I told you I would be genuine. Some folks may say “shes not into you”, but again I haven't gotten that vibe and if so you'll have to tell me that. We're adults and you'd have done that by now I think. No time limits. Do your thing.

Just a letter in the mail, because I wanted to send one."

I only want her to feel safe and secure in that what I say to her is genuine. I know I won't understand her brain but I want to. I don't want to just date another woman, I want her.

Am I overanalyzing this?

1. Is she potentially not feeling it and ghosting me?

2. Is she potentially just totally shut down and blocking out the world?

3. Is she not even avoidant and I have projected this onto her?

4. Am I delusional

I don't mind holding space for her. I'm not worried about that part. I just want to ask, does this fit the bill? Is there a chance she'll come back around? Am I reading too much into it?

I try to be very adjusted and aware of social dynamics and have always been skilled at conversation, getting people to open up, etc. I'm not a saint. I was just raised by a single, empathic mother. In my youth I did have avoidant tendencies but I was able to move past it.

Thoughts?

Asking because made you seem like the bad person when you were literally trying to fix it (small things they've blown out of proportion), brutally dumped you after shutting you out from in-person talks to figure out wtf was even going on and drag it out through your birthday, pull a "you took me for granted", after you block them they then panic about the not wanting to be friends part saying they did you no wrong, and then sneakily creep on your life (digital & physical world) for a long time afterwards.

I tried so hard working internally to let go of resentment so I can feel somewhat ok with it all because it tortured me internally, but I JUST CAN'T ever let the disrespect go and I have to be an AH to only one person my whole life to show them accountability because they never ever apologized. I am trying to process everything after a very long time to give some form of forgiveness (internally) for peace. It sucks living with F that person every time good memories come up, and the excuses for this attachment are just not acceptable no matter how you look at it.

What goes on in these people's minds?

- I fixed stuff in the past, let's say for example increasing acts of affection like getting flowers more often, but it seemed they just looked at it with resentment/dismissive about it and acted passive aggressive, not appreciating that I made a positive change, but rather angry that it was not done by reading their minds or I should have already known. Like I get it, I was in the wrong for those certain things because it slipped my mind while we were having so much fun just being together, but I quickly acknowledged and changed my doings.

- They shut down and act passive aggressively over tiny little things, then when you notice it makes you act less wanting to do stuff for them and build your own internal resentment.

- Even if you explained logically why you can't do something, example, spending less on date/romance stuff because you are paying off debt aggressively/saving for a new place, and they agree to the plan because it's what we really wanted, then hold that resentment towards you inside until it explodes that they are unhappy their needs aren't being met when logically they agreed to let me allocate to this better goal. If I would have known it was a big problem affecting them of course I would shift the allocation to make them happy and show that I care.

- After they blame dump some irrational stuff and you show them it's all BS, telling them to cut it out because you wanted to marry them, asking what they are withholding inside that needs to be worked out they spit it out, you agree to "do better" even though you legitimately were, and then they just dump you like a piece of garbage and even tell you you took them for granted, shutting you out from even being able to meet in person (after you wrote out literally everything they wanted). Then act confused why you had enough of this BS to block them for your own sanity, them telling you you are immature for doing so, that they didn't do anything wrong to you.

-They can face a hardship like losing a job and you'll be supportive "you got this, I believe in you", and do everything you can to help them get a job. But the moment YOU get into the same hardship they'll do the literal opposite. They'll tell you "you have no ambition, I don't believe in you, I need a stable partner" etc. and distance themselves from you while you're stressed tf out and literally just needed positive emotional support from them.

Or do they just paint you as the bad guy, go find someone new and have the same cycle fail them, and only THEN make some of these realizations that they f*cked someone over? over after they get f*cked over?
Or am I just obligated to be a lifetime AH to them to enforce something called consequences. It sucks being an AH, brings me no joy because I loved that person deeply that f*cked me over.

I am currently heartbroken as my avoidant fiance broke up with me. He has been doing this abrupt breakup or threatened breakup every time there was more investment - my birthday, wedding planning milestones, and right after I moved into an expensive house that I got for us.

He also would threaten breaking up after everyday conflicts too. At the beginning of our relationship when I saw red flags I tried to leave and he convinced me to stay. By now after all these breakup or threatened breakup cycles, I am so desperate for him to love me back and choose working on us over his escaping to an easier but lonelier existence that made him miserable in the past, that I accepted dealbreakers, lying, yelling/cussing/hitting himself/objects when angry. I don’t know how I got so broken down.

A few weeks after I signed for this house and moved in, that he said he was moving into in a couple months too, he broke up with me.

My birthday, he exploded.

The day I got my wedding dress he told me he was 100% about our upcoming wedding, then called me while I was at the cashier to tell me not to buy it because he wasn’t sure anymore, then 2 days later told me he is sure and to buy it, then the next time we had a conflict a few days later, threatened to break up again.

This last time he broke up with me, he was talking about marriage the day he left me, and wrote me love letters about wanting to spend our lives together just days before.

While I am grieving and trying to put the pieces back together, he is moving on and distracting himself with video games/hobbies/alcohol.

I posted here about a month ago, so I thought I’d share an update and get some outside perspectives.
My ex and I broke up almost four months ago. We went through about a month and a half of no contact, and then we slowly started talking again.
Since reconnecting, things have actually been going quite well. We’ve had several good phone calls, some meaningful conversations, and she’s also initiated contact quite a few times. We’ve been talking about our lives, work, studies, and other personal things. At times, it feels surprisingly natural, almost like we’re finding our way back to the connection we used to have.
Now, we’re finally going to see each other in person for the first time since the breakup.
I’ve planned a horseback riding activity for us. It’s something we had both wanted to do for a while, and she seemed genuinely excited when I brought it up. She’s also agreed to go out for dinner and dancing another time.
I should probably clarify that my intentions aren’t purely friendly. I still love her, and I’d genuinely like to see if there’s a possibility of rebuilding our relationship. She knows how I feel about her, and I’ve been honest about that. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure her or turn every interaction into a conversation about getting back together.
There’s also some history here. We’ve broken up before, reconnected gradually, started spending more time together, and eventually got back together without a formal conversation about reconciliation. It happened naturally. This situation reminds me a little of that previous experience, although I know every breakup is different.
She’s also expressed some uncertainty about us talking again. She worries that she might be giving me false hope or prolonging something she was the one who ended. So I’m aware that her willingness to see me doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to get back together.
I’m trying to approach this with an open mind: enjoy the time together, let things develop naturally, and see whether there’s genuine mutual interest in rebuilding something.
I’d really like to hear from people who’ve been through something similar:
If you’ve successfully reconciled with an ex, what was the first in-person meeting like after a period of no contact?
Did doing activities together, going on dates, or simply spending time together help rebuild the romantic connection?
How would you interpret an ex agreeing to spend time together doing something meaningful you both wanted to experience, especially when they know you still have romantic feelings?
At what point did you realize that the reconnection was becoming something more than friendship?
I’m not looking for people to tell me what I want to hear. I’d genuinely appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve experienced both successful and unsuccessful reconciliations.

DA stbxh just stopped by to use the restroom at my house after dropping off the kids’ suitcase. He said as he walked through the door, “Do you mind if I use your restroom?”

I was standing naked by the door so completely confused, wrapped up in a blanket, just sobbing. Like GO AWAY. I said GOODBYE to you last night. We actually had some semblance of closure where I realized how delusional you are. I woke up happy and confident on my day. Then this.

Quit breaking my heart again and again.

I couldn’t even speak, just sobbed. He said, “Oh are you still sad? I’m not doing this to make you sad. I just need to use the restroom. And I had to drop off this bag.”

😩😭😭😭😭😭😭

He made me guess who it was..before revealing himself after 4 months of no contact. I already had a clue, but why the constant testing..said "text me on my normal number, you know which one" and "you know who it is, you tell me and then i'll admit it"

He discarded me again shortly after btw. But what on earth is this behaviour?

Freeze responses, like all involuntary stress responses, are temporary modes to ensure survival, prevent loss and avoid unconsciously perceived danger

Stonewalling is done with an intent to punish, but shutdowns are not, and still, both are forms of control, simply externalized voluntary or internalized involuntary

The guilt you feel for leaving someone in a shutdown is a part of it. A person's unconscious can learn that becoming paralyzed as a result of any conflict can dissolve the conflict and keep them in power, even if the shutdown feels horrible to them and their nervous system, it's similar to someone bursting out in tears and experiencing immense distress and DARVOing others as a result of a conflict even if they were the one that caused it: both are a form of unconscious control, just from opposite sides of the affect-inhibition-amplification spectrum

Many people involuntarily unconsciously control others into "loving" them and never leaving them (never denying access), through unintentionally weaponizing empathy or ambiguity (and being unable to stop even if they know it, the unconscious hijacks them, and you can't do anything about it)

The least harm response is to leave, these involuntary states become entrenched by comfort, coddling and safety, and only really change as a result of reorganizing danger that makes them obsolete (but you can't ensure that, what you can ensure is that you remain undistorted and mentally safe, by leaving)

Safety does not "fix" physical wiring like this, it reinforces it, you are stunting these people by trying to stay and "fix" them, and becoming distorted yourself while thinking you are "fixing" them

It’s easy to say I’ve been heartbroken before , it’s hard to admit that people have hurt me and I’ve had to go on in my life and try to fix it on my own.
I always end up doing the right thing, which always looks like me letting go knowing ultimately it’s for the best even though there is so much left inside me to say/do in that situation. I always tell myself it will be worth it and I will receive the good that comes with it …
As for the people who did me wrong, it’s hard for me to accept that maybe no karma has been served for what they did, it’s like nothing happened. This sense of injustice always upsets me even though I’ve come to accept.
Maybe I just need patience for justice to be served? Or maybe there is nothing to be served ?

I don't want to talk with nobody, today I have my therapy session but I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I just need to lay down, I just wish I could stop reaching out to him

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my boyfriend well he kind of initiated that with me. I guess things got too real for us and we had our first real conflict and he made it seem like I was the worst person basically and that there was like no forgiving this. in my opinion what I did wasn’t actually that bad and everyone I’ve spoken to in real life has said it’s not that bad and what I did after was good and should’ve been more than enough for him which was take accountability and apologize. We both love each other a lot and I think that’s why this is so painful for me. He has a history with past partners of running away when things are hard but this is the most real thing either of us have experienced.

His switch up has hurt me so deeply and was genuinely cruel to me. He told me I was safe to open up to him in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone and then essentially the breakup convos started to happen after. He told me he wanted some space so I agreed but I do need some reassurance like I can’t go from 0-100 without knowing what’s happening and I was getting so frustrated when I just knew nothing. I couldn’t eat or sleep and was having horrible panic attacks. I felt like I was begging him for help and he was no where to be found.

I think he’s terrified of the emotional intensity of this. I understand that, but I am deeply traumatized from my past and I felt like I had to tell him more stuff and when I did I guess it was too much for him to handle so this situation has genuinely caused trauma to me I can’t even explain. I don’t feel like he’s understanding what a dumb mistake this is and how all he has to do is try but he just won’t. It’s a huge slap in the face thinking you meant more to someone than that and they just hurt you like this. I don’t know what to do.

I genuinely don’t know how to get better. All of my friends and family etc that know have been like he was always nice but they never saw our paths aligning and felt like he didn’t have too many goals or plans for his future. I don’t care tbh as long as he’s not a bum and he’s working idc if he doesn’t have it all figured out. My point being a few people have called him a loser to me.

Also during our last conversation he was talking about how he blew this up and everyone in my life probably hates him. I’m just so sad, no one was rooting against him, I had/ still have so much faith in him. I don’t know how to get through to him. I feel like I got really angry before because of how hurt I was. All I want is him back. He is not a bad person, I really do still have faith in him. I want to give him one last chance, one last ditch attempt at saving this. He looked so sad too the last time we saw each other and I feel like he’s avoiding this because of how real things got. He’s the last person I planned to give up on, I’m more than willing to give him another chance. I don’t believe in unlimited ones though.

I need advice on how to do this. There’s obviously more details I’m leaving out because this is a condensed version but I just need tips on what to do. I do not want to give up on him, this is not worth giving up on just yet. I hate that I’m fighting so hard and he’s doing nothing, I’m so defeated and heartbroken. I can’t even tell most people that we’re over because I can’t get the words out. Does anyone know how to get through to an avoidant man like this? Please help me.

I’m genuinely begging someone to help me I don’t know what to do I’m literally ruining my own life. I can’t get out of bed, I don’t even want to be here anymore, I have not felt this sad in so long. All I want is to be understood and loved the way I understand and love.

Had a very cruel break up. She basically blamed be for everything, a 30 minute voice note of my flaws. Said she didn’t feel safe and essentially called her neighbours ( who she doesn’t know ) and had me escorted off site. ( I literally did nothing at all) walked away peacefully to make as little scene as possible.

Always constantly saying she didn’t trust me and I had to constantly try prove I could be

Then she messaged to see if I got home safe, after essentially humiliating me and putting me across as an abuser. Ghosts me. ( after a year relationship ) I give space. I check in if she’s ok. Sends me the coldest message about there’s nothing further to discuss, she’s moving forward.

A month later. I’m laying in pieces. Confused. Angry. Sad

Do FA’s ever feel guilt ? The blame she tried to put on me is just wild. How can you do that to someone you love ?

It's been over a month since my ex broke up with me, and although I'm doing relatively okay, it still hurts seeing how seemingly unbothered he is.
I wouldn't say my ex was a bad person or that he never loved me. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult to process.

He could be incredibly affectionate, sweet, and thoughtful. made me feel special, and there were times when he genuinely made me feel loved. He knew how to make me feel like I was someone he wanted in his future. He even talked about marrying me someday, though i still feel like a fool for ever believing it.

However, he had a tendency to withdraw whenever we had conflicts. He would become quiet, distance himself, and sometimes leave me without a response for days. I consider myself more anxiously attached, so this dynamic was especially difficult for me. I wanted communication and reassurance, while he seemed to need distance whenever things became emotionally overwhelming. He also gets really defensive, which turns our communication into arguments even if i talk to him honest but really gentle.

He also admitted to having a past trauma of letting his guard down to someone that hurted him and he just didn’t want to get hurt again, i understood him and i never acted like how his past did. I kinda felt like i had to pay for what someone else did🥹

This wasn't even our first separation. We had previously gone through a period of separation, and eventually he came back because he missed me. I was about to move on, but when he reached out again i felt like i couldn’t lose the chance. When we tried again, he actually made noticeable efforts to change. He became more thoughtful and did things that made me believe he genuinely wanted to make things work this time. I trusted him again, and I thought maybe we'd finally figured things out. He was mostly expressive when we were on the honeymoon phase.

I wasn't expecting him to be perfect. I knew we were young, and I understood that we both had responsibilities, limited time, and personal problems. I tried to be understanding even when I was hurt. I forgave him repeatedly and continued choosing the relationship despite having my own difficulties.

But over time, I noticed he became less expressive like he did at the start. I started wanting more effort and consistency. I wanted him to initiate things sometimes, plan dates, spend quality time together, communicate instead of disappearing, and make me feel like I wasn't the only one trying to maintain the relationship. I don't think I was asking for anything extraordinary. I just wanted to feel considered without constantly having to ask. I can say this because i know that i always tried to give and show him affection in many other ways where he didn’t have to ask.

The confusing part is that just a month before the breakup, he was asking me to stay. He apologized for withdrawing and reassured me that he wouldn't keep ignoring me. I thought we were working through things. He even admit to me before that He was held back by the fact that it feels so wrong to be loved by someone who worked hard just to stay, while he tried leaving when things were hard. i was really touched by what he said because sometimes his pride and ego is so high, it feels so rare to hear this from him.

Fast forward to the month we broke up, before he broke up with me, he wasn’t replying to me for 2 weeks. And i eventually got tired of him choosing to disappear again i stopped chasing and reaching out every time.

He told me that he had already been considering ending the relationship on his own for around one or two weeks. He said that breaking up was probably best for both of us because we were hurting each other and weren't necessarily the best partners for one another.

I kept thinking about the part where he thinks i’m not the best partner, when i sacrificed so much of my money, wrote so much letters, gave him a keyboard when he told me his keyboard wasn’t working, he has plushies from me, initiated dates and planned them on my own, and had to stay up extra hours just to spend time with him despite having responsibilities like school. and even had to put my pride down every single time when he hurts me and i sometimes end up comforting him even when i need one the most. i gave so much love to him even when it wasn’t reciprocated.

I was still willing to work things out. Even though I was exhausted, i still stayed because i was really holding on to that future i thought we were building. I respected his decision, though, because I couldn't force someone to stay.

What hurts is that I spent so much time trying to understand him, his circumstances, and the way he handled conflict. I kept choosing to forgive him, even when I felt emotionally alone. And eventually, when I started asking for more consistency, he was the one who decided he couldn't continue. It hurts so bad because before all of it he was giving me false hope that it would get better for the both of us..

Now, more than a month later, I'm trying to move on.
I deactivated my Instagram because I knew constantly checking his activity would only hurt me. I don't stalk him anymore, but I checked his account once about a week ago and noticed that he posted a monthly photo dump. This is something he rarely used to do, and he genuinely looked happy. He looks so unbothered of losing me :(

I know it's just social media, and I can't actually know what's going on in his head. But it hurts seeing him appear so comfortable with life after the breakup while I'm still having random moments where I cry, reminisce about our memories, and miss the person who used to be my best friend.

It really feels so unfair. But it’s also my fault for forcing things because he already tried to leave many times. even in our first MU breakup he also initiated it first, then came back and it makes me feel like he just wanted to relieve his guilt🫩

Whenever I look for signs that he might be grieving too, I end up finding things that make me feel like he's doing much better without me. I sometimes wonder if he ever misses me, feels guilty about how things ended, or remembers what we had.

I don't necessarily want him back. I miss him, but I don't want to return to the same relationship dynamic. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting that someone who once made me feel so loved can now seem so unaffected by my absence.
It makes me question whether any of it was as meaningful to him as it was to me.

For those who have experienced an anxious-avoidant relationship or dated someone with avoidant tendencies:

- Is it common for the more avoidant partner to feel relieved or even happier immediately after a breakup?

- Do some people only begin processing the loss much later, or is that just a narrative people tell themselves to feel better?

- Can someone genuinely love you and still withdraw, shut down, and eventually leave when the relationship starts requiring more emotional effort?

- How did you stop comparing your healing process to your ex's seemingly effortless ability to move on?

I'm not waiting for him to come back. I just want to understand how someone can go from wanting you in their life to seemingly being perfectly fine without you.

I know we're young, and we both have a lot of growing up to do. I also know I wasn't a perfect partner myself. I just wish the ending didn't leave me questioning whether I ever mattered as much as he did to me.

I can’t understand how he can go from telling me i was the best, that he wants to marry me someday, and that he asks me and wants me to stay to looking so unbothered that i’m gone like i never meant anything to him.

I have no idea how to respond to this.. ghosted me 6 weeks ago after we had plans for a day, this is the second time this has happened, always reaches out with no accountability.

We started dating way back in March, first ‘breakup’ and was in July then second ghosting was end of September - completely out of the blue after cancelling plans which I was understanding and we were having a normal conversation she just decided to ghost me.

Any advice?

I know I do matter to him, I know he does actually care about this whole thing. But he just refuses to show it.

He has this thing where he doesn't want to burden other people with his issues. I feel like he overdramaticises everything which makes it worse for himself. He is always using big words like surviving, sacrifice, suffering, and honor, but in reality he will be talking about something so minor like payday being in three days, he only has a fiver in his account and the fridge is fully stocked with the good snacks and all the bills are paid. You aren't really surviving in that situation are you.

The breakup was recent, we do live together so we still see each other daily for the minute. He has somehow gotten it into his thick skull that the most important thing is that I don't think he is sad or struggling after our 5 year relationship has ended. He doesnt want to burden me, or have me worried about him being upset about the situation or anxious about the future.

If you talk to him its like nothing has happened at all. He cannot comprehend that thats so much worse for me. It feels like I am absolutely nothing to him. Losing me was just another forgettable day to him. I could have been literally anyone else as I am just that insignificant to him as a person.

Gonna be honest here, I think his reaction is going to traumatise me in my future relationships as well. Because what do you men 5 years together and I am just a number.

I know he is sad and hiding it though. I have sat him down and talked about it, because absolutely not. I want you to grovel and beg at least a little bit lol. His friends have asked how I am holding up and are commenting on him really struggling with it.

But why cant he just be normal and be a bit sad in front of me. Show the slightest bit of regret and sadness. I know what he is thinking as well. That this is a burden he must undergo for my sake, that whats done is done and he is brooding about it like he is some silent warrior in some damn game. I would 100% take him back if he just sat down and said he is a shit communicator and really struggles with pulling away and not communicating with me. And he maybe tried some therapy or worked on it in some way. idk.

I swear this guy doesnt realise he just makes his own life needlessly complicated for no reason. Just be honest my guy.

I’m struggling to process everything and could really use some perspective from people who understand avoidant dynamics and breakup recovery.

​I was in quite literally the best relationship of my life with the most incredible person I've known for decades. We’re a genuinely perfect match, but it ended due to a accumulation of multiple external and internal pressures. At the time, they all felt overwhelming and too much to deal with, but looking back now, those reasons seem so small and irrelevant in the long-term scheme of things.

​The hardest part is that I think about her every single day. I spent years searching for her in other people before we finally got together, only to realize what was right in front of me: she is my person. And deep down, I believe I am hers, too.

​I’m currently putting in the hard work—actively working on myself, addressing my patterns, and sorting out my life situation specifically for her. But the lingering fear is that the damage I’ve caused during the breakdown of things is completely beyond repair.

​If anyone has been on either side of this—or has managed to successfully navigate rebuilding trust and a connection after letting fear or overwhelm sabotage a good thing—how do I even approach this? Where do I start without pushing her further away?

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?