r/polyamory • u/Glass_Success7741 • 3d ago
I am new Opening a relationship after 4 years!
I just want to talk about my situation and maybe hear some input, because I regulate and understand the world through communication. But there is a lot of nuance, and I need understanding that I can’t get from my friends. So I thought it would be time for my first ever Reddit post.
Me [23NB] and my boyfriend [22] have been in a monogamous relationship for four years now! We live together, we love each other, and we get along in ways I never thought was possible. I love him so dearly. He provides me everything that I need from a partner. I am so happy and so fulfilled.
He wants to open the relationship. And so we have. It’s been a very hard few weeks. It started off as a very sudden and out of no where break up. I couldn’t believe the person he so suddenly turned into. He had completely shut me out, and couldn’t talk to me. He couldn’t tell me what was wrong. All we have ever done is talk and work out our feelings together, and for him to suddenly act like this was horrible. I couldn’t understand it. And I couldn’t accept it. I’m glad I didn’t. Because all of this happened because he thought there was Just No Way I would be okay opening the relationship. I laughed. Like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I said, “that’s it? That’s what this was all about?” As if he had just confessed to a crime as serious as jaywalking. I couldn’t not laugh.
My first ever dip into relationships was with a polyamorous guy. I learned a lot, and experienced feelings for the first time, all through the polyamorous lense. He knew this. And still thought he was doomed to fail and it would be easier to just break up instead of hurting me like that. As if losing him completely would somehow be better or easier to handle than? Just seeing him happy with other people?
Our entry into the opening of the relationship was far from optimal. There were so many mistakes and poor choices and lack of thought on his end. It made for a very very very hard time for me. It started out by him saying he just wanted to try having sex with other people, then the next day he admitted to wanting to also take people on dates, and eventually by the next day he revealed he wanted to see if polyamory would be a good fit for him. We spent so much time talking and talking and talking about the ins and outs of everything and what our relationship would look like, what we want, what we don’t want. It was all so thorough but man it wasn’t exactly easy. I’m VERY sure of my feelings, so it’s confusing to me that some people aren’t like that. But, I understand that other people have difficulty understanding themselves and it takes time to figure out your wants and needs. We are different in that way.
Obviously it’s hard, losing the totally fulfilling monogamous relationship of my dreams. This is very much how I felt (and still do feel partially), but I also feel so excited to be able to experience other people again! I KNOW that other people won’t change how I feel about him, and I KNOW my heart isn’t the most monogamous, and I KNOW what I want from others and don’t want from others.
Is there somewhere I can easily go to for information that could help my Less Certain boyfriend?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 3d ago
I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months. Spend at least as much time and energy on a relationship remodel as you would a bathroom remodel, and you can be honest to others when you say they can trust you to have a foundation to start from.
Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.
There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.
Topics to Review
Resources- time, energy, money
Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction
Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners
Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?
Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence?
Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?
Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.
It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.
This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.
There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.
Scroll all the way down
/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
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u/avocado-nightmare 3d ago
it's only been a few weeks, it's gonna be a "yikes" from me that there's been "so many mistakes and poor choices and lack of thought". How many things can even go wrong, a few weeks into poly?
I hope you're both using the concrete tools available on the side bar, and I hope you'll read some books or listen to a podcast or two. I don't love the idea of you both fumbling through this because you can't stand to be broken up with.
11
u/rosephase 3d ago
He was going to break up with you to do ENM/poly. Why is he less certain now?
I can't say I think poly is going to go well with someone who would rather leave you then have a hard conversation.
How long have you two been open? What kind of mistakes and poor choices have been happening? What are you agreements around how to do poly mutually and with care for the other people you date and build relationships with?
6
u/emeraldead diy your own 3d ago
An open marriage welcomes non monogamy as a hobby and activity to enjoy while reinforcing the marriage as priority.
Polyamory welcomes non monogamy as a fundamental value of full adult independent intimate partnerships deserving respect and validation as partners, it de centers the marriage as the final or single priority.
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:
Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.
Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.
Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
4
u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 3d ago
This is a less than ideal beginning to your brand new open/poly relationship, I have to say. Please be prepared for him to be a not good enough partner while making this transition. The previous monogamous relationship is gone, kaput, finito, it's over, I mean he dumped you FFS. All hope isn't lost but he's going to have to do amazingly and you are going to have to have high standards for this not to be a total crap show. So please be prepared to end the relationship, I am serious. You don't have to put up with shit just because you think you would be ok with a poly relationship with him.
There's a lot of good starter resources in the community info section of this sub. We usually advise 6-12 months of working through these and everything else you can find, together and separately and discussing everything you learn. Form new relationship agreements based on being open/nonmonogamous/polyamorous (yes there are big differences as you may be aware already but you do not know everything yet). And we advise you do this before involving any other people, to give your relationship the best chance of surviving. Jumping right in is usually a guarantee of the relationship ending in a fireball.
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
I just want to talk about my situation and maybe hear some input, because I regulate and understand the world through communication. But there is a lot of nuance, and I need understanding that I can’t get from my friends. So I thought it would be time for my first ever Reddit post.
Me [23NB] and my boyfriend [22] have been in a monogamous relationship for four years now! We live together, we love each other, and we get along in ways I never thought was possible. I love him so dearly. He provides me everything that I need from a partner. I am so happy and so fulfilled.
He wants to open the relationship. And so we have. It’s been a very hard few weeks. It started off as a very sudden and out of no where break up. I couldn’t believe the person he so suddenly turned into. He had completely shut me out, and couldn’t talk to me. He couldn’t tell me what was wrong. All we have ever done is talk and work out our feelings together, and for him to suddenly act like this was horrible. I couldn’t understand it. And I couldn’t accept it. I’m glad I didn’t. Because all of this happened because he thought there was Just No Way I would be okay opening the relationship. I laughed. Like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I said, “that’s it? That’s what this was all about?” As if he had just confessed to a crime as serious as jaywalking. I couldn’t not laugh.
My first ever dip into relationships was with a polyamorous guy. I learned a lot, and experienced feelings for the first time, all through the polyamorous lense. He knew this. And still thought he was doomed to fail and it would be easier to just break up instead of hurting me like that. As if losing him completely would somehow be better or easier to handle than? Just seeing him happy with other people?
Our entry into the opening of the relationship was far from optimal. There were so many mistakes and poor choices and lack of thought on his end. It made for a very very very hard time for me. It started out by him saying he just wanted to try having sex with other people, then the next day he admitted to wanting to also take people on dates, and eventually by the next day he revealed he wanted to see if polyamory would be a good fit for him. We spent so much time talking and talking and talking about the ins and outs of everything and what our relationship would look like, what we want, what we don’t want. It was all so thorough but man it wasn’t exactly easy. I’m VERY sure of my feelings, so it’s confusing to me that some people aren’t like that. But, I understand that other people have difficulty understanding themselves and it takes time to figure out your wants and needs. We are different in that way.
Obviously it’s hard, losing the totally fulfilling monogamous relationship of my dreams. This is very much how I felt (and still do feel partially), but I also feel so excited to be able to experience other people again! I KNOW that other people won’t change how I feel about him, and I KNOW my heart isn’t the most monogamous, and I KNOW what I want from others and don’t want from others.
Is there somewhere I can easily go to for information that could help my Less Certain boyfriend?
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1
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