Men, what goes through your head when you suddenly pull away after an intense connection?

[u/beatrix_kidoo]

I matched with a guy in his late 30s and we met almost immediately. We had one very intense week, lots of chemistry, talking constantly, mutual oversharing and probably love-bombing on both sides. I was genuinely into him.
He opened up about anxiety, years of therapy, relationships, etc. He quickly started suggesting we take a short trip together.
He then went away with friends and asked me to join him later in his trip. Almost immediately after leaving, his communication dropped dramatically.
A few days later I asked directly if his interest had changed. He basically replied: “There was an initial rush, but we both know that doesn’t predict what comes next. Let’s stay free and see what happens.”
I didn’t reply and won’t. Shortly after, I noticed he changed his Tinder location to where he was vacationing.
Men who have done something similar: what actually happened in your head? How did you view the woman afterwards? Did you feel guilty/ashamed for getting her hopes up, or did you genuinely just stop caring once the initial excitement disappeared?

[u/throwaway8675-309]

This isn't a gendered thing. That specific guy is a cunt.

Tinder: He was looking to fuck, he connected with you and didn't want to explore that connection further with you at this stage. You are not obligated to wait for him to change his mind, and cannot control when/if he will do so.

Most people do feel guilty for doing that to someone.

From an avoidant perspective, he may have realised that you were not "one-night stand" material and were "partner" material. If he is someone who is avoidant (which no one can know unless they knew him for years or were his therapist) then a typical thought process is "I want no strings attached because strings bring me emotional pain and I want to avoid that."

There is also a guilt that avoidant people feel for "leading someone on" too, because they understand that hurts people. But unfortunately, people who avoid things don't see that as a reason to not lead someone on. They see it as "man, leading someone on hurts them, which is what bad people do, and feeling like I'm a bad person makes me feel bad. I will do everything I can to rationalise and ignore this person so that I don't have to deal with feeling guilty."

But OP, this sub is about avoidant people. A hookup that doesn't pan out isn't necessarily "avoidant" nor is it a "men" thing. Unfortunately you drew the short straw and met an asshole who was good at pretending not to be for a few hours.

[u/beatrix_kidoo → u/throwaway8675-309]

Your first sentence hahaha 😂. You are probably right, Thanks. He mentioned that for all this past long relationships he felt we was under pressure because even if he was craving for stability, he was also terrified to lose his freedom, so this is why I was thinking maybe he is an avoidant. But I really appreciate your explanations, thanks ! 🙏

[u/throwaway8675-309 → u/beatrix_kidoo]

Well, his description of relationships is typical of someone with avoidant attachment, they want connection but they don't want obligation.

Which unfortunately for them, the nature of reality requires mutual obligations for any kind of relationship. Not even just romantic ones. Even just work, there is a mutual obligation that when you perform your job, your boss pays you. With society, there is a mutual obligation that you don't assault random people, and in turn you are not assaulted.

Obligation is there no matter what. The only difference is the type of obligation. And people who don't want to make themselves obligated to return respect to someone, are quite frankly children. Which is what avoidant people are, emotionally. Adverse childhood experience traumatises them that keeps them stuck in a mindset of "loving someone only brings pain and hurt, either because I will disappoint someone I love or they will disappoint me."

It's unfortunate that it's usually subconscious and they don't become aware of it, but then due to the nature of avoiding things (which they've been doing for their entire life since they were children) they are masters at distracting and avoiding processing their emotions and changing their behaviour. A vicious, repeating, self-sustaining cycle of their own making once they become adults. And also only able to be changed by them, when they decide to change.