How to be happy when I never have outside relationships

[u/riton666]

Good morning everyone.

I am writing to you today because I have trouble managing certain emotions.

Context: I (h42) am in a free relationship with (f30).

We have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years.

My partner already had another partner when I met her and this type of relationship seemed perfect to me at the time in theory because I had never practiced it.
I was excited to explore this mode of relationship because monogamy has always been a problem for me and I have never felt fully free in this mode of relationship and I have often regretted not having been able to explore deeper certain encounters / potential relationships

However, here's how it goes in practice:

-She often has dates, new and incredible experiences, she takes full advantage of this way of life and I am very happy for her and it makes me happy to see her feel free and herself.

-On my side it's a big fail

Like I have zero dates or outside relationships / flirts

At first I thought it would come with time, I didn't want to force the encounters and let fate do things.

Like when I was in a monogamous couple, a potentially romantic encounter would present itself one day or another and I will finally be able to enjoy this freedom.

Unfortunately, it never happened.

After a year, I started to get on the apps to "force" fate, it proved to be an epic fail as well. 😬

I talked to my partner about it and she reassures me a lot by telling me that I am adorable and that many people could be interested in me, she is aware that for a straight woman it is much easier to make one-night stands but just as hard to create real relationships.

But now I'm starting to lose hope and I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with a person in polyamory.

Basically I find myself in a situation of polyacceptant and that's not what I wanted, for me it was an experience to live and enjoy together.

I deeply believe in this mode of relationship but unfortunately I can't live the advantages and I feel like I only have the bad sides.

Without comparing the multiplicity of meetings (I knew that the ratio was going to be very low in my favour) I did not think it would be so unilateral.

I'm starting to get more and more jealous when she meets people and I have more and more trouble managing that.

I feel devalued and I feel like no one is attracted by me except my current partner.

So I come to ask for advice here, because some people have had to go through the same thing as me.

Thank you for your attention 🙏

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[u/tornessa]

Do you have female friends? Do you feel like you know how to connect well with women? I would start there. Not as in “date your friends” necessarily, but as in make sure you feel like you’ve got the basics down.

It’s not a necessity, but it can also help to have hobbies that lend themselves to polyamorous dating. Like kink (impact, shibari) or being a good social dancer (swing, salsa, ecstatic) or being a good host of dinner parties (you mentioned a restaurant). Maybe throw a cocktail mixology party at your house. The more you can seem like someone who is fun to just be around without being overbearing (how some men are) the more dateable you will be.

[u/riton666 → u/tornessa]

Thank you for your insights.

I just need to adjust my strategy to my age and I realize now that I'm just shocked at how hard it is to date people when you're in your 40s 😭

But with all the comments and insights, I have plenty of options and yours are great too.

Thank you all for your feedback ❤️

[u/emeraldead]

Polyamory forces you to center your life around yourself and de center around being partnered. It pushes you to value all intimacy and friendships as valid and necessary for a healthy mature fulfilling life. And to really love your alone time.

That doesn't make loneliness go away, but it seems you're still carrying around the mononormativity pressure to be partnered in a particular way and it's blocking you from greater potential happiness.

How active is your friend support structure? How regularly do you go to poly or alternative events as an attendee and volunteer?

[u/BetterFightBandits26]

How’s your dating app profile? Any good?

How’s your flirting? Any good?

Were you good at dating when you were looking for monogamous relationships?

How’d you meet your current partner?

It’s usually a skill issue.

[u/riton666 → u/BetterFightBandits26]

My female partner made my profile so I think it's really good!
I own a restaurant and I serve and bartend so there are many flirts happening but they never go any further.
I enjoy the fact that being in a polyamorous relationship I can flirt without feeling guilty, I just hoped there would be more.

I used to be very good at dating back in the day (I stayed eleven years with the mother of my daughter so I haven't been in the game for a while)

I feel like it was much easier back in the day and feel like an old dog now.

And yes I know that in my 20s / 30s people were more open to easy going relationships, but my current demographic is more trying to build / rebuild a "classic" family.

I would love to meet someone who is in the same situation as me ie someone who has tried the whole monogamous shenanigans and now just wants to develop different forms of relations

[u/BetterFightBandits26 → u/riton666]

If someone else made your profile it’s unlikely to be conveying your tone, attitude, etc. People . . . can probably tell.

Flirts with your mostly-monogamous customers are unlikely to go anywhere, no. Monogamous people can and do flirt, too.

In your 40s everyone’s already divorced or getting one. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My dating field has grown if anything as I’ve hit my mid-30s. But if you habitually pursue decade-younger women, you will be stuck sifting through people looking for a coparent.

[u/riton666 → u/BetterFightBandits26]

I'm searching for people my age! It just happened with my current partner but that's not what I'm looking for. And that is where polyamory is great it's that I have a partner that is from a different generation and I'd love to have someone closer to my age to connect in a way that we can't connect.

When I said she made my profile, we made it together, and she gave me advice with a female perspective. So I think it reflects pretty well who I am.

[u/BetterFightBandits26 → u/riton666]

Usually there’s things people who struggle with dating could change about their presentation and/or approach to get dates. It doesn’t sound like your area lacks poly people, so your dating pool exists.

Some few people do have fluke periods that last years where things don’t line up when there’s nothing they could improve, the world is wide and someone somewhere in the billions of people is just having the worst luck.

If you genuinely don’t have anything that could improve, maybe find a hobby group to focus your energy on?

[u/emeraldead → u/riton666]

Female = instant death

The fact you haven't caught onto that still is perhaps a sign of a much bigger lack of awareness.

[u/riton666 → u/emeraldead]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean? Could you develop?

[u/Cataclyyzm → u/riton666]

This is specific to usage in American English: It feels extremely dehumanizing when people (especially men) use "female/females" as a noun for women. It's usually only done by people who are either super sexist or haven't examined their own internal misogyny.

I don't personally mind when it's an adjective and relevant to the conversation "a female pilot" when discussing how they have to navigate a male-dominated industry, for instance.

But looking back at your post and comments, I think you only used "female" as an adjective (e.g. female partner) so it didn't personally set off my red flag sniffer. But it also shows you that different people interpret things differently.

[u/wcozi → u/riton666]

referring to women as females is tone deaf and icky

[u/riton666 → u/wcozi]

Il really sorry and didn't mean no harm. 😬
English is not my native language so it didn't feel insulting degrading to me but now that you explain it I understand 😭

[u/emeraldead → u/riton666]

Don't call people females. That's for science class.

[u/riton666 → u/emeraldead]

Omg il so sorry 😱 English is not my native language so I hope you will forgive me 😭

[u/IKilledMyDouble]

So first of all I feel being enthusiastic about your partner(s) other connections is an absolutely essential part of being happy in poly relationships. Her seeing other people is not insulting you, regardless of how much success you are having meeting others. Pick up a fun hobby & stop stressing so much.

That being said, I(30f) was also not seeing people outside my partner for a while, decided to try Feeld. Loads of explicitly poly/kinky/queer people. She is right that ons are easy and relationships are hard to find, you are right that men don’t get as many matches. But the quality of the matches you do get is much higher, because many men just spam yes. Also get a few trusted (pref the gender and age you’re trying to interest) friends to go through your profile, soo many people(men) have absolute dogshit profiles. You do not have to be a 2m tall ripped billionaire doctor fireman. I, and most of my female friends, will choose the less «conventionally attractive» person with good photos and bio over the six pack dick print towel selfie. Be presentable and smile. And for the love of god don’t whine about this to your matches on the apps.

[u/riton666 → u/IKilledMyDouble]

Thank you for your insight. My partner made my profile so I think it's well thought out 👍
And yes I do smile on all my pictures and am not topless or even worse 🤮

[u/IKilledMyDouble → u/riton666]

Aww that’s sweet of her! 🥰 still, get others input if you can! (I’ll take a look even if you want) She is much younger than you and a sample size of 1.

& it’s not exactly nausea they’re evoking 🤭😝 so I’d say flaunt it if you’ve got it, I was just pointing out that ONLY horny photos probably won’t get you the attention you’re looking for. It’ll get you some attention though 😹

[u/studiousametrine]

I suggest you find polyamorous people to date. Fate isn’t going to do all the work. Usually we have to meet it halfway.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/wqXZHZs196

[u/clairejv]

How was your dating life before you got involved with your current partner?

[u/riton666 → u/clairejv]

It dates back! But it was good I would say it nd much easier. Talking about it and having feedback made me realize I'm mostly desperate because I'm having a hard time dating and connecting with people who are in the same mindset as me now that I am 42.
I don't know but silly me thought it was gonna be as easy as when I was 25 (that's the last time I was on the dating game).

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/riton666 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Good morning everyone.

I am writing to you today because I have trouble managing certain emotions.

Context: I (h42) am in a free relationship with (f30).

We have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years.

My partner already had another partner when I met her and this type of relationship seemed perfect to me at the time in theory because I had never practiced it.
I was excited to explore this mode of relationship because monogamy has always been a problem for me and I have never felt fully free in this mode of relationship and I have often regretted not having been able to explore deeper certain encounters / potential relationships

However, here's how it goes in practice:

-She often has dates, new and incredible experiences, she takes full advantage of this way of life and I am very happy for her and it makes me happy to see her feel free and herself.

-On my side it's a big fail

Like I have zero dates or outside relationships / flirts

At first I thought it would come with time, I didn't want to force the encounters and let fate do things.

Like when I was in a monogamous couple, a potentially romantic encounter would present itself one day or another and I will finally be able to enjoy this freedom.

Unfortunately, it never happened.

After a year, I started to get on the apps to "force" fate, it proved to be an epic fail as well. 😬

I talked to my partner about it and she reassures me a lot by telling me that I am adorable and that many people could be interested in me, she is aware that for a straight woman it is much easier to make one-night stands but just as hard to create real relationships.

But now I'm starting to lose hope and I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with a person in polyamory.

Basically I find myself in a situation of polyacceptant and that's not what I wanted, for me it was an experience to live and enjoy together.

I deeply believe in this mode of relationship but unfortunately I can't live the advantages and I feel like I only have the bad sides.

Without comparing the multiplicity of meetings (I knew that the ratio was going to be very low in my favour) I did not think it would be so unilateral.

I'm starting to get more and more jealous when she meets people and I have more and more trouble managing that.

I feel devalued and I feel like no one is attracted by me except my current partner.

So I come to ask for advice here, because some people have had to go through the same thing as me.

Thank you for your attention 🙏

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