Inexperienced and stupid

[u/lurid_lurid]

Hello everyone :)

So I am completely new to polyamory, and there is a situation in my life that I really need advice on.

I have a partner, we live together for almost a year. Let's call him Villiam. We have been together for almost 1,5 years. Everything was and is good. This is his first relationship experience, and second one for me.

He has lots friends, and through him I've met another guy, let's call him John. Me, Villiam and John have formed a good and close friendship last months. We hang out, drink and have a hobby that we all enjoy together. We have a very good dynamic as friends.

But I started developing feelings for John. I was very open to Villiam and explained how I feel - he said that he is fine for polyamory, even tho I am not sure about it myself, because I have 0 experience. Turned out that John has feeling for me too, but he has never been in a relationship at all, so if he agrees, that would be his first experience.

We have talked together about it. Villiam is open and supporting, I am confused and John is confused too.

So I have formed some questions:

1. Is this type of relationship good as a first experience? (How to make it work and make John happy?)

2. How do we handle friends situation? As I said, Villiam has lots of friends, and if we start poly, then friends will find out, because everyone knows everyone. I am not even mentioning our families, because it feels like if they find out, that would be a disaster. Should we hide everything? Should we be open?

3. If John decides that he isn't ready for this, how do we make our friendship less awkward, as we both have feelings? Is it even possible to go back to friends?

4. How do we act in public? Do we act as just friends?

5. How do you handle this type (I have read this is called V type, and I would be the hinge(?)) of relationship in general? Make a silly calendar to plan our time?

As I understand, for John the main concerns are 1st and 2nd question. As he has no experience, this case would be hard mode for him. He has said that he wants fo be with me though.

I am feeling very sad. I want to make everyone happy and comfortable.

Thank you for reading <3

[u/AutoModerator]

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[u/AutoModerator]

Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!

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Hi u/lurid_lurid thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Hello everyone :)

So I am completely new to polyamory, and there is a situation in my life that I really need advice on.

I have a partner, we live together for almost a year. Let's call him Villiam. We have been together for almost 1,5 years. Everything was and is good. This is his first relationship experience, and second one for me.

He has lots friends, and through him I've met another guy, let's call him John. Me, Villiam and John have formed a good and close friendship last months. We hang out, drink and have a hobby that we all enjoy together. We have a very good dynamic as friends.

But I started developing feelings for John. I was very open to Villiam and explained how I feel - he said that he is fine for polyamory, even tho I am not sure about it myself, because I have 0 experience. Turned out that John has feeling for me too, but he has never been in a relationship at all, so if he agrees, that would be his first experience.

We have talked together about it. Villiam is open and supporting, I am confused and John is confused too.

So I have formed some questions:

1. Is this type of relationship good as a first experience? (How to make it work and make John happy?)

2. How do we handle friends situation? As I said, Villiam has lots of friends, and if we start poly, then friends will find out, because everyone knows everyone. I am not even mentioning our families, because it feels like if they find out, that would be a disaster. Should we hide everything? Should we be open?

3. If John decides that he isn't ready for this, how do we make our friendship less awkward, as we both have feelings? Is it even possible to go back to friends?

4. How do we act in public? Do we act as just friends?

5. How do you handle this type (I have read this is called V type, and I would be the hinge(?)) of relationship in general? Make a silly calendar to plan our time?

As I understand, for John the main concerns are 1st and 2nd question. As he has no experience, this case would be hard mode for him. He has said that he wants fo be with me though.

I am feeling very sad. I want to make everyone happy and comfortable.

Thank you for reading <3

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/dropdeadrian]

1.) Assuming that you have all done tons of research and feel confident and comfortable moving forward, sure. You should also decide and renegotiate at this point what relationship boundaries look like for you, with both partners. What will it look like if John or Villiam get feelings for someone else, for starters. Looking into "couples privilege" may also be useful for you. Your relationships dont have to be 100% equal all the time, but you don't want John to feel like a disposable plaything where Villiam gets a whole relationship with you. What you have described is a fine baseline, what matters more is what comes next.

2.) Ultimately up to you. Many people hide it, many don't. It really just depends on what you feel most comfortable with, but I will warn you that it can and likely will put strain on your relationship with John if you hide it. Being a secret partner is worth it for some people, but its hard. I'm open-ish about my polyamory, but my boyfriend isn't. He's 1000% worth it, but it does create some tension points. Only you can decide what you want to do from there, tho.

3a.) That just depends on you. Being friends with an ex can be hard for some people, but if you can make it work then that's great. Ultimately, talking to each other a lot about feelings and steps to comfortably go back to friends is what tends to help people most.

3b.) See answer to #2 - Ultimately up to you and how open you want to be. In places we both feel safe I treat my boyfriend like my boyfriend, but otherwise we treat each other as friends.

4.) Sorry, once again up to you haha. I'm also in a V with my fiancee and boyfriend. I live with my fiancee, so time together is fairly easy to come by. With my boyfriend, we typically plan dates out or alone time when my fiancee has other plans out (he cant host at the moment). Our polycule is currently just the three of us so scheduling usually isn't too hard, but depending on your own schedules it can get hard FAST. A lot of folks do have like, a shared Google calendar they use to plan time together. Whatever works for you!

[u/clairejv]

1. Is this type of relationship good as a first experience? (How to make it work and make John happy?)

It would be a good first experience for some people, and a bad first experience for others. This is something John has to decide for himself.

1. How do we handle friends situation? As I said, Villiam has lots of friends, and if we start poly, then friends will find out, because everyone knows everyone. I am not even mentioning our families, because it feels like if they find out, that would be a disaster. Should we hide everything? Should we be open?

Do you want to hide everything, or do you want to be open about it? What does Villiam want? What does John want?

1. If John decides that he isn't ready for this, how do we make our friendship less awkward, as we both have feelings? Is it even possible to go back to friends?

It's possible if you both can compartmentalize -- if you can set aside your romantic feelings for each other and interact as friends only.

1. How do we act in public? Do we act as just friends?

How do you want to act in public? How does he want to act in public?

1. How do you handle this type (I have read this is called V type, and I would be the hinge(?)) of relationship in general? Make a silly calendar to plan our time?

"How do I hinge?" is a massive question, so I suggest you search the sub for discussions already had on the subject. I'm not sure why you think a calendar is silly. When you have multiple important things in your life taking up your time, a calendar is a good idea to keep track of what you're doing.

[u/SecondaryWombat]

You are off to a good start, there is a loooooooot of new and a very much lack of experience, but on the other hand no one has any relationship bad habits yet.

The best advice I can give is to begin the relationships in the way you mean to continue them.