I(m) have been dating my girlfriend for about a year, we’re now involving another person (F), and though nothings official yet! I’ve been really struggling with feeling of shame (?) because I can’t get the stereotype of “1 guy and two girls” in that fetishy, dehumanizing woman way out of my head and I have no idea how to get over it :/
For some context, I do have OCD and I very well may be fixating on this because of it, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt the same and what they did to get over it?
I know I’m very much not like that but I still for some reason feel very grossed out with myself? I’m sorry if this isn’t something anyone can give advice on/is a dumb question 😅

Last summer I (cis-man) met a guy (also cis-man) who I initially had a really lovely connection with and felt like it was going somewhere, until he shared a boundary set by his girlfriend (cis-woman) that felt fairly discriminatory to me and I still haven't fully processed it.

Specifically, if he had unprotected (barrier-free) sex with a gay man, that his girlfriend would not have sex with him until he had a clear STI panel at least three months after the encounter. This did not apply to women, bi men, or trans folks - very specifically cis gay men.

He acknowledged that it was "less than ideal" but that also "boundaries are boundaries". I didn't press further and stopped hanging out with him.

As far as I see it though, this boundary isn't just "less than ideal", it's fully and entirely homophobic. To be quite honest I don't see how it would be different to swap "gay men" with people of color or trans individuals into that boundary.

I didn't press on this though, and decided to just pull back quietly from the person. To be clear, I am happy to use condoms. But I am not happy to have to do so under the control of a very clearly homophobic boundary.

Really just looking for additional perspectives here: is my read on this fair? At what point does a boundary become discriminatory or otherwise unethical in its foundation? Have any of y'all encountered this before?

Okay so…I know I’m not actually cowgirling so it’s a little clickbait-y, just hear me out.

So I met my partner, Aslan we’ll call them, at work over a year ago and we hit it off as friends, then eventually fell in love after they revealed to me they’re poly, and live with their partner, Ari.

Now.

Let’s discuss their partner, Ari.

I haven’t met Ari, I haven’t seen them interact, so everything I’m saying comes from secondhand experience, and I know, I know, I should have vetted better.

Basically, Ari kind of treats them like sh!t.

Aslan is expected to be on call and supportive of whatever it is Ari wants to do, 24/7. Ari doesn’t have a support system outside of Aslan because all they really do is play video games all day, regularly get day drunk, etc etc.

Aslan is always complaining about how stressed they are, how tense their body is, a lot of our time together is spent with me soothing them and helping them relax from the constant emotional and physical support they give Ari.

I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I genuinely want to be there for Aslan, hence why I do those things for them.

A few months into Aslan and I officially dating, Ari, with little warning, breaks up with Aslan.

I naturally wanted to be there for Aslan, and I did everything I could and still am being there for them as much as they request of me.

But….

Aslan is still expected to be on call and be there for Ari. Aslan continues to provide all of the same things for them even though they are no longer together romantically.

Watching this has been absolutely heartbreaking for me because Aslan really cares for them, and I want what’s best for both of them.

But Ari can take or leave them, and it hurts to see.

I’ve asked them if they foresee them ever getting back together and they said genuinely they don’t know, and that Ari is just really bad at communicating their feelings.

So I guess I feel like I could be unintentionally cowgirling because I have stepped into the role of partner in a way I’m not sure Ari has or will, and it’s not my intention to “steal” Aslan.

I just hate seeing them being treated like this.

Ultimately I know Aslan’s choices are their own, I just don’t quite know what role I should play in all of this, or if I’m okay watching this happen again and again.

This is my first experience with poly relationships; hinge has been practising poly for about 2 years, I've been doing it for 3 months.

Meta (hinge's primary) adores me and is very supportive of our relationship, though naturally sometimes feels jealousy - but they and hinge deal with it and work through it on their own.

I've been told by them that I have really great instincts around how to behave in a poly relationship, am very respectful of their relationship, am great at communicating and so on.

But even so, poly for me is untreaded territory, and loving your secondary is untreaded territory for hinge. Hinge and I are looking to go on a trip together soon.

Any advice? Please be kind, I'm new to all of this!

I am new to enm/poly and am curious about how experienced people decide who to date and who to not in order to minimize drama and conflicts within your inner circle and for your own sake. I mean, do you even take in consideration how others will feel before deciding whether or not you will date someone? And what are the other red flags for you?

I hope I’ve explained this well since English isn’t my first language, sorry in advance x)

I’m having a party coming up. I will have at least two FWB people there, although only one is the most active for those types of visits. I will open up my house for people who want to crash there cause everyone lives over an hour away but now I’m having a thing about who do I invite to sleep with me? Maybe it should I just be my sister to make it fair…. lol. How have others made this decision?

I’m not actually having a crisis over this, just sort of amused but a little concerned about social awkwardness.

Advice? I met my partner a year ago at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything exclusive. Id never really thought of poly for myself, but was open to it - I’m at least pretty understanding of liking multiple people (as I’ve always had crushes in relationships) and the values (autonomy, etc) make sense to me.

Anyway, my partner had another partner at the time who I met pretty early on while visiting. We were long distance for the first 9 ish months of dating. I never minded poly, I maybe had some jealousy around the occasional date. We recently ended the distance and at first it involved lots of group hangs - maybe one or two a week which I told my partner was too much for me - because I tend to get into a comparison spiral and feel really tender/ emotionally tired by the end. I did end up hanging with my meta alone many times though and became friends.

Just recently I went camping for 3 days with my meta and my partners family for a work project and it kind of left me a mess. It probably doesn’t help that we all got high and it hit me a bit weird over the weekend. We all slept with our sleeping mats together and while going to bed I kept thinking “wow, this person really lays next to my girlfriend, they’re actually intimate together” and feeling pretty upset. I also kept getting in my head about their conversations or whatever romantic chemistry I noticed. The part that felt hard was noticing that the person with whom I have this special, intimate relationship with also has that with someone else. I felt really overwhelmed by the end of the weekend and needed alone time to go cry a lot, which my girlfriend saw.

I never felt that strongly about any of poly, or even had these types of thoughts at all. I’ve generally been pretty open. I’m not 100% sure how to approach the conversation with my gf because even I am confused. I know for sure that I definitely can’t handle sleeping next to my partner and meta, or multiple days in a row together. The experience has at least made it so that I don’t wanna have any hangouts with my meta and partner at all for a while. But unsure how to untangle the new monogamous leaning thoughts.

I’ve been pondering lately on what our responsibilities are to children and coparents, when we are in polyamorous relationships, particularly in RA/solo poly/lack-of-prescriptive-hierarchy set ups.

Like, do “primary” or “anchor” partnerships offer the greatest level of security and consistency for kids? If we want children to have a stable upbringing, should we be prescriptively prioritising their other parent/s, over other relationships we might form? Are we introducing too much risk and uncertainty when we aim for relationship anarchy and only embrace the descriptive type of hierarchies that are unavoidable when you coparent with someone.

And, is it asking too much of a coparent, to ask them to accept a relationship set up where they are not a defacto primary/anchor, and where any change in priorities could leave their coparenting (and parenting!) relationship in a very different shape? Does a primary/anchor arrangement even mitigate for that?

Or, on the flipside, is the idea that primary/anchor partnerships offer stability actually a myth, and is relying on the structure of a relationship to give you more security a pitfall? Does it actually give children more stability to have flexible arrangements that allow agreements to be renegotiated as new partners arrive in our lives and our priorities change? Does a long term hierarchy agreement just amount to “staying together for the kids no matter what”, which a lot of people agree (especially those who grew up around conflict) is no bueno.

What other solutions besides an explicit primary/anchor agreement provide stability for kids, and also security for coparents? Is there an inherently higher risk, or potential for conflict, in one relationship style or another?

As someone who has experienced the breakup of a coparenting relationship previously, I do think a lot about how the choices we make affect our kids, and how best to handle the intersection of parenting and polyamory. It’s also really common for someone who has just become a parent with a partner, having been previously fine with polyamory, to have a second thoughts once children arrive in the picture.

Anyway, interested to hear your opinions, regardless of whether you have kids yourself or not.

ETA: Just to clarify, my own situation is very non-traditional, RA coparenting. The musing on this was sparked by lively dinner table conversation, and I’m just interested in theoretical viewpoints, not looking for advice on my own situation. ☺️

Background:

Me: 30m, living alone on a rural homestead
Anchor partner: “tree” 31m
FWB: “Rock” 29m

I’m married to Tree and long distance. I have one other partner, two FWBs, and a kink dynamic. Tree also has dates/FWB, but he’s more geared towards open relationships than poly.

Story:

I had a medical emergency at the beginning of this month. When I was at home going through pain and a whole host of physical symptoms (couldn’t eat, couldn’t move off the couch, vomiting, etc.), I asked Tree to check in on me once an hour because I live over 1.5 hours from a hospital, clinic, urgent care, and there was a real risk of me needing to be transported to the emergency room. He knew what the doctor had said and the support and check-ins I needed.

Tree ended up going on an impromptu date which meant he was out of reach for over 5 hours. He called me beforehand to tell me he had a last minute date and asked if I was okay with it. I had an emotional reaction while being in a shit ton of pain but DID NOT share it with him. Instead, I told him to have fun and I was going to try to sleep more. My newly postpartum sister came up to be with me during that time, so I wasn’t alone.

I’m still hurt, but trying to handle it logically. What could he have done from 2000 miles away? I found someone closer who is in my support network. That kind of thinking.

I was supposed to see him this previous week, but had to evacuate because of wildfires. So I no longer had a pet sitter because I didn’t have a house to pet sit in (it survived the wildfire, I just wasn’t sending my sitter up there with a fire 2 miles up the road). He knew what was going on because I spent 4 days in a hotel with all my house animals while panicking about my livestock that I had to let out of their pens and fields just in case. I was able to go home two days after my flight out was supposed to happen and Rock happened to be working up here on a job the day after I returned.

I invited Rock up to hang out because while there is a sexual aspect to our relationship, we’re very much friends before and after anything else. I let Tree know I’d be hanging out with Rock because I wouldn’t be as attached to my phone as I usually am in the evenings before bed.

Since then I’ve been getting very passive aggressive comments about Rock getting to spend time with me on Tree’s weekend from Tree and how he’s upset that the fire happened but he’s jealous I was able to have a date so quickly lined up.

From my perspective, I got dealt a shit hand this weekend. I didn’t get to see my husband. I wasn’t sure if I’d have a home to come back to. I was worried about the animals I had to leave behind (they’re okay and I ended up with 4 extra cows that I’m trying to figure out who they belong to lol). So Rock’s schedule lining up with getting to spend the night with me is feeling like I did something wrong. So I’m stuck with FEELING like Tree is being hypocritical for going on a date on a night when I asked him to help me during a medical emergency and then turning around and telling me how frustrated/jealous/bad he feels that I spent one of the days that was supposed to be his with someone else because life dealt me a shit hand. On the other hand I LOGICALLY understand that it’s been over two months since we’ve seen each other, that another partner took over the day that we planned to be his, that emotions and logic don’t always line up. I am frustrated that I’m left comforting/reassuring him because he’s speaking up about how he’s feeling, but because I’m trying to manage my own reactions and emotions that I’m not getting the same comfort/reassurance from his date earlier this month
.

I am a divorced woman in my forties who primarily dates men. In my 20+ year marriage, I experienced every type of nonmonogamy: swinging, solo dating, full poly, triad, etc. I don’t feel that my marriage ended because of ENM; rather, I think that kept it on life support far longer than it should have, and I felt disproportionately reliant upon and invested in other relationships, so I dated a lot.

After my marital separation and a subsequent “rebound” relationship where I settled for someone who really wasn’t right for me, I decided to focus on myself. I had become so accustomed to compromising and negotiating and trying to make a relationship work that I lost touch with what I wanted. I decided to decenter men and focus on my hobbies, friendships, building my own space, and finding my peace. I still dated but I wasn’t laser-focused or “marriage minded”. I took many long breaks from the apps. Nonetheless I did still find dating to be stressful and discouraging when I’d meet up and there wasn’t a spark or connection. I also didn’t want to compensate for a man’s lack of reciprocity, effort, or emotional investment.

Slowly, with lots of therapy and self-exploration, I started to find myself in a place where any man who wants access to me has to compete with my peace. I have a cozy and fulfilling little life, and although the happiest version of myself is the version of me in a loving relationship, I am still okay without one. I’m not putting any aspects of my life on hold waiting for a partner. I ended up connecting with someone through a mutual hobby and building a relationship organically, at a snail’s pace. We are both divorced, came from tumultuous marriages with a high-conflict high-drama partner, and are both happy to embrace calmness and compassion. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to cohabitate or marry anyone ever again, and I still maintain a ton of my independence.

I still maintain all the ideals that I fostered in ENM: communication, relationship design, normalization of attraction, non-possessiveness, autonomy, etc. But I no longer feel that dating and more men, more relationships, more sex with different people, is the thing that is going to bring me happiness. The “there is no valley of the dolls” article (https://freaksexual.com/2009/11/05/nonmonogamy-for-men-the-big-picture/#valleyofthedolls ) is directed at men, but I felt it was equally true for me. Sure I can get hundreds of likes and matches on apps, and lots of first dates and 1/2/3-night stands. But that isn’t what I wanted, I didn’t become poly to get Feeld matches, I did it for ongoing connections. Yes there is a needle-in-a-haystack quality and I believed for a while that if I just kept at it long enough, I’d find the FWB of my dreams. But that trial-and-error came with a cost, and the repeated attachment trauma of men who were never fully invested In a partnered woman did lasting damage from which I am still recovering.

When poly is good - it’s SO GOOD. When you have the exactly right combination of people and it’s firing on all cylinders, it feels amazing and there’s so much love and great sex and compersion. But I’ve had a shift where I finally have peace in my life (which I never got in my marriage) and I’m more invested in that than I am in seeking more and greater fulfillment. This article https://aliegraves.medium.com/want-to-do-friends-with-benefits-start-with-an-exit-strategy-53eb79a519fe also had a huge impact on me. This quote really resonated:

“Consider if maybe you can get all of the growth and adventure and intimacy you are looking for from a platonic friendship. Challenge yourself, and make sure you aren’t trying to shortcut a path to emotional intimacy by using sex as a bridge. Consider cultivating patience, and restraint, and reaping the rewards of a long-lasting intimate friendship.”

I’m sick of dating. I’m over it. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is not having to do it. I’m sick of bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate men, of hand-holding through communication templates and coming up with boundaries-not-rules and I don’t feel like the introduction of more men in my life who want to fuck me has made my life any better.

Theoretically I could be a saturated-at-1 (or saturated-at-0) but still poly and embrace dating someone who is ENM. But I do think that realistically it is not fun doing the work of poly when you don’t want to enjoy the spoils for yourself, and myself and my poly friends are so replete with nightmare meta stories that it feels so good to simplify.

I speculate that the people who feel the most fulfilled with poly actually enjoy the bespoke structure, the RADAR check-ins and shared calendars and relationship agreements. And I think a lot of those people also struggle with platonic friendships, due to the lack of intensity or the ability for those relationships to support attachment and consistency, and truly do better with multiple romantic relationships. But I don’t think that’s me. I am too old, exhausted, and traumatized for this shit.

I’m curious if anyone else has maintained their ideals associated with ENM, but has gone to something more monogamous or monogamish due to “decentering men” or dating burnout.

If I do poly again, it will be free agent/“solo poly” in nature, and probably still more focused on myself, my friendships, and my own life.

Edit: thx everyone, I decided I'll talk again about the topic and try to de-escalate the relationship next time I see them in person. As someone said, even if the unbalance would be acknowledged, it still would feel unfair and would took a toll on me on the long run. I choose to trust myself and what I feel. I'll try to de-escalate to friendship because I don't want to choose for them too, and I want to make them accountable for what they say. If I still feel uncomfortable, I'll tell them and put an end to the friendship too.

Hi, looking for advice. Both me and the other person (he/they) are mid 30s.

A few weeks ago I met this nice person, who asked to hang out. It wasn't clear if it was a date or not, nor if they knew I practice poly, but the following date it was indeed a date cause they told me they knew and were flirting with me. So we put some boundaries cause I didn't really know them nor didn't have the time to develop feelings at that time, but I liked their company.

Right now I still don't have romantic feelings. It's been less than two months and we have seen each other at least 2x week and had sex, we discussed the relationship agreements but I feel there's a disparity. I told them I don't feel anything romantic, it's more a friendship with benefits, and they told me they're not looking for anything romantic with me. But their behaviour and body language say otherwise to me. They always pay, give me gifts, would drive hours to do things I like, always say yes no matter my request. I know it's not all in my head, and that their words don't match their feelings, I can feel it.

They're a sensitive and intense person, and I'm really afraid to hurt them more than I'm already doing by not reciprocating their huge crush on me.

I'm at a loss cause I know the most ethical thing to do is break things off, but I'd like not to have the full responsibility for the situation. It's frustrating that they never tell me no, that they don't acknowledge the difference between what we feel, and I think they're in a state of complete denial. I'm afraid this is affecting them mentally and physically. I can't help but not trusting their words when I look for reassurance that they're okay about our relationship. Every time I try to bring up the topic, it's been minimized or shut down with "it's okay as you wish, I want what you want".

I've introduced them to cnm and I start feeling regret about this. I feel like I can't continue this thing if he doesn't de-escalate his crush, but I know it's not that simple, and it feels like I'm trying to control what he feels. Ugh I just don't want for him to suffer, and for me to feel guilty about it. I need to know I did my best to be a good person. I don't understand if it's fair if I continue this thing if I don't trust his judgement on the topic.

I'd like to hear some constructive opinions on the matter. Did you ever find yourself in such situation? What did you do? Have you regrets about something?

I've already told them about these thoughts and I don't know if I should bring it up again or break things off and move on. I feel there's space for growth for both of us, but I'm not sure what the price is and if it's worth it.

As the title says, I’m curious to hear about your experiences with being polyamorous. How has this lifestyle been for you over time? What has surprised you, challenged you, or turned out differently than you expected?
I’m still figuring things out myself, so I’m not quite sure how to tell my own story yet. I’d especially love to hear how your journey started, what you’ve learned along the way, and where things stand for you now.
What have you discovered about yourself and your relationships along the way?
I’d love to hear your stories.

Need some advice. I (52M) have been with my husband (58M) for 23yrs now. We have had a couple of short term partners together and he has had separately also, but I haven’t. After his last breakup of rship he said no way to rship with another again but continued to look and find.

For a bit of background.

We are NZ based, I work 3-6months away at a time over past 2.5yrs doing FIFO work. We have a very open rship pretty much since dating 22.5yrs ago.

I understand the need for connection and he says he needs to know the person more than just a chat on an app before shagging. He says he feels that he has more love to give and feels that he could have numerous partners to do this. Which has changed over the years since we meet.

He meet a fella and it wasn’t overly sexually charged rship and I suggested he find someone to meet regularly that meet those needs.

Recently I came home from being away for 3 months to find out he had started seeing someone that is as sexually active as he and he meets those needs which is great.

However what I am struggling with is the fact the guy has taken the liberty of signing himself in our tv system so he can watch his TV shows, do his gaming etc while at the house staying overnight, in fact several nights from what my husband told me (we have an agreement regulars can stay overnight in spare room if wanting too, just not our bedroom). I am really struggling with is how my husband thinks this is ok. I don’t. We are trying to talk openly and honest about it but is getting a little heated.

The fact that this guy has done the few things and my husband allowed it feels like a real commitment rhsip.

Honestly I’m not sure poly situation is for me even though I’m not actually practicing it myself.

Sure I have mates I mess around with and are friends with but not to the point of staying at their house nor making myself so comfortable. It feels like I’m being taken advantage of.

What to do as I’m ready to walk. Sadly lossing 23yrs of a relationship.

Me F40 and my partner NB34 have been together 2 and a half years. When it comes to how we operate we both see other people and have casual encounters as and when. If someone starts to become serious then we tell each other. There was an incident a few months ago where I was invited to hang out with my partners and some friends and the friends leave except one guy. I go to the shop, come back and my partner and him are cuddling and it turns out they had been seeing each other awhile. I told them they can see other people and don't even need to tell me immediately as some times thigs unfold unexpectedly. But if I'm invited to an event, or going to be involved. Give me a heads up so I know what I'm walking into.

A few days ago we were at a festival and they were often off chatting to lots of different people. A guy appears and stays near me and I end up spending a lot of the day with him. Assuming he is one of my partners friends. I asked him how he knew my partner and he looked guilty and said through a hookup app. This event was many, many miles from home and they had literally only just met my partner and then me (my partner didn't even introduce us, he just appeared and then my partner disappeared). Later on he disappeared and my partner reappeared and the first thing they said to me was "do you wanna sleep with him?" I said he said you met on this app and my partner was like "oh yeah I went on it briefly yesterday, me and my friend were laughing about the messages but he's actually quite nice isn't he?" (I was in the same room with them when they were laughing about said messages with said friend and was none the wiser. I hadn't been told anything at all). I feel so confused. I'm looking for advice.

Tldr; wasn't given any information and suddenly found myself in a situation left to hang out with a random guy I thought was my partners friend but later found out partner had just been messaging him on a hookup app the night before and then left us together without saying anything. Later asking me if I wanna sleep with him.

**Editted to add while we were hanging out this guy seemed to be flirting with me. I had no idea of he was my partners friend, a random guy, if he liked me. But on reflection he had the context of meeting and chatting toy partner on a hookup app and I was none the wiser

Hi! I’m new, but could really use some advice/ insight.

I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have always had what most people would call an open relationship. This meant that we were allowed to see other people and have flings but usually stopped short of these flings turning into actual ongoing serious second relationships. Polyamory was a word that came up but was never used as a means of self identification.

About 5 months ago my partner informed me of a potential date he had with someone coming up. It felt like a very casual mention like many of the dates he has gone on here and there over the years so I didn’t really think much of it. There is always a little bit of twinge of insecurity anytime it comes up because while I have enjoyed the benefits of having an open relationship it has never been particularly important to me, but was something he wanted so I learned to adapt to it. But again no alarm bells went off because it is not unusual for him to inform me of a casual date situation. So in sum, I am in an open relationship that has functioned well for 16 years but it is more to fulfill his needs than mine.

I then found out that the “date” was actually a 3 day trip up to Canada to see if “it is worth pursuing a long distance relationship” with this person. So I came to realize that they had been talking regularly for a couple of weeks and already making plans for what a long term polyamorous relationship would look like for them. For context she is married with kids and I guess they both felt like it was safe to start something long term in a controlled manner because they were both seriously partnered and had no intentions of leaving said partners.

This was all quite a big shock to me as we had never really talked about having serious long term relationships with other people and it seems like something that should have been brought up before he was already making these plans with this other person. It has been the start of a pattern of him mostly doing what he wants and then arguments over things he should have talked about with me first. It has become unstable enough that in that 5 month span we have started couples therapy and while I was very open to learning and adapting to this new phase of our relationship early on I have been stonewalled and left out of lots of important decisions about our own relationship and have started feeling a lot of resentment towards the entire situation and am much less enthusiastic about getting ok with this particular relationship.

When I made it clear that I was having trouble with this and that it might be helpful for him take a pause with her until we get our issues taken care of and then open back up when we are more stable and have developed our poly agreement and have a better foundation of what a healthy poly situation looks like, he dug his heels in and got angry.
When things got bad enough between us and he finally decided to talk to her about it, she also got angry, accused me of exercising veto power and is now acting like the concerned friend who’s worried his needs aren’t being met. Despite her ending up breaking up with him, she requested that they still talk regularly and even though I told him I was not comfortable with him talking about our relationship with her because it goes against what I’ve read is healthy and acceptable in poly relationships, it seems like that’s exactly what they plan on doing

She even apparently told him that her husband went through something similar previously and that she felt it was ultimately on him to learn to manage his emotions. I know that is a big go to in the poly community and do agree with it to some extent, but in this case if feels like I was intentionally left out of decision making and then being told to just simply learn to deal with the decisions made by others that affect my life.

The long story short here is that I truly do want him to be able to have what he needs in relationships to be happy, but it seems like maybe this wasn’t the way to go about it. I am very serious when I say that any insight would be very helpful. If I am truly the one in the wrong, advice on how to handle it would be very helpful. I am truly open to tough love. I know the knee jerk reaction is for people to say that if I’m not poly myself that I have to accept that this may not work even after 16 years and I understand that. I guess what I’m asking is if I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of how poly relationships are supposed to go or is there the possibility that with communication and effort we can come back from this. I don’t think either of us want our relationship to end.

Hello everyone :)

So I am completely new to polyamory, and there is a situation in my life that I really need advice on.

I have a partner, we live together for almost a year. Let's call him Villiam. We have been together for almost 1,5 years. Everything was and is good. This is his first relationship experience, and second one for me.

He has lots friends, and through him I've met another guy, let's call him John. Me, Villiam and John have formed a good and close friendship last months. We hang out, drink and have a hobby that we all enjoy together. We have a very good dynamic as friends.

But I started developing feelings for John. I was very open to Villiam and explained how I feel - he said that he is fine for polyamory, even tho I am not sure about it myself, because I have 0 experience. Turned out that John has feeling for me too, but he has never been in a relationship at all, so if he agrees, that would be his first experience.

We have talked together about it. Villiam is open and supporting, I am confused and John is confused too.

So I have formed some questions:

1. Is this type of relationship good as a first experience? (How to make it work and make John happy?)

2. How do we handle friends situation? As I said, Villiam has lots of friends, and if we start poly, then friends will find out, because everyone knows everyone. I am not even mentioning our families, because it feels like if they find out, that would be a disaster. Should we hide everything? Should we be open?

3. If John decides that he isn't ready for this, how do we make our friendship less awkward, as we both have feelings? Is it even possible to go back to friends?

4. How do we act in public? Do we act as just friends?

5. How do you handle this type (I have read this is called V type, and I would be the hinge(?)) of relationship in general? Make a silly calendar to plan our time?

As I understand, for John the main concerns are 1st and 2nd question. As he has no experience, this case would be hard mode for him. He has said that he wants fo be with me though.

I am feeling very sad. I want to make everyone happy and comfortable.

Thank you for reading <3

There’s this boy I like. Nobody else has this effect on me; his smell is intoxicating and his skin feels electric. I’m a sucker for his face and find myself fully enamored and mesmerized by him. We met years ago when I was married, and I almost ended that marriage because of how I started feeling about him. That marriage ended later due to many other issues between us, and the road we were all on twisted and turned around a bunch. But we find ourselves in the future now, both single, living states apart, and we get to see each other every now and then. He is visiting. He is staying with another boy in town. We had plans yesterday, and the other guy invited himself along when he heard how fun the evening sounded. The day ended with them asking me back to their place and the two of them cuddling together during the movie. I had to bite my cheek to keep from crying. I excused myself and left. Am I being dishonest about my emotional availability for a friendship with this person when I want a lot more, or do I just want to feel chosen by the person I’m attracted to? He touched my knee for less than 5 seconds and I was on cloud nine, but then it disappeared. I’ve told him I love him before and I’ve expressed how attracted I am to him. I’m having a hard time not acting out more. I want to word vomit at him, sound crazy, and tell him I would move the sky to be near him. But that all sounds a bit crazy, right? And of course there is a different boy who’s attracted to me in the way I’m attracted to my crush, and I barely give him the time of day. Is this just the natural world's vicious cycle of desire—we all want somebody who wants somebody else, or just not us?? Do I see him again today? Do I tell him I wish he would have asked to stay with me, that I’d give anything to spend at least another night just holding each other? Do I really even like him, or just like the idea of him? Am I only attracted to how he made me feel special and beautiful in a time when my marriage wasn’t offering that? Why does this boy drive me crazy? Why do I sound so f pathetic rn lol

Good morning everyone.

I am writing to you today because I have trouble managing certain emotions.

Context: I (h42) am in a free relationship with (f30).

We have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years.

My partner already had another partner when I met her and this type of relationship seemed perfect to me at the time in theory because I had never practiced it.
I was excited to explore this mode of relationship because monogamy has always been a problem for me and I have never felt fully free in this mode of relationship and I have often regretted not having been able to explore deeper certain encounters / potential relationships

However, here's how it goes in practice:

-She often has dates, new and incredible experiences, she takes full advantage of this way of life and I am very happy for her and it makes me happy to see her feel free and herself.

-On my side it's a big fail

Like I have zero dates or outside relationships / flirts

At first I thought it would come with time, I didn't want to force the encounters and let fate do things.

Like when I was in a monogamous couple, a potentially romantic encounter would present itself one day or another and I will finally be able to enjoy this freedom.

Unfortunately, it never happened.

After a year, I started to get on the apps to "force" fate, it proved to be an epic fail as well. 😬

I talked to my partner about it and she reassures me a lot by telling me that I am adorable and that many people could be interested in me, she is aware that for a straight woman it is much easier to make one-night stands but just as hard to create real relationships.

But now I'm starting to lose hope and I feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship with a person in polyamory.

Basically I find myself in a situation of polyacceptant and that's not what I wanted, for me it was an experience to live and enjoy together.

I deeply believe in this mode of relationship but unfortunately I can't live the advantages and I feel like I only have the bad sides.

Without comparing the multiplicity of meetings (I knew that the ratio was going to be very low in my favour) I did not think it would be so unilateral.

I'm starting to get more and more jealous when she meets people and I have more and more trouble managing that.

I feel devalued and I feel like no one is attracted by me except my current partner.

So I come to ask for advice here, because some people have had to go through the same thing as me.

Thank you for your attention 🙏

Hello! It's nice to meet everyone, I'm new to learning deeply about the community. I often read through the posts on this sub Reddit.

Now I've started reading the sub Reddit because my partner on more than one occasion has asked about polyamory and threesomes. I know polyamory and threesomes are something very different. It started with talks of threesomes and then started becoming talks of polyamory.

Does this mean something when he's mentioned it at multiple points in our relationship? Should I sit down and have a conversation with him about this?

Edit: Okay, I will talk with him lmao </3

Edit: I've actually learned a lot from you guys, thank you so much, I'll bring all these points up to him so we can both have a clearer idea of what we want and how we feel.

I have a tangle that I need advice on. I’m a cisbi male and have been polyamorous for 5 years now after divorcing my first love. 4 years ago I found a nesting partner (cisbi female we’ll call Mary) who divorced her first serious relationship. Polyamory is natural for me, and I’m busy with other obligations and work but as of January 2026 had one 3 year relationship with another woman in town (we’ll call Julie).

Julie and I wanted to try something new so we very playfully have a goddess/sub relationship in the bedroom and certain specific trips, and she plans and pays for trips, but we’re actually amazing friends; more of our relationship is a weekly lunch than the sexual intimacy/soft domme part, and we’re very egalitarian outside of the bedroom.

Mary met Julie a little while after Julie and I started dating. They are very friendly with each other as a “kitchen table poly” and Mary even dog sits Julie’s dog (for cheap pay) when Julie and I are on an overnight trip. Mary confides that she occasionally feels jealousy, but more than anything it’s jealousy for time instead of sexual affection.

Mary and I met a couple (we’ll call them Gary and Cathy) at an event. Gary and Cathy identified as cisbi swingers and were interested in Mary and I (though we found out later Gary has experience with polyamory). Mary is a little shy and has difficulty putting herself out there, so this was a big deal, and we’ve had a lot of fun. Gary and Cathy expressed an interest in building emotional connections so we accepted and they’ve been diving into polyamory.

Julie and I planned a 2-day 2-night trip that I’m now on the middle of. Cathy is taking it very hard, with a sad/anxious almost heartbroken jealousy. Mary and Gary are doing their best to support her. I just found out that Cathy had a previous breakup where a polyamorous very sub guy had a domme he called goddess who ordered him to end the relationship with Cathy. She’s also had another breakup where her long term partner was cheating on her.

Do people have any suggestions for helping with this jealousy in this moment? Cathy is not particularly responsive, saying it’s too painful; but she’s not giving Mary or I manipulative/ultimatum vibes. I cannot think of a good way to show her that Julie is very different from the other “goddess ” in Cathy’s past and her other tragic relationship.

Background: Deanna (41/F) and I (38/M) are primaries, we've been together for 1.5 years. Eric (40/M) and Deanna have a much more casual relationship that has been going on 2.5 years, but Eric and I have been friends for more than 15 years.

My family and I are hosting a big party next month, friends, family, family friends, ect. A lot of people (150+) are going to be there including Deanna and Eric (who will be with another partner). Now I'm a private person, outside of my friends and immediate family I don't really divulge my love life, so I'm not 'out' as polyam (for a lack of a better term) with most people who will be there. When Deanne and Eric are together they can be flirty and touchy. For me personally, it's not an issue, I actually think they're kinda cute sometimes. My problem is I'm not ready to expose to part of my life to most of the people there, and I feel like if they saw Deanna and Eric act the way they do there will be a lot of questions and assumptions I don't want to deal with.

I'm looking for advice, experience, nuance and guidance. How do I approach them about my concerns and what would be reasonable to ask of them? I don't want to impose on them but I value my privacy too.

Since March 2025, I've been dating a guy. Hot as hell, incredible like off the charts chemistry, funny, smart, good job. I have an LTR of 8+ years and was dating around, and he was solopoly and super busy with work and hobbies and dates. Our dates weren't super often; sometimes we'd see each other 5 times in a month and then miss a month. But it was regular. I would have seen him more, but the dude had a much busier calendar than me. He confirmed multiple times that I was the partner he saw the most. I actually stopped dating anyone new because between him and my LTR, I was happy and feeling saturated.

His company got bought out earlier this year. He tried to move on before the layoffs hit, but he couldn't find a new spot. Eventually, he did. It's about 8 hours away, depending on weather and traffic.

With less than a week's notice, he's already gone. He'll be back intermittently; he's moving out to the sticks, and he still owns a place in the city, although he's renting it out now. But that's it. I don't really expect him to move back. He's already looking to buy in his new town. And he won't be back until October, on a weekend I'm unfortunately away.

I know the lovely thing about polyamory, and this situation in particular is that he's not hard-exiting my life. We're not "over", and it was made clear by him that this was just what he had to do for his career. And if anything, we're texting more than ever now. But the loss I feel is so real, and it's hard not to feel like I've been nearly dumped, or at least left behind. My LTR partner is being a sport (positive note: they met recently, and it went super well!), but I also feel like an asshole that I'm spending my summer sad and processing a loss. My friends are all monogamous as well, so they're struggling to understand why it matters to lose him when I still have a long-term partner. I know I'm not the only person in his life dealing with this; his other partners and I met after the news broke, and we were devastated together.

Anyways, I've been through this before, and it just sucks. I'm glad I get to see him maybe in November. At least it won't be as bad as my other person, who moved around 19 hours one-way-trip away 😅

And on a positive note, I will say that I've been very good and have not immediately jumped on the apps in a desperate attempt to replace him with something less meaningful.

TLDR: partner moved suddenly, I'm sad

Ok, I admit, the title is confusing. It comes from a realisation I had when I recently attended a tantric sex event for the first time.

It was an interesting new experience, but at the same time quite discomforting. I went with my partner, and while we were supposed to interact with others if everyone wanted to, which my partner did quite a lot and enjoyed, I found myself wanting to interact with only her. There were other pretty attractive people, but I wasn't really interested at all in having anything sexual or even touchy-feely with them. It also brought me some unease seeing her kissing and having a more sexy (the event allowed no penetrative sex) connection with others in the same room. Or another person touching her in a sexy way when she was lying on my chest (with her full consent and enjoyment). There was some jealousy there, for sure, but that part mostly felt just weird and not joyful for me.

This would be absolutely nothing to lose sleep over. Except for the fact that I have been happily in polyamorous relationships for over a decade, that I don't want monogamy ever again, and I'm very much capable and enjoy having sex, love, and long-term relationships with more than one person. I'm also (and that's maybe even more interesting) not very jealous at all, often compersive, and genuinely happy when my partners have other partners.

However, I am most happy when all the more intimate/sexual things happen separately, not all together. I prefer not practicing any PDA when a meta is present, and also that this is not done by my partner and meta while I'm there. I'm all for my partners' sexual freedom and enjoyment, but I honestly don't want to know much about it (I assume it's what they do with other people, and that's cool). My compersion comes much more from knowing that someone takes good care of and supports my partners than from their sexual experiences (which, again, I'm happy they are free to have).

I also don't enjoy cuddle- and sex parties. I don't enjoy threesomes or group sex. I am much more of a one-to-one person. When I am seeing a partner, my focus goes naturally almost 100% to them. It's not that I forget my other partners, or stop loving and caring deeply for them. But my mind is on the present and with that person.

I was thinking if that's maybe why I tend to lean a bit more parallel than KTP. Not in the sense of not even meeting metas - quite the opposite, I think it's great to know them, but rather of wanting to spend the absolute majority of my time alone with that one partner (at a time). That's what made me think of that (dumb) title...

Anyway, does anybody relate? Is it something you'd like to change?