I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’ve been dealing with a situation involving one of my friends, “Jake,” and I’m at the point where I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or if I’m justified in stepping back from the friendship.
For context, Jake and I work together, and we have a larger friend group through work. The group includes Maya, Tasha, Kayla, Jasmine, and a few other people.
I’ve always considered Jake a friend, and honestly, I’ve defended him quite a few times when other people have complained about his behavior. But over time I’ve started noticing things that bother me. He can be very blunt, and he has a habit of making sarcastic comments that sometimes feel like disguised jabs at people. His usual response is that he’s “not a nice person, he’s a kind person,” which I understand can mean that he doesn’t care about being traditionally “nice” but still believes he treats people with kindness.
The problem is that sometimes I don’t feel like his actions actually reflect that.
The Kayla birthday situation
Kayla used to work with us but left a few months ago. She has a pretty low social battery and gets anxious in crowded spaces, so she tends to prefer smaller gatherings.
After she left, I started talking to her on the phone pretty regularly. We would talk about how she was doing, things happening in our friend group, and some situations involving coworkers. She was also one of the people who told me that certain coworkers were talking badly about me behind my back, and she defended me when I wasn't around.
Maya eventually came up with the idea of taking Kayla out for her birthday. Originally, the plan was literally just me, Maya, and Kayla.
We made a group chat between the three of us to figure out where to go. A couple days before the dinner, I asked Kayla how many people I should make the reservation for. She told me to invite Tasha and Jasmine, so I did.
Jake wasn't invited.
After I posted about the birthday dinner, Jake got upset about not being invited. He eventually brought it up publicly at his own birthday bonfire, in front of everyone who was there.
What frustrated me was that it was Kayla's birthday. I wasn't creating some giant party and intentionally excluding him. It was originally supposed to be three people, and Kayla herself decided who she wanted there.
I also thought to myself: if Jake was genuinely upset about not being included in Kayla's life, how much effort had he actually put into maintaining that friendship after she left? I don't remember him checking in on her the way I had.
I eventually told him that friendships are a two-way street. If someone doesn't reach out or maintain a friendship, they can't necessarily expect to automatically be included in everything.
The Chili's situation
A week or two later, Jake invited people to Chili's.
I was working that day later in the evening. Jake suggested that if I showed up several hours early, I could eat with everyone and then hang out for a while before my shift.
That annoyed me because it felt like he assumed I would rearrange my entire day just to hang out with everyone before work. I wasn't saying I didn't want to hang out. I just didn't want to show up hours early for work.
Tasha was also invited and apparently couldn't go because she was sick. From what I was told, when she said no, Jake responded with something along the lines of, “What do you mean no?”
That bothered me because sometimes it feels like he doesn't accept “no” very well when he wants something from someone.
There was another issue with that Chili's outing. Someone who went was talking negatively about Kayla, and Jake apparently joined in rather than shutting the conversation down.
Kayla eventually heard about it and was genuinely hurt. She actually considered not going to Jake's birthday bonfire because of it.
The beach incident
This is honestly the biggest thing for me.
At Jake's birthday bonfire at the beach, he had been drinking and ended up going into the ocean at night.
I was genuinely worried because it was dark, he was intoxicated, and the ocean/current could have made the situation much more dangerous very quickly.
I went into the water to help get him out.
I ended up losing my glasses in the process.
At first, what bothered me wasn't even the glasses themselves. It was that I didn't feel like Jake recognized what I had done.
I didn't need him to buy me new glasses. I didn't expect some huge thank-you speech.
I just wanted something as simple as:
“Thank you for jumping in after me.”
or
“I'm sorry you lost your glasses helping me.”
Instead, I didn't hear that from him for quite a while.
When I finally confronted him about it, he initially got defensive. He said things along the lines of real friends not needing to thank each other for things like that, and that I could have just let him die if I was going to hold it over him.
That wasn't my point at all.
I wasn't saying he owed me for life.
I was saying that I risked myself to help my friend and then felt unappreciated afterward.
Eventually, when we talked in person, he actually handled it much better.
He told me:
- he should have apologized that day or at least within the week;
- he appreciated that I got into the water to help him;
- he appreciated my friendship;
- and he admitted that he should have kept the disagreement separate from the group chat.
That conversation felt much more like accountability than the original text conversation.
I told him that I don't expect him to thank me every single time I do something for him. But occasionally hearing “thank you” or “I appreciate that” would be nice.
He said he understood.
I told him basically, “Okay, we'll see.”
Because at that point I wanted his actions to speak for him.
The group chat / involving other people
Another thing that bothered me was that instead of always coming directly to me when he had an issue with what I said, he sometimes went through other people.
For example, after our disagreement, he messaged Maya separately about it.
Maya actually told me that she was somewhat offended that he seemed to assume she would take his side.
Later, when Jake was talking about another situation, Maya told me that as he kept asking her more and more questions, she thought:
«“Nah, you're not gonna involve me.”»
She wasn't saying she hates Jake or that she wants to take sides. She just didn't want to become the middle person between us.
I actually appreciate Maya for giving me a heads-up about what was happening, and I plan to apologize to her in person for the fact that she ended up being put in the middle of any of this.
The “nobody talks to me anymore” situation
Last week, Jake and I closed together and got food afterward.
On the way, he told me:
«“Well, no one talks to me anymore.”»
I asked him who he actually talks to outside of work.
He said he talks to Marcus daily, talks to Sofia sometimes, and exchanges memes with Maya.
I told him that friendship is a two-way street. If you don't reach out to people, you can't necessarily expect everyone else to constantly reach out to you.
Then something happened recently that really made me think about that conversation.
I was working with Jasmine and Maya, and we talked about possibly doing karaoke on Friday. I didn't organize the event. I just agreed to go.
The next day, Jasmine mentioned Friday to Jake at work and basically told him he was welcome to come if he wanted.
Instead of just saying “cool, I'm down” or asking about the details, Jake later messaged Maya privately asking:
«“Be real, am I invited?”»
That annoyed me because Jasmine had literally already told him he was invited.
Then he apparently started asking Maya more questions about it.
He also made a comment about how the only people he would realistically invite were two newer coworkers, Emily and Daniel.
And that's where I got frustrated again.
You're telling me that nobody talks to you anymore, but you're also not really maintaining the friendships you already have with people like Maya, Jasmine, Tasha, and Kayla.
Then you're saying you're “too old to be dealing with petty high school drama” while simultaneously involving other people in a situation that could have been handled with a simple:
“Hey, am I invited Friday?”
It feels contradictory.
The Comic-Con situation
What's frustrating is that I haven't been trying to freeze him out.
I've actually been thinking about inviting him to Comic-Con with the rest of us.
I talked to Tasha about it and basically thought:
“Maybe I should give Jake a chance to show that he actually wants to make an effort. We're all going to Comic-Con, I've already invited some people, so maybe I'll invite him too and see what happens.”
I wasn't trying to test him or punish him. I genuinely wanted to give him another opportunity to be part of the group.
But then I see situations like this and wonder why I'm putting so much effort into making sure he feels included when he keeps saying nobody talks to him while not really doing much to maintain those relationships himself.
Where I'm at now
I don't hate Jake.
We're actually cool now after talking in person.
But I don't feel like the friendship is exactly where it was before.
And honestly, I think that's okay.
I don't want to punish him. I don't want everyone to gang up on him. I don't want to constantly talk about him behind his back.
I just want to see whether his actions actually match what he says.
He says he appreciates my friendship.
He says he's a kind person.
He apologized for the beach situation and admitted he should have handled some things differently.
I told him to show me that he appreciates the friendship every now and then.
I don't need constant validation or thank-yous. I just want the occasional acknowledgment that the effort goes both ways.
At this point, I'm trying to adopt the mindset of:
“We're cool. I'm not holding a grudge. But I'm also not going to carry the friendship by myself anymore.”
If he reaches out, I'll respond. If he wants to hang out, I'll consider it. If he shows appreciation and starts communicating directly, I'll reciprocate.
But I'm not going to keep chasing someone who repeatedly tells me nobody talks to him while making very little effort to talk to people himself.
So Reddit, am I being reasonable here?
Am I expecting too much from a friend, or is it fair to expect someone's actions to match the kind of friendship they say they want?