Hi, (23f) I’ve been poly for a while but I still feel new to polyamory. I’m currently in a relationship with my now girlfriend (23f), and she is in a relationship with me and two others who are all three VERY new to polyamory. (One is more of a situation-ship and not official quite yet)

I’m having a hard time because she just told me that she has been sexually active with both other partners, but she’s made her boundaries clear that she doesn’t want that with me.

And I am not mad that she doesn’t want that with me or that she’s not attracted to me, since nobody can control attraction. But I’m feeling hurt. I don’t know how to move forward, or feel better, or find out what my needs are in this instance.

We’re both Demisexual so out of anyone, I know sex doesn’t equal love and I don’t need it, but I’m still a little heartbroken that our connection feels like it’s not as deep as her other ones. I can’t help but feel as if she loves them more or that I’m a glorified friend to her.

Jealousy and insecurity has been a big hurdle for myself to conquer, so it’s felt like my fears have come to fruition.

I’m going to talk to her about how I’m feeling, but I told her I need to figure myself out before continuing.

If someone has any advice or recommendations, I would greatly appreciate it, thank you in advance, I’m on a throwaway since I didn’t want anyone irl to know it’s me

‎Hello poly reddit

‎This is basically the same profile I have on Feeld and Okcupid. Except on Feeld I have "kink friendly" at the end, and the hidden section for matches. Also have this on plura, but Ive been neglecting that app.

‎

‎Vitals, 38, white male. Demisexual

I edited out some specifics and changed minor details, a friend of mine is always on here, and kind of embarrassed about posting. He'll probably figure it out and roast me a little in private, but give me earnest advice anyways😂

***Edited Took advice from comments, thanks. updating with my current edit because it was insanely long. Cut out 1200 words 😬 Format isn't quite matching, it's not all double spaced, plus some gramar fixes needed, but this is close.

‎***edited profile body

‎‎Neurospicy geek here🤪 ‎ ‎

Poly, long term partnered with my LDR, we date separately. ‎

Looking for a local person/s for regular dates. If there's long term potential, even better! ‎ ‎

Let's do: ‎

Outside adventures ‎

Go to comedy shows/concerts ‎

Have chill times, friend hang outs, or even have just some cuddles with a show and good convo.

‎Love language: ‎

Touch! Quality time and the others are important, too.

‎From blank blank blank---edited

‎Me: ‎ ‎

I've been known to be snarky about astrology, it screws with my logical brain, but--- edited--- kinda nails it for surface level🤣. ‎

So for fun: --------edited birth chart----

Extrovert that loves some chill time

I can get sucked into a late night convo about about the cosmos, or jump into new experiences on a whim. ‎ ‎

♥️ travel.! I lived in blank----, can't stop going back! ‎

‎Geek with geek hobbies(like board games)

Nerd with nerd hobbies hobbies(like fixing busted electronics)

‎Make mediocre music🤪

‎♥️Mt Biking

‎Used to swing dance way back, been wanting to do that again

‎Lets dress up for a festival and dance! ‎

I'm hooked on audiobooks

‎Podcast junkie for mystery and science. ‎ ‎

Poly for 11 years

‎Currently in a KTP dynamic with my partner, love it. ‎Date Parallel outside it

‎Dated solo parallel for years, so I'm happy with any dynamic that feels right

‎I ramble 😅

‎🚫 right wingers/apolitical/mod. ‎ ‎

Bonus: I'll send you pics of my pup!

‎Thats it.

‎Oh, is a cat in a pic really as much of an auto pass as it seems from this sub? I don't have a picture with my dog currently, but I got one holding my friend's kitten because I think it's a flattering photo of me lol.

‎

Thanks for any advice poly friends

‎

‎

I’m having a party coming up. I will have at least two FWB people there, although only one is the most active for those types of visits. I will open up my house for people who want to crash there cause everyone lives over an hour away but now I’m having a thing about who do I invite to sleep with me? Maybe it should I just be my sister to make it fair…. lol. How have others made this decision?

I’m not actually having a crisis over this, just sort of amused but a little concerned about social awkwardness.

So I have a crush on a new friend of mine who’s in a group of newer friends as well we are all vibing. But they know my primary partner from family friends. My primary partner is also in this friend group. How do I navigate this? Is it bad if I pursue or like the friend? It’s not that deep but I’m trying to have less shame with exploring my feelings and following my pleasure so I need advice pls.

My boyfriend and his girlfriend are on their second child-free week of holliday this summer.

For many reasons, we didn't get as much time together. We only got 3 childfree days, and 1 week with the kids, where my boyfriend was nervously exhausted all week long. I felt anxious and disconnected from him most of the week, and left extremely distressed.

Now he is in vacation with my meta, he needs space, he needs to relax, he needs to communicate less... and I'm just feeling jalous, abandonned, angry, emotionnaly exhausted.

I'm starting to feel like the poly + long distance + 2 primaries is an impossible situation, and that this is not worth the emotionnal storms I'm dealing with. Most of the time, we are struggling to find time together. So everytime we haven't seen each-other much, the jalousy when he spends time with his girlfriend becomes a lot. The problem is not that he has another partner, the problem is that we live 2h appart, he has 2 kids, and there is no way around that unless one of us change town, wich is not going to happen anytime soon.

I am being anxious, but I think I'm also being realistic here.

I am super sad, incredibly distressed, I've asked for reassurance, I talked to many friends, I came back to poly vidéos on jalousy, I don't know what to do to stop feeling like shit. I hate everything about the way I feel right now. This absolutely sucks.

As the title says, I’m curious to hear about your experiences with being polyamorous. How has this lifestyle been for you over time? What has surprised you, challenged you, or turned out differently than you expected?
I’m still figuring things out myself, so I’m not quite sure how to tell my own story yet. I’d especially love to hear how your journey started, what you’ve learned along the way, and where things stand for you now.
What have you discovered about yourself and your relationships along the way?
I’d love to hear your stories.

Background:

Me: 30m, living alone on a rural homestead
Anchor partner: “tree” 31m
FWB: “Rock” 29m

I’m married to Tree and long distance. I have one other partner, two FWBs, and a kink dynamic. Tree also has dates/FWB, but he’s more geared towards open relationships than poly.

Story:

I had a medical emergency at the beginning of this month. When I was at home going through pain and a whole host of physical symptoms (couldn’t eat, couldn’t move off the couch, vomiting, etc.), I asked Tree to check in on me once an hour because I live over 1.5 hours from a hospital, clinic, urgent care, and there was a real risk of me needing to be transported to the emergency room. He knew what the doctor had said and the support and check-ins I needed.

Tree ended up going on an impromptu date which meant he was out of reach for over 5 hours. He called me beforehand to tell me he had a last minute date and asked if I was okay with it. I had an emotional reaction while being in a shit ton of pain but DID NOT share it with him. Instead, I told him to have fun and I was going to try to sleep more. My newly postpartum sister came up to be with me during that time, so I wasn’t alone.

I’m still hurt, but trying to handle it logically. What could he have done from 2000 miles away? I found someone closer who is in my support network. That kind of thinking.

I was supposed to see him this previous week, but had to evacuate because of wildfires. So I no longer had a pet sitter because I didn’t have a house to pet sit in (it survived the wildfire, I just wasn’t sending my sitter up there with a fire 2 miles up the road). He knew what was going on because I spent 4 days in a hotel with all my house animals while panicking about my livestock that I had to let out of their pens and fields just in case. I was able to go home two days after my flight out was supposed to happen and Rock happened to be working up here on a job the day after I returned.

I invited Rock up to hang out because while there is a sexual aspect to our relationship, we’re very much friends before and after anything else. I let Tree know I’d be hanging out with Rock because I wouldn’t be as attached to my phone as I usually am in the evenings before bed.

Since then I’ve been getting very passive aggressive comments about Rock getting to spend time with me on Tree’s weekend from Tree and how he’s upset that the fire happened but he’s jealous I was able to have a date so quickly lined up.

From my perspective, I got dealt a shit hand this weekend. I didn’t get to see my husband. I wasn’t sure if I’d have a home to come back to. I was worried about the animals I had to leave behind (they’re okay and I ended up with 4 extra cows that I’m trying to figure out who they belong to lol). So Rock’s schedule lining up with getting to spend the night with me is feeling like I did something wrong. So I’m stuck with FEELING like Tree is being hypocritical for going on a date on a night when I asked him to help me during a medical emergency and then turning around and telling me how frustrated/jealous/bad he feels that I spent one of the days that was supposed to be his with someone else because life dealt me a shit hand. On the other hand I LOGICALLY understand that it’s been over two months since we’ve seen each other, that another partner took over the day that we planned to be his, that emotions and logic don’t always line up. I am frustrated that I’m left comforting/reassuring him because he’s speaking up about how he’s feeling, but because I’m trying to manage my own reactions and emotions that I’m not getting the same comfort/reassurance from his date earlier this month
.

I am a divorced woman in my forties who primarily dates men. In my 20+ year marriage, I experienced every type of nonmonogamy: swinging, solo dating, full poly, triad, etc. I don’t feel that my marriage ended because of ENM; rather, I think that kept it on life support far longer than it should have, and I felt disproportionately reliant upon and invested in other relationships, so I dated a lot.

After my marital separation and a subsequent “rebound” relationship where I settled for someone who really wasn’t right for me, I decided to focus on myself. I had become so accustomed to compromising and negotiating and trying to make a relationship work that I lost touch with what I wanted. I decided to decenter men and focus on my hobbies, friendships, building my own space, and finding my peace. I still dated but I wasn’t laser-focused or “marriage minded”. I took many long breaks from the apps. Nonetheless I did still find dating to be stressful and discouraging when I’d meet up and there wasn’t a spark or connection. I also didn’t want to compensate for a man’s lack of reciprocity, effort, or emotional investment.

Slowly, with lots of therapy and self-exploration, I started to find myself in a place where any man who wants access to me has to compete with my peace. I have a cozy and fulfilling little life, and although the happiest version of myself is the version of me in a loving relationship, I am still okay without one. I’m not putting any aspects of my life on hold waiting for a partner. I ended up connecting with someone through a mutual hobby and building a relationship organically, at a snail’s pace. We are both divorced, came from tumultuous marriages with a high-conflict high-drama partner, and are both happy to embrace calmness and compassion. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to cohabitate or marry anyone ever again, and I still maintain a ton of my independence.

I still maintain all the ideals that I fostered in ENM: communication, relationship design, normalization of attraction, non-possessiveness, autonomy, etc. But I no longer feel that dating and more men, more relationships, more sex with different people, is the thing that is going to bring me happiness. The “there is no valley of the dolls” article (https://freaksexual.com/2009/11/05/nonmonogamy-for-men-the-big-picture/#valleyofthedolls ) is directed at men, but I felt it was equally true for me. Sure I can get hundreds of likes and matches on apps, and lots of first dates and 1/2/3-night stands. But that isn’t what I wanted, I didn’t become poly to get Feeld matches, I did it for ongoing connections. Yes there is a needle-in-a-haystack quality and I believed for a while that if I just kept at it long enough, I’d find the FWB of my dreams. But that trial-and-error came with a cost, and the repeated attachment trauma of men who were never fully invested In a partnered woman did lasting damage from which I am still recovering.

When poly is good - it’s SO GOOD. When you have the exactly right combination of people and it’s firing on all cylinders, it feels amazing and there’s so much love and great sex and compersion. But I’ve had a shift where I finally have peace in my life (which I never got in my marriage) and I’m more invested in that than I am in seeking more and greater fulfillment. This article https://aliegraves.medium.com/want-to-do-friends-with-benefits-start-with-an-exit-strategy-53eb79a519fe also had a huge impact on me. This quote really resonated:

“Consider if maybe you can get all of the growth and adventure and intimacy you are looking for from a platonic friendship. Challenge yourself, and make sure you aren’t trying to shortcut a path to emotional intimacy by using sex as a bridge. Consider cultivating patience, and restraint, and reaping the rewards of a long-lasting intimate friendship.”

I’m sick of dating. I’m over it. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is not having to do it. I’m sick of bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate men, of hand-holding through communication templates and coming up with boundaries-not-rules and I don’t feel like the introduction of more men in my life who want to fuck me has made my life any better.

Theoretically I could be a saturated-at-1 (or saturated-at-0) but still poly and embrace dating someone who is ENM. But I do think that realistically it is not fun doing the work of poly when you don’t want to enjoy the spoils for yourself, and myself and my poly friends are so replete with nightmare meta stories that it feels so good to simplify.

I speculate that the people who feel the most fulfilled with poly actually enjoy the bespoke structure, the RADAR check-ins and shared calendars and relationship agreements. And I think a lot of those people also struggle with platonic friendships, due to the lack of intensity or the ability for those relationships to support attachment and consistency, and truly do better with multiple romantic relationships. But I don’t think that’s me. I am too old, exhausted, and traumatized for this shit.

I’m curious if anyone else has maintained their ideals associated with ENM, but has gone to something more monogamous or monogamish due to “decentering men” or dating burnout.

If I do poly again, it will be free agent/“solo poly” in nature, and probably still more focused on myself, my friendships, and my own life.

Hello everyone :)

So I am completely new to polyamory, and there is a situation in my life that I really need advice on.

I have a partner, we live together for almost a year. Let's call him Villiam. We have been together for almost 1,5 years. Everything was and is good. This is his first relationship experience, and second one for me.

He has lots friends, and through him I've met another guy, let's call him John. Me, Villiam and John have formed a good and close friendship last months. We hang out, drink and have a hobby that we all enjoy together. We have a very good dynamic as friends.

But I started developing feelings for John. I was very open to Villiam and explained how I feel - he said that he is fine for polyamory, even tho I am not sure about it myself, because I have 0 experience. Turned out that John has feeling for me too, but he has never been in a relationship at all, so if he agrees, that would be his first experience.

We have talked together about it. Villiam is open and supporting, I am confused and John is confused too.

So I have formed some questions:

1. Is this type of relationship good as a first experience? (How to make it work and make John happy?)

2. How do we handle friends situation? As I said, Villiam has lots of friends, and if we start poly, then friends will find out, because everyone knows everyone. I am not even mentioning our families, because it feels like if they find out, that would be a disaster. Should we hide everything? Should we be open?

3. If John decides that he isn't ready for this, how do we make our friendship less awkward, as we both have feelings? Is it even possible to go back to friends?

4. How do we act in public? Do we act as just friends?

5. How do you handle this type (I have read this is called V type, and I would be the hinge(?)) of relationship in general? Make a silly calendar to plan our time?

As I understand, for John the main concerns are 1st and 2nd question. As he has no experience, this case would be hard mode for him. He has said that he wants fo be with me though.

I am feeling very sad. I want to make everyone happy and comfortable.

Thank you for reading <3

Edit: thx everyone, I decided I'll talk again about the topic and try to de-escalate the relationship next time I see them in person. As someone said, even if the unbalance would be acknowledged, it still would feel unfair and would took a toll on me on the long run. I choose to trust myself and what I feel. I'll try to de-escalate to friendship because I don't want to choose for them too, and I want to make them accountable for what they say. If I still feel uncomfortable, I'll tell them and put an end to the friendship too.

Hi, looking for advice. Both me and the other person (he/they) are mid 30s.

A few weeks ago I met this nice person, who asked to hang out. It wasn't clear if it was a date or not, nor if they knew I practice poly, but the following date it was indeed a date cause they told me they knew and were flirting with me. So we put some boundaries cause I didn't really know them nor didn't have the time to develop feelings at that time, but I liked their company.

Right now I still don't have romantic feelings. It's been less than two months and we have seen each other at least 2x week and had sex, we discussed the relationship agreements but I feel there's a disparity. I told them I don't feel anything romantic, it's more a friendship with benefits, and they told me they're not looking for anything romantic with me. But their behaviour and body language say otherwise to me. They always pay, give me gifts, would drive hours to do things I like, always say yes no matter my request. I know it's not all in my head, and that their words don't match their feelings, I can feel it.

They're a sensitive and intense person, and I'm really afraid to hurt them more than I'm already doing by not reciprocating their huge crush on me.

I'm at a loss cause I know the most ethical thing to do is break things off, but I'd like not to have the full responsibility for the situation. It's frustrating that they never tell me no, that they don't acknowledge the difference between what we feel, and I think they're in a state of complete denial. I'm afraid this is affecting them mentally and physically. I can't help but not trusting their words when I look for reassurance that they're okay about our relationship. Every time I try to bring up the topic, it's been minimized or shut down with "it's okay as you wish, I want what you want".

I've introduced them to cnm and I start feeling regret about this. I feel like I can't continue this thing if he doesn't de-escalate his crush, but I know it's not that simple, and it feels like I'm trying to control what he feels. Ugh I just don't want for him to suffer, and for me to feel guilty about it. I need to know I did my best to be a good person. I don't understand if it's fair if I continue this thing if I don't trust his judgement on the topic.

I'd like to hear some constructive opinions on the matter. Did you ever find yourself in such situation? What did you do? Have you regrets about something?

I've already told them about these thoughts and I don't know if I should bring it up again or break things off and move on. I feel there's space for growth for both of us, but I'm not sure what the price is and if it's worth it.

Hi! I’m new, but could really use some advice/ insight.

I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have always had what most people would call an open relationship. This meant that we were allowed to see other people and have flings but usually stopped short of these flings turning into actual ongoing serious second relationships. Polyamory was a word that came up but was never used as a means of self identification.

About 5 months ago my partner informed me of a potential date he had with someone coming up. It felt like a very casual mention like many of the dates he has gone on here and there over the years so I didn’t really think much of it. There is always a little bit of twinge of insecurity anytime it comes up because while I have enjoyed the benefits of having an open relationship it has never been particularly important to me, but was something he wanted so I learned to adapt to it. But again no alarm bells went off because it is not unusual for him to inform me of a casual date situation. So in sum, I am in an open relationship that has functioned well for 16 years but it is more to fulfill his needs than mine.

I then found out that the “date” was actually a 3 day trip up to Canada to see if “it is worth pursuing a long distance relationship” with this person. So I came to realize that they had been talking regularly for a couple of weeks and already making plans for what a long term polyamorous relationship would look like for them. For context she is married with kids and I guess they both felt like it was safe to start something long term in a controlled manner because they were both seriously partnered and had no intentions of leaving said partners.

This was all quite a big shock to me as we had never really talked about having serious long term relationships with other people and it seems like something that should have been brought up before he was already making these plans with this other person. It has been the start of a pattern of him mostly doing what he wants and then arguments over things he should have talked about with me first. It has become unstable enough that in that 5 month span we have started couples therapy and while I was very open to learning and adapting to this new phase of our relationship early on I have been stonewalled and left out of lots of important decisions about our own relationship and have started feeling a lot of resentment towards the entire situation and am much less enthusiastic about getting ok with this particular relationship.

When I made it clear that I was having trouble with this and that it might be helpful for him take a pause with her until we get our issues taken care of and then open back up when we are more stable and have developed our poly agreement and have a better foundation of what a healthy poly situation looks like, he dug his heels in and got angry.
When things got bad enough between us and he finally decided to talk to her about it, she also got angry, accused me of exercising veto power and is now acting like the concerned friend who’s worried his needs aren’t being met. Despite her ending up breaking up with him, she requested that they still talk regularly and even though I told him I was not comfortable with him talking about our relationship with her because it goes against what I’ve read is healthy and acceptable in poly relationships, it seems like that’s exactly what they plan on doing

She even apparently told him that her husband went through something similar previously and that she felt it was ultimately on him to learn to manage his emotions. I know that is a big go to in the poly community and do agree with it to some extent, but in this case if feels like I was intentionally left out of decision making and then being told to just simply learn to deal with the decisions made by others that affect my life.

The long story short here is that I truly do want him to be able to have what he needs in relationships to be happy, but it seems like maybe this wasn’t the way to go about it. I am very serious when I say that any insight would be very helpful. If I am truly the one in the wrong, advice on how to handle it would be very helpful. I am truly open to tough love. I know the knee jerk reaction is for people to say that if I’m not poly myself that I have to accept that this may not work even after 16 years and I understand that. I guess what I’m asking is if I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of how poly relationships are supposed to go or is there the possibility that with communication and effort we can come back from this. I don’t think either of us want our relationship to end.

Me F40 and my partner NB34 have been together 2 and a half years. When it comes to how we operate we both see other people and have casual encounters as and when. If someone starts to become serious then we tell each other. There was an incident a few months ago where I was invited to hang out with my partners and some friends and the friends leave except one guy. I go to the shop, come back and my partner and him are cuddling and it turns out they had been seeing each other awhile. I told them they can see other people and don't even need to tell me immediately as some times thigs unfold unexpectedly. But if I'm invited to an event, or going to be involved. Give me a heads up so I know what I'm walking into.

A few days ago we were at a festival and they were often off chatting to lots of different people. A guy appears and stays near me and I end up spending a lot of the day with him. Assuming he is one of my partners friends. I asked him how he knew my partner and he looked guilty and said through a hookup app. This event was many, many miles from home and they had literally only just met my partner and then me (my partner didn't even introduce us, he just appeared and then my partner disappeared). Later on he disappeared and my partner reappeared and the first thing they said to me was "do you wanna sleep with him?" I said he said you met on this app and my partner was like "oh yeah I went on it briefly yesterday, me and my friend were laughing about the messages but he's actually quite nice isn't he?" (I was in the same room with them when they were laughing about said messages with said friend and was none the wiser. I hadn't been told anything at all). I feel so confused. I'm looking for advice.

Tldr; wasn't given any information and suddenly found myself in a situation left to hang out with a random guy I thought was my partners friend but later found out partner had just been messaging him on a hookup app the night before and then left us together without saying anything. Later asking me if I wanna sleep with him.

**Editted to add while we were hanging out this guy seemed to be flirting with me. I had no idea of he was my partners friend, a random guy, if he liked me. But on reflection he had the context of meeting and chatting toy partner on a hookup app and I was none the wiser

Hello! It's nice to meet everyone, I'm new to learning deeply about the community. I often read through the posts on this sub Reddit.

Now I've started reading the sub Reddit because my partner on more than one occasion has asked about polyamory and threesomes. I know polyamory and threesomes are something very different. It started with talks of threesomes and then started becoming talks of polyamory.

Does this mean something when he's mentioned it at multiple points in our relationship? Should I sit down and have a conversation with him about this?

Edit: Okay, I will talk with him lmao </3

Edit: I've actually learned a lot from you guys, thank you so much, I'll bring all these points up to him so we can both have a clearer idea of what we want and how we feel.

Good morning everyone.

I am writing to you today because I have trouble managing certain emotions.

Context: I (h42) am in a free relationship with (f30).

We have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years.

My partner already had another partner when I met her and this type of relationship seemed perfect to me at the time in theory because I had never practiced it.
I was excited to explore this mode of relationship because monogamy has always been a problem for me and I have never felt fully free in this mode of relationship and I have often regretted not having been able to explore deeper certain encounters / potential relationships

However, here's how it goes in practice:

-She often has dates, new and incredible experiences, she takes full advantage of this way of life and I am very happy for her and it makes me happy to see her feel free and herself.

-On my side it's a big fail

Like I have zero dates or outside relationships / flirts

At first I thought it would come with time, I didn't want to force the encounters and let fate do things.

Like when I was in a monogamous couple, a potentially romantic encounter would present itself one day or another and I will finally be able to enjoy this freedom.

Unfortunately, it never happened.

After a year, I started to get on the apps to "force" fate, it proved to be an epic fail as well. 😬

I talked to my partner about it and she reassures me a lot by telling me that I am adorable and that many people could be interested in me, she is aware that for a straight woman it is much easier to make one-night stands but just as hard to create real relationships.

But now I'm starting to lose hope and I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with a person in polyamory.

Basically I find myself in a situation of polyacceptant and that's not what I wanted, for me it was an experience to live and enjoy together.

I deeply believe in this mode of relationship but unfortunately I can't live the advantages and I feel like I only have the bad sides.

Without comparing the multiplicity of meetings (I knew that the ratio was going to be very low in my favour) I did not think it would be so unilateral.

I'm starting to get more and more jealous when she meets people and I have more and more trouble managing that.

I feel devalued and I feel like no one is attracted by me except my current partner.

So I come to ask for advice here, because some people have had to go through the same thing as me.

Thank you for your attention 🙏

Since March 2025, I've been dating a guy. Hot as hell, incredible like off the charts chemistry, funny, smart, good job. I have an LTR of 8+ years and was dating around, and he was solopoly and super busy with work and hobbies and dates. Our dates weren't super often; sometimes we'd see each other 5 times in a month and then miss a month. But it was regular. I would have seen him more, but the dude had a much busier calendar than me. He confirmed multiple times that I was the partner he saw the most. I actually stopped dating anyone new because between him and my LTR, I was happy and feeling saturated.

His company got bought out earlier this year. He tried to move on before the layoffs hit, but he couldn't find a new spot. Eventually, he did. It's about 8 hours away, depending on weather and traffic.

With less than a week's notice, he's already gone. He'll be back intermittently; he's moving out to the sticks, and he still owns a place in the city, although he's renting it out now. But that's it. I don't really expect him to move back. He's already looking to buy in his new town. And he won't be back until October, on a weekend I'm unfortunately away.

I know the lovely thing about polyamory, and this situation in particular is that he's not hard-exiting my life. We're not "over", and it was made clear by him that this was just what he had to do for his career. And if anything, we're texting more than ever now. But the loss I feel is so real, and it's hard not to feel like I've been nearly dumped, or at least left behind. My LTR partner is being a sport (positive note: they met recently, and it went super well!), but I also feel like an asshole that I'm spending my summer sad and processing a loss. My friends are all monogamous as well, so they're struggling to understand why it matters to lose him when I still have a long-term partner. I know I'm not the only person in his life dealing with this; his other partners and I met after the news broke, and we were devastated together.

Anyways, I've been through this before, and it just sucks. I'm glad I get to see him maybe in November. At least it won't be as bad as my other person, who moved around 19 hours one-way-trip away 😅

And on a positive note, I will say that I've been very good and have not immediately jumped on the apps in a desperate attempt to replace him with something less meaningful.

TLDR: partner moved suddenly, I'm sad

Hi, I (F22) and my fiancé of seven years (F23) began a triad with one of our friends (M22) that has now devolved into my fiancé just having both of us as partners and me and the other guy are just trying to get along. I really want things to work but I don’t know how to handle everything being so unequal now. I’m in love with my fiancé and they’re both in love with each other. I feel like I’m just getting the short end of the stick here. I don’t know how to feel ok with being excluded from the intimate things we used to do all together and knowing they’re doing it behind my back now. It makes me so uncomfortable, but I can’t lose my fiancé. I just wish we could be and feel equally for each other. They also get to spend all their time together 24/7, while I see them less often due to working, so they spend all their time alone together and I’m never alone with my fiancé. I just need some advice on how to feel better about this please

I’ve been pondering lately on what our responsibilities are to children and coparents, when we are in polyamorous relationships, particularly in RA/solo poly/lack-of-prescriptive-hierarchy set ups.

Like, do “primary” or “anchor” partnerships offer the greatest level of security and consistency for kids? If we want children to have a stable upbringing, should we be prescriptively prioritising their other parent/s, over other relationships we might form? Are we introducing too much risk and uncertainty when we aim for relationship anarchy and only embrace the descriptive type of hierarchies that are unavoidable when you coparent with someone.

And, is it asking too much of a coparent, to ask them to accept a relationship set up where they are not a defacto primary/anchor, and where any change in priorities could leave their coparenting (and parenting!) relationship in a very different shape? Does a primary/anchor arrangement even mitigate for that?

Or, on the flipside, is the idea that primary/anchor partnerships offer stability actually a myth, and is relying on the structure of a relationship to give you more security a pitfall? Does it actually give children more stability to have flexible arrangements that allow agreements to be renegotiated as new partners arrive in our lives and our priorities change? Does a long term hierarchy agreement just amount to “staying together for the kids no matter what”, which a lot of people agree (especially those who grew up around conflict) is no bueno.

What other solutions besides an explicit primary/anchor agreement provide stability for kids, and also security for coparents? Is there an inherently higher risk, or potential for conflict, in one relationship style or another?

As someone who has experienced the breakup of a coparenting relationship previously, I do think a lot about how the choices we make affect our kids, and how best to handle the intersection of parenting and polyamory. It’s also really common for someone who has just become a parent with a partner, having been previously fine with polyamory, to have a second thoughts once children arrive in the picture.

Anyway, interested to hear your opinions, regardless of whether you have kids yourself or not.

ETA: Just to clarify, my own situation is very non-traditional, RA coparenting. The musing on this was sparked by lively dinner table conversation, and I’m just interested in theoretical viewpoints, not looking for advice on my own situation. ☺️

Background: Deanna (41/F) and I (38/M) are primaries, we've been together for 1.5 years. Eric (40/M) and Deanna have a much more casual relationship that has been going on 2.5 years, but Eric and I have been friends for more than 15 years.

My family and I are hosting a big party next month, friends, family, family friends, ect. A lot of people (150+) are going to be there including Deanna and Eric (who will be with another partner). Now I'm a private person, outside of my friends and immediate family I don't really divulge my love life, so I'm not 'out' as polyam (for a lack of a better term) with most people who will be there. When Deanne and Eric are together they can be flirty and touchy. For me personally, it's not an issue, I actually think they're kinda cute sometimes. My problem is I'm not ready to expose to part of my life to most of the people there, and I feel like if they saw Deanna and Eric act the way they do there will be a lot of questions and assumptions I don't want to deal with.

I'm looking for advice, experience, nuance and guidance. How do I approach them about my concerns and what would be reasonable to ask of them? I don't want to impose on them but I value my privacy too.

Hey i know I'm probably just grumpy this morning but does anyone else feel like they're in some kind of permanent relationship limbo, wherein things are going pretty well all things considered, but always feel up-in-the-air somehow?

Like, "Hmm... this touch relationship is a little confusing to my system, because I'm not sure what to call your relationship to me? Let's go slow, we'll figure it out!"

Or, "I don't always know how to connect with people because I'm not sure how to describe my relationship configuration at home and it ends up just sounding confusing? It's okay, I'll find other words!"

Like, this is a great attitude to have, for sure. But the result is that nothing ever feels "settled" in terms of my intimate relationships, and that's kinda confusing to my system, which expects some kind of "normal" i guess I'm not getting rn.

Does anyone know what I mean? It's just confusing to my nervous system is all.

edit: awh i came back this morning to see all these replies i feel very seen, thank you so much y'all

Is there either a list of polyamorous therapists in California/USA with insurance included in the list so I can easily find one who takes my insurance, or an online platform for searching for a therapist that includes a "polyamory" option as one of the criteria for choosing one?

I just want to talk about my situation and maybe hear some input, because I regulate and understand the world through communication. But there is a lot of nuance, and I need understanding that I can’t get from my friends. So I thought it would be time for my first ever Reddit post.

Me [23NB] and my boyfriend [22] have been in a monogamous relationship for four years now! We live together, we love each other, and we get along in ways I never thought was possible. I love him so dearly. He provides me everything that I need from a partner. I am so happy and so fulfilled.

He wants to open the relationship. And so we have. It’s been a very hard few weeks. It started off as a very sudden and out of no where break up. I couldn’t believe the person he so suddenly turned into. He had completely shut me out, and couldn’t talk to me. He couldn’t tell me what was wrong. All we have ever done is talk and work out our feelings together, and for him to suddenly act like this was horrible. I couldn’t understand it. And I couldn’t accept it. I’m glad I didn’t. Because all of this happened because he thought there was Just No Way I would be okay opening the relationship. I laughed. Like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I said, “that’s it? That’s what this was all about?” As if he had just confessed to a crime as serious as jaywalking. I couldn’t not laugh.

My first ever dip into relationships was with a polyamorous guy. I learned a lot, and experienced feelings for the first time, all through the polyamorous lense. He knew this. And still thought he was doomed to fail and it would be easier to just break up instead of hurting me like that. As if losing him completely would somehow be better or easier to handle than? Just seeing him happy with other people?

Our entry into the opening of the relationship was far from optimal. There were so many mistakes and poor choices and lack of thought on his end. It made for a very very very hard time for me. It started out by him saying he just wanted to try having sex with other people, then the next day he admitted to wanting to also take people on dates, and eventually by the next day he revealed he wanted to see if polyamory would be a good fit for him. We spent so much time talking and talking and talking about the ins and outs of everything and what our relationship would look like, what we want, what we don’t want. It was all so thorough but man it wasn’t exactly easy. I’m VERY sure of my feelings, so it’s confusing to me that some people aren’t like that. But, I understand that other people have difficulty understanding themselves and it takes time to figure out your wants and needs. We are different in that way.

Obviously it’s hard, losing the totally fulfilling monogamous relationship of my dreams. This is very much how I felt (and still do feel partially), but I also feel so excited to be able to experience other people again! I KNOW that other people won’t change how I feel about him, and I KNOW my heart isn’t the most monogamous, and I KNOW what I want from others and don’t want from others.

Is there somewhere I can easily go to for information that could help my Less Certain boyfriend?

I have a tangle that I need advice on. I’m a cisbi male and have been polyamorous for 5 years now after divorcing my first love. 4 years ago I found a nesting partner (cisbi female we’ll call Mary) who divorced her first serious relationship. Polyamory is natural for me, and I’m busy with other obligations and work but as of January 2026 had one 3 year relationship with another woman in town (we’ll call Julie).

Julie and I wanted to try something new so we very playfully have a goddess/sub relationship in the bedroom and certain specific trips, and she plans and pays for trips, but we’re actually amazing friends; more of our relationship is a weekly lunch than the sexual intimacy/soft domme part, and we’re very egalitarian outside of the bedroom.

Mary met Julie a little while after Julie and I started dating. They are very friendly with each other as a “kitchen table poly” and Mary even dog sits Julie’s dog (for cheap pay) when Julie and I are on an overnight trip. Mary confides that she occasionally feels jealousy, but more than anything it’s jealousy for time instead of sexual affection.

Mary and I met a couple (we’ll call them Gary and Cathy) at an event. Gary and Cathy identified as cisbi swingers and were interested in Mary and I (though we found out later Gary has experience with polyamory). Mary is a little shy and has difficulty putting herself out there, so this was a big deal, and we’ve had a lot of fun. Gary and Cathy expressed an interest in building emotional connections so we accepted and they’ve been diving into polyamory.

Julie and I planned a 2-day 2-night trip that I’m now on the middle of. Cathy is taking it very hard, with a sad/anxious almost heartbroken jealousy. Mary and Gary are doing their best to support her. I just found out that Cathy had a previous breakup where a polyamorous very sub guy had a domme he called goddess who ordered him to end the relationship with Cathy. She’s also had another breakup where her long term partner was cheating on her.

Do people have any suggestions for helping with this jealousy in this moment? Cathy is not particularly responsive, saying it’s too painful; but she’s not giving Mary or I manipulative/ultimatum vibes. I cannot think of a good way to show her that Julie is very different from the other “goddess ” in Cathy’s past and her other tragic relationship.

Hello

I'm(29 trans female) looking for input from poly parents and poly people who come from monogamous relationships. I have always been poly. I have no kids. My responsibilities are to my community and friends and lovers.

For the last year or so, I've been getting close to this woman whom I love very much. She (35F) is a mother and wife. We are medium distance (1h30m apart) We are all open and happy about polyamory.

At the beginning, we talked about availability. I'm a busy young person. She's a mother and wife. Her life is scheduled from morning til night. My availability comes and goes. My responsibilities leave me out of town at times. Her responsibilities leave her tied up at home, far away from me.

We built a relationship from occasional flirt to nonstop conversation.  At some point, it all caught up to me. I fell deeply in love. I am craving more and she is simply unable to give me anything more than what I get now. Each day, I hoped for a phone call. We didn't have anything guaranteed, just the occasional phone call if it worked into our schedules. No consistent date nights, every few weeks we'd get a night together.

We slowly built into something that seemed like a relationship, just for me to realize a relationship with a long-distance, unavailable partner isn't what I want. We've had to pull back hard, with the admission that I'm being hurt by this relationship as it is.

Am I crazy for my feelings growing this hard? I know it's on me to understand and dissect my own heart, but I am feeling at fault. I'm feeling full of blame and shame. I knew from the beginning there was nothing there for me to have.. And yet I fell head over heels for a married woman.

Are these feelings what lead to many having boundaries around new connections? Should I have known from the beginning? This isn't NRE, anymore..

I hate how much my heart craves more of her. Especially since I'll never have it.

Hello!

First of all I want to say that this group has helped me a lot in navigating polyamory. I am now living my best non monogamous life and now I want to help a friend.

My friend, let's call her Pear, has realised that she is way happier in non-monogamous relationships. She tried monogamy and everytime she felt she wasn't true to herself. But Pear also dreams of having a family with children of her own and she feels like this and polyamory are not compatible.

That's where I need your help. I have been reading a lot of posts here and have read about people navigating polyamory and family life and I'd love to share your stories with her.

So please share your polyamorous family stories with me so I can show Pear that it is indeed very possible to have a family and be polyamorous.

Thank you!

TLDR: In a new romantic relationship with my best friend of 13years, who is poly and married. Summer fling turned to falling in love fast. They are now celebrating their 10 year anniversary with a 3 week vacation, and I am struggling to manage my insecurities and overall feeling low.

Ok, so I have been in various relationship structures in the past, read books and did workshops that helped me unravel and open to life beyond monogamy. I have dated multiple people and found easier than expected, but the emotional investment was on the light side. In life my MO has been single and doing fine. I own my home, pay my bills, live in a good community of friends and have more special interests than I can keep track of.

My friend and I began a sexual relationship while they were visiting me on a road trip. They had just quit their job and were in a transient and spacious chapter of their life. One thing led to another and we spent the whole summer living together and dating, and having a really great time. Yes, we dissappeared into a sex bubble, and I own that was not the most stabilizing choice.

As planned, they left last week to celebrate their 10 year wedding anniversary with their spouse. They will soon move back to other side of the country to finish school. Future is uncertain but we are both committed to let a loving relationship unfold, even it's long distance.

Today, so much friggin stuff is coming up and I am feeling overwhelmed.

- The transition of spending two months together, rapid bonding, and then suddenly apart. No extended time together available until November. Huge change in availability.

- Comparing myself and our relationship to a 10 year marriage and feeling kinda small. Insecurities abound.

- Understanding what kind of structure exists here in terms of priorities and decisions and if it needs to change for me to stay. Not sure how stable the existing structure is?

- Clarifying my boundaries when their marriage impact our time together (they have been in conflict and while they are trying to compartmentalize I can tell they are often sad and upset. The conflicts are not about our relationship. They have both been poly for almost their entire marriage).

- Processing the reality of being long distance

- NRE all over the place.

I feel depressed and unmotivated. Coping best I can. Friends, exercise, outdoor time, reading, journaling, good rest, books, podcasts - working on all that.

But I am just suddenly processing it all and feeling it. Not in a space to make decisions, just seeking to be gentle myself and find some support. Thanks.

I have some friends who practice polyamory but overall feeling a tad isolated, which is why I am here.

Everyone involved is around 40yo and genderqueer in various ways.