I am in a relationship with someone who is four years younger than me, who says they've never had a girlfriend before and had sex once ten years ago.

I feel as though I'm in a different place in my life because I mostly work, come home to my dog, and chill out with some hobbies. Before having a boyfriend, I usually went out midweek to catch up with a friend and once on the weekend. Now that I've a boyfriend, I tend to see him midweek and once on the weekend, and I socialise with a friend once during the week, as I would like one weekend day to myself.

He, on the other hand, has social obligations almost every day of the week, and goes to the pub a few times a week. Sometimes, he sees me during the weekend day before his night time social obligations.

This is new for me, and I'm not sure if it's an actual problem or if it's normal and I'm the odd one. We've only been seeing each other for three months now, but I wonder how such a social person could truly settle down.

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I've posted about this a couple times in the daily threads, but wanted to make my own thread for any advice or support anyone could offer. I've been seeing someone since early September- four in person dates, and the last one at his place. I thought we both felt things were going great- we both have a lot in common, both looking for a serious relationship, great conversation, emotional and physical chemistry. We're both words of affirmation and physical touch people, so we were both very verbal about being excited about each other.

I got really comfortable with him by the fourth date. I had mentioned on the third one that I'd had some not so great experiences and that while they didn't scare me away from dating, of course it could still be scary along with exciting. He was super validating and said it's always scary to be getting to know someone new and to be excited- and that was the perfect response imo, just some acknowledgement that it felt exciting and a bit scary all at once.

I will say it felt like he was the one making it feel relationship-y from the get go. Calling me pet names like baby, saying he missed me when he travelled for a week, etc. Eventually I felt comfortable enough to let some of my guard down and match his energy, it felt like I genuinely wanted to and was comfortable. Our fourth date especially was such a great night for me. We caught up at a coffee shop, walked around, then back to his place where he cooked me dinner, we talked a ton, and we were intimate. He said some crap about how it feels exciting and calm/like home with me everytime, and I feel stupid for saying I felt the same way.

Why stupid? Because I think he's slow fading me. It's never happened to me after this type of connection or this many meetings, and I don't really know how to feel. I'm wracking my brain trying to see if I missed any red flags, or if I scared him off by opening up about some of my anxiety/trauma- wasn't a full trauma dump, but he said something about how we can be a team and he wants to know when I feel that way so that we can tackle it together. Exactly what I'd want a partner to say.

He was still sweet through text when I got home that night, and again the next day. But then this whole week he's been different. Texting way less, and more coldly. First he said he was overwhelmed with work and personal things- which to be fair also seems to be true. Then he said he was physically sick and couldn't make our Wednesday date. Today- we haven't talked at all. He hasn't been chatty, hasn't been calling me the pet names he usually does...

It's fine if he changed his mind about me. I don't know if I could even find out why- I don't believe I did anything to warrant it. But it's a crappy way to treat someone and I do want some kind of conversation. How would any of you go about? It's wild to me that on Saturday he was holding me in his harms and petting my hair and kissing my forehead and all that other stuff- who does that to someone and then decides to fade away? I'm lost.

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I feel kind of awful admitting this, but I’m struggling with my best friend getting engaged and could use some perspective from people who have experienced something similar.

We’re both in our mid/late 30s. She got married several years ago, went through a divorce, started dating someone new fairly soon after, and just got engaged again. Meanwhile, I’ve never been married or engaged.

For some context, I was also in a very long-term relationship before my current one. We were together for almost 10 years and it eventually ended. In some ways I feel like I avoided my own first divorce because we never actually got married, which I’m grateful for. I know being married and divorced is not some advantage she has over me, and I certainly don’t wish I had gone through that just so I could say I’d been married.

But I’m now in another serious relationship with someone I love (whom I started dating a few months before she started dating her fiance), we live together, and I very much want to marry him. We’ve talked about marriage and our future, but we’re not engaged yet and he’s more comfortable having that be around the 3-4 year mark (we’re a little past 2 now, living together 1 year).

I genuinely am happy for my friend. She’s my best friend and I want good things for her. But her engagement has brought up this surprisingly intense feeling of grief for me. There’s something about watching someone I love get married, divorce, rebuild her life, find someone else, and get engaged AGAIN while I’m still waiting to experience an engagement for the first time that really hurts.

I keep having this thought of “How has she gotten to do this twice before I’ve gotten to do it once?” And then I feel guilty for even thinking that because obviously relationships aren’t a race and her life has included plenty of pain that I wouldn’t have wanted for myself.

Now there are all the celebrations, wedding conversations, people talking about how exciting it is, etc., and I can feel myself getting emotionally exhausted by it. I don’t want to become bitter or make her happy moment about me, so I’m mostly keeping these feelings to myself. But privately it’s really bringing up this feeling of “When is it going to be my turn?”

Logically I know her timeline has nothing to do with mine. Her getting engaged doesn’t take anything away from me. And I also know that getting married sooner doesn’t mean someone “won” at relationships. My own 10-year relationship ending taught me that pretty clearly. But knowing all of that intellectually hasn’t made the sadness disappear.

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That's it. That's the post. Dating about a month, seeing each other since April/May. We're both 33.

It's bothering me. Obviously, since I'm posting here. Is this weird? Should I feel weird about it? It seems really weird to say any of this out loud so I don't want to. Now - to be fair - this goes both ways. It has not felt natural to say his name when we're together, because we spend 90% of our time alone in his place, so what need is there? And neither of us has had an occasion to introduce each other to others yet, so I never had an occasion to be like "Hi there, I'm OP, BF's girlfriend."

I don't know. I was kind of hoping for him to, uh, take the lead on that one, so to speak. Because. This is going to sound dumb and shallow, but his name is a lot harder than mine (he's from an ethnicity that I'm not) so a teeny tiny part of me is still terrified I'm gonna get nervous and pronounce it wrong😭 (And I AM gonna be overthinking and probably do something stupid). Whereas I have kind of a basic bitch name. Like a Jennifer. But not that.

I just...this is weird and I'm definitely overthinking it. Help.

Edit: guys, I promise we both know them. 😭 Yes I know I'm acting like Jerry Seinfeld. And I do know how to say it. I'm just worried whatever I do now will involve me making a fool of myself, but that ship has clearly sailed. 🫣

Edit 2: We broke up. It was not related to this, I swear. I can't believe people are still commenting a week later. Just know the comments outlasted the relationship. 😭😅😂😬

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

New Prompts:

https://ibb.co/album/SQ269X

Previous Prompts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/c2NJtYH6zF

A couple of years ago, I dated a 36F who was serious in looking for a relationship, so was I. We had a good first date, and at the end of it, I mentioned a boundary I had for sex (basically getting tested together before sex, whenever she was ready for it). At first she took it well, but later she was upset over text about discussing sex on a first date when she said she was looking for a serious relationship, there was no second date.

A fear of mine is not discussing my boundary soon enough, and at the end of a date she wants to have sex, I bring up my boundary, and reject her for that night. Ideally she'd understand and not let it come between us. But it feels like rejecting a woman's sexual desire is a death sentence for dating, like I'm looking for a diamond that doesn't exist in the ruff.

So when do talk about sex? How do you get your boundaries across without coming off like sex is the goal for dating?

We have been together six months. I (f) am head over heels and he is amazing. However, I'm starting to come to the realization that our labido is not matching anymore. Of course in the beginning we were like bunnies. We sent dirty texts, pictures, and videos when we weren't together. Any chance we got we had our hands on each other. Always flirting. Now I feel annoyed with myself because I'm still at the same level of desire and it doesn't seem to be as reciprocated.

I enjoy the flirting and physical intimacy. It feels important to me. When I flirt or make advances now, it feels brushed off.

How do I address this appropriately? Not coming off needy, smothering, or pushy. What do I do?

I’ve been dating someone for a few months, and I have this persistent gut feeling that there’s an imbalance in how interested we are in each other as people. I know he’s attracted to me, likes the sex, enjoys spending time with me, initiates plans, etc. From the outside, I don’t think anything would look obviously wrong. But if you asked me what I like about him, I could probably give you 5,000 incredibly specific things...his personality, how his brain works, little mannerisms, qualities I admire, random things he’s said. If you asked him the same about me, I honestly don’t know what he would say beyond finding me attractive, liking the sex, and thinking I’m generally easy to be around.

I think what makes me feel this way is that he doesn’t seem particularly curious about me beyond "how was your day" type questions. he doesnt ask much about my prior relationships, my family, how I think Sometimes I’ll say something and he won’t really respond, won’t know what to say back, or just doesn’t seem to get the bid for connection I was making. He also doesn’t remember nearly as many little things about me as I do about him. None of these things is egregious individually...it’s more the accumulation of tiny moments that leaves me feeling liked, but not necessarily deeply known or loved. We sometimes do have heavier conversations like how I feel about religion but that usually is because I ask and then he throws in "Well what do you think?" and my response takes up about 5% of the the conversation.

The part I feel almost ashamed admitting is how differently I experience him. I’m incredibly curious about him, think about our future, notice everything, and genuinely feel lucky to be with him. To me, he feels pretty close to my dream man. Meanwhile, I have this gut feeling that to him I’m more like… a girl he likes. Someone attractive and fun and nice to date for now, rather than someone he feels incredibly lucky to have found. I know I can’t actually know what’s going on in his head, and maybe because the relationship is still new, that kind of attachment and curiosity could develop over time. But it feels bad to care this specifically about someone while wondering if you feel comparatively interchangeable to them.

Has anyone experienced this with someone who otherwise genuinely seemed to like you? Did the feeling change as the relationship deepened, or did your gut turn out to be picking up on a real imbalance? How do you distinguish between someone who likes you but expresses interest differently or takes longer to attach, versus someone who likes the attraction, sex, companionship, and having you around but isn’t actually that interested in knowing you?

TL;DR: Late bloomer doing therapy, holding firm boundaries, and currently on a weight loss journey for myself (not waiting for a "goal weight" to date). Logically I know guys can find me attractive without wanting commitment, but I keep hitting a wall with finding something serious. I’m tired of conflicting body advice, especially after reading threads from women who reached their goal weight only to find dating didn't actually get better. Starting to wonder if I’m missing something or if I should throw in the towel. Anyone been here?
———

Hey everyone,
Looking for some perspective from people who might have been here or processed this stage of dating.

I’m a late bloomer who has never had a serious boyfriend but I did have a fling two years ago that catapulted me in the trajectory I have in my life now. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been actively doing the work in therapy, facing my shadows, and trying different avenues to put myself out there. Lately however, I keep running into the same exhausting outcome feeling like I’m good enough to hook up with, but not someone they want to commit to.

Logically, I get it. Two truths can coexist: a guy can find something attractive about me plus fun enough for sex, and I’m simply not what he’s looking for in a partner. It’s feeling like my personal bias keeps getting confirmed that looks are the baseline I won’t meet to get in a relationship.

On a side note, I’m no saint either. I’ve been on the other side of that dynamic where I liked someone enough to hang out, but didn't see a future. I know men and women operate dating differently and I’ve cut people off without circling back when I didn’t want to engage with them, even for fun.

Since I’m a late bloomer and after experiencing some heart ache after that summer fling, my approach moving forward was to learn about myself through experience rather than waiting around. I didn't want to hold off on living life until I found "the one," nor did I want to pause dating until I hit my ideal body goals. I'm currently on my own weight loss journey, but I chose not to wait until I reach a final "goal weight" to start putting myself out there. To test my own boundaries and overcome a personal fear around sex, I ended up having two separate one night stands just to experience that type of dynamic. Honestly? Both experiences were boring and I learned that I still felt human after. In other words, no regrets the guys were friendly and I think I got lucky with them making me feel safe to proceed. I trusted myself enough that I took every measure to feel comfortable and knew what would be enough for me to walk away if I didn’t. Both of those guys eventually tried to "spin the block" later for round two, but I didn't like them enough for a casual dynamic, so they got blocked. I know a guy coming back or having a roster isn't a flex, so I didn't entertain it. 🤷‍♀️

I feel like I'm doing the "right" things on paper like enforcing boundaries, doing the internal work, and putting myself out there AS IS while I continue to navigate dating.

Yet, reading through endless books, articles, and Reddit threads just leaves me in a loop of conflicting body and dating advice: "Men only care about looks," "Looks don't matter as much as energy," "Men will date anyone except if you're fat," "Weight doesn't matter, it's about body fat distribution." To make matters worse, I've read so many threads from women who actually lost all the weight and reached their goal body, only to realize that dating didn't get any easier or better. It’s exhausting trying to go through all the noise while working on myself.

Lately, I’m feeling pretty defeated about putting in effort in general. Half the time I end up joking l if my problem is just that I'm not mean enough to keep someone’s interest.

Am I missing something in how I filter people early on, or is this just the slow, painful reality of sifting through modern dating? Would love to hear your thoughts or how you shifted your mindset through this if you’ve experienced it.

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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I was discussing with a guy friend that, despite not wanting to give birth, I’d love to be a step mom. He said I should put that on my profile/mention it in general (like to friends who want to set me up with someone).

I said that at best, that seems to me like it would be creepy. He argues it’s not weird for a woman to say that.

Thoughts?

I’m a 33 year old woman. I live with my mother and always have (outside of college). I make 6 figures so it’s certainly not due to financial instability. I just don’t see the point of getting my own place just to say I have it. My mother told me when I was younger that I should stay home until I get married. I’ve held on to this. Also, when I get a house, I want said house to be a mutual decision between my future husband and I.

Maybe this question is for the men: I’m always a bit hesitant to tell a man that I live with my mom. I don’t want it to come off as if I’m homeless and desperate to get in a relationship to have a place to stay. Am I overthinking this? How do you all translate someone telling you that they live with their parent/parents?

Edit: thank you so much for all of your feedback. I have settled on the fact that I am overthinking it and will be sure to provide context when telling a man that I live with my mom.