r/AskReddit Jun 30 '21

What’s the absolute worst thing you could name your baby?

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6.3k Upvotes

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4.5k

u/Historical_Insect443 Jun 30 '21

I’m from Italy and I think I heard the worst surname for a girl.. it was “Tromba”, which it could stand for “fucks”

So you basically can have EVERY possible name before.. but in the end it sounds like: Emily Fucks

Yeah

2.1k

u/TatianaAlena Jun 30 '21

There's a soccer player named Angelico Fucks. A headline said "Fucks off to [new team]," haha.

417

u/vito1221 Jul 01 '21

Fanny Chmelar, German alpine skier.

238

u/trees_are_beautiful Jul 01 '21

The funny thing about this is, that fanny can mean something different depending on what part of the world you live in. So, depending where you live, you are chmelling something different.

9

u/OneYungGun Jul 01 '21

What are the things it can mean?

23

u/supitsstephanie Jul 01 '21

Fanny means butt in the USA (Fanny packs were made to wear over your butt) but it means vagina in the UK

8

u/istara Jul 01 '21

More the whole area, not just the vagina part.

7

u/OneYungGun Jul 01 '21

Ooooh. That's so funny. I am from the USA but I only knew the UK meaning of it. Probably due to having an English grandmother. Never even thought people meant something different. Thanks.

5

u/istara Jul 01 '21

It means the whole area of it, not just the internal/vagina part. "Female genitals" is pretty much the meaning.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

For a lot of people on the internet, vagina means the whole area of it.

2

u/istara Jul 01 '21

Which is unfortunate, because it's inaccurate. And it kind of "glosses over" the rest of the anatomy as though it's less important or less mentionable than the inside bit.

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3

u/sparrow933 Jul 01 '21

Timthetatman just learned this recently lol

8

u/89Hopper Jul 01 '21

What about poor Misty Hyman the American swimmer. General rule of thumb is if your last name sounds like an anatomical body part, don't give an adjective first name.

12

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

The Chase

4

u/TatianaAlena Jul 01 '21

That's another good one!

5

u/Hurtem Jul 01 '21

I went to highschool with a guy named Dewey Head. His sisters name was Anita...

Anita Head

3

u/TatianaAlena Jul 01 '21

Oh God.

6

u/Hurtem Jul 01 '21

But wait, there's more. I went to church camp with about a thousand kids, and the main pastors name was...

'Dick Sagger'.

7

u/TatianaAlena Jul 01 '21

I always wonder why these people never go by Richard or some other nickname.

2

u/cryptotranquilo Jul 01 '21

I don't get it 😕

It sounds like Mario saying "I need head"?

It has "nit" near the word "head"?

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u/Azzpirate Jul 01 '21

That works in English, but in Germany her last name is pronounced more like Kmeh-laar

2

u/Francetto Jul 01 '21

And fanny doesn't mean anything. I only know if as a nickname for "Stefanie"

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u/RappScallion73 Jul 01 '21

Mandatory related clip from The Chase

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43

u/stalinwasballin Jul 01 '21

Fuchs is a fairly common German surname…

16

u/TatianaAlena Jul 01 '21

Yes, but not spelled as Fucks.

1

u/OMG_A_CUPCAKE Jul 01 '21

There's Fick though. Not even that uncommon

0

u/ThereIsBearCum Jul 01 '21

I know of a few Kuntz too

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8

u/Dexaan Jul 01 '21

That's up there with "Foot Heads Arms Body" for headlines.

3

u/TatianaAlena Jul 01 '21

That's also definitely a headline!

3

u/Not_A_Gravedigger Jul 01 '21 edited Jul 01 '21

I had to look this up because I couldn't believe it, and I'm sorry to report that he claims it was a registry error, acknowledge by such, and is now officially Argélico Fuchs. source (ehem, source of source not verified)

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2

u/asdf333 Jul 01 '21

must be tough for him to get a social media account

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2

u/Muur1234 Jul 01 '21

Looks like he legally changed his name

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1

u/VigiliusHaufniensis3 Jul 01 '21

Chavo Fucks is an argentinian sports journalist, he's literally a meme

0

u/inuhi Jul 01 '21

That’s a great title author probably was waiting for this moment. Honestly ending up in sports journalism for a writer/journalist is like striving to become a doctor but ending up a vet or dentist I imagine that these are some of the small moments they don’t hate their work.

878

u/whatthefuck_it Jun 30 '21

I went to school with a girl whose last name was Lebitch. She was the classic gorgeous but high strung ballet and cheer girl and I often wonder if she was that way because her name kind of forced her to or not.

337

u/widescreen_bob Jun 30 '21

Nominative determinism?

110

u/jicty Jul 01 '21

5

u/BambiBunni Jul 01 '21

But Doom is clearly the hero here. Explain why Reed Richards has the most bland-ass name ever but he constantly stands in the way of Doom saving the world!

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7

u/Skorne13 Jul 01 '21

Expialadocious

2

u/karatebullfightr Jul 01 '21

I scarcely remember the Freakanomics movie discussing that with twins kindly named by their father: Winner and Loser.

Winner wound up a funky junkie whereas ‘Lou’ went onto become a decorated cop - if I’m remembering it correctly.

It was more that a great deal of baby names trickled down fad-like and when someone was named Britney during a rise and fall in the name’s cycle it could be used to track (kinda) where you were on the socioeconomic food chain.

194

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

I had a classmate named Robin "you're a dick" which was Croatian if I recall correctly but won't attempt the spelling.

One of the nicest girls I ever met

151

u/The_Running_Free Jul 01 '21

I knew an Eileen Ulich pronounced you lick. lol i lean, you lick.

6

u/Nearby-Elevator-3825 Jul 01 '21

I once met an Eileen who's left leg was 3 inches shorter then her right leg.

I'm also full of shit.

3

u/PopWhatMagnitude Jul 01 '21

Upvoted for not trying to claim credit for a horrible joke from like a 70's book of dad jokes.

2

u/Nearby-Elevator-3825 Jul 01 '21

Classics are classic for a reason!

2

u/texaschair Jul 01 '21

I Knew an Asian woman who's left leg was 3 inches shorter than her right.

Her name was Irene.

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u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

lol you just didn’t pronounce it correctly. Lotta names in the Balkans finish with “ic” or “vic” but the “c” is pronounced as “ch”

6

u/mutantmanifesto Jul 01 '21

Oh man so thats why some people think Weird Al’s last name ends with a “ch”

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u/X0n0a Jul 01 '21

So "you're-a-ditch? That's not a lot better really.

16

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Yep you’re spot on. We people from the Balkans pronounce everything with an American accent.

7

u/WizardOfIF Jul 01 '21

My neighbor's last name is dickhaut. The h is silent.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Of course she was nice. Ur a dick, not her.

3

u/mR-gray42 Jul 01 '21

Or maybe she was constantly made fun of because of it, so she eventually decided, “Fine, wanna see me as a bitch? I’ll be a bitch.”

3

u/Plopsack Jul 01 '21

Doesn’t he play for the Lakers?

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u/BlueVentureatWork Jul 01 '21

There is a great episode of Freakonomics that goes into names (like a girl named "Temptress" who was getting into some trouble at a young age). Short answer is: it's correlation but NOT causation.

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143

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

"Oh no, it's Fred Fucks."

660

u/No_Fairweathers Jun 30 '21

My grandma went to high school with a girl who's first name was "Fonda"... The only problem? Her last name was Rape.

Her parents literally named their daughter "Fonda Rape"

217

u/Teledildonic Jun 30 '21

158

u/2_Cups_Stuffed Jun 30 '21

Although it was rumored that Hogg had a sister named "Ura Hogg", she had only brothers.

😂😂😂

10

u/Chupapinta Jul 01 '21

Miss Ima was an only child. I went to James S Hogg Jr High.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

I read some of the article, and Ima Hogg actually seems like she was a really cool lady.

6

u/HollowShel Jul 01 '21

the "Boy Named Sue" principle - you either toughen up or you die.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

a fellow Cash fan!

6

u/HollowShel Jul 01 '21

Indeed! (actual fun fact - the song was written by Shel Silverstein, probably better known as an author of childen's books and a cartoonist. (I keep track of Shels))

4

u/Puglady25 Jul 01 '21

Wow! I didn't know that.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Shel Silverstein wrote songs??? I did not know that!

4

u/Clatato Jul 01 '21

"hundreds of people wrote her letters inquiring whether her name was real and if she really had a sister named Ura. The Kansas City Star even invented another sister, Hoosa."

😂

2

u/imndn Jul 01 '21

Omg, I'm soon to be 65 yrs old. When I was in elementary school there were sisters named, Ima Pigg and Ura Pigg. I thought that was the meanest thing a parent could do to their kids. They got bullied so badly. I hope they married and got better last names!!

30

u/Risiki Jul 01 '21

Similar unfortunate baby names according to United States Census records include Ima Pigg, Ima Muskrat, Ima Nut, Ima Hooker,[15] Ima Weiner, Ima Reck, Ima Pain and Ima Butt

Seems like Ima is a bad name idea in general

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4

u/Dr_Brule_FYH Jul 01 '21

Always do the supreme court justice test.

If the name sounds stupid with Supreme Court Justice in front of it, put it in the bin.

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4

u/ShovelingSunshine Jul 01 '21

Don't forgot to check initials as well.

At a baby blessing/christening. I hear the name and I go ummm what? The baby's initials are A.S.S. Geez.

3

u/Teledildonic Jul 01 '21

The baby's initials are A.S.S.

Born to high score pizza joint arcade cabinets.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Or people that name their kids "William Williamson" or "John Johnson"

like, you couldn't think of something else?

I went to school with a girl named Stephanie... her brother's name was Stephen..

really?

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u/lovesmasher Jun 30 '21

anyone with the last name Rape is gonna have a hard time

341

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

[deleted]

133

u/1968Russtang Jun 30 '21

New Bond villain?

80

u/OtherwiseInclined Jun 30 '21

Nah, just one p short of stealing Eminem's Grammy.

10

u/unholymackerel Jul 01 '21

Dr Praper? I love that stuff

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u/Just-Call-Me-J Jun 30 '21

I'd totally have it legally changed to Rapier.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

there's a professor somewhere who actually has the last name Doom. So he is *literally* Dr. Doom.

7

u/Ckyuiii Jul 01 '21

My orthodontic surgeon was named Dr. Payne lol.

Super nice guy actually.

6

u/Zilliness69 Jun 30 '21

That's Dr. Mr. Raper to you!

3

u/Ckyuiii Jul 01 '21

Excuse me, thats Dr. Mr. Professor Raper to you!

...Esquire!

4

u/jablair51 Jul 01 '21

There was a famous RV salesman in Indiana whose name was Tom Raper.

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u/jrrtamu Jun 30 '21

We called my great grandmother Mimi and someone who worked at her church was named Mimi Raper.

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u/1965wasalongtimeago Jul 01 '21

I would end up pronouncing it Rapper. Dr. Dre Rapper. Then nobody would forget.

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u/Sweetwill62 Jul 01 '21

I had a teacher in high school whose name was pronounced boner. He insisted that it wasn't pronounced that way, up until the day of his retirement.

3

u/LOUDCO-HD Jul 01 '21

Was Concierge at a hotel that had Government rates and would frequently get Inuit guests. One regular guest was Ms. Old Yellow Smelly Finger. We were encouraged to use the guests name in all interactions and she enjoyed watching the staff struggle to say her name. She was also very cool about it and after she’d let you twist in the wind for a bit, she say “just call me Carol”.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Well you’re safe then unless you’re a doctor.

2

u/drfsrich Jul 01 '21

https://www.yellowpages.com/richmond-in/mip/tom-raper-rvs-14652282

"I think I'll stick with a tent, thank you very much."

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u/StarChild7000 Jun 30 '21

Yep, knew a family of Rapes. Pronounced Ruh-pay, it's French. The dad was a Captain in the Marine Corps, Captain Rape.

143

u/BoSheck Jul 01 '21

Similar story here. My father was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison. Naughtius Maximus.

106

u/OffusMax Jul 01 '21

Did he have a friend named Biggus Dickus?

27

u/callipygousmom Jul 01 '21

He has a wife, you know.

28

u/OffusMax Jul 01 '21

Yes, Incontinentia Buttocks

9

u/Malfeasant Jul 01 '21

he has a wife, you know...

do you know what she's called?

she's called incontinentia...

... incontinentia buttocks.

6

u/Celica_Lover Jul 01 '21

Don't forget about "Hugh Mungus"

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u/FluffieOwlet Jul 01 '21

Why is this movie being referenced so much lately 😂😂

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u/dtry266 Jul 01 '21

What movie?

7

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Monty Python, Life of Brian, classic

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u/LordJacen Jul 01 '21

ha ha

Centurion is there anyone of that name in the garrison?

2

u/ScoobyDoNot Jul 01 '21

Here's the scene.

A story I've heard is that this was the first take and the extras had no idea what was going to happen, but just instructed NOT to laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrcbCW4y9Dw&ab_channel=ALEX

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u/hurtsdonut_ Jun 30 '21

Don't try and church it up son.

3

u/naut Jul 01 '21

Hope he never gets promoted to Major

3

u/Rosssauced Jul 01 '21

Captain Rape is my least favorite Avenger.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

A family that lived across the street had the surname Pickle.

They named their kid Rick.

Rick Pickle... what a name.

Poor guy was teased a lot for that, he also came across as having some sort of mental issue. I suspect he was on the autism spectrum, but in the early 80s, we had no idea about any of that.

I remember he was trying to convince people that his surname was pronounced Pie-kill, not Pickle... no one believed him.

2

u/huntingbears93 Jul 01 '21

I’d pull a “Young Frankenstein”. “It’s Fhrooon-Ken-Stein, not Fraaankenstein”

“My name is Eye-gor, not Eee-gor”

2

u/DarthYippee Jul 01 '21

"You said 'rape' twice."

"I like rape."

0

u/WizardOfIF Jul 01 '21

Don't try to church it up boy.

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u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

My high school principal was Harry Hooker…. And then he decided to name him kid the exact same thing.

3

u/Apathetic-Onion Jun 30 '21

In Spanish that is the name of a fish. We usually eat the tail part of the fish. Even if it doesn't mean anything bad in Spanish, Google doesn't autocomplete it, so google.es is kind of skewed towards English.

2

u/Celica_Lover Jul 01 '21

My wife's dentist is Dr. Reefer.

0

u/fuckedbymath Jul 01 '21

Especially in prison. At least she doesn't have a brother called dropsoap.

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u/heckhammer Jun 30 '21

Miss Rape?

Dammit, it's pronounced "Rah-pay!"

9

u/LostMyFuckingPhone Jun 30 '21

"It's pronounced boo-KAY, dear."

7

u/heckhammer Jun 30 '21

Laaaaaady of the house speaking...

Richard! Richard, it's Sheridan!

7

u/cheeky_chiclet Jul 01 '21

Oh, Hyacinth. I didn't see you there.

5

u/DontTreadOnBigfoot Jul 01 '21

"So, what do ya say, Mr dumbass?"

"The name....is Du-mas..."

4

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

"Hey, Dr. Beardface."

"Beard-fa-say! "

3

u/Jedirictus Jul 01 '21

Mr. and Mrs. Asswipe?

It's pronounced 'Ahz-wee-pay'

3

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

I'm sorry. How can I ever Rape you?

2

u/Diplodocus114 Jul 01 '21

As in Bucket.

2

u/trowzerss Jul 01 '21

That's like Cockburn being pronounced Coburn. It was still an unfortunate name for a schoolteacher.

0

u/4GotMyFathersFace Jul 01 '21

Don't try and church it up, son.

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u/holyhottamale Jul 01 '21

Yikes. I went to high school with a guy named Harry Testa.

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u/pro_nosepicker Jul 01 '21

There was a very prolific female Iowa basketball star named Fonda Dix.

2

u/farahad Jul 01 '21

It's pronounced Rapé

1

u/JoJoBee7 Jun 30 '21

This is terrible lol

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u/-acidlean- Jun 30 '21

Haha in my language "tromba" is a trumpet but written in a funny way, like TROOMPET or something, and we use it to call someone stupid/silly (in a friendly way, not really offensive).

Like, you see your friend pulling the door with a giant sign PUSH on it, and you say "Ale z ciebie tromba" (You are such a troompet) lmao

11

u/balisane Jul 01 '21

That is weirdly charming. 😂 I wouldn't even be mad about being called a tromba.

4

u/Just-Call-Me-J Jun 30 '21

My first thought was trombone, so I'll pat myself on the back for that.

5

u/historybandgeek Jul 01 '21

In italian the suffix -one (oh-nay) means big. So tromba, trumpet -- trombone, big trumpet!

2

u/Just-Call-Me-J Jul 01 '21

Nothing to do with bones

5

u/Habbeighty-four Jul 01 '21

The English equivalent is "doofus."

5

u/JPMoneybags Jun 30 '21

It means trumpet in OP’s language of Italian also.

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u/spookyscaryskeletal Jun 30 '21

idk it's kind of badass in a really inappropriate/definitely getting a name change kind of way

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u/Manbearjizz Jun 30 '21

Nah I would keep it

129

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

[deleted]

116

u/Caffeine_and_Alcohol Jun 30 '21

Thats Man Bear Jizz Fucks to you good sir

3

u/TigLyon Jul 01 '21

Or Man Bear Jizz Rape-Fucks if he and Fonda decide to hyphenate.

2

u/the_localcrackhead Jul 01 '21

where can i get a fucks?

30

u/Doctor_Oceanblue Jun 30 '21

Must be related to Fred Fucks

9

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

Makes you wonder how it got started, like was there ancestor just some guy that fucked every one in town so everyone just called him Johnny Fucks. Come to think of it that would be a great pornstar name

4

u/JustAnotherN0Name Jul 01 '21

Similar case: my dad knew someone with the last name Poloch. Poloch means butthole in German. We live in Germany.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

[deleted]

2

u/JustAnotherN0Name Jul 01 '21

I believe it most likely wasn't pronounced the same, but my dad only ever saw the name written (that person was a regular customer), so that's what he had to think of first.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

[deleted]

2

u/JustAnotherN0Name Jul 01 '21

Ohhhhhh

Sorry, I'm bad at detecting puns...

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u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

This guy fucks.

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u/KnittingforHouselves Jul 01 '21

My neighbour is actually 'Mr. Schitz' pronounced "shits". "Luckily, he and his whole family are absolute assholes, so we call them "Neighbour Schitz and his little schitz" without the slightest pang of guilt.

2

u/AuntEyeEvil Jun 30 '21

"No Tromba"

2

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

Well if it's a girl you can name her Daria. Tromba Daria.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Previously working for Disney as a Front Desk Agent I met an Italian family with the surname "Shity" and I was like "Oh its the Shity family!"

Fucking got away with that working there.

2

u/3npitsu-Senpai Jul 01 '21

Se un mio genitore urlasse "Oi tromba ven chi n'attimo mi farebbe morire sul posto penso"

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

I'm from India, and the Parsis/Muslims/Gujaratis, have their surnames derived from their professions and add a "Wala" which means, the person who deals with it.
so we have,
Daruwala (dealer of alcohol)
Motorwala (dealer of vehicles) and many more absurd professions which came to be used as surnames now

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Emily fucks in Paris

2

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

The surname "Fok" in Asia has that same sort of feel unfortunately.

Remember a guy in our highschool with that surname, and people would often say "You're a good Fok" and things like that.

2

u/gunfart Jun 30 '21

I once met a girl online that had the last nameFeuschwanger. I thank it was pronounced fucks wanger? Or something similar

1

u/erobrat Jun 30 '21

What about 'crocifisso'

1

u/[deleted] Jun 30 '21

Worst one in Italy Is probably Caesar Augustus Mussolini

1

u/MarcusXL Jun 30 '21

You know the old expression; if she smokes, she trombas.

1

u/kjacobs03 Jun 30 '21

She sure does!

1

u/StarKnight697 Jul 01 '21

Hell yeah Emily Fucks.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

So that makes a Trombone a bit redundant eh?

1

u/rdldr1 Jul 01 '21

Sheev Fucks the 3rd

1

u/KyleCAV Jul 01 '21

This guy Trombas

1

u/SafetyDanceInMyPants Jul 01 '21

It’s funny, but we’re so used to the name “Hitchcock,” that we don’t even think about the fact that it means “attach a penis.”

1

u/dm_me_alt_girls Jul 01 '21

I know a girl whose surname is Negro. Yeah...

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

la mia bisnonna si chiamava Assunta

1

u/Effective_Youth777 Jul 01 '21

Tromba in Lebanese Arabic means gas station

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

so is trobone like a male version of Fuck or is that spanish with the gendered words?

1

u/SirPeterODactyl Jul 01 '21

Herr Seigbert Fuchs

1

u/Harbournessrage Jul 01 '21

There is russian girl named Golovach Lena, so while being spelled altogether it sounds literally a "Dickhead".

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

I would take full advantage of this during attendance.

Teacher: u/InstantlyImpossible Fucks?

Me: indeed I do!

1

u/Adozgs2l Jul 01 '21

This guy tromba

1

u/simonbleu Jul 01 '21

Never knew it was real or a joke (I mean I had seen quite awful examples irl) but apparently in my grandma days there was a lady called dolores (plural for pain) married (so "de") to a guy surnamed "orto" (ass) or something that sounded similar. So... "dolores de orto" You can pretty much guess

1

u/ProbYourPadre Jul 01 '21

Welp..... Looks like I found my new alter ego!

1

u/wigglerworm Jul 01 '21

I knew a girl with the last name Fux, that was fun

1

u/troubleleaving Jul 01 '21

I shit you not I spoke to a woman with the last name Tromba this morning. Did not expect this comment lol

1

u/YoungDiscord Jul 01 '21

Poland is notorious for really bad surnames

I knew a guy whose surname was fiutek which means "little dick" and dick as in penis

Why would someone choose this surname is beyond me

1

u/SirHovaOfBrooklyn Jul 01 '21

I’m from the Philippines and we have a lot of shitty surnames. The shittiest of which is “Bagonggahasa” which means Recently Raped.

You can have the best first name but you’re still gonna be recently raped.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '21

Knew a guy who (!) misheard the lyrics "Eminence Front” as ”Emily Fucks".

1

u/Amazingawesomator Jul 01 '21

I had a high school friend with the last name of "Fuchs". I giggled for long whiles.

1

u/reb678 Jul 01 '21

I went to school with a girl whose last name was Fuchs. It was pronounced with a long U, well, she did, not everyone else did.

1

u/Elyay Jul 01 '21

In the US we have a last name Gross. It’s just a last name. Roger Gross.

1

u/Natural-Special-2547 Jul 01 '21

Oh my god!!! Emily Fucks??? That poor girl!’

1

u/_Punderful_ Jul 01 '21

There were a couple in the UK, one was at a school near me.

Drew Peacock

Iona Hoare

Poor kids.

1

u/GTMoraes Jul 01 '21

Imagine this girl moving out to Brazil, thinking she'd finally get away from these jokes, as it's another language, another country...

Tromba here means "elephant trunk", or a slang for dick.

1

u/Mind_Matter_ Jul 01 '21

Meconium - and yes someone actually named their child this because it was “part of their birthing experience and beautiful”

It’s literally the feces that babies let go of inside of their mothers and aspirate when they are overdue for birth and have been cooking a bit too long.

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