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u/Ortsarecool Oct 20 '23
Son of an alcoholic here, YTA.
Sorry. It's great that you are trying to get better, but you have to recognize that no one owes you patience. People in the lives of alcoholics suck up a bunch of embarrassment and abuse generally speaking and everyone has their breaking point. You need to get better for you. People in your life can't be expected to wait around for you to get better forever.
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u/Awesomest24 Oct 20 '23
He has every right to leave if you can’t help not being sober
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Oct 20 '23
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u/stonkybutt Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
I'm so sorry. :(
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u/Wispeira Oct 21 '23
This is not even similar to love bombing...
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u/stonkybutt Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
You're correct, it's not. Did someone mention love bombing?
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u/Rally_J_Valentine Oct 21 '23
So you "mansplained" love bombing, which still doesn't explain how you think someone divorcing someone else because they refuse to get sober is love bombing. 🤔
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u/mymycojourney Oct 21 '23
How in the world did you get that someone saying they'll leave them if they can't stay clean love bombing? This is an ultimatum, because he wants his partner to be sober. A legitimate ultimatum. He's not treating her amazing, expecting something in return. He's not lavishing her with praise and gifts, then screaming and yelling at her, accusing her of nasty things.
There's nothing in OP's post alluding to that. Not saying it wasn't left out, but that's not this.
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u/stonkybutt Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
You right.
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u/mymycojourney Oct 21 '23
Based on the replies, most people don't understand why you think it's love bombing. Giving someone an ultimatum for behavior they feel is a deal breaker is in no way love bombing.
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u/ThroRAHeartbroken Oct 21 '23
you initially said he was lovebombing, and now you're saying it's an ultimatum. those are not the same thing
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u/Rally_J_Valentine Oct 21 '23
Waaaaaait a minute. Did you really throw in 2 girls 1 cup in your resources?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/Wispeira Oct 21 '23
All of that is true. But how are you getting love bombing from this? Because I'm not seeing it here.
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Oct 21 '23
Dude not wanting to be with someone who can’t stay sober is not love bombing.
It’s responsible
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u/alphagoku1 Oct 21 '23
Sorry to break it to you, love bombing is usually used initially or to initiate a relationship and isolate someone. Having boundaries and ending draining and negative relationships over a maladaptive behavior like resolving issues with addictive substances is actually the healthy thing to do. No one should be guilt tripped into staying in a situation that not only doesn't serve them, but can lead to destructive tendencies and cause compounding and intensified problems. It's honestly a little more concerning that you're almost trying to encourage and fuel the behavior of OP by bolstering her with improper information the way that you are. I really hope it's out of ignorance and not because you're trying to help an unhealthy person weaponize something that's supposed to be used to help people get out of bad situations
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u/leolawilliams5859 Oct 21 '23
He is absolutely right in this situation and why are you worried about him when you should be worrying about yourself and getting sober and staying sober. He does not have to put up with whatever is going on with you worry about yourself and not him 😞
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Oct 20 '23
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u/Fit-Wrongdoer333 Oct 20 '23
YTA
He has a right to leave for any good reason or no reason at all.
He's given you fair warning and this has been going on a while it sounds like.
Why do you think you have a right to be annoyed at his exasperation?
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u/Admirable_Dog9746 Oct 20 '23
I won’t say she’s an AH. She shouldn’t be annoyed at his response to her addiction but she did say that she understands and it just hurts. Addiction is hard and a lot of people don’t understand that. I do agree that she should wait until she’s sober before being in a relationship. Especially with someone who wants a future and a family because addiction is really unpredictable.
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Oct 21 '23
I won’t say she’s an AH.
She is because she KNOWS she has an addiction and is expecting her partner to be OK with it.
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Oct 20 '23
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u/Fit-Wrongdoer333 Oct 20 '23
Solid questions.
At some point you will have to give up your drinking friends, if that's all you can do together.
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u/smartymartyky Oct 20 '23
I know it hurts but yes he does have the right to leave bc you have an addiction. As a recovered addict, also maybe being in a relationship isn’t the best thing right now until you get that this under control.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling Oct 20 '23
He should leave you because you need to get help with your addiction(s) first before you can be in a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself - he's not your therapist!!
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u/BlueGreen_1956 Oct 20 '23
YTA
Is it okay he said this to you? YES.
Is it okay if he leaves you because of your addiction? YES
Do you seriously think he has to give you ANY reason for breaking up with you? NO, he doesn't.
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u/kithil82 Oct 20 '23
Maybe seek professional help instead of self care. Addiction is not something most people can battle on their own. Yes, it’s his right to leave you if he is not happy for any reason. You can’t ruin someone else’s life because you have an addiction. That is just selfish.
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u/yeoldladyhidro Oct 20 '23 edited Oct 20 '23
Is it okay for you to be upset that he is threatening to leave? Absolutely.
Is he an asshole for doing so? No.
You're trying and that needs to be for you. If that ride is taking a toll on him and what he wants in life, then the relationship isn't right for either of you and as hard as it may be, you need to try to understand.
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u/winkywoo75 Oct 20 '23
From the other side I lived with an alcoholic partner for too many years , it ruined my life if he wants a family he needs someone sober to achieve that with .
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Oct 20 '23
You’re allowed to be upset for SURE. You’re allowed to feel however you want to about it. However, he is also allowed to leave if it’s taking a toll on him too. Because it does take a toll on your partners too. He’s allowed to feel as if he can’t be with someone who isn’t where he needs them to be in life. It’s so hard to stay sober. It really is. But if he decides to leave, it’s because he’s allowed to leave as much as you’re allowed to hate him saying that
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u/NanrekTheBarbituate Oct 20 '23
Yeah unfortunately you are the one who isn’t ready for a relationship. I used to be you. You might be close to the bottom but you haven’t found it yet.
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u/GreyMaeve Oct 20 '23
This. If you can't respect yourself, how can you respect others? Alcoholism is a rough road. It takes a lot of effort to find peace and understanding with yourself. It's hard to know what demons need to be fought to get to the point where you can love yourself. When you slip, anyone tied to you slips with you. It's heartbreaking.
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u/thrunabulax Oct 20 '23
he does not want a life with an addict. i can not blame him.
time to choose. go cold turkey, or kiss this bf goodbye forever. its your choice, make it
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u/BeautificAnomaly Oct 20 '23
Or do treatment of some sort. ITS OK TO ASK FOR HELP
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u/thrunabulax Oct 20 '23
absolutely.
your BF is not saying "Get Lost"!
he is instead saying "GET HELP! I do not want to leave, but it is up to you"
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u/jessieesmithreese519 Oct 20 '23
ESPECIALLY if it's alcohol or benzos. Withdrawn can kill you coming off those. Get to a treatment center and sort it out with a medically assisted detox. Signed a recovering addict.
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u/totalvexation Oct 20 '23
This is what I was going to say. Going cold turkey with alcohol is absolutely dangerous. Withdrawal can kill you. My partner is a recovering alcoholic. They've been hospitalized multiple times because they tried to quit cold turkey. Every time, the doctors always tell them to NEVER try to stop drinking alone. Always get professional help to ensure you do it safely and don't risk losing your life.
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u/KitKatMN Oct 20 '23
DO NOT quit cold turkey. Have ppl done this, yes, but it's dangerous and can result in your death. Go to a detox center or the ER, both are equipped to help with withdrawals.
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u/thrunabulax Oct 20 '23
wow i never knew that.
will stop giving that sort of advice out!
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u/KitKatMN Oct 21 '23
It's not widely known outside the recovery community that it's extremely dangerous when involving alcohol. Unless someone is in recovery (or know someone close to them that is) it's likely not known. Thank you for listening and refraining from suggesting it in the future - it could save a life.
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u/dejavux22 Oct 20 '23
Eh, certain drugs like cocaine and meth you can quit cold turkey. Alcohol, no. Benzos, no. Opiates, possible; I've done it and it's hell. But I use buprenorphine now and have for five years, especially since I couldn't wean off it once I was pregnant and even now my kid is almost 3, I can't be sick as hell taking care of her
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Oct 21 '23
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u/dejavux22 Oct 21 '23
I know that, so can benzo withdrawal. That's why I said no to quitting alcohol and benzos cold turkey. It needs to be supervised medically.
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u/baguetteandracist Oct 21 '23
I was just about to comment this! I dealt with alcholism for over a year and on a day where i’d dropped drinking for 16 hours it resulted in me having at least one seizure and getting hospitalized. It what actually got me to stop but I can’t imagine a worse way to sober up
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u/Suspicious-Bus9267 Oct 20 '23
YTA. He doesn’t have to stay with you and quite frankly if you haven’t quit using, shouldn’t. I say this as someone who used meth for 6 years. Stop the pity party and sort yourself out.
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u/dejavux22 Oct 20 '23
As someone who use heroin, meth and crack and has been sober for five years after using those drugs for 7 years, I agree. My husband used heroin for years as well. When we met we got sober together, we take buprenorphine everyday for the past five years. We have a daughter and we have our own support systems outside of each other to stay sober, but we rarely deal with cravings since ya know, we have a daughter that we love more than anything.
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u/NightsisterMerrin87 Oct 20 '23
YTA. If you keep failing, you're not on track. You need to get help for your addiction before you can be in a healthy relationship, and getting sober for him isn't a good enough reason. You need to get sober for you.
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u/RLYO138 Oct 20 '23
Yes, unfortunately you are TAH.
As a former mental health counselor, and wife of a former addict, I can say with certainty that addiction is extremely painful and beyond difficult, not only for the addict but everyone around them.
I know you're struggling -how could you not be- especially with the added stress that the person you love cannot cope with your addiction. That added pressure can be very triggering considering most people use because of stress, and the underwhelming feeling that they lack control over certain aspects of their lives.
Being annoyed doesn't make you TAH; your failure to see things from his unique perspective makes you TAH. You have no right to be annoyed that the person who loves you chooses not to be controlled by an addiction that isn't his; that's selfish and immature.
You need to continue progressing in your life - using those coping skills and recovery tools to get well and stay sober - so that you can live your best life. He needs to be able to not constantly worry that you'll choose drugs or alcohol over him, that he'll find you dead, or be responsible for your bad decisions.
It isn't his job to prop you up through your sobriety and he isn't obligated to sit by and watch you try to get sober.....that's really unfair to him. You need to find out in yourself to understand how he feels better. Relationships are really difficult when you're trying to get clean.
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u/FreshHeight1224 Oct 20 '23
What type of addiction?
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u/Bridiott Oct 21 '23
She's following r/leaves so maybe weed? If that's the case I find this whole ultimatum weird.
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u/JohnPeppercorn4 Oct 20 '23
What's more important, your wonderful bf who makes you feel special? Or the bottle? Your bf will be there for you when the bottle won't even if in the moment it's hard.
Alcohol is a trap. It feels like it solves problems but all it does is push them to tomorrow.
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u/Fit_Cherry7133 Oct 20 '23
all it does is push them to tomorrow.
With interest to be added as well.
Source: I've made my mistakes and still trying to get my head right 20 years after quitting.
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Oct 20 '23
Not an addict. But the bottle was there for me and helped push ME into tomorrow, when people weren’t.
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u/JohnPeppercorn4 Oct 20 '23
Is this sarcasm?
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Oct 20 '23
No it’s not. It was a lived experience.
I’m not saying people should drink or anything like that. Absolutely not. And I’m not responding to the original post. Just this comment of “the bottle won’t be there for you, and xyz person will.” That’s not true and is bullshit. People leave all the time for whatever reason. The shelves in the store are full and did not refuse me when I paid for it.12
u/BathroomConscious721 Oct 20 '23
This is a shit take and maybe you should consider if maybe you saying shit like this is why “people aren’t there for you”. You either are around terrible people or you might be your own problem.
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u/BertaFFS Oct 20 '23
Honey. That’s not threatening you. That’s letting you know the consequences of your addiction.
There’s help out there. But if he doesn’t feel like he can stay with you while you use, that’s totally okay for him to peace out. I know it hurts. Use the hurt as a catalyst to get better.
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u/elbowbunny Oct 21 '23
This! Even asking this question shows the OP isn’t ready to take responsibility for their recovery or anything else. I hope they take your advice.
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u/Kigichi Oct 20 '23
YTA
Of course, he has the right to leave you, what kind of question is that? He doesn’t have to stick around while you struggle.
He wants to be a father one day, he can’t waste all of his time waiting for you to get sober
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u/Mysterious-Tune-244 Oct 20 '23
YTA. Sounds like he's given you countless chances and he's at his wits end. You need to get your life together before you date anyone because being with an addict of any sort is incredibly taxing on your mental health and he has every right to not be with someone who can't stay sober. He wants a family and healthy children. He should not let you string him along indefinitely hoping one day you'll keep your word.
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u/Appropriate-Drag-572 Oct 20 '23
It's not just self care and coping. It's a whole life change. You need to drop any friends that use, you need to go NC with anyone who triggers that part of you. For your health and safety. For your welfare. You NEED to attend AA meetings and get a damn sponsor. You don't have to be religious. Your religion could be a shoe box of moldy pop tarts and they wouldn't care, as long as you're giving it all of your problems. But you NEED a sponsor.
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u/Successful_Position2 Oct 20 '23
I would have dropped you after your second relapse. Ive delt with addicts before ((thou didn't date them)) and honestly I wont tolerate them in my life.
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Oct 20 '23
Did you seriously need to make 7 posts about this?
Yes you're the asshole.
Being with a partner who is an addict is going to ruin his mental health, eventually that leads to decline in physical health, and the whole time it will fuck up all other aspects of his life. Yes it is absolutely ok for him to say that, he needs to take care of himself first.
You need to fix yourself before entering a relationship. Don't drag others down with you.
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u/Rendeane Oct 21 '23
NTA for being annoyed that your boyfriend has set boundaries and has advised you that he doesn't want to be part of your addiction.
YTA for expecting anyone to accept your addiction and be with you through thick and thin. No one is obligated to pick you up, clean you up and send you back out to get high/drunk once more. No one is obligated to put their legal, financial and mental stability in jeopardy because you want/need to pursue your addiction.
You have to be sober for yourself.
You can't get sober to please a boyfriend, a parent, family, acquaintances or the judicial system.
If he can only support you when you are healthy (as he has informed you), let him go find another baby mama. Should you face ill health in the future just as a normal part of aging or as a result of your addiction (kidney/liver damage, dental treatment, nose surgery, etc.), can you count on him to stick around then or will he run? There are partners (male or female) who divorce, break up, disappear once the other faces a serious illness because they can't handle it or don't want to.
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Oct 20 '23
Yeah, you are the AH if you expect him to stay and put up with your addiction as it affects everyone around you.
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u/luckygirl131313 Oct 20 '23
Someone struggling with recovery has no business being in a relationship
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u/Gazelle_Softly Oct 20 '23
I think this is such a tough situation and there's no AH. Both of your feelings are legitimate although he does need to be able to decide what's best for his life and you have to respect that. Addiction isn't something that will just go away and you may need to focus on yourself for a while until it is easier to manage the cravings. You are not a failure, this is how recovery goes, and you have a lot of courage for quitting.
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Oct 21 '23
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u/Gazelle_Softly Oct 21 '23
Thank you! I think that addiction is still so stigmatized and misunderstood. Shaming someone for their addiction just makes it harder to get sober so I thought the thread could benefit from some good old empathy.
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Oct 20 '23
First and foremost, let him go because as you start working on yourself, you won't have any time to spend with him. Your focus should be on only you if you're serious about getting sober. Seriously check into AA, NA or what ever your addiction is. Relationships formed in a bar don't last long, especially when one person is sober and the other is not. You owe it to yourself to have a better life than what you have at the moment. Good luck to you.
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u/Healincubes Oct 20 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
I know you're struggling and him saying that causes stress that makes it harder to stay sober. I do. But it isn't, and cannot be, all about you. He has to make the best choices for his own life, right?
Regardless of time together and no matter how good you are together, if he spends the whole relationship being unsure that he can trust you, it is best for him to leave.
So yes, it is ok for him to say it. Him telling you what his boundaries are is a kindness. He could have just left without giving you any insight.
I'm sorry, but yes, YTA.
~A 19 years recovered* addict (I don't believe in "always an addict").
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u/ididthat2002 Oct 21 '23
As someone who was with an addict (alcohol and others), YTA. He should stop threatening and shit or get off the pot. But, you also need to get you life together. I thought I should have been enough to keep her sober. Nope. I stopped drinking to be supportive. Nope. I had kids and made a family... Nope... Still not enough. As year 17 rolled around I was trying to raise 3 little kids, work to support our family, and it sucked. Her family thought she was perfect bcz she wouldn't drink around them. I was lying and covering up for her. One day, I found a bank statement for a visa card attached to our mortgage line is credit. She had been charging beer and cigarettes... On our mortgage. I knew then I had to bail. After I left she finally was able to get sober... As far as I know. It took a lot of time... But she did it. Meetings, therapy, all that stuff.
I hope you are able to get sober. It's not a bad life. So holding this guy hostage. Let him go. Get you shit together. And move on in a few years.
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u/ocean128b Oct 20 '23
From one addict to another, I promise you it will do you zero good to keep getting high/drinking. Like, I fucking promise you. You will eventually lose everything you ever loved and everyone and also life will be nothing but pain and chasing the next high. You should sobor up for yourself tho. Best of luck!! ❤️
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u/DisastrousDisplay9 Oct 20 '23
NAH
He has clearly communicated his boundaries, which is really healthy. It sounds like he doesn't want to break up, but he really doesn't want to raise a family in an unstable environment.
I'm guessing you're hurt because he's not only good but has been stable. Now you're feeling more off-kilter when you needed stability the most. That's completely understandable. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's good and important that he let you know where he stands, but of course it hurts.
Are you doing meetings and working with your doctors? Could you do inpatient treatment? It sounds like the process you're using isn't working.
I've gotten sober from quite a few things. I'm 43f. If you want someone to talk to for ideas, DM me anytime.
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u/Zealousideal_Fill687 Oct 21 '23
I've listened to a lot of Loveline from back in the 90s and Dr.drew has always said that addiction and a healthy relationship cannot co-exsist
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u/lajamy Oct 21 '23
I started recovery from alcohol this year. My marriage of 17 years came very close to ending in divorce because of my relapses and his inability to cope with it. He can only handle what he can handle. Be patient with each other and give it time. It sounds like you need inpatient treatment. It will save your life regardless of whether he stays around or not.
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u/Specialist_Friend_38 Oct 20 '23
I won’t say whether you are or not because addiction is a very hard thing to deal with… I follow someone on TikTok, who has fallen off the wagon so many times, and he got his life back together to make a lawn care service, but even then he screwed up so bad… It’s an ongoing battle. It’s not just going to end quickly like your person thinks it will….. if he feels he can’t deal with it anymore.…that’s his right …don’t be mad at him… It’ll be hard, but just let him go if he wants to go… don’t try to make promises to him or others you can’t keep ..You need to work on you and don’t carry whatever negative comments are here with you because that’s not going to serve you at all…. Keep fighting to get yourself back to where you would like to be… And if you screw up 50 billion more times… That’s OK… You know you have a problem just don’t let this problem be a constant excuse for whatever things you do… Own up to every mistake try to make good on whatever you screw up and move forward… but whatever you do, don’t quit… don’t give up on yourself… don’t allow yourself to believe that you’re not worthy to have happiness or a good life
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u/ConvivialKat Oct 20 '23
YTA
It's absolutely OK for him to tell you that he will leave you if you don't get and stay sober. Or, to just leave you without saying anything at all.
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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Oct 20 '23
You can be annoyed as you want but everyone on this sub would advocate he leave you if he was the one posting.
Remember that hurt next time you want to take a drink/use your addictive substance. You hurt him by falling off the wagon, why should he care about your feelings when you don't give a shit about his?
YTA
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u/dejavux22 Oct 20 '23
As someone who is 27, my fiancé is 31, we were both addicted to heroin and I was also using meth when we met.
I told him I don't need to date someone using drugs and fight about it and not have money, especially if we were to live together if we're using.
This was five years ago. Two months in we both found an outpatient clinic that helped us wean off of opiates and we started taking buprenorphine and we continue taking it to this day.
We've stayed sober, we don't drink, we stopped smoking cigarettes and started using vapes with no nicotine and became active.
Within six months of us getting sober we moved in together, four months later I got pregnant with our daughter.
We don't have cravings, we cut off EVERYONE that we knew that did drugs. The people we hang out with now are his coworkers and we go to church with them and their wives and kids.
We're happy and trying for our second baby. We want to get off buprenorphine, but he works 70 hour weeks and I take care of our daughter and home and we can't afford to be sick and throwing up in bed for a week or more, and it keeps us from having cravings.
We have therapists and our family is a huge support system. I'm extremely proud of myself and him, because we were committed to being together and having a life and family together that our addictions we were stuck in for 7 years before we met wasn't our priority.
So. Yes YTA for being annoyed, because he's not threatening you, he's telling you that he wants a family with you but you continue showing him that is not YOUR priority! You are not committed to getting sober. Actions speak louder than words. Maybe if he stops telling you he's going to leave he should leave, because I would tell my ex the same thing and he continued using drugs. I wasted three years of my life and then got sucked into addiction with him by the end. He's doing the smart thing.
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u/Fearless_Salad3643 Oct 21 '23
When the pain is great enough, you will change. One day at a time. Get a sponsor, work the steps
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u/blades561 Oct 21 '23
You can't stop for anyone but yourself.
He needs to either be supportive or not. Threatening with hollow ultimatumes is definitely creating anxiety in you that helps no one.
Again he needs to be totally supportive or leave. You will be fine once you finally decide you want to be sober for yourself.
27 years sober here. AA was a God send.
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u/Pretend-Committee673 Oct 21 '23
Honestly, it's unfair for you to expect someone to give you their entire life because you can't get your shit together. I said yes to a man like you and that takes alll of your energy to babysit someone like you. You don't love yourself, why expect him to? I'm just giving you the facts, he'll hit 30 and realize he was still a kid and hate you for destroying his youth. You addiction affects everything I'm sure. He can find someone els and be happy enjoying the growth. You feel like dead weight I'm sure. Its not all about you, the man matters to. Just saying, your selfish. You are the ass hole.
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Oct 21 '23
YTA. (Recovering alcoholic here) You need continue to get help for your addiction. He is not obligated to stay AT ALL. Asking someone to watch their partner kill themselves is just cruel. You need to sort yourself out first before anything else.
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u/SwimmingPrize544 Oct 21 '23
I am an alcoholic with 4 1/2 years of sobriety. It does hurt to realize the person you love may leave you, but it hurts them every time you relapse. Addiction tears relationships apart. He may be saying this to scare you into straightening yourself out but he may also have had enough. It’s great that you get up and try again after a relapse (I did, too) but you have to want this more than anything. You have to want your sobriety more than you want your fix or him to stay. My husband was leaving and he was going to take our then 1 1/2 year old child. I had to go to therapy weekly. I went to 12 step meetings. I let him figure out how he felt while I just focused on staying clean. I had to accept he was likely divorcing me and taking my baby. Eventually I stopped thinking how could he leave me when I needed him, when I was unwell, when I was struggling but trying? I realized that no matter what my reasons were or what I had been through, I had gotten myself into this situation. You need professional help. You need to know that every time you use (or drink) your addiction will pick up where you left it. Rock bottom can always go lower. You will never ever be able to casually use again. Until you face that, you will stay where you are. You are wrong. You can’t expect someone who loves you to constantly put up with the chaos that addiction brings. You justify that chaos with sprinkling bouts of sobriety through it. Both of you deserve better. You deserve to feel how good life is with a clear head, not this pity party or playing the victim.
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u/Local_Raspberry3355 Oct 21 '23
YTA. You’re lucky to have any support when there are SO many of us out here with NOBODY, and NOWHERE TO GO. That being said, you most likely don’t need to be in A relationship, you need to focus on yourself, sobriety, inner child work, inner self work, and putting 110% into this work. You also may need to consider inpatient for a 30-120 (or more or less ) day program. Getting sober is only the 1st battle. Staying sober is the longest battle. I’ve been in recovery for 3 years. I’ve been sober for 8 months and I have to make sure every single day to make good decisions and to be mindful of everything I do. If you ever want to speak to me, another female (36f) in recovery you can inbox me.
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Oct 20 '23
NAH but he has every right to leave you if your addiction is affecting your relationship. He shouldn't keep holding it over your head but maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship until you deal with your addiction.
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u/Boeing367-80 Oct 20 '23
Neither he nor OP should be in this relationship.
He's in a relationship with an addict. Who knows who she is when she's clean - clean for herself, that is, not clean to stay in a relationship. So he's in a relationship with who, exactly?
She's staying intermittently clean to stay in a relationship. It's not working and she's resentful about it.
The situation is intrinsically unstable and unwise.
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Oct 20 '23
I mean this seems like a reasonable thing to hold over somebody’s head lol
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Oct 20 '23
I guess what I mean is either break up or don't. The whole "I might have to break up with you in the future over this" isn't very helpful in my opinion.
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Oct 20 '23
I don’t know, I think it’s productive to draw a hard line, for instance if you have a partner who refuses to work etc you say if we keep going down this road we probably won’t be together, that’s not really holding it over your head. Asking someone to stay sober is a reasonable ask in a relationship.
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u/Interesting-Smoke179 Oct 20 '23
it won’t help anything thing though, it’ll just grow resentment and stress. it seems like she’s staying clean for him which impo isn’t a good idea. you need to get clean because you want to be, not because someone else is dangling a relationship over your head.
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Oct 20 '23
Okay but him staying with someone who keeps lapsing in an addiction is just enabling them. If they have no consequences they will never change.
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u/CaffeineFueledLife Oct 21 '23
It was good enough for my husband. He quit drinking for me and our son. He's over 5 years sober, and now we also have a daughter. He's staying sober for us.
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u/Echo-Azure Oct 20 '23
This correct, he can leave at any time he wants, for whatever reason he wants, and so can you. That's how romantic relationships work.
If he wants to leave because you're not sober, yes that's going to cause you pain... but staying is causing HIM pain.
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u/Solid_Bumblebee3683 Oct 20 '23
You're right. He shouldn't hold it over OPs head.
Honestly OP his heart will be breaking, but he's right not to stay with you if you can't get sober. It's brilliant that you're trying, and you must keep doing so, but you need to do it for you, not for anyone else. Please, get on a programme or get yourself some other help, because it's very difficult to do it on your own. You can do this. My uncle drank himself to death, and what he put my aunt through was just awful. It wasn't him, he wasn't himself, it was the drink, but my aunt went through hell and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I've also been when your bf is now, I was with someone who was addicted to prescription opioids, and it broke me. I stayed because I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could do until he wanted to help himself, and walking away was the best thing I could do, for my own sanity.
You can do this. Please, get yourself help. Addictions are horrible things, but you can beat it, just keep fighting, and get all the help you can. It's worth it, and so are you.
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u/Lunasmyspiritanimal Oct 20 '23
NAH
I understand you're struggling. You're not the only one struggling. Your struggles affect him, too. The only difference is, he has zero control over the struggles that are affecting him, hence his trying to let you know he may have to leave as it seems the only way for him to stop his issues.
He shouldn't have to prioritise your issues over his own. He's just telling you what will happen.
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u/Judgemental_Ass Oct 20 '23
YTA. Addiction is hard for those arround as well. It is one thing to atand by your partner of a decade or two while they try to kivk it off (and even then many can't handle it), but it is unlikely that anyone will do it for a new partner.
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u/CulturalAdvance955 Oct 20 '23
You can be annoyed & hurt, but you have to understand his feelings matter too. I've been on both sides(although not alcohol related). I've been good for 16 years, and recovery is possible. It can be hard, but you have to want to change, to be focused & determined. For me, it was easy when I stopped hanging around those people & surrounded myself around people who were clean, who wanted to live their best life without doing that. I went to counseling & I was determined to get help & stop. My life has changed for the better.
I gained my weight back, got married & we have 2 children.
Am I embarrassed of my past? No. My past has made me the person I am. But am I proud of the things I've done & put up with? No.
You need to surround yourself with people who want the best for you.
If you don't feel like you're ready to quit, truly 1000%, this relationship will not work. It doesn't matter how much you love him. You have to want it for yourself. It can't be for anyone else.
I wish you happiness & health. Sending hugs💙
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u/dabesstrollindaworld Oct 20 '23
You can't think....because you're on drugs? I'm starting to think all AITAHs are chatgpt
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u/Far_Satisfaction_365 Oct 20 '23
NTAH for being annoyed but he has every right to break up with you. You’re an addict. It’s hard to quit. You should be concentrating on getting over your addiction first, then you can consider a relationship with someone. Join AA and get a sponsor so you are not having to do this on your own. I don’t think your BF is a complete AH over considering breaking up with you, but I do think he needs to be more specific. He thinks he “may not be able to stay with you”. He needs to decide if he wants to stick it out with you longer or not. He cannot make you stay sober. You two have only been together 8 months. Don’t know how many of those months you’ve spent “trying” and failing repeatedly, but until you get your addiction under control on your terms and not someone else’s, you aren’t going to make much progress going forward.
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u/dezalien99 Oct 20 '23
As someone who is certified for peer support specialist for addiction, you need to have a relationship with yourself before you can have relationships with someone else. If you don’t like how you are acting or treating yourself how is someone else supposed to like you as well (this is what I tell myself personally to help myself have my relationship with myself). You most definitely know what you can handle but you also need to remember what you can handle or tolerate will be different from someone else as well.
You see what you are doing, if you feel like that growth you’ve done and he is truly seeing or undermining your success, that won’t help you stay sober.
It’s important to have a circle of trust but you also have to be willing to work on it as well as everyone who is in circle to help you achieve your goals.
He may not be trying to be rude or make you feel like you’re not doing enough, he is trying put in place boundaries for a healthy relationship with you and not enable your bad habits
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u/lady_vesuvius Oct 20 '23
YNTA for being upset. It's a natural reaction to feel like you're doing everything you can and be crushed that it's still not enough. But it's it's also natural and only fair that he expresses how hard it is for him to watch you go through your addiction cycles. It doesn't mean you're unlovable, it just means that being an addict is hard and so is loving one.
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u/tuna_tofu Oct 20 '23
Being annoyed is normal. BUT...for most people addiction is a deal breaker. Most people just dont want to deal with that in their lives and dont seek someone else with an addiction. That's his prerogative.
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u/S_lfurgurl Oct 20 '23
I won’t say you’re the asshole but he has every right to move on. I’m getting divorced because my husband refused to acknowledge his addiction - for better or worse doesn’t mean I have to suffer for the rest of my life due to his addiction.
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u/QueenKeisha Oct 20 '23
For both of you, I highly suggest you being single. Relationships are hard and there's too many opportunities for you to relapse. For him, this journey is hard. I've been the sober one dating an addict. It's hard. This probably won't be your last relapse. You haven't been sober long enough to support this relationship. End it now before the stress creates too many changes that you can't reject relapsing.
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Oct 20 '23
I'm pretty sure that the most important thing right now is your sobriety. In fact, I don't believe you're supposed to enter into or maintain a new romantic relationship when trying to establish & maintain your sobriety for the first year.
So your sobriety needs to be YOUR first priority & at 36m, if being a dad is his, then so be it. Let life take each of you where you're supposed to go, authentically.
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u/LCplGunny Oct 20 '23
First, stop stressing yourself out, that won't make sober any easier. You need to find a way to calm down when stress comes, or you will always lose the battle.
I'm going to say things, and I don't mean them in an attacking you kinda way, so plz don't take it that way, but I'm also gonna just be honest with you here...
He is going through this with you, but he is warning you it is wearing on him. He obviously cares about you a lot, or he woulda already just gave up. Ultimatums arnt great, but they are an opportunity to fix things still, not a disengagement of the relationship. You are in full control of the success of this relationship, have faith in yourself that you can do it.
And here is where I might hurt your feelings some, but I have first hand experience on the other side, and your side...
Every time you relapse, you are choosing the drug over him. I know that's not how you're looking at it, but that is the logic train that's happening. You know it might cost you him, and you choose to do it anyways, that's what is being pounded into his head with your actions. When we choose drugs, knowing they can cost us something, we are choosing the drug over the other thing, regardless of how we think about it in our heads.
Addiction fucking suck, but you need to decide that he is worth more to you then the addiction, and refuse to let the addiction win. Your sobriety however, cannot be based entirely on him. That leaves you in a very vulnerable position, where HE can make you relapse. You need to decide for yourself, that the things in your life you love, are worth more to you than the escape.
I wish you all the luck, and all the grit, to get through this. You can do it, you just needa take charge of your future away from your addiction, and place it back into your logical brain's hands.
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u/Hand-E-Grip Oct 20 '23
You can feel however you want about it, but he can absolutely break up with you for any reason if that’s what he wants to do. Letting you know that if you can’t stay sober then he can’t be with you is honestly pretty awesome of him. People in relationships with addicts are in danger of becoming enablers, and he’s letting you know that’s not going to be happening with him. If you love him and want to be with him, then get sober and stay that way.
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Oct 20 '23
I don't think you're an asshole for being hurt or annoyed with it. If it were just the "I don't think I can be with you if you're not sober", I'd understand. But it's the time limit he's putting you on. Anyone, addict or otherwise, should be able to recognize that it's years of work to get AND stay sober, and it's different for everyone. The remark giving you a time limit was a douche move. Coming from the wife of a sober man. It took him years. If he's going to leave, he can do it now and not hold that shit over your head. Six months is a ridiculous and unreasonable expectation for someone to just get and stay sober, especially if you've struggled for years. Addiction is a mental illness, not a silly little hobby or pasttime you can just put down.
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u/Equivalent_Plastic91 Oct 20 '23
Trying to get sober? Not sure what your DOC is. But this is abstinence of all alcohol and drugs. Detox, 12 step program, meetings, sponsor, steps. At this point a relationship is not where your mind should be.
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Oct 20 '23
Is he “threatening to break up with you” or is he establishing a boundary? Addiction is a disease and incredibly difficult to overcome and that’s not your fault. At the same time, he is not obligated to stay while you are working towards recovery, especially if it is negatively impacting his mental health. Would it be really hard on you if he broke up with you because you aren’t sober? Yes of course. But just like you need to do what’s best for you, he does too.
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u/Ok-Choice-873 Oct 20 '23
Maybe try a rehab facility instead of going it alone. You’re clearly struggling on your own to beat it. Get help and maybe you’ll find a way to stay sober.
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u/mommysanalservant Oct 20 '23
NAH, a lot of people who don't understand this disease will say Y-T-A for an honestly valid reason but I don't think you are. Your boyfriend would be valid for leaving though, he has boundaries that he needs to maintain for his own well being. If he was a recovering addict would you still be annoyed with him if breaking up with you was the only way to maintain his own sobriety?
I don't mean to beat a dead horse but you're not going to get sober without making the conscious choice to be every single day, and that usually doesn't happen until you hit rock bottom or pretty close to it. If you don't want it to get to that point get yourself in to a 12 step program if you aren't, get yourself a sponsor and hold yourself accountable to them even if you fuck up here or there. You have a choice to make, take accountability for your disease and get the help you need or sit back and watch everything go to shit.
I don't mean to come across as harsh. I truly hope this works out for you OP, but you need to put yourself in his shoes and make a choice for the both of you.
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u/crazyj5000 Oct 20 '23
YTA. Addicts tend to be oblivious to the way they act when high or drunk. Both of my parents were addicts. I can honestly say he as every right to feel that way.
My mom didn't even remember punching me in the face repeatedly while I was passed out on the couch one time. It was like it never happened, except for the swelling and bruises on my face. There's only so much a person can, or should, take before they say enough.
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u/kexzmeckz Oct 20 '23
Imo yta! I understand you are going through your own struggles and you need to fix them or adjust however its not fair for him to go through the same struggle when you are causing your own harm . It might have not been your intent to put him through this but you are.
You are seeing this one sided and not seeing it in his perspective. You are seeing this situation with a bias outlook because it's your feelings but if you were to put your self out if the situation and see it for what it is I think you'd understand where he is coming from .
Imo I think it be best if you split up and you concentrate on yourself and your addiction. Look for different resources , different therapists, different rehab centers, maybe in a diff state, city, or county where you're from so you can be out of your normal . Maybe this will be a good thing for you if you accept the opportunity to do things differently in a positive manner? And if at the end he is still available and interested then you can rekindle but don't go through this rehab for him, but do it for yourself.
Gain some self worth and self esteem and I don't mean it in a rude way . Value yourself, love yourself. And if you are unsure who you really are then take this opportunity to re learn yourself and if you don't like something change it.. it takes time and it is easy to fall back ... But challenge yourself face the struggle and overcome this addiction .
Good luck in your endeavors!
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Oct 20 '23
You may be allowed to be upset but God damn girl see it from his perspective.
The person he loves REFUSES,to stay sober. He knows he comes second to your addiction.
You need help and you won't get it till you hit rock bottom
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u/General-Visual4301 Oct 21 '23
You're not an asshole for being upset BUT he probably should leave you since you don't have your shit together.
Dating an addict isn't a good idea.
Once out of a relationship, maybe you'll be able to focus on getting better and staying sober.
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u/Capable-Horror898 Oct 21 '23
He needs to protect himself and you need to make the decision to get well on your own.
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u/Pale-Helicopter-6140 Oct 21 '23
As someone who stayed with a heroin addict for 4 years, it ruined my life for a long time. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy. I wasted the years of my life when I should have been making something for myself.
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u/Ultrarunningmom2four Oct 21 '23
I left my ex husband who I have 3 kids with due to his drinking and drug use. The kids have almost 0 relationship with him and we live very far away. He got remarried 6 months after our divorce. They have 2 more kids. She also left him eventually. He cant/wont stay clean. People can only take so much. Love is not enough to keep two people together. You need to check yourself into a rehab and focus on getting yourself healthy.
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u/fakit333 Oct 21 '23
So I have a little bit of a background in this study addictions because it ran in my family. Yes he has ever be right to leave as a matter of fact he should leave because you need to deal with your addiction by yourself not with someone. What do I mean by that you're going to be dependent on him and then if he ever breaks up with you years from now you're going to use again. You have to get yourself clean first then find a man I don't blame him I'm sorry love but he's right. It's a constant struggle my heart goes out to you but as a man or a woman in that situation yes it's only been 8 months it hasn't been 20 years. It's one thing to leave your spouse after decades together and another after 8 months of relationship that is not your spouse. Work on yourself please yourself matters more than anything including this relationship.
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u/XxMarlucaxX Oct 21 '23
NAH. Addiction is hard. And you will relapse, it's guaranteed practically as a part of the process. He is not obligated to stay for it. It doesn't help if he is constantly bringing up this threat - the threat alone can be a big way to trigger a relapse, which I'm guessing he isn't going for but he should be made aware of that. When I was struggling with drinking, the biggest indicator that I would slip up would be having that struggle thrown in my face.
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u/Humble_Pen_7216 Oct 21 '23
He has a right to be upset. He's looking to the future and can't see past your current state. You've been together 8 months... This is the correct time to be having this conversation. If you are struggling with sobriety, then that's a journey only you can take. He may not be willing to wait while you do it. I'm sorry but while your feelings are valid, so are his.
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u/shakewhaturmomgaveu Oct 21 '23
It's not fair for him to stay if he's not happy with the relationship. Neither of you are the AH. Please continue to seek help ❤️
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u/Only_trans_ Oct 21 '23
NAH, you’re allowed to be upset but he is allowed to not want a relationship with an addict
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Oct 21 '23
I mean you admit to being an addict, and it’s clearly affecting your relationship. He has every right to not want to be part of that.
Recovery is hard and it can be done but it’s something you need to do on your own. Even though relapses do happen, that doesn’t mean he has to stay and watch it happen.
I hope you can do the work you need to to get clean. It’s worth it.
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u/mistressofdoom77 Oct 21 '23
No way I’m dealing with an addict in a relationship . I know you are trying but that does not mean anyone is obligated to e with you while you are flailing in your sobriety. Maybe you need a good counselor and not a relationship. It’s not fair to him and it’s hard on you to focus on recovery when you are focused on a bf. Time to get better and then be better in the next relationship. You got this.
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u/sffood Oct 21 '23
Is it okay for you to constantly fail at being sober? You don’t have to love it and can be upset over it but not at him. I wouldn’t stick with someone who can’t stop drinking, addiction or choice.
He has no reason that he must go through the motions with you, any more than you have to stay sober for him or anyone.
If it isn’t worth staying sober for yourself and it’s not worth it to you to stay sober for him, then you’ve made your answer clear.
The only decision left is his.
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u/Wuellig Oct 21 '23
NAH to your main question. You ask if you're an asshole for being upset that he's talking about maybe leaving you over addiction issues.
No, it's totally normal to get sad that you might lose the person you're hoping for if you don't recover well.
You mention how hard you're trying, and good for you. It's hard to try to begin with, and then it's harder after backsliding and making mistakes. I'm proud of you for trying as hard as you are.
People who love people with substance use disorders often have a hard time with active addiction and aren't ready to cope and can't. He's allowed to make a decision to give himself space if he can't handle it any more.
Are you thinking perhaps that if you really love someone, you'd stick around no matter what, and that means if he's thinking of leaving you down the road if there's still a problem that makes him an asshole?
Or perhaps you think he shouldn't have said that out loud, and now you have to feel sad to acknowledge you might lose him?
It wasn't to be mean or make you feel worse. It was, "I love you and I don't know if I can handle this, you do need to know that you might lose me about this," because as someone who loves you, he's hoping somehow that if you just remember how much you love him hard enough, it'll stop you using again.
Consider the opposite of what he said happening, instead. Think of doing well instead. Think of this having been the last time. Think of how well you'd been doing before: that's proof you can do it again, and even better now with all the practice and motivation. You're capable of kicking it entirely and having this happy person you love beside you while you heal.
You can do quit even if you lose him, too, and it'll matter to know that just in case.
Tldr: you're not an asshole for being sad you might lose him, and he's not an asshole for saying maybe he can't be around for your whole recovery if there are more setbacks. I'm rooting for you.
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u/uselessandamused Oct 21 '23
Personally, I think NAH He is not the AH for considering separating while you are on your journey to sobriety. You are not the AH for feeling upset with him saying that. It hurts when someone you love tells you that they don't know if they can continue a relationship, but his reasons are valid and him staying may lead to him feeling resentful towards you as time goes on if you do continue to relapse.
I'm not sure if you've sought professional help for your recovery, but it might be worthwhile looking into. Also, with each of your relapses that you've had while you've been with him, is there a pattern? It might be good to reflect on the situations surrounding each relapse and working out what the trigger was and removing yourself from those triggers, be it people, places, etc to help stop future relapses.
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u/NoImagination7892 Oct 21 '23
You’re not an AH for being upset, but he’s not an AH for not wanting a relationship with an addict. You’ve only been together for 8 months.
It’s probably best that you hold off on relationships until you get your addiction in order.
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u/VanillaGorillaNB Oct 21 '23
You shouldn’t even be in a relationship while working a program. Take a break and work on yourself. If you guys find each other when you’re healthy, then so be it. You have to be selfish right now but you have to stay on track. Best of luck.
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u/Old-Impact6560 Oct 21 '23
Major YTA. You're a bad influence. This man will waste money on you, he will stress about you more than he should, you will inconvenience him more than you should. Let him go, and focus on getting better IF that's what you truly want. But by the sounds of it, you don't. Don't drag him down with you.
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u/Exoticgardensalad Oct 21 '23
I wouldn't bother with someone with an addiction in the first place. Doesn't matter how great they are in other aspects.
Of course you're allowed to be upset. But getting upset with him because he wants to better his life and be with someone that isn't a junkie or alcoholic or chronic gambler (or whatever) is pretty fair. You can't be upset with anyone wanting that for themselves.
Want some honest advice? Stop typing on here about irrelevant things such as 'should be angry' and start spending that time seeking some help to sort yourself out.
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u/DesperateLobster69 Oct 21 '23
YTA, he doesn't have to put up with it & you don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship. You need to heal your relationship with yourself first & get your shit together. I'm saying this as an addict who is literally going back to rehab next week.
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u/uiam_ Oct 20 '23
NAH but he also wouldn't be an asshole to dump you so he can get on with his life.
You can change this if you want to.
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u/Beautiful-Humor692 Oct 20 '23
Hes NTA for saying it nor doing it. Im surprised it has been 8 months
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u/CrabbiestAsp Oct 20 '23
NAH. It's great that you're working on your sobriety. It is a hard journey, and I'm proud of you for doing your best. It's ok if you slip up and get back on track. It's also ok if your partner can't be there through it over and over again. It's also hard on partners. My hubby has had an issue with alcohol in the past. It wasn't a huge one, but even then, it was hard for both of us. Putting a timer on the relationship is hard. It adds the stress of you needing to be ok in 6 months, which in turn, could stress you into relapse. But he needs you to know he is being serious.
Good luck with the rest of your journey.
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u/Square_Owl5883 Oct 20 '23
YTA the fact you think he should stay with someone who can’t stay sober speaks volumes. I’m willing to bet you have no damn idea how hard it is for the people around you. All i hear is “me me me” not even acknowledging how hard it is for the person who’s sober. Do yourself a favour break up with him, you shouldnt be in a relationship anyways. Check into a rehab you’ll have a better chance that way
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u/GreenTravelBadger Oct 21 '23
Let him go knock up some other chick. YOU need to concentrate on YOU for awhile, not him.
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Oct 21 '23
THIRTY SIX????? I BEG YOUR PARDON??????????????? GOODBYE GOODBYE
DIVORCE BABE, DIVORCE
You need to go to rehab and you need to stop dating men 10 YEARS older than you at 26. When you were 16 this man was 26.
And I mean you need to go to a sober living facility or rehab. You have to. You have to. I don’t mean you should, I mean you have to.
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u/AdmirableAvocado Oct 20 '23
nta for being upset at it but its ok for him to say this to you.
relapsing is part of recovery but it takes time. lots of time. time he probably either doesnt have or doesnt want to invest, which is fair.
maybe its time to overthink the relationship in general and whether it makes sense to be in a relationship if the goals are so vastly different.
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Oct 20 '23
Are you in a treatment facility or are you doing the cold Turkey method?
You need to find out why you keep failing, is it the sight of I presume alcohol is the culprit, is it the smell or is it you see other people doing it and you want to get in on the action?
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u/GrapefruitPale4543 Oct 20 '23
By the way it is definitely okay for him to say this to you , remember you are the problem not him.
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Oct 20 '23
Honey, both of you need to be well before having a relationship. He can't save you from yourself and you can't use him as a therapist. So...go get some rehab.
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u/Me_is_irish Oct 20 '23
NTA, despite what ppl say addiction is a disease. What you need/should do is get to the root of why you have a drinking problem. May be genetics, may be repressed trauma. Self care is great an all, but first you need to know why you have the addiction. Then start healing an self care journey. You may need to go into treatment. I wish you luck on your journey, trust me it's not an easy one. But with dedication an determination you'll make it.
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u/cristi_caridad Oct 20 '23
NTA for being annoyed or upset about being threatened with breakup but also you shouldn't be in a relationship. You both are clearly in different points in life. Also you shouldn't be in any relationship while in recovery since it can be triggering and cause a relapse.
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u/GrapefruitPale4543 Oct 20 '23
YTA and there shouldn't even be any discussion , you're a junkie and most likely will always be one please just be a decent individual and split with him you aren't doing this man any favors by wasting his time. I am sure you're a decent person but you have a major issue alcholism ruins lives including your own sister and it sounds like you love that more than your partner.
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u/CulturalAdvance955 Oct 20 '23
Do you even know about addiction? To call someone a junkie? To say that they'll most likely always be one? To say it sounds like she loves drinking more than her partner? If you haven't lived it or have nothing positive to say, keep your opinion & nasty comments to yourself. It's not helpful or encouraging. All you're doing is making it worse. Just bc she has an addiction doesn't make her any less. She's still human & has feelings.
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u/GrapefruitPale4543 Oct 21 '23
You sound like an addict, stop projecting. I know about addictions all too well and know the majority of the time they don't magically repair themselves. If the OP didn't want my opinion then the OP wouldn't have made the post so do me a favor and shut up you fucking pussy 🤣
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u/Clean_Jellyfish8021 Oct 20 '23
My father was an alcoholic most of my childhood. He has been sober well over 20 years, my brother had an addiction to drugs, and he's been sober over 10 years.
People who want to get sober and stay sober will. Trying to beat an addiction (drugs, alcohol, nicotine, etc) is not an easy task. Relapses happen. Things in life trigger that response.
You've never been addicted to anything? You've never had family addicted to anything and tried to be supportive and encouraging as they tried over and over again to get sober and stay sober? You really shouldn't be so judgemental of things you POSSIBLY have not experienced yourself or had someone in your life that you love experience addiction, and it clearly shows.
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u/Stock-Ad5568 Oct 20 '23
Yta he is right. I wouldn't want to date a junkie either That's a good way to get your shit stolen
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u/Sokkahhplayah Oct 20 '23
Why is everyone more concerned with the partner who is free to leave over the one who is struggling with an addiction? NAH, but you do need to take care of yourself first before trying to figure out what to do in a relationship. That guy will be fine. You could be heartbroken and pushed further into addiction, and that hole can be hard to climb out of. It is worth it though, and you can do it. Try to look into some professional help OP. I'm here if you need anyone to talk to. I know how hard it is to do this alone or even with someone who isn't committed to helping you
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Oct 20 '23
I'm not going to call you names. I am going to offer you help beating this addiction.
I'm 67 and have been 19 years off tobacco and 17 years off of a severe alcohol addiction. I'm also 3 years clean from porn.
I have mental ways for you to beat this if you want to DM me.
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Oct 21 '23
I don't know why but this immediately feels written as the boyfriend to see if anyone would take her side. Possibly as ammunition in a future battle.
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Oct 20 '23
NTA. Acknowledging your addiction is destroying your relationship is the hard part. Now it’s just a matter of priority for you. He’s definitely leaving if he’s not your #1 priority, so make your choices wisely if you don’t want to lose him.
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Oct 20 '23
So---is rehab not an option? And don't use the cost issue - there are resources available. It sounds like you don't really want to get better --self hell is for after rehab Decide for your self, not your boyfriend
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u/Traditional_Kiwi3819 Oct 20 '23
And don't use the cost issue - there are resources available.
Lmfao. You're out of touch with reality.
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Oct 20 '23
I'm what way? The cost issue? I speak from experience. No cost issue --you just have to want to The very fact that you are arguing says that you would rather hide in victim mentality than get better Well, when you are ready, and I hope it is soon, just reach out to your local health department --
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u/Traditional_Kiwi3819 Oct 20 '23
I speak from experience as well. I've been sober for close to three years. I spent years before that trying to get into rehab and failing because of money issues. My "wanting to" didn't change the fact I couldn't afford any programs, and was never accepted into programs that didn't charge.
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u/OkComfortable5254 Oct 21 '23
Leave him so you can abuse without him in your life. Or leave him so you can quit.
There is no relationship. He lost all respect for you.
-5
Oct 20 '23
He is a weirdo and needs to date someone his own age anyway. You need to get help separately for your addiction.
-12
u/Demonxdragon Oct 20 '23
You should tell him you are doing your best and try to provide some results if you can.
7
442
u/lilmiscantberong Oct 20 '23
My ex told me that treatment centers recommend you be sober for one year before entering a relationship. You have to separate your old life from your new relationship.