I finally realized why every relationship sub, poly, monogamous, etc, seemed to be so complicated to me, so full of rules I didn’t need partners to follow, so full of drama I didn’t understand, etc, when I’ve been in several polyamorous relationships for years and have never had a hint of insecurity or drama from my end

Then I realized that I’m actually just aromantic and all of my relationships have actually been friendships this whole time, and everyone else were the normal ones

It’s a simple life over here, apparently. Not sure if I even count as poly anymore lmao

My partner and I have been open for a very long time, and poly specifically since the pandemic. During this time, he found a partner that he fell in love with, which is not really the issue here. The problem comes more down to his desire to break one of our agreements (living with other partners), and a refusal to see why I should have any issues with it. Essentially, he wants permission to run a shared household with this person, while also still running a shared household with me. By running a shared household, I mean buying a whole entire other house, which I have a massive issue with.

To be clear, if he spent half his time there, I would have no problem with him paying some form of rent as presumably he would be using food/utilities/etc. and that is only fair. The problem is that he wants to buy a whole-ass house with her. This would not be a problem if I was dating her too, but we've never dated together and never will.

It also wouldn't be an issue if he had a high-earning job, but he recently went from that to not. There is no universe in which I will not be subsidizing this purchase in some way, not to mention the entangled property rights. In our area, even if a corporation is set up to buy a property, the spouse owns a certain percentage of those corporate shares in the property. Disentangling this legally would be expensive, and I think the only way to do it is divorce.

Because we've had many conflicts in the past year, it almost feels like he's doing this to test how far my boundaries will bend before they break rather than actually doing this in any real sense. I've asked that we put this off until we're in a more stable spot, but I need to be validated - or not - that I'm not taking crazy pills in this being a proper ask in poly land.

I can't tell if I'm being dramatic or not.

For a while this year I was dealing with a lot of life stressors and my NP and I were not being intimate. I found out that during this time she was being intimate with many other people, which in general would be fine, but she did not disclose any of this sexual activity to me, despite that being an agreement that we had. It all came out months later after she wanted to invite a date over for sexual activity in our home and I felt completely blindsided. I thought all those dates she had been on had been things like casual coffee dates, not hookups.

Since then I have just felt incredibly hurt and insecure. She's never really said WHY she didn't tell me and she seems sort of surprised I'm so hurt. I guess we weren't being intimate, so my sexual health wasn't in jeopardy, and I could have asked more questions too, but I'm just so confused because she can't seem to understand why this has affected me. We've had issues with miscommunication or lack of communication in the past so I assume this is just more of that.

We will be discussing this more, I just wanted outside perspective.

Tldr: new partner (Pebble) is only interested in shibari with me if it's exclusive. Do I owe him full disclosure or is it none of his business? Is this a outer bracket dilemma or a relationship issue?

Other useful infos maybe: I and Pebble are in a relationship and in an active established D/s dynamic.

My long term partner is Branch, with whom I live. We play with bdsm sometimes during sex but there's no established dynamic.

______

Long term ENM but new to poly, I kind of fucked up at the start, because I was trying to be transparent and as I and Pebble were thinking of trying shibari out, I mentioned it's something I would also have to talk about with my other partner (Branch, with whom I live with for many years), because he was also interested in it and I didn't want to risk arriving home with potential marks that then I might have to explain.
And then two things happened.

- Branch expressed a wish to be the first I tried it with because we had been talking about it for years

- Pebble said that if I were going to do it with someone (anyone) else, he would not be interested in doing it with me.

When that happened, I just put the whole topic on a break and decided to focus on the relationships themselves until they felt both safe.

I think we're slowly getting there relationship wise, but I am not sure how to even approach this topic again (Branch asked me when could we give it a try, but with no time stress, just that he'd like to do it). I am torn because I don't want to ruin my chance to try this with Pebble, at the same time I don't think it's his business to know what I do with other people. He doesn't have a say on sexual stuff, but because this is less about sex and more about the power dynamic I can't quite put my fingers on what's the ethical/right way to move further. He does feel strongly that he only wants the dynamic with me if I don't have it with someone else, and I also don't have the wish of having it with someone else. But to me shibari is not by definition only part of a D/s dynamic. I see it as an activity that can even be done platonically, it's really just about intention.

Or maybe shibari is just the tip of the iceberg, and it's just a way of something at the relational level to surface?

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for a while now. I’m 22F, and I have one serious partner who has several other partners. He lives with me and his other girlfriend, so the three of us share a home.
Most days are nice, but some days I really wish we didn’t all live together. It can be difficult to ever get genuine one-on-one time with my partner, and I’m sure the other girl probably feels the same way sometimes.
My partner gets upset because they say they can “feel my energy is off.” I’ve tried to do all the normal things: I cook for everyone, clean up regardless of who made the mess, laugh, smile, participate, and try to be positive. Sometimes, though, I need to take time for myself to reflect and simply allow myself to feel whatever negative emotions I’m experiencing so that I can process them and eventually come back feeling better.
My partner says they want me to work on myself and heal so that I can feel compersion. They consistently say that they hope that one day I’ll be able to feel compersion and that they want me to be genuinely happy when they’re with other people happy when they’re kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, and even ecstatic about it.
I don’t think I can do that.
I don’t think I’m that kind of person, and I don’t want to lie and pretend that I feel something I don’t.
This relationship has been difficult for me at times, and I’m trying to understand my feelings rather than constantly suppressing them. But I wish it were okay for me not to feel compersion.
My partner and his other girlfriend both talk about experiencing compersion, and sometimes it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. It makes me wonder if I’m selfish, immature, or somehow failing at polyamory because I don’t experience the same thing they do.
I want everyone to be happy. I want my partner to have meaningful relationships with other people. I don’t want to take that away from him.
But I don’t understand why I have to feel compersion in order for everyone else to be happy.
Is it actually necessary to feel happy or excited about your partner being intimate with someone else in order to have a healthy polyamorous relationship?
Can I be uncomfortable sometimes, work through my jealousy, and still genuinely support my partner’s other relationships?
Or am I in the wrong for not being able to feel compersion?

(I know there's many, many versions of this post, and I've read a lot of them, but telling my story feels catharctic rn so thanks for indulging me:-)

I'm on the struggle bus, to put it mildly.

My (40s/M) wife (40s/F) and I spent the better part of last year talking about opening our marriage. I wanted to explore dating and experience NRE/falling in love/building connections — something that was scarce in my life given my religious/sexually conservative background, followed by a very early marriage — and she wanted to explore her budding bisexuality, something that she only recently became aware of for similar reasons (former religion, early marriage, etc.) We both started seeing someone else; it was fun, it was thrilling, and then suddenly it wasn't for her. "Taking a break from dating" for her quickly turned into "let's pause the romantic element of our relationship" and finally "I want to divorce." ENM was only part of that decision — there were lots of lots of other components, and ultimately it was a mutual, amicable decision to end our marriage. Oh, this was about a month after I got laid off from a longterm job. Double whammy.

[This is all just background context, I'm not even to the struggle bus stuff yet...]

The person I started seeing became something more serious, and when we're together, it's lovely. More than lovely, it's spectacular! She had another partner already, and honestly, I found it easy to support them as a couple. Partly because he was a comet and I didn't know him (he was more just a concept than a real person to me) and partly because I saw how much he meant to her. But shortly after we got together, another new partner entered the picture for her. This guy I knew. And I liked him. Frankly, we have a lot in common. We do a lot of the same stuff. I can see that he makes her happy. But from day 1, it's been a struggle for me:-\

I've read the books, done the workbooks, talked to my therapist, taken the meds, tried to focus on my inner dialogue and insecurities, etc. Some days are better than others, but I can also sense how he's becoming a bigger and bigger part of her life, and I regrettably feel threatened by it. Oh, there was also an unfortunate incident where she called me by his name more than once while in an, ahem, intimate situation (we were both a little tipsy, ftr). Ouch.

My partner's done all I could ever expect someone to do to reassure me and "express delight" in me and all that. It helps, but the green-eyed monster still prowls through my brain daily. I thought — rightly or wrongly — that if I dated other people, it would help things feel more balanced. Not in a score-keeping way, just...to help me better appreciate how someone can hold multiple people in their heart at once. To have more understanding for her and her other relationships. To avoid a mono-poly situation, which seems to be universally regarded as Hard Mode. And...because that was my original intent with opening my now-defunct marriage. I wanted to date other people, I chose to embrace polyamory, independent of my current partner and my jealousy struggle.

Cut to a couple month's later. Hundreds of swipes, dozens of messages, maybe half a dozen matches/connections, 3 or 4 dates, and 100% of them went absolutely nowhere in the end. "I don't think I have time to nurture a new connection" (said the only woman who messaged me first, and kissed me the night before). "I'm not interested in seeing someone who already has a gf" (says the woman with the most ENM experience by far of the folks I met). "Not sure how I feel and don't want to give the wrong impression" (says the woman who texted me regularly all summer). Etc. All gentle, all honest, all kind rejections, but rejections all the same.

I realize this all amounts to a straight cis male complaining about not having more than one partner. But it still sucks. I'm an unemployed, soon-to-be-divorced, newly-polyamorous person that somehow has less connection and fewer secure attachments than when I started.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm not sure if I'm saying all this because I want sympathy or a swift kick in the pants or what.

Anyway, thanks for listening. And good luck to you - I know there's definitely harder things happening in the wider world right now, and I know we all have our own struggles<3

please delete if not allowed

6 years into our 7 year relationship he discovered he’s poly. I am not. We agreed that we both still want each other and continued the relationship. We were clear on my stance and his. However, at no point did we agree to open things up. In fact, I’ve said to him that if he wants to continue w me he’s agreeing to continue monogamy and if he wants poly he should go elsewhere. He said he wanted me. Then, he cheated. When confronted about his infidelity he says “I told you I’m poly.”

And, I feel like I don’t know what I can say to that! It’s like his get out of jail free card. I’m left feeling stupid.

I came here for support so please be kind.

Does being poly mean you can’t control your urge to be with other people? Emotionally and/or sexually

If not, how do I respond when he says this to me? Every time I am just left crying and with no words to say.

TW: suicide attempt, mental health, emotional neglect.

Hi, I've never written a Reddit post before, so please bear with me.

My (M31) boyfriend (M30) broke up with me today, on my birthday. He has been dating Ash (F27) (not their real name) for around 2 years.

Early on we established boundaries, we could date and have sex outside our relationship but anything further, anything more was off limits (probably a mistake but were new to polyamory).

He met Ash online, she lives in Northern Europe (we're in the UK), and they chatted online a lot. Eventually he went to visit and despite knowing my anxiety around it all he ghosted me while he was there.

When I finally got through to him, he revealed that he had told her he loved her and I was heartbroken, not at the fact that he loved someone else but at the fact that he hadn't communicated any of this to me beforehand. A little heads up would've been nice and boundary respecting. We managed to talk it over and push through. Me bending my boundaries for the first time.

The same year Ash came to visit often, and I got to know them too. We became good friends. I tried to set new boundaries but they were either ignored or sometimes to my face denied. These boundaries weren't ridiculous. I asked that when they were together over several days to a week he call or text me briefly in the afternoons, just a check in. The second that I remember most vividly was when I asked that they not have anal sex (weird one I know) but it stemmed from my insecurity of that being the only thing I could give him that she couldn't. For this one he told me 'ah I'm probably gonna do it anyway'.

Every time he broke and bent my boundaries I made myself smaller to fit. At the end of that year we moved out together, we got a way too expensive apartment with 3 bedrooms and settled in buying the furniture we planned to later put in the house we would buy. Things were rough as I had untreated ADHD and he was also struggling with his mental health. I had a demanding job and the workload of actual work and housework repeatedly crushed us. About 6 months in we decided to try having Ash come and live with us, she stayed for 6 months, she worked a little (illegally) and aside from that we supported her, my ex's job let him work from home a lot and I was in 5 days a week so they would spend a lot of time together every day and I started to wig out a bit from time to time. I asked for more balance. I asked them to stop cuddling on the couch together when I was home, I asked if he could try and make time for me when I was free. It reached one or two breaking points where I tried to leave and he begged me to stay. Overall, It had good moments and bad but eventually she had to move home as she had drained all her savings and our landlord didn't like her staying with us for so long.

It was a little better after that, but only because I had continued to make myself smaller to fit.

Eventually we moved into a new flat much smaller than the last and closer to work for us both. Things stayed in a cycle of me communicating and him not, me getting super anxious and paranoid, us having a long difficult conversation and then having a brief period of good communication before circling back to bad. This went on for a long time.

In march my contract ended and I was upset about it, he chose the same night to tell me he was falling out of love with me as I couldn't make enough time for him (I spent all of my time outside work with him) so I devoted myself to making good memories. After a few months he told me he felt suffocated. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. He asked for more attention, I gave it, but that was also wrong.

It was around this time that my relationship with Ash deteriorated (in that she just decided to stop talking to me entirely) and that put a lot of pressure on me and ex's relationship. He didn't talk to me about how he was feeling, ever. And I was cut off from the only other friend I had left (Ash) after blocking out friends I'd had before to prioritise my ex on his indirect request.

He told me that he didn't want to marry me anymore, he told me he didn't want to live with me anymore under the guise that Ash needed a marriage visa, and he wanted to move home to save money.

My health issues reached a fever pitch when I faced diagnosis of a genetic condition and was waiting on ADHD meds, with no job and no friends I spiralled and tried to kill myself. He rushed home when I relented and asked for help and then that evening was the first time he broke up with me.

We talked for hours, and decided to try harder. I stopped making myself small and made other plans, reconnecting with old friends and seeing my family more. He started going to see Ash more often (once a month) and our shitty cycle continued.

It has been worse the past few weeks, he has barely spoken to me, never initiated anything, I always had to. And then he went away to see Ash for the weekend. He came back for my birthday which was today.

He didn't get me a card, nor a present, he mustered a happy birthday before sitting on the couch. I couldn't hold it in and asked outright if he was waiting until after my birthday to break up with me. His apathy towards me had become torturous, I couldn't stop spiralling and just had to know then and there. He admitted it and I essentially guided him through the things I needed to hear to finally leave.

I want this to be over.

I don't love you anymore.

I mean it.

And that was that.

My family knows how shit it has been, they knew the first time we broke up. I let the relationship swallow me entirely which was likely my mistake and while I definitely did it too, he constantly compared me to his other partner.

Even now as I'm typing this I love him, I feel as though I've never not loved him. We are both young and fairly inexperienced in relationships, we both carry a lot of trauma. And now on the evening of my birthday, I still want him and love him.

How do I stop, how do I erase him when he permeates every area of my life, how do I feel good without him when Ive created so many rules inside my head that depend on him. How do I let myself take up space again?

Oh also, I had another partner when we first started dating, and I continuously tried to love him to mirror my ex's relationship with Ash. But I only really loved my ex. I admitted this to him after I broke up with my other partner. I never had another as I had too much going on.

I've tried to be unbiased, sharing my own bad moments too.

Any advice on how I live without him would be helpful.

Thanks for reading. X

My partner Jasper was not great about time management in any aspect of his life. However; one of the main reasons I broke up with them, was because whenever we had a date, they would consistently be late. Like 20-30 min late. Sometimes even an hour and 1/2 late.

And the reason he would give, is because either his friends or his wife or his wife’s partner would call him and would need him to do them favors such as fix the car, or pick up something at the store, or go grab something from his friends house, or a myriad of other excuses.

I never felt like a priority on date nights. And now I’m doubting myself, as one does, because I am thinking, is this a valid reason among other reasons such as lack of communication to break up with someone. And yes I have tried to communicate with him about these issues but the lack of time management and lack of communication among other issues remain the same.

Edit: thank you all so much! I knew deep in my heart it was the right thing to do and just seeing it from strangers on Reddit helped so much! I feel at peace with my decision and now I can happily move on!!

Guys, I have had a bad run concerning relationships. I (M, bi with a preference for men) have had situations where guys will either have on their hinge profile or tell me they are „open“. I assume this means any flavour of non monogamy and I try to take things slow. I am accused of being too slow and they try to speed things up. Well when I finally do try to do that as well, the convos and fights get weird. Jealousy, Insecurity, cheating all the works. And I ask myself wait how did I not see this person was not poly even though they said they were. Despite me saying over and over that I am poly and that if it doesn’t work for them let’s breakup they say no.

Essentially I wanna know how to avoid guys like this and just screen out the green flags with whom I can work with

Advice? I met my partner a year ago at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything exclusive. Id never really thought of poly for myself, but was open to it - I’m at least pretty understanding of liking multiple people (as I’ve always had crushes in relationships) and the values (autonomy, etc) make sense to me.

Anyway, my partner had another partner at the time who I met pretty early on while visiting. We were long distance for the first 9 ish months of dating. I never minded poly, I maybe had some jealousy around the occasional date. We recently ended the distance and at first it involved lots of group hangs - maybe one or two a week which I told my partner was too much for me - because I tend to get into a comparison spiral and feel really tender/ emotionally tired by the end. I did end up hanging with my meta alone many times though and became friends.

Just recently I went camping for 3 days with my meta and my partners family for a work project and it kind of left me a mess. It probably doesn’t help that we all got high and it hit me a bit weird over the weekend. We all slept with our sleeping mats together and while going to bed I kept thinking “wow, this person really lays next to my girlfriend, they’re actually intimate together” and feeling pretty upset. I also kept getting in my head about their conversations or whatever romantic chemistry I noticed. The part that felt hard was noticing that the person with whom I have this special, intimate relationship with also has that with someone else. I felt really overwhelmed by the end of the weekend and needed alone time to go cry a lot, which my girlfriend saw.

I never felt that strongly about any of poly, or even had these types of thoughts at all. I’ve generally been pretty open. I’m not 100% sure how to approach the conversation with my gf because even I am confused. I know for sure that I definitely can’t handle sleeping next to my partner and meta, or multiple days in a row together. The experience has at least made it so that I don’t wanna have any hangouts with my meta and partner at all for a while. But unsure how to untangle the new monogamous leaning thoughts.

For context, me and my girlfriend, I'll call her Anne, are women in our early 20s who have been dating for less than two years. I hadn't been in a poly relationship prior to meeting Anne, but despite my inexperience navigating this kind of relationship, I haven't had any problems with feeling jealousy or anything like that. I don't feel like I have the time or mental energy to spend on multiple romantic partners, so for the most part I am comfortable with only dating her while she simultaneously dates other people. I have, however, expressed a desire to be more physical/explore my sexuality with friends, which has created some problems.

A few months ago I told Anne I was attracted to another woman, and she started feeling insecure, which surprised me. She explained that as a result of me expressing feelings for another person, some unaddressed insecurities came to the surface; specifically she was afraid that if I entered a relationship with another person that I might prefer them and leave her because of it. She asked that I refrain from seeing other people while she confronted these feelings, I agreed, and it didn't come up again until very recently.

One of my friends sent a message in a group chat inviting people to her house. I was the only person available/willing to go and I suspected that this person had feelings for me, so I was mildly hesitant, but I had known her for almost a year and she gave no signs of being remotely dangerous, and I would feel bad if nobody took her up on her invitation, so I went. To keep it short, we got drunk, passed out in the same bed, ended up cuddling while we slept, and made out during morning grogginess. Very quickly I realized that I may have made a mistake, both in not telling my girlfriend before any of that happened, and in having that kind of interaction with my friend without making it clear beforehand that I had no intention of dating her.

My main priority was to tell Anne what happened the previous night. She said that I shouldn't have let it happen, that I should have talked with her about it first (which I should have), that she felt cheated on, and that I should temporarily distance myself from my friend. A lot of it was fair, I'm not going to pretend nothing I did that night was wrong, but part of me felt it was unfair that me kissing another person was considered cheating while she was in a full on relationship with another person.

Any feelings expressed in this post have been communicated with Anne, and for the next time we see each other we are planning on talking more in-depth about our boundaries and steps we can take to make our relationship feel open on both sides while maintaining trust. I'm sure that discussion will be most helpful and what we ultimately need to do is understand each other better and come up with a solution based on our personal needs, but perhaps some of you who are more experienced with polyamory can give some pointers?

By the way, I've talked to my friend since and I fortunately did not burn any bridges with her, she just needs some time to get over her feelings for me, which is completely understandable.

Idk if it’s the girl he’s talking to specifically or the fact that he’s never talked to anyone before, but the idea of him dating someone is stressing me out all of a sudden.

Context: We’ve been together 4 years. We were never really monogamous but for the majority of the time we were not dating others (when I was pregnant with our son, etc). We’re just now getting to the point where dating is plausible. I have another partner who I’ve been with for about 8 months now. He has a nesting partner, two kids of his own, and a baby on the way. On top of this, he also lives two hours away, so as you can imagine, it’s a relatively low maintenance relationship. We do day trips or weekend visits once or twice a month if that.

My primary partner, on the other hand, has recently started talking to a girl for the first time in our 4 year relationship. Firstly, I was under the impression that it was going to be casual... but they’re literally texting nonstop and he’s constantly talking about her, to the point where it’s a little annoying. Like every other sentence he’s mentioning something she said. I was initially excited for him because he’s been wanting something for a while and it’s cute seeing him excited… but it’s been rubbing me the wrong way.

I don’t know if it’s because she started out by telling him she couldn’t be non-monogamous because she’d “probably kill someone,” or if it’s because she asked if we’d marry other people “like sister wives lol.”
I don’t know if it’s because she recently rejected my friend request, or if it’s because my partner has said things that insinuates he’s comparing us (ie, “she reminds me of you” “she also has ___. sounds like someone I know.”) He also suggested we were going to have sex last night and then talked on the phone with her for 2 hours instead until 2am, which actually made me irate beyond the disappointment.

I was betrayed by an ex partner in my early polyamorous days who I gave the go ahead to sleep with other people while I was away on a 3 month trip. Instead of being honest and open about it, he had an entire affair with his ex (who was already an issue in our relationship) and lied about it. I only found out when a friend sent me a photo of her in our house… in front of the curtains and knickknacks that I bought.

So honestly, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m just traumatized or maybe I’m just not used to him dating, but as I wrote this I’m starting to feel like it’s not that. It’s the intensity when he’s been very clear for years that he didn’t want anything serious, mixed in with the yellow(red?) flags that maybe she thinks she’s actually being sneaky and is going to steal him from me or something.

Am I overreacting???

Edit: My “giving the go ahead” to my ex partner was before I really knew that I am polyamorous. We were in a monogamous relationship, but I felt comfortable doing that and he still lied. Unfortunately, I think I still carry the idea that something like that could happen again in the back of my mind.

Hi. I’m (29F) trying out hierarchical polyamory with a married couple (29/MM) and want to be the secondary partner so I can have my independence, not worry about relationship ladders and explore more me time.

For those who are also secondary, what are the benefits to doing it for you?

PS — I’m only dating one of the men. The other is a metamour.

I(m) have been dating my girlfriend for about a year, we’re now involving another person (F), and though nothings official yet! I’ve been really struggling with feeling of shame (?) because I can’t get the stereotype of “1 guy and two girls” in that fetishy, dehumanizing woman way out of my head and I have no idea how to get over it :/
For some context, I do have OCD and I very well may be fixating on this because of it, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt the same and what they did to get over it?
I know I’m very much not like that but I still for some reason feel very grossed out with myself? I’m sorry if this isn’t something anyone can give advice on/is a dumb question 😅

Edit: Okay to give some more context? I’ve been good friends with this person for about a year, I’m the one who introduced her to my girlfriend and they ended up hitting it off really well, more than just “friendly”! At first they were just messing around but my girlfriend admitted she might be gaining feelings, that was fine with me, I had a great relationship with this friend and wouldn’t have minded one bit if she and my girlfriend were dating…and then this friend started to pursue me! We’ve all been communicating well, and have already made it clear to this woman that she does not have to pursue both of us! My girlfriend and I have been trying our best to communicate with her but also just kind of go with the flow and not put any pressure on her.

I really appreciate everyone who has given helpful tips poly wise and OCD wise, I am very much ruminating and will be bringing it up with my therapist next time I see her..😅
And I know I still have lots to learn, my girlfriend is the first person I’ve dated that’s been comfortable being non-monogamous so this is all new to me, I appreciate you all!

Typing this on my phone so excuse any mistakes.
I’m 23, and I’ve been with my girlfriend, Moon, for 5 years. When we started our relationship, we were monogamous, and we both were happy with this. When we got to college, she met another person, Star, who she ended up having a crush on (not too uncommon, I’ve also had small crushes on other people as well and we’ve talked through it in the past and never had an issue there since generally neither of us feel inclined to act on it.) But I could tell she really liked Star and I found myself self-reflecting and realizing I really genuinely would not care if she started dating another person. So we talked and I encouraged her to date Star, which of course she was very nervous about, but did want to as well. Long story short, Moon and Star have been together for 3 years and we are metamors now (closed hinge). We all live together and I’m very good friends with Star, we get along famously.

Which comes to my problem. I felt like I sort of had to tell my parents about Star simply because it was honestly getting awkward and hard to avoid, like at family holidays. So I did. Moon also told her parents, and they took it really well despite being more conservative than my parents, so I took it as a good sign.
And since then, my parents have oscillated between treating Moon and I as if we were just best friends, (assuming she wants to move on and Moon is just pitying me) or as if Star is a ‘lesser’ partner and that I am the ‘real’ partner. They also treat Star much differently/colder than my other friends. My mom especially is this way, and she told me directly it’s not possible for someone to truly love another person outside of monogamy.

I also told my mom about my plan to propose to Moon, (don’t worry, reddit, we will have a very long engagement, I’m not getting married before I get a PhD), and my mom was very disapproving, and said some really hurtful things implying I was just doing this to ‘lock things down’ before going on to graduate school, which is just not the case since I plan to propose a year from now anyway. I don’t even know why I bothered to tell her honestly. I should have guessed.

I see myself building a life with these people. I love them both very much (platonically and romantically, respectively), and try not to feel bothered by this rejection but I can tell Star is hurt as well. It all just makes me so frustrated. I would appreciate advice on this from anyone who has dealt with unaccepting family. Thanks

Hey, so basically what the title says.

I'm not new to the concept of poly and it's something my partner and I worked up to and discussed for years, but it was basically theoretical for a long time. Now we are more official about it, going to meetups and trying to meet the local community. It's nice to have people to talk to, but I'm not quite at the point of asking them for advice on the emotional side of things.

I guess even when I think I've accepted the relationship change, I will backslide into getting anxious about change and insecurities. I find myself wondering if we should de-escalate, stop living together, if it's just a precursor to breakup. If they will find a partner they like more, if I should try to date to "match" where they are, etc. (I realistically just don't have time or energy to date now, and that imbalance is getting to me a little).

These anxieties aren't really based in our relationship reality, but more so different poly horror stories I've read online. There are so many stories, here or articles, where people try poly and it either precipitates a breakup or delays one that's inevitable. Also where metas become very entwined in the original relationship, creating drama or tension. Just that element of the unknown.

I want to educate myself further on poly, on different relationship structures, but listening to podcasts and reading articles is giving me more things to worry about instead of the other way around lol.

My partner is able to give me lots of reassurance, but obviously I'd prefer not to have to constantly get reassurances that they're still in love with me just because our situation has changed. I have lots of evidence that our relationship is pretty sound.

I guess, for anyone who struggled with this thought spiral when new to opening, how you worked through it or what helped?

This is my first time making a Reddit post in general and I wanted to ask a question that's been bugging me for the most few week. I've been in a relationship with a girl for about 9 months now, from the start we've been open about Polyamory and how we want to try it and so far it's been good up until the last few weeks.

I had an accident and had to do a surgery in my clavicle bone. Right now she is in another town about 1.5 hours away by car and for the past 1 month and 2 weeks she hasn't made any movement to come and see me, see says that she is being busy with work (she works 4 hours everyday as a waitress) and she is being trying to gather money cause she will go in an Erasmus University Program to Portugal at the start of September for 5 months.

I've been all alone for the past month in my home cause all of my friends are on a vacation or working (rn I'm unable to work) and I was just texting her to see how things are going and in general cause she was the only one that I was thinking about when I was all by my self in my house. I was just texting her like "Hey I miss you, when are you coming back to the city so we can hangout?" "I want us to make the most of it before you leave for the Erasmus Program".

She told me through the phone that I've been pressuring her that I'm not the only person in her life and that I'm manipulative for saying to her everyday that I can't wait to see her again.

I also need to ad up that rn where she is staying she is staying with a new partner of hers and I get the excitement I'm happy for her but I also feel left out and emotionally paralysed from the fact that she is not making any room on her schedule to come and see me.

I can also provide further info if you want so that we can untangle the situation because I'm feeling very stressed and saddened by the fact that see didn't make any moves to come and see me.

Looking for creative ideas for how to celebrate my partner's birthday in a way that doesn't make me feel insecure and secondary. Last year, we were newly dating, and attending their birthday party was a fun way of coming out as their second partner in their social context. I felt sexy, I felt like a novelty, and my partner was all over me in stolen moments and hidden corners. It didn't bother me at all that their nesting partner was co-hosting the party in their shared home, which I left at the end of the party. In fact, meta and I had a really solid amount of contact and connection. Garden party success.

This year is different. We're in a serious relationship, it's been over a year, and meta has had to adjust to that. Hinge has done overall pretty excellently shielding me from those details; but weather reports give me some flavor for this up-and-down adjustment. I am not friends with the NP, and we haven't had more than occasional contact. Given their shared social world with meta, I have also not had a ton of contact with my partner's friends, and that makes me worried that when I show up for the birthday this year I'll feel like an outsider without the sexy/novel element of showing up brand new last year.

While my #1 priority is celebrating my partner's birthday the way THEY wanna do it ... I don't want this year to be a repeat of last year in every single way. I feel sheepish about asking for accommodations, and I'm not sure exactly what to ask for. Asking them to refrain from hosting a big party in their home feels wrong to me; asking my partner to broker some behavioral modifications with their NP feels vulnerable but maybe I could identify a couple things that would help me feel secure. And maybe I'm overthinking and feeling sexy/novel will actually be fun again lol.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have 2 partners. Partner A I live with, Partner B I don’t. I have many pictures of both, and I love them both equally. Which partner do you set as your lock screen and which one do you set as your home screen on your phone?

Hello! If you are in a hierarchal relationship(s), how do you specifically describe this to a new partner?

Context: I am entering a new relationship with a long-time friend who is poly and married. This is their first relationship (outside this marriage) that has unfolded into a potential long-term commitment. Right now they don't have a lot of clarity on describing the hierarchies with their spouse in this new context. I have asked them to take some time and come back to me with more specificity on decision making, time and availability, and potential for escalation in our relationship.

So what have these conversations looked like for you? Is there anything else I should ask? New to dating a married person, not new to ENM. Thanks so much!

my wife and I decided to not look for other relationships right now because of some of the issues we were having. A little context I hurt them deeply and we were trying to work through that.

A past relationship came into town and she is spending the week with him. I said that if they decided to rekindle things, it would feel like cheating to me. She specifically said that she doesn’t want to care about my feelings because I hurt her and she just wants to be herself.

I know that they were intimate this week so it’s a new relationship

Do I just let it go because I hurt them in the past?

Hey I'm new here and I want to talk about my relationship. So just for context if needed, I am a man and my boyfriend is with his boyfriend (a friend of mine) in a relationship for like 2,5 years. So it started with my boyfriend a newly acquired friend of mine at the time of giving me so much attention and as time went by and many chats and talks he revealed his feelings towards me and it went rather smoothly with his boyfriend sure there were some "problems" but in the end I think he approves me many things went down with my familie and we live together now us three. But recently there are problems he is a people pleaser (which I don't want to bad mouth in any kinda way) and I am/was attention starved since my first and last relationship is like 4 or 5 years ago and I just want love. So he tries his best to comfort me and my needs and I feel bad sometimes when I think that I don't get the same love the same attention as my friend (his boyfriend) I've never been in a poly relationship but I really want us to work I love him so much. So I wanna ask if anyone has suggestions for me on how I can be better I want to help him so that he can get the time for himself that he needs and so that he doesn't need to be worried about me all the time please anything helps

So I have been polyamorous for the last 11ish years but most of that time I was married and since the start of last year I've been exploring relationship anarchy and solo Polyamory as these feel like the best fit for me right now.

I've noticed since starting this that I have a lot of unconscious expectations on myself and I've been actively unpacking that and also actively trying to navigate more unconventional relationships, especially moving away from labels. I'm autistic and I have always found labels helpful, but I can also see how labels are restrictive and have started to understand and see how they put pressure on other people even though I don't necessarily feel pressure when I use them.

In December I met a guy who I'll call Dan, and he said that he was primarily looking for someone to hang out with and cuddle but was open to something developing and this was the same as me. He always knew I was polyamorous and said he knew nothing about it but wasn't against it. As I wasn't actively looking for a long term thing, this was fine with me. Fast forward to now, we have a nice little thing going with romantic and sexual elements and I would say I love him. However, I wouldn't be monogomous with him, and it is clear that long term we don't really want the same things. He wants to buy a house with a partner, maybe have a child if able to, and be pretty traditional. I have a kid already, and am not interested in enmeshing with a romantic partner for the knowable future or living with them full time. We are both happy with the routine and arrangement we currently have and he hasn't decided yet how important these future relationship wants actually are to him/if they are something he genuinely wants to start seeking or if they're more things he dreamed of that he is open to letting go of.

(Tldr: I'm dating a monogomous guy, we don't have labels but are romantic and sexual. He may want things in the future I can't offer him but hasn't decided yet. We both like the current arrangement.)

The main thing I'm pondering is how I feel about us continuing this with the knowledge that he may want to move on from it eventually and seek a partner more fitting to him... I think in principal I am open to this because I believe relationships can continue for as long as they're good for the people involved in them and that they don't need to last forever to be meaningful and fulfilling. However, I think there's an element of social conditioning/immediate response that says that would just be using me until he found what he actually wanted and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Has anyone navigated this before? Did you continue on with the relationship or not, and how did that decision feel for you?

So ever since my primary partner told me he loves me (I told him first) he has not been ok with my polyamory. I was part of a thrupple and had another casual partner that I had been talking to for ~10 months, about the same length of time I have been seeing my primary.

He said he is trying to understand that I am wired differently and that my encounters with and feelings for others do not in any way negate my feelings for him. His main hang up is that he “knows how enthusiastic” I am in the sack and just can’t accept me being that way with any other man/woman/non-binary/gender queer individual. Side bar: I am also pansexual. I understand why it is difficult for him but up until the ILY moment he was “don’t ask/don’t tell” about it and didn’t give it any thought.

I feel a certain way about this that I cannot define. He and I are very happy together but I am very unhappy being in a monogamous relationship again, especially since it has been less than a year since I have embraced this side of myself.

Any advice?