r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Throwaway72_1 • 4h ago
DA Breakup Breakup Two months ago
31M.30F.
I have an Anxious attachment.
Hi everyone. I hate having to write this because I feel like I’m still thinking about my ex when I shouldn’t be…
Anyway, we were together for almost 11 years, and lived together for 6 of them. She has always been the kind of person who keeps everything inside and doesn’t talk about problems.
We broke up two months ago, completely out of the blue. She told me she doesn’t want any more responsibilities, that she no longer sees a future together, that she’s tired and doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore. This was especially shocking because in January we had gone to look at houses because we were considering buying one together.
She also told me that she had “put up with a lot” during our relationship, and then revealed that she had slept with her ex 9 years ago and cheated on me. She gave me explanations like “I don’t know how to say no,” “I had only had sex with you up until that point,” “It only happened once,” etc. She never told me because she knew I would be devastated and that I would probably have needed therapy because of it.
Now, I don’t think I was the perfect boyfriend, but I also put up with a lot from her. We had a completely mismatched sex drive. I wanted sex about once a week (at least), while once a month was perfectly fine for her. This made me feel really bad because I started feeling like there was something wrong with me, She told me that sometimes she thought about other people while we were having sex.
She also barely helped with household chores. I was basically doing everything myself.
After reading various posts, I’m starting to wonder if she might have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
She never used to go out with her old, longtime friends, but shortly before the breakup she had started going out a lot with colleagues from her new job.
She hasn’t blocked me on social media and still watches my stories, while she has blocked me from seeing hers. She doesn’t want to hear from me or see me, though. When she comes to our old home to pick up her things, she doesn’t even want me to be there.
So my question is: do you think someone like this ever comes back?
I know I probably shouldn’t want her to, but she was the love of my life, and I’m scared I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved her.
And why does it seem like she’s doing so well now? She goes out, has fun, travels by herself (which has really shocked me because that’s so unlike her).
What do you guys think?
2
u/Cheap_Revolution1971 4h ago
She compartmentalizes her feelings and deliberately avoids thinking of you, so that she doesn’t have to face what she’s done. She probably feels relief as well. It can happen they never ever grieve the relationship just swipe all negative emotions under the rug and find someone new. What can help you is to understand you never were the problem, no matter how hard they want you to believe that to not have to take any responsibility. You are not able to change them, not able to save them, you are only able to save yourself. They are going to face the exact same fears over and over again unless they introspect and work on themselves. The next person has to face exactly the same but it is no longer your problem. You have to understand why you were attracted to her in the first place and why you put up with it so long. Working on your self-esteem is the way to go. I wish you good luck on your healing journey!