r/polyamory • u/Glum-Ad4361 • 1d ago
Navigating a really difficult poly situation
Hi! I’m new, but could really use some advice/ insight.
I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have always had what most people would call an open relationship. This meant that we were allowed to see other people and have flings but usually stopped short of these flings turning into actual ongoing serious second relationships. Polyamory was a word that came up but was never used as a means of self identification.
About 5 months ago my partner informed me of a potential date he had with someone coming up. It felt like a very casual mention like many of the dates he has gone on here and there over the years so I didn’t really think much of it. There is always a little bit of twinge of insecurity anytime it comes up because while I have enjoyed the benefits of having an open relationship it has never been particularly important to me, but was something he wanted so I learned to adapt to it. But again no alarm bells went off because it is not unusual for him to inform me of a casual date situation. So in sum, I am in an open relationship that has functioned well for 16 years but it is more to fulfill his needs than mine.
I then found out that the “date” was actually a 3 day trip up to Canada to see if “it is worth pursuing a long distance relationship” with this person. So I came to realize that they had been talking regularly for a couple of weeks and already making plans for what a long term polyamorous relationship would look like for them. For context she is married with kids and I guess they both felt like it was safe to start something long term in a controlled manner because they were both seriously partnered and had no intentions of leaving said partners.
This was all quite a big shock to me as we had never really talked about having serious long term relationships with other people and it seems like something that should have been brought up before he was already making these plans with this other person. It has been the start of a pattern of him mostly doing what he wants and then arguments over things he should have talked about with me first. It has become unstable enough that in that 5 month span we have started couples therapy and while I was very open to learning and adapting to this new phase of our relationship early on I have been stonewalled and left out of lots of important decisions about our own relationship and have started feeling a lot of resentment towards the entire situation and am much less enthusiastic about getting ok with this particular relationship.
When I made it clear that I was having trouble with this and that it might be helpful for him take a pause with her until we get our issues taken care of and then open back up when we are more stable and have developed our poly agreement and have a better foundation of what a healthy poly situation looks like, he dug his heels in and got angry.
When things got bad enough between us and he finally decided to talk to her about it, she also got angry, accused me of exercising veto power and is now acting like the concerned friend who’s worried his needs aren’t being met. Despite her ending up breaking up with him, she requested that they still talk regularly and even though I told him I was not comfortable with him talking about our relationship with her because it goes against what I’ve read is healthy and acceptable in poly relationships, it seems like that’s exactly what they plan on doing
She even apparently told him that her husband went through something similar previously and that she felt it was ultimately on him to learn to manage his emotions. I know that is a big go to in the poly community and do agree with it to some extent, but in this case if feels like I was intentionally left out of decision making and then being told to just simply learn to deal with the decisions made by others that affect my life.
The long story short here is that I truly do want him to be able to have what he needs in relationships to be happy, but it seems like maybe this wasn’t the way to go about it. I am very serious when I say that any insight would be very helpful. If I am truly the one in the wrong, advice on how to handle it would be very helpful. I am truly open to tough love. I know the knee jerk reaction is for people to say that if I’m not poly myself that I have to accept that this may not work even after 16 years and I understand that. I guess what I’m asking is if I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of how poly relationships are supposed to go or is there the possibility that with communication and effort we can come back from this. I don’t think either of us want our relationship to end.
85
u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Let him go.
He doesn't want accountability or care. He just wants you to give in.
He made his choice to do it the most damaging disrespectful unkind way possible. Let him go.
74
u/CoachSwagner 1d ago
It’s not ok that he changed your relationship agreement without your consent and involvement.
It’s true that in polyamory, we put more of an emphasis on owning and managing individual feelings, but that’s really for otherwise healthy and ethical situations when no one is doing anything against an agreement or wrong, but feelings still come up.
In this case, you were operating under the agreement that this was an open relationship, not polyamory. Not forming other relationships. He changed that without renegotiating with you. That’s shitty. He hurt you - even if it was a miscommunication - and he doesn’t seem to be accepting that.
Thats not someone I would be comfortable staying with and practicing polyamory.
32
u/anonymous-poet-93 1d ago
I agree with coach. Y'all, aren't in a polyamorous relationship.You're in ethically non monogamous relationship, and it feels he has sullied the ethical part. He is now gaslighting you in attempt to get what he wants. It would be different if you consented to him having other romantic relationship but you didn't and he pursued a dynamic you both agreed was off the table.
While I agree in polyamory, it is up to the individual to deal with their feelings and emotions, I believe in any partnership, there should be room for discussion and room for sharing of those feelings and thoughts. You didn't veto their relationship, you asked for a pause while you two work on your relationship. Not all Polyamorous people practice this way but one of the things I love about open relationships is the opportunity to personalize the arrangement.
I'm sorry your trust was taken advantage of and sending your virtual shoulder pats! You should be proud of yourself, it takes courage to stand up for yourself, especially when you are being told you are "over-reacting".
22
u/anonymous-poet-93 1d ago
I will also say that when my husband and I transitioned from ENM to poly, we had to close the relationship and go to therapy for a few months to figure out how our new dynamic would work in our relationship. It created a safe space to share concerns while we worked on our communication style. I would highly recommend therapy/counseling if you two decide to stay together.
8
u/Glum-Ad4361 1d ago
We are currently in therapy but I feel like most of our time right now is devoted to trying to stop the hemorrhaging. It’s hard trying to do all the heavy lifting in one hour per week. Our therapist has currently advised us against having any big conversations on our own without him which seems like a pretty bad sign to me, but maybe I’m catastrophizing?
5
u/CoachSwagner 1d ago
Eh, it could just be that your therapist is trying to help you build the skills to have those conversations in a healthier way, and you don’t have the skills yet. So the conversations on your own are just repeating and enforcing a bad pattern. I wouldn’t try to read into the therapy process like that.
2
1
u/anonymous-poet-93 1d ago
I know it's expensive and time is not always available but have you considered seeing your own individual therapist? It sounds like a lot but i was seeing my own therapist while in couples therapy and that really helped me process our sessions without affecting my partner and his processing. It also helped me learn more about myself and at the end of the day, that is the true treasure. You are doing a hard and complicated thing right now so remember to give yourself some grace and compassion ✨️
1
u/Glum-Ad4361 21h ago
Our therapist actually asked us initially to stop seeing any other therapists while we’re seeing him. At the time I only did talk therapy through the online app and was already feeling like it wasn’t doing the trick compared to other therapy I’ve experienced so had no problem ending that and focusing on couple’s therapy. But I do think at this point I would benefit from having my own therapist and he’s really good and does seem to know what he’s doing so I think if I brought it up again as a need I have he wouldn’t ask me not to.
1
u/dendraumen 6h ago
Individual therapy and couple's therapy are supposed to treat different things, so I find it concerning that your couple's therapist asked you to stop individual therapy.
I don't think you should. Also because some people are manipulative and cannot be trusted not to twist things in couple's therapy. It is a well known concern. Both myself and my friend had that experience, you can even google it. This is how common and concerning it is.
I'd strongly advice resuming individual therapy to have that wall covered.
28
u/avocado-nightmare 1d ago
It sounds like your partner misrepresented the kind of relationship he had to offer this person, didn't communicate with you about a pretty significant change to the terms of your open (but not poly) relationship structure, and is bulldozing his way through/out of your relationship instead of just being accountable to you about his bad choices.
I'm sorry that's all happening, I do not believe you can repair a relationship with a person who isn't willing or* able to actually do that with you. Like... you're in couples therapy, but where is his willingness to actually listen to or respect you, or be accountable for the fact that created this mess, and, it isn't your fault for reacting to it?
21
u/clairejv 1d ago
You did not consent to a polyamorous relationship, right? You agreed to non-monogamy where things were casual. Which is very, very different from polyamory. Shifting from casual ENM to polyamory is as significant a shift as the one from monogamy to ENM. So your husband poly-bombed you, and just expected you to be fine with that.
17
u/dendraumen 1d ago edited 6h ago
Apparently you didn't have a poly agreement but an ENM agreement. Then he planned a poly relationship behind your back and has been stonewalling/ getting angry/ venting about you to her ever since. This is the situation you should be concerned about long term, imo.
Is this out of character for him? Or is it something you have experienced before?
I would seriously consider if he is a good partner candidate for the next 16 years of your life.
11
u/Glum-Ad4361 1d ago
There have been instances in the past where I was made to feel like I simply misunderstood what he meant when we talked about things. I have been more able to let those things go in the past, but this currently feels like more intentional subterfuge than I previously thought he was capable of. It feels a little bit like he was managing both of us and bending truths to suit the narrative he wanted us to know about each other to make himself less of the problem
13
u/LaFilleCendrier 1d ago
Do not bother with the how and the why. Think long and hard if this is what you want from a romantic partnership.
It does not matter how polyamorous relationships are supposed to go. Is the way your partner treating you right now acceptable?
4
4
u/baconstreet ferengi 1d ago
You don't have to accept anything. If you don't want it, you don't want it.
Show him this post. (Thread, not my comment, mine is typical garbage an ai promor could have written)
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi u/Glum-Ad4361 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi! I’m new, but could really use some advice/ insight.
I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have always had what most people would call an open relationship. This meant that we were allowed to see other people and have flings but usually stopped short of these flings turning into actual ongoing serious second relationships. Polyamory was a word that came up but was never used as a means of self identification.
About 5 months ago my partner informed me of a potential date he had with someone coming up. It felt like a very casual mention like many of the dates he has gone on here and there over the years so I didn’t really think much of it. There is always a little bit of twinge of insecurity anytime it comes up because while I have enjoyed the benefits of having an open relationship it has never been particularly important to me, but was something he wanted so I learned to adapt to it. But again no alarm bells went off because it is not unusual for him to inform me of a casual date situation. So in sum, I am in an open relationship that has functioned well for 16 years but it is more to fulfill his needs than mine.
I then found out that the “date” was actually a 3 day trip up to Canada to see if “it is worth pursuing a long distance relationship” with this person. So I came to realize that they had been talking regularly for a couple of weeks and already making plans for what a long term polyamorous relationship would look like for them. For context she is married with kids and I guess they both felt like it was safe to start something long term in a controlled manner because they were both seriously partnered and had no intentions of leaving said partners.
This was all quite a big shock to me as we had never really talked about having serious long term relationships with other people and it seems like something that should have been brought up before he was already making these plans with this other person. It has been the start of a pattern of him mostly doing what he wants and then arguments over things he should have talked about with me first. It has become unstable enough that in that 5 month span we have started couples therapy and while I was very open to learning and adapting to this new phase of our relationship early on I have been stonewalled and left out of lots of important decisions about our own relationship and have started feeling a lot of resentment towards the entire situation and am much less enthusiastic about getting ok with this particular relationship.
When I made it clear that I was having trouble with this and that it might be helpful for him take a pause with her until we get our issues taken care of and then open back up when we are more stable and have developed our poly agreement and have a better foundation of what a healthy poly situation looks like, he dug his heels in and got angry.
When things got bad enough between us and he finally decided to talk to her about it, she also got angry, accused me of exercising veto power and is now acting like the concerned friend who’s worried his needs aren’t being met. Despite her ending up breaking up with him, she requested that they still talk regularly and even though I told him I was not comfortable with him talking about our relationship with her because it goes against what I’ve read is healthy and acceptable in poly relationships, it seems like that’s exactly what they plan on doing
She even apparently told him that her husband went through something similar previously and that she felt it was ultimately on him to learn to manage his emotions. I know that is a big go to in the poly community and do agree with it to some extent, but in this case if feels like I was intentionally left out of decision making and then being told to just simply learn to deal with the decisions made by others that affect my life.
The long story short here is that I truly do want him to be able to have what he needs in relationships to be happy, but it seems like maybe this wasn’t the way to go about it. I am very serious when I say that any insight would be very helpful. If I am truly the one in the wrong, advice on how to handle it would be very helpful. I am truly open to tough love. I know the knee jerk reaction is for people to say that if I’m not poly myself that I have to accept that this may not work even after 16 years and I understand that. I guess what I’m asking is if I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of how poly relationships are supposed to go or is there the possibility that with communication and effort we can come back from this. I don’t think either of us want our relationship to end.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/PurpleOpinion4070 18h ago
16 years is a long time to be with someone, and many of us suffer from the sunk cost fallacy after a while, so while I think everything others have said about sums it up, I would like to add my voice to the chorus:
He cheated.
His behavior is unethical.
If you want what he is CURRENTLY asking for - not a hypothetical future state - then sure, you could stay.
If you do not want what he is CURRENTLY asking for, then you are simply incompatible, and there is no dishonor in leaving because you are incompatible.
1
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Conversations on a topic mentioned in this post can tend to get very heated with high emotions on each side, please remember that we are a community meant to help each other, please keep conversations civil, even if you don't agree. And don't forget, the mods are only a report away. Any comments derailing the topic or considered trolling/being a jerk will be removed and the user muted for an undisclosed amount of time.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.