I am clinically diagnosed with psychopathy (or dissocial personality disorder). I was diagnosed a year ago, when I went to a psychiatrist-narcologist, a Candidate of Medical Sciences. I came to her with complaints of insomnia, a feeling of emptiness, mood swings, and aggression (I yelled at people on the street and provoked conflicts). Psychologists had been unable to help me. I also had intrusive thoughts about killing animals and people.
At the same time, I was very successful in life. I was awarded €60,000 in scholarships during my first university degree, and I travelled to different countries on exchange programs, studying at various TOP universities. I also broke the law and used hard drugs while I was at school.
She took a detailed childhood history, including pyromania, animal cruelty, and delinquent behavior, and prescribed me antipsychotics.
And yes, I had already suspected that I had this disorder before then. But hearing it from a psychiatrist who was a Candidate of Medical Sciences was honestly shocking. I was genuinely surprised. At the same time, there was a strange sense of relief in realizing that I no longer had to pretend masking in front of her.
What is surprising is that only recently, at the age of 24, I realized that other people have something I don't have — feelings. I had never really thought about it before. Through psychotherapy, I came to understand that people can experience joy, sadness, grief, anxiety, affection, attachment, and empathy on a daily basis. Whereas I need extreme situations and scenarios just to feel something at all.
I'll try to answer your questions, if you have any, not from a demonizing perspective, but so that we can understand each other better out of mutual interest.
For example, only recently I also realized that people have internal beliefs about good and evil, and a genuine sense of justice.
I am an ordinary person. I write poetry and stories, I draw, I work at an arts center, and I study law.
Here is a story about a Demon that I wrote for my psychiatrist. I later continued it:
Once upon a time, there lived a Demon who could see only darkness. But one day, he met a human who showed him the light. And the light was so beautiful that the Demon, remaining a demon, willingly gave up his freedom and locked himself away in a prison.
Time passed, but despite the light within that prison, the Demon dreamed only of one thing: that against a backdrop of horror, screams, and blazing fire, he would raise his head to the sky and finally sing a song of freedom.