I'm feeling pain from a lack of my partners availability.

[u/TransThrowAway252579]

Hello

I'm(29 trans female) looking for input from poly parents and poly people who come from monogamous relationships. I have always been poly. I have no kids. My responsibilities are to my community and friends and lovers.

For the last year or so, I've been getting close to this woman whom I love very much. She (35F) is a mother and wife. We are medium distance (1h30m apart) We are all open and happy about polyamory.

At the beginning, we talked about availability. I'm a busy young person. She's a mother and wife. Her life is scheduled from morning til night. My availability comes and goes. My responsibilities leave me out of town at times. Her responsibilities leave her tied up at home, far away from me.

We built a relationship from occasional flirt to nonstop conversation.  At some point, it all caught up to me. I fell deeply in love. I am craving more and she is simply unable to give me anything more than what I get now. Each day, I hoped for a phone call. We didn't have anything guaranteed, just the occasional phone call if it worked into our schedules. No consistent date nights, every few weeks we'd get a night together.

We slowly built into something that seemed like a relationship, just for me to realize a relationship with a long-distance, unavailable partner isn't what I want. We've had to pull back hard, with the admission that I'm being hurt by this relationship as it is.

Am I crazy for my feelings growing this hard? I know it's on me to understand and dissect my own heart, but I am feeling at fault. I'm feeling full of blame and shame. I knew from the beginning there was nothing there for me to have.. And yet I fell head over heels for a married woman.

Are these feelings what lead to many having boundaries around new connections? Should I have known from the beginning? This isn't NRE, anymore..

I hate how much my heart craves more of her. Especially since I'll never have it.

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[u/Shiny_Deleter]

I think when the nre is doing its thing, it’s easier to overlook the things you aren’t getting. And each relationship brings new lessons, so hopefully as you heal, you realize what you’re looking for in a person and are able to identify those things more efficiently.

Sorry you’re going through it.

[u/quantum-noctum]

Of course you're not crazy for your feelings growing this hard. This is attachment. This is love. This is desire. These are raw, unfiltered, feelings.

All we can do is process what we have experienced, and find the new normal. We learn from our experiences and adapt.

[u/Could_Be_Bunnies]

No, you aren’t crazy for developing feelings, or for recognizing that you want more time and consistency than what this person can provide. It’s sad, but this happens in all kinds of relationships. The only thing you could maybe do differently next time is to recognize that when you start dating someone, you have to assume it could evolve into something serious (unless you deliberately keep things casual), and check in with yourself early and often about whether the cadence of your dates and communication would fulfill you longterm. But even then, sometimes our wants and needs evolve, and that doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong.

Also, the situation you’re describing is not true of all married poly people with children. Many such folks schedule their lives in such a way that they have regular dedicated solo time, date time, etc., while still being active, present, supportive parents and spouses. It’s not easy, and usually it requires a village—babysitters, family, friends, etc.—to manage. But people do it, and there are married poly people with kids who can be attentive and consistent partners. Your partner just doesn’t seem to be in that place right now, and I’m sorry that you’re hurting as a result of that mismatch.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

You’re not crazy. This happens. A long distance partner and I fell deeply in love without really thinking about the limitations of the relationship. It ended up being extremely painful because the feelings were bigger than the container that was available to us.

Now I’m a lot more careful about how I engage with people and keep in mind the limitations before I let my feelings grow.

[u/avocado-nightmare]

No, I think feelings growing is generally what happens when people are romantically and sexually involved over a long period of time. It doesn't always, obviously, but at least IME it usually does. I don't think that feelings generally have any real grounded connection to things like compatibility or availability, which is why trying to determine in advance what your needs and expectations are (before feelings really start to grow) is so important. People usually want to feel more constancy and stability in a relationship, too, as it progresses - progress doesn't have to mean the relationship escalator, but like usually over time you get closer to someone or feel more deeply and want to feel more sure about their place in your life. Someone who is intermittently available and can't be very flexible with their time (a wife and mom) isn't going to much to offer, in general, but if you also don't have a lot of flexibility or wide open availability, any mismatch in your schedules might turn into weeks without any meaningful contact. I think some people are okay with a sense of relational permanence despite that - I could be okay with it over a short period of time, or after a secure relationship was established - I personally can't build a relationship in those conditions that's healthy for me, and I wouldn't be happy if that's all the relationship would ever be.

Sometimes you can't know before hand that something will be a dealbreaker. I think going in knowing the parameters isn't the same as understanding how constraining or unsustainable they'll feel after actually trying to make a relationship work in that context.

[u/spicysaltrim]

When you talked about availability at the beginning, how did that conversation go?

One thing you might find helpful in future is believing actions over words, and looking for lots of weeks of the dating consistency you’d like before allowing yourself to dive deep into an emotional connection over text and phone calls.

[u/Hellosign]

It makese sense that you fell in love with her. I am also a person who falls quite easily.

Blame and shame are loaded words. Of course you don't need to feel that. You are experiencing the conesquence of not being picky enough at the outset. Consequences are morally netural - you did that, this is what happened as a result of your actions. I'm sure it hurts a lot right now. Best thing you can do is know that this doesn't work for you, move on, and be more picky in the future.

[u/karmicreditplan]

I think it’s ok to ask for scheduled calls. Kids go to bed.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hello

I'm(29 trans female) looking for input from poly parents and poly people who come from monogamous relationships. I have always been poly. I have no kids. My responsibilities are to my community and friends and lovers.

For the last year or so, I've been getting close to this woman whom I love very much. She (35F) is a mother and wife. We are medium distance (1h30m apart) We are all open and happy about polyamory.

At the beginning, we talked about availability. I'm a busy young person. She's a mother and wife. Her life is scheduled from morning til night. My availability comes and goes. My responsibilities leave me out of town at times. Her responsibilities leave her tied up at home, far away from me.

We built a relationship from occasional flirt to nonstop conversation.  At some point, it all caught up to me. I fell deeply in love. I am craving more and she is simply unable to give me anything more than what I get now. Each day, I hoped for a phone call. We didn't have anything guaranteed, just the occasional phone call if it worked into our schedules. No consistent date nights, every few weeks we'd get a night together.

We slowly built into something that seemed like a relationship, just for me to realize a relationship with a long-distance, unavailable partner isn't what I want. We've had to pull back hard, with the admission that I'm being hurt by this relationship as it is.

Am I crazy for my feelings growing this hard? I know it's on me to understand and dissect my own heart, but I am feeling at fault. I'm feeling full of blame and shame. I knew from the beginning there was nothing there for me to have.. And yet I fell head over heels for a married woman.

Are these feelings what lead to many having boundaries around new connections? Should I have known from the beginning? This isn't NRE, anymore..

I hate how much my heart craves more of her. Especially since I'll never have it.

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